


Changing Fate

by AngelDove



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Angel Castiel, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Archangel Gabriel (Supernatural), Balthazar pretending to be human, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bottom Dean, Broken Dean, Canon Divergence, Castiel In Heaven, Castiel and Dean Winchester Get Married, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Castiel and Dean Winchester Live Together, Castiel dies and comes back, Castiel pretending to be human, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Christmas, Dead Castiel, Dean Has a Crush on Castiel, Dean Winchester Angst, Dean Winchester and Feelings, Dean dies and comes back, Dean in Heaven, Dean in Hell, Depressed Dean, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Drunk Dean, Drunk John Winchester, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, F/M, Gabriel Lives, Gabriel pretending to be human, Ghost Castiel, Grieving Dean Winchester, Human Castiel, Human Castiel in the Bunker, Hunter Dean Winchester, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Major Character Injury, Major character death - Freeform, Married Castiel/Dean Winchester, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Newly Human Castiel, Non-Hunter Winchesters, One time bottom castiel, Oral Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Castiel, Protective Gabriel, Sexual Content, Sick Dean Winchester, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Smut, Suicide Attempt, Temporary Character Death, Top Castiel, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2018-02-28 22:13:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 51
Words: 246,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2749037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelDove/pseuds/AngelDove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel attempts to change Dean and Sam's life by going back in time and killing Azazel before he can kill their mother and infect Sam with his blood, but he never considered that destiny would play a part in their lives.  </p><p>After losing his mother nine years exactly later, Dean's life spirals downwards and Castiel vows to heal his anguished soul, only to find not only Dean's life but his own changed forever. </p><p>But<br/>* Will Heaven and Hell still attempt to break the seals?<br/>*Will  Raphael and Michael finally catch up with Castiel and carry out their threats towards him?<br/>*And How will Dean react to the revelation of Castiel being an Angel and will it end their relationship forever?   </p><p> </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to add a head's up that there is a attempted suicide scene using Sleeping Pills in this chapter.

Castiel had sat beside a hospital bed similar to the one he was now sitting beside, watching the same man who was lying in the bed, tubes and wires covering his face and chest. Although he never thought, he would be, he thought altering everything would change how it all turned out, He thought that Dean would lead a happy, normal life with his family, find someone to love, marry, have children and live to be a very old man. At least, that was what he had hoped for because he deserved that much. 

 Instead, he changed it all for nothing, well not for nothing. He was safe from Demons at least, for now; he made sure of that much. 

He didn’t think this would happen; he should have left it the way it was meant to be; Dean would have at least had some happiness.   
No, he couldn't think of all that. He was going to fix Dean; he was going to make him happy.  

He quietly sat and watched the young man’s chest rise and fall slowly as the machines helped him breathe. He looked happy and peaceful, but once he woke, it would change. His eyes will become guarded and almost empty; his mouth will tighten into a perpetually ever-present frown and look much older than he should look at the age of 20. 

“I’m sorry Dean, all I wanted to do was give you a normal happy life. To give you and Sam your family back and to not be weighed down with so much guilt and regret. Instead, I have given you something much worse. I didn't know that it would come to this.”   

   
He knew the young man couldn't hear him, and he was thankful for that. He placed his fingers on Dean’s forehead, watching his dreams as he remained in the coma. 

It was another time; a time when Dean was still happy. He, Sam and his parents were on Vacation; the sun was hot, and Dean had been so excited to go, couldn't wait to build sand castles. 

“Dee, show me how you do it!” Sam begged Dean with a mixture of adoration and impatience in his tone.   
“Please, Dee! Show me!” 

“Yeah, Okay, Sammy, how about you get me that shell over there, and you can place it here, then I will show you how to make one of your own.” He ruffled the younger boys' hair, causing him to giggle before he ran to the shell that Dean had pointed out, and raced back, stopping just before he barreled over the small sand castle. It was well crafted and sturdy; it had four turrets and a moat, and shells had decorated half of each wall. Dean had explained to his little brother that it was to fortify the walls so that no enemy could break it down. 

   
John strolled over to take a look at it.   
“Hey, boys. What have you got there?”   
Both the boys squinted up to look at their father, both grinning proudly of the small sand castle.   
“It’s a castle Daddy!” Sam exclaimed in exasperation as if his father had asked such a silly question.   
John laughed and winked at Dean. “So it is.” He grinned. 

“You boys did a great job. Now, who would like these ice creams before they end up nothing but a mess all over my hands?” 

Sam and Dean both jumped up, wiping their hands on their shorts as they reached for the cones with excited squeals.  

The memory changed; it was now Christmas. Dean was 9. Castiel remembered this Christmas well, and it brought a smile to his lips.   
“Hey Dad, look what Santa brought me!” Dean cried out in excitement as he held a small model car, a 67’ Chevy Impala.   
“It looks just like your one Dad!” Dean beamed up with so much happiness.   
It was the first of many gifts Castiel had left under the tree for them. He enjoyed watching Dean Smile and giggle with excitement.   
John smiled down lovingly at Dean, ruffling his hair. 

Mary came out of the kitchen and joined them, kneeling down and wiping the milk from Deans’ mouth.   
“Wow, What do you have there, Dean?” She smiled lovingly towards him, one hand cupping his cheek.   
“It’s a toy car, just like Dad’s car!”   
They all turned as Sam gasped, his little hands holding something close to his chest, his smile and eyes wide. 

 

“Sammy, what did Santa bring you?” Dean ran towards Sam, attempting to pry the younger boy's arms open, so he could take a peek at the hidden gift that had made Sam gasp.   
“Dean, Sweetheart... let your brother go.” Mary gently scolded Dean, who immediately let go and slid back a little, waiting patiently for Sam to reveal what he had wrapped in his arms. 

 

As Sam slowly unravelled his arms, Dean could see a corner of the book and he rolled his eyes; he never understood his brother’s love for books, especially the old ones. They smelt funny and were fragile. He once took one of Sam’s books to read and accidentally ripped one of the pages; Sam was upset, and his parents had taken away his toy car tools for two whole days as punishment. He turned back to the small black car in his hand and began to make the sound a car made as he listened to Sam excitedly describe every story in the book. 

 

The memory changed again. 

 

It was on the last vacation they took together as a family, and the last time they were really happy. They were sitting in a park having a picnic, John and Mary were leaning against a tree which gave them shade from the unrelenting sun beaming down. John’s arms wrapped around her; Dean ran towards them, interrupting their kiss. 

 

   
“Mom, can I go for a walk with my new friends?” Dean pointed to two girls who were looking down at the ground, rather shy.   
“What are their names, Dean?” His mother was smiling, her eyebrows raised. 

 

“The bigger one with brown hair is Laura, and the little one with blonde hair is Jessica. Can I? Can I take Sam with me; we just want to walk over to that rock?” He pointed to a small gathering of rocks not too far from the playground. They would remain in John and Mary's line of sight. 

Dean was 13 years old and was becoming increasingly interested in girls. He liked how they giggled, and they smelt nice. 

 

“Okay, but keep an eye on Sam, Don’t let him wander off. Okay?” Dean smiled at his parents and nodded his head, then ran towards Sam. He called him over to join them. Sam laughed and ran fast to Dean’s side; He looked down at his little brother and ruffled his hair.   
“Mom said you have to stay with me, okay?”   
Sam nodded enthusiastically, then blushing when he looked at the girls, quickly glancing down at his toes, pushing the small stick beneath his right foot.  

   
The memories repeated, Dean creating a sand castle and Sam begging him to show him how to make his own. 

He removed his fingers and sighed.   
He wished he could have been there to protect them; he was forbidden to interfere any more than he had, he was ordered to remain out of sight of the Winchester Family and not to contact them, ever. 

   
Michael was not happy with him; he wanted to throw him into the pit, for Lucifer to use him as a chew toy for eternity. Raphael expressed a desire to pluck out his feathers one by one, strip out his grace and banish him to hell. If it weren't for Gabriel’s sudden appearance after been missing for much too long, He would not be standing where he was.

 He was extremely grateful to Gabriel for his protection. He just wished he could be there, for Dean and of course Sam. 

He heard Sam’s voice; he was asking a nurse if there was any change. Castiel phased out of time slightly rendering himself invisible; he watched Sam wearily walk into the room and sit down.

 

He reached over and took Dean’s hand into his own. Tears had begun welling up while he watched his brother. 

 

“Dean, man you have to get through this. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. Dad’s gone missing after he heard what, what you have done to yourself. I need you Dean; you have to come through this.” Sam’s tears freely ran down his face to his chin and onto the hand, he held between his. 

 

He hated seeing Sam like this; he hated not being able to give him any words of comfort. He walked slowly behind Sam and rested a hand on his shoulder; Sam couldn't feel his touch, but he would sense something. However, he would not think further about it. He sent energy through his hand, offering Sam a small comfort in the way of warmth through his soul; he wasn't allowed to do it. 

 

He knew that if Michael or Raphael found out; he would be in serious trouble, but he couldn't let the young man go through this on his own. He had sat and watched his mother lay on a bed much the same for two weeks with wires and tubes everywhere, both, he and Dean had begged their mother to wake up, and when it was time to turn the life support off, Sam had cried for more than three hours. 

 

Sam grew to hate his father's agreement to turn the machine off; he fought with his father all the time. He believed his mother would have come back to them if she had more time to recover. Dean defended their father's choice, tried explaining to Sam that their mother had already gone; her brain had no activity, but Sam chalked it off that Dean just agreed with everything their father said. 

 

It was a shock to Sam when Dean and John began to shout at each other that night when it got really bad; Dean had let everything come out, angry and frustrated with his father and lost control of his emotions. He blamed his father as much as Sam did, but for a different reason. Dean blamed their father for not paying attention to the road. Dean had shouted back at his father, that if he had let their mother drive home; they wouldn't have crashed; she had offered to drive when John seemed too tired to continue, but John had refused, stating he was fine. 

Sam couldn't remember much of that night; he had been sleeping in the back of the car, his head resting on Dean’s shoulder.

 He only awoke after the car slammed into another car after swerving to the other side, then the car began to spin uncontrollably before hitting the tree; John fell asleep. 

 Castiel wasn't there; he was with Gabriel. He had begged him to speak with the other archangels about allowing him to protect the Winchester family; he had heard rumours of Demon activity in Kansas, and he wanted to be able to protect them if any of Azazel's followers decided to avenge his death. 

If he had been there, he would have averted the collision, no matter the cost to himself. After it had happened, Michael threatened to throw him into the pit if he manipulated time again, and there would be nothing Gabriel could say to help him. 

It had been painful to watch Dean suffer after that. John was a shell of the man he once was. He spent less and less time with his sons. He felt a lot of guilt for his part in Mary's death. He began to drink, staying away weeks at a time. Dean took care of Sam most of the time, but he became depressed; the nightmares were constant. They occurred every night for the last seven years, the headlights of the other car shining brightly as a loud boom rang in his ears, the car spinning and then the tree resting where his mother's seat had been. He saw it all. He was trapped in his seat, waiting for the firefighters to come and cut him out of the wreckage. His father's head was bleeding, and he wouldn't wake up when they called his name. Sam was crying out for Dean to help their father, and Dean was unable to do anything, feeling nothing but pain running through his legs. Sam eventually passed out. Sam had remained mostly unhurt, the doctors explained that the trauma had caused his mind to shut down, and when he awoke he hadn't remembered much of the night, and Dean was thankful. 

On Mary’s 7th death anniversary, the brothers visited Mary’s grave. John joined them; Dean had stiffened when the man suddenly appeared beside them. Castiel decided to leave the family to their silent grieving, not wanting to intrude on such an intimate moment, he had gone to look around and make sure there were no demons around them and making sure they remained safe. He disappeared for a little too long. 

 

When he went back to their house, Dean was in the bathroom, head between his knees, he was hysterical, gasping for air as he continued to let out a strangled cry. Castiel had no idea what had happened. Sam was on the other side of the door; calling out for Dean, asking if he was okay, Dean shouted for him to go away. He looked at the young man, and he noticed a small bottle in his hand. He slowly walked forward bending down to see what it was. He noticed another two bottles between his legs; sleeping Medication. He scanned the bottles to find the contents. All three bottles were empty. 

“Dean. What have you done?!" He was frantic; he knew he shouldn't do it, but he didn't care; he didn't care what the Archangels might do to him. He unlocked the bathroom door and threw it open. Sam remained on the other side, at first he stood still, shocked that the door had opened on its own; he looked around to find the answer to how the door could open itself. He glanced at Dean, who had remained sitting with his head between his knees. Sam ran forward and leant down in front of him, his eyes landing on the bottle in his hand. He pulled the bottle out and looked at the label, then shook it. When he heard no sound from the inside, he opened the bottle to find his suspicions confirmed. He took hold of Dean's upper arms and shook him roughly.   
“Dean what the fuck did you do?!" 

“Dean wouldn't answer. So Sam lifted Dean's head and cupped it between his large hands, watching as Dean's eyes began to roll back into his head, just before his body slumped down. Dean was unconscious.   
“Dean…” Sam shook him “Dean!” He found the other two bottles, picking them up and shaking them, again there was no sound. He gently lowered Dean to the ground, moving him to his side and adjusting his body so that he couldn't roll backwards or forward, and then ran to his room, quickly returning with his phone in hand and dialled 911.   

 

Castiel leant against the wall beside Dean; he remained invisible to Sam; he tried to heal Dean, but nothing happened. He tried again but still, nothing happened. He wanted to go to Heaven; demand Michael to remove whatever he had done to block him, but that would mean leaving both the young men on their own. He couldn't leave. It could take days to find Michael or Raphael; he wouldn't leave them alone. Even though there was nothing he could do to help. He felt useless.   
He sat with Sam and Dean while they waited for the Ambulance to arrive, he couldn't do anything but watch the paramedics place a tube down Dean's throat and nose. He could only watch on as Dean's pulse weakened. He could do nothing to help his closest friend as his life slowly slipped away. He had sat in the ambulance with them, his hand on Deans Chest, never leaving him, and he stood next to him, while they pumped his stomach, he didn't leave the room. He stood in the hospital room as they explained to Sam what had happened, asking where their father was. Sam had lied and told them that he was on his way back from visiting a sick family member. 

Castiel felt useless. He let them both down. He was meant to make sure they were happy. He was meant to keep them safe. He failed. 

It had been three weeks since that dreadful night; the doctors weren't sure if he would recover or not, unlike their mother's situation, Dean’s brain was active. He was refusing to come out of the coma.   
Castiel tried speaking to Gabriel about healing Dean; he pleaded with Michael and Raphael. Gabriel couldn't go behind his brothers back, and the other two ignored him when he approached them, they pretended he did not exist. 

   
Castiel stood watching Sam for some time; his hand remained firm on his shoulder until Sam stood up and stretched his legs.   
“Dean I’m going to get something to eat. I will only be down in the canteen; I will be right back buddy.” Sam gave one last wistful look at his brother, holding his breath, hoping for some sign of acknowledgement; however, Dean showed no signs of knowing he was there. He breathed out a sigh of disappointment; shoulders slumped and turned and walked away from the room. 

 Castiel couldn't stand it any longer; He peered into the hall and watched Sam walk down the hall until he was out of view. He turned back towards Dean and made himself visible again; he walked towards Dean; leaning close to Dean's face and placed two fingers on either side of Dean's temples, sending his thoughts directly through into Dean's mind.   

 “Dean. I am Castiel. I am an Angel of the Lord. I have watched you for most of your life. Dean… you are safe. You need to wake up. You can’t remain in your memories forever. Come back, Dean.”   
He sighed; he hoped that it would work, he held Dean's hand for a few more minutes before phasing out and becoming invisible again. He didn't want to risk Sam finding him. 

 “Ah, Castiel.” A low voice came from behind him, and he spun around to see his old friend standing there, offering a small smile. 

 “Balthazar, what are you doing here?”   
“Gabriel explained everything, looks like you are in quite a pickle aren't you?”   
“Do you have a reason for your visit?" his tone was a little too sharp.

“Yes,” Balthazar said simply and smiled. He walked over to the bed. He placed his hand on Dean's forehead and spoke as his hand began to glow. 

 

"Dean Winchester, Wake up.”   
Then he removed his hand, walked back towards Castiel and looked at his friend; His expression was soft as he spoke again.  
“Don’t worry Castiel; Your boyfriend will wake up very soon.”   
“He’s not my –“   
His old friend was gone.   
He turned towards Dean and saw his fingers begin to move; he wanted someone to be with him when he woke up, and so he made his way to the canteen to find Sam. He made himself visible before walking through the double doors of the canteen and spoke quickly to Sam. 

 

“Hello, Sam. Your brother is about to wake up, Go up and see him."   
He turned, walked out the doors and was back in Dean's room, invisible. He walked towards the bed, monitoring Dean’s facial expressions. His eyelids began to flutter, and his fingers were moving more, and he began to cough. He pressed the red button next to the bed and stood at the foot. Sam ran in first, going directly to his brother’s side and then three nurses came in to see what was wrong, Dean began to gag with the tube down his throat, so the nurses ran over, checked his vital signs and began to remove the tube, replacing it with a mask. 

“Go tell the doctor that Mr Winchester has woken up.” One of the nurses spoke to another; he watched as the nurse walked out the room.   
He sighed with relief; Dean was awake, and it was all thanks to Gabriel and Balthazar. He needed to see them later and thank them both.   
He only could hope now that Dean could start to heal and begin to feel happy again. He didn't know everything that was said that night; he had to read Sams thoughts to see, but his thoughts were all over the place, his memories and thoughts flicked through different moments; none were constant, so he had to build the rest of the words himself. As far as he could gather. John had told him to get out of his house after Dean had blamed him for Mary’s death, and declared he had only one son. John left, slamming the door behind him and then Dean raced up the stairs and locked himself in the bathroom. Sam’s memories could give him very little information after that; he already knew what happened on the other side of the door. 

He didn't know what had brought on such an extreme action. Why had Dean tried to end his life? He refused to intrude on their thoughts unless it was necessary, and he needed to know what caused such a strong inclination to end his life. Dean must have been feeling that way for some time. Of course, he knew that Dean hadn't been happy; he could see it since his mother died, his eyes were almost empty of any emotion, but he didn't know it was so bad for him.   
   
“It’s time.” He decided.   
   
He was going to make himself known to Dean and Sam. He didn't care what the Archangels had to say about it. He caused this to happen. Dean was much happier in the old timeline even with all the baggage of the friends he had lost, and the blame he placed on himself. He had never been like this, and he would do anything that was necessary to make Dean happy again. Only he was worried; he was worried that the bond they shared in the old timeline would not exist in this one. He worried that Dean would not like him, wouldn't want to speak to him or be friends with him.   
He had missed his and Dean’s friendship over the last 15 or so years. Only able to watch him grow up but never able to speak to him. He missed the smell of him, the way he looked at him, the way he smiled at him.   
He had a lot to plan. He wasn't about to walk up to Dean and blurt out who he was. He would need to be careful in how he introduced himself, as to not scare Dean off.   

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Dean was sitting up supported by three pillows behind him, groggy, listening to Sam talking excitedly, bringing Dean up to date with everything that had been happening over the past three weeks. He was sitting on Dean's bed, one foot tucked under the thigh of his other leg, which was swinging slightly. Dean was nodding politely, a small smile playing on his lips. 

As he expected, Dean’s eyes were empty and slightly glazed. Sam hadn't noticed Deans lacking enthusiasm, or that Dean seemed to be far away, in another world, paying little attention to what his brother was saying. 

He wished he could see what Dean was thinking about. 

He had thought about how he could introduce himself, and what Dean’s reactions could be, he heard a flutter of wings behind him and then a voice... 

“Cassie, Don’t do anything you will regret.” The voice was soft, almost understanding. 

He whirled around; he could hear Dean quietly talking to Sam; his tone was flat. He was going to change that. 

He turned his attention back to the intruder. 

“Gabriel.” 

“Hey, bro.” The Archangel leant against the bathroom door frame, watching the brothers as they spoke quietly to one another. 

“Gabriel I have to do something; I created this life It's my fault. I can’t stand watching them go through all this.” He realised too late that his words came out in a rush, but he couldn't just watch anymore. 

“Cas, you know what will happen if you do anything that you’ve been forbidden to do.” 

“Well, maybe I deserve it. Why should I continue to exist without torture when I have brought this on to them?” he looked back towards the young men, then quickly returned his attention to Gabriel.  

“Why should my only punishment be to observe, but unable to do anything? Why should they be used so cruelly to teach me a lesson?” His voice rose slightly with frustration, feeling the bubble of anger begin to grow. 

“Castiel. They aren't being punished for your choices.” Gabriel sighed; his usual upbeat attitude faded, and a much more subdued personality slipped into its place. 

“It was always meant to be, Castiel. Their mother was supposed to die. Her destiny was set long ago; she was never going to live to see her sons become adults. No matter what you did, or will attempt to do, even if you had been there that night… something else would have happened, and she would still have died. At the hands of Demons, or a fire, even drowning… there are so many ways to die. You would not have prevented it, Cassie.” 

“But that’s not fair to them. They lost their mother, and what about their father? Was John destined to leave them alone to neglect them for extended periods of time?” 

“It would have always happened Castiel, although, in this timeline, he's a pathetic human being, nothing and no one to blame but himself. The original time… he had focus; he had something to blame. It kept him going, and he could face his sons without feeling guilty.” 

“He exposed them to demons, to the death of their friends. He gave them a life where they had no choice of having their own families, no option but to die at the hands of demons. How is that fair to them, never having the opportunity to live as normal humans?" 

Gabriel sighed and stepped forward, placing a hand on his shoulder. 

“That was their destiny; it was what they were meant to do. They were intended to be Michael’s and Lucifer’s vessels. That was their fate.” 

Gabriel surprised him when he chuckled. 

“Although, I’m not sure if it was truly their destiny, if they were meant to die in that cemetery, they would have.”   

 “I want to change it back Gabriel.” 

 “You can't... You created a new timeline, by killing Azazel; you have left no room for it to be altered, unless… you were to die before it happened, but I don’t think my brothers would allow that to happen. They want you to watch and learn, they want you to understand that you can’t mess with fate the way you did.” 

 “That is still not fair to them. “ He nodded his head towards the two young men on the bed. 

 “They did so much, and this is their payment?” 

 “In this timeline, they haven’t done anything, and nor will they. Cassie.” Gabriel gently reminded him, his eye's softening. 

 “I don’t care. I am going to make it better for them. I’m going to make them happy. I’m going to make Dean smile again.” He pulled his shoulder from under Gabriels's hand. 

 Gabriel chuckled his usual perky personality back in place. 

 “That’s what I like about you… You don’t follow orders... Just remember everything I have told you and be prepared for the wrath of Michael and Raphael. I won’t be able to soothe them if you once again piss them off.” 

 " Hey, Gabriel?" 

 “Yeah?” 

 “Thank you for allowing Balthazar to come and heal Dean.” 

 "What me? I didn't do anything..."  

 “Didn't you –." Castiel trailed off as Gabriel Winked, and he turned back towards the brothers. “Well, in any case… Thank you.” 

 There was a flutter of wings, and Gabriel was gone. 

 

He remained where he was for the rest of the evening, listening to Sam describe a new teacher who was teaching his history class. 

 ‘He is hilarious; you would like him.” 

 There was a soft knock on the door, and a young nurse looked around the door. 

 “Visiting time is over now.” She looked towards Sam and offered him a kind smile.

 “Yeah, okay, I will see you tomorrow after school. Goodnight Dean.” Sam’s shoulders were slumped as he picked up his bag and left the hospital room. 

"G'night Sammy,” Dean replied softly as the door closed behind his brother. He removed the pillows from behind his back, laid down and closed his eyes. 

Castiel followed Sam home, he didn't like Sam staying at the house on his own. He had called Bobby intending to ask if he could come and watch Sam while Dean was in the hospital, but there was no answer. It would mean Bobby was out hunting. So he spent his time going to the hospital and the house.  

Sam had been having a hard time with everything that had happened. He kept himself strong emotionally for his brother, and his girlfriend had helped him through the worst times. Jessica was sweet, and he was glad that Sam, and she was safe. She wouldn't be killed by Azazel. It was probably the only good thing about it. 

Castiel stayed with Sam until he reached class the next morning, then he went back to the hospital, to watch over Dean.   

 

 

  ***************************************************************************************

He had been sitting near Dean for several hours... Dean's mood had perked up a little after his breakfast tray was placed on his table, there were two pieces of toast, a boiled egg and some fruit. It was the first time that he would be attempting to eat something solid and whole since he regained consciousness. Up until then, he was given purified food. 

He had complained nonstop that he was not a baby and did not need his food purified. He ignored the nurse many attempts to explain the delicate nature of his stomach. That morning, he was told that he was ready to start eating whole foods. However, if his stomach expelled the contents, he would need to be placed back on soft foods, so Dean slowly and carefully chewed the meal, he could keep the contents from being rejected, and his mood appeared to have picked up a little. 

It was reaching midday and Dean had been flicking through the channels, seemingly bored when a knock sounded, both, he and Dean looked expectantly at the door. 

A woman came walking in, smiling; she had visited Dean a couple of times over the 3 days Dean had been awake. She was the hospital counsellor, her name badge swinging slightly as she stepped closer to him, "Sarah," In bold font was displayed across it, if they were in the original timeline, Dean would have flirted with her nonstop, but here, he scowled at her. He didn't like her. 

“Dean, How are you feeling today?” She stood close to Dean’s bed, smiling down warmly at him. 

Dean grunted and closed his eyes. 

 

"Just tired, I want to sleep.” He mumbled and turned his back to her while pulling his blanket over his head.  

It was the repeated response he gave every time the woman came into his room, always asking the same question. 

Her expression softened, and her tone changed to a more gentle, soothing one. 

“Hey, I understand that you might find it hard to talk about what is troubling you, but I am here to help.” She waited for his response, but none was offered. 

“Dean, I can’t discharge you until we have chatted about what happened and why you thought you had to do something so drastic.” 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He snapped. 

“Alright, well I will be back tomorrow then. Okay?” 

Dean said nothing; she walked slowly to the room door, glanced back, sighed and left the room.   

Castiel remained seated on the chair and watched the lump that was Dean under the blanket. He had hoped that today since he seemed in a better mood, Dean would talk about what had troubled him, but he still refused.  

Dean was much the same as he was in the original timeline, he didn't like to talk about his feelings, although he had always been able to encourage Dean to speak to him about his troubles. 

He wasn't sure if Dean would confide in him in this timeline, things were different. He would never pull Dean out of Hell; that bond wouldn't exist in the same way. Nor would he reconstruct him. He won't meet him in the barn. They will never be comrades in battle; to Dean, he just didn't exist. 

Dean's breathing slowed and deepened. He fell asleep, so he remained where he sat until Sam arrived after school ended. 

As the door opened and Sam’s head poked around to see if his brother was awake, Castiel stood up and moved unseen to the foot of the bed, watching them both exchange greetings, Sam hugged him, then sat on the edge of the bed. 

Dean told him about his day, what he had for breakfast and lunch and about Sarah and what she had said to him. 

“Dean, you have to speak to her. It’s the only way you can come back home. I don’t like being there on my own.” 

“Sam, I just can’t. I don’t want to talk about it. It's hard to talk about –." 

They were interrupted when a knock came at the door, and two people walked in, both smiling pleasantly to first Dean and then Sam. 

 

Sam stood and walked to the chair and sat down. 

"Are you Dean Winchester?” 

“Yes,” Dean replied, watching the two unwelcome guests.   

 “And you’re Samuel Winchester?” 

Sam nodded; his expression was slightly alarmed as he looked back to Dean. 

“Who are you?” Dean asked stiffly. 

“ I am Simon, and this is Sandra. We are from the ‘Child Protection Agency’.” 

“Oh, what do you want?” Dean maintained his firm tone towards them. 

“Where is your father? The staff here have informed us that he has not visited you in the last four weeks. They have never seen him. They are concerned that Samuel might be staying on his own without an adult to take care of him.” 

They looked towards Sam. 

“Who is taking care of you at home?” 

Sam froze and looked over at Dean, silently asking him what he should say. 

“My… My uncle... Dad is... Um... He’s working out of town at the moment.” 

“Oh? And what is your uncle’s name?” 

“His name is... Um... It's... Um.” 

"Castiel... My name is Castiel. I am their uncle.” 

He didn’t mean to introduce himself this way, but Castiel knew that if he didn’t, Sam would be taken into care. Dean was not well enough to take care of him. 

“Castiel? Do you have a last Name Mr.…?” 

“Winchester. Castiel, Winchester.” He awkwardly held out his hand.   

 

 

 ***************************************************************************************

 

Dean stared at Castiel. "What Uncle?” He thought to himself; He had no uncles on his father’s side, not blood relatives, at least none that he knew of. His father was an only child. 

The man was too young to be his uncle; he looked like he was in his mid to late twenties. 

He watched the exchange carefully. Castiel looked uncomfortable, rubbing his hands over his trench coat. He turned his gaze towards Dean and when their eyes met, his heart stopped and then spluttered back to life again. Castiel’s eyes were a piercing dark blue, and it felt like they bored right down into his soul, he felt his face flush. Castiel returned his attention to the man who was speaking to him in a low tone. Dean couldn’t hear what was being said, so he continued to watch the blue-eyed stranger. 

Sam stared at Castiel and then looked at Dean, asking a silent question, “Uncle?” his brow cocked. Dean shrugged at his little brother and turned towards Castiel again, watching as they spoke. Castiel turned his gaze to him. Dean offered him a small polite smile, and his breath hitched when Castiel returned his smile. Dean glanced down, feeling the colour rise once again in his cheeks. 

The woman, Sandra, asked Sam if it was true. He waited, holding his breath for Sams to answer. Not sure if Sam would tell them the truth, that they had never seen him before in their lives. 

“Y-Yes, it is... He’s our Dad’s brother.” Sam’s voice was a little croaky, and Dean let out his breath.   

 

The man nodded towards Sam and smiled. 

 

“Hello again, Sam.” 

 

Sam’s eyes flashed with recognition, and he smiled politely towards him. 

 

“H-Hey.” 

 

Castiel's attention returned to the other two people, whose expressions had become dubious, after witnessing the greeting between Sam and Castiel. He abruptly placed his hand on their shoulders firmly, they both stiffened and remained still for a moment and then as quickly as they stiffened, they both relaxed and nodded. 

 

The one woman, Sandra, turned towards Dean 

 

“Well, we will leave you to spend time with your Uncle.” And then she turned to Sam and smiled. 

 

She walked out of the room. The man nodded and offered his best wishes to Dean before following her. 

 

“Now that was odd.” He thought to himself. 

 

Dean turned his attention back to the man standing at the foot of the bed. He appeared less confident now. He was interested in something that was on the ground. 

 

"Hey, Castiel?" The name rolled off his tongue like he had heard the name before, he didn't know where, though. Come to think about it, he saw those eyes somewhere. 

 

Castiel’s head shot up at the sound of his name, his piercing blue eyes were staring right into his own and that feeling, like they reached into his very soul was back. A warmth swelled up in his stomach; His heart began to skip a beat, and he felt his cheeks flush again. The man’s eyes were breathtaking... He took a deep breath and closed his eyes to centre himself. “What was going on?” he thought. He didn't like men, never reacted to a man before, he liked women; he had plenty of girlfriends and not once had he looked at a man in the same way. So why was he feeling attracted to the man in front of him? Why did he feel a spark every time he looked into those big beautiful deep-blue eyes? He felt his cheek's burning, and he knew if he looked at his reflection, he would find his cheeks, a scarlet colour and his eyes glazed.   

 

He pulled his attention away from the man and focused on the poster stuck to the wall, taking his time to commit every detail to memory until he felt his cheeks return to normal and his breathing calmed. 

He turned back to Castiel, avoiding eye contact. 

“I want to... Um... Thank you for what you have done for us. Our father is… away at the moment, a business trip and he... Er... Can’t get back here right now.” 

“You are welcome Dean.” 

Dean swallowed; Castiel's voice sent shivers down his spine; it was deep and gravelly and yet gentle, and the way he said his name made his pulse quicken. He wanted to hear him talk more; if he could keep him talking, maybe he could stall the man from leaving. 

“So Castiel, is that really your name?” 

“Yes.” 

God, this is going to be harder than he thought, the man remained still, in the same spot; watching him, apparently not caring to elaborate any further. 

“Oh, um... Are your parents some kind of Hip-" 

"Castiel... Isn't that an angel's name?” Sam interrupted him. 

He cocked an eyebrow towards Sam, who was, in return glaring at him with a look he knew well to mean… “Dude, that was rude.” He offered Sam a small shrug and turned back and focused on the man. 

 

"Yes... My... Um... Parents... Named me after the Angel of Thursday, I was… er... “ 

He noted the man was feeling uncomfortable, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“Why did you help us?” Dean blurted it out before he could stop himself. 

“I overheard your conversation as I was walking by your door when I heard Sam stumble over his words. I wanted to help.” 

“Okay, but how did you know our last name?” He was rude; He knew he was, but it didn’t make sense. Not that life ever made sense to him anymore anyway, but it was weird. 

“I heard her say your name.” 

He felt his cheeks flush again, of course, when they walked in they had used his full name. 

“Oh.”   

 

“Weren't you the one who told me in the canteen that Dean was awake the other day? I ran out of the canteen, and you were gone. I looked for you on my way back up, but you had disappeared.” 

"I... Er... I went into the men’s room.” 

“How did you know he was waking up?” 

Dean stared at Castiel; His cheeks were slowly flushing, and he looked at his feet again. He felt bad; they should be grateful for him helping them, and not push him with questions that obviously he was uncomfortable answering. 

“Thank you, Cas. “ The man’s head snapped back up to look at him; his eyes were searching his own, and he found himself unable to take his eyes from his gaze. Castiel's expression turned to disappointment and looked away. He didn't know why he called him Cas; it just rolled out of his mouth unthinkingly. 

“I hope you didn't take offence to me calling you Cas? I don’t know why I did it; It just felt right.” 

“No, no, it’s fine. It reminded me of someone else who used to call me ‘Cas’. I should leave. I have to get back…... “ 

Castiel trailed off, maybe he was trying to be polite, he was apparently visiting someone in the hospital. He turned towards Sam and smiled, then glanced at Dean. 

“I hope you feel better soon Dean.” And he turned around and walked out the room. 

Dean became aware of the disappointment he felt; He wanted the man to stay longer; he wanted to know more about him. He wanted to listen to him speak in that deep, intoxicating voice. 

 

“Fuck. “ 

Sam’s head snapped up and looked at Dean. 

“Are you alright?” his brother looked concerned. 

“Is anything wrong?” 

“No, Sam, I'm all right.” He didn't mean to say it out loud, he had never felt any attraction to men before, this was new. Worse than that, the man made him feel safe, almost whole. He hoped to see him again. He needed to see him. 

 

*************************************************************************************** 

What the hell was he doing? That was not the way he wanted to introduce himself. He wanted it to be more relaxed, planned out. Instead, it was awkward. He was foolish. He wanted to blurt out everything, he wanted to tell Dean that he was his Angel, and they had gone through so much together; that he wanted to help him, make him happy again. He wanted to protect him. 

He almost did, if he had stayed for a moment longer, he would have told him everything. He should never have lingered on those emerald-green eyes, shouldn't have watched his tongue as it trailed slowly across his bottom lip, he should have said, “You’re welcome” and then made his excuses to leave, but he didn't; he couldn't. He wanted to spend more time with him; he wanted to savour the moments where Dean could see him back. 

He resumed watching the young men, already regretting leaving the room. Dean seemed more lost in his thoughts than actually hearing what his brother was saying. Sam noticed the change in Dean. 

“You’re tired, Dean. I will let you get some rest and go down to the canteen and call Jessica. She wants me to keep her updated; I will be back soon. Do you mind if I sleep here tonight? I don’t want to go back home alone.” 

“Of course, you can. I will speak with the counsellor tomorrow; I will lie if I have to… Sam, I… I am sorry that I have put you through this.”

Tears began to well up, and Sam moved over and sat on the bed next to Dean pulling him into a hug. 

“It’s alright. Just promise me you won’t try that again. You scared me, Dean. You just can’t do it again. Promise me, you won’t.” His heart broke for them both. Dean tucked his face into the crook of Sams' neck, mumbling another apology and promising he wouldn't. 

Castiel left the hospital room and went back to their house making sure no demons were lingering nearby. He entered the kitchen and walked directly to the refrigerator. He frowned a little when he found it was empty. He would go and find them some food supplies, they wouldn't question where the food had come from, they would, like every other time, the fridges were refilled, think their father had come in and filled it. They had never asked him when he did finally show up. 

He took a look around the house, there were clothes sprawled across the living room, so he picked them up, and then collected the rest that had been disregarded in several of the other rooms, he used his grace to clean them. Sam was forever growing, and he knew they had little money, their father; when he remembered sent them some, but it wasn't enough to buy Sam’s clothing as well as bills and food. He had used his grace many times to increase the size of Sams clothes, but they were fading through wear and tear. He couldn't change that without Sam or Dean noticing, that something wasn't right, clothes don't repair themselves over time.  

Once he was satisfied that the house was tidy and secure from demons, he went to see Gabriel, he would give them some privacy. He hoped that Dean would be discharged in a few days and then what? At the hospital, he could continue to pretend he was visiting someone on the same floor as Dean, but once they were home. He had no excuses to speak to him. 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Dean awoke to an empty room; Sam had left earlier to go home to shower before going to school. It was Friday, which meant that Sam would be staying at his friend's house for the night. He was relieved; he was exhausted. He had tried to keep up the happy charade in front of Sam, but it was difficult, and he knew Sam could sense that he was still feeling unhappy, but if he ever asked. He would have denied it. 

He had jolted awake once again from the nightmare during the night, and he felt tired. He didn't want to go back to sleep; he didn't want the dream to reoccur, not when Sam was lying next to him, he couldn't allow his brother to hear him cry; he felt wrecked. 

He would have to speak to the counsellor later, and he wasn't looking forward to it. He couldn't talk about his feelings; it would make him look weak and pathetic. 

“ _What use would him talking to her be anyway?_ ” he thought to himself. He would be told it’s not his fault; he was worth something and all that other fairy tale shit. Words wouldn't change anything. He knew how he felt; he knew what was true, telling him that it wasn't his fault, wouldn't alter the fact that it  **was**  his fault. 

His mother died because he didn't say anything when he first saw his father begin to fall sleep, If he had said something out loud, his mom would have taken over the driving, and she would still be alive now. It was his fucking fault, and he hated himself. He was worthless. It should have been him, not her. He was angry at God; he prayed for two weeks, begging for him to switch him and his mom, let her live and let him die, and here he was, in a fucking hospital room alive and his mom was dead. 

Why was he still alive? It’s not like he would make anyone happy. He was just a waste. Everyone would be better off without him... He hurt his father the last time he saw him. He didn't blame his father; he was angry that Sam needed clothes and their father wasn't around, he didn't mean to say anything about his mom's death, it just came out, and once it was out; he couldn't take it back. He hurt his father. He hurt Sam. He fucked everything up for everyone. He didn't deserve to live. 

His vision blurred as tears threatened to spill, he wiped them away with the back of his hand and took several deep breaths in, calming himself. He couldn't afford for anyone to walk in and see him like that, He didn't want to face questions that he would rather not answer.  

He turned over to face the window and fell into a dreamless sleep, waking only when there was a knock on the door. He slowly opened his eyes and turned seeing who had woken him.  

Two nurses and a doctor entered the room.  

"Good morning Dean.” 

"Morning." Dean's voice felt hoarse. 

"How are you feeling today?" the doctor smiled. 

He felt uneasy. He didn't like doctors; they seemed so clinical as if they couldn't understand emotions but just mimicked what they thought you needed to see. 

"I'm all right." He lied. He wasn't fine, but he wasn't going to tell them that. He didn't want to be in the hospital anymore. He wished he was back at home with Sam. 

"Dean, we need to talk about medication to help with your depression." 

"Why? Will they stop the nightmares? Will they bring my mother back? " He blurted it out before he could think about it, he didn't mean to; he didn't want anyone to see those cracks, he needed to remain strong for Sam. 

Even though, inside, he wanted to cry and scream until the ache in his chest stopped.He didn't want to feel anything anymore. He wanted to lay down still and for it all to stop, for it all to be silent and calm. 

He took the pills hoping it would all just fucking disappear, the lonely ache in his chest, the voice in his head, the guilt, the pain... Everything. He had wanted it all to go away, and now, now he was in a fucking hospital bed, and nothing had changed. 

"Dean, You need to speak with Sarah. She can help you with your grief; it is not healthy to be still grieving after this long." He didn't say anything; he didn't want to talk anymore. He wanted to go back to sleep and never wake up.   

 

He lay back down and turned facing away from the doctor. He watched out of the window and said nothing else. 

The doctor continued to talk, but he didn't know what he was saying, his voice was muffled. He closed his eyes to block out everything, and then he was opening his eyes, and the sun was higher in the sky and realised he had fallen asleep. He stretched and rolled to face the other way, about to close his eyes, just as he saw those deep-blue eyes, watching him.  

He blinked his eyes to focus, and when he opened his eyes again, the blue eyes were gone. He sat up and looked around the room; no one was there. Had he imagined it? Was he hallucinating? Great, he was now fucking crazy too.  

He closed them again, attempting to go back to sleep when there was a knock on the door. Shit, it would be the interfering counsellor who wanted him to spill all his pathetic feelings like a baby. He squeezed his eyes closed and placed the blanket over his head and forced his breathing into a deep, slow, steady pattern, hoping she would assume he was asleep.  

Instead, though, he hears the low, gravelly voice from the day before... " _Who was he talking to?_ " he thought to himself curiously. 

"Hello." 

"Are you here to visit Dean, Mr Winchester?" 

Shit. He forgot that the nurses thought he was their uncle.  

"Oh... Um... Yes... Is he awake?" 

Shit, he was going to come in and see his horrible puffy eyes. Dean jumped out of the bed and ran to the bathroom; he glared at himself in the mirror, assessing his red eyes and the puffy bruised looking skin beneath, and to his bed-hair. He turned on the taps, adjusting the temperature so it was just right and scrubbed his face, splashing some water over his hair, then finger combed through it.

Dean grabbed the face towel and rubbed it dry. He applied far too much toothpaste to his toothbrush as he rushed to clean them, rinsing his mouth quickly. He heard the door open to his room. He turned, facing the bathroom door, straightened his clothes, took a deep breath and opened and stepped out of it.  

His breath left his lungs as he stood just inches from the man's face, his eyes even more intense and beautiful close-up.  

"Um... Hi..." Dean barely breathed out; he smelt really nice.  

"Hello, Dean," Castiel responded and remained standing there, watching him, and he started to feel uncomfortable, given the close proximity of each other.  

"Um... Excuse me... " Dean stepped around the man and walked back to sit on his bed. 

"Are there anything I can help you with?" He finally asked when Castiel made no attempt to speak or even move. 

"How are you, Dean?" Castiel's expression was intense, but sincere like he really did want to know.  

"I'm fine... What about you?" He didn't know what to say, this was awkward; his heart was thumping in his chest. The blue-eyed stranger had a strange effect on his senses. 

"I'm well, Thank you." 

"I don't mean to be rude... But why are you here?" 

"Oh, um... I was walking past and a nurse who was knocking on your room door, recognised me from yesterday and, I... well I had to say I was coming to visit you.' 

"Oh." He felt himself begin to blush again, partly because of the intensity of the man’s gaze and partly because he felt stupid for not thinking of that.  

"Dean. Really, Are you alright? You don't look happy." Castiel tilted his head, fuck. It was adorable, and his heart began to beat against his chest at an almost impossible speed. He felt his cheeks redden again. God, he was acting like a teenage girl.   

   
 

 

"I... I'm alright." He lied. He smiled weakly and looked away, that intense stare was beginning to make him feel uncomfortable. Like the man could see into his soul, and see he was lying.  

"You don't look fine to me. Your eyes are red and puffy like you have been crying. Would you like to talk about it?" Castiel walked towards the bed and Sat down on the chair, watching him, waiting patiently for him to answer.  

"N-No, not really. It's not something I feel comfortable talking about. Can we talk about something else? Who are you here visiting?" There was something about the man who made him feel like he wanted to talk to him as if he somehow knew the man would not see him as weak or pathetic for how he felt, but he couldn't. This was a stranger, and he knew nothing about him. Besides, the man may think he was too broken and not visit him again, and he really wanted him to visit him.  

"I... um... I am visiting my brother..." Dean watched the man's cheeks slightly redden, and he glanced down at his cupped hands in his lap. He didn't seem comfortable talking about it. 

"I hope he's okay." He replied. Castiel continued to watch his fingers.  

There was a knock on the door, and it opened, fuck, it was the counsellor. Castiel glanced over at her and then stood up and looked towards him.  

"I will leave you, to talk." The man nodded politely at the woman and stepped out of the room.  

Damn it, he had hoped he would stick around. He looked towards the woman. Well, he had to talk to her; she wouldn't allow him to be discharged until he did.  

"Hey, How are you feeling today?" She smiled warmly.  

"I'm feeling better than I have been." He lied; he smiled weakly.  

"That's good to hear, Are you ready to talk about what has been bothering you?" she smiled encouragingly. 

"Um... not really, but if I want to get out of here, I figured I should just get it over with." He continued to force a smile. She watched him for a moment. Okay, maybe he didn't say it in a polite way, but he was starting to feel like a hostage and the only way he would be free to leave was if he spilt his guts to a stranger.  

"So, Dean. What would you like to talk about?" her smile was beginning to annoy him. 

"I don't know. Why don't you tell me, You're the one who has visited every day, wanting to talk?" He didn't smile this time. She was getting on his nerves. 

"How about we talk about why you took three bottles of Sleeping pills?" 

"Actually, it wasn't three bottles. It was two and a half." He pointed it out, stalling for time as he decided what he would tell her.  

She nodded and remained quiet for some time. He started to feel uncomfortable.  

"Do you work?"  

"Yes." 

"What do you do?" 

"I work in a Garage; I'm training to be a car mechanic." 

"Sounds like an exciting Job." 

"Yeah, yeah it is, my dad's a mechanic." He began to relax a little. This was easy to talk about.  

"Have you always wanted to be a mechanic like your father?" 

"Yeah, I can't remember a time when I didn't." 

"Is your father still a mechanic?" 

"No, No he stopped after..."   

"After your mom passed away?"  

"Yes." 

"How did you feel when your mom passed away?" 

Shit.  

"I felt sad." 

She hummed and tilted her head, offering a sympathetic smile. "How do you feel about it now?"  

Fuck.  

"Well, I... I still feel sad about it." He looked down at his hands, fiddling with the hem of the blanket.  

"You miss her." 

"Yeah, Of course, I do. She was my Mom, who wouldn't miss their Mom?" Okay, now he was feeling really uncomfortable.

"Hmm... You blame your father for her death?" 

"What? No, of course not!" he balled his hands.He didn't want to talk about this, not with her.  

"Do you blame yourself?" 

Shit. He continued to stare at his hands; He wanted her to leave, but knew, he had to say something. He wanted to go home.  

"No." He lied. 

"So, what happened the night you took the sleeping pills?" Her tone was still conversational as if it was nothing important. 

He remained quiet. He didn't want to tell her.  

"Okay, What is your brother like? His name is Samuel right?" 

This was easier.  

"Yes, Sammy is great; he's smart, He's a genius really." Pride swelled up inside of him. His brother would make something of himself. He was a great kid.  

"You sound proud of him." She smiled warmly again. 

"Yeah, he's the best, you know? He wants to be a lawyer, fight for the little guys. He's really mature for his age. “He relaxed against his pillow.  

"How did he feel when your Mom died?"  

"How do you think he would have felt? He was only 9 years old. He was upset." This was getting tiring. The change of conversations was messing with his head.  

"Alright, so how do you feel today?" She had asked him that already. 

"I have already told you. I'm all right."  

"Why won't you talk about what happened the night you took the pills?" 

"Because I shouted at my father, and I blamed him for everything, for my mom's death, and I didn't mean to because it wasn't his fault... it was... it was..." 

he stopped and took a deep inhale of breath.  

"It was... just an accident.” he finished.  

"Thank you for telling me, Dean." She placed her hand over his and squeezed his hand briefly before removing it again. 

"What else caused it, Dean, because that wouldn't cause such a drastic reaction? Do you suffer from nightmares?" 

He looked up at her, did she know? 

"Um... Yeah..." She nodded. His answer confirmed something.  

"They about the night of the accident?" 

He nodded. 

"Are they frequent?" 

He nodded again. 

"So how often would you say?" 

He sighed. "It's every night." he could feel the prickle in his nose, as his tears began to blur his vision.   

 

"You're doing really well, Dean."  

"Are they the same every time?" 

He shook his head. 

"Oh? What changes in them?" 

"Sometimes, a man is standing over my mother, as I watch her lay there on the grass. Other times he looks at me, but I can't see him in the dark. He's just a shadow. Sometimes it’s Sam on the grass, other times its Dad and other times, I'm the one who was driving."  

He started to cry; he'd said too much, he didn't want to cry. He swiped angrily at the tears with the back of his hand, trying to calm down, but it was hard to stop them. He turned onto his side, his knees pulled to his chest as he started to cry, in earnest, hands clutched at his chest, the emptiness screaming loud as something clawed to escape, he wanted it all to stop. It was unbearable, why wouldn't it stop? 

"Okay, Dean. I think that's enough for now. You did very well. I will come back tomorrow, and we can talk about what we can do to help you." 

He didn't answer. He wanted her to leave him alone. He pushed his blanket over his head, already beginning to feel the emotional exhaustion taking hold, barely able to keep his eyes open.  

He fell asleep again, and before he opened his eyes, he smelt it. Was that fresh, hot apple pie? He opened his eyes quickly and turned finding a whole pie sitting on his table. A note was beside it.  

"I came to see you, but you were sleeping. I thought you might like something better than Hospital food. Castiel" 

He smiled at the note. He freakin' loved Castiel! 

He pulled the table closer as he sat against the pillows, took off the lid. He found a fork and spoon tucked neatly to the side, and not caring how he may have looked for anyone who walked into the room... he shoved a large portion into his mouth. He inhaled a few times to allow the apple to cool before swallowing, God that's good pie!  

It suddenly occurred to him, how did Castiel know he loved pie? Then he shrugged it off,  _"who doesn't like pie?"_  

He turned on the Television and flipped channels until he reached one that was showing 'The Simpsons'.. he slid down the bed a little more and settled to watch the television, bringing the pie lower so it rested on his lap, not caring when some of the pastry fell onto his bed. For the moment, he felt okay, although he was tired, his eyes felt swollen and a little sore, but he felt fine.  

 

 

***************************************************************************************** 

 

Castiel sat on the chair beside Dean watching 'The Simpsons' listening to Deans chuckles every now and then after the boy did or said something naughty. He didn't understand the show, couldn’t see how it was meant to be funny, strangely enough, Metatron had not watched 'The Simpsons', because if he did, he would have understood it a bit better.  

He turned his attention back to Dean. He'd been surprised to hear that Dean's nightmare included him, he had no idea that Dean had ever seen him that night, he wasn't visible, so how could he? 

He arrived too late, when he finally managed to get back to Dean, he found Mary, unconscious on the grass after being thrown from the car. He turned to Dean and for a briefest of a second thought, Dean had seen him, but he was invisible, and it was foolish to think Dean had seen him.  

He was wrestling with his thoughts; he wanted to talk to Dean again. He could, maybe; he could knock the door and just, just what? He was meant to be a stranger... but he could make the excuse that the nurses had seen him again... Yes. That would work.   

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this has taken a while to post, Been really busy with Christmas and other things coming up unexpected, I'm going to try to post at least 1 chapter per week.  
> I hope everyone had a happy and safe Christmas/Holiday :)

Castiel made his way through the hospital halls; searching for an empty room so he could materialise without anyone noticing him; which took some time to find. Once he finally found a room, he stepped inside briefly and walked out causing a small woman to start, he gave her a warm smile and a nod before walking towards Dean’s room, he could feel her eyes on his retreating back as he made his way through the hall. When he reached Dean’s room, he raised his hand to knock on the door, as he heard someone walk up close behind him.  

"Mr Winchester, May I speak to you privately?” he turned to find the counsellor standing to the side of him. 

“Um… Okay… Is anything wrong?” 

“We will discuss everything once we’re seated.” 

“Okay.” He gestured for her to lead the way and followed her through to a small room. 

The room had four chairs, and vertical blinds covering the window which was pulled closed, there were pictures of beautiful landscapes hanging on the walls, and on a table in the middle was a box of tissues. He looked towards her and then to the chairs.  

“Please, take a seat.” She gestured to the chair opposite her. 

He sat down and waited for her to begin; he felt a little uneasy with the formality of this meeting. His palms became a little sweaty, and his shirt collar became a bit too tight even though the top button was already undone. Was there something wrong with Dean, that he hadn't noticed? 

"Mr Winchester, My name is Sarah McCullen. I am the hospital psychologist. I spoke with Dean this afternoon… Mr Winchester. Dean is very ill.” 

“Oh? What is wrong with him?” his voice seemed a little too high pitched to his ears, but he didn't care, if something was wrong with Dean, he wanted to know. He would do everything he could to fix it; a small amount of fear began to grow as he realised he couldn't heal him; he was forbidden to do so, but worse than that, he had no power to help him.   

 “My evaluation of him shows signs that Dean is severely depressed; he is going to need a lot of counselling and a lot of support from his family, and he will have to start on a course of anti-depressants. We can’t discharge him without the assurance that he will meet all three of those needs. “ 

“What happens if he disagrees with any three of them?” He knew Dean would not agree with the second one, and his father was absent. 

“If any of the requirements are not met, he will have to be hospitalised, and he will be under the care of psychiatrists, who are specialised in mental illness such as severe depression. There is a high risk that Dean will try to harm himself again if he is left to continue as he has been… Dean went through a traumatic ordeal 7 years ago, that he hasn't recovered from. He will need extensive counselling to allow him to move on with his life. 

“Alright, I will have a word with him and relay everything you have told me. I am willing to support him in any way he needs me to.” 

“Thank you, Mr Winchester; I’m sorry that the news was not a more positive one.” 

He nodded, and stood up; he waited for her to leave the room and then stepped out into the hallway. Dean was not going to agree to this. 

He walked to the hospital room, sighed, and then knocked the door. 

He waited a few seconds before entering, 

“Oh, Hey Cas!” Well, he seemed happier than he had earlier, that was good. He smiled back, 

“May I sit down? I need to speak to you.” 

“Oh... Um... Yeah, take a seat. What’s up?” 

“I... Um… I was walking by, to visit my brother and the hospital counsellor called me into a room to speak to me regarding your health. I'm sorry. She believed I was your uncle. I hope you’re not offended by that.” 

“Oh...” he watched as Dean’s face began to redden and continued.   

 “She said, her evaluation of you wasn’t good, she told me you were severely depressed and would need to follow three requirements if you want to go home.” 

“Wh- What are the requirements?” Dean sounded nervous. He didn't like it, and he wanted to reassure him. 

“One… You have to take anti-depressants daily. Two… you have to speak to a counsellor once per week… Three… you must have an adult family member around to help you and be supportive.” 

There was obvious anger in Dean’s expression; he knew that Dean would not take the requirements easily. 

“And... What if I refuse any of them?” Dean’s voice was stiff. 

“You will be hospitalised.” 

He watched the colour leave Dean’s face as he took in the ramifications of not following these requirements. 

“I don’t have any family support,” Dean spoke so quietly, he almost missed what he had said. 

Dean sounded defeated. Castiel wanted to comfort him. He already knew that Dean had no family, but he had to pretend he didn’t know such a thing. 

“What about your father, couldn't he put in leave from work and be home for you?” He asked. Dean's eyes were glazed, and he absently mumbled his answer. 

“No, I don’t know where my father is; he left and hasn’t come back.” He then realised what he said and looked towards Castiel anxiously. 

“Oh, I mean my father is away a lot on business and I… I don’t know if he can take time off.” 

This was his chance to offer him help without seeming too forward. He hoped. 

“Dean, it’s alright. I already figured that your father was not around, I thought it the day I first came in here… I have an idea, but I am not sure you will go for it, after all, you do not know me.” 

Dean looked up hopeful, running his tongue along his lower lip.  _Damn did he have to do that?_  The gesture caused something to stir in his belly, something warm. He dragged his eyes away from Dean’s lips and looked down at his hands while he continued to speak. 

“They think I’m your uncle… What if I agreed to help with the support?” his voice lowered a little more. He wasn’t sure of Dean’s answer. 

“Why would you do that for me?” 

He thought for some time before answering. 

“You’re a good man Dean, and something has happened that has caused you to give up on life, I have seen how you look at your brother, how much love is there for him, and I can tell you’ve been more of a father to him, than your own father. I want to help you and Sam. You don’t need to give me an answer now.” 

Castiel reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of folded paper. 

“Think about it, and if you would like to talk, or are willing to let me help you, call me, and I will be there to help.” 

He placed the piece of paper onto the table near Dean’s bed and sat back down. 

Dean stared at the folded paper for some time. His eyes were glazed, and Castiel hoped it was a good sign that he would accept his help. 

Dean tried hiding how he really felt, plastering a smile on his face but his eyes were tight, and the corners of his mouth sunk downwards slightly, but that was also how Dean looked just days before he had gone back and altered the timeline. He carried a lot of weight on his shoulders, assuming the responsibility for everyone and even in this new timeline, he shouldered the responsibility. Dean truly was the righteous man; it didn’t matter how life unfurled. He would still feel the sense of guilt for something going wrong and only now was he the beginning to realise it.

He could alter the timeline a thousand times, and Dean would always feel the weight of the world and feel responsible for others and their fates. 

He broke the silence first. 

“How are you feeling this evening Dean?” He fixed his eyes on Dean’s and for a moment Dean appeared surprised and then looked uncomfortable. 

“I’m… I’m alright, just a bit exhausted; the counsellor came today and… “Castiel waited for the rest, but Dean suddenly turned and looked down at the piece of paper resting on his table. 

“How is your brother?” Dean changed the subject. He should have realised he would do that, feelings were an uncomfortable thing for him to express. 

“He is doing well.” He lied, not knowing what else he could say about the imagined sick brother, and he changed the subject again, hoping to distract Dean from him.  

“What are you planning for Christmas? “ this was a good way to distract Dean. 

“Christmas? It's too soon to think about Christmas” He looked confused and appeared to be silently struggling with some calculations; his eyes were squinted in concentration and then looked at Castiel still confused. 

“There are only three weeks left until Christmas. “ 

“Oh shit. I haven’t thought about it; I need to get Sam something. “Dean grimaced. 

“I need to get out of here before then.” 

He watched Dean as he became lost in his inner thoughts; Dean stared at the piece of paper. He could hear the nurse making her rounds, explaining to other visitors that visiting time was coming to an end. 

Dean didn't notice the muffles of noise outside of his room; he was still in deep thought, so he decided that he should get his attention and say good-bye. 

“I have to go, Dean, Visiting hours is almost over. Please think about my offer to help and call me when you’ve made up your mind. “ 

Dean stared at Castiel and licked his bottom lip, and dragging his teeth over it as if hesitating to say something but then appeared to have changed his mind. 

“Good night Cas, I will think about it, Thank you. “ 

Castiel stood up and smiled. “You’re welcome Dean; I hope to hear from you soon.” 

He looked once more at Dean before walking to the door. He didn’t want to leave. Dean looked so small in the big bed, while his eyes glazed over, his expression changed; he again looked defeated and stared blankly at the paper still lying untouched on the table. 

He opened the door and stepped outside. 

Castiel wanted to check on Sam at his friend’s house. Sam was still in danger from Azazel's followers; he had on several occasions killed demons as they made their way to attack Sam, although it had been some time since anymore had tried, the silence didn’t mean they had stopped and that made him a little uncomfortable leaving Sam alone for too long. 

 

******************************************** 

Dean heard more than saw as the door closed behind Castiel, he was so confused. He wished to go home; he didn’t want to leave Sam any longer on his own, especially with Christmas not so far away. 

He wanted to say yes to Castiel, if for any reason for his brother so he could be at home with him, but a small secret part of him wanted to say yes because it meant Castiel would continue to be in his life, which made him feel a little self-centred. Castiel had a brother, who needed him, and it would be selfish to put his problems on to him, but would he have offered if he hadn’t thought of his own brother? Surely that would have already occurred to the man. 

He picked up the piece of paper and unfolded it. It was Castiel mobile number. 

He grazed his lower lip with his teeth, thinking it over if he said yes, he could be out of this room by Monday. He could be back home with Sam. Of course, that would mean having to spill his guts to a stranger once a week, but it was unavoidable, and anti-depressants, well he didn't actually have to take them. He could just pop the blister for the day and throw the pill down the sink. No one would know. 

He turned and opened his drawer and fumbled around until he felt the outline of his mobile and pulled it out, he unlocked the mobile and directed his fingers across the buttons, navigating to the new message logo.   

 

He paused, staring at the contact number input; could he actually allow a stranger to help? He didn’t know. He pressed the button to add a contact and scanned for Sam’s name instead, and pressed to input Sam’s contact. 

“Hey Samm, Are you Having fun at Brad's?” 

He waited for the response, maybe he would ask Sam about it first, after all, Sam was being affected by this too, and he may not want some stranger hanging around their house. 

Sam: 

 **“Yeah, we’re just finishing our homework. We're having pizza for dinner! Are you okay?”**  

Dean: 

 **“Ugh… homework? It’s the weekend! Relax a little and have some fun! I am good. Um... What do you think of Castiel?”**  

 

Sam: 

 **“Well we are getting homework out the way, so we can have fun... Der… :P I like Castiel… Why do you ask?”**  

Dean: 

 **“Well I might be getting out of here real soon, but there are conditions I have to follow one of them is having someone there to babysit me and well... He offered to help. Are you okay with that?”**  

Sam: 

 **“Really?? That 'd be nice if you can come home! I like Castiel so whatever you choose to do is fine by me. :)**  “ 

 

Dean: 

 **“Alright, I will send him a text and tell him yes, have fun and don’t work too hard! Live it up a little.”**  

 

Sam: 

 **“Dean you’re such a bad influence. Homework is necessary… der. “**  

Dean: 

 **“LOL, whatever. G'night, Sammy.”**  

Sam: 

 **“Good night Dean. :)”**  

 

Dean's hand lingered over the new message option for some time. He wasn't sure… then another text message popped up 

 

Sam: 

 **“Dean, I know you're hesitating. I can hear you from here. Just say yes already and stop being such a girl!“**  

Dean: 

 **“Bitch.”**  

Sam 

 **“Jerk.”**  

 

He giggled. He opened the new message and punched in Castiel’s number before he could think twice. 

Dean: 

 **“Hey, Cas… If you are still offering to help… um, I would like that a lot… but If you don’t want to….That’s alright.”**  

Cas: 

 **“Dean I’m glad you contacted me. No, the offer is still there, and I’m happy to help.”**  

Dean: 

 **“Cool man... um... Thanks. :)”**  

Cas: 

 **“You are welcome, Goodnight Dean.”**  

Dean: 

 **“Night Cas.”**  

 

He put his mobile back in the drawer and turned back to flick through the TV channels. There wasn’t much on to watch, so he stared at the screen; lost in his thoughts of Christmas. He hadn’t really cared about Christmas since his mom died, but he always made some effort for his brother, even with the lack of money, he made sure he had gotten Sam something and scraped enough money together to celebrate with a cooked Christmas dinner. Although he substituted the turkey with chicken, potatoes with Instant Mash and the vegetables were limited to peas and sweet corn, it was the cheapest he could get. He wanted to make this year better. Sam went through a lot; he messed up, and Sam had to suffer it. He was going to make it up to him; he would beg Vince if he had to for extra shifts at the garage and if that didn’t work he would ask around for any kind of job available, even if he had to play an elf at one of the Santa grottos. This year would be memorable for his little brother, he slowly fell to sleep with images of the upcoming Christmas day.   

 

He woke with a start, sweating and screaming for his mom. It was still dark and for a moment, he was confused to where he was, he was in the hospital, but his legs didn’t hurt, there were no casts on them… then it came clear, it wasn’t that night, his mother had been dead seven years. Samwas okay; he was at Brad's, and his father was gone, but for a moment, he swore he saw those blue eyes in the darkness of his room, sitting on the chair. The same eyes he had just seen in his nightmare. However, there was no one there, his dream was changing and twisting into something new. His mom was still lying on the grass; his brother and father remained unconscious in their seats, but the shadowed figure was no longer shrouded in darkness.  

The person wore a trench coat, dark messy hair, piercing baby blue eyes and an expression of regret across his features. It was Castiel. Castiel crouched beside his mother’s broken body, a hand hovering over her and then looking up towards him. 

He didn’t like how his nightmare had changed. He didn’t want Castiel in it; he didn’t want him tainted with the images of that night so that every time he looked at him; he would be reminded of that night. He climbed off the bed and walked to the bathroom. He relieved himself, and padded over to the mirror and stared at his reflection. The bruising bags under his eyes looked worse in the dim light that came through the small window; he looked grey in colour, and sweat still beaded on his forehead. He turned the cold tap on and threw water over his face, washing away the sweat and images of the nightmare, which he knew was pointless. They would be back the next night. He didn’t like to sleep before he was in the hospital, he did everything he could to delay the moment he needed to rest. He was exhausted, and sleep offered him no peace. 

He needed to get out of the hospital. He wanted to be back at home. The hospital was causing his nightmares to become more vivid, maybe because he was in a hospital room now, much like the one he was in when he was 13. 

He would talk to Sarah tomorrow, and he would agree to her conditions, and make plans with Castiel. He had no idea what Castiel would need to do for him to meet the support requirement, or if he was willing to do whatever it was that it required. 

He dried off and returned to his bed, picked up his mobile; it was 4:29 in the morning. It would be a few hours before breakfast rounds would be made, so he settled back in and watched the infomercial on the Television, scoffing at the fake surprise of some actress while watching as the man showed her how cleanly the blade cut the carrots into slices. He rolled his eyes and switched the Television off.   

He picked up the piece of paper that had Castiel’s contact number on and turned it over to the blank side, reached for a pen that was in his drawer and began writing a list of items he wanted to get for Christmas. Trimmings, a tree, baubles, chicken, vegetables, gravy and of course a present for Sam, he had no idea what he would buy Sam for Christmas and spent over an hour deliberating over items that thought his brother would love.  

 

He allowed his mind to wander on different ideas for the rest of Christmas day and lost track of time when someone knocked his door. It was an Auderly with a tray in his hand. He glanced over in surprise and blinked, turned towards the window and noticed that the sun was beaming through the window making its way up into the sky. 

He had been so wrapped in his plans that the hospital had bustled to life around him. He smelt the scrambled egg before seeing them and turned his attention to his tray, two pieces of toast, scrambled eggs, a bowl of fruit and a menu for the lunch. 

 

“Would you like some Tea?” Dean stared up at the man and blinked. He thought the Auderly had left again; they usually did. 

"Is there any chance of getting a black coffee?” he looked pleading with the man, who smiled warmly, 

 

“I will see if I can sneak you one.” The man winked and walked out the room. 

 

Well, that was a first; he normally had a grumpy old man who told him, “No. You can have tea, orange juice or water.” Maybe today was going to be a good day after all.   

   
 

He picked up one of the pieces of toast and spread a large amount of butter onto it, taking a large bite into it with more enthusiasm than he had in a long time. He would be going home soon, and he would see the sexy blue-eyed man again and to top it off... He would finally get a cup of coffee that he had been missing since he woke up out of the coma. Just as he finished off the first piece of toast, the man came back with his cup of coffee. 

“There you go champ.” 

“Where did you get it from?” he talked around the last bite of his toast, astonished that the Auderly did actually manage to get him a coffee. 

“The staff room, some doctor probably won’t be happy when he finds his coffee missing.” The man winked and grinned at him.  

The guy was friendly. It was a nice change to the staff he had met so far; he was cheery, and Dean noticed that the man wasn’t the typical kind of person he had seen in the job he was doing, he was casually dressed, wearing jeans and no apron. 

“Are you new to the job?” well, it couldn’t hurt to ask him, he can only tell him to mind his own business, which would be a weird response. 

“You could say that.” The man grinned again. 

“What do you mean? You do work here right?” 

“Well… No, not really. I’m Castiel’s brother.” 

“Oh.” Dean had no idea what to say. Was this man Castiel’s brother? He didn’t look sick to him. 

“Aren’t you meant to be ill?" 

"Who me? Oh… yes… I was sick.” The man gave a fake cough. 

Dean watched him through narrowed eyes, becoming suspicious of him; there was no family resemblance between the brothers. Was he really his brother? Or some nut case? 

“My name is Gabriel, Nice to meet ya. I’m sure Cassie will be here in a minute.” 

And as if by magic, Castiel swung the door open and glared at his brother. 

“Ah, Cassie, we were just talking about you.” The man who said his name was Gabriel turned towards his brother with a cheerful smile. 

“Gabriel. What are you doing in here?” 

“I came to meet the man who has occupied your time... Is there something wrong with that?” 

“Gabriel. Please leave.” 

Dean watched curiously, well they acted like brothers. 

"Please excuse my brother, Gabriel has a sick sense of humour; he thinks he's funny when he really,  _really_  isn’t.” Castiel pointed the last part directly at Gabriel glaring at him. 

“Okay, little bro. I will leave.” Gabriel turned back to Dean. 

“Enjoy your coffee.” Smiling, he left the room. 

Once Gabriel was gone and Castiel had shut the door, Dean picked up his cup and sipped cautiously from the cup of coffee and then blew on it a bit before taking a larger gulp of it. 

“This is good Coffee…... So Cas... I thought your brother was sick?”   

 “Oh, Yes, he was. He’s better now, as you could see.” 

 

“Oh, well that’s good Cas. “ 

 

Dean took another gulp of the coffee relishing it as it slid down his throat, enjoying the taste, the smell was intoxicating, and he lifted the cup to his lips for another mouthful as Castiel started to speak again. 

 

“I shouldn’t be here; it’s not visiting hours yet. I was coming to collect my brother and heard his voice coming from your room. How are you this morning? ” 

 

“I’m feeling good, better than I have been. I have coffee after all.” Dean grinned at Castiel. He wasn’t lying, and it was true. He felt better than he had in a while, and he couldn’t wait to speak with the counsellor again so he could get things moving and be out of the hospital. 

 

“Good to hear Dean, Do you want me to be here when the counsellor comes to speak to you? Maybe I can offer her assurance that I will be there to support you?” 

 

“Don’t you have anything else you need to do? I mean, it would be great to have you here so we can get the ball moving for me to be discharged, but I don’t want to hold you up from other things.” He hoped that he wouldn’t have anything else to do, it was true, with Castiel there to offer assurance. He would have a better chance of leaving; he could be discharged earlier than Monday if all went well. 

 

“No, I have nothing else to be doing. I’d like to be here to help you.” Dean watched as Castiel shifted a little, he seemed a little unsure of something. 

 

“Dean, I was thinking. What if they expect the person, I mean me, to stay with you... Like for the whole 24 hours a day?” 

 

“Oh… um… I didn’t think about that. We can talk about that if it happens… yeah?” 

 

"Yes, of course.” Castiel smiled at him and gestured towards the door. 

 

"I had better leave before someone finds me here and tells me to leave; I will be back around 11 am if that’s ok with you?” 

 

“Yeah, Yeah that’s fine Cas. I will see you at 11.” Dean smiled until Castiel left and closed the door behind him. 

 

He had a good feeling about everything; He might even be let out that afternoon.   

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

Castiel found Gabriel just outside Dean’s room, waiting for him. 

“Castiel, we need to talk pronto.” His expression was serious, and he knew that whatever he wanted to talk about wasn’t good news. 

“Okay.” He replied. He hoped that Michael and Raphael had not found out about his plan, he didn’t know how he would be able to talk his way out of it. 

Gabriel disappeared, and he followed him until they were standing on a cliff overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. 

“What’s wrong?” he could sense his older brother's concern, and when he looked into his brother's eyes, he could see that something was amiss.  

“Raphael has been sniffing around, asking others about your whereabouts. The reason I was in Dean’s room was to involve myself. Raphael and Michael can send you to the pit, or to hell, but they can’t do anything to me, you’re simply doing something I have asked you to do, which is to help Dean. I am fond of them both, they taught me a lot in the other timeline, and I have grown to love humanity. Dean and Sam are good people, and they deserve some happiness.” 

“I... I don’t understand… Why didn’t you tell me this before?” he was confused, until now, Gabriel had stayed out of the affairs to do with the boys and now. He's here, helping. 

“Well beforehand, I didn’t need to get involved; my brothers weren’t paying you too much attention. They had other pressing matters to put all their attention into, like keeping order in heaven after you altered everything, you caused a rather large ripple in heaven, there were others who questioned father's prophecies. If a Seraph could modify the path, then how can our father know all and have control of everything… well, Michael and Raphael have finally settled down the masses and are now trying to find out what you have been doing since you left them after the accident. I’m not as stupid as those two. Dad brought you back twice, even upgraded your abilities and status… It means that Dad thinks you're special, which my dim-witted brothers can’t see any significance about, but I do… besides; you’re my kind of guy. You removed the rod from your ass, and you don’t dance to their tune. We’re alike, although your sense of humour needs to be better tuned.” 

“So what happens now? I am meant to help Dean by doing whatever the doctors need me to do, where do you fit into all this?” He didn’t understand how Gabriel would be involved and how that would stop Michael and Raphael from following through with their threats towards him. 

“Well, I’m going to be there too; I'm going to watch over Sam and protect him from the demons who may try to attack him while you concentrate on Dean. Raphael and Michael could try to put you in the pit, but I can, and will pull you back out. They both know I can do it, so I’m hoping they won’t even bother. “ 

“But… the house they live in isn’t big enough for us all, Gabriel.” 

“Then they can move in with us.” Gabriel grinned mischievously.   

“We don’t have a house,” Castiel replied, confused. 

“No, we don’t… But we will by the time Dean is discharged. Now your next job is to convince Dean to move both him and Sam into our new house.” 

Castiel narrowed his eyes, confused but nodded. 

"Okay, I should get back, I told Dean I would be there at eleven “ 

Gabriel nodded and clicked his fingers. He was gone. 

He hoped this would work, and he hoped that Dean would agree. He went back to the hospital and watched Dean from the foot of his bed, remaining unseen; His only concern was Michael and Raphael. 

Would their plan work? Or would he be cast down into the pit? His only option was to wait and see. 

A heavy weight was lifted from his shoulders. He had Gabriel on board, and he would watch over Sam, and that allowed him to spend time with Dean, as long as Dean wanted and needed. 

He observed Dean for some time, Dean was looking much happier than he had before. Dean was smiling, while alternating between writing something down and chewing on the end of the pen that was in his hand, sometimes deep in thought before he put pen to paper again. Every so often, he would pick up his mobile and look towards the door. 

That’s when he realised, it was 11:21 am, He should have been there, and Dean was waiting for him. He left the room, found somewhere to materialise and walked back to Dean’s room, he knocked twice and entered. Dean looked up immediately and gave him a genuine smile.

“Hey, Cas!” Dean sat up straight and gestured to the chair near his bed. 

“I’ve been writing a list for Christmas, I want to give Sam a Christmas to remember.” 

“You sound happier Dean. That's good. What have you written so far?” 

As Dean read the list out loud, Castiel watched as his face became more animated. 

“Dean, I have something of an offer to put to you before the psychologist visits.” 

“Yeah? What is it?” 

“Well, my brother… the one you met this morning, he came up with this idea… that you and Sam come and stay with us, in our house. There is enough room for both you and Sam.” He hoped that last part was true, Gabriel hadn’t come back with the address yet, but he knew Gabriel would find something suitable.   

 “We can decorate the house with Christmas trimmings, and lights and get a big tree. What do you think? “ 

Dean sat thinking for some time, chewing on the end of the pen. 

“Wouldn’t that be a bit weird? You don’t know me, or Sam, and we don’t really know you. I could be a serial killer, or you or your brother could be.” 

“That is true, but I assure you, my brother and I are harmless, and I wouldn’t believe for a second that you could be capable of killing an innocent person. If you like, you could come and stay as a trial? You could stay a few days or maybe until after Christmas. You would be free to leave whenever you want if that is what you want. The hospital will have the address and both mine and my brother’s names, well our first names at least so if you were to disappear, they would know the last-known whereabouts of you. In case, you know... We murdered you. It’s up to you, though; your comfort is what’s important.” 

 

Dean continued to chew on his pen, thinking through what he had just been told. 

“I will have to call and ask Sam first. I don’t want to agree to anything without him being on board with it.” 

“Okay, I will wait outside if you like, give you some privacy.” He stood up and walked towards the room door. He would wait just outside, if Dean needed him, he would be able to call him. 

He stood outside the door and waited. Gabriel walked up the hallway towards him, with a grin as always stretched across his face. 

“Well, I have our mansion secured. We are officially owners of a five bedroom, six bathroom house with a huge kitchen and two formal living rooms.” Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows up and down. 

"It’s not bad, eh? Here is the address. I guess I will see you at home, honey.” He grinned and winked. 

Castiel rolled his eyes and then Gabriel was gone. He looked down at the piece of paper to find an address scribbled on it. 

Now, all that was needed was for Dean and Sam to agree. 

 

****************************************************************** 

 

Dean lifted the mobile to his ear, watching the door as he waited for Sam to pick up on the other end. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey Sam” 

“Dean? Is everything Okay? Have you found out when you can come home?” 

“That’s kind of why I called you. We haven’t spoken to the psychologist yet but-“ 

“We? Who's we?” Sam asked teasingly.

"Cas and me.” 

“Oh, it’s ' _we'_  now?” Sam continued a tone of teasing and gave a short giggle. 

Dean rolled his eyes even though Sam couldn’t see such a gesture. 

“Sam, listen. Cas and his brother Gabriel have offered for us to stay with them, Cas said they have enough room for you to stay in your own room… what do you think?” 

There was a moment of silence on the other end of the mobile. 

“Hey Sam?” 

“Yeah, um… well, what do you think Dean?” 

“Well, I trust Cas, I can’t explain it, but I feel he can be trusted, and we would be safe, but I won’t say yes unless you’re on board with it.” 

“Dean, I don’t know… would you be happy there, Would it make you feel better and would I need to change schools?” 

“I'm not sure if I’d be happy there, but it might help with them discharging me, and if it’s too far from your school, I will drive you there myself. Cas said that we could stay as a trial if we like, and we can leave at any time.” 

“Well, if it helps you leaving the hospital, and you’re comfortable, then I guess it would be okay.” 

“Alright, I will tell Cas yes, but only if it’s for a trial time first.” 

“Okay, cool. I have to go. Brad, Jess and Jo are about to pick a movie without me, and I don’t want to watch some girly movie. Let me know what the doctor says.” 

Dean snickered at the thought of Sam having to sit through a romantic comedy. 

“Alright, I had better go and tell Cas what we decided. I will let you know the moment I find out more. Bye Sam. Have fun.” 

“Bye Dean”   

Dean hung up the mobile and climbed out the bed, padded to the door and opened to look outside, Castiel was standing only a few inches from him, he inhaled sharply, unable to remember what he was meant to say until Castiel stepped back a little. 

“You can come in now.” Dean clumsily walked back into the room, a little unsettled from the close proximity of the other man. 

“Well, it looks like you have two house guests unless of course, you’ve changed your mind?” 

“That’s good, here is the address. We can give this to the psychologist when she comes in. Our house has five bedrooms and six bathrooms so no one will crowd anyone else, and we have a big kitchen too. Our home is your home while you’re with us.” Castiel smiled at him 

“You have a mansion?” 

“Yes, I guess it would be called one of those.” 

“Whoa. Are you sure you want us staying with you?” 

“Yes, we want you to stay with us. Gabriel is looking forward to it in fact. He is looking forward to meeting Sam. “ 

The door opened, and Sarah walked in, smiling brightly looking towards both men. 

"Hi, Dean. Hello again, Mr Winchester.” 

“Please call me Castiel.” 

“Okay, Castiel.” She offered him a bright smile. 

“Well, shall we sit down? We have a lot to talk about.” 

"Okay," He felt nervous and excited; he wasn’t sure if it was at the prospect of leaving the hospital, or the knowledge that he would be living with Castiel, 24 hours a day. He decided to sit cross-legged on his bed, turned towards both Castiel and the psychologist. 

“Ok Dean, I assume your uncle has spoken to you about what we require from you if we are to discharge you?” 

“Yes, he has.” 

“Okay, and do you agree with them?” 

“Yes, I do.” 

“Alright, I need to ask you and your uncle some questions so we can sort out the discharge papers; we need to create a health-care plan to start with. okay?” 

He was at a loss for words. The butterflies were fluttering more, and the excitement was building stronger; this is it. He could go home… he could go home. No, wait, he was going to live with Castiel. His mouth felt dry; he leant forward and poured himself a glass of water, sipping just enough to stop his mouth feeling sticky but not enough to feel like he needed to empty the contents of his stomach in the toilet. 

"Alright, so I need to know who will be next to kin; would that be you... Mr Winchester?”   

“Um… yes. “ 

“Alright, so what is your fall name?” 

“It’s um, Castiel James Winchester.” 

“How do you spell Castiel?” 

"C-A-S-T-I-E-L." 

“Alright, thank you. “ 

“Will you be staying with Dean?” 

“Um... No... He and Samuel will be staying with me and my- their other Uncle, Gabriel.” 

“Alright, will Gabriel be also known as someone who will be helping Dean?” 

“Um… Yes.” 

“What is his full name?” 

“It’s Gabriel Winchester". 

"How do you spell Gabriel?” 

"G-A-B-R-I-E-L." 

“Alright thank you.” 

The room was quiet; there was only the sound of the pen writing down the details and his heartbeat quickened. He felt nervous, what if she said he couldn't leave, what if they checked and found that they weren’t any relation to him and refused him to leave? 

“Um, may I be excused for a moment; I need to use the bathroom?” 

He had to go before he had an anxiety attack, and he didn't need her to think he wasn't well enough to leave the hospital. 

“Of course Dean, at the moment your uncle’s details are all I need.” 

He untangled his legs that started to feel like jelly, took a few minutes before climbing off the bed and stepped into the bathroom. He breathed out slowly, and stepped to the sink and turned the taps on. He splashed his face with cold water and leant over the counter, steadying himself. Nothing was going to go wrong; he reminded himself; he was alright, and he would be able to leave. They wouldn’t check-up; he wasn’t a child after all; they just wanted to know there were people to be there for him. He took another deep breath and then splashed more water on his face. He finally felt steady again. “Okay, I can do this. It’s not a big thing. “He encouraged himself mentally. 

 

He turned towards the door, reached for the handle and took one more deep breath in... He would be okay. He was going to be going home. 

“Okay, I have all your uncles’ details, and yours are all on file. So what we need to do now is discuss your care plan Dean, what you are required to do.” 

“Okay.” 

He walked back to his bed and settled onto it again.   

“So we are going to start you on a course of Anti-depressants, it is vital that you continue to take them. You take one per day. You mustn’t take yourself off them. It is important that if you feel any worse, or severe side effects that you see your doctor before discontinuing. Now, in some cases, Anti-depressants can cause a patient to become manic. If this happens, you must call one of these numbers.” She handed him a pamphlet that had several numbers on it, one he saw was the suicide hotline numbers, and another was emergency services. 

“If you can’t reach a telephone to call these phone numbers, speak to your uncles, they will be able to call one of these numbers and help you. If the anti-depressants feel like they aren’t working, we will try another one." 

He nodded staring down at the numbers in front of him. 

“Do you have any questions, Dean?” 

He shook his head. 

“Alright, I have booked you for weekly appointments with Dr Marks. He is an excellent Doctor, don’t be afraid to talk to him about anything that’s bothering you, or what you’re feeling. He is one of our best psychologists, but Dean, please don’t ignore the appointments; it's paramount for you to complete the care plan, if you have to cancel the appointment because something comes up, you must call the office and cancel, then reschedule for another time in that week.” 

Dean nodded again. 

“Okay, last of all, someone will come around and see how you’re doing once a month, to make sure everything is fine, and you have everything you need at your uncles, and to make sure you do have someone around to support you. Other than that, you will be able to live as you did before.” 

“Does that mean I can go back to work?” 

“Yes, As long as you feel up to it.” 

“Cool.” 

“Do you have any more questions?” 

“Um… yeah… When can I leave here?” 

“Well, once you and your uncle have signed these forms, and we have the discharge papers filled. You can go.” 

“What? Today?” 

“Yes.” 

“Really? That’s it? I can pack up my stuff, and I can leave?” 

“Yes.” 

“That’s great news!” Dean grinned. 

“Well, Mr Winchester… could you please sign here… and then here?” 

"Yes, Of course.” 

Dean noticed that Castiel held the pen in an awkward position as he scrawled a signature for both parts, and then the psychologist handed the same form to Dean. 

“Dean, please sign here and here, it’s basically saying that I have explained it all to you and that you agree to follow the care plan.” 

“Okay.” 

He signed the two parts and handed them back. 

“Okay, I will be back as soon as your discharge papers have been done.” She smiled and left the room. 

“Well, Cas, that was easier than I thought. “He grinned at the other man. 

Castiel smiled back at him and gestured to some of the things lying in the cupboard next to his bed. 

“Shall we pack your stuff? Would you like to shower before you leave? I can pack this up for you while you do that?” 

“Okay, that would be great. “ He smiled and picked up a towel and some clean clothes from the bag that Sam had brought with him at some point while he was in the coma, and rushed to the bathroom. 

As soon as he was in the bathroom and the door was locked, Dean let out a silent "woohoo" and fist pumped. He was going to be released. He thought he was never going to leave. He shrugged off his clothes and turned the shower taps on and fiddled with them until they were at the right temperature, and quickly stepped inside, he took a moment to let the water cascade down his body; face tilted into the spray. The shower hadn’t felt so good as it had at that moment, he reluctantly picked up the bar of soap and lathered himself up and scrubbed his hair, the heat of the shower releasing a lot of the stress that had been balling up over the last couple of weeks. He rubbed his face with the washcloth until it felt raw, then finally rinsing the soap and suds from his hair and body. As he turned off the taps, he felt the heat radiating and relished in how his skin felt fresh and clean. He tied the towel around his waist and suddenly remembered; he hadn’t let Sam know that he was being released. 

He unlocked the door and walked back into his room. Castiel turned around and stopped dead. His eyes widened and suddenly turned back around, Had he began to blush? 

“Hmm, that was interesting.” He thought to himself as he walked back to the side table, smiling inwardly. 

“I forgot to tell Sam that I was being discharged today, he’s going to be thrilled. “ 

 

 **Dean:**    **Hey, Sam looks like I’m going to be released today. Are you still at Brad's?**  

 **Sam:**  “ **Oh, my God! That’s great news! I can’t wait to see you. I will meet you there, don’t go until I’m there okay?’**  

 **Dean:**  “ **No, Sam, go back to Dads and pack some things, I will meet you there, so I can pack my stuff too, and then we will head to Cas’s house. They have a mansion! 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms!**  

 **Sam:** “ **Okay, I will meet you there, let me know when you’re discharged, and I will head home then. I am still at Brad's with Jess and Jo. :)** “ 

 **Dean:** “ **Alright, I’ll see you in a while. :)** “ 

 

He was about to put his phone into his Jean pocket and then realised he was still in his towel. So he stood up and ran back into the bathroom and dried himself and dressed quickly. 

“Okay, it looks like I’m all packed up, Thank you Cas." 

Castiel looked at him for a moment without saying anything and then busied himself with Dean’s bag. 

“You’re welcome Dean.” 

The door opened, and the Psychologist was back. 

“Alright, so we have done your papers, these are your first months of Anti-Depressants, and this is a prescription to cover them for five more months after and, lastly, these are your appointment dates with Dr Marks... Stay safe and Dean, I don’t want to see you in here again. Okay?” 

“Yes Ma’am” Dean grinned at her; he placed the items into his bag and turned looking at Castiel. 

“Well, are we ready to go?” he picked up his mobile and wrote a quick text to Sam letting him know that they were about to leave to go back to the house and that he would meet him there in 30 minutes. 

“Oh shit, I haven’t got my car with me. It’s still at the house.” 

“Gabriel is meeting us in the car park to take us back to yours. I sent him a message while you were in the shower. We can pick up your car then.” 

“Oh, thank you.” Dean couldn’t help but smile brightly at Castiel.

“You know Cas; you're like my Guardian Angel.” 

He picked up his bag and opened the door, only glancing once more at the room before leaving it. 

“Let’s go and break out of this place.” He didn’t wait to see if Castiel was following him, he wanted to be as far as he could be, away from the Hospital.   

 


	6. Chapter 6

 They made their way down to the car park just as Gabriel rolled up to the curb. “Hey guys, Hop in.” Dean wandered around to the back of the car to the trunk with his bags and then climbed into the seats of the car. 

Gabriel pulled out from the curb and drove them back to Dean’s house. He didn’t’ know how they knew where he lived. 

“How did you know where to drive?” he leaned forward between the two front seats, waiting for the answer. 

“Oh, Cassie saw your address on the forms he signed, and told me where to go.” 

“Oh… that makes sense.” He smiled as they stopped in front of the house. He stepped out of the car and walked up the path; Sam was already standing at the open door, an enormous silly grin on his face before launching himself at Dean, wrapping his arms tightly around him. 

“Whoa Sammy, I can barely breathe.” 

Sam quickly let go and stepped back looking at Dean sheepishly. 

“Sorry… I’m just so happy to see you out of the hospital.”  

Dean noticed that Sam had grown much taller in just over a month, and grimaced at the faded patches of his jeans. 

“We need to get you some more clothing. They are worn down to the threads.” 

Sam shrugged and turned around, picking up two bags. “I’m ready to go. I packed your things too.” He smiled brighter. “I’m glad you’re back home Dean.” 

“Me too Sam, I’m sorry I put you through so much. I promise I’m going to make it up to you.” 

"Yeah, you better,” Sam replied as he lightly shoved Dean with his shoulder before looking over to the car. 

“So that’s Castiel’s brother?” 

“Yeah, that’s Gabriel. He's alright. He is looking forward to meeting you.” 

“Another Angel name, I guess their parents were obsessed with angels,” Sam commented as he walked down the path towards the car. 

 

***************************************************************************** 

Castiel watched as the two young men stood talking on the doorstep of their house, he turned looking at Gabriel. 

“Have you warded the house against Demons entering?” 

“Yes, and it’s warded against any Angels finding it unless we give them our whereabouts. I obviously can’t ward against Angels entering without causing discomfort for me and you but while the boys are in the house, they won’t be able to locate them. It’s the best I could do.” 

He nodded. It was more than he had expected. 

“That’s good news. Thank you, Gabriel, for doing this for them, knowing they will be safe, for the time being, gives me a positive feeling that things will start to be okay for them. I hope anyways." He sighed, regrets still lying just beneath the surface. The two young men were so vulnerable in this timeline; He would never forgive himself if either of them was killed by a demon or an angel. 

“Gabe, do you think we should tell them what we are?” 

“I don’t know, maybe we should just keep those details quiet, for the moment, let them get to know us first. We don’t need them to run from us. It would make everything more complicated keeping them safe, and then there is Dean, angry with himself for his mother’s death. I don’t think we would be welcomed by him yet, after all, we’re angels, and his mother died. He would hate us; blame us for not helping his mother, for not exchanging his soul for hers. “ 

“True, I just don’t like lying to him. Pretending we’re human.” 

They watched as Sam looked over Dean’s shoulder at the car and began to walk down to them, holding both his and Dean’s bags on his shoulder. 

   
“Hey, Sammy!” Gabriel shouted out, opening his door and stepping to meet him at the back of the car.   

 Sam offered Gabriel a small nod and a quiet “Hey.” As he glanced up and down over Gabriel, then offering him a quiet “Thanks" when Gabriel opened the trunk for him to dump the bags inside. 

Castiel turned towards Dean, who was still standing on the doorstep, looking at the exchange between his brother and Gabriel. He turned back to the house and locked the door. 

He noticed a small frown as Dean turned making his way down the path towards the car. 

Once he reached the car, he bent down and lent his arms against the opening of the window. 

“Are you alright Dean?” 

“Uh… I’m fine. I’m going to drive my car to your house, Sam and I will follow if that is okay?” 

"Yes, of course, Dean. “ 

“Alright, we will meet you there.” Dean offered a tight smile before turning away from the window and towards Sam. 

“Sam, you’re coming with me. We will follow them.” 

Gabriel jumped into his seat and waited for Dean and Sam when he saw the boys settled and waiting; he pulled out onto the road, looking through the rear-view mirror to make sure Dean was doing the same. 

“We need to speak to Bobby about the Impala, the last time I visited his Salvage yard it was still under some covers. He is waiting for Dean to go up there and fix it, but he can’t face the car yet. It’s really weird seeing him without it… it was his baby. It brought him a lot of happiness, but now it just brings him heartache.” Castiel sighed again, another thing that was different in this timeline, another thing that once brought Dean Joy, but now only brought him sorrow.  

“Cassie, we will help him, okay? And, when he is better we won’t be able to stop him going to Bobby’s and fixing the car… you know we could organise for the car to be brought down and stored in our new garage, and when the time is right, we could uncover it and show him?”  

   
” I don’t know… I am not sure he will ever be ready to see it again.” He looked down to his hands. 

"Castiel, Stop beating yourself up about this. Look, you didn’t know what would happen. Your heart was in the right place, even if it worked out not like you planned.” 

“I am beginning to believe that everything I feel is right, is actually wrong.” 

“Well, Dean seems a bit better already since you burst into his life last week, that is something to hold on to, if you can make him feel even slightly better in a week, then there is no telling how much better he will be in a month... Two months... In a year. Stop being a party pooper; take the small silver linings as they come, alright? We have three more years before the prophecy began to unravel, we have a lot of work to do to protect them against both Heaven and Hell, who knows what schemes my idiot brothers will dream up next, or what the hell will try to do to start the seals being broken. We just need to look at the positive side. Okay? “

"They can’t complete the prophecy! Sam wasn’t infected with Azazel's blood so he won’t be breaking the last seal. Why would Heaven or hell even care about the boys now except revenge?” He felt a lump rise in his throat. 

“There are more ways than one to break the last seal, as long as it’s Sam that does it and Dean, we aren’t out of the woods yet. We have to keep demons away from him. He has one thing he would give up his soul for more than anything now, His mother’s life for his soul, and he would take it without thinking.” 

 

“Do you mean that everything I did? Everything that the boys have suffered over the last seven years could be for nothing, but worse, they wouldn’t even know what would be happening?” He felt sick. He felt the bile in his vessel rising. He had made them more vulnerable than he had even realised. 

“Cassie, calm down, you’re going to break the dashboard the way you’re gripping it. We will be back at the house in a minute, and you need to settle yourself; we don’t need the boys worrying because you look like you’ve just seen a ghost.” Gabriel reached over and gently ruffled Castiel’s hair. 

“It will be okay. We are here to protect them so nothing is going to come of it. Okay?” 

“Alright.” He didn’t’ feel reassured, but Gabriel was right. He needed to settle himself. He didn’t want them sensing something wrong. It’s not as if he could explain it to them, they didn’t know Demons and Angels existed; other than in storybooks.  

 

He saw the house as Gabriel made his way on the drive... “Gabe, did you need to pick the biggest house on the block?” His eyes were wide at the sheer size of the gardens, and the house loomed over everything. It looked much larger than the five bedrooms Gabriel had mentioned. 

 

“How many rooms does this place have?” 

“Er… I’m not actually sure... I didn’t explore all of it.” Gabriel responded. “If we’re going to live in a house, I want it to be one of the best. It’s going to be fun!” 

 

Castiel rolled his eyes at the idea of fun; the meaning of fun to his brother was certainly not his idea. “Well don’t scare them okay? They don’t need your kind of tricks and games… “ 

 

“Yes, Dad,” Gabriel replied with a grin. 

 

“When did you have the rod wedged back in? “ 

 

“I’m being serious Gabe; your tricks are a little too much for them. They are in the dark with everything; they aren’t the same people that you remember them.” 

Gabriel chuckled. 

” I will be on my best behaviour. Scouts honour." 

Castiel narrowed his eyes at his brother. 

“You didn’t go to scouts.” 

“I know.” Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows. 

They stopped just outside the house, and Castiel stepped out of the car first, looking up at the large building that swamped them. 

He heard a gasp from the other car and turned finding the two young men staring up, eyes wide and mouths open. 

 

“Geez, Cas, this isn’t a mansion. It’s a palace!” 

He didn’t say anything, he couldn’t exactly give away the fact he also had no idea what he was walking into. He smiled and walked towards the door gesturing for them to follow him. He reached out with his grace, trying to get a feel for what was on the other side of the door, but he sensed nothing, because of the warding that had been placed over the house.   

   
Gabriel joined them at the front door and unlocked it, swinging the door open and gestured for Sam and Dean to step inside. Castiel followed after them, holding his breath, stepping inside, and just as quickly exhaled it as he finally saw the large size of the front hall. It was huge. 

He turned back to Gabriel, raising his eyebrows in disbelief. 

 “I don’t do things by half Cassie.” The shorter man chuckled as he swept past the boys to give them a huge over the done welcome to their new home. His arms open wide. 

 “Welcome, home Boys! Make yourself comfortable. Mi casa es su casa.” 

He stood back, allowing Gabriel to give them a quick tour of the lower floor, leading them into the kitchen. He slowly followed behind, taking his time to look around at all the richly furnished surroundings; he made his way into the kitchen to see the boys begin to tuck into four boxes of pizza and a large glass of Coke each. Gabriel was entertaining them with his terrible jokes.

He decided it would be a good time to take a look at the second level of the house, to familiarise him with the layout; it wouldn’t do well if he were asked where a room was and couldn’t tell them. He reached half-way up to the stairs and heard Sam giggle, and then Dean followed with a deep laugh. It caused a knot to form in his stomach, and his spine tingled. It was good to hear him laugh again; he almost wished he was in the kitchen, watching Dean’s eyes light up and sparkle. He regained his composure and continued walking up the stairs until he reached the landing, there was another set of stairs leading to another floor above him, he sighed... He would have to explore that level too.  He stepped into the hall of the second floor and looked both ways; he decided he would go to the left and then make his way back and continue to the right side. 

The hall was extensively decorated with old portraits of unknown models, but when he stepped closer to the first bedrooms, he noticed that the paintings changed. There was a picture of Gabriel, and he groaned loudly. It was Gabriel as himself, An Angel, with wings sprawled around the canvas but instead of the traditional painting of the Archangel, he was laid back on a bench with a lollipop in his hand. He shook his head and continued to study the pictures. The next one was Michael, standing over a pitiful looking Angel, of course, it was meant to be Lucifer but the way it had been painted, this Angel was scrawny, pretty grotesque and pleading Michael to spare him. He moved to the next, and it was him. His eyes widened, and mouth dropped. He was lying on a feathered bed, wings lazily resting on the floor in front and behind him, while a very naked Dean was resting against him, feeding him grapes. 

 “I’m going to kill him.” He thought angrily, although he couldn’t help sweeping over Deans form slowly again before removing the painting completely. 

 The next was of Raphael, looking down at the one who was viewing the picture, leering as if wishing to smite them on the spot that they stood on. Although it was a much better presentation of the archangel, he didn’t think it would make Dean or Sam feel at ease, he removed that painting too. He carried on down to the first door at the end of the hall and opened it. The room was big, and it was light and airy with a four-poster bed which was painted gold; the room was beautifully furnished.

  He moved through the room to a door that was open, which led to a bathroom. The bathroom was furnished with gold-plated towel railings, taps and shower head; there was a small spa bath in the corner and a shower that could fit at least three people inside of it without any risk of being cramped together. He returned to the hallway and entered the next room. It was much the same as the first bedroom; except a little smaller, the windows opened up to a large garden and a fountain. 

He decided the room would be Deans; the view was beautiful and serene, just what he would need at the moment, he walked to the bathroom and found it was identical to the other one, and so he moved swiftly back out of the room and then walked down to the next room. 

He entered and found that it was much different to the first two, the room walls were covered with bookcases that were filled with old and new books. A desk was facing the window which looked out on the lawns and some trees further away. 

 The room would be perfect for Sam. He made a mental note of where the rooms were so he could take the boys straight to their rooms. The bathroom was the same as the others, and so he walked back out and followed to the other end of the hall, where he found two more rooms, one was apparently claimed by Gabriel as it had some empty candy wrappers on the bed, and there was clothing thrown everywhere. The last one was more modest. It had sheets thrown over the furniture, and the curtains were closed. It was evident Gabriel planned for him to take the room at the other end, next to Dean. 

He moved back out towards the stairs, as he heard Gabriel direct the boys towards them. 

“If you follow me, boys, I will show you your rooms. Cassie must be already up there.” Dean reached the top first after Gabriel and smiled to Castiel; he couldn’t help but return the smile. Dean seemed taken back for a moment,  “Hello Dean.” 

“Hi,” Dean said a bit breathless, 

“I will show you and Sam to your rooms.” 

   
 Gabriel followed them, and as he passed the paintings, he snickered at the empty places that use to hold the ridiculous painting of him and Dean. He turned back and gave Gabriel a look that meant he hadn’t heard the end of it, and continued past. He opened Dean’s room door and gestured for him to walk in. 

  “This is your room, Dean.” 

Dean gasped as he stepped inside the door. “Whoa.” He said almost soundlessly, he stepped forward, taking a closer look at the bed and then to the windows; staring out across the garden and fountain. Castiel moved to the bathroom, gesturing for him to look around. “This is your bathroom. If you need any toiletries, let me or Gabriel know, and we will get them.” 

Dean walked past him, not saying a word, his mouth open and eyes taking in every detail of the room. 

They both jumped at the sound of Sam’s gasps and turned to see him looking at the large bed. Dean turned towards Castiel, “Where will Sam be sleeping?” He asked curiously. 

“He’s staying next door. I'll show you.” He moved out of the room and waited for them in the hall outside Sam’s bedroom and then gestured for Sam to walk in first.

Sam gasped and then whooped.  Gabriel entered the room and smiling proudly at his furnishing choices.   “Do you like it, Sammy? I thought this bedroom would be perfect for you.” Gabriel looked towards him and winked before turning back towards Sam, who was standing staring at all the books that covered two walls. 

 “This is great.” Sam finally said looking away from the books and to the king-sized bed on the opposite wall and then to the large mahogany desk next to the sizeable windows. 

Dean smiled at Sam’s expression of sheer joy on Gabriel coughed and caught Castiel’s attention, he gestured for him to follow him outside the room. 

“Let’s get their things for them, let them look around the place a bit.” 

 He nodded, and moved down the hallway, down the stairs and through the front entrance.  Then turned on his brother, “Gabriel what the hell was you thinking about with that painting of… of … ?“He couldn’t finish the sentence. 

 Gabriel raised an eyebrow, “Oh come on Cas! You’re not bashful, are you? I think everyone has seen how you both undress each other while the other isn’t looking.”

“That is not true Gabriel!” He felt his cheeks flushing.  

“Oh please, you can't-fool me, Cassie. I think you, and Dean makes a cute couple.” 

 “hmmph” was all he could say and moved to the back of the car, lifting his hand and opening the trunk.

He pulled the bags out and walked back to the house, giving Gabriel a dirty look as he passed by and found the boys still in Sam’s bedroom, talking quietly, they glanced over to him as he put Sam’s bags onto the bed, and then turned towards Sam. “Sam, we need to buy you some new clothes on Monday after school.” 

 “Um, We… We can’t off-”. Sam began to stammer over the words before he lifted his hand to cut him off. 

 “I will get them if I am to be in the role of your uncle, then I will provide you with some clothes, besides. Money is not important to me.” He smiled at both before lifting Dean’s bags. 

 “I will just place these on your bed, and then I’ll leave you both to settle. I will be downstairs if you need me.” He gave them both warm smiles and walked out the room, making his way to Dean’s room to place his bags onto his bed and then leaving them both to talk and get used to their new home. He walked down the stairs; he would explore the bottom floor for a while. 

 He noticed Gabriel standing at the bottom of the stairs, smirking at his distinct sudden uncomfortable feeling, ignoring him he asked, "So what rooms are down here Gabe? Is there a television?” 

Gabriel snorted.  “Television? I’d call it more a cinema screen!” Gabriel quickly made his way through the hall, and he had to walk in large strides to keep up with him. 

“What do you mean?” 

"Well, a Television is kind of small. What is in this room isn’t exactly a television." He chuckled as he opened the French doors. 

He couldn’t help the gasp. The room was huge. It was dark, and there were multiple platforms of comfortable chairs and couches, all facing a screen that took up the space of the whole wall from Ceiling to the floor. 

“Where did you get this?” he asked, not sure if he really wanted to know the answer. 

“Well it’s not hard to create one of these big boys; one of the perks of being an archangel, everything in this house was created by me.” 

“I have all the movies, which have come out recently, and some old ones that I know the boy's love and some country-western ones for Dean. “ 

Castiel stood stunned, staring at the room, so Gabriel continued. 

“So do you think Dean and Sam will love it?” Castiel turned towards him. Of course... He was doing all this to please the brothers, it explained it... Except the damn painting, that was created for him personally to cause him some discomfort. 

“I think they will never want to leave.” He responded quietly to the other man. 

“Good, that’s what I am hoping.” Gabriel looked rather pleased with himself. They heard the sound of feet coming down the stairs and muffled voices of both Sam and Dean. 

“We’re here boys, through the second door on the right as you turn right at the stairs!” 

His smile broadened as he heard their approach and quickly waved his hand before they finally reached them, the Screen turned on, and sound blared out of hidden speakers around the walls. He recognised the theme song instantly. It was star wars, the first one to ever be made.   

He turned towards Dean. He was staring at the screen with wide eyes and a smile that reached from ear to ear. He loved it when Dean smiled unabashed, his sheer joy shining through brightly that it would have guided the three wise men with no need for the North Star. 

“Oh My god, oh my god, oh my god! This is awesome!” Dean exclaimed. 

Sam was quieter. He stared up at the words that were scrolling on the screen and then turning towards his brother, the shocked expression turning into a delighted smile as he watched his brother's face light up. 

   
“Well, shall we boys? “ Gabriel held two buckets of popcorn in his hand and held them out to both Sam and Dean and gestured for them to pick a place to watch the movie. 

Castiel reluctantly dragged himself away from watching Dean and glance at where Gabriel was pointing. When Dean made no sign of moving, he reached for his hand a little hesitant at first, barely touching his fingers, when he didn’t pull back, he took his hand in his and guided him towards the sofa that could seat four near in the middle of the room. Dean followed, like a little child who was in awe, still looking at the screen smiling. Cas sat down and tugged Dean's hand to get him to take the seat.

Dean almost landed on his lap but altered his position quickly and sat next to Castiel, thigh to thigh. Sam sat the other side and then Gabriel took that remaining space, passing down large glasses of Coke. The two men did not seem to question where Gabriel had been hiding the Popcorn and Coke which were just as well, there was nowhere in the room that Gabriel could have explained to have got them from. 

The two Angels and the two men settled down to watch the movie, Dean leaning unconsciously on Castiel’s shoulder, his hand still resting in Angel's hand. 

“This is nice.” Castiel thought to himself, Dean was happy; it wouldn’t last long but for the moment, he was happy, and that is all he could have hoped for. 

By the time the movie finished, Dean had fallen asleep; his legs were across Sam’s and Gabriel’s laps and his head resting on his. He looked down at Dean and felt some peace; his features were smooth, and he was quietly snoring. Just then, a kernel of popcorn hits Dean’s head, and he lets out a loud snort; Castiel looked over at both Sam and Gabriel, who were snickering just as Sam launched popcorn into the air, directed at Dean’s face. Dean woke with a start, eyes wide and looking up into Castiel’s eyes; he suddenly realised where he was and shot up into a seated position. 

“Is the movie over?” he slurred as he stretched his arms and rubbed at his eyes. 

“Yes, sleeping beauty, you missed half of it,” Sam said teasingly 

“No, nah ah… I didn’t... I watched most of it.” Dean yawned 

"Dean. I'll show you back to your room. You're tired, and you need some sleep.” He stood up and caught Dean’s elbow and guided him out of the room, down the hall and then up to his room, Dean leant against him as they reached the top. 

“There are too many stairs’ Cas,” Dean complained, and he couldn't help but chuckle; Dean was so tired he couldn’t even complain about it with much gusto.   

 “Come on Dean, we’re almost in your room.” He helped support Dean until they were inside his room, he noticed that Dean’s bags had not been unpacked so he placed Dean on his bed and walked to where his bag was, unzipped it and searched around until he found a pair of shorts and a T-shirt... 

“Come on Dean, you need to get dressed.” 

Dean sat up and took the clothing from his hands and walked towards the bathroom, leaving the door open as he spoke to him. 

“Thank you so much for everything, Cas, you and your brother are awesome."

“Don’t mention it, Dean, you and Sam are welcome here. This place is too big for Gabe and me. “He heard Dean brushing his teeth and then he was at the door grinning. 

“This place is too big for half of America..." he chuckled and moved towards the bed, sitting on the edge. 

 “Cas?” 

He looked towards Dean waiting for him to continue. 

“Would it be really weird if I asked you to stay here with me tonight?” 

 "Um... is that what you want Dean?” 

“Yes. I don’t want to be alone tonight… " 

“Yes, of course, I’ll stay with you. Do you need anything else?” 

Dean pulled the blankets and jumped into the bed, and turned towards him the covers still folded back Dean was waiting for him to join him. 

"I had better go and get some pyjamas first. I will be right back.” 

He made his way back into his own appointed room and took off his clothes, making sure to fold them neatly on the foot of his bed. He didn’t have any clothes since he didn’t need sleep, so he strode quickly to Gabriel’s room and found a tank top in his wardrobe; he pulled it over his head and returned to Dean’s room wearing his white shorts and the borrowed T-shirt. 

Dean was looking up towards the ceiling; he seemed a little lost in his thoughts. He walked slowly towards the bed and sat on the edge, allowing Dean time to notice he was there and then laid back on the pillow, also looking up at the ceiling. 

“Cas, have you ever felt so mentally and emotionally tired that you just want to fall asleep and not wake up?” 

"Um... no, not really. Why, do you feel like that sometimes?”   

 “Yeah, I have.”  Dean paused for a moment and then continued, "After mom had died, I felt this pain in my chest, not a real pain, but… I don’t know. Something wanted to burst out, something angry and sad... but I don’t know how to let it out. It's been there for the last seven years, always there. I can feel it all the time. I feel like I’m alone in the world, and no one can hear me screaming. I can’t stand it.” 

 “Dean what you feel is your soul. It needs to heal, losing your mom was traumatic for you, and although you have recovered physically, your soul is still crying and trying to repair. The soul will do that if it never has a chance to be cleansed.” 

“What do you mean? How do you cleanse your soul?” 

"Well... when someone loses someone they hold a deep love for. They grieve and cry it out. They go through a mourning process, and as they cry, it helps the soul renew, once the grieving process is finished the soul is whole again, and the person doesn’t hurt anymore." 

 “Cas?” 

“Yes?” 

“I didn’t cry when mom first died, I held most of it in for Sam and my dad. I wanted to be strong for them. Do you think that is why I feel the way I do?” 

“Dean, I’m not a doctor, so I can only go from what I know and believe, but yes, I think at least part of it is because you never fully grieved her death.” 

“I miss her Cas.” 

“I know you do, Dean.” 

Dean moved closer to him, and so he placed his arm just above Dean’s head, silently inviting him to come closer if he wanted, Dean hesitated for a moment before slowly scooting towards him until his head was on Castiel’s chest. 

Castiel lowered his arm, stroking Dean's upper arm with his fingertips. Neither of them spoke anymore. Dean had fallen asleep, and he continued to look up at the ceiling, stroking Deans back soothingly as he thought of ways he could help Dean through it all.   


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally finished the chapter, I have proof read this but there may still be some mistakes. 
> 
> Feel free to drop a comment if you find one :P 
> 
> I hope this isn't too much of a bore! :)

Dean stood in a cemetery near his mother’s grave; the sky grew dark, and the doors of the mausoleum suddenly shot open, black smoke began to fly out of the building. He shielded his eyes and ran for cover behind a gravestone, as he turned looking behind him, a man stood looking down. His eyes were yellow, and Dean tried to back away as far as he could. The man’s hand reached forward to grab him, and then he was standing outside his childhood home; flames shot through the roof, the windows cracking where the flames had lashed the frame, he looked up to his father who held his baby brother. His mom was in the building, and he began to scream, calling out to her. Suddenly, he was sitting in the car, watching his mum's broken body lying on the grass, Castiel bent down beside her, his hand hovering over her body, then he looked up towards him; his blue eyes gazed directly into his. “I’m sorry, Dean.”

Dean sat up quickly, confused and frightened; he looked around the room as confusion begun to ebb away as he recalled where he was, being replaced by nausea.  He felt the bile rising and scrambled off the bed, half falling as he untangled his legs from the sheets, he rushed to the toilet and emptied the contents of his stomach. Once he had nothing else left to expel he leant his head against the toilet seat, he felt clammy and was shaking, and he felt wrecked.   

 

He tried to fight back the tears that threatened to fall, but it was no good. He sobbed into his hands, then crumpled to the ground and clutched at his chest. He couldn't take it anymore. 

The voice began to speak. 

 

"You know it's your fault, Dean. You could have warned your mom. You saw him falling asleep, and you ignored it. She is dead because of you." 

   
 

"No. No. No! I didn't know he was falling asleep. I didn't know!" He screamed out into the empty room, placing his hands over his ears, in a futile attempt to mute the voice.   
 

 

"Yes, you did. You decided to say nothing because you didn't want to hear your mother and father argue again."   
 

   
"No! That's not... It's not true!" 

 

"You can't lie to me, Dean. You killed your mother."   
 

   
 

   
"Dean?" 

"I didn't mean to! I didn't know! I didn't want her to die! It should have been me!"   
 

"Dean."   
 

"It was my fault. All of it was my fault!" 

 He pulled his legs up to his chest and continued to cry in earnest 

“I wish I was dead. I wish it were me. I wish she were here.” His voice sounded strangled as he continued to shout into the empty room, tightly closing his eyes attempting to shut everything out. 

  “Dean!” He finally heard the voice; it came from behind him just moments before he felt someone pull him up until his cheek was pressed against their chest, they smelt earthy with a hint of rain and spring, then the hand began to stroke his hair, a gentle voice attempting to soothe him. 

 “Dean, it wasn’t your fault. You were just a boy. It was not your fault. Come on, calm down. “ 

“It was. It was all my fault. I saw him… I saw him falling asleep, and I said nothing... It was my fault.” He couldn’t help the tears that flowed, soaking the shirt his face was now buried into, curling his hands into the soft fabric, inhaling the surprisingly comforting scent. 

 

“No, you were just a boy, Dean. You did nothing wrong. Shush now, calm down.” 

He felt fingers lightly touch his left temple before everything went dark.   

 

 *****************************************************************************

 

“Castiel what happened? What’s wrong with Dean?” He glanced over his shoulder to find Gabriel standing at the door looking past him to Dean. 

“I don’t know. I think he had another nightmare. I found him in here on the ground. Gabe, how can we help him? I wish I could take it all away. I know I could make him forget, but his soul will still be broken. “ 

 

He sat on the bathroom floor watching the man who lay asleep in his arms; he began to stroke his hair attentively, unconsciously. 

“I did this to him, Gabriel.” 

 

“C’mon Cas; let’s get him into bed before Sam wakes up, he doesn’t need to see his brother like this.” 

 

He lifted Dean into his arms and carried him to the bed, slowly lowering him down, and then pulled the blankets back over him. Gabriel placed his hand on his brother’s shoulder. 

“Cas, he will be okay. He just needs time; we will help him through this. “ 

“I hope so.” He replied solemnly, “I should have stayed with him the whole night, but he was in a peaceful sleep. I thought he would be okay.” He paused for a moment looking down at Dean, and then spoke again, quieter than before, “Am I doing the right thing by being involved Gabriel?” 

 

“I don’t know…  no matter if it’s good or bad; you’re making Dean happy, even if it’s mixed in with these breakdowns… That’s all we can hope for right now. C’mon bud, leave him to rest; we can make the boys some breakfast.” 

 

“Would you be able to find Sam some new clothes? He is in need of them, Dean too. They don’t have much. All their clothes fitted into the satchels they brought with them.” 

 

“Sure thing, they will both have a new wardrobe by tomorrow. C’mon buddy, let’s go.” 

 

He nodded and allowed Gabriel to guide him out of the room and down to the kitchen. 

He sat at the breakfast bar watching as Gabriel pulled out some eggs, bacon and sausages from the fridge and heated up some oil in a pan. When it was hot enough he placed the Bacon and sausages down into it and let them sizzle, not long after he cracked and added 2 eggs, flipping oil over them every so often, they remained in companionable silence until they both heard Sam entered the kitchen. 

 

He made his way over to a stool next to Castiel. He still looked tired and rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand.   

 

“Morning.” He said; yawning. “Is Dean awake yet?” 

 

Gabriel spoke first, cheery as always 

“Good morning sunshine.” He slid a plate and a glass of orange juice in front of the younger Winchester. 

 

“No, he’s still sleeping. He probably needs it… eat up while it’s warm.” 

Sam sleepily picked up his knife and fork and stared at the food for a moment before beginning to tuck in. 

 

“Thank You,” Sam replied still sounding half asleep. 

 

Castiel turned in his seat to look at Sam. “So how did you sleep Sam?” he waited patiently while Sam chewed and swallowed his mouthful of food. 

 

“I slept pretty well, thank you. I thought I heard Dean early this morning... Is he okay?” 

 

“Yes, Dean is okay. He had a bit of a nightmare and was a little disturbed by it, once he calmed down he fell back to sleep.” 

 

Sam nodded and became thoughtful, pushing a sausage around the plate. 

 

“Dean has nightmares every night. He tries to hide it from me, and I hear him shouting for mom. I know he blames himself for what happened. “ 

 

Castiel looked over at his brother, their eyes fixed for a moment. “I’m going to go check on Dean, see if he’s awake yet. He needs to eat something.” 

 

Gabe nodded and turned back to the frying pan and added 3 more rations of bacon while he continued to speak with Sam. 

 

“He will get better Sam; he just needs a bit of time and help. He will be alright. I promise. Now champ, what would you like to do today? “   

   
 

 

Gabriel’s voice faded as he reached the top of the stairs, he quietly approached Dean's door, pausing for a moment, not sure if he should knock first or walk in. He didn’t want to startle Dean. 

 

 He didn’t have to think about it long. The door opened, and Dean stepped out, bringing them nose to nose.

 

"Good Morning Dean, Are you feeling better?” he watched as Dean’s cheeks began to flush before he looked away. 

 

 “I…um... Yeah, a little." His voice was barely above a whisper. 

 

 “That’s good. Are you hungry? Gabriel has made you some breakfast.” 

 

“I’m not that hungry, but I could use a coffee.” 

 He became aware slowly that he was too close to Dean and took a step back. Dean lifted his head and looked back at him. His eyes were dull, and the shadows under his eyes were dark. He noticed the forced smile that Dean offered him. 

 

 “Alright, well come on down, I’m sure Gabriel will be able to provide you with what you want.” They started back, down to the kitchen. 

  

****************************************************************** 

They entered the kitchen; Dean could see Sam laughing bent over the counter looking down at Gabriel, who was peeling bits of egg off the floor. 

 

“What’s so funny Sammy?” Dean ruffled his brother’s hair while he too looked over the counter to watch the clean-up. 

“Gabriel tried to flip your eggs like a pancake. It may have worked if he had allowed the egg white to firm up a bit.” Sam explained while still chuckling. 

 

“Uh huh, did you put him up to it?” He elbowed Sam playfully, trying to keep the mood light; he didn’t want him to worry about him. 

 

 He glanced over to see Castiel leaning against the countertop, watching his brother’s attempts to pick up the stray bits of egg. The corners of his eyes crinkled and a smile much wider than it should be. 

 

 “Here, use the cloth, it will work better.” He took pity on the shorter man. Castiel apparently was not willing to move and help, and Sam was too busy laughing to offer any kind of assistance. 

 

 “Er, thanks.” Gabriel used the cloth and wiped away the offending egg then placed the dishcloth into the sink. 

 

 “So what do you boys want to do today?” Gabriel asked conversationally as he cracked another 2 eggs into the frying pan, flicking oil over its surface. 

 

 “Would it be alright if I invite Jess over?” Sam asked looking hopeful.   

 

 “Yes of course! The more, the merrier! Will she need a ride because we can pick her up if you like?” Gabriel placed the egg on the plate with the not so warm Bacon and sausage and slid it to Dean with the briefest of a glance before turning back to Sam. 

 

“I don’t know I will send her a text and ask.” Sam jumped off the stool and ran towards the stairs as Gabriel poured some coffee from the percolator into a cup, then placed it in front of Dean. 

 

“What about you, Dean? What do you want to do today?” Gabriel asked as he placed the sugar bowl in front of him. 

 

He pushed the bacon around the plate while he thought about his answer, what he really wanted to do was to get back in bed, pull the covers over his head and avoid all human interactions at any cost, but he didn’t think that would be a good enough answer. 

 

“I’m feeling a little tired. I think I might just relax, maybe sit in the garden or something.”

 

He looked at Castiel. He needed to apologise for disturbing him earlier and to thank him for being there, although he felt rather embarrassed for passing out the way he did. 

 

“I’ll sit with you,” Castiel said. Dean nodded and picked up his cup and began to drink the coffee, he wasn’t feeling hungry. 

 

He looked down at his plate. He didn’t want to be impolite; he picked at the bacon a little until Sam returned, and asked Gabriel if they could pick Jess up in 30 minutes and then went up to his room, to get dressed and Gabriel left to take the car out of the garage. 

 It was now only he and Castiel, who remained in the kitchen. He pushed the plate aside and looked over at him,  turning his mug slowly around, fiddling with the handle. 

 

“Cas, I want to thank you for allowing us to stay with you. It is very kind of you. I am sorry that I woke you early this morning.” He felt a little embarrassed that he had to see him like that, he wasn’t normally so careless to shout out, but the nightmares were getting worse. 

 

“You didn’t wake me Dean; I was reading in my room. Did you have a nightmare?”  

“Um… Yeah, the dreams are changing, getting worse.” 

“Do you want to talk about them?” 

 

He lifted his head and turned towards Castiel again, who waited patiently; head tilted to the side, resting his back against the counter and arms folded. It shouldn’t have been so sexy, but it was; he wasn’t wearing his large trench coat. The black jacket with the white shirt looked good on him. The combination of his raven coloured hair and the suit brought out the blue of his eyes. He realised he was staring at the man, and he was still waiting for his reply. He flushed and looked back down at his plate, stabbing the egg with his fork. 

 

“No... Not really. Would Gabriel be offended if I didn’t eat this? I’m not hungry. “  

 

“No, it’s alright you can leave it. “ 

 

“Thanks. I might take my coffee outside. Will, will you come with me?” He felt suddenly awkward. This was weird. He was never awkward. He was a charmer. He didn’t stutter.  

He was saved anymore embarrassment when Castiel pushed away from the counter and took his plate and put it in the sink without emptying the contents into the trash can.

 

He stepped into the hall and came back with his trench coat in his hands. 

“It’s cold outside so wear this; it will keep the cold out,” Castiel explained and placed the coat over his shoulders.

 

His nostrils were suddenly filled with the smell of Castiel, Rain. Spring and earth mixed with something else that he didn’t recognise. He blushed when he realised that he had been sniffing a handful of the fabric, and Castiel stared at him, looking a little confused. He dropped the material; gently smoothing out the wrinkles. 

 

“Er... Thanks but won’t you get cold?” 

“No, this will keep me warm.” He gestured to his jacket and then pointed towards the door that led to the back garden. 

“Shall we go?” he asked...   

 

Dean nodded and quickly pushed his arms into the coat then followed behind. The house was huge; they had walked through several doors before they reached the back door. 

 

When he finally stepped outside, he wrapped the coat tighter around himself. It was colder than he expected. He turned towards Castiel to offer him the jacket; he could go back and get his own out of his room, but the other man didn’t seem affected by it. Castiel gestured for him to follow him down some steps, through a small garden of flowers, and then into a greenhouse that had been furnished to create a living space. 

 

It was warm and cosy. Castiel gestured for him to take a seat on a small sofa, and then waited for him to sit before he did the same, turning slightly so he was partially facing him and the gardens, his hands resting on his lap and remained quiet. 

It felt uncomfortable. He didn’t know what to say so he spoke the first thing that came into his head. 

 

“What do you and Gabriel do for a living? This house would take a lot of money to maintain.” It sounded rude, but he had been curious since he first stepped inside of the house. 

   
“We... Um... We inherited it, from our father. We don’t need to work.” Castiel rubbed the back of his neck.

 

There was more silence. Dean glanced around the room again, hoping to find something he could talk about, but the room held nothing personal, there were no family pictures. He began to bounce his knee nervously. The silence grew thicker and then suddenly Castiel spoke. 

 

“Dean, I know it’s hard for you to talk about but this morning… you said it was entirely your fault. Why would you think it was your fault?” 

 

Well, this was something he didn’t want to talk about but, given that it was either talk about it or lapse back into that unbearable silence; he decided it wouldn’t hurt to talk a little about it... 

 

“My mother died when I was 13, my father was driving, and he fell asleep at the wheel. I saw him begin to fall asleep, but I didn’t say anything. If I had said something, mom would have taken over, and she would never have died. “ 

“I am sorry for your loss.” Dean stiffened as Castiel placed his hand on his for a moment, patting gently before moving his hand back in his own lap, the spot where it had been felt suddenly too cold, even though the contact was so brief it had caused heat to surge through him. He felt his cheeks begin to burn slightly. 

“But did you know he was falling asleep?” 

“No, Yes… I don’t know. I thought he was, but I didn’t know if I was mistaken; If I had said something; and I was wrong mom and dad would have started fighting again, and I didn’t want them to argue anymore so I didn’t say anything I thought Dad would know if he was falling asleep I thought he would pull over and let mom drive I didn’t know that he would carry on, but if I had said something, if I had just asked him…... Mom would still be alive. “He tried to take a deep breath, but it was hard; strong hands took hold of his upper arms, pulling him closer into a hug, then one of the hands started to stroke his hair and cheek as the man began to rock him back and forth. 

“Dean, I’m so sorry I brought this up, shush... Calm down... it will be alright.” 

He clung to the man’s jacket, his tears soaking where his face had been... This wasn’t him, he didn’t cry in front of people, but it felt good being in the man’s arms, comforting, and he felt safe. 

He could hear the low, gravelly voice rumble from where his cheek was pressed against the other man’s chest, and it was so rich and soothing. 

“Dean, you were just a child, you didn’t know that anything would happen. If you had done would you have said something?”   

 “Yes of course.” He mumbled into the other man’s chest. 

“It wasn’t your fault, Dean. Your father, he is an adult. It was his responsibility, not yours. You cannot blame yourself for someone else’s actions.” 

“But if I had said something…..." 

“Dean, If Gabriel crashed the car while picking Jessica up and Sam witnessed Gabriel falling asleep but was unsure, so he said nothing and Jessica died. What would you think? Would you blame Sam?” 

  

“No!” Dean straightened up quickly, finding himself partially sitting on the other man’s lap. 

“Oh, and Why not? " Castiel asked curiously, Head tilted, and brow cocked. 

“Because he’s just a kid, and it wouldn’t be his fault, it would be Gabriel’s.” He almost shouted back, the mere thought of Sam blaming himself for something he had no control over, made his stomach flip. 

“And still you were only 13 years old. 3 years younger than what Sam is now, and you blame yourself.” The other man made it a statement, not quite a question. 

 “It’s different.” He retorted and moved so he was sitting wholly back on the cushion beside the man. 

“Oh?  How so Dean?” he continued to prod him for answers that he didn’t know the answer to. 

“It just is.” He stood up and walked over to the glass wall and stared outside at the garden. Castiel remained quiet, and he thought about his questions. 

It was his fault. He knew it was his fault. Cas just didn’t understand. He wasn’t there that night. He wouldn’t know. He heard rustling of the fabric moving behind him, but he didn’t turn around to see if Castiel was leaving,

He continued to stare off into the distance until he became aware of the other man standing close behind him, he could almost feel the other man’s hesitation before his hands rested on Dean’s shoulders. He stiffened slightly as Castiel stood behind him but relaxed again as his thumb and fingers began to apply gentle pressure to the muscles in his shoulders. It felt good, and his eyes fluttered closed, leaning slightly back into the man’s chest“Dean…” the other man whispered into his ear, voice low and gravelly, causing a small pleasurable shiver to ripple through him. 

 

“Mmmm?” He didn’t want to talk; his hands were expertly un-knotting every muscle that had tightened over the past several weeks. 

 

“Do you want to go back to the main house?” The hands on his shoulders stopped and rested lightly on them; the other man was apparently waiting for his answer.  

 

He opened his eyes slowly feeling dazed, suddenly aware of his body’s reaction to the other man’s touch. He turned facing Castiel and noticed he had also been affected by the moment. He couldn’t help glancing down at the other man’s lips and then back to the ocean deep blue eyes that stared into his, pupils slightly larger than they should have been. He almost leant in, but Castiel turned and walked back towards the sofa they had been sitting on. 

 

Castiel cleared his throat then turned to him, “Shall we go back to the main house or would you like to stay for a little longer?” 

“Um… can we stay here? It’s nice." He didn’t want to go back yet. He didn’t want to have to smile and pretend everything was okay. 

   
 

“We can do that.” Castiel nodded and sat down on the sofa, looking expectantly at him to join him again. 

 

He moved over to the sofa and took his seat. They began to talk about different things they liked and disliked.

Dean soon realized that the other man had not experienced much; had not listened to much of any music, only had been drunk once,

it was as if the man had just climbed out of a cave, but the man had firm knowledge of movies, so they spent much of the time talking about movies, although Castiel didn’t have any favourites, which Dean thought was strange. By the time they went back to meet the others in the main house, Dean’s mood had lifted, and when he smiled at Sam, it was genuine.

 

 

 

.

 

NOTE: So I was playing with SIms, and decided to create the mansion. This is just a view of what the kitchen is like. If you want more visuals, let me know :) I'm sorry it's huge, I'm not sure how to make it smaller. :( [](http://imgur.com/9TrdMH1)

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, Finally finished the chapter, I'm hoping to have the next chapter out in about 4 days.  
> I apologize for any mistakes that's still remain, I have gone through it but as always I may have missed some.

He stood watching Dean from the corner of the room while they; Dean, Sam, Gabriel and Jess played Twister. He tried to make sense of what happened in the sunroom; Dean’s reaction towards him and the way Dean looked at him. Did he imagine it? Just for a second, it seemed as if Dean was going to kiss him, and he wanted him to, but he couldn’t allow it to happen. It was something he had not anticipated. In the other timeline, Dean didn't react that way to him. 

The old Dean didn’t like the close proximity. Old Dean would never have allowed him to massage his shoulders; be that close behind him. Old Dean would have made some comment about “ _No chick flick moments."_  He would have done something to prove he was the ladies’ man. 

This Dean was different. The false bravado was there; however, there was something more vulnerable, something more open, and he felt a little guilty admitting it, but he liked it; that wasn’t to say he didn’t miss old Dean; he did. He missed him a lot. It was just that this Dean needed him more. He could help this Dean; he accepted the physical comfort, and it made him feel useful; like he had something to offer him instead of trailing behind and only ever of any use when his divine powers were required. He was needed here in a way that he was never needed before. 

Sam pulled him from his thoughts when he burst into laughter; Dean reached over Sam and Gabriel as he tried to place his right hand on the top green corner circle. There were limbs jumbled together. 

Dean’s current position caused something hot to coil in his belly, and he began to blush. His tight Jean-clad rear was pointed towards him, bent over on all fours as he reached over the coloured circle. His thoughts became much less innocent as he watched with peaked interest in the game they were playing, and images flashed in front of his eyes, of Dean beneath him, above him, and around him. He could almost smell the scent of him beneath the male cologne, and he felt the sudden arousal begin to haze his vision, and his genitals gave an interested twitch at the new direction his thoughts had taken. He cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other, pulling at his trousers to readjust himself. It was not appropriate for him to be thinking such thoughts; Dean was sick. He needed his help; He needed a friend, and he refused to be someone who took advantage like that. 

He couldn’t help it, though; he had always felt the attraction. From the moment, he reached down and pulled him from Hell, the moment; he touched Dean’s soul. He felt a jolt that sent pleasure through every wave of his multi-dimensional form, and the profound bond was created instantly. He didn’t know if the bond still existed. In this timeline, he and his garrison wouldn’t barge into hell to pull him out, but the soul is more complex in nature; unlike a physical body, a soul lives outside of the bounds of time. He had asked Gabriel if it was possible that the bond still existed, but he didn’t know. 

He was unaware of what was happening around him until Dean waved a hand in front of his face and spoke. 

“Hello, Earth to Cas?” Dean smiled, and he cleared his throat and focused on him, “I’m sorry Dean. I was… um… thinking. Are you alright?” 

“Yeah, I’m alright.” Deans’ smile broadened; showing his teeth, his tongue poking out slightly in the way it did when he was truly happy.

His thoughts once again travelled down a road that was much too inappropriate for the situation in front of him; however, he couldn’t prevent the images that were being projected inside his mind. He couldn’t help the thoughts to take him deeper into a forbidden place, a place where he could taste inside Dean’s mouth, the feel of his tongue against his own tongue, probing deep-“Cas?” 

“Oh, Sorry.” He mumbled as he readjusted himself. His vessel's reactions were a puzzle to him; he didn’t know how the male humans put up with such inconveniences. The whole uncomfortable arousals had increased ever since he was briefly human. It had rarely happened often before that time, and the few times that it did; it wasn’t for his own thoughts. It was simply from external forces, stimulation or pornography, but not now; his thoughts apparently were connected to the vessel, his own wanton thoughts sent signals to his genitals, and he could feel every sensitive nerve in the region. 

“I wanted to talk to you about Christmas. Sam’s at school tomorrow. Could we maybe decorate the house while he’s out the house and surprise him when he comes back?” Dean asked in a hushed whisper in his ear. It caused a shiver to run down his spine and once again, his genitals reacted, twitching slightly. 

"Yes, of course, we can." He responded, barely above a whisper as he tried to control his voice, shifting from one foot to the other, hoping that Dean wouldn’t notice the hardening bulge in his trousers. He needed to get a handle on his body's reactions; sooner rather than later. It would turn everything awkward if Dean began to notice. 

Luckily, Dean smiled and turned back to watch the group playing twister, starting to laugh when Sam's limbs became tangled with Gabriel’s, falling to the ground and taking Gabriel with him. Jess whooped at her victory, and then turned to Sam, explaining that it was late, and she needed to get home before curfew. 

********************************* 

Gabriel and Sam left to take Jessica home, while Dean and Castiel cleaned up the kitchen from Dinner. He was so tired; he stifled a yawn, then rinsed the last plate and handed it to Castiel; He was quiet for most of the night. He thought about asking the other man if something was wrong, but he didn’t want to pry; he knew little about the other man and had garnered nothing from what he found around the house; there was nothing around that suggested he had even existed. He yawned again and glanced over at the clock on the wall, and groaned audibly; it was only 7:30 pm. Castiel looked up towards him, head tilted, eyes squinting as if trying to see through to his soul to find out what was wrong. 

“You’re tired. You should go and have an early night Dean.” Castiel placed the now dry plate in the cupboard and turned back to him. 

“Yeah… I need to have a shower first... and… “He swallowed, suddenly feeling awkward; he didn’t want to sleep on his own. He didn’t want to worry Sam by asking him. Cas, well, he seemed happy about staying the night before, so why was he having a hard time asking him? He glanced back at the man, and he was patiently waiting for him to answer, and he felt his cheeks heat, knowing they would be visibly turning scarlet red, and that thought made his cheeks burn hotter. God, why was he blushing all the time? 

“Dean, what is it?” Castiel seemed concerned with his hesitation, great, now he has him worried that something is wrong, the only problem he had, was that he was acting like a shy, blushing teenager. 

“Cas… I…. I don’t want to sleep on my own. I... Um... “He trailed off. He felt like a child. “ _I’m afraid of the scary monsters in my dreams,_ " yeah, that would surely impress him... Wait! Impress him? When had he wanted to impress him?   

 “  

"Dean?” 

 

Shit, he had to answer, but how? How could he tell him without sounding like a sissy? He hesitated, trying to find the best way to say it. 

"My nightmares... I… I just don’t want to be alone. Co-could you… like... Stay with me tonight? “Yep, that sounded like he was a sissy. He watched the other man’s face changed to surprise as his words sunk in. 

 

“Oh… Of course, Dean, if that makes you happy.”  

 

“Great, Thanks.” He responded shyly and looked down to the ground; his cheeks still flushed and burning hot, like they were scolding him. 

 

He turned and walked towards the stairs. “I’m going to go and take a shower and get ready for bed.” He said over his shoulder, keeping his face averted as he walked through the door and then up the stairs. Once in his bedroom, he closed the door quickly and pressed his forehead against the back of it. 

 

What the hell happened to him? Before, before he ended up in the hospital, he knew what he liked, he liked women, but now… all he could think about was those blue eyes, those plump pink lips, running his hands through messy raven hair. Did something go wrong in his brain? Was something damaged? The attraction wasn’t the end, though, no, he trusted the man and felt safe, and that wasn’t right. Not at all, he trusted no one except Sam, No one; until now.  

 

He let out a groan and turned towards the bathroom, pulling his shirt over his head as he made his way to the door, leaving it where it had dropped. He stepped into the large bathroom; he turned the taps on the shower and adjusted them until the water was at the right temperature. 

He unzipped his jeans and pulled them off, tossing them into the laundry hamper and stepped inside the water spray, relishing in the sensation the tingling of the heat caused across his skin. He washed quickly and rinsed off and stepped out of the shower, picking up the towel and drying himself and then stepped out into his room. He pulled on a pair of boxers and padded quietly over to the light switch, flipping it and casting the room into darkness. He made his way back to the bed in the dark, taking his time to feel his way around the edge of the bed. He slipped under the bed covers and relaxed back against the pillow, staring up at the ceiling, thinking. 

Thoughts of his mother tried to force through, and he pushed them hard aside. He didn’t want to have to think about that night, not tonight. It was a good day; for most of the afternoon and evening, he felt happy and didn't dwell on the past. He felt free of the guilt and sadness. 

He turned his thoughts to Christmas. He needed to buy Sam a present, and he wanted to get something for Castiel and Gabriel too; he didn’t know what they liked, he would have to ask them both. He had to call Vince and see when he could start work again, he heard the door open quietly and lifted his head slightly to look at the person standing at the door. He couldn’t make out who was standing there. 

“Sam?” 

“No, Dean it’s me... Um… did you still want me to stay with you?” Castiel whispered, sounding hesitant and unsure. 

“Hi, yes… If-if you want to… I-I’d like that very much Cas.” He felt suddenly shy. It felt intimate, laying in the bed in the dark, waiting for him to join him. 

He heard more than saw the shadow stepping closer until the other man stood on the other side of the bed; he was dressed in some track pants. He gingerly pulled the blankets aside and slid in, resting himself against the pillows. 

 

The room was silent for what felt like an eternity; only the steady breathing of the two of them pierced the silence engulfing them.  

“Cas?” 

“Yes, Dean?” 

“Tell me something about your life, you know so much about me, but I don’t know anything about you.” 

“Alright, What would you like to know?” 

“How old are you?” 

He had waited sometime before Castiel answered, “28.” 

“Do you have any other brothers… or sisters other than Gabriel.” 

“Yes, I have many,” Castiel replied without offering any more information. 

“How many are there?” he asked curiously. 

“10.” 

“10? What are their names?” 

 

  

“Well, I have six brothers and four sisters. There are 11 of us, Lucifer is my eldest brother, then Michael, Raphael, Gabriel, Balthazar and Uriel. My sisters are Hannah, Rachel, Naomi and Anna. 

   
 

“Are all the males in your family named after Angels?” 

   
 

“Yes, my whole family is named after Angels.” 

“I know your father passed away, but what about your mom?” He waited patiently for the answer to come; Castiel remained quiet for some time.  

   
 

 

“I don’t know my mother personally, and I don’t know anything about her.” 

 

“Oh, I'm sorry. Did you grow up around here?" 

 

“No, We moved here five years ago.” 

 

“Oh? Where did you live before then?” 

 

“Somewhere far away,” Castiel replied bitterly. 

   
 

He decided to change the topic, Castiel didn't seem happy to talk on the subject of his family.   
 

 

“Thank you for staying with me tonight Cas. Today has been the first day I have felt a lot better in a long time.” 

 

“Anytime Dean.” 

 

He stayed quiet, not knowing how to respond, but Castiel broke the silence and continued to talk. 

 

“I mean it Dean, if you need anything, just ask me. I am here to help make you better again. I won’t judge you, one way or another.” 

 

His throat felt tight as he tried to swallow, the man had helped more than he could possibly know, he wanted to tell him that, but he couldn’t. He opened and closed his mouth a few times before he gave up, and they remained silently staring at the ceiling until his eyes grew heavy, and he fell asleep. 

 

The next time he woke it was becoming light outside. He glanced around the room, trying to focus his eyes and using the heel of his hands to rub them. He felt the mattress move with a shift of weight, and he looked over to find Castiel laying awake, watching him. 

 

“Good morning, Dean.” 

 

He rolled over to face Castiel. His face was only a few inches away from his, and he felt a little nervous, “Morning Cas, Have you been awake long?"  

 “I wake every day before the land begins to lighten by the rising Sun. So yes, I’ve been awake about an hour. How did you sleep Dean, Did you have any nightmares?” 

He thought about the question for a moment and scanned his dreams, and he realised slowly; he didn't have any dreams; he slept so peacefully. It was the first time in seven years that he had not woken in a cold sweat, screaming his mom’s name. For once, he felt normal. He focused his attention back on the man in front of him, whose blue eyes appeared to be searching his own as if trying to read his soul. 

“No, No bad dreams. “ He responded, unable to keep the surprise and relief out of his tone. 

“That’s really good Dean, is that the first time that you’ve slept without nightmares?” 

“Yeah, I haven’t been able to sleep through the night since that night.” 

“If you ever need to talk about what is happening in your nightmares Dean, You can speak to me. Often when something is shared, it lightens the burden on the soul. I meant what I said last night, I won’t ever judge you, no matter what it is.” 

He felt his throat constrict again, and he stared at the man, whose eyes were penetrating into his, and he knew. He knew Castiel meant every word he said. 

He forced himself to look away, staring at the chandelier hanging down from the ceiling as the sunlight made its way through the crack in the curtains. It was much easier to respond while he couldn’t see him. The man beside him caused too many unnerving sensations to awaken in him when he stared at him in the way he was. 

“Thanks, You have been so kind. It's hard to believe sometimes that there are still people who care about others, especially when they don’t know anything about them. You, being here, has helped. I can’t tell you why because I don’t know. All I know is, is that I feel better when you’re around.” He swallowed hard and felt the blush creeping through his cheeks, and took a moment to steady his breathing and then turned back to face the other man. Whom he had noticed was looking down and away from him, visibly swallowing. It made him feel a little better knowing that whatever it was that was happening, was affecting him too. 

It seemed that their conversation was over, and after a few more minutes, he decided it was probably time to get up. He dragged himself out of the bed and went into the bathroom to relieve himself, then walked to the mirror and noticed that for the first time, he didn’t have darkened shadows beneath his eyes, they were now only a couple of shades darker than the rest of his skin. 

He turned on the taps and picked up the bar of soap, scrubbing hard at his face. He found his razor in the cupboard and began to shave the weeks’ worth of growth, although it was slightly more than stubble. He brushed his teeth and then rinsed away the shaving cream from his face and the toothpaste that had escaped his mouth. He dried himself and once he was done. He peered into the mirror at his reflection and was surprised at the younger image that peered back. Maybe this was one of his better decisions; he and Sam would be happy here, Gabriel seemed to have taken a liking to Sam, and Sam seemed to enjoy Gabriels’ company, the older man appears to be good for him, as a father figure. One, neither he nor his own father could be for him. 

He put down the towel and left the bathroom to find Castiel had already left the room. He pulled on a green sweater; one that he knew matched the colour of his eyes and a clean pair of jeans and boxers and made his way down to the kitchen to prepare Sam's breakfast and packed lunch for school. 

He was surprised to see that Gabriel was awake already, busy in the kitchen, the room smelt like fresh-baked bread and... What was that delicious smell? He sniffed the air again and strode quickly to the other side of the kitchen island counter. 

“Is that pie?” he asked. He couldn’t contain the glee in his tone as he took another sniff at the air. 

Gabriel turned around, beaming at him. “Yep. Apple Pie.” 

He stared at the pie In Gabriel's oven-gloved hands and began to salivate at the smell and the look of it. He heard a deep chuckle and turned around to find Castiel walking into the room, dressed in his usual black suit and a blue striped tie.  _“Did he wear anything other than suits?"_  He thought to himself. He would have to change that, he would take the man shopping or something. He would look good in jeans and a blue sweater, that would bring out his perfectly shaped blue eyes. He lost himself in the image of Castiel wearing body-hugging jeans for a few moments before he noticed that Sam had come in after Castiel. His hair flopped over most of his eyes, looking like he had been awake all night and had barely any sleep. 

"Good morning Sammy!” he beamed at his brother and ruffled his hair. 

“Ugh, morning,” Sam mumbled in reply, taking a stool at the end of the bar as Gabriel placed a bowl of what looked like Rabbit food in front of him, which could only be granola or something. Ugh, he didn’t know how they were related. Sam’s tastes were completely different to his, that can’t be normal... He mused to himself as he loudly dragged out the stool next to Sam. 

“You look better Dean. Happier than I’ve seen in a long time.” Sam smiled at him, looking far more awake than he should be in the 5 seconds of walking into the room and taking his seat.   

 

“I am.” He smiled again. He had noticed that Sam also seemed much happier than usual, although, Sam always appeared happy to the world around them, he knew when Sam was unhappy but hiding it behind the typical happy mask. 

“Well, you gotta get a move on so you’re not late to school.” 

“Yeah, Yeah, I know,” Sam mumbled around a spoon full of granola. 

He turned his attention to Castiel, who was standing quietly, leaning against the counter at the far end of the kitchen, his hands placed on the counter either side of his body, watching them. He felt the unnerving sensation creeping through his body again. He didn’t understand how the man could make him feel so strange without doing anything but stand there. 

He smiled over at him and was once again taken back from the one he received in response. He started to get up from his stool to join him at the far end, but Gabriel placed a mug of coffee in front of him and a slice of the pie. He glanced down at the pie that was still hot enough to steam slightly and at the coffee, and his stomach rumbled. He could wait to speak to Castiel, but his stomach couldn’t. He picked up the fork and dug into the pie, the first mouthful, made him moan out in pleasure. It tasted so good, as good as his moms did, he had never tasted anything better than his mom’s pie. No one could replicate it, until now. 

“Mmm, this pie is awesome. Would you mind sharing the recipe with me? It tastes just like my moms did." 

Gabriel turned to Castiel and lifted his eyebrow, there was obviously some silent communication and Castiel nodded slightly. 

“Sure thing, I 'll be happy to show you how to make it… if you like?” Gabriel said as he began to pull things out of the fridge, laying them out, and then bending down to take a wooden chopping board out of the cupboard beneath the counter. 

“That would be great, thank you.” He replied with a mouthful of the pie. 

The room stayed quiet, only the sound of Gabriel chopping carrots broke the silence. He watched as he expertly chopped all the ingredients to make a fresh winter salad, he moved on to spreading butter on two slices of bread, and laying lettuce, ham and tomato in the middle of the two pieces; He finished by cutting the sandwich in half diagonally. He pulled out several pieces of fruit and chopped them into a fruit salad and then placed the newly created dishes into Tupperware tubs for Sam to take to school with him.   

 

Gabriel was a really nice guy, and knowing he cared about Sam made him feel a bit lighter, although it made him feel guilty. It was his job to look out for Sam, but he knew, right now. He wasn't at his best to give him everything he needed. He would be, though, once he got better. He would be able to take good care of him. Sam wouldn’t want for anything. 

Sam stood up from the counter and thanked Gabriel for breakfast, moving his bowl and glass to the sink before making his way out of the kitchen door to go and get ready for school. 

“Sam, we have only a half hour, don’t take too long playing with your hair!” he shouted as Sam left through the door. 

“Yeah, okay, Dean, and I don’t’ play with my hair,” Sam grumbled in response. 

He chuckled and returned his attention to Gabriel, who had just finished cleaning up the counter of peelings and cast aside vegetable roots and tops. 

He tossed the cloth into the sink and turned to Dean and cocked an eyebrow, “So guys, what are our plans for today?”  

“Well... I thought… we could decorate the house for Christmas and surprise, Sam? If that’s okay with you and Cas?” 

“That sounds like an excellent plan!” Gabriel exclaimed, looking gleeful. He heard Castiel groan, and he turned finding him giving Gabriel a warning before speaking his thoughts on Gabriel's enthusiastic response. 

“Gabe, don’t go too overboard. We still need to live here.” 

 “What me? Overboard? Why would you say such a thing, little bro?” Gabriel showing mock offence to Castiel's accusation and then ruined it and wiggled his eyebrows at Castiel, He turned his honey brown eyes back to Dean.“So what did you have in mind?” 

“Well… I… We... Haven’t really had a real Christmas since my… my mom died, and I thought, maybe it 'd be good to have ones like the ones we had with Mom and Dad.” He felt the sadness trying to seep into every crevice of his being, and he pushed against the sudden feeling of regret and loss. He didn’t want to think about it today. He didn’t want to hear the voice that screamed from the back of his mind.   

Castiel appeared to have noticed his internal battle because he was suddenly standing beside him, squeezing his shoulder gently and offered him a small comforting smile. 

“We can do that, Dean. We can decorate this house any way you like. Although, I hear Sam coming, so maybe we should hold off on talking anymore about it. “ 

Sam strolled into the room, looking to Castiel, then to him. He raised his eyebrows raised in question to the sudden silence. 

“We were just talking about how we were going to cut your hair while you were sleeping.” He said teasingly. 

Sam rolled his eyes, pulling his bag off his shoulder and unzipping it as Gabriel walked forward, holding what looked like a banquet of food in his hand, and placing them into Sams bag. Sam zipped it up and flung it back over one shoulder. He thanked Gabriel and looked towards Dean expectantly. 

“So are we going? Jess is going to meet me out the front of the school.” 

“Alright, let’s go. “ He stood and knocked the last of the coffee back and plunged his hand into his pocket, pulling out the keys to his car and walked past Sam not waiting for him to catch up. This felt good to him, being able to take his brother to school. It was something normal, something he hadn’t done in a long time. 

“Bye Gabe… Cas… see you later.” Sam called out as he followed Dean out the door before either of them could reply. 

 

******************************* 

 

 

 

Gabriel and Castiel stood quietly, listening to the engine of the car start up and then disappear down the drive. 

“Well, Dean seemed less melancholy this morning. Did something happen last night? I noticed you stayed in his room again." He winked at Castiel. 

“No, Gabriel, nothing like that happened, and it is rather inappropriate for you to suggest it.” 

“Woah, I didn’t suggest that you had your wicked way with him. “ 

“Didn’t you, then what Gabriel, were you suggesting?” 

“Er… well... Maybe... I was... Just a bit. He's happy though so whatever you’re doing must be working.” 

“Maybe, I’m not sure it will last, though. Did you feel the change when he mentioned Mary?” 

“I did, but that’s to be expected. He’s still grieving. Time will heal that. I didn’t hear him screaming last night, did you put a pillow over his face to muffle the screams of his nightmare?” 

“He didn’t have any. He slept through the night.” 

“Well, that’s good news. It's a first. “ Gabriel responded cheerily. 

“We need to sort out some Christmas decorations before Dean comes back. “  

“No problemo.” Gabriel snapped his fingers, and the room was suddenly crowded with large boxes with tinsel, baubles, ornaments, Holly, ribbons, Lights and much more varieties of decorations. Some were extravagant, and Castiel frowned. 

“Gabe, where did you get all this stuff from? Some of it looks old.” He pointed to four boxes that were separated away from the new decorations. 

“Ah, they are the Winchester decorations. They were in the loft of their house. “ 

 

 

“Don’t you think Dean will ask how we have them?” 

“ I thought of that… I went around to their place to make sure everything was alright. I borrowed Dean’s key, while I was there I realised Christmas was coming up this month. So I looked in the loft to see if there were any Christmas decorations that they might want to use. I’m sure he will go for it. “ 

“And what if he doesn’t? What if he sees them, and it triggers a breakdown?” 

“Well, if he doesn’t want to use them, we can put them away, and if he has a breakdown, we’re here to help him. Look, he has to get used to being around things that remind him of his mom. I know John removed everything, which reminded him and the boys of her, but if he is to heal, he needs to face it. He needs to let it go and avoiding everything that reminds him of her is the same as running away, and we both know that things always have a way of catching up with you. Besides, from everything I have learned about humans, they cling to positive memories of those they lose, and, at the moment Dean is locking all the happy memories behind a wall and stewing on the sad ones. ” 

He let out a sigh. “Perhaps you’re right Gabe. Seeing him happy at last after the last 7 years, I guess I just don’t want him to retreat inwardly.” 

Gabriel groaned, "Cassie; Dean is getting there. Now it’s time that you started moving on and letting things go also. Dean isn’t the only one who has been moping around, feeling regret and blaming himself. If you could sleep, I would almost guarantee that you would have been waking from nightmares. Even now Dean is happy today; it's a good day and still; you're standing here with a long face. “ 

   
 

“Gabe, you know that there is a difference, Dean was a child. He didn’t understand what would happen. I am an Angel, who messed with time and changed events. I should have known better. I knew that altering time can have harmful effects, but I did it anyway. “ 

“No, you wanted something better for the boys. You wouldn’t have done it if you knew what would happen, would you?” 

“Of course not, but I still knew better.” 

Gabriel sighed, “ I think over the years. Dean has rubbed off on you, carrying more blame than needed. Come-on, let’s go and sort out the boy's clothes. Just think about what I’ve said Cas, Maybe you and Dean will be able to heal each other over time.” 

He slowly followed Gabriel up to the second floor, and suddenly remembered what he wanted to ask him earlier. 

“When you spoke to Mary, did you tell her about John, Dean and Sam?” 

“She wondered how they were, and I told her, that they all missed her, but they were fine. It wouldn’t be much of a heaven for her if she knew the truth.” 

“That is true, I’m glad you did. She doesn’t need to worry about her sons. “ 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

 

He heard the engine of Dean’s car pull into their long drive, So he and Gabriel made their way down the stairs. The boys now had enough clothes to take them throughout the winter and into the spring season. Gabriel had insisted that he should also have new clothes; he was meant to be acting like a human and should dress like a human, which meant changing his clothing daily. 

He couldn't deny that it would be more convenient to have his own clothes rather than borrowing Gabriel's, and so he had agreed, albeit reluctantly. 

He took the last step and stood, feet planted on the floor of the entrance hall, his insides begun to twist, and he wasn't entirely sure why. He felt unsure, should he stand here and wait for him? Or should he be somewhere else acting busy? Should he go into the kitchen? On the other hand, maybe he should pretend he was coming down the stairs. 

He was still undecided when he heard the front door start to open. He decided then; he didn't want to be standing there, doing nothing. So he moved quickly into the kitchen, taking the last four feet through the door with two long strides. 

He wiped his hands on his trousers. They felt clammy and then squatted down at the first box he stood in front of, and that is where he was when Dean came through to the kitchen, bent over a box, a blue and silver rope of tinsel in his hand. It was ridiculous; he knew that there was no reason to be nervous; they were just decorating the house. 

If he was honest with himself, it was those four boxes standing on the other side of the kitchen, those boxes that could change the course of the day, could change Dean’s mood instantly. 

He sensed that Dean was standing to the side of him, but he hadn't said a word just stood there. He looked up to see if anything was wrong. He stood looking stunned, his eyes skimming over all the boxes that were scattered around the large room, and then his eyes narrowed as they scanned the four boxes on the far side. Castiel swallowed and waited, feeling his palms becoming sweaty. 

"Um... Cas?”  

He swallowed the lump that had begun to rise in his throat and stood up straight, turned to Dean, “Yes Dean?” he answered quietly. He watched Dean’s expression, trying to find any sign that the sight of the boxes was causing him sadness, but he couldn't tell. 

“Are those boxes from my house?” He asked curiously, stepping slowly towards the boxes. 

“Um… Ye-Yes. Gabriel... went over to your house to make sure it was alright. He borrowed your key and…... And he looked in the loft to see if you had any decorations of your own. He thought that you might like to use them. Is that alright? “ 

Dean didn’t respond. He started forward, towards the boxes, and when he reached them, he lowered himself to the ground and sat crossed legged, pulling the first box towards him and begun to move things around, looking for something inside the box; he seemed dissatisfied and pushed the box away and pulled another towards him. 

He decided that it was best to give Dean space he probably needed. So he stayed where he had been when Dean walked in and just watched, holding his breath, unsure if this it will cause a relapse. Gabriel made himself scarce. Probably hiding somewhere in the house while Dean discovered the boxes, and giving him some time to work through his feelings. 

Dean pushed it aside and pulled the third one towards him, digging deep inside of it until he pulled out the object he was looking for. 

He held the small object in his hand, turning it around and fiddling with something on it before he spoke quietly. 

“Mom always said we had Angels watching over us. She gave both Sam and me an ornament for the tree, and she had them made. This is mine.” He held it up a bit and glanced back at Castiel, so he took the cue and stepped closer to sit next to him. 

 

Dean handed the ornament to him. He looked down at the Angel in his hands. It was a traditionally made angel with a silver halo, but in its hands, it had a light-weight bronze plaque with words inscribed on it. 

 _“Dean, Our sweet little boy, God sent this Guardian Angel to remind you; Angels bring love. This special Angel is yours and yours alone and is sent from the heart. We love you; never forget that wherever you are, wherever you go, Angels are watching over you. ”_  

He took another large swallow, Did Gabriel know that this was in the box? He didn't know what to say, he handed it back to Dean and uttered the only words he could. 

“It’s Beautiful.” He looked over to Dean and noticed tears were welling up in the corner of Dean’s eyes, but the man swallowed hard and shook his head, using the heel of his palm to remove the threatening to fall tears. 

“Dean, we don’t have to use these if you don’t want to. “ He spoke quietly, not knowing what he should say or do. 

“No, No… I-I want to use them. Mom gave me this when I was six, and Sam was two. Every year, after school, I came home to our house decorated and the tree in the corner, Mom would repeat the message written on them to each of us before she handed them to us, and then we would hang them on the tree. We did it every year for six years, but when… after the accident, Dad put everything away, and I haven't seen since, until today. I want to do it again… In Memory of Mom.” Tears streamed down Dean’s cheeks, and he pulled the younger man closer to him, rubbing his back, hoping it would give him some comfort. 

This is something he had expected, although it was different, this was the starting of the healing process, and he knew that before Dean could overcome his grief, he had to do this. Gabriel already knew this. He finally understood why Gabriel had taken the boxes and brought them back to the house. He understood why Gabriel wasn’t in sight. Dean needed to remember the good things. He needed to learn to hold on to them and cherish them. 

“Alright, then do you feel up to starting? I can give you some time, if you like to look through your boxes, I need to find Gabe and let him know that you’re back, Or I can stay with you, and we can find him in a while?” 

“Stay with me… I… I would like you to stay with me.” 

He nodded and sat quietly, allowing Dean to tell him stories of some of the items and then the origin of others, why they were so special, and some funny stories of how Sam had broken one or two of the ornaments. 

He noticed the small toy car, the Impala he had left under the tree was there, it had cotton wrapped around it, and a loop was formed. Dean placed his finger through the loop and allowed it to dangle and explained how he believed Santa had left it for him under the tree. How he had wanted to make it into an ornament when he was eleven years old, so he had wrapped cotton around it, and then for two years had hung it on the tree, and his mom tried to convince him that maybe it was better placed in his Toy chest and not on the tree.  

Of course, Castiel knew all the stories. He had watched them play out with his own eyes, but as he watched Dean recount the events, he saw warmth lighten his face; the memories brought back better times, and Dean had lost himself in those times, smiling and laughing. 

Almost 2 hours later, Gabriel stepped into the room and joined them both and handed Dean a coffee and a sandwich, then turned towards him, holding another plate of sandwiches for him to take. He knew it was all for the appearances, but he didn’t look forward to these moments where he had to eat and taste every individual molecule in it, Gabriel didn't seem to have the same problem, he enjoyed the sweeter things. He had tried one of the lollipops that Gabe loved so much, but he didn't find them any different to any other food source. Gabe had explained that it was only because he was focusing on the individual molecules, that made it all taste like nothing but the base compounds. It really was disgusting. 

Regardless to that, though, he ate like a human not to arouse suspicion from Sam and Dean, it was certainly not a highlight, but today, watching Dean breaking down a barrier; it was less unbearable. He, Gabriel and Dean chatted about various traditions of Christmas and the traditions of pagans; Gabriel made Dean laugh about some deity or another, taking the lingering sadness out of the air. 

Once they finished their lunch, they got to work with placing ceiling decorations around most of the lower floor, both he and Gabriel cheated when the coast was clear, it was a large house and decorating it as elaborately as Dean wanted, it would have taken weeks without a little Angelic manipulation. Dean and Gabriel had joined forces to become a two-man choir, singing every possible Christmas song known to man, at least it seemed like they had.   

 

The three men dragged the large evergreen tree in from outside the back garden and covered it so that almost every branch had an ornament of some kind hanging from It; except for two branches that would later hold the weight of the two small Angels their mother had given to them. 

By the time Dean was leaving to pick Sam up from school, the house was covered from ceiling to the floor with various Christmas decorations, including many seasonal rugs. Gabriel spoke of hiring a snow machine and covering inside the whole house in the fake snow, to make a personal winter wonderland for just the 4 of them. Which he had to be the voice of reason, explaining to both the two men that it was not a good idea. They eventually relented and agreed to get some spray on snow and place some on a few of the front windows. 

As Dean opened the door to leave to pick Sam up from school, he turned back to look at both Castiel and Gabriel. 

“Thank you both so much, I’ve enjoyed today, and this looks awesome, Man... I can’t wait to see Sam’s reaction.” He grinned widely, taking the sight of all the decorations in until his eyes rested on Castiel. Dean stared at him for a long moment before nodding and turning around and walking through the door. 

He couldn't deny that he agreed with Dean. It was a truly an enjoyable day, and it felt good hearing Dean's laugh and sing. He hadn't noticed how much he missed his off-key singing, until today. 

 

 

****************** 

 

Dean jumped in his car, jingle bell rock circling through his mind, drowning all other noise. He tapped the rhythm of the beat on his steering wheel and bobbed his head, singing out loud every so often. 

He was feeling elated. It had been a really rough start, seeing all his mom's decorations had shocked him, and it threatened to take him under, take him down into his own personal hell. Where the voice tortured him mercilessly, but that subsided as he began to think about the fun they had during his childhood. 

He could smell the turkey roasting over a half a decade later, the smell of Christmas in the air. His mom’s soft-spoken words and she laughed while his father chased her with the turkey baster, and then when he finally had caught up with her, he wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her off the floor as he turned her around. 

 

The memories felt recent, and they hugged him like a warm blanket. It had not been easy for him before to remember his mom, every time he had done so before caused a sharp pain, like someone, had stabbed him in the chest. Not today, and he knew why. 

Castiel was so supportive, giving his strength to him, comforting him. He took the sharp, painful edges away from the memories; he made them inviting. He listened. He laughed. He sympathised, and he made him feel good, really good. 

He and Gabriel had made him laugh until his ribs, and stomach ached, and tears stream down his cheeks. Castiel was the best thing that had happened to him in 7 years and… and… Jesus, what did Castiel mean to him? He felt the heat swell throughout his body, every time he thought of him. What the hell did that mean? Castiel made him feel whole when he was around him, made him feel like a good person. 

He wanted something more from him. The hugs weren't’ enough; he wanted to climb into his lap and lose himself in his arms. He wanted to feel his lips against his… he wanted... He groaned and scraped his teeth against his lower lip. He pushed the thoughts aside as he saw the school building, in the distance, Something was special about Castiel; he made him feel things he hadn't felt in a long time.   

 

He pulled up to the school and found Sam standing with Jess; Sam hugged her and kissed her cheek, then blushed. He threw his bag over his shoulder and walked over to the car and jumped in. 

“Hey, Sammy! Did you have a good day?” 

“Hey, yeah, it was all right, what’s up with you? You seem different.” 

“Yeah? Well, I’m fine. So are we ready to go home?” 

Sam glanced over at him suspiciously, brows creasing slightly before looking back at the road.“Yeah. So, What did you do today? 

“Um… Cas and I watched movies all day, man; he knows all the movies, but he doesn’t even have a single favourite one. It’s kind of weird.” 

He glanced over to Sam, hoping he bought into the lie; Sam rolled his eyes and looked towards him. 

“You like him.”Sam made it a statement,

 “Like who?” 

“Cas.” 

“Yeah, Of course, I like him, are you saying you don’t?” 

“No, I mean you like, like him, I can tell, Gabriel knows too; The way you keep looking over at him, and the way he watches you all the time. There is static between you and him. I swear I can almost feel my hair standing up when I’m close to one of you.” 

“Shut up.” He grumbled and stared through the front window. 

Was it that obvious? Sam's words weren't lost on him; Castiel might like him too. He began to grin, unable to suppress it. The car was too quiet, so he turned the stereo on, which caused a shocked stare from Sam. 

“What?” 

“You never turn that on. You almost bite my hand off, if I so much as think of turning the radio on. You really are feeling better." Sam smiled and looked out the window again.

He thought about it for a moment before responding. “Yeah, I feel good.”

Sam grinned and nodded and looked back out the front of the window. 

“I’m really glad Dean.” 

He brought the car to a stop in front of the house, and he couldn't hide his smile; he couldn't wait to see Sam’s expression when he first walked through the door. He picked up Sam’s bag and told him to go ahead of him because he needed to get something out of his trunk. He fiddled around with the car Jack while he watched Sam make his way to the door, as he reached it, he closed the trunk and walked slowly to join him and then waited for him to open it and step inside. 

He could hear his gasp as he looked at the surroundings, then up at the ceiling. Sam turned back to look at Dean, his mouth open, eyes wide and then a slow smile began to spread across his face. 

“Did you, Gabe and Cas do this?” 

He couldn’t help roll his eyes... “Nope, the fairies did it while we were watching the movies.” He retorted playfully. 

Sam returned the gesture and rolled his eyes. 

“I mean, Gabe and Cas didn’t hire someone to do it?” 

“Nope, we did it all. What do you think?” He waited for Sam to look around the rest of the ground floor, following through each room. He watched as Sam’s smile widened a little more with each room he passed through. The three of them even made the Movie theatre festive. 

“It looks really awesome, like really, really awesome.” 

“I’m glad you like it. “ He smiled, but now they had one more thing to do. 

 

“Sam, remember when we were kids, Mom gave us an Angel to hang each year?” 

 

“Yeah… Do you have them?”Sam sounded hopeful, as he waited for Dean to answer. 

 

“Yeah, they are under the tree. I thought, maybe we could hang the angels. Do you want to?” he began to feel a bit nervous about it. His stomach swirled; it seemed like a good idea earlier, when he and Castiel were sitting there, looking through the boxes, but now… he didn’t know if he could. 

 

Then a strong hand squeezed his shoulder, and he turned to his right to find Castiel standing beside him, smiling encouragingly. Gabriel stood to the left between him and Sam. Maybe he could do it, it would be okay. 

 

Sam looked towards both Castiel and Gabriel and then nodded enthusiastically. 

 

“For Mom.” Is the only word he said before he rushed out the room and headed back to the entrance to retrieve the Angels from under the tree. 

 

He took a deep breath and followed after Sam, he reached the tree and Sam handed him his own Angel to Dean and then proceeded to read out loud the words of Deans. 

 

“Dean, Our sweet little boy, God sent this Guardian Angel to remind you. Angels bring love. This special Angel is yours and yours alone and is sent from the heart. We love you; never forget that wherever you are, wherever you go, Angels are watching over you. ” 

 

And then handed the Angel to him, he raised Sam's Angel and read the words 

 

 _“_ Samuel, Our sweet, loving child; God sent this Guardian Angel to remind you. Angels bring strength and wisdom. This Special Angel is yours and yours alone and is sent from the heart. We love you; Never forget that wherever you are, wherever you go, Angels are watching over you." 

 

Dean felt the tears prickle in the corner of his eyes, as he handed the Angel to Sam, they both stood silent for a moment, looking at each other before Dean gave a nod, then they placed their Angels on the bare branches. 

 

They both stood back and stared at their Angels while Castiel and Gabriel stood off to the side. They stood in silence for more than 10 minutes, in their own memories of their Mom. 

 

Dean turned first to look at Castiel and smiled. “Thank you Cas, I didn’t know if I could have done it if you weren’t here.” 

 

“So, who wants Pizza for dinner and then watch a movie?” Gabriel asked cheerily, looking from Sam to Dean. 

 

“I think I might pass Gabe. I'm feeling pretty tired, although I wouldn’t say no to pizza… As long as it’s not vegetarian.” He responded with the best attempt of cheer he could muster. 

 

It wasn’t lost on Sam. He glanced over at Dean looking concerned. Dean just shrugged and smiled the best he could. He felt tired. The day was a roller-coaster ride; emotionally, and needed some time to decompress. 

 

While Gabriel ordered the pizza, the boys walked around the house, Dean and Castiel showed Sam many masterpieces they had made by combining the tinsel and baubles together. 

 

When Gabriel joined them again, he informed them that they had new clothes, then shook off their protests of not having to do it. 

 

“We wanted to do it.” Is the only thing he had said before he changed the subject, trying to gain Sam’s vote on the winter wonderland idea. 

 

Dean noticed Castiel walking up the stairs and excused himself to follow up behind him. He wanted to ask him about Gabriel’s present. When Dean got to the top of the stairs, Castiel had already entered his room and shut the door. He wasn’t sure if he should bother him or not. He stood debating whether he should go to his own room or knock on the man's door, he was tor, he wanted to talk to him, but he didn’t want to bother him. 

 

After what felt like a long time, he made the decision to speak to him, so he made his way down the hallway to Castiel’s bedroom and knocked once, the door was open slightly so he pushed the door wider. 

 

He saw Castiel standing in front of several outfits on the bed, looking mildly irritated. He stepped closer and looked at the outfits he had laid out and then spoke. 

 

“Do you have a blue sweater?” he asked quietly, looking over the items on the bed.   

Castiel nodded and walked over to the drawers and pulled out 3 different shades of blue and carried them carefully back to the bed and laid them beside the other articles of clothing. 

Dean picked up the lightest shade and held it against Castiel's chest, and then replaced it on the bed. He lifted the darkest of the three and did the same. It was a darker shade of blue, not quite navy and brought out his eyes nicely. He laid the sweater over the top of the jeans and stood back to look at his work of art. Castiel looked at the outfit and then sighed. 

“I don’t know. My brother insists that I wear more than the suit, but I like the suit. It’s easy; I know what I should wear with it. All these… they are just distractions.” 

“I agree, definitely a distraction.” He said, voice sounding a bit breathless as he imagined Castiel wearing the ass-hugging jeans. 

Cas glanced over to him, seeming confused. He replayed what he said over in his mind and blushed. Shit, he didn't mean to say it out loud like that. 

“I mean, it’s distraction picking clothes that match every day.” He corrected, still blushing. 

The other man nodded and turned back to the clothes. 

“So you think I will look okay in these?” 

“Yeah, they would look hot- nice on you. Show up the colour of your eyes.” He felt his cheeks begin to burn and mentally chastised himself to remember to filter his words before he spoke them out loud. 

“Hmmm,” Castiel replied distractedly as he started to unbutton his shirt.  

 

Dean stood transfixed, watching the other man's hands working slowly to undo each button, and his mouth felt dry; he licked his bottom lip as he followed Castiel’s hands as they glided lower to unzip his trousers. It suddenly felt too hot in the room, and the blood rushed south. He felt his erection hardening fast, and he had to get out of there. 

He turned abruptly and left the room, then stepped into his own room, closing the door behind him. He paced the floor of his room, trying to calm his breathing and blank his mind of the different hot and sweaty scenes that were playing out in his mind. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to think of something else, but it didn’t help. Something snapped in that room. Something roared to life, and now it was too hard to shake it off. 

It will be okay, he told himself. He just needed 10 minutes to get it out of his system; it had been far too long since he had been with anyone, it had been even longer since he spent any time with himself, Maybe that was the problem. He felt happier; his body and mind were perhaps hormonally craving sexual release.   

***********************

He watched Dean leave his room without saying anything. He frowned at the door, growing concerned. He hurriedly pulled his jeans on and left his shirt hanging open. He would get his sweater after, something was wrong, and he needed to make sure Dean was okay. 

He knocked on his door and waited, counting 15 seconds before he knocked again. There was no answer, so he cautiously opened the door. He poked his head around and found Dean pacing the room. 

“Dean? Are you alright?” he asked gently, coming to stand close to him. He couldn’t sense any sadness, but there was something wrong, and he needed to know what it was. 

He hesitantly placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder to stop him and gain his attention. Dean turned towards him, his eyes skimming across his exposed chest. He felt a shiver run down his spine, and he swallowed hard. Dean’s eyes were glazed, but he didn't understand what was wrong, and Dean didn't respond, just stared at him. 

“Cas.” Dean breathed out in barely a whisper... 

Was Dean in pain? He hadn't seen him like this, looking torn and tortured since he pulled him out of hell. 

“What’s wrong Dean, please tell me, maybe I can help, what do you need Dean?” 

He heard a growl and the younger man lurched forward, pushing him against the wall. “Dean I don’t understand-“ His words were cut off by Dean’s mouth, as they crashed down to cover his own. He couldn't do anything; shock rocked through him as he stood frozen. His mind tried to catch up with what was happening. 

Dean pulled back, looking into his eyes, questions seemed to be forming, and he was searching. Castiel tried to say something, but couldn't find the words, instead, he just stared wide-eyed and tried to swallow as Dean’s hands still held him against the wall. 

Dean stepped away, looking horrified, and turned abruptly, storming out of the room, leaving him standing stunned against the wall, piecing together what had happened. 

Then he realised what had happened, and now, Dean thought he had rejected him. He pushed away from the wall, he needed to explain to Dean that it wasn’t what he thought and rushed out the door. 

“Dean, wait!” 

The younger man kept walking, almost running down the stairs, and he followed after him. 

“Dean!” 

He could see Dean swinging the front door open. He ran to the door, watching his retreating back, “Dean, wait!” 

Dean stopped as he reached the driver's side of his car and stared at him, anger evident in his eyes. He stood staring at Dean; waiting, hoping he would come back into the house, but he looked away and opened the door, wasting no time getting inside, and started the engine then planted his foot and tore down the driveway, missing the pizza delivery van by inches. He stared at the bottom of the driveway, hoping Dean would turn around and come back, even though he knew that was unlikely. He didn’t know what to do, should he leave him to calm down, or chase after him? If it were old Dean, he would leave him to cool his head, but old Dean never tried to take his own life. 

The pizza delivery van pulled up in front of him, and he called into the house for Gabriel, while he still stood, worrying, looking down the driveway. 

Gabriel paid the man and stood with 3 pizza boxes in his hands, looking at him with his brow raised in question.   

 “Dean took off. I don’t know if I should go after him or not.” 

“Hold on, I will take these into the kitchen, and you can then tell me what happened.” 

He nodded and followed Gabriel into the house, but waited in the entrance hall, not wanting Sam to overhear them. 

Gabriel came back out of the kitchen and came to stand in front of him. 

“Okay, so what happened?” 

“Dean kissed me, but it happened so fast, and I was too stunned to reciprocate, so he ran from the house. Gabe, what do I do? Do I go after him or should I wait?” 

“Well, we can keep track of him through our grace, so, for now, we should hold back and let him calm down. If he’s not here by... Let’s say six hours; which will make it 1 am, then we go and get him.” 

He let out a sigh and nodded. It was going to be a very, very long six hours, he had to explain it all to him, he didn't want him to feel rejected. 

He followed Gabriel back into the kitchen, buttoning his shirt as he followed through behind him. Sam had started eating the pizzas, and they sat down and picked up a slice each. He would have to save some for Dean. He had not eaten anything since lunch. 

“Where’s Dean?” Sam asked, looking past them to see if Dean was coming through the door. 

“He’s… um.… He’s gone out to get some fresh air. I will take him some pizza later. It's been a long day for him.” He said a little less confident than he had wanted, Although it must have sounded fine because Sam nodded and returned his attention back to the pizza in his hand and talking to Gabriel. 

He took a bite of the pizza, and stared off into the distance, using his grace to keep track of Dean, following his route across town. He appeared to be just driving at the moment, and that made him feel a little better. It wasn't safe for him to be walking the streets, especially now that he knew demons could still be looking for him, to convince him to sell his soul. 

 

************* 

 

How could he have been so stupid? He slammed his hand against the steering wheel, his foot only slightly easing off the accelerator as he weaved through the quiet streets. He thought Cas liked him, liked him, the same way as he did. The look he gave him, he scared him. He had cornered him, held him by the arms against the wall, not allowing him to move. 

He hit the steering wheel again, harder than before. He felt angry, ashamed, embarrassed. 

He was mad at himself for thinking that there was something between them, angry because he listened to other people's opinions, embarrassed at his lack of control over his needs. He eased off the pedal a little more as he approached an intersection, he had no idea where he was heading. 

He slowed down and stopped at the intersection, not sure which way he wanted to go. He looked back and forth and noticed the familiar neon lights of a bar he used to go to. So he indicated right and pulled into a parking lot. He needed to forget for a while, and he knew the perfect way to make that happen.    


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, i'm on a roll 3 chapters in less than a week... kind of surprised with that!
> 
> see notes at the end, if anything makes no sense... it's explained there :P

He slid the empty glass forward and waved to gain the barman’s attention. He was on to his fourth whisky and still didn't feel drunk enough to pick up his mood or forget, but the feel of the amber liquid hitting the back of his throat with the old familiar burn felt good, almost like he finally came home. 

The bar had changed owners since he was last there, they had sold up and gone out and set up a roadhouse somewhere in the middle of nowhere. He looked around at the faces, and there were no familiar ones in the crowd, and he sighed. He didn't like change, not when he wanted to fall back into easier times, times where there weren't deep-blue eyes floating just on the edge of his mind all the time. 

The bartender walked over and refilled his glass with not even as much as a smile as he walked across the other side of the bar, which was perfect; he didn't want to chat. He wanted to fall into the sweet lull of the mind-numbing blurred state of consciousness. 

Although the music grated on him, who liked Monica? Sure, she was sexy, hot… but Angel of Mine? It made him think of Blue eyes, made him think of trench coats and rain after a hot summer. What happened to the good music? The place went all pop and boy bands. 

He stared at his glass, looking down into the amber liquid. Why the hell did he have to go there and attack Cas? Why did he have to ruin something good for both, he and Sam? Because there was no way he could stay there now. He practically assaulted the man in his own home. 

Seriously, they need to change the music. He raised his hand to catch the bartender’s attention, who finally walked down to him. 

“What can I get ya?’ the bored voice drawled out. 

  “Any chance of changing the tunes in this place? It’s killing me, man. Haven’t you got anything better? Led Zeppelin, Just anything that isn't this?” 

“If you want to change the music, the jukebox is over there.” The bartender smirked and pointed to a group of young ladies who had gathered around the jukebox. 

He groaned and turned back to the bartender. 

“Oh come on… … Really? I think I’m going to need another." He let out a huff and knocked back the whole contents of the glass, feeling the fire burning down his throat. The bartender grinned. 

“Tell me about it, I've had to listen to Amazed now 16 times since my shift started tonight, and it only started three hours ago.” He chuckled and smiled, filled his glass and then turned walking up the bar, to take an order of drinks. 

He rolled his eyes and knocked back the liquid, finally feeling the edges of his mind blurred. He checked the time, and it was only 9:30. He didn't want to be exposed to any more of the noise pollution that was invading his hearing, but he didn't want to go to Cas’s house. 

He pulled out his keys. He could go back to his house and continue drinking there, at least he could listen to something decent. He placed the money on to the bar as the bartender walked over and gave a nod, and he left the bar. He couldn't’ drive home; his vision was doubling as he stepped out into the night air, so he decided to walk the 2 miles back to his house. He needed time to think anyway. 

It took him just over 45 minutes to reach his front door and took another 10 minutes of trying to push the key into the hole and unlocking his door before he stepped foot inside. The place smelt stale, and he wrinkled his nose. 

He staggered through to the kitchen and opened the cupboard under the sink; thumping the side panel a few times before it loosened, then pulled it aside. He found the bottle of Jack Daniels was still there where he had left it, giving thanks to no one in particular, that his father hadn't found it. He pulled a glass from the cupboard, taking both the bottle and glass to the front room where he fell back against the old rundown sofa. 

He leant his head back for a moment and just enjoyed the quiet, no more boy bands or sappy tasteless music. The only sound was the ticking of the clock. He looked down at the bottle in his hand, taking a moment to focus and began to pour himself a glass and immediately knocked it back. 

It felt good, to feel numb. He could almost forget everything, except the shocked, wide blue eyes staring at him in his mind. That just wouldn’t do.   

He spent another minute focusing on just pouring the liquid into his glass and held it in his hand. 

Why was everything so complicated? He knocked back the liquid and struggled to stand, swaying a little. He needed something to eat. He staggered into the kitchen and peered inside the fridge to find it had been stocked. His father must have come home, so much for caring about him or Sam and sticking around. 

He pulled out some pieces of bread and slices of cheese. He unceremoniously slapped the cheese between the bread, not bothering with spreading any butter on it, taking a large bite of it and walked back to the couch, and stood frozen mid-step in the room. 

A figure stood in the far corner. He couldn't make out the features of the person. They stood silently, motionless. 

He slowly chewed and swallowed the food that seemed to stick to the roof of his mouth, and he lifted the bottle to his lips and took a large gulp to wash down the rest of it. His eye's staying fixed on the figure. 

“ I swear, if you don’t show who you are in five seconds, I’m going to fling this bottle at your head and put your sorry ass on the ground.” He wasn’t sure he would be able to fulfil his threat, but he would give it a good try. 

The figure slowly stepped forward out of the dark; allowing the moonlight that shone through the curtains to rest on his face. 

“Cas?” He tried to focus his eyes, swaying slightly, finding Castiel standing quietly, watching him. Castiel looked nothing like the man he remembered leaving, standing pinned against the wall. He was confident and… he couldn’t put a word to it, but whatever it was. He felt the reaction south of his waist, and he looked down and growled. 

“Traitor.” He muttered to his already hardening erection. 

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel answered in an even tone. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” he blurted out the question, his mind not quite understanding how the other man got into the house, narrowing his eyes to keep the other man in focus. 

“I've come here for you, Dean,” Cas responded calmly. 

“Me? Why? So I can assault you again?” his voice sounded a little higher pitch than he expected, but the man was an idiot if he put himself in that position, again. 

“Dean. You didn't assault me.” His voice softened slightly. 

“Yes, I did!” he staggered a little as he walked further into the room, closing the gap between them. 

“ I pushed you against the wall and restrained you. That’s assault!” he gritted his teeth, fighting against the urge to pull the man in and kiss him. 

“Dean. I could have moved out of your grip if I wanted. You didn't do anything that-“ 

“The look on your face! I scared the shit out of you Cas, Don’t tell me I didn't! You looked downright frightened. It's seared into my mind!” He felt angry and disgusted at himself and Cas stood there, all confident, unflinching and... God Damn it he was hot! He moved to the other side of the room, not trusting himself any longer to keep his hands to himself. 

“Dean. You need to listen to me.” 

“No! You’re just too kind! You’re going to lie to make me feel better! I don’t want your pity or kindness! I don’t deserve it! I deserve none of it! “ 

“Yes Dean, You deserve all of it. You deserve more. “ 

“What the hell? You don’t know me. You don’t know what I’ve done. Hell, you should be running from me. You should be bolting your door. I’m a terrible person Cas! I ruin lives, haven’t you worked that out yet?” 

“That’s not true Dean.” 

 

“To hell, it’s not!” he threw the bottle against the wall. The sound of the glass smashing pierced the air. 

Castiel didn't flinch. He instead took four steps forward. He now stood only an arm's length from him, and he tried to back up away from the man; even so, he was already against the wall. The other man calmly watched him, his expression was unreadable. 

“Stay back Cas, I…. You… Just stay back.” He felt a lump rise in his throat, his mind scrambled; he couldn’t think straight. The room spun slightly, and he tried hard to keep his eyes focused on the blue eyes in front of him. 

“What will you do Dean, If I don’t?” Cas asked with an edge of a dare in his tone, his head tilted eyes squinting slightly. God, the man, was killing him. He felt the uncomfortable pressure of his erection, pushing against his jeans, throbbing. 

His voice wasn't helping. It just made the heat coil tighter in his stomach. He couldn't answer him. He could only press himself against the wall, willing himself not to walk up to the man and kiss him or press him down into the sofa behind him. 

“Dean… I asked you a question, What will you do?”Castiel moved forward until he could feel his breath on his face. His eyes sparkled against the dark of the room. He felt breathless; his body ignited.

Castiel stepped forward again, closing the distance between them completely, and rested his hand against the wall next to his head. He looked deep into the blue eyes, powerless to move and incapable of speaking. His heart quickened, and his cock throbbed from the pressure of it being restrained. 

The man’s mouth was so close, that if he just leant forward that tiny bit, their lips would touch. He stared down at Castiel's mouth, and licked his own, wanting nothing more than to find out what those lips would feel like if he ran his tongue over them. 

“Do you want me to kiss you, Dean?” his head tilted, his eyes following movements of Dean's tongue, God this was torture, the words finally pierced through the haze, and he looked at the man in front of him; surprised. He couldn't speak, so he nodded hesitantly. 

Castiel didn't wait any longer than a millisecond before he leant forward, pressing their lips together, and he felt a jolt run down his spine as Castiel’s tongue gently flicked across his lower lip, and then it was all wet, hot and tongues as he invited him in. 

Castiel pressed his body against him, and he groaned as he felt the hard muscle of the other man’s erection against him, and reached up to run his hands through the raven hair, tugging slightly, needing something more. The man’s hand travelled down to his waist, and he moaned into his mouth when he felt light fingers skim across his stomach and then down to the button of his jeans. 

He pulled back and gasped for air, and began dragging in shaky inhales of breaths as he stared into Castiel’s lust blown, smouldering eyes, that were staring intently at him as his hand skillfully unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans. 

His alcohol blurred, aroused hazed mind, couldn't do anything but gasp and push his hips forward, searching for the release of the pressure that was becoming unbearable. 

“Dean.” The man whispered breathlessly in his ear as his thumbs slid beneath the waistband of his jeans and boxers. 

“Would you like me to take care of you?” his whispered gravelly voice sent shivers through him, and he gasped out a "yes," then pulled Castiel's mouth back to his. 

He moaned softly as he felt the jeans fall to his ankles, and the restraining pressure was released. A soft moan escaped his throat as Castiel’s hand, gingerly stroked across the length of his cock, causing his legs to shake slightly. 

 His mind was filled with nothing but the heightened senses, tongues, lips, hand running up the length of him, the weight of his body pressing against him, feeling the other man’s arousal against his thigh. He was lost to them, lost in the touch of the man who expertly stroked and teased his erection. He needed more, but he didn't know what he needed, he couldn't think, couldn't articulate the words to describe what he needed. His hips thrusting forward, seeking more. 

He gasped as the pad of the thumb slid over the head of his erection, smearing the drops of pre-cum across the head, and then whimpered into Castiel’s mouth when it wasn't enough. He moaned softly as the man’s fingers wrapped and gripped firmly around his cock, and started leisurely gliding up and down the length of his shaft, adding a slight twist of his wrist. 

He pulled away from the man’s mouth, taking long shuddering breaths in and out, finding the crook of Castiel's neck, licking a stripe down it before nipping lightly at the skin. Castiel groaned and pulled back, drawing Dean's attention to his eyes, as he stared at him, as his hand continued at a leisurely pace as, he begun to speak, his voice was commanding. 

 

“Dean, you did not assault me. I didn't understand what was happening. If I had realised, you would have been on the bed. Spread beneath me.” His voice was gravelly, and Dean moaned at the images that began to play out in his mind, causing him to buck his hips into the man's hand. The heat coiled tight, and his legs felt shaky as the hand continued its firm but languished strokes up and down the length of him. Castiel brought his mouth close to his ear again. 

 “Don’t ever think you scared me. I have wanted to kiss you since we first met, but I felt it was inappropriate for me to act on it.” 

 White-hot pleasure ran through his body, threatening to explode. He let out a strangled moan as the heat coiled even tighter, throwing his head back, eyes closed. 

 “Don’t ever think you don’t deserve good things, Dean, because you do, you’re special, and while you allow me, I will never let you fall… “ 

 Castiel slowly built up the pace. Thumb stroking the sensitive head of his erection, the familiar tingle of the impending orgasm begun as Cas whispered again, more strained than before. “I want you to come for me. Let go, Dean.” 

Castiel's voice turned husky and commanding, and he couldn't think straight; that voice that deep sexy voice so close to his ear causing the familiar tingle travelled up the length of his shaft. The pressure building as he kept his eyes squeezed closed, and gasping for air as Castiel quickened the pace. The pressure increased and then suddenly he was bursting out the release as the intense tingling pleasure rocked through his whole body and lights flashed through his mind as hot, white fluid covered Castiel’s hand and trousers. He slumped against the wall, feeling exhausted, his legs feeling like he ran a marathon. 

 

Castiel lightly kissed him helped to steady himself, and using one hand, pulled his jeans over his waist, continuing to kiss him gently while he re-buttoned them, then stepped back slightly to look at him. 

 

“Dean, You are a good person. You need to stop being so hard on yourself.” 

 

He didn't know what to say, he felt tears threatening to fall, and he looked away. It was hard to hear someone tell him he was something he wasn’t. He wished he could be the person Castiel believed him to be, but he wasn’t, and never would be. 

 Castiel lifted his chin gently with his finger and gazed into his eyes.   “I mean every word, I have said Dean, you cannot see it, but I see it. Now I want to take you home and put you to bed to sleep this off. Will you let me stay with you tonight?” 

 

“Ye-Yes, I would like that a lot.” 

 

Castiel nodded. He lightly stroked his finger from his chin to the forehead, and there were no more conscious thoughts. 

 

 

***********************************************

 

He held Dean in his arms. He would sleep for a while, he lifted him up, holding him close and took him back to the house, directly into his room. He softly placed him on the bed and pulled the covers over him, reached under to remove his Jeans. He didn't feel comfortable exposing the man, even if he had just been half naked in front of him. He groaned as the images caused his genitals to react. He shook the images away and walked to one of the drawers, pulling out a fresh pair of boxers and slipped them up over Dean’s hip bones and stepped into the bathroom to clean his hands, removing his own clothes and putting on some Pajama bottoms. Then walked back into the room and slid beneath the covers, pulling Dean gently close and wrapped his arm around him. 

 

He didn't know if he did the right thing, it wasn't what he planned, but the way Dean had talked about himself, the way he believed he had done something unforgivable to him. He couldn't let him live with that. The only way he could convince him was to show him exactly what he wanted, had wanted to do for a long time. Show him that he wasn't the only one affected. 

 

His only concern was, what would Dean feel in the morning? Would he push him away? Would he regret it?  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote 99% of this while I was a little intoxicated, I figured the best way to think like someone drinking, is to drink while writing the chapter. 
> 
> So, I apologize if any of it, makes little sense. I fixed up all errors i could find, this morning, but as always there seems to always be some that i missed, and no matter how many times i go over it.. there is always one more lol.
> 
> I hope it wasn't too terrible it's my first attempt at M/M action.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, something to post. I am once again sorry it's taken so long to post. I haven't been entirely happy with this chapter so I rewrote many parts of it. I'm still not 100% happy with it but I don't think I ever will be.
> 
> Happy Easter everyone! I hope you have a great weekend and stay safe! :) <3

Dean tossed and turned, muffling something but Castiel couldn't make out what he was saying. He pulled Dean closer to his chest, rubbing his arm gently and made a soothing shushing noise, but Dean didn't respond to his reassurances. 

He gently began to nudge the other man awake. 

“Mom! Mom! No! Mom!” 

Dean shot up into a sitting position breathing hard, sweat glistening in the moonlight that filtered through the curtains. 

“Dean, are you alright?” He watched Dean cautiously. He wanted to reassure him everything was alright, but before he could say anything else, Dean suddenly stumbled out of the bed, half tripping as he reached the end and bolted off into the bathroom slamming the door behind him. 

He got up slowly and walked towards the bathroom door, not sure exactly what he should do, he had hoped that being there would have helped Dean with the reactions to his nightmares, but apparently, Dean hadn't even acknowledged his presence. 

Castiel knocked the door quietly and waited a long moment before calling out Dean’s name. He didn't want to walk in uninvited unless he had to, and so he patiently waited. 

He mentally called for Gabriel, hoping that between them, they would be able to come up with something to help their young charge. 

“Hey Cas,” Gabe whispered as he walked to stand to the side of him. 

“How long has he been in there?” He asked quietly. 

“Only a few minutes, I believe he’s had another nightmare. He hasn't responded to my knock or calling of his name.” He turned around to Gabriel and then leant his head against the wall staring up at the ceiling. 

“I had hoped he would have had another night free of nightmares.” He let out a sigh. Feeling lost.“I don’t know if I should go in there or remain here and give him space and wait for him. I don’t want to intrude, but I don’t want him to spiral down again.” 

Gabriel hummed in response as he stood watching the door, his eyebrows creased in concentration, and then his eyes widened. 

“Castiel!” he hissed loudly and reached for the door and turned the knob to find it locked. 

"What's wrong Gabriel?" 

“We need to get in there, now.” Gabriel kicked at the door, and it flew open, and without waiting for the door to open wider, Gabriel rushed in and pulled the razor blade from Dean’s hand and threw it so it landed in the sink with a clink. 

Castiel stood in the doorway frozen, watching the scene in front of him as Gabriel took hold of Dean’s wrists firmly enough that he couldn’t pull them out of Gabriel’s grasp. 

“Dean, this is not the answer. “ Gabriel spoke quietly, looking into Dean’s eyes. 

Dean’s shoulders slumped, which made him seem so small and defeated. He looked down to the ground. 

He stepped into the bathroom quietly, moving to Dean’s side, placing his hand on his shoulder. 

“Dean?” he spoke cautiously. 

Dean turned seeing him standing to his side, and then suddenly launched himself towards Castiel as Gabriel released his wrists, throwing his arms around his neck and sobbing into his shoulder blade.  

“Hush now, Dean, it will be alright. It was just another nightmare.” He lifted his hand and began to stroke the back of Dean’s head and using the other hand to rub soothingly on his back.   

 

   
 

 

“Cas, I can’t stand it. I don’t want to feel this anymore. I don’t want to feel anything. I-I want it all to stop. I’m-I’m not strong enough, I-I-I can’t fight it. Cas, it-it should have been me, not my mom, sh-she should be he-here… she should be here. I-I-I should have said something. I should have said something, and I didn't. I wish I said something; Sh-she would be here now. She would ha-have been here. M-my fault... It-it’s my fault. I- I could have said something. “Dean sobbed into his shoulder hysterically, his body shaking from the force of the sobs. He wanted to take the pain away from him, but he couldn't, all he could do, was be there for him as he went through this. 

He glanced over to Gabriel, who remained silent, the razor blade now held between his fingers. Gabriel offered him a comforting smile before he nodded and left the room, giving them some space.  

“I know Dean. I know you feel it was your fault, but it wasn't your fault. I know that you don’t think I understand, but I do. I understand a lot more than you would think. I have regrets about things from the past. I feel responsible for how things turned out. However, Dean, it really wasn't your fault, and I hope in time that you will come to understand all this and begin to accept that there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. “He continued to hold Dean close to him, running soothing circles on his back until the sobs subsided. 

Dean pulled back, looking up into his eyes. Dean’s eyes were red and puffy. “Come on, let’s get you back into bed, and we can talk about this if you like, or we can lie quietly for a while. It’s up to you.” 

Dean nodded, allowing him to lead them back to the bed, and pulled the covers over him once he was settled into it. He made his way silently to the other side and climbed in beside Dean, tugging gently, signalling for him to move closer. 

“Now, Dean, are you ready to tell me what your nightmare was about?” He asked into the younger mans’ hair, as his lips brushed across his head and trailing his fingers across his upper arm while the other remained relaxed over Dean’s waist. 

Dean sighed and shook his head. Silence fell upon them, and he listened to Deans breathing slow down and returned to normal, sniffling every now and then. 

“I-I can’t talk about them. I don’t even want to remember them. Can we speak of something else? “Dean’s voice sounded broken and muffled. His face tucked into the crook of Castiel’s neck. 

Castiel had hoped that the younger man would be ready to talk about his nightmares, but he thought about something else to talk about, something that would take his mind off whatever had caused such despair in him. 

“Okay, Have you thought about what you want to buy Sam for Christmas?” 

Dean shook his head and then pulled back a little to look up at him. 

“When I came into your room, I was meant to ask you what kind of thing Gabriel liked; I want to buy you both something for Christmas. 

“Dean, you don’t have to bother with getting Gabe or me anything. We are just happy to have both you and Sam here. “ 

“I want to get you both something. You don’t have a say in it.” 

“Well, if you insist on getting something… “He paused as he thought about what his brother would like, and he smiled, this could be fun. He could get Gabriel back for the painting he had chosen to put on the wall. 

“He likes Candy... His favourites are those really sour ones, the ones I saw on a TV commercial… I think they are called War Heads… Those are the ones he loves. So if you wanted to get him something. He would really like them. “He grinned to himself at the image of Gabe’s comical expression after trying one. 

Dean nodded slightly and fell silent for a few minutes. 

“Cas?” 

“Yes?” 

Dean shifted himself up until he was eye level with him. 

“I want to… I-I am sorry about last night. I don’t know what came over me.” 

“Dean, you have nothing to apologise for. Do you remember what happened last night?” 

Dean nodded but said nothing. 

“Do you remember everything that I said to you?”   

Dean nodded again, his tongue flicking out and dashing across his lower lip. 

“I-I do.” He responded hesitantly. 

“Then, you know you have nothing to be sorry about.” 

“I understand that, but Cas. I can’t help it. I feel bad for what happened.” 

“Dean, Don’t.” His voice sounded harsher than he had wanted it to be and Dean winced at his tone. 

“I’m sorry Dean. I didn't mean to snap. You must understand what you did…. How I reacted. It was misunderstood. When you left my room, I thought something was wrong, I assumed you were upset, so when you pushed me against the wall... I didn't understand and by the time I realised, you were already out the door and heading quickly to the stairs. I am sorry that you felt rejected Dean. If I had understood right away, it would have ended very differently.” 

“I don’t know… uh... What’s happening… These feelings that I have been feeling, they are new to me. I have never considered… I mean I haven't felt an attraction to another man before, but the moment you walked into my hospital room and looked at me. Something awakened, and I don’t know what to make of it... Yesterday, seeing you undress… it... Uh... It caused… it made my body react, and I had to get out of there before I did something I’d regret… and then when you came in, and I saw you, I couldn't stop myself… and... you looked so shocked and scared. I thought I had ruined everything. ” Dean sighed. 

“I don’t know why, but I trust you. I feel safe when you’re nearby, I feel complete in a way I didn't feel before. I feel like I have known you for a lifetime… I… I don’t understand it, I... I mean… did something break in my head while I was in the coma, has the wiring changed? Because... Before I took those sleeping pills, I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted… and I don’t know who I am, or what I want…” 

Dean hesitated, biting his lower lip and then continued, “that’s not true… I do know what I want.” Dean looked up and stared at him, almost expecting him to know and give him the answer, but he couldn't provide one that would make sense or one that could be explained without revealing who he was, and what had happened, or what Dean had been in the other time.

So he just said... “Me too, Dean.” In truth, he didn't really know. Except for the bond that had existed might still be there, but that didn't explain Dean’s attraction to him, although he felt relieved to hear that Dean's feelings were mutual. However the Dean he knew never felt that way about him. 

“Dean, when is your appointment to see the Psychologist?”

  “Wednesday morning at 10:15.” Dean sighed and scrubbed his hand over his face. 

“I’m not looking forward to that, I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell him, I don’t do the whole sharing feelings well. I don’t even want to think about it. Will you come with me Cas?” he looked hopeful as he looked back up at him. 

He didn’t know if he would be allowed in the room, but he nodded anyway, “If I’m allowed, I will be there with you, Dean, but if I can’t come in… I will be right outside waiting for you.” He reached out and took hold of Dean’s hand, giving it a slight squeeze, noticing the change in Dean’s breathing. 

‘Tha-Thanks...” Dean whispered, offering a weak smile. 

“I don’t know where Sam, and I would be without you.” Dean paused, hesitating with some thought before lifting his hand to cup Castiel’s cheek, then leant forward to brush his lips against Castiel’s experimentally, pulling back slightly watching for any sign of rejection.  

Castiel stared into emerald green eyes, feeling his pulse quicken. He lifted his hand to grip the back of Dean’s head and leant in, brushing his mouth against Dean’s and experimentally flicking his tongue out against soft lips, probing hesitantly, waiting for the other man to push him away or invite him in. 

Dean sighed softly and kissed him back. Castiel felt clumsy; the night before he had felt surer when he wanted to show him that he had wanted him also.  This felt different, and he didn't know how to proceed. The kiss was soft, a slow exploration of each other’s mouths. 

He slowly ran his hand down Deans’ back, fingertips lightly brushing against the hard but smooth muscles. Dean pulled back slightly and sighed, resting his forehead against his, his fingers gently running down Castiel’s shoulder and down his chest. 

“What is this between us Cas? What does this mean?” Dean whispered while gazing into his eyes. 

“I don’t know, what would you like this to mean?” he replied, unsure of what Dean wanted. He still didn't understand how things progressed with humans emotionally, why a person chose another as a mate. 

“I don’t know; this is all new to me… I don’t know what this, between you and me, means to you…” Dean’s voice trailed off sounding unsure. 

“This is new to me too. I have only kissed two others. They were females, and neither of them turned out well. “ He responded, still completely unsure of what Dean wanted. 

“Oh, so you haven’t been with another man before either? What happened with that made them turn out badly?” Dean appeared more confident now, relieved that it wasn’t just his first time. 

"Well, the first one turned out to be a-a demon and the second one… Well, she liked to torture." 

He remained quiet, and Dean watched him for a moment before hesitating again. 

“So, we both have never been with another man. Neither of us knows what this is nor where this might be heading... May-Maybe we should let whatever this is, happen and see where it goes… Wha-what do you think… is that something you would want?” Dean asked nervously, still lightly touching Castiel’s chest, running his fingers in a circular motion. 

“Yes, that sounds like a good idea.” He smiled back at Dean, unsure of what else he should say or do. 

Dean stifled a yawn… 

“You should try to get some more sleep.” He said, frowning slightly. 

Dean scooted closer, resting his head on his shoulder. The palm of his hand pressed against Castiel’s chest. 

 

“Yearh, I feel a bit tired. I need to wake early to take Sam to school.” Dean said with a little yawn. 

“I can take Sam to school, just sleep.” He responded, feeling a bubble of excitement at the prospect that Dean was his. It was a strange feeling to think of Dean as his kind of mate. It wasn't something he had thought of ever being a possibility. He was, after all, an angel, and Dean, A human. 

Could they work? What would Dean say if he found out he was an Angel, Would Dean stay or walk away? 

He felt a bubble of panic rising, what if Dean didn't want to see him again? There was no way he could return to the shadows, to watch him from the edges and lose all that he accomplished so far. 

Castiel took a deep breath and glanced down at the man who lay sleeping on his shoulder. No, there was no way he could risk losing him. He should have told him from the beginning, should have taken the risk that Dean would turn him away back then. He had much more to lose now, and Dean. He was healing. 

If Dean found out he was an angel, he had no idea what adverse effect that would cause. There was a risk that Deans healing would reverse, and then it would be all for nothing.  

He sighed inwardly and lay back on the pillow and looked up towards the ceiling. He would have to think about it more. Dean’s recovery is the most important thing right now, and he would not do anything to jeopardise that. 

 

His first priority was to get to the bottom of the nightmares, if he could ease them, Dean would feel a bit better. He would gain more sleep because it was apparent that the dreams were causing the most damage to Dean emotionally. 

 

Then there were the demons, it had plagued his mind since Gabriel had brought it up in the car three nights before, was it true? Would they still try to convince Dean to sell his soul? But instead of bringing back Sam, would they try to convince him to do it to bring back Mary? 

 

Dean had no idea what lurked in the dark. He wouldn't last long in Hell; he would break quicker from the torture and then everything he had tried to do would be in vein. He needed to keep the demons away from him, and that was going to be harder once Dean went back to work.  

 

Maybe he should introduce himself to Bobby and explain everything, then enlist Bobby’s help. 

 

Dean trusted Bobby; he had been a second father to him after the crash. Dean had been distraught about his mother, and Bobby had been the one to tow their car from the scene once the police had finished their investigation. Dean, Sam and their father had visited Bobby’s salvage yard several times in the beginning, while Bobby was ordering the parts that were needed to fix the Impala. Dean had joined Bobby when he assessed the car's damage, and they hit it off. Bobby became quick friends with the Winchesters, but after John had begun to drink himself into what will possibly be his early grave, the visits to Bobby’s had decreased until they only spoke a couple of times a year. Dean stopped wanting to visit Bobby’s house not wanting to see the Impala. 

 

He and Bobby had talked at great lengths about how they would both fix the Impala; bring her back to her former glory. Bobby had thrown a blue cover over it and told Dean he would hold on to it until the day came that he felt ready to continue fixing the car. 

 

Four years later and the car was still sitting under the blue cover. 

 

Yes, he would go and speak with Bobby once he dropped Sam at school. 

 

************************************************************************* 

 

 

 

 

 

Dean awoke to an empty bed; the sun was beaming through the crack in the curtains, and it took him a moment to focus his eyes and rub the sleep from them. They felt puffy and sore and that brought out the memories of what happened during the night. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling for a moment and scrubbed his hands over his face, taking a deep inhale of air. 

 

The nightmare had been the worst he had dreamed of so far; he could still see his mother’s body up on the ceiling, flames licking around her as his father thrust Sam into his arms and told him to run outside. 

 

He shook the image away as he felt his chest tightening and his stomach turn. 

 

“It was just a dream, that didn't happen.” He reminded himself as he turned checking the time. It was 10:30 and he suddenly sat up as he realised that he had overslept, he needed to get Sam to school. 

 

He threw his legs over the side of the bed and made his way into the bathroom and relieved himself, then looked at himself in the mirror; cursing as he saw the red-rimmed puffy eyes staring back at him; he groaned and splashed cold water on his face. 

 

The cold water felt nice across the puffy skin, which felt dry and hot. Dean clicked his tongue and shook his head at the sight of himself and turned away from the mirror; glancing around to find where his clothes from the night before were so he could grab his keys. 

 

He found his jeans near his bed, but there were no keys in his pockets; fuzzy memories flashed back to the night before, and he groaned audibly; he left his car outside in the car park near the bar he had gone to.   

   
 

He quickly pulled the jeans on and pulled on the first shirt he found in his drawers and ran out the bedroom door, down the stairs into the kitchen. 

“Sam?” He looked about… 

“Cas? Gabe?” he walked to the fridge and found a note held there by a small magnet... 

 ** _“_** **_Dean, don’t worry about Sam, Gabriel, and I are dropping him off at school. We will be back around lunchtime and don’t worry about making lunch. We will bring something in with us. However, if you are hungry, there is left-over pizza in the fridge._**  

 ** _Castiel.”_**  

 

At the mention of pizza, his stomach rumbled; he hadn't eaten much since lunch the day before, except the few bites of the cheese sandwich he had unceremoniously slapped together at his house. At the thought of the night before, images flashed through his mind of how the older man had pinned him to the wall, and he felt his face flush and heart quickened. 

Last night was one of the hottest things that had ever happened to him, even if he had made a fool of himself and was so drunk he could barely focus. He never considered Cas as a take charge kind of man, he had significantly underestimated him. 

His stomach rumbled louder, and he glanced at the clock it was nearing eleven. He had an hour before they were back. His stomach couldn't’ wait that long so he threw open the fridge door and searched around until he found the box that contained the left-over pizza and pulled it out and placed it on the counter, quickly opening it and grabbing one of the 4 slices that were left, and taking a large bite. It was not as nice cold, but he didn't care. He needed something to stop the hollow out feeling in his stomach. 

He looked around the kitchen and caught sight of the coffee percolator, and walked over; it was still hot; he thought about making a new jug, but he didn't want to wait around for it to go through the process of percolating. He pulled out a cup from the top cupboard and filled it with the rich dark liquid and moved around the breakfast bar island and leant against it as he took in the Christmas decorations that filled every bit of the kitchen ceiling. 

The room looked very festive, and he smiled to himself; this Christmas would be awesome, and he felt a bubble of excitement flutter in his stomach. Sam was going to have a great Christmas, and being honest with himself, so was he; It had been a long time since he had last looked forward to Christmas day, this year was going to be different. He had Cas, and that was something both frightening and exciting. 

Dean didn't know what he and Cas were, but whatever it was; it felt nice; it felt like he had something to look forward to. He still didn't know much about the man, though, who was he? What did his father look like? What did his father do? What did Cas do before he inherited the house for a living? What did he look like as a child? He had found nothing of him inside the house, nothing that could tell him more about the man, except of course what Cas had said to him. A small voice spoke from the back of his mind. “You haven’t seen inside his bedroom, maybe something in there will tell you more.” 

He paused to think about it, if he got caught snooping in Castiel’s room, it could ruin whatever it was that was blossoming between them, but if he just took a small peek in, then he wouldn't be caught. It was 11:10; they wouldn't be back for another fifty minutes. He could be in and out, and Cas would never know. 

He knocked back the rest of his coffee before he could have second thoughts about his idea and pushed off from the counter, walking towards the stairs. He took 2 steps at a time as he made his way up, then strode quickly down the hall and stopped just outside Castiel’s room and hesitated. 

What was he doing? Was he seriously just about to invade Castiel’s private space? He paused for a few minutes, and then quickly pushed the door open and glanced around, hand still on the door handle. This was wrong; he shouldn't be there, but he quickly shrugged it off and walked into the open space. The room was neat; everything was placed neatly on its surfaces, except a book that lay on the side cupboard next to the four-poster bed.   

He moved quickly to the bed and sat down; picking up the book, the book was weird, symbols he had never seen, he flipped through the pages and the symbols littered every page, there were no English translations or illustrations, just line after line of symbols. He placed the book back in the side cupboard and peered around the room.

 There were no photographs, no personal anything; he opened the drawer next to the bed. He frowned as he reached inside and pulled out the object, was it a sword? It was too small to be a sword, so what was it… a dagger? No, daggers were shorter… he ran his fingers over the long handle; it was smooth and cold... He tapped the metal, trying to work out what kind of metal it was, it wasn’t steel. He ran his hand down the blade and realised it was really sharp as it sliced through a few layers of his fingertip. He yelped and dropped the blade back in the drawer and dragged his tongue over the small cut that stung like a bitch. He clumsily shut the drawer with his free hand and left the room to find a first aid box.

He was no closer to knowing who Cas was; instead, he now had more questions. What the hell were those symbols? And why would he have a sharp, weird blade in his top drawer? If Cas needed a weapon to protect himself, why not a gun or a kitchen knife? Or even a regular hunting dagger… Where did he get it from?

He found a first aid box in the kitchen and quickly placed a small Band-Aid on his finger just as Castiel and Gabriel walked through the front doors.

Gabriel was the first to walk through the kitchen door, glancing to the first aid box that lay open on the counter and then to his finger, lifting an eyebrow in question.

“I…. Uh… cut myself with a knife, I wasn't paying attention.”

Gabriel shrugged and smiled, “Did you enjoy your night out?”

At the mention of the night before he blushed, then cleared his throat and replied as nonchalantly as he could.

“Yeah, it was fun.” He quickly turned to look at Castiel who was still standing just inside the doorway into the kitchen, who was staring at him frowning, looking a bit concerned.

He tried to reassure him by smiling and holding up his finger. “I’m clumsy what can I say?”

Castiel stepped towards him in 4 large strides and pulled his hand towards him, examining his finger.

“It looks deep… You might need stitches.”

He pulled his hand away quickly and shrugged. “It will heal; it’s not bleeding anymore… Listen, thanks for taking Sam to school... If there’s anything I can do, let me know... I work in a garage and can service your car if you ever need it serviced. Free of course. “

“It was no problem Dean-o, we needed to go shopping anyway so it wasn't out of our way. We picked up your car on the way back. “Gabriel replied with a smile pushing his car keys in front of him and then added, “You do like burgers right? We found a burger joint across town.”

“Burgers? Oh hell yeah!”  He whipped around to look at the counter; Gabriel had gotten out plates and now, on the counter stood 3 burgers still wrapped in the takeaway wrappers.  He grinned and stepped forward, this was perfect! He hadn't had a burger in what felt like a long, long time.

He sat himself down in front of one of the plates, and then pulled the stool next to him closer turning to see Castiel watching him. He gestured to Castiel to sit down next to him. Castiel nodded and quickly moved to sit beside him and pulled a plate in front of him. However, he noticed Castiel’s lack of enthusiasm and looked at him.

“Don’t you like burgers?”

“I do, I’m just not that hungry... Would you like mine?” Castiel offered the plate to Dean, pushing it slightly towards him.

“Hell yeah, that is… if you are sure, you don’t want it...” 

“I am certain." Castiel responded then nodded towards the plate, "Eat…"

He grinned at the other man, no one had to tell him twice, he took a large bite of the burger, and he moaned appreciatively. It tasted like heaven in his mouth. 

“thish ish goorf” he said around the mouthful of it. 

Gabriel chuckled and then looked towards Castiel, nodding slightly. Dean looked between the two men. Something was wrong; he could tell that they wanted to say something. He fixed his eyes on Castiel, swallowing the last of the mouthful of food feeling it stick to the back of his throat as it slid down. 

“Okay, what’s wrong? You look like you’re about to tell me that someone killed my cat.” 

“Dean…..” 

He could hear the cautious hesitation in Castiel’s tone, and he stiffened. 

"Is it about Sam, Is he okay?” he asked quickly, feeling suddenly cold. 

“Yes Sam is okay Dean; we just wanted to talk to you about something. It’s nothing that’s wrong. You don’t have to worry.” Castiel spoke quickly; seeing the panic. 

“Well, what is it then? Spit it out Cas, you’re making me nervous.” 

“We… Um… Gabriel and I spoke to Bobby.” 

“Bobby?” That was the last thing he thought he would hear them say. 

“How do you know about Bobby?” 

“Dean it isn't important right now…” Castiel waved off his question and continued 

“He hasn't seen you in a long time, and he wants to drive over to see you, stay for a few months. Is that alright with you?” 

“Hold on a second… Does he want to come here? Why?” 

“Well, he heard about what happened, and he’s concerned about you, and I said he could come and stay but only if you’re happy with it.” 

“Hell yeah! Although I would have preferred that he didn't know about what happened but Bobby is like an uncle to me, it’s been... a while since Sam, or I have seen him, and it would be awesome to have him here for Christmas.”   

“There is something else, Dean.” Castiel looked hesitantly at Gabriel, rubbing his hands on his trench coat. 

“He’s bringing the Impala.” Gabriel blurted out. “ He said that maybe you would like to fix it up with him while he was here, give you something to do with your hands.” 

He felt the colour leave his face, No. He couldn't bring it. He didn't want to see it. He couldn't work on it, No. It was too much. 

“No!” he shouted out suddenly and stormed out of the kitchen. 

He heard Castiel follow him; he vaguely heard his name being called as he threw open the front door, and he ran to the car and climbed into it. He needed to breathe. He couldn’t find the air to fill his lungs. He heard the passenger car door open, then close. 

He turned looking at Castiel. He looked so worried about him, his eyes boring straight into his. He needed to breathe; he needed to get out of there. 

He felt the other man’s hand clapping him on the back. 

“Dean, calm down. It’s alright, we can tell him to leave the car there. Dean. Breathe.” 

He couldn't breathe. He began to shake, and his vision blurred as a high pitch ringing started. He couldn't have a panic attack here, not now. Not in front of Cas, but he couldn't control it. 

He vaguely heard the passenger door open and then his own door opened; someone pulled him out of the car and lifted him up and walked towards the house as he blacked out. 

******************************************************** 

He opened his eyes to find he was in his bed, and the room was dark. How long had he been asleep and why had he been sleeping? He lay still looking up at the darkened ceiling trying to remember all that happened before, he had been upset about something. Bobby was coming to stay with them, and then he remembered. The Impala. He couldn’t see that car. He didn’t want to see it. He didn’t want to be near it. He felt the panic tighten in his chest and focused himself on his breathing. 

It would be alright. He had to believe that. Bobby wouldn't force him to work on it… Bobby was rough, but he was kind and understanding; he lost his wife during a hunting accident; he understood him more than his own father did. He wouldn't make him work on it. He was sure of it. 

He could hear voices coming up the stairs; Bobby’s voice came down the hall. Was he here already? He leapt out of the bed and briskly walked out of the room finding Gabriel and Bobby standing down the other side of the hall, at the room that was next to Gabriel’s. 

“This is your room if there’s something not to your liking… “ 

“It's fine… now, where’s my boy? I won’t feel better until I've seen him.” 

 “H-Hi Bobby.” He stepped closer to the two men and smiled slightly.  

“Dean… it’s good to see ya.” 

Neither of them moved. 

 

“You too Bobby.” 

“How have ya been?” Bobby moved closer, stopping only when he was 2 steps away from him. 

“These folks good to ya? 

“Yeah, Yeah Bobby, they are good people.” 

“Good. Now, boy, we have a lot to talk about. I got some more stuff in the truck, come help me lug them in.” Bobby gave him a pointed look and then turned towards the stairs.  

  

“Yeah, Okay.” He replied and followed cautiously behind, glancing up to where Gabriel had been, the man had made himself scarce and went into his own room. 

“Everything is fine isn't it?” he turned the moment they reached the truck 

“Yeah, yeah everything’s good.” 

“That’s not what I've been hearin’, ya don’t throw back bottles of pills if everything is okay.” 

"Yeah... Um... that was... a mistake..." 

“ya tellin me it was a mistake you Idjit! Now, where’s John? 

“I dunno Bobby. He came back around on mom’s death anniversary and then took off after Sam told him what I did, and he hasn’t been seen since.” 

Bobby growled and turned towards the back of his truck, pulling out a large bag. 

“if he turns up again he’s gonna have an ass filled with buck shots. That will keep him still for a while.” 

Dean barely heard what he said, he stared at the trailer connected to the truck; he knew, beneath the cover was his father’s old car, the car he was once told would be his someday, the car that was now as mangled as he felt. He dragged in several large gulps of air. Suddenly, there was a cold metal object unceremoniously thrust into his hands, and he looked down to find the old man’s flask. 

“Drink that, it will help ya. “ Bobby looked sympathetically at him before turning towards the house 

“Get that last bag and hurry up boy, I ain't planning on standing out here all night.” 

He stared down at the small flask for a moment before twisting the top and sniffing the contents, Whiskey. He knocked back a large mouthful and closed his eyes at the burning sensation that hit the back of his throat. He twisted the top back on and pocketed the flask and turned toward the truck, finding another large bag, he lifted it out; it was so damn heavy. 

“Hey, Bobby, what you got in here? Lead?” 

The older man just chuckled and continued to the house, leaving him struggling to carry the bag into the house and up to Bobby's room... It was probably the biggest workout he ever had. 

As he reached the top, he was out of breath and stopped for a second to catch it, Bobby came back out of the bedroom and looked at him, then shook his head and took the bag from him and carried it into the room. He came back out to stand in front of him and lifted his cap to readjust it on his head. 

“So, are you gonna show me around this place?” the older man asked as he looked around the hall. 

“er… yeah, sure. Follow me.” Dean straightened himself up, finally getting his breath back; he needed to work out again. It was evident that the month he spent laying around on the hospital bed had made him unfit. 

For the rest of the night, Dean, Sam and Bobby spent time together, talking about what had been happening in their own lives, with the exclusion of what happened on their mom’s death anniversary. It felt like old times when their father took off, and they stayed with Bobby at his house.

 

 

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

“So what ya sayin’ is... You’re an Angel, and Gabriel is an Archangel. A Yellow-eyed Demon fed blood to Sam, Killed Mary and then John spent his life hunting down the Demon?” Bobby asked incredulously, peering out across the garden from the glassed walled construction. 

Castiel stood beside him watching him. “Yes.” 

“And Dean and Sam were hunters, and Sam died, and Dean exchanged his soul for Sam’s life?” 

“Yes.” He was getting a bit frustrated. They had already gone over this, but Bobby appeared at odds with something, 

“Dean started the apocalypse by breaking the first seal when he finally turned to torturing souls in hell, and then Sam broke the last and raised Lucifer from his cage. “He repeated the story again for the 3rd time since he first spoke to Bobby. 

“I don’t believe it. Those boys have no idea what is out there and nor does John, the only demon that idjit has been fighting is his own.” 

Castiel sighed, “Only in this timeline. They lived a different life in the old one. John, Dean and Sam were all Hunters. You met John through being hunters.” 

“So ya telling me, you came back through time, killed the yellow-eyed Demon before he could feed Sam the blood and kill Mary?” Bobby inquired, attempting to piece it all together. 

“Yes.” He replied 

“But Mary died anyways because it was always meant to be,” Bobby stated the fact rather than posed it as a question. 

“Yes… I have recently learned that the Demons may still want Dean, he was after all the one who had to break the first Seal, and even though he is not a hunter, he is still the righteous man. “He sighed audibly; He hadn’t thought about that when he had decided to go back in time and change everything. It wasn’t because of the yellow-eyed demon or becoming a hunter that made Dean a righteous man, No. He was always going to be that from the moment, he was conceived, it was a finely tuned plan, started many generations before. Bobby interrupted his thoughts. 

“Okay, that’s easy. We ward this place against Demons, so they can’t enter, and I’ve read there are some hex bags that-“ 

“Wait; there is more, Bobby, Gabriel believes that my brothers, Michael and Raphael also want Dean to start the breaking of the Seals, I am not supposed to be near the boys. I was ordered not to contact them, ever or help them, but I revealed myself to them almost three weeks ago, and there has been no word from my brothers. This poses a danger to both Dean and Sam, if they find out Gabriel and me, are helping them if they perceive this to be a risk, that we will stop Dean saying yes to the demon, they could act on it. This house is warded. It hides the house from Demons and Angels already, but it doesn’t stop them entering; they can find Dean and Sam easily once they are out of the house….” Castiel paused as he thought about something... 

“I can place warding’s on them but to do that... Sam and Dean will need to know what I am, what Gabriel is, and we can’t do that… Not yet anyway. I can’t do it without them knowing because the process will cause them some pain.” 

Bobby hummed and nodded slightly, 

“There're some tattoos that can be placed on the boys, but it ain't gonna just tickle em’. They’ll want to know why they have to have the tattoos.” Bobby spoke more to himself than to the Angel beside him. 

Castiel nodded, sighing. It would be so much easier if they knew everything, but there were so many risks, things that could do more harm than good with them knowing that he and Gabriel were Angels, like Dean’s recovery. 

Bobby lifted his cap and smoothed out his hair beneath it and then replaced it on his head.  

Castiel, we can’t keep this quiet from the boys. It's their lives, and if we wanna keep Dean safe, he needs to know about the monsters out there, the real monsters before any approach him.” 

“I know. Then maybe they should be told about the Demons, but not about Gabriel and I, not until they are used to the idea of Angels and Demons.” 

He responded, maybe telling them some of it will help ease them into the revelation of him and Gabriel. 

Bobby nodded then sighed and looked back across the garden. “I’ll make some calls in the mornin’ and hit the books… see what I can find. If what ya say is true, we have a lot of work to do. I’ll speak to the boys and explain what I really do; then take em out and show em how to use a gun, show em how to protect themselves against Demons. It’s not gonna be easy. That's for sure.” 

He thought of another way to keep the other Angels away. He knew Bobby had no books to show him the sigil, he would have to explain how to draw it and how to activate it. 

“There is a sigil that will send Angels away, should one pose a danger to the boys. I will make a diagram of it for you, and you can show Sam and Dean in case other Angels reveal themselves to them. Not all Angel’s mean well, they are warriors... Soldiers and they know nothing else except to follow orders and if Michael or Raphael ordered them to approach Sam or Dean and capture or kill them. They will do so. I will explain what is needed once I bring you the diagram. “ 

Bobby sighed and turned back towards Castiel and nodded. 

Bobby looked tired. He hadn’t noticed how tired until the moonlight lit the shadows across his features, dark rings under his eyes. 

“Bobby, We can talk later tomorrow. I only ask that you not speak to Dean about anything until we’ve spoken again… you should rest. You drove a long way.” 

“That I did.” Bobby chuckled, nodding slightly. “Alright, I’m gonna get my head down for a few hours. It’s gonna be a long day tomorrow.” 

Castiel nodded and led him back to the main house and through the halls and gestured to the stairs, he followed up after him and turned down the hall to Dean’s Bedroom. He didn’t like leaving Dean alone for too long, especially since what happened the night before. 

 

************************* 

Dean leant over the bathroom sink washing away the nightmares that once again plagued his dreams. He looked up at himself in the mirror and jumped when he found Castiel watching him at the door. 

“Shit Cas, Don’t do that!” 

“I’m sorry Dean. I was just coming to see how you were feeling. Are you alright?” 

“Just don’t sneak up on me okay? A cough or knock or something... “ 

“Alright.” 

He turned facing him and smiled slightly, “I’m fine Cas; the nightmare wasn't as bad as they have been, so don’t worry… I’m not going to try and off myself. I promise.” 

He watched as Castiel tilted his head, looking confused, “Off yourself? I don’t know what that means….” 

He rolled his eyes and looked heavenward before looking back at him. 

“It means to kill… I’m not going to kill myself. Okay?” He knew he was rather short and a bit snippy with his response, but he was feeling on the edge. He had to see the shrink later in the morning, and he just didn't want to talk about his feelings, not now, not later, not ever. He just wanted everyone to stop asking him if he was alright. 

“I’m Sorry Cas; I just need you to stop worrying about me... Even if it’s just for one day. Can you do that… for me? “He added puppy-dog eyes that use to work for the ladies, hoping it would at least take away some of the tension that he had just caused between them. 

It seemed to have worked, and he felt relief wash over him as he watched the other man suddenly give him a side smile and look to the ground before looking back up and nodding his head. 

“Okay, I can do that.” 

“Good.” He replied, feeling suddenly playful. He pulled the other man closer to him. Castiel eyes grew wide as he wrapped his arm around his waist and lifted his chin; he chuckled softly as he leant slowly down to meet lips with lips, giving a chaste kiss before pulling back. 

“What time is it?” he asked, feeling hungry. It couldn’t be too much time before the sun rose. 

“It’s only four-thirty; You should get some more sleep.” Castiel looked at him cautiously and turned to leave the bathroom. 

“Honestly Cas, I’m not tired. I've had more sleep than I normally do.” His stomach rumbled, and Castiel turned looking at him lifting an eyebrow and smiling. 

“Okay, let’s go down and get you something to eat.” 

He followed Castiel down to the kitchen, finding Gabriel already awake, with a mixing bowl in his hand stirring the contents quickly. 

Gabriel looked up from the bowl, just as they reached the Island kitchen bar and grinned. 

“You guys are awake early…” 

Dean frowned at the bowl and looked at Gabriel… “We could say the same thing about you; do you always get up early and bake?” 

"Yep," Gabriel replied and went back to mix the contents of the bowl. 

“So what are you making?” 

Chocolate-chip cookies, cookies, my favourite…" 

“Gabe anything sweet is your favourite." Castiel pointed out with a chuckle. 

“Well… you have a point… I will make you something for breakfast once I’ve got these babies mixed properly. What would you like?” 

“Toast would be good; I can make them if you want... I don’t need you waiting on me or anything.” 

“Nope, I’ll make them. It’s no trouble.” He continued to stir the bowl for another 30 seconds then placed the bowl on the counter.

He turned pulling out a roll of baking paper and a flat oven tray; he put them to the side, next to the bowl and after that bent down out of sight, clanking around and next placed a four slice toaster on the counter and plugged it in.   

Gabriel juggled four pieces of bread, grinning at him as he walked towards the toaster and placed them into the two large slots, then stepped to the fridge pulling items out, turning, his arms full of jars of various spreads; Butter, Honey, Jam and peanut butter. 

“So, Bobby’s a real character isn’t he?” Gabriel casually spoke as they waited for the toast. 

“Yeah, he is… He’s a good man, though, helped Sam and me many times.” 

“He seems to care about you both a lot.” Gabriel smiled warmly, “It’s going to be an exciting Christmas, that’s for sure.” 

He didn’t say anything, he just smiled back. It was going to be an awesome Christmas. 

The toast popped up, and Gabriel placed them on a plate and pushed them towards him. 

“Help yourself to the butter and spreads; I need to get the cookies onto the tray and into the oven before Sam wakes up. He can take some to school with him.” 

He watched Gabriel’s progress as he silently chewed on the toast and jam, He had noticed Castiel disappeared through the kitchen door sometime before, and so it was just he and Gabriel alone, he hadn’t spent much time with Gabriel, and he began to feel bad. He was, after all, living in his house, and he hadn’t said much more than hello and goodbye with the odd small talk here and there. 

He finished his breakfast and pushed off the stool to go around and pour him and Gabriel some coffee and placed the mugs back on the breakfast bar. 

Gabriel looked up and smiled. 

“Thanks, champ… what are your plans for today? Cassie said you have an appointment with the headshrinker this morning?” 

“Ugh, Yeah, don’t remind me.” 

Gabriel chuckled, “well rather you than me if I had to go to one I’d be funding their holidays for the next decade. “ 

“Yeah, I think I’d not be too far behind you. I honestly don’t want to have to talk to a stranger about how I feel, or what has happened. I mean, how the hell can they help you just by knowing what happened? A few words from him aren’t going to make me feel better. It's not going to change what’s happened and telling me it isn’t my fault isn’t going to change that… “He stopped himself before he said anything more; he didn’t want to talk about it. 

Gabriel raised his eyebrows and stopped midway from what he was doing, a spoon of mixture hovering above the tray. 

“Have you thought about the prospect that it may not have been your fault? I’m not saying I know anything about what happened but as far as I can tell… you were a 13-year-old boy. That’s a lot of responsibility to carry for a 13-year-old… especially when there were adults there. At 13, the responsibilities are with the parents, not the children, but I can understand why you would think that you could have done more. It’s called survivors guilt.” Gabriel returned to spooning the mixture into its place on the tray and then changed the subject. 

“So I was thinking of going out to the city tomorrow to get old Cassie something for Christmas, Did you want to come along and look for something for Sam? It 'd be good to have the company.” 

He was thankful for the change in subjects, 

“Yeah, that would be good. I want to get something for Cas, and I was going to ask you for ideas to what he likes.” 

“Alright, well we will go after we drop Sam to school.” He picked up the tray and turned to the oven; opening it and placing the cookies on the middle shelf and turned the time to 20 minutes. He turned back looking pleased with himself, picking up his mug and swallowed some of the coffee; Dean lifted his cup in a salute and did the same. 

He liked Gabriel; he had a way of knowing what to say and knowing when to back off, he was funny and kind. 

“I haven’t really thanked you for how you’ve helped with Sam; I haven’t seen him this happy in a long time. “   

  “You know it’s funny, Sam has said the same about you, he hadn’t seen you as happy, and my brother seems to be having a good impact on you; now since we’re on the subject. What’s going on between you and my little brother?” 

He felt his cheeks flush, being asked that question, and nervously rubbed the back of his neck. 

“Noth-nothing’s going on. Cas is a great guy.” 

“Oh, C’mon Deano; I’ve seen how he, and you look at each other; C'mon you can trust me, it will be our secret; I promise. “ Gabriel held up his fingers “Scouts honour" then winked. 

“Yeah, okay, there is something, but we don’t know what.” 

“Ah ha! I knew there was something. Cas is a good guy. He's had his own problems admittedly, and our brothers aren’t too happy with him at the moment. Just be kind to him okay? “ 

Dean nodded, unsure how to take the man’s words, was he warning him not to hurt his brother? As he went to respond, Gabriel stood up straight and smiled broadly at the door, and he turned finding Sam walking towards them, still in his shorts and an almost-too-small-for-him shirt, rubbing his eyes and pushing his hair out of the way. 

“Morning Sunshine!” Gabriel greeted him enthusiastically as Sam came to sit beside Dean. 

“Hmm, Morning,” Sam replied, his voice hoarse. 

“Hey, sleepy head.” He greeted Sam, ruffling his hair. 

“Ugh, Hi.” Sam groaned. 

He chuckled; He wasn’t used to Sam looking tired and grumpy in the mornings. Sam was always the first one up, and by the time he got up his little brother was already dressed and doing some homework, or reading the newspaper or a book as he waited for Dean to get dressed to take him to school. 

“So, How are things with you and Jess?” He felt guilty; he hadn’t spent much time with Sam since before he left the hospital. That was going to change, he would organise a day, just the two of them on a weekend soon. 

“We’re going well," Sam replied, not offering any more to the conversation. 

“That’s all you have to say? You’re good?” He said playfully as he nudged Sam with his elbow. 

“Yeah, there’s nothing else to say, I’m going around for dinner at her house Saturday night. Her mom and dad want to formally meet me.” He said with a yawn. 

“Oh? That serious already?” He playfully asked. 

“Shuddup Dean, I’ve met her parents before, just only in passing when I’ve called or knocked the door.” 

He held up his hands in mock surrender, “Woah, Okay, So no more questions about you and Jess… How’s school going?” he prodded, changing the subject 

“School’s good. Mr Sellers is recommending me for an AP in literature, but I don’t know if I really want to be put into Advanced placement or not, it would mean extra work to study for the AP exams.” 

“Sam, that’s great, why wouldn’t you want to do it? It would help towards your dreams of becoming a Lawyer.” 

“I just don’t.” 

“That’s not a good enough reason; C’mon there’s gotta be a better reason than that.” 

“Dean, Please Drop it.” 

“No, tell me, why don’t you think you want to do it?” 

 “Dean….” Sam stared back giving him his infamous bitch face.   

 

“Sam. I’m not going to drop it. This is something good, and you’re thinking of not doing it. It's what you’ve been working towards since, Hell... You’ve worked towards it from as far back as I can remember.” 

“I just don’t want to, Okay Dean?!" Sam stood up, taking the piece of toast and then muttered a “Thank you” to Gabriel before storming out of the room. 

Dean quickly got to his feet and followed his brother out of the room, there was something wrong, and he needed to find out what. 

“Sam.” 

Sam didn’t stop. He continued up the stairs. 

“SAM!” He shouted as he followed up the stairs. 

“Stop running away and fucking speak to me!” 

Sam stopped and turned on him, “Why? Why do you have to push it? Why can’t you just leave it?” 

“Because I know how much this means to you. I know how much you want to become a lawyer and help people, and this… this would give you an advantage to getting a kick-start into it. Tell me, Why are you not happy about it?” 

“Because… Because... We don’t have the money, Okay?! We don’t have the money, and it’s not cheap Dean; and since dad doesn’t give a shit about us, it means that you would have to pay it because I can’t get a job to pay it and I can’t ask you to do that Dean. I won’t let this be a problem for you.” 

“Hey, Sam, Don’t worry about that stuff, You know what makes me happy? What pushes me through each day? It’s you, Sam. You're doing something with your life; you have dreams and plans, and it makes me proud of you. It’s not a problem and never will be. I will always find the money to put you through all the classes to get you where you want to be because I’m your brother, and I love you, and when you’re happy, it makes me happy. So no more talk of not doing it… Okay? “He held Sam's shoulders, looking down catching his attention.

“Sam…. Okay?” 

Sam huffed out a breath and reluctantly nodded. “Fine, Okay, but I promise I will pay you back someday.” 

“Yeah you will, when you’re a big-shot lawyer, and you own a big house and car. You're gonna let me live with you and when I’m old you’re gonna take care of me.” He said nudging his brother, grinning. 

Sam chuckled reluctantly; then nodded. “Deal.” 

“Good, now go back down and eat the rest of your breakfast, we have twenty-five minutes before we have to leave to get you to school.” He ruffled Sam’s hair and pointed down the stairs. 

“Yes… Dad.” Sam grumbled slowly descending the stairs back to the kitchen. Muttering “Jerk” under his breath. 

“Hey, hey, I heard that. Bitch.” 

He heard Sam chuckle and smiled as he watched his brother take the corner that put him out of view. He turned walking up the stairs, he looked up to find Bobby looking disgruntled and realised quickly that he had just shouted at the top of his lungs at his brother and had woken the older man. 

“Oh, I’m sorry Bobby. I forgot you were here. “ 

Bobby shook his head and turned back towards his bedroom, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like demons, possession and noise cancelling headphones. 

He watched as his door closed completely, and he went down the hall and found Castiel’s bedroom door open. He looked cautiously between the crack of the frame and door, finding him sitting on the bed reading. He hesitated for a split second before knocking the door. 

“Come in, Dean.” 

He looked at the door, that was weird, how did he know it was him? 

“How did you-“  

 “Well Gabriel wouldn’t knock, and besides that, I heard you and Sam shouting, and you told him to go downstairs, Bobby went into his room, which left only you who could be knocking the door.” Castiel grinned and raised his eyebrow at him. 

“Uh, ok Sherlock. What are you up to?” 

“I assure you; I don’t own a wool Cape coat… I was reading.” 

“Well I wouldn’t say that your trench coat and Sherlock’s coat was much different; you're just missing the Cape bit, Or maybe I should call you Columbo…. Do you like reading, what is it that you’re reading there?” He looked down at the book in Castiel’s hand; it was the same book he had looked at the morning before, and this was his chance to ask about it. 

“I was reading this; It’s not an ordinary book. It’s written in Enochian Script. It’s said to be the language of Angels. John Dee and Edward Kelley had such a script in their journals back sometime in the 16th century, although John never referred to it as Enochian. It was mainly seen as the ‘Holy language’ or ‘Celestial speech’. it's not that interesting.” Castiel trailed off and placed the book on his side drawers. 

“So you know this Enochian language? Do you know any others?” 

“I know many other languages,” Castiel said, and then sat straight and turned to face him square on. 

“Dean, Do you believe in Angels?” 

He was taken back, where did this come from? He looked so serious and was staring at him without blinking, which made him think of Puss in boots, no... not puss in boots. A puppy with big round innocent eyes. 

“Er, I don’t know. I use to believe in them, before, before mom died, but I’m not so sure anymore. Why Cas? Do you believe in them?” 

“Yes, I do believe in them. I know they exist. “ 

“You know they exist? Have you seen one then? What do they look like? “ 

“Dean, I-“Castiel was cut off 

“Dean, I’m going to be late if you don’t hurry up, it’s almost 10 past seven.” Sam burst into the room, shouldering his bag as he looked at Castiel and Dean.  

He groaned. Sam had the worst timing. He looked towards Castiel, who turned looking out of the window and placed his hand on the other man's, giving a slight squeeze. 

“I’ll be back soon; we can talk then if you want.” He didn’t want to leave Castiel. He seemed unhappy about something. 

“Did you want to come with us?” 

Castiel turned looking up at him. His eyes were unreadable. “I will come if you want me to.” 

“That’s not what I asked you Cas, It is not about what I want. I’m asking if you want to come. Don’t get me wrong Cas, I’d be happy if you came along, but it's totally up to you.” 

“Alright, I will join you then.” Castiel stood up and stood beside him. 

“Okay, so let’s go before Samantha starts to freak out.” 

“Samantha is not my name. I am not a girl. Jerk.” 

“Sorry, my bad, I don’t know why I said it, maybe it’s the hair. I dunno.” He chuckled and walked past his brother to get his keys from his room. 

As he left his room, Sam had left to go down the stairs and Castiel was waiting for him just outside his room. Dean gestured for them to go down the hall and made their way down to the car. 

“I call shotgun,” Sam shouted as he walked briskly to the front passenger seat. 

Dean chuckled and shrugged his shoulders, peering over at Castiel, who had immediately stepped to the back passenger seat, and waited for him to open the doors for them. 

It was a quiet trip to the high school and back, both Sam and Castiel had remained silent through the car ride, and Castiel looked out the window, seemingly in deep thought on the way back to the house. 

As he pulled the car up to the front of the house, he turned looking at the other man. 

“Cas, Is everything okay? You’ve been really quiet.” 

“I’m fine Dean. Nothing is wrong. I assure you, if there was, I would tell you.” 

“Alright, as long as there’s nothing wrong.” He stepped outside the car and turned finding Castiel close to him. 

Castiel’s hand wrapping suddenly around his waist, he inhaled sharply at the unexpected way he was now pinned between the car and Castiel, but it didn’t last long as he looked into the ocean deep blue eyes.  

“Um, Cas, not that I’m not enjoying this, but we can’t stand like this-“his words were cut short when Castiel leant closer, and kissed him, his body pressing harder into his, and he groaned at the feeling of  Castiel's tongue brushing against his. There was no way he was ever going to get used to this overwhelming pleasure that raced down his spine. Kissing Castiel was like eating a freshly baked pie; it caused all the senses to go into a frenzy of activity. 

If they weren’t standing in the open, right outside the door, he would have pulled the other man back into his car and make him moan out his name. At the thought of that, he moaned into the man’s mouth and then pulled away to catch his breath, determined to get them far from the open driveway and into the house. 

“Cas, we can’t stay out here, Let’s get inside where it’s warm and private, what I’d like to do to you, wouldn’t be something that should be done with a bunch of witnesses.” He grinned as he saw Castiel’s eyes darken but then Castiel stepped back and looked disappointed. 

“Unfortunately, whatever it is you have in mind will have to wait. I have to do something, and you have the psychologist appointment in a couple of hours. 

He groaned at the reminder,   

  “Well, Maybe I could call in sick… then we would have all day. “ He said hopefully, he had already been thinking of cancelling the appointment. 

“I think Bobby would like to spend time with you today. Perhaps we can finish this later tonight?” Castiel smiled and leant in giving him a chaste kiss and then turned walking around the car and up to the front door. Leaving him standing open-mouthed, staring at the retreating back. 

He cleared his throat, “Er… Right… Yeah.” And followed him up to the front of the house. 

When he stepped inside he could hear Bobby and Gabriel talking from the kitchen, so he made his way through, watching Castiel retreat to the stairs, looking back to give him a quick nod and smile before continuing his way up. 

As he entered the kitchen, the two men stopped talking and turned looking at him. He smiled at the both of them and took the stool at the end of the bar. 

 “Morning Bobby.” He says cheerfully. 

“I wouldn’t say it’s good after being woken by you idjits fighting on the stairs,” Bobby grumbled, but a small smile played on his lips. 

“It’s good to see you and ya brother is still the same, but how about ya leave it until later in the day, an old man like me needs my sleep.” Bobby’s voice softened slightly and eyes crinkled as his smile broadened, losing all traces of any irritation of his early wake-up call. 

Dean chuckled and gave him his best apologetic look then asked, “So, What did you want to do today? I have an appointment at ten fifteen; I should be back by eleven thirty, did you want to go into town or something?” 

Bobby shook his head, “I thought maybe we would take a walk or something. We need to have a chat.” 

He nodded, “We can do that I guess.” He was nervous about what Bobby could possibly want to talk about. He hoped it was not about his trip to the hospital. He was already going to have to come up with some lies for the shrink already. He didn’t want to have to lie to Bobby, not when the man had been there in the past for him, but it wasn’t something he wanted to discuss with the older man. 

Dean leaned back in his chair, barely listening to the two other men talking as he thought about what he could expect at the appointment, He hadn’t taken the anti-depressants; it wasn’t something he wanted to rely on; He would have to lie if the shrink asked him about them, but other than that, he really had no clue just what was going to be asked of him during the appointment, and it made his stomach flip, causing him to feel moderately anxious. 

********************** 

He and Castiel managed to arrive at the psychologist office 10 minutes early, and he sat down on one of the waiting room chairs, filling out some forms. Once he had filled in his name, insurance details and the other unimportant details, he leaned back and began bouncing his knee, he was more nervous now than he was back at the house, the waiting was the worst of it all, watching people come in and out of the waiting room, doctors coming in and calling other people’s names. 

He began to bite his nails, and Castiel turned looking at him, raising an eyebrow, then leant over slightly to whisper in his ear. 

“Dean you have nothing to worry about, and I will be right here waiting for you. Relax before you bite your way through your whole fingernails.” He gently tugged at his sleeve, forcing him to lower his hand to his knee. He felt the other man’s hand slightly squeeze his own, but it didn't do anything to stop his stomach from flipping. 

"Mr Winchester?” A male voice filled the room, and he suddenly stood up at the call of his name, looking around to find a friendly casually dressed man standing in the room with a file in his hand.  

He heard a muffled hiss from beside him and looked down at Castiel, who was staring at the other man who had called his name. He was about to ask him what was wrong, but his name was called once again so he cleared his throat and half lifted his hand, “Er... That’s me.” He said.   

“Good morning, Follow me if you could, please.” The man continued to smile as he nodded and turned on his heel and walked out of view. 

Dean quickly followed behind, his hands becoming sweaty and his stomach somersaulting and his mouth felt suddenly dry. He turned towards Castiel, but they were down the hall, and a wall blocked his view. 

The man entered the room and then stood to the side of the door, his hand gesturing for him to go through, as he walked through he found himself in a small room, there were two comfortable looking chairs with throw pillows on them, and a desk with a computer, an office chair and a, what looked like a really uncomfortable chair. 

“Please Sit down Dean,” the man walked behind the desk and sat down, gesturing for him to do the same. 

The man waited for him to sit down before he continued to talk, still smiling genuinely at him. 

“I’m Dr Marks; Sarah referred you to me because as I understand it, you have had problems dealing with the death of your mother. Is that correct?” 

Shit, this was going to be really bad, really, really bad. 

He nodded and linked his fingers together, feeling really uncomfortable, which didn’t escape the man’s attention. 

“Dean, there is nothing to be worried about, I’m here to help you, I’m not here to judge you, or to make you uncomfortable.” The man said soothingly, all the while still smiling. 

He couldn’t say anything, his mouth felt too dry and his throat felt closed, So he just nodded again. 

“Okay then, first we need to do a questionnaire; it's quite simple; it's just answering simple questions about the past 7 days. I will give you a multi-choice answer, and you choose the one that best fits. Does that sound simple enough?” 

He nodded again. 

“Alright so let’s get started…  

In the last seven days, how often have you felt worthless? 

None of the time 

A little of the time 

Some of the time 

Most of the time 

Or 

All of the time? 

 He froze. He couldn't do this; he couldn't admit it out loud, and he swallowed hard and looked at his hands, trying to clear his throat, so he could respond. 

 

 “Dean, it’s alright, take your time but please answer the question as honestly as you can.” The man’s voice was soothing, and he looked up into the warm blue eyes and nodded. 

“Most of the time.” 

“That’s good Dean” the man encouragingly praised him and then clicked his computer mouse.   

“In the past seven days, how often did you feel hopeless? 

None of the time 

A little of the time 

Some of the time 

Most of the time 

Or 

All of the time? 

 

He felt the sting in the corner of his eyes and willed back any embarrassing spill of tears, blinking back as much as possible; these questions were hard to answer especially to someone else. There was something about the man, he was encouraging and kind, and he couldn't find a single cocky response to answer back with. He swallowed hard and cleared his throat. 

 

“Most of the time.” He responded hoarsely. 

 

“You’re doing well Dean.” 

 

He nodded and looked down at his hands once again; this was much harder than he had expected, he wished Castiel was there beside him, letting him feel the strength of the other man would help him answer these questions but, did he want him knowing how he felt? Of course, he had seen him that night in the bathroom, and of course, he had been there when Gabriel took the razor blade from his hands but speaking, admitting this stuff out loud made him feel vulnerable, more vulnerable than he had anticipated. 

He didn't hear the next question, and the doctor repeated the question again, 

 

“In the past seven days how often have, you had suicidal thoughts? 

None of the time 

A little of the time 

Some of the time 

Most of the time 

Or 

All of the time? 

 

He sighed and answered honestly, his voice breaking a little as he tried to hold on to the last ounce of dignity he had left. 

“All of the… time.” 

 

The questions continued for another 5 minutes, and then the doctor turned the screen towards him. 

 

“Alright, Dean, you did well. I know it wasn’t easy for you. Now, this here is your score, and this here is what is perceived as a normal range. As you can see, at the moment you are in the clinically depressed range, and we will work on changing this to fall within this standard range. Does that sound okay to you?” 

 

He couldn't see the screen. His vision blurred slightly; he felt emotionally exhausted, and they still had approximately 45 minutes left of the appointment. He nodded slightly as he stared at the screen. 

 

“Alright, so every time you come to an appointment, we will do the questionnaire, and we can compare them and see where we are heading, and see if the tools I will teach you have had any lasting positive effect. What I want to do now is get to know you a little; we can sit more comfortably in the chairs behind you. Alright?”   

 

He nodded numbly and stood as the other man stood up and then turned making his way to the more comfortable looking chairs behind him. 

 

“Alright, You’re doing Good.” The doctor praised him as he started a white looking timer on the table between them. 

 

“So, do you have any brothers or sisters?” 

 

“Yes, I have a brother.” 

 

“Is he older or younger?” 

 

“Younger.” He replied. This wasn’t too bad; it felt easier than those questions, and he watched as the man wrote down something on a clipboard. 

 

“What is your brother’s name?” 

 

“Sam.” 

 

“Thank you, You’re doing great. Your mum died when you were…?" 

 

“Thirteen.” He swallowed hard.

 

“And your brother was what age?” 

 

“He was nine.” 

 

He watched as the man took down more notes, then turned back to look at him, his eyes were warm but there was pity mixed into it, and he didn’t like it; he didn’t want pity; it wouldn’t bring his mom back. 

 

“After she died, who took care of you?” 

 

“My, um… my father took care of my brother and me.” 

 

The man hummed and wrote down more notes. 

 

“How was your father after your mother died?”   

    

“He- He was a grieving husband; he was messed up.” He felt irritated, what kind of the question was that? It was his wife. He would take it badly, and you would have to be cold-hearted not to feel sad about your wife dying. 

 

“Dean… I know it sounds like a silly question to ask, but the questions help construct a picture of what has happened, and it is imperative I ask about these things to create an accurate picture. I don’t mean to insinuate that anyone didn’t care, but there are different ways that people deal with the death of loved ones, you would be surprised at how many fall into denial and go on living as if the death never occurred. 

 

He just nodded. It made sense. He guessed, but it didn’t stop him feeling a little irritated. 

“In that case, my father didn’t act like my mom was still alive.” 

“Can you describe a little of how your father was? Again, this is just to gain a bigger picture. That's all.” 

 

He nodded and swallowed, he took his time to think about how much he should admit to about his father. 

 

“He changed. Dad use to be fun and loving, would always be smiling and cracking jokes, but after mum had died, he didn’t smile anymore; the twinkle in his eye was gone and replaced with emptiness. He started to drink, spent less time with Sam and me.” 

 

The doctor hummed in response and wrote more notes on his clipboard. 

 

“And how did that affect you and your brother?” 

 

He took some time to think about his answer. 

 

“I- I felt that I had to be the strong one, take care of the things that Dad couldn’t. Sam was nine; he was young, and he didn’t really understand why Dad was locking himself away in his room, or why he was coming home drunk. I helped Sam through it as much as I could, he missed mom so much, he would climb into my bed every night because he thought that I would disappear like our mom did, He needed to be reassured that I wasn't going anywhere. He missed both mom and dad, and I tried to make it easier for him.” 

 

He stopped abruptly when he realised he was saying more than he wanted to. He felt the bitter sting of fresh tears threatening to fall. 

 

Dr Marks leant forward and pulled a few tissues from a box in the middle of the table and handed them to him. 

 

“You’re doing well Dean…. And it’s okay to cry. It makes you human. It's a natural human reaction.” 

Dr Marks waited until he settled and had got a hold of his emotions before he continued 

 

“So you became somewhat like a parent to your brother?” 

“Yes, I suppose I did. Sam needed me; Dad needed me.” 

“What about you? Who did you need, Dean?”   

 “I needed no one, I- I needed to be strong for Dad and Sam. I could handle it.”

 “You’re such a strong person Dean, to go through your own grief and still be there to help your father and brother too.” 

“That’s what you do for your family, You stick together, and you stay strong and help them when they need it.” He automatically said, deflecting the Doctors compliments. 

Dr Marks hummed again and wrote more notes. 

“Alright, we’re almost out of time for today, next session; I want to split it into two parts. I want us to sit down and continue constructing the pictures that lead to what happened this year, but I also want to discuss ways to help you in the future, tools that you will be able to do whenever something gets too much for you. I will be giving you a little homework, nothing big, just an exercise to help you turn negatives into positives... Alright?” 

“Alright.” He felt relieved that the session was almost over; he gripped the chair to keep himself seated while all the fibres in his body screamed anxiously for him to get up and leave. He wanted to be near Cas; he wanted to feel his arms around him, to feel his strength soak into his very being. He just needed Cas. 

“Okay then, you have another appointment the same time next week with me, So I guess I will see you then. “ Dr Marks stood up first, extending his hand towards him; the warm smile was back, and he added, “You did really well today, Dean.” 

He reached forward and grasped the man’s hand in his and shook it slightly. 

“Thank you, See you next week.” He mumbled as he let go of his hand and stepped around the doctor and left the room, focusing hard on walking calmly down the hall even though his head was screaming for him to run out of there. He felt washed out, raw as if someone had peeled back his skin, exposing his emotions and then left them there with no healing balm to help cover them back up. 

 As he turned the corner, he stopped and stared at the man who was patiently sitting in the waiting room, hands on his knees, tapping his fingers. Castiel scanned the room and slowly his eyes fell on him, and Dean’s heart stuttered, threatening to stop.

He focused himself on walking casually, flashing a controlled “I’m okay, smile," and headed to the front desk.

He waited for the receptionist to come back with the papers he needed to sign, he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned finding Castiel looking at him silently questioning if he was okay. 

He smiled and nodded and turned back to the desk in front of him as the papers were pushed in front of him, signing where he was indicated to and turned leaving the building. 

He made his way outside and took several deep breaths, glad to be back outside and that whole nightmare for the week was over. 

“Are you alright Dean?” 

“Yeah, I'm okay. Let’s just get back home and away from here. I’ve had enough for one day.” 

He felt shaky as he fumbled to unlock the car door; a steady hand stopped his failing attempts to open the door, lightly holding it. 

“Dean, I will drive.” He turned finding Castiel close to him, and the man’s eyes told him that "no" was not an option. 

He reluctantly handed the keys to Castiel and stepped around to the other side of the car and waited for the door to be unlocked, once inside he collapsed back against the headrest and closed his eyes. 

He stayed quiet on the way back to the house; too exhausted to hold any conversation, he felt cold and washed out. He needed a drink; something that would numb the emotions that were far too raw and exposed.    


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally through this chapter... 
> 
> I will be quickening up the days in a few chapters... hopefully, there is a lot to add to this story and at this rate I'll be here until next year on the first month, there are many things that need to be set up before i can move it along a bit faster. 
> 
> I hope it's not too boring!

Castiel hovered a little behind Dean as they both walked up to the front door, unsure what he should do for him. He had promised Dean that he wouldn't worry about him today, but he looked so shattered.   
His colour still hadn't returned to his face, and his eyes were dull. Something apparently upset him. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the keys and opened the door, allowing Dean to step inside first. 

He stood for a moment watching Deans retreating back as he made his way up to his room, without saying a word to him.   
He sighed and entered the kitchen, he needed to explain to Bobby that today wouldn't be the best day to talk to Dean about Demons and Angels. He also wanted to speak to Gabriel about who he had seen at the psychologist office, then go to make sure Dean was okay, that was, for the time being, his top priority.   
He headed into the kitchen to find Bobby and Gabriel looking through some books.   
“So how did the headshrinker appointment go, Cassie?” 

“I don’t know… I don’t think it went well. Dean hasn't said much since he came out. He doesn't look well.” He turned towards Bobby, 

“I don’t think today would be a good time to speak to Dean about anything. I’m not sure if he would take any of it in, and if he does… I’m not certain it will be received very well. Perhaps we should try to speak to him tomorrow, or the weekend.” 

Bobby nodded, and he turned his attention back to Gabriel. 

“I don’t understand why, or how, but the prophet is Dean’s Psychologist.” 

 “Cassie, there aren't any prophets activated right now, and there is a whole list of them ranging from six months right up to eighty-nine years old, which one specifically?” 

“Chuck Shurley” 

“Chuck? You must have it wrong; he’s the writer. He’s not a shrink.” 

“I know. However, I checked up on him; he goes by the name Charles Marks. He is a completely qualified clinical and forensic psychologist.” 

“Well, maybe you boys have got the wrong man.” Bobby inputted. Both he and Gabriel turned and looked at Bobby, flabbergasted. 

“We don’t make those kinds of mistakes. We have the names of every prophet seared into our memories.” He pointed out. 

“Yeah, but the man you're talking about isn't named Chuck Shurley is he?” Bobby countered 

“No, he isn't.” He replied with a frown; it had to be the same man. 

“I will investigate further later. I have to go. Dean’s upstairs, and I want to make sure he is okay.” 

He turned and walked out of the kitchen before either of them could respond and didn't bother taking the stairs, preferring to be there faster. He tried to keep the flutter of his wing's quiet; so Dean wouldn't hear the odd noise and question it, but it was still too loud to his ears. He waited a moment inside his own room, seeing if Dean would step outside to seek out the cause of the noise. Dean never appeared so he made his way to Dean's door and knocked quietly, and then waited until he heard Dean’s voice. 

“Come in Cas.” His voice sounded muffled, which caused him to frown as he turned the doorknob and looked over at the bed, quietly shutting the door behind him, then made his way over to stand beside a large mound of what must have been Dean beneath the blankets. He stood looking down at the blankets frowning, should he leave and give him some time alone? He could leave and keep an eye on him, or he could just ask him. 

“Dean… Do you want me to stay with you or would you prefer to be on your own?” he asked gently, tugging slightly at the blankets and then waited for the response. 

“No, Cas Stay, please. I just need a minute. “The muffled voice came from beneath the blankets. 

“Alright. I will just wait here.” He stood looking down at the blanket mound, frowning. He could hear Dean's sniffling, and the pile began to move. Then the blankets were pulled back slowly until the side he would usually lie was exposed. He took that as a sign that he should go and sit beside him; he toed off his shoes and shrugged off his trench coat, laying it neatly at the bottom of the bed. 

He returned to the head of the bed and slid in between the blankets and sheet, the moment he shifted into place Dean scooted closer, so he lifted his arm and waited for Dean to shuffle the rest of the way, settling down against his side. He dropped his arm around Dean’s shoulder and began caressing his arm with his fingertips and thumb.   
Thirty minutes passed, and Dean remained quiet, resting his cheek against Castiel’s chest while he drew circles on his upper arm. It was a peaceful silence, companionable, and he was prepared to stay the way they were until Dean was ready to talk, or get out of bed and do something. He made a promise not to worry or ask if he was okay, so he patiently allowed Dean to direct how things would go. 

As another hour passed Dean remained silent and still, except for his thumb and index finger fidgeting with Castiel’s button-down shirt. 

Castiel heard the front door open, then close quietly, voices of both Bobby and Gabriel quickly fading as they walked away from the house. There was a rumble of a car engine startup. The house fell silent, only the odd creak of the rafters above them could be heard.   
He shifted his body, just a bit to face into Dean a little more. Finally, Dean moved closer and looked up towards him. He noticed that Dean’s eyes were red, so he had been crying before he got there. Castiel cursed under his breath at himself for speaking with Gabriel and Bobby instead of following Dean up. 

Dean smiled slightly, almost like he was shy. It was on the tip of his tongue; he wanted to ask Dean if he was alright, but instead, he dragged his teeth over his bottom lip, holding back the words. 

However, Dean surprised him with a chuckle, and he looked down curiously at the man nestled between his arm and chest and raised his eyebrow. “You look like you want to say something, but unsure whether to.” 

“I did; I wanted to ask if you were feeling okay, but I made a promise that I wouldn't worry and ask you, so I’m trying not to.” He might as well be honest about it, after all, isn't he asking if he’s okay without actually breaking his promise? 

“Cas, I’m alright; I have been just a bit shaken by all the questions he asked. I will be okay. I promise.” Dean looked up, and he didn't trust the words that would leave his mouth, so he did the next thing he had thought about and gave him a chaste kiss on his forehead, which caused a loud chuckle to come from the younger man. 

“Thanks’ Granny.” 

He didn't understand why he was being called a granny and cocked his head to the side, confused when he found no fourth coming explanation, he decided he would ask. 

“I don’t understand why you would call me granny.” Which caused the younger man’s shoulders to shake with mirth as he looked up, mouth clenched closed and his eyes sparkling. He continued to stare down at him, waiting for the explanation, enjoying the light that had sparked in Dean’s eyes.   
Finally, Dean cleared his throat, “Granny’s kiss cheeks and foreheads.” Dean said while trying to hold back a grin. 

“Oh, I see. Well, Do Grannies give kisses like this?” He lowered his head slowly and brushed his mouth against Dean’s briefly, allowing his tongue to swipe across them before straightening himself again. He watched the surprise and then a blush run up Dean’s cheeks before Dean looked down again, hiding his face from view, muffling almost too quietly to hear, “Um… No. They don’t.” 

Dean looked up again, moving so he was eye level and then leant on his elbow.   
“You know; we have unfinished business from earlier….” Dean’s voice trailed off as his cheeks turned a deeper shade of red. 

Castiel’s brow furrowed as he thought about what Dean was referring to, but he didn't find the answers. What business was he talking about? They didn't do any business. Dean watched him for a few seconds biting his lower lip, then sighed loudly. 

“Maybe you need your memory jogged,” Dean said mischievously as he leant in and tilted his head, eyes closing slowly as his lips met Castiel’s hesitantly; swiping his tongue across his mouth.  

 

Castiel's eyes widened as he started to understand what Dean had been referring to and felt the hardening of his erection. He, in one fluid move, lifted himself and turned, pushing Dean against the bed as he hovered above him. 

“I’m still not clear on what you’re talking about Dean.” He said teasingly, dipping down to swipe his own tongue into Dean’s mouth. “Maybe I need more of my memory jogged.” His voice deepening as he leant down and brushed his tongue against Deans. 

Dean responded by bringing his hand up to the back of Castiel’s neck, holding him firmly in place, his fingers buried in Castiel’s hair, tugging slightly while the other hand gripped at Castiel’s waist. He groaned into the younger man’s mouth and began trailing his tongue and lips below Dean’s jawline, down to his neck. Dean lifted his chin, allowing him to access the soft flesh beneath, and he could feel Dean’s pulse beat against his mouth, hearing Dean moaning softly when he licked a small strip against his pulse, becoming louder when he gently nipped at his skin. 

Okay, Dean liked that, he licked and nipped a few more times before moving back to kiss him, enjoying the sounds that he was eliciting from the younger man. 

Dean’s hand trailed around between their bodies and began to palm the front of Castiel’s trousers, feeling the firm hardness of his erection; it was now his turn to moan loudly as the friction caused small spurts of pleasure to run through him. He shifted himself so that he leant against the mattress beside Dean, and began to trail his one hand down Dean’s chest slowly as he kissed him. His tongue dipping deeper into Dean’s mouth then lightly nipping at his lip every so often as Dean continued to palm him through his trousers. 

He trailed lower down Dean’s body until his hand reached the other man’s belt and began to leisurely unbuckle it, gasping as a tingling sensation started to build through the length of his erection. He pulled back long enough to stop Dean in his tracks before he made a mess of his boxers and trousers, gasping out the words as Dean’s hand continued his onslaught. 

“Dean if you don’t stop that…... I’m going to…... I’m going to cum in my clo-“. He gasped as he began to throb from the constant friction; he wasn't ready yet, not until Dean was ready to cum with him. He withdrew his hips quickly out of the way, leaving Dean's hand searching the empty air. He chuckled at Dean’s sounds of displeasure and leant down to kiss the sounds away while he continued to undo Dean’s trousers. 

As soon as he had them undone, he turned his attention to his own pants undoing them with less finesse; urgently needing the material gone. He pushed and tugged at his clothes until they were down as far as he could reach with his hands, and then groaned in frustration before using his feet to remove the offending articles the rest of the way. He thought of using his grace, but it was a big risk to take; the probability of being caught was far too high. 

Once he was free of his clothes he sighed happily, manoeuvring himself to hover above Dean, turning his attention back to removing Dean’s trousers and Boxers, determined to keep their mouths connected and only pulling away when he needed air.  He took hold of Dean’s pants and boxers by the waistbands and slowly drew them down past his hips and thighs until he couldn't anymore. Dean chuckled and lifted his legs and removed them the rest of the way.   
Castiel pulled back and sat on his heels and quickly removed his shirt, tossing it to the side. He paused once he was done; watching as Dean lifted his own shirt and threw it onto the ground. He stared down at the man lying below him on the bed; eyes darkened and glazed; his lips red and swollen. His eyes trailed slowly down Dean’s body, taking in every inch of his form and committing it to memory. 

Dean was a masterpiece. A masterpiece he wanted to touch and taste every inch of and watch as Dean fell apart at the seams.   
He felt his cock throb, and he groaned inwardly and lowered himself to lay flush against Dean’s side, his fingers skimming over Dean's body; over his abdomen, and down through the short curls of hair, down one thigh and back up the other. Dean shivered and groaned and lifted his hips up. He chuckled under his breath and captured Dean’s mouth with his again as he dragged his fingers gently up and down the length of Dean's arousal; moaning at the feeling of the smooth, silky skin beneath his fingertips.   

Dean moaned softly and reached his hand towards Castiel’s arousal; hesitating momentarily before moving in slow, fluid strokes up and then down the length of him, running his thumb over the head; collecting the beads of pre-cum as he did. Castiel moaned into Dean’s mouth and wrapped his own fingers around Dean’s length, moving his hand at a slow leisurely pace. He moaned and gasped as Dean gripped him tighter and quickened his pace, he could feel the orgasm building from the base to the tip of his erection and could feel Deans becoming harder as he increased the speed, Dean’s own hand movements matching his. 

Castiel gasped as the pleasure built up stronger and tucked his face against Dean’s neck, sucking and licking at where Dean’s pulse lay beneath the skin and heard a sharp gasp from the other man. The sounds of Deans moans and gasps caused everything to tingle until it felt like he would erupt; he sucked in a gulp of air, barely able to whisper hoarsely into Dean’s ear. 

“Dean, I’m close… if you don’t stop; I’m going to finish before you,” Dean let out a loud moan and arched his back and hips, causing him to thrust himself into Castiel’s hand; his body tensed and shuddered as he felt the hot liquid coating his fingers and Dean’s chest. That did it for him; he felt the sudden jolt of tingles run through his body as he fell into his own orgasm, creating sounds he had never known he could make before.   
As the orgasm subsided, he collapsed back and slowly turned looking at Dean, who was lying exhausted next to him, still running through the last bit of his orgasm.   
“I think I remember now.” He said smiling at Dean.   
Dean let out a loud chuckle, “Yeah?”   
   
“Yeah.” He grinned, leaning forward to give Dean a chaste kiss before straightening back up again, Dean shuffled himself closer, Castiel lifted his arm and rested it on Dean’s shoulder, his thumb unconsciously smoothly circling part of Dean’s skin. 

They lay quiet for around 10 minutes and only moved when they heard three doors of a car open and shut, and then the front door opened, and Sam’s voice could be heard as he spoke excitedly about whatever it was he did at school. 

“We’d better get out of bed and get dressed. I haven’t spent much time with Sam, and I feel like a lousy brother for it.” Dean quietly spoke as if trying to keep his voice down so the others wouldn't hear him. 

“Alright, maybe you should clean up first, though.” He looked down at Dean’s chest, both had forgotten to clean up the mess while they basked in the euphoria of the afterglow, but it had now cooled and dried on his chest. 

“Uh… Yeah, I will take a shower.” Dean said as he made to move, but Castiel pulled him back for one last kiss before they had to both get up and resume their daily life.   
Dean sat up lazily and groaned, cracking his neck as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up. Castiel didn't look away as he watched Dean moved towards the bathroom, transfixed by the perfect ass that was almost hypnotic as Dean walked. 

“Cas?” 

“Yes?” He answered distractedly. 

“Are you checking out my ass?” 

“Uh… Yes, I might be.” He replied grinning.   
Dean chuckled, “Well instead of lying there perving, come with me; you should get cleaned up too.”   
He hesitated for a second. He was just going to use his grace to clean up, but as he glanced up and met Deans gaze; seeing the sparkle still bright in the deep green eyes. He grinned and pushed the blankets aside. He hadn’t felt the water run over his vessel's body since he had been briefly human, and it would give them more time together before they had to go downstairs, back to the harsher reality of what was happening. 

He slowly got to his feet and followed Dean into the bathroom, standing completely devoid of any clothing, side by side outside the shower, waiting silently for the water to heat up; he felt the unfamiliar sensation in his stomach fluttering. He had never been so bare in front of Dean. Even though not more than 20 minutes ago they were both unclothed on the bed; blankets were surrounding them, they were lost to the heat of the moment. Now they stood side by side, naked, exposed; no heat of passion distracting them. He scanned Dean’s body, followed the lines and contours of the muscles that sculptured his body into hard lean lines and felt the heat pooling in his stomach, felt his body becoming aroused again.  

Dean glanced over at him smiling, his green eyes taking in his naked form.   
He watched those eyes track down over his abdomen, over his hips and then a slow self-assured smirk tugged at his lips. He followed Deans gaze, feeling the heat rising in his cheeks. He was once again fully aroused; he glanced back up at Dean, smiling shyly. He didn't like how the human body betrayed him, how his thoughts could not remain separate. 

Dean chuckled quietly as he stepped into the shower and reached out to take Castiel's hand, tugging lightly until he stepped inside. He peered up into soft green eyes through his lashes, blinking the water away as Dean’s hand gently, unsteadily stroked against his cheek, and he sucked in a breath, feeling the gentle strokes, the slow, unhurried movements and leant into the hand. This was a side of Dean, whom he hadn’t seen in a long time, a side that was so gentle and caring; pouring all his emotions into his eyes and touches. 

He couldn’t look away from Dean’s eyes. He could all but stare into the deep abyss of green until Dean leant slowly towards him and brushed his lips against his before straightening back up. He could see the watery gaze as he smiled warmly down at him. 

“Cas, Thank you.” Dean whispered, “Thank you for coming into my life, for taking Sam and me into your home, for caring about me, for helping me. My world was filled with darkness. I couldn’t see the light, then you came; you reached down and pulled me out of the pit; you shone a light into my soul. You’re my Guardian Angel. “ 

Before he could respond, he was pulled into a strong hug, which he was thankful for. He felt his throat close up and the prickle of tears welling in the corner of his eyes, a feeling that was so unfamiliar to him. A sound snapped him out of his own emotional moment. Dean's chin rested against his shoulder, and he could hear him sobbing quietly, could feel the movement of Dean’s hand wiping something from his face. 

“Dean? Are you alright?” 

Dean pulled back with a small laugh, sniffing and looked down at him. “Yeah, Yeah I’m fine Cas; I'm not upset. I’m alright; I promise.” 

He picked up the bar of soap and began to lather up his hands, looking down at him.   
“It’s my turn to take care of you, turn around.” He said with a soft smile. 

He did as Dean said and turned his back to him, he could feel warm hands glide across his shoulders and work their way lower on his back, cross to his hips and down his thighs. He closed his eyes at the soft strokes of Dean’s hands and felt goosebumps start to rise, and a shiver ran down his spine as Dean's palms smoothed over his buttocks. He startled a little when Dean spoke close to his ear, which caused another shiver to run the length of his spine.   
“Cas, look at me.” 

He turned around; Dean stood quietly, watching him as he once again lathered up his hands, leaning forward to kiss him and nip at his bottom lip and then lowered himself. His eyes never leaving Castiel until he was kneeling in front of him and smoothing his hands across his calves, massaging gently, he closed his eyes again, trying to keep his breathing even as new fantasies took form. 

Deans' hands travelled up one thigh and down the other, moving across and up to his inner thigh, his breath hitched as Dean’s knuckles brushed against his testicles, and he heard a small chuckle. He opened his eyes looking down, suddenly unable to exhale as green eyes stared up at him, smiling. He couldn't look away; he licked his bottom lip and bit down lightly, trying to quell the images that flashed through his mind as Dean’s face was just a couple of inches away from his throbbing, sensitive arousal. Dean raised his hand and smoothed it up one thigh again, keeping his eyes trained on Castiel's, moving slowly to stroke his now throbbing erection. He sucked in a quick inhale of air at the touch.   
“Is this okay Cas?” Dean asked gently, waiting for permission, He wanted to respond, but he couldn't find the words, so he resorted to nodding. 

Dean brought his other hand up slowly, rubbing circles with his thumb across his other thigh, and gripped the base of his length as the other hand moved in languid strokes. He finally closed his eyes letting out a gasping moan at the sensation that Dean’s soapy hands caused. His eyes opened and widened as he felt Dean’s tongue run the length of his erection, it had taken him off guard.    
 

The sensation made his toes curl, and he held on to the shower tap to keep himself standing, he looked down just as Dean covered the head of his cock with his mouth, and he couldn't stop the filthy moan that escaped. He fell back against the tiles and concentrated on keeping himself on his feet, as he felt the hot, wet sensation wrap around him, slowly taking more of his length before the heat retreated and then thrust forward again, each time taking more and more with a strangely pleasurable pulling, sucking sensation. He could feel the tingling begin; intensifying quickly and he could barely utter a sound to warn Dean. “D- De- Dean… I…. “He couldn't say anything else, but Dean understood and pulled back, gently licking across the head of his erection, his hands gripping his length firmly and began a quick gliding motion, his hands twisting slowly in different directions. Castiel couldn't hold on and thrust forward into Dean’s hands as he felt himself jump off the edge and fall into an intense orgasm that made his legs buckle beneath him.   
Dean held his hips to help support him as he slid down the tiles, his muscles turning to jelly, arms heavy. He opened his eyes as the orgasm melted away, and he couldn't help but smile. Dean was still kneeling in front of him, grinning.   
“Was that okay?” Dean asked with a smirk. 

“Ye-Yes. That was… that was… Amazing…” He said breathlessly.   
He had no idea that fellatio felt so amazing; he finally understood why humans enjoyed giving and receiving to one another. 

He grinned and pulled Dean towards him, causing the younger man to straddle his legs.   
He leant forward and up to kiss him, feeling Dean’s own arousal pushing against his abdomen. He reached down and began to stroke him leisurely and smiled to himself as Dean responded in a low moan. He pulled him closer to him and released his mouth and began to kiss, nip and suck down the expanse of Dean's chest while he, little by little, started to manoeuvre Dean and himself until he was hovering above him. It was not as comfortable as it would be laying on the bed, he could feel his knees protesting against the tiles, but he ignored it. He would heal them later if there were any pain, for now, he wanted to give Dean what he had given him and more. 

He continued to kiss and nip across Dean’s abdomen, and then down to his pelvis, lingering at the hip bone. Nipping and licking, loving the small whimpers as he ghosted slowly down his thigh, and across to the inside and up until he reached the underside of his cock; bringing his lips so close that he could feel the heat of his skin against his mouth and then slowly move down lower. He looked up to lock eyes with Dean as he gently tasted his skin, lapping quickly and replacing it with his mouth, tenderly kissing back up the length until he reached the tip; he had seen this done before when he was a younger Angel, curious with Human procreation. He had seen how the human males enjoyed it. 

He licked gently across the head testing the taste of him. It wasn't like the flavours of the food; it wasn't as overwhelming; which he decided, he liked. He stroked up and down the length a few times before taking him into his mouth, making sure to keep his teeth out of the way, slowly drawing him more and more until he reached the back of his throat and then bobbed his head up and down, sucking hard. He looked up again, and kept his eyes on Dean as he continued to move, faster and faster, Dean moaned and gasped, tugging at his hair. He could tell Dean was close. He brought his hand around to massage his testicles. Dean let out a loud moan and stiffened, throwing his head back and hips up. He felt the force of Dean’s cum hit the back of his throat, felt the heat as he swallowed and kept moving until Dean begun to soften.He pulled back, sitting back on his heels, taking in the sight of Deans relaxed, sated body, feeling pleased with himself, then moved up to lie beside Dean, grinning.   

 “Was that Okay?” He echoed the same words Dean had asked him.   
Dean opened his eyes and lazily smiled…   
“That was… that was awesome.” He chuckled and pulled Castiel down and kissed him gently and sighed, “I think, though, we really should get cleaned up and get dressed. I’m sure someone will come looking for us soon.” 

“I think you might be right.” He sighed and stood up, helping Dean to his feet. 

“I’ll go and get dressed and meet you downstairs.” He said, Dean nodded, and he reached up to give him a chaste kiss, then stepped out of the shower. He looked back and smiled before opening and walking through the door into the bedroom.

 Castiel found his clothes that were thrown around the room and quickly got dressed, using his grace to dry himself and went down the stairs. He followed the sound of the voices through the kitchen and found the scene rather comforting. It felt more like the other timeline except Sam wasn't a danger to himself or others; he didn't have any demon blood in him, the sight of the hunter smiling as he talked to Sam made him realise just how much he had missed seeing them like that. 

Gabriel was the first to notice his appearance, and he felt his face heat up as Gabriel stared at him, open-mouthed and then, a slow grin began to form, and then Gabriel winked at him. He felt the blush deepen in his cheeks, so he averted his eyes to Sam and Bobby, hoping they hadn't seen the exchange between him and Gabriel. He made his way to the far side of the kitchen and leant against the counter, not wanting to interrupt Bobby and Sam. He started to relax as Gabriel turned his attention back to Bobby and Sam and his thoughts turned inward, to what had happened in the bedroom and shower with Dean and how his body felt heavy and relaxed. His thoughts didn't get too far. He tracked the movement in the corner of his eye and watched as Dean came into the room humming a tune that he had never heard; He turned towards him and smiled; it was great seeing Dean happy and relaxed. Dean kept his eyes trained on him as he strode over and joined him, leaning against the counter, nudging him with his hip before turning to Sam. 

“How was your day at school Sam?” 

All eyes turned towards Dean, and Castiel knew what they were all thinking, except Sam.   
Sam didn't know what had happened earlier and how upset Dean had been; Gabriel just grinned and raised his eyebrow knowingly, and Bobby glanced at Castiel, cocking an eyebrow. He shrugged and smiled at Bobby. He would come up with an explanation for the quick change in Dean but for now; he wanted to enjoy this small moment where Dean was cheerful, it didn't happen often enough. 

**************************** 

"Mr Sellers confirmed that he has sent his letter of recommendation, it’s just waiting at the moment for more information.” Sam stood grinning sounding more excited about the Advanced Placement. 

“That’s great Sam! I’m so glad you changed your mind.”   
Sam hummed in agreement, and he could feel all eyes on him. He didn't like it, was being enthusiastic about something alien?   
He looked over at Gabriel and Bobby and smiled; Gabriel smirked at him and wiggled his eyebrows.   
“I… Er… I need to call Vince. I will be back.” He offered a quick smile and left the kitchen, Did Gabriel know? He felt the heat rush to his cheeks instantly at the memories of Cas; he didn’t know what got into him, it just felt right, felt like something fell into place, and the emptiness he felt in his chest was slowly filling in. He felt almost whole.   
He took the stairs two steps at a time, pushing the thoughts aside; he needed to call Vince and organise going back to work so he could afford to pay for Sam’s exams and lessons.   
He reached his bedroom and found his mobile sitting on the set of drawers, so he picked it up and scanned his contacts until he found the number he needed and pressed to call. It only took a few rings before the phone was picked up on the other side.   

 “Vince’s auto repairs, how may I help you?” 

“Hey Vince, It’s me, Dean. I'm back out of the hospital, and I was hoping that you would have some shifts for me.” 

“Dean! How are ya feeling man? Is everything good now?” 

“Yeah, yeah everything’s good. I’m healthy as an Ox… so what about those shifts?” 

“I have someone covering your shifts; I need to give em a weeks’ notice... how would coming back next Thursday morning sound? It’s only for a week before the garage closes for Christmas though.” 

“That sounds perfect! Thanks, man! “ 

“No problem Dean, Hey, What happened anyway? Your brother called and said you wouldn't be in work because you were in the hospital. I was going to go and visit you, but your brother told me you couldn't have visitors. “ 

“I… um… Yeah, I was sick with some virus and them… um… had to put me into an induced coma while I fought it. Thanks for being so understanding about it; I really appreciate still having a job to come back to.” 

“As if I’d be able to replace you. You, after all, know your way around a car better than any other person I've seen around here, including the one who is covering your shifts right now. I tell ya, I’m replacing tools every few days... I had a customer return a wrench that had been wedged between the battery and the car body. Besides all that man, the customers love you. They have been asking about ya for the last month. I’ll be happy when ya back under the hood. “ 

Dean laughed. “Well I gotta go, Vince, I guess I’ll see you next Thursday..." 

“Alright, take care of yourself, Dean. We need you back her-“ There was a loud sound of something falling in the background. He heard Vince huff out a growl. “Oi! What have I bloody told ya about carrying that without a trolley? I got to go. Please, hurry up back Dean…”   
He chuckled into the phone. “Okay, Bye Vince.” He disconnected the call, shaking his head and let out a chuckle and made his way back down to the kitchen, tucking his phone into his pocket, grinning to himself. 

Everyone turned, facing him as he entered. “Good news, I spoke to Vince; I start back to work next Thursday. “ He couldn't hide his smile; things were starting to be normal, at least as much as it could be at the moment.   
It felt good knowing he would be able to pay for the AP exams and not have to worry about the money for Christmas presents. He had some money tucked aside from his last wage, but that would have only covered the Christmas presents. Now he didn't have to worry about making it stretch any further. 

Bobby beamed at him and nodded. “Good for you, boy, now did ya want to go out for a walk?” 

“Oh, yeah sure! Sam, are you coming?” he looked over to find Sam rummaging in his backpack. 

“No, I can’t. I have to study for math's test on Friday, and I have history homework to do which Gabriel said he would help me with." 

“Alright... what about you Cas?” 

“I can’t Dean. I have some things to do, and I’m sure both you and Bobby have a lot of catching up to do, but I’d like to speak with Bobby before you leave… if that’s alright…. Bobby?” Dean watched suspiciously as Castiel nodded towards the door that eventually led to the back garden.  

Bobby and Castiel set off through the doors. He turned and slumped himself onto a stool and turned and found Gabriel grinning at him. 

“What?” he asked, feeling the heat rise in his cheeks. 

“Oh, nothing, just nice seeing my brother looking.... relaxed, you too. Did you have a... pleasant rest?” 

“Uh…” He unconsciously rubbed his hand across the back of his neck and stood up and left the room, hearing Gabriel chuckle behind him and then Sam asking what it was all about as he shouted back into the kitchen.   
“Tell Bobby I’m gonna hang out front.” He briskly made his way out the front door and down to his car. 

As he leant against his car and turned up his collar of his leather jacket, he turned and saw that the truck hadn't moved, the trailer was still attached, and he slowly walked towards it, he didn't know why he was. He didn't want to be near the Impala, but his feet kept going anyways. 

He reached the front of the trailer and saw a small part of the front grill hanging from where it was damaged. He swallowed hard, and took another step to the side and began walking down the side of the trailer, staring up at the blue covering. He could almost see the damage that the car had taken; it was burnt into his memory.   
He stopped short and faced it. He didn't’ want to do this… he didn't want to be confronted with it, but something in him wanted to pull back the cover and look at her. He felt the panic begin to rise even as his hand outstretched and fingers brushed against the covering, he clenched his jaw as he took a good grip of it and lifted it, looking beneath it at a small part of the side of the car. 

He took several deep breaths and grounded himself, No. He couldn't do it. He dropped the cover back down and turned around to find Bobby standing near the front door, quietly watching him intently, and then he let out of huff of air and strode quickly towards him. 

“So, I guess ya not ready to see her yet?” Bobby asked as he closed the distance between them. 

“Uh… No… not yet... I just can’t….” He trailed off and began to step away, putting as much distance between himself and the car as he could. 

Bobby nodded and turned towards the trees that edged the grounds marking the end of the property and the beginning of the wooded area, and then started a slow stroll towards them.   
Dean caught up with him and walked beside him, they both remained quiet as they made their way to the edge of the property and into the trees. 

   
"You sure everything is alright?” Bobby slowed down and turned facing him, seeming to search his expression for anything that would give him the answer. 

   
He sighed and looked back at the trees around them, taking his time to answer. He didn't want to lie to Bobby, not after everything he had done for both him and Sam, but he didn't want to get into too much detail about everything. He turned back to look at him, and smiled reassuringly, “Yeah, Bobby. I'm fine. It’s been rough, but I’m getting there, slowly. Cas and Gabe have been really good, helping both Sam and me. I guess I've been trying to be strong for Sam for too long. I know I need to take the time to let it go, to let what happened... “He couldn't finish the sentence and so turned back to look into the forest. 

   
Bobby seemed to understand, and he could see the older man nod and turn back to the trail and begin to walk again. 

   
“How did you cope with the guilt you felt when your wife died?”   
“Truthfully?”   
“yeah.”   
“I didn't. Not for a long time, I drank myself stupid and gained the reputation of the town's drunk. Time helped, but the guilt’s still there, but I keep myself busy. I found something that helped me to focus on other things. That’s what you gotta find, Something that will keep you focused on the now not the past. Somethin’ you’re passionate about.” 

   
He stayed quiet for some time, thinking over what Bobby had said, keeping himself distracted wasn't easy, and the heavyweight in the bottom of his stomach was a permanent reminder of what happened and what he could have done. He didn't have anything he was more passionate about than taking care of Sam, and that hadn't helped. 

   
“I don’t have anything that I feel passionate about.” He murmured breaking the silence between them. 

   
“There's something, now son I know it’s hard. I remember the first time I had to face hunting again. It was hard, but once I got over that barrier. It was easier. There's something you’re passionate about, something you always have been since you were little. “Bobby trailed off, seeming to weigh his next words carefully.  

  
“  
 

 

What Bobby? What is it?” he asked cautiously. He didn't like how carefully Bobby weighed up his answer. It was something that Bobby knew would obviously upset him. This was going to be bad. 

 “The Impala.” 

   
He sucked in a sharp inhale of air and stopped in front of the older man. “What? No. There is no way I’m going near that Bobby; I can’t. “ 

   
“Listen to me boy, Yes you can. You're just afraid for. That's all. What harm can it do to look at her? “ 

   
“No! There is no way in hell Bobby. I would rather sell my soul to the devil than look at her. That car is a reminder of everything I lost, everything I did wrong! A reminder that mom isn't here and dads went off drinking his life away. I just can’t.” 

   
“Now boy! That’s enough. Do you think it’s easy for anyone to look at their demons straight in the eyes and not go an run? Do ya think I'd be here now if I kept running? There were times where I thought about putting a round into my skull and end it all right there, but I didn't. Running away ain't the answer son and the Impala… Ya daddy told me how you would hang that toy car on the tree, and I saw that she is hung there now. I saw that look in your eyes, the wistful look when I came out the house, I saw the way you wanted to touch her… Jus’ sleep on it. She’s not the demon ya need to fight against.”   
Bobby stared at him, waiting for his answer. He didn't know. He was aware that what he said was true, but even the thought of it made his chest tighten and something inside scream out in fear. He couldn't do it. Not right now anyway, not yet. 

   
“Fine! I’ll think about it.” He snapped out, huffing a breath and walking forward not waiting for the older man to catch up.   
They walked in silence for the rest of the time. He slowly cooled down and began to enjoy the quiet with only the sounds of birds in the trees to fill in the silence, as it started to get dark they circled back towards the house, and slowly his mood picked up at the thought of spending time with Castiel. It was easy being around him. He was patient, caring and there was something about him that when he was near him, he felt a bit better, felt like everything would somehow turn out well. 

   
As they reached the house, he could smell the aromas of onions, and his stomach rumbled, he couldn't remember when he last ate something and quickened his pace into the kitchen and looked around. Castiel was standing beside Gabriel, chopping tomatoes as Gabriel placed a thick burger patty into the frying pan. 

   
“Ah, Dean-o you’re back. Cassie has been moping the whole time you have been gone, staring at the clock.” 

   
Castiel’s eyes widened and protested, clicking his tongue. “That is not true Gabe. I asked if you needed a hand.” 

   
Gabriel chuckled. “Yeah, Okay, whatever you say bro.” 

   
He took the stool closer to Castiel and watched as he quickly sliced through the tomatoes, not taking more than a millisecond before taking a new one and starting over.   
“Do you cook much Cas? “He asked, amazed at how easily he did it. 

   
“No, not really,” He looked up and smiled at him, “Gabriel’s the one who seems to like cooking.” he looked back down and continued to cut the tomatoes into perfect, even slices. 

   
“Did you have a lovely afternoon with Bobby?” 

   
“Ugh, yeah, it was good. So how the hell can you cut them so perfectly? When I cut them, they are uneven and thick.” It was incredible precision, and he couldn't take his eyes away from the chopping board.   
“I guess it’s a gift.” Was all that Castiel offered, and he just hummed in agreement; he wasn't sure if there was anything Castiel couldn't do. 

 “Well, I’m gonna go get changed out of these Jeans and dry out these shoes. The trail wasn't as worn as we thought.” He grumbled and watched as Castiel’s hands slowed down and looked up to find dark-blue eyes staring at him, was he turning Cas on? He could have some fun with that, but maybe not while he was using a sharp knife so close to his fingers. 

   
He turned in his stall to face the way he would be going and winked at him while Gabriel’s back was to them both. He hopped off the stool and left the room, taking two steps at a time, still grinning to himself as he entered his room, making quick work of removing his Jeans and slipping on a pair of track pants. 

   
He laid back on the bed, planning to rest for a short time before he went back downstairs; however, 5 minutes later, he was drifting blissfully through deep-blue eyes and Angel's wings as he slept peacefully with a smile playing on his lips. 

 


	14. Chapter 14

 

He woke with a start when he felt someone pressing warm lips against his, and his eyes flew open to find dark-blue eyes staring down at him; sparkling. A smile spread up, causing the corners of the blue eyes to crinkle. 

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel greeted him warmly, sitting back on his heels. 

"Hi," he replied, not able to keep from smiling. “I could get used to being woken in this way.” He grinned causing Castiel’s smile to widen. 

"Dinners ready; the others have eaten already."   
 

He shook the fog from his head and sat up looking through the window. It was dark outside, and he turned looking back at Castiel. "How long have I been out?"   
 

"About two hours."  

"Ugh, I only wanted to rest before dinner. Where're the others?" 

"Bobby is in his room; reading, Sam is doing his homework and no idea where Gabriel is." 

He threw his legs over the side and stood up and stretched and turned finding Castiel looking at his mid-section, slowly dragging his eyes to his face. 

"See anything you like?" he smirked at Castiel and let out a laugh when colour tinted Castiel's cheeks. He made his way over to him, keeping his eyes focused on his face and pulled him closer, kissing him softly. He stood back, giving him a boyish grin and moved to the door. "Well? Are you coming?" He asked, feeling smug. Castiel's eyes glazed over; he clumsily began to move to join him. 

He turned back and made to open the door, but a hand shot forward and kept it firmly closed. He stared down at the hand that had prevented him from leaving the room, and then trailed up the arm to the shoulder and then to the face; he was standing close behind him.  

"Um, Cas, you do know that to get out of the room, we need to open the door... right?"  

"Yes, I am aware of the procedure, but that isn't my intention." 

He turned facing Castiel, "Oh, really?" 

"Yes." 

Before he could retort, Castiel pushed him against the door, kissing him hotly while his hands ran down the sides of Dean's body.  

His head began to fog up, all he could think about was getting Castiel onto the bed and stripping him of his clothes, but as fast as it started, it ended. Castiel stepped back looking smugly at him. ”Are you ready to eat?"  

 

He stood confused staring at the other man until it dawned on him _, Oh, the sorry son of a bitch._  He growled his response. "Nah ah. I'm not hungry." 

If Castiel wanted to play that game, he could play it too, twice as hard. He gently pushed him towards the bed, smirking, keeping his eyes trained on him.  

Castiel stumbled when the back of his knees hit the bed, using his hands to keep him sitting, Dean stepped in front of him; slowly moving to straddle his lap. He was going to teach him a lesson. Nobody teased Dean Winchester. He watched wide blue eyes as he leant in and reached behind Castiel and tugged gently on his hair; pulling his head back. His mouth an inch away from Castiel’s lips, his breathing steady, feeling Castiel's breath hitch and come out in short puffs of warm air.

 He lowered his voice, putting as much intention into it as he could. "What I'm hungry for, isn't on any food menu." he lingered a moment longer, letting Castiel absorb the words and meaning; waited until blue eyes became lust blown.

He stood up, walked over to the bedroom door and swung it open, he turned finding Castiel still sitting at the edge of the bed; he let out a throaty chuckle, clicked his tongue, winked and left the room, making his way down into the kitchen.  

 He opened the fridge door and found two already prepared burgers waiting for him. He pulled them out as he whistled to himself, still feeling smug, he placed the plate into the microwave and punched in the time he needed and pressed start. He watched the burgers turn on the turntable; he probably shouldn't have done it. He was easily affected by Castiel, and he could get him back; he could wait until he was hot and needy and stop, but it was worth it.   
 

The microwave beeped and he took out the burgers and sat at the island bar. He wondered briefly where Castiel was and hoped he hadn't hurt his feelings, but the thoughts dissolved as he took a bite of the burger, humming appreciatively, he was in heaven. Gabriel had used mixed spices in the patties, and it tasted really good. He finished the last of the burgers and glanced at the kitchen door, maybe he did upset him, he got off the stool and cleaned his plate, leaving it to dry on the rack and went upstairs, briefly glancing into his room to see if he was still there. His room was empty, so he knocked on Castiel's door.

  
 

"Cas?"   
 

There was no answer, so he turned the knob and pushed the door open a little, poking his head inside and looking around it to find Castiel leaning against his pillows, a book in his hand. He didn’t look up to acknowledge that he was there.

Dean took in the sight of Castiel, who wore nothing but a pair of boxers; his chest tanned, muscles toned but not bulked up. He slowly made his way across the room, standing beside the bed, still soaking up the sight of him.  

 

“So, what are you doing?” He asked when he received no response.  

“I’m reading,” Castiel replied; His eyes fixed on a spot on the page the book was open to.  

“No, you’re not. “ 

Castiel looked up at him, smiling. “I assure you. I am, in fact, reading. This is a book, and these are words. “He looked back down at the book in his hand.  

 

Was Cas deliberately ignoring him, or was he teasing him? He sat down on the side of the bed near Castiel’s feet and studied the man’s body. He was lean, and his skin was smooth, all he could think about was running his hands down his chest and down his legs. God this was going to take some time to get used to these new feelings. It felt alien to have such a desire to run hands down another man’s body, but it was there, and he couldn’t deny the desires were strong. It appeared to only be Castiel that caused these desires in him.  He glanced back up to the face of the man who lay on the bed, not once did he look up.   

 

Well, if that’s the way, he wanted to play it, he grinned to himself, he wouldn’t be able to ignore him for much longer. 

                                                                                 

He moved into the middle of the bed, between Castiel’s legs and watched as blue eyes rise until they locked eyes. He gave him his best boyish smile and hooked his fingers beneath the waistband of Castiel’s shorts, and slowly lowered them, determined to keep eye contact until he had them down to the ankles, then quickly disregarded them. 

 Castiel stared at him, unblinking, his pupils were blown. 

Good, he was going to make him moan and beg beneath the ministrations of his mouth and hands... He slowly smoothed his hands up the back of Castiel’s calf’s pulling his legs slightly apart as he continued moving his hands up until they stilled at his pelvis. He watched for any response that would tell him no when he found none he moved his hands to wrap around the thick girth of his member, feeling the weight in his hand sent shivers down his spine, and his own erection twitched with interest. 

 

He positioned himself onto his belly between Castiel's legs and pressed small kisses against the soft skin, glancing up to see the reaction; Castiel propped himself up on his elbows, the book all but forgot as he stared down at him. 

He dipped his head back down and licked a stripe up the length and heard a small moan, encouraging him to do it again. This still felt weird to him, but he was surprised at how it made him feel, bringing someone to their knees with his mouth. He licked another strip until he reached the head of his arousal and swiped his tongue against the tip, tasting the pre-cum as he heard an encouraging gasp from Castiel. He began licking the underside, paying attention to the veins that ran down the length, knowing how it felt when a girl did it. 

There was another soft moan, and he looked up to watch Castiel as he stretched his mouth over the tip, flicking his tongue across the head before taking his time as he sank his mouth down around him.

Castiel let out a guttural moan and fell back against the pillows. He hummed and lifted his mouth up until only the head filled his mouth and then quickly sunk down again, bringing his free hand up to massage his balls. 

Castiel moaned louder and lifted his hips without warning. He gagged as his member pushed to the back of his throat, and he pulled off with a pop, and went back to lick and sucking, giving him time to recover before sinking his mouth down again. He brought his hands up and wrapped them around the base of Castiel’s length as he quickened his pace, hollowing his cheeks and experimentally taking him deeper into his mouth, testing the limits of his gag reflex. 

Castiel’s moans made his own member throb for attention. He pushed down on the bed, causing a small bit of friction, and groaned, causing Castiel to moan louder. If he moaned any louder, he was going to alert the others to what they were doing. 

 

“Deaaaann I’m going to….I’m going to….” he paused a moment, did he want to keep going? Was he ready to taste another man’s cum? He wasn't sure, 

So he pulled off and kneeled between Castiel’s legs, using his hands to bring him to his orgasm. He watched Castiel’s face contort in pleasure as he squeezed his eyes shut and threw his head back, hot liquid spilt out over his hand and Castiel's abdomen and the sight of it almost made him cum in his own pants. 

He slowed his pace, bringing him to his orgasm until he felt him go limp in his hands. He grabbed the corner of the blanket; not caring about the mess it would leave on it. He cleaned up Cas’s stomach and his hands and bent low to kiss a path up his chest, across his throat and ending at his lips, then looked down into his fully sated boyfriend's eyes… Boyfriend?  They hadn’t decided on that yet. He looked down, finding Castiel looking up smiling at him.

 “You are a dirty cheat. You deliberately ignored me.” He grumbled, and Castiel burst out laughing, throwing his head back. 

“Yes, thinking back, it might have been a bit unfair.” 

 

Castiel surprised him by pushing him onto his back, looking down to him as he straddled him and pinned his arms above his head. 

“Oh, Bondage, a man after my own heart.” He grinned up into the blue eyes. Castiel smiled and leant back behind him to the end of his bed, straightening himself and looking intently at him. 

“Do you trust me not to hurt you?” his eyes softened, 

“Yeah, course I do Cas.” 

Castiel nodded and pulled the object from behind his back, lifting his hands higher; he could feel the post of the bed and felt something cold wrap around his wrists and tighten. Castiel sat back up; he moved his hands and found them tethered to the bed. 

Panic flashed through him until he settled his eyes back onto Castiel's. He was safe. He was safe. He made it a mantra and took slow even breaths, calming himself. Once he calmed down he took in the scenario and found himself becoming aroused again, 

   
"Oh. You're so kinky.” He grinned up at Castiel causing him to smile. 

 

Castiel Shuffled down a bit on his body, lifting his shirt high, exposing his chest and began pressing gentle kisses against his skin and he felt goosebumps rise over his chest and a shiver coursed down his spine. 

He felt the warm air skim across his skin, and then teeth lightly nipped. He closed his eyes and moaned softly. His body grew sensitive, and his cock throbbed with anticipation of that mouth caressing it. He was so lost in the sensations that he barely noticed his clothes were gone, and Castiel’s fingers ran down his stomach, circling his navel and then making their way down his groin. He gasped as nimble fingers wrapped around him and began lazily gliding up and down, he moaned quietly, trying to keep his voice down so the others wouldn’t hear him and lifted his hips, needing him to go faster. Castiel’s hand halted mid-way and let go. He whimpered when he felt the loss of his hand, he felt the bed shift, and he looked down to see Castiel lying on his stomach, the same way he had been. Staring up at him while he attentively kissed and licked at the skin of his inner thigh, the touch caused his member to twitch against his stomach, needing attention, and he whimpered again, “Cas, please, Need you... “He laid back against the pillows, closing his eyes to concentrate on the feelings, blocking out the room, focusing only on the lips and tongue. He felt fingers brush against his balls, which caused him to arch upwards. It felt so good. He sucked in a breath when he felt a wet heat of Castiel's tongue swipe across them and then moaned out louder as the soft wet heat of Castiel’s mouth surrounded him. 

“Oh my God Cas, you’re killing me.” He panted out, trying to move his hands that were still tethered to the post of the bed. 

He whimpered and heard a throaty chuckle, and then his tongue moved down further. He froze for a moment, eyes widening at the sensation. It wasn’t bad, just different. No one had ever done that to him, and he squirmed a little until he felt a hand on his thigh, he looked down into eyes silently questioning if it was okay. He nodded his agreement and rested his head on the pillow, willing himself to relax, getting used to the feeling. 

Castiel’s moved down lower, his tongue swiping across the ring of muscles. He automatically recoiled and took a moment to relax, getting used to the feeling again as Castiel's tongue probed against the muscles then his tongue disappeared, replaced with something else, pushing against him. 

It was uncomfortable, felt weird. He gasped as it pressed past the muscles, it didn’t feel terrible; it felt… good. Castiel peppered his inner thigh with kisses, and his cock twitched again, and Castiel pushed in a little further, causing a slight burn; he hissed. 

“Does it hurt?’ Castiel whispered up to him. 

“It did, just a little; it's alright now.” He felt the shift of the bed before a hand wrapped around him and began to glide up and down his length, he moaned as the pleasure coiled in his stomach, feeling Castiel’s finger push a little more as his hand continued its slow, steady pace, pressing kisses against the crease of his groin. 

 

 “Mmmm feel’s good Cas.” He whispered out as he felt himself relax finally, allowing all the sensations to swamp his mind and body. 

There was a sudden jolt of uncontrollable, leg twitching pleasure rushing through him, and he panted out, eyes widening 

“What the fuck was that?” he breathed out. 

“Did it hurt?” the concerned voice spoke from between his legs, halting his actions. 

“No, no it was good, really, really good,” 

He felt Castiel’s finger move, and the feeling shot through again, and he held back his moan as his cock began to throb, and the tingling started from the tip, moving slowly down to the base. 

“Oh God.” He moaned quietly into the air. He almost went under when Castiel sunk his mouth down around his erection, taking the length of him, his finger gently moving in time. Pleasure began to rise quickly, as Castiel quickened his pace. 

“Oh God Cas, I’m so close to… Oh god.” He arched his back; the pleasure ripped through his body, causing his toes to curl; he turned his face into the pillow as much as he could, trying to muffle the loud guttural moaned that he couldn’t stop. 

Castiel kept up his pace, milking him dry and then crawled back to the top of the bed, undid his bindings and lay beside him and smiled. 

“Did I do okay? I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right….” 

“Cas you were fucking awesome.” He panted out, grinning, trying to slow his breathing, feeling the sheen of cold sweat on his head. His eyes felt heavy and body relaxed. He couldn’t move a muscle. 

Castiel pulled the blankets over them both and tugged him closer, wrapping his arms around him. 

He sighed in exhaustion before he drifted off to sleep.   

 

******************************************

 

It was light outside when he woke up, and it took him a minute to work out where he was and why he was there. He turned finding Castiel gone; he was alone in the bedroom, and somehow it felt wrong being in there, without Castiel. He lay back against the pillows, giving himself a few more minutes to wake up. He planned to go shopping with Gabriel. He groaned audibly after remembering the man’s comments while he waited for Bobby to come back from speaking with Cas the day before, it wasn’t going to be fun; he just hoped that Gabriel wouldn’t say a word about it. He was still getting used to the whole thing himself. 

He could hear Sam rushing up the stairs, telling whoever it was he was speaking to that he would be ready in 20 minutes. He pulled himself out of the bed, pulled on his boxers and gathered his clothes, and stepped to the door and peeked out into the hall to make sure no one was there, that was all he needed, someone to see him leaving Castiel’s bedroom dressed in only his boxers. Satisfied that the coast was clear, he stepped lightly across to his own room and went straight to the bathroom to relieve himself and to shower. Once he was done, he quickly got dressed and went downstairs to join everyone in the kitchen. He was surprised and disappointed to find Castiel was not there. He wanted to ask where he was, but he didn’t want to draw more attention to his and Castiel’s newly budding,  _what-ever-it-was_  relationship. 

Bobby sat at the end of the bar, paper in hand and a mug a coffee in front of him, Gabriel was seated next to him, looking over at some article they were both interested in. 

“Good morning,” Dean said to no one in particular. “What’s so interesting in the news today? “ 

“Oh, nothing much, just some chain of deaths that they say are related. Coffee?” Gabriel brushed off his question and started to get up off the stool. 

“It’s alright; I can make my own. Would you like a fresh mug of coffee, Bobby, Gabe?” 

Both men held out the mugs and hummed their acceptance while they continued to read the column in the newspaper. Whatever it was must have been bad, neither of them looked up again for some time and glancing at each other every now and again in silent communication. 

Gabriel had already finished Sam’s lunch, so he busied himself with rinsing out the mugs before pouring the fresh coffee into them. 

“So are we still on for the shopping trip this morning? I mean, if you’re busy with something else, we can leave it for today.” He said conversationally to Gabriel. 

“No, no I’m not busy,” Gabriel responded distractedly. 

He quickly drained his mug and glanced around, biting his lower lip, where was Cas? It was weird not having him standing near the far counter. Did he regret the night before? Is that what this was about? He felt his stomach drop and begin to turn, What if he did? What if he asked him and Sam to leave? What if he didn’t want to be his friend anymore? Panic began to rise at the possibilities that Castiel’s absence could mean, and he needed to make himself busy, get out of the kitchen before he did something to embarrass himself. 

“Well, okay, I will... I’ll go get my wallet and phone and see what’s keeping Sam.” He rushed out of the kitchen and ran up the stairs, almost bumping straight into Sam as he took the last five steps. He muttered a quick sorry and went into his room, shutting the door behind him and lent against the back of it. He dragged in slow even breaths, trying to keep himself calm, but it was difficult, so many questions running through his mind, so many possibilities. 

There was a knock on his door, and he ignored it, not trusting himself to sound normal. 

“Dean? Are you alright?” Sam asked quietly through the door.   

 

He calmed himself enough to reply; he didn’t want Sam to worry about him; he didn’t want him asking questions about why he was upset. 

“Sam, I'm all right.” He answered, scanning the room for his Wallet and Phone, finally locating them on the cupboard next to his bed. He quickly moved to collect them and walked back to the door and swung it open. Sam was still standing on the other side. 

“I just needed to get these.” He held up his wallet and phone and smiled. 

“C’mon you’re going to be late if we don’t get a move on now.” He brushed past Sam still smiling and made his way down the stairs, feeling Sam's eyes on his back. He knew he hadn’t convinced his brother, but it was the best he could do. He would just deny anything Sam might say. 

 

“Are you sure, you’re okay Dean?” He heard Sam ask as they reached the bottom of the stairs. He turned around and looked at his brother and placed his hands on his shoulders. 

 

“Sam, Don’t worry about me, I promise. I'm fine. Alright?” 

Sam narrowed his eyes and searched his expression for a second and then nodded slowly. “Alright. You would tell me… wouldn’t you? If there was something wrong? 

 

“Yeah, Yeah course I would do Sam." He ruffled Sam's hair and made his way back through to the kitchen. The two men were quietly discussing something and turned when they heard the two of them enter the room. 

“Are we ready to go Gabe?” 

 

“Oh, Right, Yeah, let’s go!” Gabriel smiled cheerfully and stood up, 

   
“Did you want to come with us, Bobby?” Dean asked, 

Bobby turned looking at him with an expression that suggested he would rather have his nails pulled off than go shopping. He chuckled, "Alright. We'll see you later then. “ 

The older man nodded and turned back to the newspaper, lifting his mug to his lips. 

 

The three of them made their way to Gabriel’s car. Sam called shotgun to his displeasure. He sighed and resigned himself to the back seat. As Sam and Gabriel began to talk about some figure from history, he leaned against the leather seat and tried to keep his thoughts from going back to the night before, then to that morning. He attempted to ignore the fact Castiel wasn’t there; he was failing miserably to keep the thoughts that it was his fault, or that he once again ruined something from screaming at him from the back of his mind. Try as he might, the thoughts came unbidden, every time he pushed one aside another one took its place and by the time Sam had said good-bye, and they had pulled off from the curb of the school building. He felt wretched. He couldn’t’ bring himself to make any kind of conversation with Gabriel, couldn’t find the energy to care about Christmas. All he wanted to do was go back to his room and hide beneath the blankets and shut the world out.  

“Are you okay?” Gabriel asked glancing through the rear-view mirror at him. 

“Yeah, I'm okay. Just feeling a bit unwell, I think I may have overdone things the last few days, that’s all. “ 

"You know; we can leave it for today if you’re not feeling well. We can plan to go another day. It’s up to you. I’m fine with whatever you choose. “ 

 

“Yeah, maybe we could do it another day?” 

“Okay.” Gabriel smiled up through the mirror at him, and he felt relieved that he didn’t have to feign any kind of mood. All he wanted was the bed and to be left alone. No, what he really wanted was to find out why Castiel wasn’t at the house. He wanted to know if it was something to do with him, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask Gabe. He didn’t want to know if he was honest with himself, but then, Gabriel would most likely not tell him anyway. 

 

They made the way back to the house in silence, Gabriel seeming to know that he didn’t want to talk. 

When he entered the house, he took a quick glance around, wondering if Castiel was back since he was aware that both himself, and Gabriel were going out to the shops in the morning, but he couldn’t see him anywhere. He couldn’t hear him. He thanked Gabriel and went up to his room, pausing for a moment at his door, looking towards Castiel’s room. 

 

He took a few cautious steps towards the other man’s room, wanting so much to knock and see if he was there but changed his mind, if Castiel were in there, he would come and find him if he wanted to see him. 

 

He moved into his room, stripped out of his clothes and climbed into the large bed and pulled the thick blankets over him. Hoping he would be able to sleep and shut out all the worries that now plagued him. 

 

He began to hum the tune of “Hey Jude”, unaware that he was doing so, as he pushed aside the thoughts that entered his central focus, batting them like they were tennis balls flying towards him. Eventually, he fell to sleep, oblivious to what was happening downstairs in the kitchen. 

 

******************************************

“Hold still you Idjit, if you keep moving, you’re going to bleed out,” Bobby growled. 

“What happened? “ Gabriel asked concerned by the wound he was trying to heal. 

“You were right, Demons... I don’t understand... How they manage to get an angel blade…..." Castiel hissed and gasped as the pain radiated through his left shoulder and down his chest. 

 

Gabriel moved his hand slowly across the wound; the healing was slower than they had expected, something was wrong; he knew it. Gabriel looked concerned; his eyebrows were knitted together in concentration. “That’s no standard angel blade Cas. Did you see it? ” He finally said, looking at the deep cut. 

 

“No,” he hissed out between his teeth; it happened so quickly. It’s as if they were waiting for me, but it’s the only thing that can hurt and kill an Angel.” He gasped and threw his head back as the pain intensified. 

 

“No, that’s not true. Several blades can hurt an Angel, like an archangel's blade, and a Grigori’s sword. Both of those would make healing much more challenging, and it takes more time, even for me.” 

 

“How the hell would demons get a hold of one of those swords? If they had one of those lying around, then someone upstairs is working with em.” Bobby pointed out while trying to keep a firm hold on Castiel to keep him still while Gabriel continued to heal him. 

 

Both Castiel and Gabriel stilled and looked at each other, eyes wide. 

 

“If that is true, Dean and Sam are not safe. It would suggest the involvement of Michael, Raphael, or a Grigori is trying to get rid of us, and it makes no sense for a Grigori to come after us unless he is involved with Michael or Raphael." 

 

Gabriel's words weren’t lost on him. They needed to find a way to hide the boys fast, both Heaven and Hell were making a move against them, and if it’s true that he was cut with either sword, then they were planning on killing both, he and Gabriel to get at Dean and Sam. He let out another hiss as the pain shot through his shoulder. He felt weak, if Gabriel’s healing didn’t work soon, he would be dead in no time. 

 

“Gabe, I don’t think I have much time... “   

 

“Don’t be so overdramatic Cassie, that’s my role, not yours.” Gabriel clicked his tongue, “You're beginning to heal now, sorry bro, but you’ll live to die another day.” He grinned, relief washing over his features. 

 

The pain faded quickly, and both Bobby and Gabriel helped pull him to his feet, and he glanced down, feeling relief wash over him. 

He looked towards Gabriel; his brows furrowed. “So what do we do now, we either need to move Sam and Dean from here or find better warding.” 

 

“I think we should tell them the whole truth,” Bobby interjected. Both looked towards Bobby; eyebrows raised. Neither making any move to speak so Bobby continued “They need to know what they are up against; they need to know what you two are.” 

 

“No!” Castiel shot back quickly; he calmed his voice and continued.  

“Do you understand what could happen if we tell them who we are? Dean especially would be angry and leave, and that’s a risk I don’t want to take. If he’s out there, the demons and angels will be able to find him. It is important both, he and Sam remain where we can protect them.” 

 

“What am I, chopped liver? I can protect those boys; I’m not a total waste of space.” 

“That’s not what I’m saying Bobby, but you have no idea what angels are capable of, especially the archangels. How can you protect them against them?” 

 

“You said in the timeline that you come from, that the boys and I fought against them. We kept them back. There’s no reason we can’t do it again.” 

 

“Yes, but Dean and Sam had known about Demons since they were children, Dean was hunting them by the time he was 16, here, this timeline. He has no idea about them; he doesn’t know how to protect himself against them, or even how to behead a vampire. He isn’t hardened, neither is Sam.” He needed to make Bobby understand how different the boys from each timeline are to each other. He needed him to know just how vulnerable they were and how difficult it would be for him to protect them alone. He glanced over to Gabriel, who had been very quiet while he and Bobby hashed it out. He seemed far away in thought, and so he focused back on Bobby. 

 

“I think it's a bad idea, hiding the truth from them, “Bobby grumbled, 

 

“I don’t like it either that they are left in the dark, but we should be cautious about how much we tell them. Dean is recovering still from an attempt to end his life, his emotionally unstable. He needs some time to heal.” 

 

Bobby nodded, sighing, “Fine, for now, we do it your way, but if it gets any worse, then I’m going to tell him and Sam no matter what you say. “ He moved back over to the counter and pulled out a map. 

 

He decided to leave both Bobby and Gabriel to it and took the stairs up to Dean’s room, knocking lightly before stepping inside. 

 

Dean was asleep beneath the big mound, and he gently slid in between the blankets and sheets and relaxed back against the pillow. 

 

They had to come up with something soon, with both heaven and hell beginning to move. It only meant that trouble would soon reach them. They needed to be prepared to protect the two Winchesters at any cost.   

 


	15. Chapter 15

His mobile buzzed in his pocket persistently, and he moved quietly so he wouldn't wake Dean and made his way out of the room, frowning, no one but Dean knew his number.  
He stared down at the unknown caller ID and pressed to answer.  
“Hello?”  
“Is this Mr Winchester?”  
“Um, yes it is.”  
“I am calling about your nephew, Samuel Winchester. He was brought into the E.R an hour ago. We tried to call his contact numbers that the school had, but they were disconnected. We checked his brother’s file and saw that you were noted as next of kin.”  
“I see, Is Sam alright?” he kept his voice quiet and steady in case Dean woke up and overheard him.  
“It would be best if you come down to the hospital so the doctor can explain. I can’t discuss anything further over the telephone.”  
“Okay, we will be there shortly. Thank you.”  
He disconnected the call and slipped his phone into his pocket and stepped back into Dean’s room, making his way quickly to the bed.

“Dean?” he lightly shook his shoulder; Dean stirred slowly but not enough... He shook him again more forcefully but still not enough to scare him.

“Dean.”  
Dean’s eyes blinked open, staring straight ahead for a few short moments before scanning the air until he found Castiel.

“Hmmm?”  
“You need to wake up; something is wrong with Sam; we need to get to the hospital.” He didn’t mean to let it all rush out at once, but something was wrong, and they needed to get to the hospital sooner rather than later. Demons could have found him and hurt him.  
“What?” Dean’s eyes widened as he sat up quickly, searching the room for his clothes.  
“The hospital just called my mobile; they say he was admitted into emergency. They would like us to go down there and speak to someone.”  
Dean didn’t waste any more time. He leapt off the bed before Castiel finished the sentence and scrambled for his clothes, pulling them on in record time. He scanned the room quickly looking for his shoes, once he located them; he sat on the bed and shoved his feet into them, not caring that he hadn’t put on socks.  
“What did they say exactly Cas? Is he okay?” he turned and picked up his keys from the side cupboard and rushed towards the door, yanking it open and rushing down the hallway before he could say anything else.

“Dean Wait; I should drive.”  
“We haven’t got time Cas,”  
"Dean, I don’t want you to crash because you’re panicking.”  
“I’m not panicking. Sam is my brother, and I should be there.”  
Bobby and Gabriel stepped out of the kitchen meeting them at the bottom of the stairs, both confused at what was unfolding in front of them.  
“What’s wrong?” Bobby asked Dean as he sprinted past him towards the front door.  
“Sam is in the hospital. Something is wrong.”  
He threw open the front door and ran to the car, leaving Castiel, Bobby and Gabriel running behind him.  
The three men caught up with him as he slammed his car door closed and opened their own doors climbing in; before Dean slammed his foot down on the accelerator and tore down the driveway.  
“Slow down boy unless you want to get us all killed!” Bobby shouted from the back seat.  
“Bobby, he’s my brother; I need to be there.”  
“It ain't gonna do much good if you end up in the bed next to him because you can’t drop your speed by 5 miles, is it?”  
Dean sighed and eased his foot off the accelerator slightly and stared out the front window, hands firmly gripping the wheel.  
No one spoke as they made their way to the hospital. Once in the car park; Dean parked the car in the nearest spot, barely taking the time to remove his seat belt, swinging the door open and took off towards the emergency entrance, the rest following further behind.

 

  
****************************************************

 

  
He stepped into the open door of the emergency room, not stopping; ignoring the line of people who were waiting to speak to the nurse at the desk as he moved to the front.  
He ignored their complaints and leant against the counter, catching his breath as he tried to explain that he was there for his brother.

“My brother…. He was brought in…. Someone called and told us to come here… Sam Winchester… his name is Samuel Winchester.”  
He finally stopped talking and stared at the nurse behind the desk who stood and stared blankly back at him for a minute.  
“Who might you be? “  
“Dean, I’m Dean Winchester; I'm his brother. Where is he? Is he okay? What happened to him?”  
“Calm down sir. I’ll get someone to come out and speak to you, Take a seat over there and someone will be with you soon.”  
“No! I need to know that he’s okay! “  
“Sir, someone will speak to you shortly, just take a sea-“ “No, All I want to know is if he’s alright. You can tell me that much at least.”  
“I can't say anything, I was asked to let the doctor know when your uncle arrived. Please take a seat.”  
He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned finding Castiel beside him; Bobby, and Gabriel not far behind.  
“Dean, we should sit down and wait; I'm sure someone will come and speak with us as soon as they can.”  
He didn’t want to sit down; he wanted to know what was wrong, he needed to know that he was alright. He wasn’t going to sit down until someone gave him the answers to what happened. Castiel squeezed his shoulder a little firmer.  
“Dean, please, just come and sit down, there’s nothing else she can tell us.”  
He turned back to the nurse at the desk.

“Is that the honest truth, that there is nothing you can tell me about Sam?”  
She offered him an apologetic look and shook her head.

He sighed, raked his hands over his face and turned and made his way through a line of seats, finding some empty near the doors to the emergency treatment rooms.  
He didn’t sit down, instead took to pacing back and forth ringing his hands, not knowing what to do, not wanting to think the worst but unable to stop them entering his mind. What if he was dying? What if they were too late? Castiel attempted to comfort him, but he shrugged him off; He was too anxious; the other man’s touches felt suffocating. He needed to know Sam was okay; he needed to know he was alive; he just wanted some answers. That's all he cared about; that's the only thing he cared about right now.

He glanced up as he heard the doors open and a doctor stepped towards them.  
“Dean Winchester I presume?”  
He rushed forward to stand in front of the doctor, “Yes, yes that’s me. What’s wrong with Sam?”  
“Please follow me."  
His heart hammered against his chest, fear gripping tightly, he felt sick, this was how it was like when they wanted to tell his father that his mom had no sign of brain activity, and the machines were the only things keeping her alive. Oh god, Oh god, Oh God what if that is what they wanted to tell him? What if Sam was covered in tubes and a machine breathed for him? What would he do without his brother?

He took a large gulp of air and nodded and followed the doctor through the doors, down the aisle that had beds on either side, through another set of double doors and then turning down a much quieter hallway until they reached a small room.

The doctor opened the door and turned to them, gesturing for them all to enter.  
Once they were inside, he walked towards one of the seats but remained standing. Please God let Sam be okay!  
“Please, take a seat.”  
“No, I can’t. Not until I know if he’s okay, why won’t anybody tell me what’s happened?”  
The doctor sat down on the seat opposite and appeared to realise asking him to sit down was pointless.  
“Sam was brought into emergency after collapsing at school. The teacher who brought him in said he had suddenly started to wheeze and cough, and then collapsed. We have stabilised him for now, but we are still unsure what we’re looking at here, we have ordered some tests to be done. He is in X-ray at the moment to see what shows up in his lungs. “  
“When can I see him?” Dean interrupted. He needed to see him for himself, and he needed to see that he was alright.”  
At the moment, he is in ICU and has been placed under sedation, and a ventilator is assisting him with breathing easier. It would be best if he has no visitors to protect him against any bacteria or viruses. I’m sorry that I have not been able to help with offering more information. We haven’t seen anything like this before, and so we’re taking all precautions we can to prevent his health deteriorating. I have to warn you; he isn’t out of the woods yet, not until we can find what has caused it.”  
The doctor paused before continuing.  
“Are there any history of asthma in your family?”  
“No, not that I know of.”  
“Lung Cancer?”

“No. Why? Could it be lung cancer? Is that what you think it is? " his heart began to race again, Could Sam have cancer? Oh please, God, no... Don’t’ let it be cancer; he prayed silently.  
“We don’t know, as I said before, we’re trying to find out what could be causing it. He is young, and it is rare for a young person such as Sam to have it, but we have to cover it to make sure. He will have an MRI to check for anything that can’t be seen in detail with the X-ray, for now, we’re looking for any shadows in his lungs. We have taken his blood also to check for bacterial and viral infections.” The doctor paused again, his eyes softening.

“I know it can be worrying, but please understand he’s in the best place, he’s lucky his teacher saw what had happened and called the ambulance. He is in good hands; we will get to the bottom of this and then proceed with the best course of treatment. I have to go and see to other patients now, but you are welcome to stay here and wait when we have more information I will come by and give you an update.”

He nodded numbly; nothing felt real, this couldn’t be happening... Not to Sam, not now. Sam was strong, he rarely got sick anymore, so why was this happening?

 

 

 

He barely registered that the doctor had left and he was in the room surrounded by 3 men who regarded him with worried expressions. The room felt stuffy, and the walls were closing in on him, he needed to get out of there, he needed to get some air, alone.  
“I’m going to get some air.” He muttered.  
“I’ll go with you.” He heard Castiel step behind him.  
“No. I need some time alone; I need to figure this out.”  
“Dean, you shouldn’t be alone right-.”  
“No! Stay here, wait for the Doctor. I mean it Cas, I need some space, I need to think, I need to call Dad, he needs to be here. “He still hadn’t forgotten that Castiel had run away after what they did the night before, and he didn’t want him feeling like he had to be there for him out of some stupid sense of responsibility.  
“Dean, you shouldn’t be alone.” Bobby spoke this time, “I’ll come with you, I have a few things to say to John myself.”  
“No Bobby, I want to be alone. Geez, I’m not fragile, I am not a baby. I don’t need someone with me all the time. “  
He didn’t wait for a response; he swung the door open and traced his steps, making his way out of the hospital, down the path until he found a bench in a small empty garden. He sunk down onto the bench and pulled out his phone, he needed to call dad and let him know what was happening. The older man may have been angry with him, even cut him out of his family but Sam was still his son, and he needed to be there.  
He found his contact and raised the phone to his ear, impatiently waiting for the other side to pick up, but no one did. He was eventually directed to voice mail.  
“Dad? I know we’ve both said some things to each other, and I’m sorry for what I said. Look, you need to come home; you need to come to the hospital. Sam’s sick, very ill, and they don’t know what’s wrong with him. So if you could get here... “He paused and wiped at his eyes.  
“Dad I’m scared, I don’t know what to do. Just, please, just come home. We need you. Sam needs you.”  
He ended the call and swiped again at the tears that threatened to roll down his cheeks  
He felt helpless, he couldn’t’ lose Sam, he wouldn’t survive without him.  
“God, if you’re there. Please help Sam. I’ll do anything you want, just please Save Sam.” He began to sob into his hands, unable to stop the flow of tears. He couldn’t lose Sam too, He was nothing without him.  
Flashes of memories circled his mind of his mom, images of her covered in tubes, the heart monitor beeping in the background, and the sound of the machine that pushed air into her lungs as he rested his cheek against the back of her hand, his prayers that went unanswered,.. He couldn’t do that again; sit beside the bed of someone he loved, watching their life fade away.  
“What should I do?” he squinted up into the sky, tears blurring his vision, “Please tell me, what should I do? I don’t know what to do, how I’m going to get through this. You took my mom from me, you can’t take Sam. You just can’t.”  
He heard the faint sound of footsteps and he wiped the tears away and sat upright, keeping his eyes on the ground.  
“Are you alright?” A female voice asked.  
He glanced up at the short blonde haired woman that now stood beside him.  
“Yeah, I’m fine.”  
“Sure you are, Dean. I can help your brother.”  
“What? How did you know my name or even know about my brother?”  
“Long story… So Do you want me to help your brother?”  
“How? The doctors don’t even know what’s wrong with him.”  
“I do, though, His lungs are collapsing, the walls are weakening, and they are filling with fluid. He doesn’t have long to live.”  
“How the hell would you know that?”  
“Look, we can stay here and debate how I know and waste time while your brother’s lungs continue to collapse, or you can come with me, and I can show you how I can help you.”

“Go where?” he asked her suspiciously.  
“Just a few miles up the road from here. “ She said only.  
“I don’t know why you would think I would go somewhere with you?”

“You asked for help, I heard you, and I’m here to do just that. So are you coming?” the woman began to walk away in the direction she had come from.  
He didn’t know what to do; he could go back to the hospital, but what if she was right? What if Sam’s lungs were giving out and soon he would be dead. What harm would it do to follow her and see if she was being serious about helping? He asked God for this, didn’t he?  
He stood up and jogged to catch up with her, “Okay, So If I agree to go with you, and I’m not saying I am agreeing but then what? Who are you taking me to?”  
“Spoilers.” She smirked and continued walking towards his car… his car? How did she know which car was his?  
“Alright, I’ll go, but I don’t believe anything you say about helping but I’ll go. Now tell me, who are you?”  
“The answer to your prayers.”  
“No, seriously, who the hell are you.”  
She sighed in frustration. “So many questions… I’m Meg... Open the damn door and let’s go!”  
He stared blankly at her for a few moments and then fumbled with his keys, opening the door for her and then quickly moved around to his side and jumped in.  
“Okay, so where am I going?”  
“Just drive and I will tell you when to turn.”  
He started the car and moved out of the car park, something deep in his gut telling him it was a terrible idea.

************************  
Meanwhile, at the hospital the three men, we still waiting quietly in the room. Bobby wringing his cap in his hands, Castiel standing leaning against a wall, staring at the door and Gabriel who had been sitting quietly stood up quickly causing both Castiel and Bobby’s head to snap in his direction.  
“I’m going to find Sams room and heal him, something is wrong with this whole thing, it stinks of the supernatural. Sam was all right this morning; he was healthy, not as much as a small cough and then suddenly he’s collapsing.”  
Before either of them could say a word he was gone out of view, Bobby turned to Castiel.  
“Do you think he’s right? Do you believe that this is the work of Demons?”  
“I don’t know, but he has a point. Sam was healthy when he woke this morning, and now, he’s here, fighting for his life. I was attacked by demons that had access to a blade that could kill me.”  
Gabriel was back looking pale, Castiel knew something was really wrong, Gabriel didn’t scare easily.  
“What’s wrong?” he stood up straight, giving Gabriel all his attention.  
“I- I can’t get into his room, the bastards who have done this has warded against us accessing his room and healing him. What the fuck can we do now? And Dean’s been gone for some time, one of us needs to go and find him.”  
Castiel nodded and tried to locate Dean using his grace, but he couldn’t’ find him.  
“Something is wrong. I can’t find Dean. Gabriel, you try.” fear washed over him at what that could mean. If they couldn’t find Dean with their grace, it would mean someone could be hiding him from them, he could be in trouble, and they wouldn’t know where to start.  
“No, I can’t find him,” Gabriel confirmed; eyes wide.  
“We need to split up and search the hospital, we need to find him and make sure he’s safe... I have a bad feeling about this.”  
They scrambled to get out of the room, each taking a different route, searching all the empty rooms.

**********************************************************

 

  
“Is this some occult thing?” Dean asked raising his brow trying hard to hide his disbelief.  
“No, it’s a ritual, now stand still and smile towards the camera.” Meg held up a camera and snapped a picture, the flash blinding him for a second.  
“What the hell?” This was ridiculous, he didn’t have time for this, and he needed to get back to Sam.  
She waved a Polaroid photograph around, allowing it to dry and then opened the box, popping it inside; he noticed a few other items.  
“You can’t be serious... is that bone? “  
“Yes. ”  
“What the fuck?”  
“Shut up, stay quiet.” She ordered and handed him a shovel.  
“Dig here, make a hole and place this box inside.”  
“No.”  
“If you want to save your brother you will.”  
“This is stupid.” He grumbled but put the shovel into the dirt anyways, pushing it down with his foot and created a hole large enough to place the box in, once he placed it in, he looked up towards her, waiting for his next instructions.  
“Okay, cover it back up and then read these words out, exactly as they appear. Don’t fuck it up.”  
He sighed and rolled his eyes, not even sure why he was still there, why he hadn’t gotten back into his car and drove back to the hospital already.  
“Fine.” He cleared his throat and began to read out the strange words that were on the piece of paper… but it was difficult to even pronounce them.  
“How the hell do I say any of these jumbled words?”  
“They aren’t jumbled, you idiot. Just try, don’t think too hard about them.”  
He tried to say the words, but his mind was on Sam and his vision blurred.  
“Dean, Just God damn focus.”  
“Fine, it’s not that easy to do. You know, my brother could be dying, and I’m here playing in some stupid dirt, doing some stupid occult ritual with a bone, dirt and a picture of me. This is ridiculous. I don’t even know why I even came here with you.”  
He turned back to his car, shoving the paper into her hands.  
“You’re here Dean because somewhere deep inside, you know that this will heal your brother. You can’t explain it, but you know...”  
“Yeah, whatever.”  
“Fine. Go back to the hospital; spend the last hours of Sam’s life, listening to his lungs rattle with fluid, wheezing, until he suffocates and flatlines.”  
He stopped mid-step and closed his eyes, taking in a deep inhale of air, what if this worked? What if she was telling the truth? He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself knowing he had the chance to save him, he couldn’t save his mom but if there was a possibility of this saving him... He couldn’t walk away.  
“Fine. Give me the paper.” He snatched the paper from her hand and begun to read the words, when he finished he looked at her, waiting for the next instructions. She smirked at him.  
This was a stupid idea, she was messing with him, it was all a big game to her.  
“You fucking bitch. You think it’s funny to mess with people? Go to hell!”  
He turned back and begun to walk to his car as he heard his name being called by another voice, “Dean Winchester, Well Well Well.”  
What the hell? How did everyone know his name? He spun around to face another lady, and looked around, how did she get there? There was no one but them around here, he hadn’t seen her coming.  
“Who the hell are you? And how the hell do you know my name?”  
The lady slowly made her way to him, smiling.  
“Let’s just say it’s a long story and move on, we don’t have time. You want to save your brother?”  
“Yes. But how the hell are you going to do that.”  
“I can make it happen, by the time you reach the hospital; Sam could be sitting up in his bed completely healed, the doctors calling it a miracle… but… I need something in return….”  
“Yeah, what’s that? My soul?” he scoffed.  
The lady just smiled at him,  
“Oh you got to be joking right? If I offer up my soul, you will somehow heal my brother from something that the doctors can’t even explain?” he smirked at her. The lady was crazy. Must have thought he was an idiot.  
“Oh you can scoff Dean Winchester, but no, I’m not joking. Sam’s life saved and for payment, I get your soul in return. I’ll even give you 18 months before I come to collect. What’s one little soul for your brother’s life saved?”  
He stared at the woman for a moment, she was serious. She was actually serious.  
“Seriously? You can heal Sam, and all I have to do is hand over my soul? He won’t die?”  
“Right.”  
“Well okay then, do it.”  
The other woman laughed, “Let’s seal it with a little kiss.”  
“Oh hell no, sorry but…. “  
“No kiss... No deal.”  
He rolled his eyes.  
“Fine.” He finally said this was ridiculous, he moved forward and bent down to kiss her, expecting just a press of lips, and felt revolted when he felt her tongue push into his mouth.  
She broke the kiss and smirked, “I guess I’ll See you in 18 months.”  
He turned around to look at Meg, but she was gone when he turned back so was the woman.  
What the hell was that? He thought. After a minute of turning around in irritation, not seeing where they had gone he started back to his car, then climbed in and made his way back to the hospital. He didn’t know why he bothered coming. The two women were batshit crazy.

****************  
Castiel made his way outside the hospital, they had checked most of the building and he was nowhere to be seen, he rushed towards the car park and found Dean shutting his car door.  
“Where have you been Dean?” he asked feeling both relief and irritation washing over him, they had been worried sick, frantically trying to find him.  
‘Whoa, I went for a drive, what’s wrong? Is it Sam?” Dean asked, colour leaving his face.  
“No there has been no news about Sam, but we’ve been looking all over for you.” He felt the irritation fade away as he noticed how tired and anxious Dean was.  
“Come back into the hospital, Bobby and Gabriel will be glad that you’ve been found.”  
Dean nodded once and begun to walk back to the hospital.  
Something was wrong, but he couldn’t put his finger on it, Dean wouldn’t have gone for a drive while his brother was lying in the hospital and his condition unknown, and why couldn’t he locate him?  
“Dean, where did you go?” he asked as he reached his side and kept up his pace with him.  
“Just a drive around the block, I couldn’t stay here doing nothing. “  
“Next time, please tell one of us.”  
“Cas, please, I don’t need to be babysat all the time, I’m not going to do something to hurt myself, not while Sam is in there and possibly dying. Just relax alright and stop with the questions.”  
He didn’t say anything; he remained by his side, quiet. Dean didn’t understand just how dangerous it was for him to be out alone, not when something was happening between heaven and hell.  
They made their way back to the room, Bobby and Gabriel reached the room only minutes later.  
“Where did you find him?” Bobby scowled  
“Hey, I’m right here, I just went for a drive around the block. Geez, the way you are all acting, anyone would think I was under house arrest.”  
Castiel glanced at both Bobby and Gabriel shrugging his shoulders, “I found him getting out of his car.”  
Just then the door opened, and the doctor who had spoken to them earlier stepped inside smiling.  
“Well, I am pleased to tell you, Sam is okay. We don’t understand how, though, but he woke up and began pulling at the wires, caused quite a scare when the heart monitor began to flatline, had 4 nurses running from the nurses’ station into his room to find him sitting up asking for his brother. “  
Castiel glanced over at Dean, who was standing to the side, appeared to be going over something in his head and then looking up at the doctor surprised.  
“Are you sure?” he asked.  
“Yes, he wants to see you. We’re just moving him out of ICU, and I’ll return when he’s been transferred to the ward and settled. “The doctor nodded at them all and left the room.  
  
Something was definitely wrong. Castiel needed to get to the bottom of it, not that he wasn’t pleased that Sam had made a full recovery but something was amiss. Angels or Demons wouldn’t just change their mind unless they were toying with them, showing what they could do if they really wanted to, but both he and Gabriel were already aware of what could go wrong.  
Gabriel caught his attention and nodded towards the door; they excused themselves and stepped outside.  
“I don’t like this,” Gabriel said the moment they were out of earshot.  
“Me neither. What could this mean… Change of plans?”  
“I don’t know, but something is up with it, what is the point of putting Sam at death's door to then completely heal him again?”  
“That’s what I was thinking, there’s something more we don’t know.”  
“Where did Dean say he went? “  
“He said he took a drive around the block but something else must have happened, we couldn’t locate him, if he had just driven around the block, we would have seen it.”  
“That’s what I thought. I’m going to sneak around and see what I can find out. I know a few angels who owe me, and I’m going to cash in my favours.”  
“Alright, I’ll tell Dean you’ve gone back to the house to collect Sam some clothes.”  
Gabriel nodded and left, he went back into the room and stood near the wall, observing Dean sitting back in the chair, head resting back, eyes closed until the Doctor returned and showed them to the ward Sam had been moved to.  
Sam sat upright on the bed, a broad smile stretching across his features as he caught sight of his brother.  
“Hey!”  
“Sam, you’re alright!”  
“Yeah, yeah they don’t know what happened, they said it could have been an allergic reaction to something I ate. The doctors are going to do an allergy test to see if I react to anything. Are you alright, you look pale.”  
“I’m feeling better now that you’re okay. I thought I had lost you. Thank god you’re okay!” Dean threw his arms around his brother, squeezing tight.  
“Whoa, not so tight, I might be healthy, but my bones can still crack.”  
Dean chuckled and pulled back. “What? Can’t I be happy that my little brother is healthy?”

Castiel glanced around the room, searching for any sign of demon presence; he didn’t feel comfortable that Sam was so exposed in the hospital. He or Gabriel will have to stay here to watch over him to make sure no other Angel or Demon is able to get close to him again,

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

Dean looked up as he heard a knock on his door and found Castiel standing politely waiting.

“Are you ready to go?” he asked with a slight frown wrinkling his forehead.

“Yeah, give me a sec. I will meet you in the car.”

Castiel nodded, his eyes lingering for a second before turning and walking down the hallway.

He sighed.  The four days that passed Since Sam was taken to the hospital had been agonising. Every night after he came home from spending time with Sam, Castiel was gone; nowhere to be found. They had spent no time together, other than the quick “Hello.”, Before Castiel left the room. He didn’t ask where he had been, or where he was going. He didn’t know what was happening between them, or if there was even anything there anymore.

 He had himself to blame; He didn’t make any effort to find him or make any kind of conversation.  It was evident that Castiel regretted what had happened between them and now he spent his time avoiding him.

He tried so hard to keep those thoughts from entering into his mind; he needed to concentrate on Sam. He was afraid; afraid that if he let the thoughts come, it would take him down, down into that pit again, and right now he couldn’t be there, not when his brother needed him the most.

He grabbed his keys from the side cupboard and made his way down to the car, finding Castiel sitting patiently in the passenger seat, looking out the front window.

He stepped around to his side and settled into the seat, side glancing over to the other man as he clicked his seat belt in, then started the engine.

Sam was coming home, that was all that mattered. 

The car ride was quiet and a little uncomfortable. He wanted to scream at the man, wanted to demand answers for his avoidance. After all, he only had, to be honest about it, and he would be cool with it.

 By the time they reached the hospital, he felt annoyed at Castiel and shoved his seat belt aside, opening the door and then slamming it behind him, and headed towards the doors of the hospital, refusing to look at the other man.

 It was fine by him if that was how Cas wanted to deal with it, it didn’t mean that he had to be happy about it, or even accepting of it. He wasn’t some toy to be played with and then pushed aside.

He hadn’t paid attention to where he was going until he found himself standing at the entrance of the ward that Sam was staying. He took a deep breath.  Sam didn’t need to worry about him. He smiled as genuinely as he could; focusing on the fact that Sam was coming home and quickly stepped to Sam’s bed, finding him missing.

He glanced back towards the door as Castiel navigated through it. “Sam’s not here.” He said conversationally, as he sat down on the edge of the bed.  Sam must have been in the toilet or something. He fiddled with the ring of his keys, not wanting to look up and have to make any more polite conversation with Castiel.

“Dean, what is wrong?” Castiel asked softly.

“Nothing is wrong; I just don’t feel much like talking at the moment.”  He responded, keeping his voice low enough so the other patients wouldn’t hear him.  Willing himself to not look up into the blue eyes that he knew would be focused on him.

“I know there is something wrong if you would just tell me, maybe I can help.”

“No, like I said. I don’t want to talk. I just want to get Sam’s things together and go home. “He felt the bitterness begin to rise, there was so much he wanted to vent out, and questions that he wanted an answer to, but now wasn’t the time for it.  He heard a heavy sigh and held his eyes focused on the end of the ring, following around until his eyes finished at the other end. He wanted to look up, but he didn’t.

“Okay, well, when you’re ready to talk. I’m here.” Castiel huffed out in resignation.

He said nothing more, they waited 5 minutes before Sam appeared at the end of the bed, and Dean glanced over at him and offered him a smile.

“Bout time you came back, Sam. Are you ready to go?”

Sam looked towards Castiel and then back to Dean. “Uh, Yeah. I just need to put these away, and we can go.” He smiled wearily, moving to his bag and placing the toothpaste and brush away and lifting the strap of his bag over his shoulder.

“Okay, ready. Let’s go.”

Dean moved to stand up, shouldering the other bag and stepped past Castiel to the door, then exhaled a deep breath and pushed the door open.  Walking down the hallway, not waiting for them. He didn’t look back to see if they were following. He wanted to get back to the safety of his car, where he wouldn’t have to avoid looking at Castiel or face Sam’s questioning stare.

He could hear their footsteps fading behind him as he turned the corner and quickened his pace, taking the stairs 2 at a time rather than wait for a lift. 

He knew his behaviour was raising questions for Sam, but he just needed to be out of there and in the car.  

He heard the faded echo of Castiel’s deep laugh as he rounded the bend in the stairwell and kept pushing forward, picking up his pace and before he realised it, he had passed the ground floor and was making his way down to the lower levels. He stopped as he saw the sign that signified that he had reached the floor to the morgue and so he doubled back on himself and went back up the stairs.

By the time he reached the ground floor landing, both Castiel and Sam were there, Castiel reaching for the handle of the door that exited the stairwell. He stepped quietly back down a few stairs, keeping his distance.

“What’s up with Dean?” Sam asked Castiel, concern in his tone.

“I don’t know. I think he’s just tired. Dean hasn’t been sleeping well the last few days.  He might have been worried about you being here on your own.”

  
“Oh, so you’re not worried that he might do something like he did….. You know, what he did before with the sleeping pills?”

“No, I don’t think he will do something like that.  He will be alright.”

“I hope so; I wish I could help him feel better... “

Sam stepped through the door, and it slowly closed behind him, he was once again the only one in the stairwell. He had to stow his crap away, Sam didn’t need to worry about him.  It should be him worrying about Sam, not the other way around.

He waited a minute just to give them some distance and took a deep inhale of air, letting it out slowly and adjusted the bag on his shoulder and began his ascent again, flinging the door open and finding them not so far ahead. He jogged up to them and forced a chuckle from his chest.

“I missed the floor and went down to the morgue. “ Sam turned and gave him a wary glance and offered an unsure smile.  “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, course I am.”

“Oh, I just thought... You seemed... It doesn’t matter.”

“You worry too much Sasquatch.” He said teasingly, his smile faltering slightly as Sam turned his attention back to the way they were going.

They remained quiet for the rest of the walk out of the hospital and to the car, He placed both of Sam’s bags in the trunk and moved to his side and climbed in. He stayed quiet and listened to Sam talks about the visitors he had seen over the 4 days and complaints about the hospital menu choices. He glanced through his rear mirror every now and then to watch his brother.

He wandered over the cause of Sam’s recovery. Did he actually sell his soul or was it some freak allergic reaction to something? The doctors never found the reason for why Sam had collapsed.  They passed it off as a fault, his body releasing too much histamine which then caused his lungs to close up.

Was that really the cause? If it really was because he sold his soul. What did it mean?  It couldn’t be that bad, losing his soul; maybe he wouldn’t feel the guilt and pain of his mum’s death.  Can you live without your soul? He cursed under his breath; he hadn’t bothered reading the bible, or even caring for religion for that matter. After his mom's death his faith dwindled to almost nothing, he didn’t’ care about what the Bible said, or what a soul meant.

Maybe he could ask Gabriel or Castiel, but how could he ask them? They would think he was crazy. They might be named after some Angels, but that didn’t mean they would believe him.

He stared back through the front window and paid attention to the road ahead as they reached the end of their street; it was pointless worrying about something that he didn’t even know was real or not.

He pulled up to the front door and helped Sam take his things inside and up to his room. He sat down on Sam’s bed and insisted that Sam rests for the remainder of the day.

“I don’t want to have to rush you back into the hospital, so do what you’re told Sam and get into Bed; we can play a game of cards or something.” He argued back at his now sulking brother who stood arm crossed at the door of the room.

“I don’t need to rest Dean. I’m not a child anymore.”

“Sam. You just spent 4 days in the hospital after you nearly died. You will get into this bed and rest even if I have to pick up your overgrown ass and carry you into it myself.”

“Hmmpf” Sam grunted indignantly and skulked over to the bed and climbed in.

“Good. That wasn’t so hard was it?”

“I just don’t see why I have to rest. “

“You need to rest. Doctors’ orders Sam.” Dean replied sternly.  “Now, what do you want to play, you pick.”

 

**************************************************************

Castiel stood to the side of the door listening to Dean and Sam as they argued. He didn’t understand what was wrong with Dean, Why he had avoided him and refused to talk to him. Had he done something wrong?  He let out a low sigh and went down to the kitchen, finding the room empty.

Gabriel was still searching for the Angels who would be able to tell him anything that was happening in heaven and Bobby was out collecting hunting supplies. He had offered to go get them himself, but the old hunter just grunted and said he was capable of getting the salt himself.

So that left him to stand idle and do nothing, making sure Dean and Sam were safe.

He strolled around the kitchen looking at all the decorations they had put up just over a week before and felt the sharp stab of desire for it all to go back to then, when everything was simpler when Dean wasn’t ignoring him, apparently regretting what they had become to each other.

He wanted to ask Dean about it, but it was never the right time with watching over Sam during the night and then searching the hospital in case any Angels or Demons decided to go after Dean while he was there.

 He had not been able to say any more than “Hello” and what made it worse was that the older Winchester seemed angry at him and wouldn’t allow him any time alone with him. It was frustrating.

They didn’t have any idea of where Dean went 4 days before if he had just driven around the block or took a detour if he had met someone on the way. It was all too coincidental that Sam happened to miraculously recover as Dean got back, but Dean had said nothing about it,

He, Gabriel and Bobby were way over their heads, they were fighting against two Archangels and an uncountable amount of Demons in their quest to protect the boys.  He started to feel like it was a stupid plan that was going to fail sooner or later. He just hoped it would be later rather than sooner. Both boys needed to recover.

Bobby arrived back first with a full bag of supplies; several large bags of salt, empty shell rounds and 30 litres of water and a large brown bag containing rosemary beads and silver crosses on chains. When Castiel raised an eyebrow, gesturing to the bag, the old hunter gave him a look that suggested for him to not ask where he had got them from.

He helped Bobby place salt lines around the window ledges starting from the top floor, then to the second floor, avoiding Sam’s room while the boys were in there, and lastly down on the ground floor. By the time they had finished Gabriel had reappeared, bringing someone with him.

“Balthazar, what are you doing here?” Castiel asked sounding surprised.

“Gabriel told me what’s happening. I thought I would offer my services. Besides, I don’t want the apocalypse starting any more than any other Angel.  Although our brothers won’t be pleased that I have joined forces with you. I would rather keep our big brother in the pit.” Balthazar looked around at the hallway.

“Love what you’ve done with the place, Gabriel.”

“You haven’t seen anything yet… I’ll show you around… “Gabriel moved towards the stairs and then waited for Balthazar to follow…. “What do you think about filling this place with fake snow?”

Balthazar chuckled and shook his head as he moved up the stairs.

 

********

Nothing changed over the following week, Dean didn't go back to work, Vince had refused to take him back once he heard what happened to Sam. Dean was grateful, not wanting to leave Sam's side. Although Dean continued to avoid him whenever they were left alone, making excuses to leave the room he was occupying.

 At night Castiel spent time in his own room, rather than enter Dean’s room uninvited; asking Gabriel to check on him through the night. The nightmares weren’t as frequent, but there were some nights where he had heard Dean call out for his mother or for Sam. He wanted so much to join him and comfort him, but he didn’t know if his support would make things worse than they already were. Balthazar had taken the large room at the top of the third floor. The third floor consisted of a bathroom and a large room which would have been refurbished from being the attic at some point in the earlier century.

Dean didn’t take to Balthazar straight away; taking his dry sense of humour to heart which left Balthazar watching a seething Dean leaving the room in a huff. Sam, as he expected, didn’t have too much of an issue with Balthazar, he would talk to him about England and the history of the kings that once ruled the island.

Gabriel and Balthazar took the boys Christmas Shopping which he had offered to join them, and Dean told him that he wasn’t needed, that they could do it without being babysat by him. He refused to allow him to go to his psychologist appointment, instead opting to take Sam with him, while he was on break from school. Which Castiel presumed was because he didn’t want to let Sam out of his sight for too long.

It was a long, long week and Castiel’s nerves were fraying quickly. Gabriel teased him mercilessly, accusing him of moping around and demanding he go and sort it out with Dean and to not take no for an answer, He retorted by telling Gabriel to mind his own business.

The whole plan was crumbling, his and Dean’s bond didn’t appear to exist, so he spent more and more time in his room away from questioning looks of Bobby, the taunting from Gabriel and the silent treatment of Dean. He didn’t know how he could fix it, but he wished that everything would go back to the way it was. There was just 1 week before Christmas, and he didn’t want the tensions to rise anymore in the house. Dean wanted Christmas day to be special, and he wouldn’t let any of what had happened to change that. Christmas day had to be special for both Sam and Dean.

 

 

He decided to go shopping and find something special for both Dean and Sam, something would make Dean happy.

He searched the stores at the local mall, but he found nothing that Dean would enjoy. He thought back to what Dean liked, but there were slight differences between the Dean he knew from the old timeline and the Dean of this timeline. Dean still loved classic rock, and he still loved his food, but he couldn’t think of anything else.

He travelled to the Winchester house and looked around and moved into the attic, searching through their old boxes, there had to be something in the boxes that Dean would love restored more than anything. He searched through them for almost 2 hours, being careful to not break anything that was fragile.

Castiel sighed in frustration.  It was much harder than he had anticipated and almost gave up when it came to him. He smiled to himself and left the Winchester house, he knew what he wanted to get, and he just hoped he could pull it off.

He found the store he wanted and purchased the item he wanted, smiling smugly as he left the shop and then located his next part of the gift. By the time he had finished, he had gotten more than he had hoped for and with a broad smile, he returned back to the house, entering directly into his room so he could hide the gifts.  Once he hid them behind a simple Enochian spell, that hid them from any human who might walk into his room, he made his way out and down to the kitchen.

He found Gabriel pulling an apple pie out of the oven.  Sam and Dean were sitting chatting with him on the stools. He quietly phased out of time slightly, only Gabriel noticing him entering but quickly returning his attention back to the boys before they saw him looking over in his direction. He moved over to the counter further away and leant against it, wanting to just observe Deans relaxed demeanour for a while. He hadn’t seen it in some time; every time he was around, Dean squared his shoulders and stiffly walked out of the room.  

“Sam, that’s not true, I wasn’t singing into the toothbrush. I was checking to see if you did anything to it.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes!”

“What about that time you played the air guitar in just your towel and socks, skidding across the tiles or the time you had your back to the mirror and quickly turned to face it winking?”

“That’s a lie too!”

“Uh huh. Sure. “

“Shuddup…”

Sam let out a howl of a laugh.

“Make me.”

“Bitch.”

“Jerk.” Sam snickered.

“You should have seen him, Gabe.”

“If you don’t shut it, I’m gonna tell Gabe about that time I walked into your room, and you had a rule-“

“Okay, okay!” Sam jumped up and put Dean in a headlock causing Dean to laugh harder.

It was nice to see Dean so carefree; he just wished Dean was like that around him. The two boys eventually quietened down when Gabriel placed a slice of the apple pie in front of them both. Both picking up forks and stuffing the first mouthful into their mouths. Dean then turned to look at the spot where he was standing, something shifting in Dean’s expression. Was it a disappointment? Sadness? Dean’s attention turned back to the pie and stayed quiet, stabbing at a piece of the pie and toying with it before scooping it up and wrapping his lips around the fork. He felt something twist down south and almost groaned at the beginning of an arousal starting to rise.  

Gabriel glanced quickly in his direction while the boys were busy eating and smirked. He scowled in response. “Quit it, Gabe, I just don’t want to interrupt them while Dean’s at ease.”

Gabriel’s smirk widened into a huge grin, but he said nothing as to not alarm the boys. Castiel looked away and smirked, he could say anything to Gabriel, and he wouldn’t be able to say a thing to him. He tucked that idea away in his mind for another time.

He was far too concerned with everything that had happened with Heaven and Hell confused about why they had just stopped. Also worried about Dean, but he felt a loss, a profound loss of the Friend and Confidant that Dean had become to him over the time they shared together in both the old and new timeline.

He retreated from the room and went back to his own room, picking up the book on his side cupboard and resting against his pillow.  He would wait for Dean to come to him about the problem he has with him. That’s all he could do without pushing him further away.

The next 5 days went by just as slowly, Dean still hadn’t spoken to him unless it was necessary to do so and he continued to stay out of Dean’s way. It pained him to do so, it was hard. He stayed mainly in his room, avoiding Gabriel, Balthazar and Bobby. He didn’t care for the questioning looks and teasing comments.  He felt the melancholy creep in a little more as each day past, for an Angel, it wasn’t an easy feeling to experience, it was troublesome, and he just couldn’t find the energy to smile, or engage in a conversation. He missed Dean so much, it was worse than when he stood to the side and watched over him. This was worse because Dean was angry with him, he wouldn’t even look at him.

The next day was Christmas Eve, and they all planned to celebrate by having a small 5 man party, he and Jess were invited to join them, but he declined, and Jess had to stay at home with her family. He didn’t want to darken Dean’s night.  So he planned to stay out of the way, stay in his room, Wrap the gifts he had brought everyone and then read some of Bobby’s books. It wasn’t what he really wanted to do, but Dean came first, his happiness and safety were everything.

He sighed and placed the book back in his side cupboard, it was all so confusing and difficult to understand. Why hadn’t Dean spoken to him, or came and shouted at him? Anything would be better than the cold shoulder treatment he was receiving.


	17. Chapter 17

Dean woke up to the sound of Christmas music blaring through the house, groaning as he peeled his eyes open, it couldn’t be that late in the morning. The air was cold and crisp, and he pulled the blankets tighter around his body. He was not going to get up yet.

♬“Sleigh bells ringing, are you listening? ♬

♬In the lane, snow is glistening. ♬

♬A beautiful sight, we’re happy tonight. ♬

♬Walking in a winter wonderland.” ♬

He pulled a pillow over his head in an attempt to muffle the music, but it didn’t work, the music appeared to grow louder. After another minute he flung his blankets back, pushing himself out of the bed and made his way into the hall to complain about the music. His feet hit a cold white substance that covered every inch of the floor, and he recoiled, running back into his room and slipping on his shoes.

He stormed down the hall, kicking at the white substance as he made his way down the stairs, every floor was covered in the stuff, and it looked like it had snowed inside the house. He followed the music until he reached the formal living room. Gabriel and Balthazar stood grinning in front of the fire, looking pleased with themselves.

He glanced around the room before settling his glare back on the two of them.

“What the hell?” he demanded.

“It’s Christmas Eve!” Gabriel grinned and gestured to the surrounding floor.

“Do you like it?”

“Can you turn that music down?” he shouted over the noise of the music, then waited, glaring.

Gabriel lifted an eyebrow in question but turned the volume control down to a much quieter level.

“What on earth is going on?”

He heard the deep voice behind him and froze, he wasn’t going to turn to see him there, looking sorrowful and puppy eyes at him. He sighed in frustration, squared his shoulders and stormed past him without so much of a glance in his direction. He wasn’t in the mood, he spent half the night twisting and turning, unable to sleep, thinking about Castiel, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. He managed to drift off into a peaceful sleep as the sun began to rise, which couldn’t have been more than 3 hours ago.

He climbed the stairs back to his room, shutting the door a little harder than he had intended. He shrugged and moved back to the bed, toeing off his shoes and flopping on to it.  It was Christmas Eve, a time when his mum would prepare the turkey, wrapped up last minute presents. They would sing Christmas carols and spend time in front of the TV watching Christmas movies. He stopped watching the Christmas movies after his Mum died, but he could still remember that last film. The young boy left alone at home and hilariously defended his home from two robbers. His father had laughed so much that his sides hurt, his mother’s eyes streamed with tears. He felt the sadness creeping in; the loss of those moments screamed like avoid ripping open in his chest, sucking everything good into it. There would never be another movie with his Mum, would never see his Dad laugh so hard that he was bent over in stitches.

He rolled onto his belly and pulled the pillow over his head in an attempt to shut it all out.

Who was he kidding? This Christmas would be no different to the last 7. The void that his mum’s death left will darken the day, sucking in everything that was light, transforming it into a darkness that crept into the crevice of every cell.

He drifted into a dreamless sleep and woke again several hours later, Sam pushing on his shoulder.

“G’off Sammy.” He groaned as he turned around to find Sam above him, smiling.

“Get up.”

“No, it’s too early. Lea’ me alone.” He tried to pull the pillow back over his head to shield his eyes from the light coming through the curtains.

“Dean, it's 1 o’clock, get up.”

“I don’t wanna.” He covered his eyes with the back of his arm and tried to drift back to sleep.

“If you don’t get up, Gabe said he and Balthazar would come in here and sing Christmas carols until you do.”

“Ugh, Jesus! Fine! I’m up.” He dragged himself into a sitting position blinking away the bleariness, his limbs felt heavy, and his head throbbed slightly. He needed a lot of coffee to deal with the day. He mechanically dressed and shuffled out of the room and down to the kitchen, noticing that the horrible white substance had disappeared. Cas probably had something to do with its removal.

Gabriel handed him his coffee, and he slumped down onto his stool, glancing at the vacant spot where Castiel use to stand each morning. He felt the disappointment wash over him like a tidal wave, and he didn’t know why it still affected him, each day was the same, he glanced over, and Castiel wasn’t there, but the disappointment didn’t diminish, it instead seemed to grow stronger.

He glanced around; the kitchen was empty except for Gabriel.

“Where’s everybody?” he asked, voice still thick with just waking from sleep.

“Bobby and Balthazar are out shopping or something…. Sam was here a moment ago, probably in his room. Castiel is reading, or maybe sulking... I don’t know. “Gabriel paused and looked meaningfully at him. “What’s going on with you and Cassie?”

He looked down at his mug of coffee, not wanting to really talk about it.

“I don’t’ know what you mean, nothing is going on.”

“C’mon, it’s not hard to miss the way you two have been acting around each other; you’re avoiding each other like the plague. Something is going on, and it should be cleared up before tomorrow.”

“Gabe, I don’t want to talk about it. It’s personal. Okay?”

“Nah ah, I’m not leaving this… the house is filled with tension, you need to talk to him, get it all out in the open and listen to him. He thinks you regret things.”

His eyes snapped up to look at Gabriel.

“I regret things? I think you have it the wrong way Gabe, it is he who started avoiding me, only speaking to me when it was necessary. He disappeared the next morn….” He huffed out a breath before continuing. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. I probably screwed it all up anyways, like I always do.”

He picked up his coffee and left the kitchen, making his way to his room. He didn’t need Gabriel’s interference. They didn’t need to talk, no, he got the message loud and clear. He didn’t need to hear them come out of Castiel’s mouth to know the score.

He placed his mug on his side cupboard and stripped off his clothes and went into the bathroom to take a shower, stepping in once the steam fogged up the mirror. He flinched and stepped back at the sudden intensity of the heat on his back but slowly inched his way back into the spray, allowing the heat to thaw the cold that enveloped his body and soul.

No, if Castiel wanted to talk to him then he would come and talk. He wasn’t prepared to make a bigger fool of himself than he already had.

By the time he stepped out of the shower, his body was bright red and the heat thawed every bone and muscle he possessed. He slowly dried and dressed, checking the time as he put on his watch, he had been in the shower for over 45 minutes; the time had slipped down the drain with the water.  He had just over 5 hours until he could drown it all in a bottle of alcohol. He sighed and straightened his shoulders, he would act normal for Sam’s sake, pretend everything was fine and dandy, even though the storm hovered within his soul and didn’t look like it would be clearing until long after the holiday was over.

He stepped into the living room and found Balthazar standing with a glass of something in his hand, and he raised his eyebrow in question, looking pointedly at the glass.

“It’s never too early to start celebrating.” Balthazar offered as an explanation, lifting the glass in a salute before downing what was left in it.

“Care to join me?” He looked over his shoulder at him as he picked up the bottle to pour another.

“Uh, Yeah, why not.” He replied, stepping closer, glancing around the room.

Balthazar handed him the glass and took a sip of his own drink, then just stared at him, pursing his lips, his blue eyes so much different to Castiel’s and yet still felt like they were reaching down into his soul. He looked away, breaking the eye contact and took a seat on the couch and took a large gulp of the whisky for something to do.

“So, what made you come back from England?” he asked conversationally.

“I grew bored, and decided to come back and spend time with my brothers,” Balthazar responded, still watching him as if trying to work something out, it made him feel a bit uneasy so he knocked back the rest of the whisky. Balthazar reached out to take his glass, refilling it and then handed it back.

The room fell silent, it was uncomfortable, and he didn’t know what to say to him, they had nothing in common. The clock ticked in the background, seeming to grow louder as the room grew thick with the silence until Balthazar once again spoke.

“So, what’s wrong with you and Castiel? I haven’t seen him so withdrawn for a long, long time. The last time was when our…. “He trailed off and stared contently at him. What was with the two of them, first Gabriel and now Balthazar? He sighed.

“How much do you know?” he asked resigned to answering, as little as possible if he could.

“Nothing, that’s the problem, I have heard things from Gabriel, but I want to hear it from you.” Balthazar’s tone was flat, and it unnerved him.

“I don’t mean to be rude, but it’s none of yours or Gabriel’s business.” He retorted.

Balthazar’s eyes turned into slits as he took a few steps forward, putting him closer than Dean would have liked.

“Oh, it is our business. That’s our brother, and he’s distracted from… he’s unhappy, and that concerns us.” His voice was as sharp as his eyes.

He swallowed hard and looked up at the blonde haired man and sighed, he was right, if it was Sam, he would demand to know what was wrong, would demand the other person to tell him.

“Fine. We…. We... umm... “He didn’t know how to say it,

“Oh, just spit it out. I have a fair Idea of what you and my brother have been doing.”

He closed his eyes, readying himself for the judgements; the anti-gay slurs, and looked back up, just blurting it out as fast as he could.

“We fooled around In the bedroom…. And Cas avoided me after…” Dean knocked back the contents of the glass, feeling something sink in his stomach, it sounded worse when he said it out loud.

His eyes snapped back up when he heard Balthazar chuckled. Balthazar’s eyes were soft, the corners crinkled from smiling.

“Oh dear, you and my brother are idiots. You know that right?”

“What?” He looked up puzzled,

“Dean, you foolish man. He hasn’t been avoiding you. In fact, he thinks you’re avoiding him. “

“You’re lying.” Dean didn’t know what to think, he thought back to that morning, No, Cas had avoided him, he didn’t see him until later that day when he woke him to tell him about Sam, and he had remained distant towards him. That warmth was gone, he stopped coming in to stay in his room, and he practically stopped speaking to him entirely.

“No, you’re wrong. “ Dean retorted.

Balthazar took his glass from him and turned to refill it and then handed it back.

“No, I’m not wrong, neither is Gabriel. “

He knocked the drink back, feeling the effects of the 3 large glasses of whisky numbing at the edge of his mind.

“Yeah, You guys are wrong.” He repeated as he thought back, trying to piece it all together, it didn’t make sense, none of it made sense.

“You weren’t here, you don’t know anything.” He replied weakly.

“The morning Sam was taken to the hospital, Cas was on an errand, he didn’t get back until just before he got the telephone call from the hospital.” His eyes snapped back up to Balthazar and then stood up, finding the room swaying slightly.

“How would you know that?”

“Castiel told me.”

“Oh.” He glanced down at the empty glass, that explained why he wasn’t there, but it didn’t explain the distance that he put between them.

Balthazar sighed, “I think you’re gone enough now to go speak to him, you aren’t going to find out what happened unless you ask. Cas thinks that you regret what happened, that you have been giving him the cold shoulder to not be reminded of it.  He has stayed away from you to give you space.” Balthazar shook his head, “This is like dealing with Children, trying to spell it out. “

He stared blankly at the other man.

“Go, get out of here. Go up there, because Castiel won’t come to you first. He thinks you want space, you’re as foolish as each other. Get out of my sight, or I’ll enlist Gabe's help to carry you up there and lock you both in.”

He placed the glass gently on the coffee table and turned and left the room, his pace quickening as he took off up the stairs. He didn’t know what he was doing, he just knew he needed to talk to him, see him. Balthazar was right, they needed to sort this out, and he felt a mixture of emotions buzz through him. Most dominant was anger if it was true, why hadn’t Cas came to see him and ask him?

 

 

Castiel stood at the window, staring out at his father’s creation, watching the tree branches sway as the wind swept them back and forth.

He heard the door swing open behind him, the door handle crashing against the wall and he turned slowly finding Dean standing just inside the room, fists clenched tightly, his shoulders squared and breathing heavily, his eyes took on a distant look.

He said nothing to him, just continued to stare, he knew Dean well enough that he would say what he wanted to say when he was ready. He just didn’t know what he would say, what he would be angry at him about. They were, after all, two consenting adults that night, and it was Dean who had initiated it.

Dean levelled his shoulders and started towards him, picking up speed as he came forward. He remained still, facing him until Dean’s hands took hold of his shirt and roughly pulled him, turned him and slammed him against the wall, anger bubbling just under the surface.

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me? Dean growled out.

He smelt the whisky on Dean’s breath,

“Dean, are you drunk? “He asked, forgetting what Dean had asked.

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” Dean asked again,

He tried to understand just what Dean was referring to, had someone said that He, Gabriel and Balthazar were Angels?

He stared into Dean’s searching eyes, unable to answer him. Dean stared at him, his face twisted into something mixed between anger and hurt. He found lips crashing down against his, it took just a second for him to realise what was happening and he responded just as fiercely, licking into Dean’s mouth, tasting the remnants of the whisky still lingering, his whole being sighed with relief as the fire began to coil in his stomach. Dean pulled away and shoved him hard against the wall again.

“Why didn’t you just come to me and ask me if I regretted anything?” he growled before kissing him again. There was something tantalisingly arousing about the whole scene,  he pulled Dean closer to him and deepened the kiss, licking deeper into his mouth, realising just how much he had missed it.

Dean pulled back again and looked down at him, the anger still burning harshly.

“Why the fuck didn’t you fucking tell me that you had to go out and do things that morning?” he kissed him again, rougher, more desperate than before, he couldn’t think straight enough to answer him.

The kiss heated quickly, Dean pulling him closer to the bed, undoing his shirt and then the buckle of his pants, his own hands busy removing Dean’s shirt and undoing the buttons of his jeans, by the time they reached the bed they both wore nothing but their socks.

Dean pushed him onto the bed and straddled him, looking down at him, eyes blown nothing but a thin line of the green peeking from the edges of his pupils. He stared up at him for a briefest of a moment before he pulled him down towards him, and flipped them around, pulling Dean below him, moving his mouth down his neck to the hollow below his chin.

Dean lifted his head back, giving him better access as he continued to kiss down his chest, stomach and down to his thighs. Massaging one as he continued to kiss back up to the base of his erection, and continued to lick a stripe up the underside, then suddenly sunk down, filling his mouth with Dean, he groaned as the feeling of home washed over him. Dean moaned softly and gripped the back of his head, burying his hands in his hair and tugging at his scalp slightly, causing a small spike of pain that made him groan and grind his own arousal into the mattress, seeking the friction.

He hollowed his cheeks as he wrapped his hand around the length of Dean and sucked a little harder, causing Dean to moan a little louder. His other hand trailing slowly downward until his fingers ghosted over the ring of muscles, Dean flinched, and he waited patiently while he got used to it and then realised that the lubricant he had gotten was in the bedside drawer. He knew it probably could end badly if he were caught but he didn’t want to stop what he was doing, He used his grace to call the lubricant to him.

He looked up, peering through his lashes to find Dean lying against the pillows, eyes closed and felt a small amount of relief that he hadn’t noticed. He flipped the lid of the tube with his free hand as he slowly worked Dean with his other, pulling back and licking the head of Dean’s erection as he concentrated on using just one hand to lubricate his fingers. Once he was sure his fingers were well and truly covered with the gel he went back to working Dean with his mouth as his fingers slowly ghosted across the ring of muscles again, waiting patiently for Dean to relax.

He pushed slightly and waited for a moment before pushing a little more; he continued to slowly work his finger until he pushed past the first knuckle, waiting to see if Dean would object. His cock throbbed as Dean moaned out his name and tugged at his hair a little harder.

He gently worked Dean Open with his finger, adding a second finger slowly, pushing in little by little. Dean moaned softly as he pushed down on his fingers. Cas moaned and kissed the inside of Dean’s thigh, grinding against the mattress, seeking more friction.

He glanced up towards Dean, finding him watching, eyes glazed and lips parted.  He raised himself and moved up to kiss Dean, his fingers still working in and out, as Dean panted. “Cas…… come on... Don’t mess around…”

He looked down at him, looking into his eyes, “Are you sure?” he whispered back, bringing his lips down to Dean’s, and nipping at his lower lip.

“Yes… Cas… please…” Dean looked up, his eyes unfocused, lips pink… He wanted to capture the way Dean looked, seer it into his mind forever.

He leant down and kissed him again, deeper as he moved himself to hover above Dean, grabbing the pillow from beside Dean’s head... “Lift your hips.” He whispered against Dean’s jaw as he begun to kiss and nip down it. Dean lifted his hips, and he slid the pillow beneath him. He blindly felt around for the lubricant and squeezed a large amount on his own cock and making sure to cover the whole of his length with the gel.

“Cas... Please… hurry…” Dean whispered out, nipping at his neck, he groaned at the feeling and lined himself up and pushed slowly inside, taking his time, pulling back slightly as he rocked gently into him, pushing a little more each time, then waited for Dean to relax again as he pushed in a bit more.  Dean surprised him by wrapping his legs around him and used his heels to push him the rest of the way inside. He gasped as the hot, tight heat wrapped around him and he didn’t know how long he would be able to hold out, the sensation of being inside him was almost too much to prevent himself from Cumming. He held himself in place for a moment, adjusting to the feeling, willing himself to calm down, to relax, he wanted to make it feel good for Dean, and he didn’t want it to be over that quickly.

As he felt the urgent feeling give way he began to slowly rock, small movements turning into bigger movements until he was fucking into him without holding back. Dean moaned, head thrown back, hands gripping his hair.

“God… feels... Good, Cas… so… good…” he mouthed the side of Dean’s jaw, down to his shoulder, nipping gently as he continued to rock into him. He felt the slow build begin and wrapped his fingers around Dean’s length and started to work him at the same pace, increasing the speed slowly.

Dean moaned louder as he began to topple over the edge, he adjusted his position slightly, managing to find the angle he wanted and pushed sharply, finding the sweet spot, causing Dean to gasp, eyes shut tight as he went over the edge.

He watched as Dean spilt over his own abdomen causing the urgent tingling to spear him forward, rocking his hips harder and faster into him as Dean gripped at his hair.

“God… Dean…. You’re... Beautiful…. “He managed to say before he plummeted over his own edge, rocking into him, leaning down to kiss him deeply as he did. Once he was spent, he slipped down carefully and fell to the side of Dean, exhausted, panting and sweaty. Dean lay still beside him, smiling, attempting to calm his own breathing.

“Dean, I’m so sorry. “

Dean turned his head to look at him, still slowing his breathing.

“For what?”

“For not leaving a note to let you know where I was going before I left. I thought Gabe would tell you when you asked where I was, I just didn’t think. For that, I am Sorry….. I am sorry for not going to you sooner, for not asking you what was wrong too.”

“Cas, wait, you did ask me, almost a week ago… remember? At the hospital. I didn’t ask Gabe that morning where you were, I didn’t want to hear him make excuses, I just assumed you regretted what happened. So it’s me who should be sorry. “

“Perhaps we were both responsible for what happened. Promise me, Dean, that in the future, you will come and ask me?”

Dean yawned and moved closer to him, resting his head on his shoulder and hand on his chest. “Yeah, I promise, next time I will ask you.”

“Thank you.” He murmured, looking up at the ceiling as he heard Dean’s breathing quieten and slow down into deep even breaths.

He felt his body finally relax, tomorrow was Christmas day, and he couldn’t wait to give Dean his gifts.

He slipped out from under Dean and went into the bathroom, warming up a cloth and taking it back to the bed to clean away the white crusty substance on Deans' stomach and threw the washcloth on the side cupboard, slipping back inside the covers and raising Dean’s head gently to tuck his shoulder underneath. He remained that way until he woke Dean at 7, reminding him of the party they had all organised. Dean groaned slightly as he stood up, and he looked up towards him, concerned.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, just… um… I guess sore. “Dean smiled, picked up his clothes and turned towards the bathroom, he watched as he limped a little. He hadn’t thought about what discomfort Dean would have after.

He got dressed, trying to make himself look nice for Dean, wearing his blue sweater and Jeans, and then waited for Dean to finish up in the shower and come out of the bathroom, looking more awake and fresh than he had seen in a while.

Dean walked towards him and leant down to kiss him gently, “You look very nice.” He said before straightening back up. “So we ready to go?” he asked still smiling.

“Yes,” was all he could manage to say, feeling a loss of words at the sudden tenderness of the kiss. He stood and followed him out of the door.

They tiptoed down the stairs and slowly walked into the kitchen, where everyone had been talking until they entered, every head was turned their way, all conversation had stopped.

“So, you two lovebirds kissed and made up?” Balthazar asked when no one else said a word.

“Uh, Yeah. Everything is fine.” Dean choked out and then looked over at him and smiled. They both walked to the counter where Gabriel had placed another two shot glasses and poured Sambuca into them, then pushed the glasses towards them.

“You have 2 more to go to catch up with the rest of us.” He grinned, as Dean looked away, Gabriel winked at him, and he gave him a stern look, shaking his head slightly. He hoped that he got the message; he didn’t want Gabriel to make Dean uncomfortable.

By the time midnight came around, Dean and Sam were merrily drunk, arms wrapped around each other singing an altered version of jingle bells, Bobby sat on a stool, watching them with a broad smile and glassy eyes. Gabriel and Balthazar stood beside him, leaning against the counter nearby, watching the two brothers enjoying themselves. It was the first time that any of them had seen the brothers so happy and carefree, all lines smoothed out of their features.  None of them wanting to interrupt the rare moment so they silently watched on. 

“You know Sammy, you're my best brother. Did you know that?”

Sam snorted. “I’m your only brother.”

“That doesn’t matter… I am so proud of you… you gotta know that. Yeah?”

“And I’m proud of you, Dean… you’re the best big brother anyone could ask for.”

“just as well coz I’m the only brother you got.” Dean snorted out a laugh.

“You’re gonna go far, Sammy… you’re gonna be the best damn lawyer the world has ever seen.”

“And you’re gonna be best…. Mechanic…….. Ever…… “

“Damn straight I am, love ya Sasquatch. Merry Christmas, this year is gonna be the best year ever.”

“Dean… I’m gonna be sick,” Sam attempted to move to stand but stumbled back.

“I’ve got you, Sammy… hold my arm,“ Dean stood and braced himself swaying slightly as he took hold of Sam’s hands and pulled him up straight, and then wrapped his arm around Sam’s waist and helped walk him out of the kitchen and up the stairs, both staggering a bit.

He followed behind them, to make sure neither of them fell back down the stairs, chuckling to himself at their displays of love. Once they made their way into Sam’s room he turned back down to the kitchen, Bobby waved good night and left to go to his own room, leaving just the 3 of them in the kitchen.

“So that was fun, “Gabriel said grinning. “Sam is a hilarious drunk.”

“You probably shouldn’t have allowed him to drink so much; he’s still a minor and just got out of the hospital.” He scorned, although he silently agreed, it was entertaining to watch the brothers when they lost their inhibitions and acted without thought.

“Oh c’mon Cassie, it’s not like we couldn’t heal him if something happened and he was with 4 adults and Dean who will be officially an adult next month. Nothing bad was going to happen; none of us would allow that.” Balthazar responded smiling.

“Yes, well one of us has to be the voice of reason.” He said, unable to hide the smile.  “I’m going to see if they are alright, if I don’t come back down, I’ll see you both in the morning.”

He made his way to Sam’s bedroom and knocked the door, waited until he heard Dean Whisper for him to ‘come in,’ he quietly entered and found Sam tucked in beside Dean on the bed, fast asleep and snoring. Dean slowly eased himself out of the bed and stood swaying; turning to smile at him. He could see Dean’s eyes shining from the moonlight filtering through the crack in the curtains. Dean placed his finger to his lips, indicating for him to remain silent and he smiled, nodding as he stepped towards him. He hooked his arm around Dean’s waist and helped him to leave the room quietly. Once outside the room, Dean stopped and looked at him.

“This was a great night Cas… I’m s’glad you came. It was the best night ever.” He leant heavily against his side, and Castiel helped him walk to his room, opened the door and led him to the bed, helping him undress.

“Cas. You’re staying with me… right? You’re not going to leave me?”

“I am staying with you, I will stay with you for as long as you want me to.”

Dean climbed onto the bed, “Good, now get your sexy ass in here.” He winked at him and fell back against the pillows. Castiel grinned and undressed while Dean watched him as he did.

 He slid into the bed and pulled Dean closer to him, wrapping both his arms around him.

“Cas... Don’t ever go, okay? My life is better coz you’re in it, I don’t want it to hurt again… promise me.”

“I’m going nowhere, I promise for as long as you want me I’ll be here.”

Dean yawned and tucked his face into his neck, “Good, because I love you and can’t lose you, ever....”

The room filled with the sound of Dean snoring softly, and he remained still, thinking about the words Dean had said. Did he really love him, or was it a slip of words because he was drunk? He didn’t want to think more of it, but he felt something warm grow within him and for the first time in days, everything felt like it would work out, they would win the war against the Demon’s and Angels, everything would be alright.

He brushed his lips against Dean’s hair, inhaling the fragrance of the shampoo that still lingered. “I love you too Dean, Merry Christmas.” He whispered tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. “God, I love you.” He rested his cheek against his head and closed his eyes, thinking about the life they will have once the danger passed over.

 

 


	18. Christmas Day

Dean woke with a start when he felt the weight of someone on his feet, groaning he slowly cracked open his eyes, finding himself staring up into the face of Sam.  
“Ugh, what Sam?”  
“Merry Christmas!” Sam smiled down at him.  
He felt the dull thud of a headache and licked his lips, his mouth feeling like cotton, and then turned finding Castiel was gone.  
“I just saw him go to his room,” Sam answered, glancing over to the empty side of the bed.  
He turned back to Sam and smiled. “Merry Christmas, now get off me so I can get up.”  
Sam jumped off the bed and bounced to the door. He had no idea how the kid could be so energetic after the amount of alcohol they had both drank the night before.

He swung his legs over the side, the movement causing pain to shoot through his eyes. Groaning again, he closed them and rubbed his temples.  
He turned towards the door as it opened again. “Sam, I will be down in a minute. Jesus.”

“Good morning Dean, Merry Christmas.” His head snapped around as he heard Castiel’s voice, groaning as his head throbbed again.  
“Merry Christmas Cas.” He slid back onto the bed, leaning against the headboard as Castiel stepped over to him. He looked up into blue eyes and smiled; before noticing two packages to the side of Castiel on the bed, wrapped in red Christmas paper, repeated pattern of Santa sitting on his sleigh tiled across it. He looked up towards Castiel and then back to the packages.

“I wanted to give you these before we go downstairs.” He said as he handed the thin square present to him.

Dean took it from him and then leant down towards his side cupboard and opened the drawer, pulling out the gift he had brought for Castiel. He was nervous; he wasn’t sure if he would like it. He paused for a moment, chewing his bottom lip between his teeth and then straightened up, handing it to Cas.  
“I, I want you to know if you don’t like it. We can go and exchange it.” He continued to bite his lower lip until Castiel’s thumb ran across it, causing him to release it.

“You didn’t have to get me anything Dean, but I’m sure I will love it.” Cas smiled and nodded towards the present in Dean’s hand.

He looked down at the very neat and impeccably wrapped the gift in his hands. No one except Sam and Bobby had brought him a gift for half a decade, and he felt tears prickle the corner of his eyes; he half wanted to tuck it away, leave it inside its perfectly wrapped paper.

He could feel Castiel’s eyes resting on his hands, so he began to lift up the one edge, making sure not to rip the paper. Once it was lifted up, he started to undo the sticky tape that ran down the centre of the present, still trying to stop the tears from becoming a flood, he chastised himself internally for being so sentimental about it.  
When he finally reached the other end, he opened it and peeled back the paper and gasped. Head shooting up to look at Castiel; he was smiling. He looked down, staring at the perfectly preserved LP. He turned it over in his hands. “Led Zeppelin” stood out at the top of the sleeve cover, “II” below it in black. He drank in the sight of the cover, it looked brand new, but that was impossible; he turned the cover over, and that’s when he noticed them. Four autographs scrawled on the back of the sleeve.  
“Dean Best wishes Jimmy Page,” “Best wishes John Paul,” “Merry Christmas, all the best Robert Plant,” “John Bonham." He stared at the signatures, his vision blurring; slowly he moved his eyes to stare back up at Castiel, who remained quiet and still, watching him.

He looked back down, unable to say how he felt; he pulled the record out of the sleeve. The record looked new; it was as if it was never touched or played and there wasn’t a single scratch, smudge, or mark on it. He flipped it over; no marks, scratches or blemishes. The vinyl smell was still strong as if it was brand new; just left the manufacturer. He couldn’t find his voice; he looked back up again.  
“H-How did you get this?” he finally asked, still trying to find the words he wanted to say; he didn’t expect such a rare gift.  
“Do you like it?” Cas asked a little unsure.  
“I-I love It.” He felt the tears begin to roll down his cheeks, and he smiled; he carefully placed the record back into the sleeve and placed it beside him. He then leant forward to pull Castiel towards him and kissed him, trying to show him just how much he loved it. He pulled back and rested his forehead against Castiel’s looking into his eyes, “I love it so much, thank you Cas, God, Thank you.” He breathed out.

“It’s my pleasure; I’m so relieved that you like it,” Castiel responded a little breathless as he pulled the other gift in front of him and pushed it into Dean’s hands.  
Dean looked down at the large oddly shaped gift which was wrapped the same way as the first one. It was much, much bigger in size, and he began the slow process of peeling the sticky tape off without ruining the wrapping.  
He finally removed all the sticky tape and pulled back the wrapping paper finding a black case; he lifted it gently and placed it on the bed, scanning the shape.  
He carefully lifted the two metal clips, snapping them open and lifted the lid. He inhaled sharply as he recognised it, it was a Gibson Les Paul guitar, the very same one that Jimmy Page had played; he scanned over the guitar until his eyes rested on a black scribble of a signature; Jimmy pages.

He exhaled in a rush, not realising he had been holding his breath. “Oh. My. God. Cas. Where did you get this? This is awesome. This is... This is… Oh my god.” Dean gently moved the guitar and case out of the way and pulled Castiel down onto the bed, positioning himself above him.

“I love it, “He kissed him, “I love it” he kissed him again. “Oh, my God. I love it.” He kissed him with everything he had. “I love it so much Cas, Thank you, oh my God, Thank you.”

Castiel chuckled beneath him, “You’re welcome Dean. I’m really glad you like it because I couldn’t take it back.”  
“It’s awesome Cas, how did you get them? They are perfect. Oh my god.” Dean stared down into his eyes, 3 words on the tip of his tongue, he wanted to say them, he really did; he never felt so much for someone before, but it was too soon. He didn’t want to scare the man off. He opened his mouth, and snapped it closed, and then bit down on his lower lip; it was too soon. He smiled and leant down and kissed him again. “Thank you, Cas.” He whispered against Castiel’s mouth.

Castiel smiled up at him, eyes sparkling.  
He worried his lip and Castiel frowned forehead wrinkling.  
“Dean, what’s the matter?”  
“I- my gift for you, it’s… it’s nothing much -not like what you gave me.” he bit his lip a little harder, feeling ashamed that he couldn’t get him something as awesome as the one's Cas had given to him.

Castiel smiled gently and lifted his hand to run the pad of his thumb against his lip, gently pulling it from beneath his teeth and lifted his chin so their eyes met.

“Dean, I am sure I will love what you have chosen for me, it is from you and that's all that matters.” He leant up and gently pressed his lips against Dean’s.

He didn’t feel reassured, but he nodded anyway, not wanting to ruin the moment. He lifted himself up and moved to the side of Cas, and leant over to pick up his gift from where it had rested near them, he paused for a moment, staring down at it before handing it to him.  
He resumed biting his lower lip as he watched Castiel’s fingers move carefully to Unwrap the present.

Castiel discarded the paper and smoothed his thumb over the lid of the black box and then opened it slowly, and looked down at the gift inside.  
Dean held his breath, his eyes darting from his face to the black leather wristband sitting inside the box. A rectangle silver plate with the name "Castiel" inscribed with large silver wings on either side. When he saw it in the store, he knew he had to buy it. He hadn't given it a second thought when he rushed into the store and asked for them to make the inscription say "Castiel."

He glanced back up finding Cas still staring down at the box, his thumb smoothing over one of the wings. He held his breath, waiting; his mouth felt dry, and he swallowed the lump in his throat. Castiel finally looked over at him, and he couldn't find the words to ask him if he liked it or not, but with a closer look, he saw that Castiel’s eyes were watery. Had he done something to upset him?  
"Cas?" he asked in barely a whisper.  
Castiel suddenly pulled him closer to him, hugging him.  
"I love it, Dean, Thank you. It's wonderful." He then kissed the top of his head. "It's perfect."  
"Really? You really do like it?"  
"Yes, More than you could know," Castiel replied, his breath hot on the top of his head.  
The room fell silent, and neither of them was prepared to move until they could hear Sam’s voice coming from the bottom of the stairs.  
“Hey, Dean! Cas? Are you guys coming or what? Everyone is waiting.”  
He sighed heavily and pulled away from Castiel.  
“We should go down before Sam comes up here again.” He grinned before adding, “Maybe I could show you how much these mean to me later?” He raised his eyebrows a little before getting off the bed and walking towards his drawers.  
He couldn’t see Castiel’s face, but he could feel his eyes watching him, so he took more time than necessary picking out his clothes, and then slowly put them on. When he turned back around, he found Castiel right behind him, and he sucked in a breath. He didn’t think he would ever get used to him being so close. Castiel smiled sheepishly. “I look forward to it.” He then leant up and kissed him in a slow, evenly measured way that made his body react, right down to his toes. By the time Castiel pulled back, he felt dazed and took a moment to shake the fog away. Castiel stepped out of his space and tilted his head, taking in the sight of him before turning and walking towards the door.  
“We should get downstairs.” He said as he opened the door and stood to one side, waiting for him.  
“Er... right.” He said shaking the last of the feeling away and leant down to pick up the two large bags that stood hidden between the wall and is drawers, making sure he had found everything he needed.

They made their way downstairs to the living room; everyone was already seated, waiting for them. Dean glanced around the room as everyone’s heads turned towards their entry.  
“Merry Christmas!” he cheered into the silence.  
“Merry Christmas!” everyone in the room cheered back.  
Balthazar already held a glass of liquid that suspiciously looked like alcohol, talking to Gabriel in quiet whispers while Sam and Bobby watched he and Castiel move further into the room, Bobby’s eyes smiling as he looked at him and Sam.

Dean sat beside Sam on the sofa and began pulling out the gifts; he had spent the best part of two hours wrapping several days before and placed them on the coffee table in front of him. He felt nervous; it was the first time he had brought others besides Bobby and Sam anything, and he hoped they would like what he had got them. He had a hard time finding something for Balthazar as he didn’t know much about him except that he lived in England and was Gabriel and Cas’s brother.

He flicked his tongue across his lower lip and glanced in the direction of Castiel, who was smiling in a way that made his heart skip.  
“They will like what you have given them. Don’t worry so much.” Castiel’s voice was quiet and barely a rumble, and that made his heart beat considerably quicker. It was intoxicating, and it sent a little shiver down his spine. He nodded and looked back towards the others in the room and decided to start with Sam.

He handed Sam a smallish box. Sam whooped and shoved a larger box into Dean’s hands. He then went about the business of unwrapping his gift as Dean watched on, his gaze flitting between Sam’s face and hands, waiting for his response to his present.

“Oh! “ Sam let out a sound of surprise as he looked down at the new mobile, then turned to Dean and pulled him in for a one-armed hug. “Thank you! This is awesome... Did you know that this can browse the Internet? I mean, I read that this was coming out two months ago, Wow.”  
“You like?”  
“Yeah! It’s awesome. It’s really awesome. Thanks, Dean.”  
He couldn’t help but smile at his brother's excitement; he had known that Sam had wanted the Nokia 7110 from before it had even been released, and he had been saving the money for it, and with staying with Gabe and Cas he had been able to put a lot more money aside.  
“You’re welcome, Sam. You deserve it.”  
He looked down at the box in his lap and lifted it and began to strip away the paper; the box held no clues to what was inside. It was a plain cardboard box; he shook it gently listening, trying to work out what it could be and then focused on opening one end of it. There were five cassette tapes inside. Each labelled Mix Tape Vol one right through to Vol five. He glanced over at Sam, who went on to explain what they were.  
“I thought you would like your favourite songs playing in the car since you’ve now started to listen to the radio. “

He looked down at the tapes and smiled, “Thanks, Sam. I love them! “It had been so long since he listened to anything on his car radio, in fact, he couldn’t remember the last time he had turned his radio on before the few weeks before, nor did he remember why he had stopped listening, but he had, and it had been many years. He threw his arm around his brother’s shoulder and gave him a left one-armed hug and turned back to the gifts on the table.

He picked up the remaining presents and stood up to hand them to Bobby, Gabriel and Balthazar and then quickly sat back down; Feeling nervous.  
He got Bobby a bottle of Wild Turkey Bourbon, a new navy blue cap and a beer holder. For Gabriel, he had brought a large pack of warhead candy, a humour apron that said, “I’m short. I’m concentrated awesome”, and a recipe book which boasted to have every chocolate dessert recipe that existed and for Balthazar, he decided to go with Alcohol and brought him a bottle of Drambuie. He sat nervously, his hands fidgeting until Bobby pushed three gifts into his hands.  
He looked down at them and found they were from Bobby, Gabriel and Balthazar. So he busied himself by opening them.  
The first one he opened was a pendant; it featured what looked like a star in the centre and rays of the sun on the outside; at least that what it looked like to him.  
“I was told that the symbol warded away dark energy, something ancient I thought you boys would like,” Bobby explained as both, he and Sam placed them around their necks.

“It’s awesome Bobby, Thank you.” He smiled looking down at the symbol. Something about the symbol felt familiar to him; he had seen something similar in a book at Bobby’s, lying open on the desk back when he and Sam had stayed over.  
He turned to Bobby, who seemed relieved and then looked down at the next gift from Balthazar. He began to Unwrap it slowly, not really sure what he would find inside, he hadn’t expected anything from the man who he had only known for a week.  
He removed the wrapping and looked down at a silver ring; there were some of the symbols he had seen in the book that Cas had said was Enochian. It looked expensively made; the engraving was cut deep and clear. He had no idea what it meant, but it looked really cool, and he glanced over to Balthazar, who was watching he and Sam closely. He smiled and lifted the box slightly and thanked him.

Castiel leant over and explained to him what the symbols that were engraved meant. “It is supposed to ward off Angels who wish you harm.”  
“Oh, I see. It’s awesome! “He replied with a smile as he put the ring on a finger on his right hand. He opened the last present which was labelled from Gabriel and gasped as he stared down at the picture of his mom smiling happily, her arms wrapped around both, he and Sam.

He remembered that day. How his dad had made silly faces to get Sam to smile, which made them all begin to laugh hysterically. He stared down into his mom's eyes; bright and filled with so much love for her family.  
He felt choked up and had to force himself not to cry. He hadn’t seen the photograph since the day they moved from their childhood home when their father had taken everything that reminded him of Mary down and packed them into boxes and ordered both him and Sam to leave the boxes alone. The picture was in a silver frame that looked like a book; it had two sides. The right side had the picture window; the other side was engraved with a poem.

“Do not stand at my grave and weep,  
I am not there; I do not sleep.  
I am a thousand winds that blow.  
I am the diamond glint on snow.  
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,  
I am the gentle autumn rain.  
When you wake in the morning hush,  
I am the swift, uplifting rush.  
Of quiet birds in circling flight.  
I am the soft starlight at night.  
Do not stand at my grave and weep.  
I am not there; I do not sleep.  
Do not stand at my grave and cry,  
I am not there; I did not die!”

By the time he reached the end of the poem, tears had spilt down his cheeks, the poem was beautiful, and they were perfect for his mom, he felt Castiel’s arm around him, and he quickly ran his hand over his cheek and forced a smile and turned looking at him.

“I’m fine. It’s beautiful.” He turned looking up at Gabriel. “It’s beautiful Gabe, thank you.”

Gabriel gave a nod then smiled over at him.

****************************************************************

Castiel glanced over to Balthazar and Gabriel; brows furrowed. They had been quietly talking about news from an Angel, who had spoken to Gabriel. It appeared Hell and Heaven were both ordered to leave Sam and Dean alone, to neither approach nor attack them. That should have been a cause for relief but when it came to Demons and Angel’s that was just something else to worry about. What happened? They certainly wouldn’t give up their plans for the apocalypse. The demons had for centuries looked forward to the day Lucifer would be set free, the Archangels had been happy for something to follow, ever since God disappeared, they had been lost, waiting for orders that would give them something more to do. They believed the apocalypse would give them just that.

Gabriel glanced over at him and gave a slight nod, so Gabriel was also concerned by this new development. He watched Dean quietly talking to both Bobby and Sam. He was more certain than ever that something happened that day at the hospital, and he needed to find out what it was, but how, though? He could ask Dean but what if nothing happened and then questions would start being asked. How could he ask him if a demon approached him without raising suspicion? Dean didn’t seem disturbed by anything, he hadn’t mentioned meeting anyone nor did he appear to have any questions about the possible existence of demons. Could it be that Demons and Angels are trying to find another way around it? Was that all it was?

“From what you have told me about what happened that day, it isn’t like Michael or Raphael or any Demons I have encountered to heal someone and then go home and give up. We need to find out what the bloody hell is going on. “Balthazar’s voice was almost a whisper that no one but he and Gabriel could hear him. He glanced back to the two of them and nodded slightly.

“Alright, we can talk about this later, let’s just keep this from Bobby for now; we don’t know what’s going on, and the last thing we all need is for Bobby to reveal who we are to Sam and Dean until we know for sure,” Gabriel spoke quietly back. Castiel nodded his agreement.  
There was no telling what would happen if they knew that they were living with three angels. Three angels who lied and pretended to be humans. They could want to leave, and then they were limited in their protection.

Gabriel let out a small sigh and looked towards the clock.  
“Okay, So who’s up for breakfast?” He asked cheerfully as if the conversation before had never taken place.  
Dean glanced up, “I’m up for it.” He grinned, “As long as there are a couple of aspirins and coffee to go with It.”  
“Aww, what’s a matter Dean-o? I thought you could handle a couple of drinks without a hangover.”

“Yeah, yeah I can, but not 10 shots of Sambuca, three shots of tequila and, what were those creamy ones?”  
“Eggnog,” Balthazar responded with a smile.  
“Yeah, that one,” Dean replied.  
“Okay, Aspirin and Coffee coming up. Cassie C'mon you can help me in the kitchen.”  
He nodded and stood up, giving Dean a smile before turning and leaving the living room, making his way to the kitchen.  
The kitchen counter was full of plates of food wrapped in aluminium foil and Clingfilm.  
“Are we expecting others Gabe?” he asked as Gabriel followed him through.  
“Nope, Just a bit distracted while I was making them. Has Dean mentioned anything at all that would suggest he had been approached by any Demon or Angel?”

“No, not a word. He is acting normal, well as normal as he has been since Mary died. Do you think I should ask him?”

“Probably not, but you can spy on his dreams, see if there is anything in them that can help us work it out.”

“I don’t feel comfortable with that Gabe; he deserves his privacy-“

“If you have a moral dilemma over it Cas, you know I’m more than happy to oblige.” He spun around, finding Balthazar stepping through into the kitchen.

“No, I-I will do it.” He didn’t like the idea of any of them spying on Dean’s dreams, but he definitely didn’t want Balthazar or Gabriel to do it. What if Dean dreamed of things that were private, like a sexual one, or worse what if the dream included him?

“Leave it to me; I will see if I can see them without him noticing me there. Can we leave this for today? We don’t need Bobby overhearing us and besides today is about Sam and Dean, giving them a Christmas they haven’t had since Mary died.”

“Agreed,” Gabriel responded as he began to take off the aluminium foil from the plates. Castiel stepped closer to the bench and started unwrapping the Clingfilm from the plates. Balthazar disappeared back out of the kitchen and into the living room.

The two of them worked silently for a while, making sure that there was room on the counter so that Bobby, Sam and Dean could rest their plates on to it. Gabriel made an assortment of dishes. Some were typical greasy foods; others were more nutritional, and he suspected they were created with Sam in mind. There were waffles, pancakes, fried, scrambled and poached eggs, Bacon, sausages, French toast, Fruit chopped to create a rainbow of colours. Yoghurt, plain and chocolate muffins, Crackers, tuna, salmon and something he wasn’t sure but looked a lot like an egg without the yolk.  
Gabriel poured three cups of coffee and a glass of orange juice and called for everyone to join them in the kitchen.

Dean let out a whistle as he took in the sight of the spread of food laid out on the counter, Gabriel looked pleased with the reaction and handed him a plate and then turned handing Sam and Bobby one too.

“Well guys, Merry Christmas,” he said and picked up a chocolate muffin and took a large bite and leant back against the counter, watching as everyone filled their plates high with what was offered.

He groaned inwardly and took a plate for himself and picked the first two things in reach; crackers and some yoghourt and took the seat next to Dean. He spent the next 10 minutes attempting to ignore the taste of the food as he forced it through his vessel's digestive system. It was so much easier when Dean was angry at him. He didn’t’ have to pretend to eat.

After breakfast, everyone helped clean up then spent most of the morning listening to Balthazar and Gabriel talk about the places they had been and funny stories of things that had happened.  
He remained seated next to Dean, watching him as he was laughing enjoying the light that sparkled within his eyes, the way his mouth would spread into a broad grin by the end of some stories and all out into a toothy smile at others. He would never get used to seeing Dean happy, without a care in the world, forgetting for those short moments what had happened in his life before, As if none of it ever existed.

After a light lunch, everyone dispersed from the kitchen when Gabriel shooed everyone away so he could cook the Christmas Dinner, the turkey had already been in the oven for over an hour. Although he didn’t understand why Gabe was even bothering with actually cooking, other than because of the enjoyment he gained from doing so.  
He and Dean made their way back upstairs. Bobby and Sam left to take a walk. Once they were inside the bedroom Dean turned on him, pinning him against the back of the door, kissing him without warning; not that he was complaining, when Dean pulled away, he gave him one of his looks.

“I’ve wanted to do that all morning.” He said playfully as he picked up his hand and walked back towards the bed. “I’ve wanted to do something else too.”

He allowed himself to be guided to the bed, and then gently pulled down so he was hovering above Dean.

Dean tangled his fingers in his hair and pulled him down into a kiss, as he felt his tongue brush against his. He groaned into the kiss and moved enough to rest on his elbow and using his other hand to trail down Dean’s chest until he reached the hem of his shirt, lifting it slightly so he could get under and trailed back up, loving the feel of hot skin under his hand. Dean groaned and gripped his hair tighter. He smoothed his hand over his chest.

  
Dean moaned quietly, and he smiled into the kiss and pulled away slowly.Castiel nipped down the side of Dean’s jaw and lifted the shirt higher, nipping every now and then until he was satisfied that the shirt was high enough before ducking his head and kissing a trail down Dean’s abdomen. Before he got very far, Dean tugged harder on his hair and gasped out, “No, Cas.”  
He stopped in his tracks and lifted his head to see dark eyes staring at him.

“Is anything wrong?” he asked, concerned he had misunderstood his actions.  
“No,” Dean whispered and turned onto his side; pushing him onto his back.  
“I told you before we went downstairs, that I wanted to show you how much I love the presents,” Dean said, smiling now.

Dean leant over him and kissed him again, more forcefully while his hands ran down his sides and around to his belt. Castiel groaned into the kiss as he lifted his pelvis up, seeking the touch that seemed promising.

Dean took his time undoing the belt buckle and then took even more time undoing the zip of his trousers. He was about to take over the undressing as Dean chuckled and put his knee between his thighs. He groaned louder, feeling the pressure against his now hard cock and gave an involuntary thrust forward. Dean chuckled again and pulled back. “Now, now, be patient” he grinned down at him as he tried to calm his breathing.

Dean hooked his thumb beneath the waist of his trousers and slowly eased one side down and then did the same with the other side. All the while looking into his eyes, he felt like whimpering out of urgent need but held it back.  
Dean eased the first side down a little further, and he raised his hips, signalling silently for Dean to pull them down a bit more, but Dean continued the slow undressing, moving once again to the other side to ease them down just that little bit more.

Castiel lowered his own hands down to the waist of his trousers to help take them down, but his hand was swatted away. He raised his eyebrow, and Dean chuckled. “Nah ah” Dean whispered. “Just wait, I’ll make it worth it.”  
Castiel sighed and let his hands fall down the sides of his body, allowing Dean to take control once again.

Dean leant down and resumed kissing him, this time taking less time to ease his trousers down. Castiel lifted his hips as Dean pushed them lower until they were down to his thighs. He felt the urgent need and throbbing and didn’t know how long he could stand the feeling. This was all too new for him, and he didn’t like it, being so helpless against the biological needs of sexual release.

He moaned out loud when he felt the heat of Dean’s hand cupped him over his underwear and had to hold back the instinct to thrust upwards as Dean slowly began stroking him with his fingertips. He closed his eyes to shut out everything, focusing on relaxing his body and control the sensations that were now plaguing his body.

Dean began to kiss down the side of his neck until he reached where his pulse would lie under his skin and began to suck gently. He moaned again wishing he could do something instead of lying still and unable to give pleasure himself.  
Dean’s hands moved faster than before, removing his underwear quickly and Castiel shuddered at the change in temperature, feeling his erection thump down against his stomach, waiting with anticipation for the touch that seemed to take too long to happen.  
“Dean Please.” He whimpered out, unable to hold it back anymore. His typical patience all but disappeared, replaced by the overwhelming need to be touched. He was finally rewarded when he felt a warm, callused hand stroke the length of him before gripping firmly and beginning to glide the length of him up and down. He wasn’t sure, how long he would last. The tingle had already started, and he felt his heart thud at an incredible speed beneath his ribs.  
Dean lowered himself down slowly, nipping and kissing his way until stopping when he was level with Castiel’s pelvis.

He felt the anticipation strengthen to almost like static, waiting for the soft wet heat of Dean’s mouth surrounding him. He readied himself, but there was nothing for a long time, just the lazy glide of a hand. He wanted to lift his head and look down, but he was using all his concentration not to go over the edge.  
He then suddenly moaned out of both surprise and pleasure as the long-awaited sensation took over everything. A hot wet mouth sunk down on to him, and he gripped the sheets tightly, his toes curling as he tried to control himself, remembering what happened the last time he bucked his hips up.  
Oh god, the feeling was so incredible, so intoxicating; he could lose himself in it forever.  
Dean picked up speed and used his hand to follow the path of his mouth, and he couldn’t hold back anymore.

“Dean... I- I—“ he took a deep breath trying to get the words out as fast as he could. “I'm not going to lasssssst.” His voice hitched at the last part as he felt himself topple over the edge, and it was wonderful and amazing, and he could feel Dean’s tongue on the underside of his cock as he swallowed.

  
When he finally began to feel the intensity of the orgasm fade, he slumped back against the bed, bone and muscle heavy. He opened his eyes, and he drank in the sight of the green-eyed beauty hovering above him, smiling down at him and then fell down beside him, pulling Castiel’s arm behind him so he could rest against his chest.

“Did I do good?” he asked in a way that said that he already knew he did.  
Castiel controlled his breathing and turned his head to look at him. “Amazing.” He said as he turned and pinned Dean down onto the bed, capturing his mouth just as Dean opened his mouth to speak again.

They both groaned as they both heard a loud knock at the door, he became aware that he was wearing nothing a second later and lurched off the bed, scrambling to find his clothes and then stepped quickly into the bathroom to get dressed. Once the bathroom door was closed, he threw his legs into his trousers and pulled them up as he heard Gabriel's voice.

“He’s in the bathroom?”

Great, he could almost hear the grin Gabriel would have, and inwardly groaned. He straightened his shirt and made sure the fly of his trousers was zipped up correctly, smoothed his hair the best he could and entered the bedroom.  
Gabriel turned towards him, his back to Dean and wiggled his eyebrows. He fought against the desire to roll his eyes and kept his expression stoic.

“Is something wrong?” he asked.  
“It depends on.”  
“On what?”  
“Well, there is someone here to see Dean.”  
He scanned the house with his grace and felt the presence of someone who he had not expected to show up. He sucked in a short inhale of air and turned towards Dean, who was propped up on one elbow regarding them both with curiosity.  
“Who?” he asked then looking towards Gabriel.  
“You probably should just come down and see for yourself,” Gabriel replied.  
Dean cautiously slid out of the bed and stepped over to the two of them and gestured for Gabriel to go first. Dean didn’t say another word, he quietly followed after Gabriel, leaving him to follow slowly behind, not sure how this would work out.  
They heard his voice before they entered the kitchen, and Dean froze at the sound of the voice. Castiel stepped to his side and rested his hand there and giving a slight squeeze to let him know he was right beside him.  
Dean turned to glance over at him, his eyes a mixture of surprise and fear.  
“I’m here Dean if you need to leave just look at me, then look towards the door, and I’ll make up some reason for you to leave. Okay?”

Dean nodded and turned back to the archway; taking in deep breaths then squared his shoulders and walked through to the kitchen.

“Hi, Dad.”

 

  
Note: This is the visual of the living room that I had in mind when I wrote this.  
[](http://imgur.com/W0nw7CD)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem that is on the left side of the frame was written by Mary Frye in 1932.
> 
> I'm not entirely happy with the chapter, but i have been spending so much time trying to rewrite parts that it just seemed to be getting worse with every new edit. I hope it's not that bad for you guys.


	19. Chapter 19

Castiel made his way to his usual spot, not wanting to intrude on the small family reunion.

“Hi, Son. Merry Christmas.”

John appeared tired; his eyes were bloodshot with a tinge of yellow, his skin looked slightly orange. He looked like he hadn’t shaved in weeks.

“M-merry Christmas Dad.” Dean looked towards Sam who was seated a distance from their father, arms crossed and scowling at John.

There was an uncomfortable silence, Dean stared at his father, Gabriel had his back turned, and slowly stirred at whatever was in the saucepan. Balthazar had disappeared out of the kitchen just after they came in.

John stared at Dean; a small uncomfortable smile froze into place.

The air became electric, and Castiel could see the muscles in Dean’s jaw flex several times, his shoulders squared, and his fingers twitched as they slowly balled into fists.

“I called you, and you didn’t return my call. “ Dean’s voice deepened as he tried to keep his voice down.

John looked down at the floor and scrubbed a hand over his face, then brought his stare back to Dean, offering no reply.

“What the hell Dad? Sam needed you, I was fucking scared.”  Dean stood his ground as John brought himself to standing only a couple of feet from Dean.

“Watch your tone boy!” John roared back at Dean.

Dean hesitated for a moment, taking a step backwards. Castiel unfolded his arms and took a cautious step forward ready to protect Dean if needed.

“Why didn’t you call me back Dad?” his tone now controlled and careful.

“I didn’t get the calls until 2 days ago, I have been in rehab Dean, if I had gotten the calls, I would have called you back straight away.”

Dean looked over at Sam and then back to their father.

“Rehab?”

“Yes, I realised I needed to stop drinking. I need to make things right. I came down because I want to talk to you and Sam, but not now.” John glanced towards him and Gabriel and then back to Dean.

“Okay, Fine.” He finally answered and turned towards Castiel and then back to his father.

“Dad, this is Castiel. He has been letting me and Sam stay here.”

John turned his attention to him, and he nodded stepping a little closer.

“Thank you for taking good care of my boys,” John said, smiling slightly. Castiel could see the pain, the guilt and shame John felt.

“It’s been our pleasure.” He responded just as Bobby stormed into the kitchen.

“John.” Bobby greeted stiffly.

“Bobby.” John nodded.  

Both men stood staring at one another as if they were trying to stare the other down.

“Where the hell have ya been?” Bobby demanded.

“I’ve been getting cleaned up.”

“Would a call have killed ya?”

John bowed his head slightly.

“I just couldn’t.”

Bobby remained silent, glaring at John for a few minutes and then his expression softened.

“So you got cleaned up?”

“Yeah, it was hard, but I had several reasons that kept me focused.” John glanced back towards Dean and Sam.

Sam continued to glare at his father; Dean’s expression had softened into something he could only believe was hope. He made his way to Dean’s side and leant against the counter as he briefly squeezed Dean’s hand. John didn’t seem to have noticed the exchange as he turned back to face Sam.

“Sam, I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you.”

“Yeah, really?”

“Sam.” Dean scolded.

“No, Dean. Just because he says he’s sober, it doesn’t mean he won’t do it again. He left you at the hospital Dean, he didn’t visit you, didn’t even bother to call to see if you were okay.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does. He can’t just come in here expecting that we will forgive him, Dean.”

“Sam.” John caught Sam’s attention.

“I know it’s going to take time for you to trust me and forgive me. I just needed to tell you how sorry I am. I want to be a better father to both you and Dean. You’re my sons.”

Sam stood and stepped into John’s space. “Maybe it’s too late. Did you think about that, ‘Dad’, that maybe I don’t ever want to forgive you for being such a shit father?”

“Son that’s enough!”  John squared his shoulders and stared Sam down. Bobby stepped forward, pushing them both away and stood between them, hands stretched out against both their chests.

“Now, come on, it’s the holidays. There is no need for this. John go get cleaned up. I will show you to my room, and you can use my shower. Sam go take a damn walk and clear your head. Dean go with him to make sure your Idjit brother does what I have told him to do.”

“Dean, Would you like me to come with you?” Castiel asked in a whisper as Dean made to step forward.

“No, stay here Cas, I think me and Sam need to have a little chat.”

“As you wish.” He replied. He didn’t like the idea of them being outside on their own especially since now the rings hid them from him. It was probably better if he phased out of time slightly and followed them at a distance to give them some privacy.

He nodded and watched as John followed Bobby out of the kitchen.

“Are you sure you’re both okay?” Sam was still glaring at the door that John had left out of.

“Yeah, yeah. It’s fine Cas, just a bit of a shock, you know? Sam just needs to relax a bit. “

“Yeah, whatever,” Sam replied stiffly, as he turned back to Dean, offering him one of his bitch faces.

Dean rolled his eyes and started towards the kitchen door. “Get your coat Sam and c’mon.”

Sam muttered jerk under his breath which Dean didn’t seem to notice and followed after him.

“Gabe, I’m going to follow them, just to make sure that they remain safe.”

Gabriel turned back from the cooker and nodded solemnly.  Castiel raised his eyebrow to question him, but Gabriel shrugged it off and smiled.

He nodded and turned and phased out of time, then followed them out the front door.

 

********************************************************

“I don’t know why you have to fight with him all the time Sam, he’s trying to make things right.” Dean started as they passed the cars that lined the front of the house.

“And I don’t know why you have to defend him all the time Dean, but you’ve always done that. You’ve always done what he wanted, forgave him for being away for weeks sometimes months. He has made promises before. When have his promises ever stuck Dean?”

“I don’t know Sam; there is something different this time. He seemed more sincere like he meant it.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Sam.”

“I just can’t let it go, alright? You have been taking care of me since I was 9, when I was scared, it was you who made me feel safe, he was never around. When he was home, he was in his room. “

“Sam he just lost his wife.”

“Yeah? We fucking lost our mom, Dean!”

“I know, but give him a break okay?” Dean sighed. “Let’s just see if he means it. “

“I'm not sure if I can. Besides all that, what does that mean now? Do we have to leave here with him? Dean, I don’t want to leave. This place feels more like home to me than anywhere we’ve been since mom died. I don’t want to go back to that house. I like being here with Gabe and Cas.”

“Yeah, I know, me too.” Dean agreed quietly.

They walked in silence for a while, doing a lap around the gardens.

He wasn’t sure if he was paranoid but he felt eyes were watching him, he glanced around but couldn’t see anything.

“If he wants us to go home with him, you know we will have to, right Sam?”

“Why? No, I’m not going.”

“Sam, you’re a minor, and if dad wants you back there, there isn’t much that can be done. Dad is going to need us anyways. What if we don’t go back, and he drinks again because of it? I don’t want that to happen.”

“Me neither, but I just don’t want to leave Dean. Everything about this place, the house, the gardens, Gabe, Cas, Balthazar. It feels good. Like we finally have a fresh beginning, no having to struggle to eat, you don’t have to work all the hours that Vince can give you to take care of me. I just don’t want to go.”

He nodded and continued walking in silence, he didn’t want to leave either, but his father needed him and family were important to him, and nothing would get in front of that. What about Cas though? Would that change things if he moved back with his dad?

“Sam, no matter what happens; we will be alright, okay? I’ll make sure of it.”

Sam shrugged and turned towards the front door and pushed it open, shrugging off his coat as he stepped through the threshold of the house.

He stood watching the front door, as Sam disappeared out of sight and then turned back to the cars. The Impala had been moved into the garage to his relief. He heard footsteps behind him and turned back to the front door. Castiel stood not far behind, eyes squinted and head tilted.

“Is everything okay Dean?”

“I don’t know Cas.” He answered honestly.

“When you think everything is going well, and you can look forward to things in the future, something happens. It always does and then….. “He paused before continuing, “I don’t know what will happen, and I'm not sure if I’m okay with that or not.”

“Dean, whatever happens, you should know I’ll be there to help you with whatever you need, Gabe too. You and Sam are not alone.”

“Thanks, Cas; you don’t know how much that means to me.”

“Dinners almost ready, we invited your father to stay here tonight, but he has declined, he said he would prefer to be back in his own bed at the house. “

Dean nodded and worried his lip before he turned to Cas, “Dad might want us to go back with him.”

“I know,” Castiel replied quietly.

“Sam doesn’t want to go back.”

“He is welcome to stay here, you too, Dean.”

He felt something clench around his heart and squeeze, he wanted so much to stay but if his father needed him to be there; he couldn’t turn his back on his father.

“Cas…. I… “He took a deep breath.

“I want to stay but if Dad needs me….. “

“I know Dean, I understand. He’s your father after all.” Castiel offered him a smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes, and he felt the tightening tug a little more.

“We can… still, see each other right?” he asked a little shyly and felt a little nervous as he waited for Castiel’s reply.

“Yes. I would like it very much if we could continue to see each other.” Castiel’s smile broadened, and he let out a breath of relief.

“Good. I’m so glad to hear you say that.” He grinned back before adding, “So you said something about dinner being almost ready?”

“Yes, Gabe was just finishing up in the kitchen when I left. I’m sure that he will be finished now.”

“Well, what are we waiting for then?” he took two steps towards the house and then turned back to Castiel. “Well, you coming?” he waited for Castiel to step beside him before making his way back inside.

 

****************************************

They stepped through the door as music drifted through from the living room, and they headed into the room, finding everyone there. Sam stood next to Gabriel, seeming interested in something he was saying. Balthazar was busy pouring wine into each of the glasses that were set at the table, except for one which was already filled with water.

 John and Bobby stood to the other side of the room. Every now and then John would glance in Sam’s direction and then pull his attention back to Bobby, a glass of orange juice in his hand.

Once Gabriel noticed Castiel and Dean’s entrance, he clapped his hands and gestured towards the seats. “So, are we ready to eat?” he asked into the room.

Everyone turned and took it as a signal to take a seat. Gabriel and Castiel disappeared, coming back with the starters. Gabriel had created a prawn and garden salad dish to start with. A thin slice of lemon resting on the edge of the glass bowl, with a seafood dressing, drizzled over the top.

Next, He and Castiel began to bring in the main course, Roast potatoes, Mash, Turkey, Stuffing, Peas, Broccoli, Cauliflower, Sausages wrapped in Bacon and several thick slices of ham. They finished with placing 4 large gravy boats onto the table strategically, so no one needed to reach too far to access one of them.

The room remained silent for most of the dinner, each enjoying the meal with the odd question every now and then.

Sam was quieter than usual, stabbing at his food a little before glancing down the table at his father, scowling before returning back to his meal to stab and shove it into his mouth.

Once everyone had finished eating and placed their cutlery back on their empty plates, the silence broke with Gabriel asking John about his travels; which caused further anger to flash in Sam’s eyes. Dean gave Sam a warning glance before turning back to listen to his father talking about the places he had been.

The conversation turned to Balthazar, who beguiled them all with stories of adventures that were, of course, modified to fit a human experience rather than an Angel’s. Castiel listened intently as he held Dean’s hand beneath the table, glancing every so often to Sam and John.

Eventually, the conversations fell into fun banter between the brothers and the Angels. They each had their own story to tell of one of the others, leaving the room roaring with laughter.

Gabriel and Balthazar left and brought back the first choice of dessert, which was a Black Forest Gateau which Balthazar had insisted on. Explaining it was a traditional dish in the UK. Gabriel wanted to bring in the Christmas pudding, but he was outvoted by 5 to 2. He wasn’t at all disappointed of course as the desert was suddenly declared as his new favourite.

Dean relaxed back against the chair patting his belly and finished the last of his fifth glass of wine, smiling taking in all the people who had come into his life and transformed it in just over a month.

It was nice and for the first time in so many years, he felt a content feeling wash over him, or maybe it was the turkey doing its thing, none the less he realised just how much they all meant to him. He glanced over to his father who was in deep conversation with Bobby and Balthazar and felt a warm emotion wash over his being.

It wasn’t the same as when they had Christmas with their mom, but it was far from what it could have been; finding his father smiling made him feel overwhelmed emotionally.

 “This is what mom would have wanted.” He thought to himself. It felt close to something like clarity washed over him, his mom wouldn’t want him to live the miserable existence he had been living. She would want him to be happy, find love, live life.

He turned finding Castiel watching him smiling, and he couldn’t help smile back.

“What do you say we go up and go for a nap?” he whispered into Castiel’s ear, looking around to see if anyone had noticed the gesture.

Castiel smiled and then nodded. Dean turned to Gabriel. “Gabe this was awesome, you should be a chef. I swear I would never leave the place you worked at. Thank you for making today awesome. You have no idea what this means to me… “He looked over to Sam and found Sam smiling and leaning back in his chair, eyes slightly misty, he was drunk.

“I think I might be speaking for Sam too.” He said as he turned his attention back to Gabriel.

“No problem Dean-o, I am glad you enjoyed it.”

Dean nodded and stood up. “If no one minds, I think I might just have a lay down. My stomach is about to pop with all the food Gabe made.”

John turned and nodded towards him.

“Sure, Can we talk later?”

Dean nodded. “Of course. Cas said you’re not staying here tonight?”

“No, I’m going to go back to the house and stay there.”

Dean felt suddenly like he was abandoning his father and he turned to Castiel and then back to John.

“You don’t mind me leaving?”

“No, Son, I’ll still be here for a while, I’ll go home later tonight.”

“Are you sure?” he glanced at Sam who still remained relaxed smiling, watching them both.

“Yes… Go.”

Dean nodded and obediently left the room, staggering a little as he took his first step up the stairs. The effects of the wine were making him feel a little warm and fuzzy.

He felt a hand on his lower back and turned back to find Castiel helping to steady him, and he continued up the stairs until he reached his room and then to his bed.

He fell face first onto the bed and smiled.

“Cas, today’s been the best. I didn’t know how I would feel today, but it turned out to be awesome. Dad’s here. It doesn’t feel real. We haven’t seen Dad on Christmas day for five years; he’s always out of town, too drunk in some sleazy bar to care about coming home. He’s here, you’re here.” Dean couldn’t stop the words falling out of his mouth, he just felt so good, so happy. It was such a long, long, long time since he felt that way and it felt really good. He turned over finding Castiel sitting beside him on the bed, smiling, and his cheeks slightly rosy.

He wasn’t sure if he was drunk, he had watched him drink almost a whole bottle of wine to himself, and then Gabriel dared him into drinking a line of shots. His eyes weren’t completely cloudy, but there was a slight glaze.

“Cas, are you drunk?”

“I might be, a little.”

“Really?”

“I believe so.”

“Come here.” Dean took hold of Castiel’s tie and pulled him down until their faces were only inches apart and noticed how his eyes were unfocused.

“I think you might be.” He chuckled and then leant in closer and kissed him.

Castiel groaned against his lips, and it made him smile,

 “God, I love the noises you make.” He said a little breathlessly as they broke apart to catch their breaths.

“Not as much as I like to hear you make them,” Castiel replied his voice thick and husky, the kind of voice that made his spine tingle and heart beat faster.

“Is that so?”

“Yes.” Castiel leant down and recaptured his mouth, while his hand ran down his stomach and then cupping the outside of his jeans. He moaned and lifted his hips, seeking friction. He heard Castiel chuckle and pull back slightly.

“Oh most definitely yes,” Castiel growled out, clearing his throat a little.

Dean laughed and buried his fingers into Castiel’s hair. “Well baby, if you keep doing what you’re doing, I’m certain I won’t be able to hold back the noises.”

“I’m counting on it,” Castiel whispered as he began to unzip Dean’s fly and slid his hand inside and used the heel of his palm to drag up the length of him.

“Oh, Jesus.” Dean moaned out, throwing his head back and panted. The feeling was heightened by the alcohol rushing through his veins, his lips tingled, and eyes blurred slightly.

“No, I’m Castiel.” Castiel chuckled at Dean’s throat.

Dean rolled his eyes.

“Smart ass.” He panted out as he lifted his hips up to meet Castiel’s strokes.

Castiel kissed down his neck, and he could swear every place he touched, he left it tingling and sensitive, it felt so good. He lifted his hips up again, and tugged on Castiel’s hair, rocking slightly against his hand.

Castiel stopped, and Dean moaned out his disappointment.

“Hey, don’t stop.” He whispered feeling a little abandoned until he felt fingers hook into the waistband of his jeans and slowly tugging them down.

“I don’t plan on it.” A deep voice drifted up to him, and he lifted his hips to allow his jeans to pass them.

He closed his eyes, wanting to savour every sensation and feeling. Without warning, Castiel sunk his mouth around him and he let out a loud moan and cupped a hand over his mouth. It felt amazing, feeling the soft heat of Castiel’s mouth and he had to control himself before he pushed the man’s head down to take him deeper. The urgency was more than he had ever experienced and a little overwhelming.

He felt fingers brush against the ring of muscles and he didn’t flinch, it didn’t feel uncomfortable or awkward. This surprised him, and he pushed down against the probing finger, the familiar burn felt less, maybe it was the alcohol, but it felt good, almost like a relief. Castiel worked him open slowly, peppering his inner thigh with small kisses.  He could do nothing but continue to cover his mouth for fear that the others would hear him, more importantly, his father. He wasn’t sure how his father would react, and he didn’t want to find out anytime soon.

Castiel slowly pulled his fingers away and climbed up to hover above him, his eyes dark and glazed and face flushed. He leant down and kissed Dean deeply, and Dean lost himself into the kiss as Cas pushed against the ring of muscles, slowly inching in bit by bit, rocking in a slow but fluid motion that made something tingle down Dean’s spine.  This time felt so much different. It was something more than just sex, something that he couldn’t explain and didn’t want to.

He moaned as Cas continued to rock into him gaining a little more speed as he pushed a little deeper and Dean groaned and pulled back enough so that their lips rested against each other’s as he took in deep breaths.

 The movements became long, fluid but gentle strokes of his body against his as he bottomed out. Dean moaned and closed his eyes as it felt like something finally clicked into place, that something that told him Castiel was his, and would always be, and that he was Castiel’s. He leant up and kissed Cas deeply, wanting to share with him the sudden feeling that washed over him, giving him everything he had, everything he was.

 The moves continued in the same measured movements as the tingle slowly began to build in both of them. Dean’s fingertips scraping down Castiel’s back until the tingle became more urgent. Cas slowly began to speed up his movements, both of them panting as the edge grew closer.

Dean gasped as the sensation washed over him, causing lights to flash in front of him and the overwhelming sensation rocked through his body, spilling fluid over both of their abdomens as he fell off the highest cliff he had ever been on.

 Castiel stiffened above him, he couldn’t’ see his face as his orgasm rocked through him, he felt him gently fall against his shoulder, and he relaxed back against the bed sheets as the last of the orgasm faded away.  

He didn’t know what to say, he had no words, and Castiel appeared just as mute as he buried his face against his shoulder, both lying silently panting, catching their breaths.

Neither of them moved for a long time, and Dean fell into a blissful sleep, exhausted.

 

 

He awoke sometime later, and Cas was gone, he checked the time and found it was 6:27 pm which meant he had only been asleep for about an hour.

He stared up at the ceiling, his father wanted to talk to him, and he didn’t know why, was he going to ask him to go with him tonight? If he did, he would have to go, but he didn’t want to. He was glad that his dad decided to sober up but Sam was right, things were getting better, things were good. What would happen if his dad began to drink again? They would be left abandoned for god knows how long and he couldn’t then ask for Gabe and Cas to take them back. He couldn’t say no, though, because his dad needed him; needed Sam. He wouldn’t be much of a son if he just left his father alone.

He groaned and pulled the blankets back and got out of the bed, stumbling slightly towards the bathroom to relieve himself. He might as well get the conversation out of the way; he wasn’t going to know what his father wanted until he did.

He fixed his hair in the mirror and splashed cold water on his face and noticed a small red mark across his collarbone. When did that happen? He had no memory of Cas ever sucking on his neck, it wasn’t even discrete, there was no way he would be able to hide it. He groaned at the imagined looks the others would give him if they saw it and walked out of the bathroom, and searched his drawers for a top that was high enough that might make it less noticeable.

After pulling out the second drawer he found a turtleneck in the far back corner and pulled it over his head. Relief washed over him as he stepped back into the bathroom to find the mark completely covered and then left to go downstairs.

He found his father, Bobby and Castiel sitting in the living room and made his way to an empty armchair. His father was the first to notice him enter.

“Hey Dean, Bobby was just telling us about a violent wolf he hunted down, maybe someday soon we should go out hunting with him?”

“Err, yeah, perhaps.” He didn’t like the idea of hunting and shooting an animal but it’s the first time his dad had ever talked about planning to do something together, and if that is what his dad wanted to do, then he wasn’t about to say no.

“Dad, umm, you wanted to talk? “

“Oh, Yeah, where’s Sam? I would prefer to speak with you both together… Make it easier.”

“I’ll go get him.”

“No, no we can go find him together.” John stood slowly and gestured for Dean to go first, so he nodded and turned and left the room, making his way to the stairs.

He reached Sam’s bedroom, and John knocked the door, waiting only a few seconds before Sam invited them in.

“Sam, Dad’s here, he wants to talk to us.”

Sam sighed and put the book he was reading down and turned to glare at John but didn’t say anything, so both he and John stepped forward and sat on the foot of the bed.

“Now boys, you already know that I have been in rehab, but I wanted to explain what has happened and where things are going.”

Neither of them said a word, they remained silent and waited for him to continue.

“Could you please for the moment just let me explain everything, if you have any questions, you can ask after. Alright?”

Both of them nodded and glanced at each other, not sure what they were about to be told.

“your mom and I weren't always happy in our marriage. We split for a while back in late 1989 until early 1990, do you remember that?”

Dean nodded; it was a time he didn’t like to remember. He had comforted their mom after he left, and he didn’t come back for over two months. His mom told him that their father was away working but, several years later he learned through eavesdropping at their door that John had moved out and was living somewhere in Minnesota. John’s voice broke him out of his memories as he continued.

“Well, I was in a car crash just outside of Windom and hurt my collarbone, the car didn’t suffer much damage, but the impact caused whiplash. I drove to the hospital and I…. there was a nurse, Kate who patched me up. We started talking and…”

“Did you cheat on Mom, Dad? Is that what you’re saying?” Sam interjected, sounding incredulous.

“No Sam. Your mom and I were split up at the time. I didn’t know that we would work things out. We argued whenever we contacted each other. I thought it was over.”

Sam scowled at John and Dean gave him a warning look that told him to shut up and listen. Sam crossed his arms and continued to glare at John.

“One thing led to another, and I ended up going home with Kate. The next day I got back in my car and left, didn’t look back. I felt so much shame, and I realised how much I loved your mother and turned back and drove home and begged your mom to take me back.” He remained quiet for a moment, his head bowed, staring at his hands and then continued.

“Five years ago, Kate found me and told me I had a son, you have a half-brother. His name is Adam, he’s nine years old.”

“Whoa, hold up, we have a brother?” Dean asked barely keeping his temper.

“We have a brother, and you have only just decided to tell us now? What the hell Dad? Don’t you think we would have liked to have known this?”

“I know, I’m sorry, I should have told you boys but I couldn’t. I felt so much shame for it, and it was so soon after losing your mother, I just didn’t know how to tell you both.”

“Mom died two years before then Dad.” Dean reminded him, feeling both betrayal and anger bubbling to the surface.

“I know, but you boys were still recovering, I just didn’t know how to tell you. Now, can I tell you the rest? “

Dean remained quiet, trying to quell the bitterness and anger he felt. Sam said nothing; he stared at the back of his hands, unwilling to look up at their father.

“I started to visit Adam when I was driving past their neighbourhood. I saw him a handful of times over the first two years and then over the last 3 years, I began seeing both Kate and him more often, getting to know them. The more time I spent with them, the more I thought about you two and what you have been through. Kate tried to convince me to go into rehab 3 months ago, but I refused to believe I had a problem and then the anniversary of your mother’s death rolled around… I wanted to see you both, wanted to spend time with you but, when you… Dean… When we had that fight, and I found out what you had done. I couldn’t see you, I was a coward and left instead of facing the pain I have caused you and Sam. I went back to Minnesota, I stayed with Kate and Adam for a few weeks and agreed to go into rehab, and I wanted to get better, to be a better father to you both. “

“Is there a point to this story?” Sam spat out, Dean noticed Sam had been crying, and he made his way over and rested his hand on his shoulder, squeezing slightly.

“Um yes. I don’t know how to tell you, boys, this, but I am now living with Adam and Kate, and I would like you both to come with me, meet your brother and live with us.”

“No!” both Dean and Sam snapped together.

“Now boys, this would be good for you both, a fresh start-“

“No! You think that you can come here after ignoring us for years and then expect that we would be happy to agree with this?”

“Sam-“

“You have kept us in the dark about our brother for five years, and then you come here and dump it on us and expect us to just go with you, like a happy family? No. I like it here, I am staying here, and if you try to make me go with you, I will apply to the family courts and request to be emancipated.”

“Sam, I’m not saying you have to come. Calm down. I would like you both to come with me, but I understand that you have a school here, Dean has a job. “

“Dad, I’m glad you’ve found someone else, but she’s not our mom, and going with you, it would feel like we’re replacing her. It’s a lot to take in; I would like to meet Adam but not yet. We need time to get used to the idea of another brother.” Dean tried to explain, he felt numb.  It felt wrong somehow, his dad had another child, and he was eleven years younger than him. Adam was born two years before their mom died. It felt wrong, surreal.

“I understand,” John replied quietly.

“If you change your mind, I will be at the house for the next week; I’m packing it up and planning to sell it. The money that I get for the house, I will deposit some into an account for you boys. I will come and see you again before I leave. Please think about it, maybe once you’ve gotten used to the idea, we can talk about getting together so you can meet Adam?”

Neither of them replied. Dean felt the betrayal deep in his stomach. Their father had another son… another son… one that was eleven years younger, one that was created while their mom was still alive. He squeezed Sam’s shoulder again, and Sam looked up towards him, his heart dropped as he saw the pain in his eyes. The room felt stuffy and uncomfortable, with no one willing to break the silence and then John sighed and stood up.

“Okay, I should go, please think about it.”

Sam and Dean said nothing, didn’t acknowledge him still being there and he slowly stepped to the door, turning one last time to look at them both before he opened it and walked out, quietly shutting the door behind him.

“Sam, are you okay?” he whispered as he kneeled down beside his brother.

Sam shook his head and turned, burying his face into Dean’s shirt. Dean wrapped his arms around him and rested his chin on the top of Sam’s head.

“Shush, Sammy, it will be okay.”

“Dean, it’s not that.” Sam’s voice sounded muffled against his chest.

“What is it then?” he asked in a soothing voice.

“Dad’s been spending time with this boy; he’s been living with him for over a month. When was the last time he spent that much time with us?”

“I know Sammy.” He didn’t know what to say, he felt that same sadness deep inside but he refused to let it surface, Sam needed him, and he couldn’t fall apart right now.

“You know what though Sammy? If he didn’t leave, we wouldn’t be here, and even you said yourself that you like it here. Yeah?”

Sam nodded slowly, still sniffling a little. “Yeah.”

“Well, he did us a favour then, didn’t he?”

Sam nodded.

“Whatever happens Sam, you know I’ll always be here for you, right?”

Sam pulled back and looked up. “Yeah, and I’ll always be there for you.”

“That’s all that matters now, I don’t know why Dad didn’t spend time with us, maybe we reminded him of mom too much, I don’t know, but we have each other to lean on. We can get through anything; we have already gotten through so much. Besides, Dad drunk was never fun to be around. I’m glad he didn’t spend much time with us when he was drinking.”

“I guess you’re right, but it hurts, maybe you would have been happier if dad was around more.”

“Maybe, I suppose it's something we will never know. Now, Are you feeling better to go downstairs? I can hear music which means the party is about to start.”

Sam wiped his nose and nodded.

“Good, let’s get down there before they put on something really cheesy."

As they reached the bottom of the stairs, the doorbell rang, and Gabriel rushed forward to answer the door.

“Oh! Come in and Merry Christmas!”

Sam’s eyes lit up, and he rushed forward as a petite blonde haired girl stepped through the door.

“Jess!!” Sam lifted her and spun her around, and Jess giggled.

“Merry Christmas Sam” she squeaked out as he placed her back on her feet. She leant up and pecked him on the cheek and then blushed slightly.

Dean leant against the stair bannister and watched on, grinning, his worry for Sam disappearing as a large goofy smile replaced the frown. He started off towards the living room and pushed everything that they were told aside, just for the night. It was time to get totally drunk and make a total ass of himself.

By the time it was bedtime; Dean couldn’t see straight and could barely stand. Castiel helped carry him to the bedroom and stripped him out of his clothes. He could barely form a coherent sentence and by the time the covers were pulled over him, he fell into a deep sleep.

Castiel sat beside him on the bed, worrying over what John had told him, he didn’t know if the arrival of his father would trigger more nightmares, or twist them.

He considered his options and figured that just taking a little look couldn’t hurt; he just needed to stay out to the side where he could remain unseen. He placed his fingers gently on Dean’s forehead and watched as the dreams weaved in and out, nothing making much sense or of any importance. There weren’t any warning signs that he would fall into a nightmare and so he pulled his fingers away and settled down beside him. He pulled the book out of the side cupboard and opened to a page close to the middle of the book and settled down to read.

Christmas was over, and it had been a little rocky and tense to start with, not knowing how Dean and Sam would react to John suddenly showing up, but it ended with both the boys laughing and happy. That was all they could have hoped for. Now that Christmas was over, they had to now find out why there were orders for Angels and Demons to stay away from Sam and Dean.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive me for any typo's you came across, it's close to midnight here and I wanted to get this chapter up. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it and it didn't put you to sleep. ;)


	20. New Years Eve

 

             

Castiel squinted into the dark, squatted behind a crate watching Zachariah talking to Meg, he glanced over to Gabriel and then back to the conversation between the Angel and Demon.

“I don’t care what she says.  Michael’s orders remain in place, and if any of you vermin go near either of the Winchesters, we will bring the wrath of heaven down on all of you.”

“Oh, please. You need us for the first Seal. That’s Lilith’s final offer. “

“We will see about that. Go back and tell her that should any demon touch the Winchesters before it’s time. Raphael will tear hell apart to find her personally. By the time Raphael is finished with her, she won’t have any limbs and no ability to leave her current vessel. She might be needed for the last seal, but that doesn’t mean she has to be able to walk.”

Meg smirked and then laughed maniacally.  “Once Lucifer rises and takes claim of this world you and the silly army of heaven will be bowing down to us. “ She sneered and turned to leave.

“Do you think Lucifer will want to keep you around? He may have created your kind, but that doesn’t mean he cares about you.”

Meg paused mid-step and then continued walking out of the abandoned warehouse, Zachariah, stood for a moment, watching her leave, still smirking and then disappeared.

Castiel looked over to Gabriel, who nodded and disappeared, they returned back to the house, standing outside amongst the trees.

“So Lilith plans to take Sam?” Cas asked,

“I don’t think she will.  Michael and Raphael will rip her and hell apart to find him. “ Gabriel pointed out.

“True, but we need to keep them close; we don’t need Lilith to think she has a chance. I don’t believe that it’s a risk we should ignore.” Castiel sighed and looked towards the house. “We need to devise a plan to make sure one of us is always around them.  The rings are hiding them from Angels, and the pendant is protecting against possession, but we need to find an effective way to protect them from Demons. “

Gabriel nodded and looked up at the sky, scanning it until he found the Sun. “We better get back, we still have a lot to do with the party tonight.”

He nodded and Gabriel clicked his fingers and was gone. Things were becoming more complicated, and they wouldn’t be able to keep their real identity secret from Sam and Dean for much longer. To effectively hide them and keep them safe, they will soon need to be told everything. He just hoped when they were told, Dean would be at least okay with It.

He made his way to the front hall of the house and looked around, pulling off the ring that hid him from other Angels and placed it in his pocket. There were balloons everywhere, both on the ground and ceiling. Dean and Sam invited some of their friends over; they were both excited to bring in the New Year, to making it a fresh start in their lives.

They had been quiet the first few days after Christmas with the news of having another brother, the grief of their father’s activities when their mother was alive. It had taken a lot of coaching to encourage Dean to talk about it. Sam put his head into his books and remained in his room and refused to talk to anyone.

The news that Adam existed brought more complications to an already difficult situation. Would Heaven or Hell use him against the two brothers at some point? He cursed John for telling them about Adam, if he had said nothing, then Adam wouldn’t have been put in the middle of the Demon’s and Angel’s desperate desire for the apocalypse to begin.

Dean and Sam finally came out of their stupor 3 days earlier and had been full of energy, making plans for the next year, excited for the party. That was why he was now standing in the front hall of a house, filled with hundreds of balloons which were filled with glitter and confetti, which Gabriel planned to pop by the use of his powers as the clock ticked to midnight.

If it made them happy, then who was he to complain? It was still difficult to understand human rituals of important dates, but a part of him felt the buzz of excitement, maybe it was that slither of humanity that he experienced still there, nestled in his consciousness.

He sighed, managing to push aside the problems they were facing and made his way up the stairs and heard the sound of the guitar being played, and he slowly opened Dean’s bedroom door.  

Dean sat leaning back against the headboard, eyes closed and his fingers strumming over the strings. The music flowed, it was gentle and peaceful. He made his way over to the bed and sat down, quietly listening and watching Dean’s face, he looked at peace, lost in the notes of the music.

Dean slowly opened his eyes and watched him as he came to the end of the song.

“You have a natural talent.” Castiel complimented; his voice quiet.

“Not really, I had lessons in the school band,” Dean said, batting away yet another compliment.

“No, your lessons can only teach you so much, Dean. When you play, you seem to float with the notes; that’s something from inside your soul. Not from what a teacher has taught you.

“You’re going to give me a big ego, now shut up and c’mere.” Dean leant to the side of his bed and placed the guitar to rest against the wall and turned back to Cas, pulling him closer.

Castiel smiled and kissed Dean softly before pulling back. “So, what time are Vince and his wife coming over?”

“Around eight he said.”

“What about the others?”

Dean shook his head, “They can’t make it. They have other plans.” He shrugged, “more alcohol for us. “he grinned and pushed Castiel onto his back, effectively pinning him down with his body.

“So, we have about 3 hours before the party starts. Do you have any ideas of what we could do to waste time?”

Castiel looked up into Dean’s eyes. “No, Sorry, I’m all out of ideas.”

“Oh? That’s a shame. Isn’t it?” Dean smiled down at him.

“I believe it is.” He couldn’t look away, Dean had transformed since Christmas day. There was more affection in his touch and glances. He appeared more comfortable than he had before. It made him shiver, melt and want to lose himself in those touches and never surface.  He, himself had felt something pass between them during Christmas, like something had locked into place, two parts coming together between them. He felt Dean’s soul, for a briefest of a moment before it sunk down. He was certain it was the bond reconnecting.

“Earth to Cas?” Dean’s voice pierced through his thoughts and he brought himself back to the present, looking up into sparkling green eyes.

“I’m sorry Dean, I got lost in some thoughts. What were you saying?”

Dean leant down and kissed him, nipping at his lower lip and then pulled away and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Of course, there was another change to their relationship, Dean’s insatiable appetite for sex. He chuckled and then sighed.

“As much as I love what you’re suggesting, I still have some things to do before the party, and if I allow myself to be seduced, I’m not going to get them done.”

Dean shrugged and lifted himself up, unpinning him from the bed and got to his feet. “Well, can’t blame a guy for trying hey?” he said as he stepped towards the bathroom. “Since you’re too busy, I’m going to take a shower.” He turned back, smiling. “Are you sure you don’t want to join me?”

Castiel swallowed down the lump in his throat, he wanted to follow him, really, really wanted to follow him but he had to talk to Bobby and then find Gabe again and go over the protection wardings.

“You’re making this really hard for me to leave, but I can’t.  As much as I’d like to personally cover you with soap, I really do need to do something.”

“Okay, it’s your loss,” Dean said as he pushed the door open and disappeared into the bathroom.

He stared at the closed door, listened to the shower turn on, heard the clothing hit the laundry basket, and the shower curtain pulls back. He swallowed hard again, torn between pleasuring his boyfriend and protecting him. No, he had to leave, had to make sure he was safe.  They had time later, once the party was over.

He leapt off the bed and made for the bedroom door before he had time to change his mind, and made his way down the hallway, down the stairs, through the kitchen and finally outside into the backyard.  He slowed down, looking up at Dean’s window, wondering if he should have stuck around. He turned back to the garden, looking for Bobby, who could be seen in the distance, so he made his way through the backyard of flowers, past the sunroom and close to the trees.

Bobby was adjusting something on one of the rifles and then fired it at a beer can that was sitting on a tree stump.

“Is there anything I can help you with?” He asked as he watched the bullet hit the can.

“Yeah, stand over there and stay still. “

He made to walk over to the stump and paused, looking back at Bobby, realising what he was saying.

Bobby chuckled. “You aren’t the smartest tool in the shed, are ya?”

He rolled his eyes and walked back to the old hunter. “I take that as a no then.”

“No. I think everything is done. I have a few hunters coming down tonight. The boys believe that they are old hunting friends. I want to tell them what’s going on. I will leave out your names but the more hunters we have, the better chance we have of surviving this.”

Castiel nodded, not too keen on more people being involved, but it wouldn’t hurt to have a few more hunters on their side in case Demons showed up.

“Gabe and I have created sigils in several of the rooms behind the paintings, it might be best if you also make some too, in case Angel’s show up. Of course, if one did appear and you activated it, it would mean the mansion will be left without protection as Gabriel, myself and Balthazar will also be transported. If you make enough of them, though, I’m hoping it will prevent further infiltration from other Angels who are lucky enough to be out of the range of the first one.”

“I thought there were orders for the boys to be left alone?”

“There are. However, it appears Lilith has other ideas which mean if the Angels consider her a risk to the Winchesters, they might do a pre-emptive strike and take the boys themselves to keep them out of the demon's reach. At that point, We won’t be able to find and protect them.”

Bobby nodded, lifted his cap off his head and wiped his forehead, then squinted up towards the top floor of the house.

“When is the apocalypse supposed to happen?”

Castiel shrugged. “In the other timeline the first seal was broken when Dean was 28, which is 7-8 years from now, but with Gabe and my interference, we believe they are trying to bring it forward, to now.”

“If Sam wasn’t infected with the Demon blood, how can the last seal be broken?”

“Gabriel believes the demon blood isn’t essential, Lilith might be the first demon that Lucifer created, but she isn’t immortal. She, after all, knows she is the last Seal and would more than likely allow Sam to kill her.  However, if the demon blood is needed, Azazel infected many children before he entered Sam’s room. I don’t know if they can unlock the cage, or if it has to be Sam personally. He is lucifers vessel, but I’m not sure if he is truly needed for the last Seal. That’s why we’re taking every precaution we can to protect Both Sam and Dean and track down these other gifted children.” He sighed,  

“We need to keep Dean out of contact with Demons; we need to make sure that they have no way to convince him to sell his soul. Dean is the key to the first Seal, if he doesn’t break it, there will be no way for it to begin, If he does make a deal and is taken to hell, the seal will break. Dean isn’t strong enough to hold up against Alistair’s methods of torture. “

Bobby sighed, “If there is no particular time for the apocalypse to begin then that would mean Sam and Dean will never be safe.”

“Yes.”

“I think it’s time we told the boys everything, this isn’t something that has an expiry date. This is coming, and it will affect them for as long as they live.”

“I know. Gabe and I have spoken about this and agreed they need to know the truth. I just hope when we tell them, they will understand why we have not revealed who we are so far, and I hope they remain with us, so we can better protect them.”

“When are you planning on telling ‘em?”

“Not until some time after Dean’s 21st. Let them have a chance to celebrate without the burden, they’ve had far too many years of struggling.”

Bobby nodded and turned back to the rifle in his hand, and then leant down and picked up a bottle and gave it to Castiel.

He stepped over to the tree stump and placed the bottle down and re-joined Bobby again, then watched as the old hunter took a clean shot to the centre of the glass, causing it to explode as the bullet made an impact.

“There is a storm coming, and those boys... We’re all… we’re smack in the middle of it.” Bobby said gravely and placed the safety on the gun and began packing everything away.

“It’s bigger than a storm. It’s a gigantic hurricane, and we’re about to be swept up and ripped apart.” Castiel responded quietly, then left and found Gabriel in the kitchen preparing mini sausage rolls, quiches and miniature pies.

He glanced over the counter, watching as Gabriel place the sausage rolls onto a serving tray. “I have spoken to Bobby and told him everything we know so far. I have said that we will be telling Sam and Dean about us after Dean’s 21st birthday, giving them some time to celebrate before the weight of everything is forced upon their shoulders.”

“And he agreed?”

“Yes. Did he tell you that he has invited some hunters to come tonight?”

“Yeah, we spoke about it when I first got back. I think it’s a good idea. “

“I believe that it will be good to have more help but what if any of them decide that an easy solution would be to kill one or both of the boys?”

“It won’t happen. If one of them so much as look at them that way, we will wipe their memories and send them to the north pole.”

“That might be a little over dramatic,” He chuckled, rolling his eyes.

 “Alright, what if we sent them to China instead? My point is, we’re Angels, well… I’m an Archangel if any hunter threatens their lives; I have a lot of experience in the business of making humans wish they were never born, or the less fun one... We can wipe their memories.”

“You have a point.  I’m just getting a bit nervous about all this. If I had left time the way it was then they wouldn’t be here, vulnerable now.”

Gabriel sighed, “Do we need to go over it all again? “

“No, I was just saying.” Castiel shrugged and picked up one of the sausage rolls, picking at the flaky pastry.

Gabriel stopped what he was doing and looked up, “Honestly bro, you need to let it go, what’s done is done.  Dean is happy, you fixed him. He’s besotted with you. You can’t expect everything to run smoothly for every little thing. Those boys have a purpose; they are a part of a prophecy. That can’t be fixed as easily but, we can do our best and keep our heads in the game, and prevent that prophecy being fulfilled.  Like you once told Dean, we will win some battles, and we will lose some.”

“Dean is not fixed, I can still feel that dark sadness in him, and yes we are going to lose battles, it’s the nature of war, but I would rather not lose this specific battle.”

“And we won’t.”

He looked around quickly, scanning the house with his grace, “Where’s Balthazar?”

“He’s gone out to restock the booze for tonight.”

“Is he still annoyed at me for killing him?”

Gabriel chuckled. “A little, he’s just a bit sore that you stabbed him in the back, literally.”

“In my defence, he did stab me in the back by giving Dean, Sam and Bobby my location. Perhaps I did go a bit too far with paying him back.”

“Oh, Really?” Gabriel asked teasingly.

Castiel rolled his eyes, then sighed, “It’s one of the many things I regret happening, had I known how prideful and foolish I was, and what was going to happen, I would –“

“Have done it anyway, you were so obsessed with killing Raphael and preventing the renewed attempts to bring about the apocalypse.”

“Maybe… I would like to think I wouldn’t have, though.”

“Wouldn’t have what?” Dean asked as he came into the kitchen.

Castiel turned to Gabriel and muttered under his breath. “Maybe we should get some bell collars.” Causing Gabriel to snort as he laughed.  They didn’t have the warnings they once had, now that the brothers wore the rings that hid them from all angels, including both he and Gabriel. Dean stopped and looked curiously between both Gabe and Cas.

“It doesn't matter. “ he smiled and turned towards the clock, it was coming close to 7:15 which left just under an hour before the party would begin.

“Where’s Sam? We need to pick Jess up in just over half an hour.” Gabriel asked as he turned towards the sink and washed his hands.

“He’s trying to pick out something to wear, he wants to look nice for Jess, although he isn’t admitting to it I swear I’ve seen him in 4 different sweaters already and two different colour pairs of Jeans.

“Ah, to be young and in love.” Gabriel chimed as he stepped back and looked at his masterpieces and then swatted Dean’s hand away as he made to pick a beef pie from the tower.

“Hey, they are for when the party starts” he warned and then whispered, “There is still some in the oven for you, be careful, the tray might still be hot.” He smiled as he stepped out of the kitchen, shouting up to Sam as he made his way up the stairs.  

Dean quickly moved around the island bar and opened the oven, pulling two Mini pies out and putting one into his mouth, offering the other to Cas.

“No thank you, I’m not hungry. “He looked at Dean, amazed that he could fit the whole thing into his mouth and Dean just grinned, the pie pushing out his cheeks a little.

Dean shrugged and swallowed what was in his mouth as quickly as he could while no one was around and stepped closer to him, leaning down to whisper in his ear. “I had such a long shower; it wasn’t as fun without you, though.”

“Is that so?” he asked, raising an eyebrow,

Dean smiled, stepping closer. “Yeah, it was a little lonely.”

Castiel glanced towards the kitchen entrance, making sure he wasn’t about to be overheard and then leant up to whisper into Dean’s ear, putting as much intention into his words as possible.

“I’m certain we can find reasons for you to need another shower later.” He pulled back and watched as Dean begun to understand his intentions, and then patted him gently on the back as Dean choked on what remained of the pie in his mouth.

“I need to go get dressed for the party,” he said dismissively. He stepped out of the kitchen and chuckled quietly to himself and went up to his bedroom.

He opened his drawers and looked at the items of clothing Gabriel had gotten him.

He found the blue sweater, folded neatly on top and pulled it out, placing it on top of the drawers; he found a casual button-down shirt and a pair of Jeans and wondered if the combo would look okay. It was so difficult to combine the clothes; it seemed like such a pointless waste of time.

He undressed quickly and took a bit of time putting on the Jean’s, shirt and sweater. Trying out different ways he could wear the shirt, he contemplated using his tie but decided it would probably be better to just leave the first 2 buttons open. He stepped into the bathroom and looked into the mirror, and tucked the shirt in, and then out again, unsure which way it would look better. After some careful consideration, he decided to leave the shirt untucked and collar open and overlapping the V-shaped neck of the sweater. He opened his bedroom door to find Dean frozen in spot, hand raised as if to knock.

Dean stared down at him, mouth open as if someone had come along and froze him in mid-knock.

 

 

************************************************

Dean raised his hand to knock as the door opened and he stared down, froze in place, hand still raised to knock the door.

 Castiel looked gorgeous; he could do nothing but stare down into the blue eyes that stared back up at him, quizzical.  

“Dean, are you alright?”

“Yeah... I’m... I… umm…. Hi.” He smiled down at him, still trying to verbalise what he wanted to say.

“Hello,” Castiel replied and smiled up at him.

“I... I came to grab… something from my room. You... You look, you look really nice.” He stumbled as he continued to stare down, locked in the depths of the blue eyes.

“Thank you, you do too.” Castiel looked down the hallway then turned back, and pulled him into the bedroom faster than he thought was possible. Before he realised what had happened he was pinned against the wall next to the door, deep blue eyes only inch from his.

“Fuck.” He breathed out as he felt his heart quicken and his blood rush south. Castiel chuckled and brought his mouth to his ear. “Oh, I expect we will, later.”

Dean licked his lower lip, his mouth went dry, and he tried hard to put his libido under control, then Cas stepped back, allowing Dean to straighten himself up and then stared back at him. “You know, you play dirty.” He complained as he steadied himself. “That was really unfair.” He pouted as he appraised Castiel from head to toe.

“You really do look good.” He leant in to kiss him as the doorbell rang, it couldn’t have been 8 already, he looked at his watch, it was only 7:45, he heard the familiar voice of Ellen Harville drifting up the stairs and turned, tugging at Castiel’s hand.

“Come on, you have to meet her. You’ll love her.”

Castiel straightened his clothes and followed behind Dean as they made their way down the stairs, finding Ellen, Jo, Bill and some other guy stepping through the door. Ellen was the first to spot Dean and came forward, beaming up at him.

“Hey you,” she greeted as she pulled him into her arms.

“We need to talk later.” She whispered into his ear before she pulled back and stood looking him up and down. “You’ve grown so much since I last saw you.”

“Hey Ellen, You haven’t changed at all.” He smiled down at her warmly; it had been such a long time since he had seen any of them.

“Ellen, I’d like you to meet Cas; this is his and Gabriel’s place, Cas, this is Ellen; She used to take care of Sam and me when Bobby was hunting with her husband, Bill. “He pointed over to the man standing beside Bobby, talking quietly.

“Hello, Ellen it’s nice to meet you.” Castiel stepped forward, holding out his hand.

“Well, Cas… it’s nice to meet you too, this is a fine house you have here.”

“Thank you,” he replied quietly.

Without warning, Dean was hit by what he would compare to a 50-pound weight as Jo launched herself at him.

“Whoa! Easy there Jo.” He breathed out in a laugh.

She pulled back and looked at him. “It’s been a while since we have seen you, Where’s Sam?” She looked at him and stared at Castiel for a moment before turning back to look at him, her eyebrow raised.

“Jo, I would like you to meet someone, this is Cas. “

Jo stepped around Dean and stood to stare at Castiel, which to his amusement seemed to cause Cas some discomfort.

“Hey, I’m Jo. This place is huge!”

“Hello Jo, it’s nice to meet you.” Castiel smiled fondly at her, which made him just a little curious, raising an eyebrow at Castiel, who shrugged.

He turned back to Jo, “Sam is out with Gabriel, picking his girlfriend up.”

“Sam has a girlfriend?” Jo spun around to face him. He had forgotten the energy this girl had.

“Yeah, her name’s Jess, be nice to her and don’t be a snotty nosed kid.” He ruffled her hair, and she slapped his hand away.

“I’m not a snotty nosed kid, thank you very much. I’m 14 and practically an adult.”

“Uh huh.” He grinned.

Gabriel, Sam and Jess walked through the door, and Jo spotted Sam and rushed at him, throwing her arms around him, leaving Jess looking confused standing beside them.

Dean turned back to Cas, “So what was that with Jo?” he asked curiously, nudging him with his elbow.

“What?”

“I dunno, the way you smiled at her, it was like you knew her. “

“Oh, I’ve never seen her before...  Perhaps it was because she was so friendly.”

Dean eyed Cas for a moment and then shrugged. “Yeah, she’s pretty… energetic.” He smiled, watching as Sam hugged her and introduced Jess.

“Come on, I want you to meet Bill-“

Before he could take 2 steps forward, Ellen linked arms and pulled him aside.

“Hey, are you going to show me around this place?” He looked back towards Castiel, who nodded and stepped towards Bobby and Bill.

“Umm, Sure, why not. Where do you want to start?” he asked her, still watching Castiel.

“Why don’t we start with up there? She asked, tilting her head up to the second floor. He nodded and started up the stairs.

“So what’s been going on with you? The last time I saw you, you were just 16. What’s been going on and why haven’t you been down to see me?”

“Yeah, it’s been a while.  I just haven’t found the time to leave work, and then there is Sam, you know… being in school.”

“Hmph.”

“What?”

“I heard what happened to you.  You wanna tell me how you ended up in the hospital having your stomach pumped?”

“I- I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“Really?  You’re lucky Bill and Bobby convinced me to stay at the Roadhouse because I was planning on coming down here to kick your ass.”

“It was stupid, I know.” He sighed, “But it’s over with, that part of my life is finished.”

She stopped walking and looked at him; eyes squinted as she searched his expression.

“So, is it the blue-eyed angel downstairs that’s made the difference?” she asked curiously.

“What?” He choked and looked at her wide-eyed.

“Good for you hon,” She smiled affectionately,

“Wait, I didn’t say anything.”

She chuckled and linked their arms and started to walk again. “You don’t have to; it’s written all over your face.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“It is to me. “She said simply.

He showed her around the second floor and then made their way back down, and they finished the tour in the kitchen. Everyone was already inside, drinks in hand and music playing quietly.

She turned to face him again, and her expression became serious. “If you feel like you need to get away, I have an extra room for you. Okay?”

“Thank you, I’m glad you guys made it here.” He smiled down,

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” She raised her hand to his cheek and then turned to join her husband, He turned to get a drink and was face to face with a guy who appeared stuck in the 80’s, who grinned at him and knocked back the rest of the beer in his bottle. The doorbell rang, and he made his way through the small gathering to answer the door

“Hey, Vince, Carol... I’m glad you made it here. Come on through, everyone is in the kitchen.”

Vince stepped through first, and handed him a bottle in a brown paper bag, Carol insisted we bring something, she wanted to bring a casserole, but I managed to convince her that bourbon was the better option. How is Sam?” Vince asked him, looking concerned.

“Yeah, he’s good. The kid bounced back pretty quickly,”

“So, does that mean I get my mechanic back on Tuesday?”

“Yeah, I’ll be back to work Tuesday. “ Dean smiled, he couldn’t wait to get back under the hood of a car; it was where he could think while he worked, iron out the crinkles in his life and feel the full release of satisfaction when an engine he worked on turned over with just the twist of the key.

“I’m really glad to hear that, I don’t think the business would be standing much longer if that temp continued to work there.” Vince chuckled and eyed Sam at the kitchen door; He excused himself and greeted Sam. Dean turned back to Carol, who was watching him with a mother’s smile.

“A casserole would have been awesome.” He said smiling and without a word, she pulled him in for a hug, and then rested her hand against his cheek. “What have you been eating? You’re skin and bones.” She clicked her tongue but smiled.  “I’m so glad you’re alright when Vince told me you were ill and in the hospital, I wanted to bring in soup, but he said they wouldn’t let you have visitors. I feared I would become a widow; I was certain Vince would have a heart attack having to deal with your temporary replacement. “She tapped his cheek and stepped back.

Carol was a sweet woman, gentle and motherly, she would come by the Garage most days with a cooked meal for both him and Vince and stick around until closing. She often talked about when Vince retired that they both wanted him to take care of the Garage. Vince was only 5 years from retirement, but he never committed to anything with them, mainly because he didn’t know where he would be in the five years. 

He laughed, “So I heard, did you have a nice Christmas?”

“Yes, it was quiet, my sons, of course, was much too busy to bring our grandchildren to see us. None the less, it was nice. Next year maybe you and whoever has put the sparkle in your eye should come for dinner. What’s her name?”

“Her?”

“Is she interrogating you?” Vince interrupted and raised his eyebrow pointedly at his wife.

“No, I was just asking who the lucky lady was that put the sparkle in his eye.”

Vince rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“You don’t miss a beat, Do you woman?” he chuckled.

“We will talk again later.” She winked and turned to Vince. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to know who has made my surrogate son happy.”

Dean simply stared at her, not sure what to say and then he saw Gabriel in his peripheral vision and called him over.

“Hey Gabe, come meet Vince and Carol.”

“This is Gabriel, He and his brother are the ones who were kind enough to allow Sam and me to stay here, Gabe this is my Boss Vince and his wife, Carol.” Gabriel’s smile widened as he shook hands with Vince and leant in to give Carol a brief hug.

“Welcome to the best New Year's party you’ll ever go to.” He looked down at their hands, “Why haven’t you got a glass already? Dean, Go get them whatever they want, we have pretty much everything.”

Dean navigated through the group gathered near the kitchen door, then stepped to the counter, and searched for the bottle of Vodka and Orange juice.  He scanned the room and found Castiel laughing at something that Jo had just told him. He grinned; Jo could make even the stoic of men laugh and watching Castiel laugh made his heart swell. He turned back to the counter and picked up a bottle of beer and found Vince and Carol entering the kitchen as Gabriel introduced them to the group.

 He joined them for a while, listening to the conversation but slowly began to feel out of place and tired.  It had been some time since he had spent so much time around a large gathering of people and it would take some time to get used to it again.

He left the group and navigated through the small groups in the kitchen, stopping every now and then to respond to someone, smiling as much as he could. He managed to get to the counter and found a full bottle of Bourbon, snagging it he made his way through the back kitchen door and into the darker hallway that would take him outside.

He found a room that was dark, he looked around it; dust sheets still covered much of the furniture. He found a space against a wall and sat down; unscrewing the lid and knocking back a large mouthful of the liquid. It was nice seeing everyone again, but he needed a break, to re-energize.  

He sat alone for an hour, managing to drink a third of the bottle of bourbon and he felt light-headed. He clumsily screwed the lid back on and placed it beside him, deciding whether he should try to stand or remain where he was. He heard footsteps coming closer, and he closed his eyes for a minute and then turned to see who had stopped just outside the door.

“Dean?” the voice sounded concerned, and he lifted his hand but realised it was probably too dark to see.

“In here Cas.” He replied, his voice slurring a little.

Cas walked slowly into the room and squatted down in front of him, head tilted, “Are you okay?” he asked quietly, his voice filled with concern.

 “Yeah, I'm okay. I just needed some time to myself.”

Castiel peered down at him and then turned to sit beside him, picking up the bottle and unscrewing the lid and took several long swigs of the whisky before offering the bottle back to him. He reached over and took the bottle from him and followed suit, gulping down a mouthful of the liquid, closing his eyes as the burn hit the back of his throat and then handed it back to Castiel.

“So what do you think of them?” he asked, looking over at Castiel; his eyes even in the dark seemed bright.

“I like them.” He said quietly and took another gulp of the whisky.

“I’m glad to hear it because they are like my family, you know? They were there when Sam and I had no one else.  Bobby once told me, Family doesn’t end with blood, and he’s right. They have been more of a family to us than my Dad has been since mom died. It’s really nice seeing them again.”

“But?”

He reached over and took the bottle from Castiel and took another mouthful, “I dunno, being around so many people, it’s hard.” He sighed and handed the bottle back to Cas,

“Does it bring back bad memories?” Castiel asked curiously,

“Not bad ones, that’s not it, though, Sam and I have been alone for 4 years, I haven’t spent much time around large amounts of people and tonight, I just feel a little drained.”

They remained silent for several minutes, the room beginning to spin, he wasn't sure he would be able to stand and walk. “I’m a little drunk.” He admitted and then chuckled. “I seem to be doing that a lot lately.”

Cas laughed, “Me too. “

They fell back into silence, and he leant his head back against the wall, unwilling to close his eyes as the room spun, not wanting to throw up into Cas’s lap.

“Do you want to go back?” Castiel asked out of the darkness.

“No, not yet. It’s nice here; dark and quiet, and you’re here…” He turned his focus on Castiel, who was watching him intently, giving him a small smile. He glanced down to his mouth and leant in, kissing him slowly at first, and somehow, he found himself sitting with his legs either side of Castiel’s, his fingers tangled in his hair, Castiel’s hands on each of his thighs, squeezing gently and both panting, catching their breaths. He leant down again and kissed him softly, just a press of lips. Castiel stared up into his eyes, their noses touching.

“I- I want to tell you something.” He barely whispered, not sure if it was a good idea to say what he wanted to say, but he didn’t care. He needed to say it.

He held his breath for a moment and bit his lip, it was so much harder to just say out loud. Castiel stared up, eyebrows creased but waiting patiently, he changed his mind and leant down to kiss him again,  losing himself in the darkness of the room, the fog of the alcohol and the feel of the man beneath him.

Somewhere between kissing and touching, he had lost his shirt and Castiel’s sweater was beneath his head, acting as a makeshift pillow, his hands smoothing down the inside of Cas’s shirt. While Castiel brought him slowly to his orgasm. He breathed in deeply and let it out slowly, trying to stop himself from making any loud noises, not wanting anyone to hear them and come to investigate.  Castiel stared down, their eyes locked on each other until Castiel leant down, hand slowly increasing until he let out a muffled sound as he spilt over Castiel’s hand.

Castiel leant down and kissed him, then leaned to his side, supporting himself with his elbow as he pulled a dust sheet from a small lamp table and begun to wipe up the mess on Dean’s abdomen.

“I love you.” Dean blurted out, regretting it the moment he said it as Castiel’s hand stilled. He held his breath; waiting for Castiel to reject him but, Castiel resumed wiping his stomach, a little slower and then carefully placed the sheet to the side.

He turned his gaze back to him, looking into his eyes as he smiled; his eyes soft and warm. “I love you too, Dean,” Castiel whispered before kissing him softly. He felt his whole body relax as he exhaled in relief. Castiel stared down, his smile turning into concern. “You’re shivering.” He stated, then glanced at them and found what he wanted. He leant over and picked up Dean’s shirt, “You’re cold. “ laying it on him.

He suddenly became aware of the chill of the room and sat up, throwing his arms into the sleeves of the shirt and quickly buttoned it up. “Yeah, it’s a bit cold in this room.” He admitted and then shuffled backwards until he leant against the wall, his head still feeling foggy and eyes unfocused. He looked at the time, it was almost midnight, they had been in the room for far longer than he had realised. “We should get back before anyone comes looking for us.” The thought of staying in that room, just the two of them to bring in the New Year was really appealing. He didn’t know if he wanted to go back into the bright lights.

Castiel nodded and helped him to his feet as he swayed slightly.

 “What if we, you know, skipped this? Go up to bed?”

“Dean, Are you sure that you don’t want to bring in the new year with the rest of them?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty out of it, wouldn’t be good company.” He lied,

“Alright, if that’s what you want.” Castiel smiled, and they made their way quietly through the empty kitchen, past the crowded theatre room, where Time Square was blaring from the large screen and then up the stairs.

He felt a little guilty, not bringing in the New Year with them but he would see them all in the morning and make his apologies, he would tell them he drank too much and fell to sleep.

They made their way into his room, and they slowly undressed until they both stood in just their boxers. He pulled Castiel closer and leant in, kissing him deeply and then threw him onto the bed, straddling him, pinning his arms beside his head. Then leant down and began to kiss him, putting everything he felt into the kiss as his hands tangled in his hair.

It wasn’t long before it heated up and soft moans filled the room, Castiel buried deep inside him, gently bringing him to his orgasm, while balloons popped and cheers could be heard from downstairs, but neither of them noticed as they lost themselves in each other.

 

 


	21. Chapter 21

**January 21st, 2000**

 

“Sam! Hurry up or I’m gonna be late! “

“Yeah, yeah I’m coming.”

Sam bounded down the stairs, shouldering his bag; hair flopped across his eyes.

  
“Dude, you seriously need your hair cut.”

  
“There’s nothing wrong with my hair.”

  
“You are beginning to look like a girl.”

  
“shud up Dean.” Sam said as he marched towards the front door, muttering “Jerk” under his breath as he swung it open.  
Dean glanced back to the kitchen, catching Castiel’s attention to call him into the hallway.

“Are you going to come over today for lunch at the garage?”  
Castiel smiled, “Don’t I always come?”

  
He winked, giving Cas his best mischievous grin, “Sure you do, especially when I do that thing you like so much.”

  
Castiel paused, squinted his eyes in the way Dean thought was adorable, then opened his mouth, closed it and looked back up, smiling. “Yes, I’ll be there for lunch.”

  
He laughed and leant down and kissed him, mouth lingering for a moment until the horn could be heard.  
“I gotta go. We’re gonna to be late, so I’ll see you at lunch then.”

  
Castiel nodded once again, and he turned towards the door, rolling his eyes at his brother’s incessant sounding of the horn.

  
Sam had been moody for almost a week, and he was no closer to finding out what his brother’s problem was; it was beginning to get on his nerves.  
“Sam. Jesus, stop being such a bitch.”

  
“You’re the one who has been in a rush to leave this morning, and then you take your sweet ass time coming out to the car.”

  
“Look, something has been bothering you the past week, how about you tell me what’s been going on, and we can move on from whatever it is that’s gotten you so angsty.”

  
“I’m not angsty.” Sam huffed out and then turned looking out of the window.

  
He glanced over and waited, when Sam made no sign of turning back, he started the car and pulled off from the curb, turning on the radio to break the silence inside the car.

Sam said nothing until they reached the front of the high school, and then it was a quick “Bye” as he shut the door behind him.  
He waited, watching Sam as he made his way down the school path and into the building.

He scanned the outside of the school; looking for Jess. She was again nowhere to be seen. Were Sam and Jess broke up? Come to think about it, Sam hadn’t looked at his mobile once over the past week, hadn’t mentioned her name either.

  
He glanced once again at the front doors and then put his car into gear and pulled away from the curb. He was going to be late for work if he sat there any longer. He would talk to Sam after school.  
The roads to his relief were quiet, and he made it into the parking lot before anyone else. He locked his car and walked to the side door of the garage, glancing around as he unlocked it, Vince’s car was nowhere in sight. He pulled the door open and turned to the lights, switching them on, then moved through the rooms to the office to turn on the computer, allowing it to boot up.

He made his way slowly through to the small kitchen and headed straight to the coffee machine changing the filter and adding fresh coffee to it, filled it with water and moved to the changing area to pull on his overalls.

  
Five minutes later, he was still alone, and so he pulled out his mobile and fired off a text to Castiel.

  
**Dean** : I think there’s trouble in paradise for Sam and Jess. Has he said anything to you or Gabe?

  
He waited a few minutes, tapping his fingers against the frame of the door as he watched some cars passing by, expecting Vince to come any moment. It was unusual for Vince to be so late.  
His mobile buzzed in his hand, and he looked down at the reply from Castiel

Cas: No, he hasn’t said anything to either me or Gabe.

 **Dean** : I’m worried about him, Cas. He hasn’t been himself this week.

He watched as Vince’s car pulled in.

 **Cas** : Gabe and I have noticed. Would you like one of us to talk to him?

 **Dean** : No, I’ll take him for something to eat after work and find out what’s going on. I have to go. Boss just turned up.

 **Cas** : Okay, I’ll see you at lunch.

 **Dean** : looking forward to it already. :)

He pocketed his mobile and went into the staff room area and pulled out two mugs and then poured the fresh coffee into each cup and found Vince as he came through to the small office.

  
“Good Morning Boss.” He said cheerfully as he placed the mug on the desk in front of him.  
Vince glanced up and gave a tired smile.

  
“Late night?”

  
“Yeah, we were at the hospital most of the night, only got home and to bed at four this morning." Vince then smiles widened. “I’m a grandfather again.”

  
“Congratulations Grampa!” Dean smiled. Vince growled, but his smile widened a little more. “Hey, less of that, I’m not that old.”

  
Dean laughed and put his cup down. “So what do we have today, Boss?”

  
“We have a 1991 Buick coming through at nine thirty, radiator replacement. The radiator arrived yesterday; she might need new hoses too. We have a couple of oil and filter changes, and Mr Cutler is bringing his car in after lunch. He said that there is an oil leak, and the car has no power when he tries to accelerate. “

  
“Could be a replacement Head gasket needed.”

  
“I think you might be right.”

  
“Alright, I’ll get the radiator and tools ready then open the front of the garage. “

  
Vince sat down and picked up his cup of coffee and took a quick sip of it and turned to his computer.

  
“Okay, you do that, while I make this call.” He looked up briefly and then reached for the telephone. Dean turned and left the room to collect the radiator from the storeroom and afterwards searched out all the tools he needed.”  
By lunch, He completed all the morning jobs. He scrubbed his hands, removing the excess oil and dirt from them and pulled off his overalls and grabbed his jacket from the hook and stepped out of the garage and found Castiel’s car parked next to his, Castiel leaning against the car waiting for him.

  
“Hey, Cas.”  
“Hello Dean, I thought we could go for a drive today.”  
“Oh? Where are we going?”

  
Castiel smiled and opened his car door and slid into the driver’s seat. This peaked his interest a little bit, so he walked to the passenger side and climbed in.

  
“You’re not going to tell me where we’re going?”  
“No.” Castiel started the car and turned watching the rear window as he reversed, pausing for a second to look at him before he concentrated on reversing and pulling out onto the main road.

Castiel remained silent, and so he leant closer and placed his hand on his thigh.

  
“You’re too quiet. Are you kidnapping me?”  
“I might be.”  
“You can’t kidnap someone who is willing.” He replied, smiling as he watched Castiel’s eyes crinkle slightly as he too, began to smile.  
“So, how was your morning?”

  
“It was busy but satisfying.” He looked through the front window, trying to figure out where they were going, he hadn’t paid much attention to the road, and he didn’t recognise the trees that lined both sides of it.

  
“Umm, Cas?”

  
“Yes, Dean?”

  
“Where are we going?”

  
“You’ll see when we get there.”

  
“Is it much further because I have to get back to work? In like fifteen minutes.”

  
“You’re not going back to work today; Vince has given you the rest of the day off. So we have the whole weekend away."

  
“Wait, he didn’t say anything to me about it.”

  
“No, because it was a surprise.”

  
“What about Sam?”

  
“Gabe is picking him up from school and taking him out for dinner to cheer him up.”

  
“Cas, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Something is going on with Sam, and I need to talk to him. “

  
“Dean, he’s okay.”

The car fell silent for a few minutes and then Castiel chuckled, “So are you still willing or can we call this a kidnapping?”

“I dunno, it depends on where we’re going and what we’re going to be doing.” He raised his eyebrows as Castiel’s smile widened, but he said nothing.

“Fine, we’ll do it your way; I'll sit here and look out the window until you either tell me, or we get to wherever it is we’re going.”

He kept his word until they pulled up to a small cabin that seemed to be in the middle of nowhere.

“Cas, Is this your cabin?”

“No, it's Bobby’s friends. We’ve been given permission to occupy it for the weekend.”

“What are we going to do here?” he asked teasingly. He was already quickly planning a few things he wanted to do while they had some uninterrupted time together.

“I thought we could talk, get to know each other better.” Cas interrupted his thoughts,

“What? Are you serious? Hey, I’m sorry to tell you, but you know everything there is to know about me.”

“I’m sure there are many things I don’t know about you, Dean.” Castiel turned facing him, a little smirk playing on his lips. He stared dumbfounded for a second before it dawned on him that Cas was teasing him.

He rolled his eyes. “Okay, let’s go in and ‘talk’.” He wiggled his eyebrows and opened the car door, but just as one foot touched the ground he was roughly pulled back into the car; backwards.

He turned finding himself inches from Castiel, blue eyes peering intensely into his. He licked his bottom lip; His mouth felt dry and stared down at Castiel’s mouth, slowly dragging his gaze back to the blue eyes in front of him.

“We do need to… talk before we leave, though… There is something you need to know, something that’s important.” Castiel spoke hesitantly, sounding more sullen.

The statement should have caused him some alarm, but he barely registered what Castiel had said, he was lost in the depths of the blue eyes, and the thick, gravelly voice to care what the man was saying. All he could think about was kissing him, tearing off his trench coat and pinning him to the car seat.

He nodded and leant closer, bringing their mouths until they were nearly touching.

Castiel pulled back and opened his door and stepped out. Dean sat staring at the vacant space that just moments before was filled with blue eyes.  
He sighed and stepped out of the car; the air was a little cooler, so he turned up his collar of his jacket and followed Cas to the cabin, then waited for him to open the door.

  
The cabin was small and cosy, although the air was a little stale; it was evident that no one had been there for some time. Castiel walked in behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist from behind, resting his chin on his shoulder, and turned looking at him slightly.

  
“What do you think?” Cas asked gently, curiously.  
“It’s…. cosy.” He answered, taking one last look around before turning in Castiel’s arms and wrapped his own arms around the other man’s waist. “So where’s the bedroom?” he asked, determined to get him into the bedroom and onto the bed.

  
“I don’t know; we will have to explore, but we should get these bags into the kitchen first.”  
He looked down and found four shopping bags on the ground beside Castiel’s feet; he didn't notice him coming in with them. He sighed and picked up two of the bags and walked through to the kitchen; Dean quickly removed the items from the two he had; the faster it was done, the better.

  
The moment the last bag was put aside empty; Dean’s patience was down to a fragile thin line, and as Castiel turned to him, he took hold of his tie and pulled him closer and kissed him, slow and hot, nipping gently on his lip and pulled away. He walked slowly backwards, still holding on to his tie as he navigated them both through the kitchen and the living room; trying the first door, he came to. He looked into it and found himself staring at a large bed. He grinned and pulled Castiel hastily into the room and turned him around, placing his back against the bed and pushed him until Castiel was flat on the bed and straddled his waist, finally letting go of his tie, only to begin to undo it, slowly kissing him as he did so. He discarded the tie and quickly moved to unbutton his shirt, the moment it was undone; he sat up and pulled his own shirt off and tossed it to the floor, then leant down and began kissing a path down Cas’s chest; down the abdomen until he reached the waist of his trousers.

  
He lightly peppered small kisses while he unbuttoned and unzipped Cas's trousers. He then began palming at the growing erection. Castiel moaned out, lifting his hips slightly, his hands tugging gently at Dean's hair. He groaned and lowered his head, nuzzling at the fabric of his briefs, inhaling the scent of him, his own body becoming aroused. He tugged at the waist of the trousers and pulled them off, tossing them to the side of the bed. He lowered himself and began stroking the thick, length of Cas's member; moving slowly, kissing the underside until he reached the tip. He quickly sank down; savouring the feel of the silk skin against his lips; the warm and salty taste against his tongue, while listening to the sounds he was eliciting with every suck, lick and squeeze; until a hand stopped him and guided him back up the bed.  
Castiel turned him quickly, about to shrug off his coat.

  
“Wait Cas… leave the coat on… “He didn’t know why, but the image of Castiel half naked, shirt open, dressed in the coat looked damn hot.

Castiel paused and tilted his head, considering something for a moment but then smiled and leant down and began to kiss him as his hands worked Dean’s clothes off and wrapped his fingers around his arousal, moving in even measured strokes, he gasped, head thrown back, lifting his pelvis to gain more friction. Castiel settled beside him, his hand still moving leisurely up and down his shaft, eyes fixed on his own.  
“Dean,” he whispered as he tilted his head and licked a stripe against his throat, “Oh God Cas,” he choked out, feeling light-headed as the pleasure began to wash over him, the small ball of fire in his stomach started to burn a little hotter. He was going to explode if Cas didn't do something soon.

  
"What the hell," he thought as he suddenly captured Castiel’s mouth, as he swiftly pushed him onto his back, he had never done this before, he needed to take control before he lost his mind. He leant over and grabbed the lube from the nightstand and squeezed a large amount of the gel down the length of Cas’s shaft. Cas hissed at the cold gel touching his skin, and he looked up with an apologetic kind of smile, then began to smooth the liquid in his hands and down the length of Cas's cock, the moans that came from Cas only made him harder, wanting him more.

  
Castiel took the bottle and poured a small amount into his own hand and covered his fingers, subsequently pulling Dean closer so he could kiss him. He gently pressed a finger against his rim, carefully working him open, his loud moans filling the room, as he began to rock against Cas’s fingers until he couldn’t take it any longer and sat back up. He reached around to take hold of Cas’s cock and slowly lowered himself onto it, wincing slightly as he felt the burn; taking it a little slower than he wanted, waiting for his own body to adjust until he bottomed out.

They stilled for a little while, waiting for him to adjust, and then lifted himself until just the tip of Cas remained inside and then sank down quickly, gasping at the feeling of being full, pleasure rocked through him as he watched Cas come undone beneath him, his palms flat on his chest. It was a sight he could drink in forever, a sight he would never want to forget.

An Adonis lying beneath him, eyes locked on his while he rode him slowly, his own cock throbbing against his stomach. He steadily picked up the pace; hitting the sweet spot every time he sank down again. Throwing his head back as the pleasure rocked through him, feeling the sheen of moisture cool in the air on his body.

  
“Holy… Shit…Cas..” he panted; as his breathing became heavy and Cas’s hand wrapped around his cock and began to pump him quickly, mercilessly, he was on the cusp of his orgasm and quickened his movements, thrusting down, taking the whole length.

  
“Holy fucking shit!” He shouted out as pleasure bolted through him quicker, stronger than he ever experienced as Cas's hands firmly held his hips down, as he lifted his own pelvis up in one last thrust as his body stiffened and threw his head back, moaning Dean's name through a rush of air.

  
Once Cas let go and relaxed against the bed, he slumped down onto Cas’s chest, feeling the warm sticky mess between them, but not caring. That was the most intense, hottest sex he had ever had, and he was exhausted, muscle tired and overheated and the orgasm was still fading, feeling his body twitching.

  
They both lay there silently for a few minutes, both catching their breaths, recovering, waiting for their bodies to energise once again.  
“That was fucking hot, Cas.” He whispered, huffing out a little laugh as he remained where he was.

  
“Yes, it was.” He heard a small whisper and then felt lips kissing the top of his head; he turned his head enough to be able to see a portion of Castiel’s face.  
“So we’re here all weekend?” he asked, smiling up, as Castiel looked down and locked eyes with him.  
“Yes.”  
“Good.” He replied as he closed his eyes. “That’s good.” He felt so sleepy. Completely and utterly sated and relaxed. He didn’t want to move, ever.

***********************************************

  
“Dean?”

  
“Hmmm?”

  
“Dean, you need to wake up and eat something.”

  
“mmm in a minute.” He murmured, not able to open his eyes, hearing the crackling sound and trying to understand why there was a fire crackling, was it raining too?  
He felt the soft press of lips against his, a gentle kiss and then the bed moved slightly.

  
“Come on, it’s getting dark, you’ve been asleep for several hours. You really do need to eat something, you didn’t have any lunch.”

  
He sighed contented, not wanting to open his eyes but cracked one open anyways. The room was illuminated by an orange glow, the ceiling looked different. Wait, it wasn’t his room.. Where was he? He opened his other eye and squinted and then rubbed at them to focus them. Looking around the small room, Castiel sat to the side of him, shirt partially buttoned, hair still messed up. He suddenly remembered where he was, and why he was sleeping, and he smiled up.

“Hi.” He breathed out as he took in the gorgeous sight of the dishevelled man sitting beside him.

  
“Hello,” Castiel replied with a warm smile, his blue eyes seeming like liquid in the glow of the firelight.

  
Thunder clapped, and the walls and roof shook. It sounded like it was above them. Dean looked out the window. It was dark outside. A flash of light could be seen across the sky.

“How long has it been raining?” he asked curiously.

  
“About an hour,” Cas replied, looking over at the window and then back to him.

  
It felt cosy, with the rain and thunder outside, the firelight illuminating the room with a soft glow, shadows dancing across the walls where the flames were moving.

  
He stretched contentedly and felt as well as heard his stomach growl. Castiel let out a soft chuckle.

  
“Come on, you need some food. We can eat in front of the fire, and watch some TV.”

  
He nodded and yawned, then groaned as he attempted to sit up, his body ached slightly. He used some muscles he hadn’t’ utilised in a while. There was the slight sting of pain, maybe he should have been a little gentler with himself, but as he reflected back, he grinned. It was worth the pain. So, so worth it.

  
He got off the bed and slowly walked out of the room, noticing Castiel’s frown as he walked past him. He was thankful to Cas for not mentioning anything. He just followed behind him. No doubt still frowning as he had seen him so many times before.

  
On the coffee table was a plate and a mug; the cup probably contained coffee. The plate held two burgers and some fries. He grinned at the burgers. It was the perfect recovery food. He quickened his steps and ignored the slight pain and made his way to the sofa and then fell down against the cushions, leaning forward and pulling the plate towards him as Castiel came to sit beside him, turning on the TV with the remote.

  
They both ate as they watched as Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey danced across the floor in the movie "Dirty Dancing." He had secretly always had a man crush on the man and felt a little aroused since his teen years when he watched him as he danced down the Isle of the room at the end of the movie. The man was the very icon of a sex god. He always tried to tell himself that it wasn’t like he was attracted to him, but more that he had admired his talents; it definitely had nothing to do with the way his body was perfectly sculptured or the smile he flashed.

  
He stared at the TV, watching as Johnny and Baby danced together, paying close attention to the way the black singlet top clung to his body.  
He tore his attention away from the Television when he felt eyes on him, and he turned, finding Cas watching him, intently.

“You alright Cas?” he asked curiously, unsure what he could see in the other man’s eyes.

  
“Yes, You like that man,” Cas stated, nodding towards the TV.

  
“Er, no, well, I think he’s a great actor, very talented.”

  
“That’s not what I mean Dean.” Castiel stared at him, unblinking. Eyes slightly squinted.

  
“Well, umm.. yes, a little, but c’mon the guy can move.”

Castiel watched him for a bit longer, and his face cracked into a broad smile.

  
“Yes, he can.” He replied and pulled Dean closer, throwing his arm over his shoulder. Dean relaxed into his side and returned his attention back to the movie.

  
This was nice, no one around to interrupt them. They had never been able to just sit down together relax and watch a movie with so many people always around. He smiled to himself and let out a contented breath; this weekend was going to be a really nice change. His thoughts turned to Sam, being at the house, going through whatever it was that he was going through, and he wasn’t there for him.

  
He turned his head to look up at Cas, “I feel guilty being here. Sam needs me. I should be there with him.”

  
“Gabe text messaged while you were asleep. Sam’s fine. They went out for burgers, and he explained it all to Gabriel. Jessica told him that her family was considering selling and moving away to California. They got into a little argument, and neither was willing to approach the other first. However, Sam approached Jessica at school today, and they have sorted everything out. He still is miserable that she could be moving, but he's now feeling much better than he was before now that they are talking again. Gabe dropped him around to Jessica’s before he sent me the text message with the update, they were planning to study together.”

  
He let out a sigh of relief but felt a little sick to his stomach; his brother had always come to him with his problems. He was always there for him, helping him and fixing what he could. However, this time, he opened up to someone else, who wasn’t him. Someone helped him feel better, but that someone, wasn't him.

  
“That’s good. I'm glad he’s feeling better. I just wish he could have come to me and talked about it.”

  
“Dean, you have to know that your brother loves you and knows you’ve been going through some tough things. He probably just wanted to make it easier on you, not put something else on to your shoulders. He didn’t tell you because he loves you. “

  
“As much as I know that is true, Cas, I just can’t help but feel like I’ve let him down, again.” He turned his attention back to the TV, trying to distract himself from the path of thoughts he could feel himself spiralling down into. Cas must have sensed it because he pulled him closer and squeezed his shoulder and then leant his head against his.

  
“You’re a good person. A caring and loving brother and Sam knows it. He knows you worry about him so much. He appreciates all that you have done for him.” And with that, the room fell silent, and they watched the rest of the movie together, Dean snuggled into his side, face partially pressed into his chest.

  
The rain continued until the early hours of the morning as Dean continued to snuggle into Cas, sometimes he watched the flames of the fire, listening to the smooth, steady beat of Castiel’s heart and other times glancing back to the TV, totally lost in the quiet, relaxing atmosphere around him. He rubbed circles on Cas’s chest and drumming out the beat of his heart, other times just touching, caressing the smooth, hot skin until Castiel rested his hand on his. Sharing small kisses every now and then. It was perfect, and half of him never wanted to leave the cabin, remain there forever in this perfect, peaceful moment of time.

  
He yawned and looked over at the clock that was hung on the wall, the hands showing it was two twenty. He looked up to the man next to him, whose eyes were closed. Was he asleep?

“Cas?’ he whispered, tapping him gently on the leg.

  
Castiel opened his eyes and looked down to him, eyelids half open.

  
“Yes, Dean?”  
“Were you asleep?”  
“No, I was just enjoying our time together. This is really nice."

  
“Me too, but er, we should probably get to bed.” He moved to sit up straight, turned facing him and leant down and kissed him, slow and gentle, pouring everything he felt into the kiss.  
Castiel sighed and kissed him back just as unhurried, just as gently.

  
The kiss slowly changed from a slow, almost lazy expression of their feelings, into something much more desperate and needy. Dean found himself tugging at Cas’s shirt, pushing back over his shoulders and down his arms as Castiel tightly gripped Dean’s hair, holding his head at an angle that made his furiously, hot and desperate tongue delve deeper into Dean’s mouth, then biting and sucking on his bottom lip. Dean groaned at the tightening tension his erection caused against his jeans. Belatedly wishing he chose to wear something looser fitting. He let a low growl and turned to positioning himself to sit on Cas’s lap, grinding himself against Cas’s arousal, groaning louder as he heard Castiel’s low throated growl. They were wearing too much clothing; he yanked at Castiel’s belt, pulling one end through the metal buckle, fumbling in his haste to rid the man of his clothes. Castiel growled again, and he found himself suddenly lifted in the air. Legs tightly wrapped around Cas’s waist as they moved through the room, to the bedroom, if he were thinking straight, he would have been surprised by the strength that Castiel appeared to have, to be able to carry him so swiftly from the living room, but he didn’t care… the clothing was too constricting, preventing him from being able to seek the pleasure he so desperately wanted.

  
Castiel placed him roughly onto the bed and stood at the bottom undoing his trousers, tossing them aside before climbing onto the bed and undoing Dean’s jeans... roughly pulling them off and throwing them across the room.  
He looked up, mind filled with nothing but desire as he watched the man leaning over him, pupils are blown, hair wild, lips reddened and chest heaving as he breathed in and out. Cas didn’t move; he continued to stare down for a moment longer before leaning over to the nightstand, picking up the bottle of lube. He turned back to Dean, and leant down to Kiss him and spoke gruffly, in a quiet almost inaudible tone.

  
“Turn over.”

  
Dean blinked at the command for a moment but quickly turned over to position himself on his hands and knees as Cas moved close behind him. He groaned as fingers pressed inside him, a slight sting had him wincing but was soon forgotten as Cas pushed in a second finger and found his sweet spot. He moaned loudly, trying hard to keep himself on his hands and knees.

  
“Cas…  _need you_ …” he whispered, panting, not sure how long he would last. Cas pulled his fingers away and pushed in hard, bottoming out in one fluid motion, causing Dean to moan out Castiel’s name.

  
There was nothing slow and measured, nothing gentle or steady paced. This was just hot, raw, sweaty sex, and Dean felt like he would die and go to heaven by the end. He wasn’t going to last at all as he was pounded into like it was their last day on earth. He let out a guttural moan, as Cas began to slam into him, his movements becoming more urgent, more erratic with each thrust. White flashed in front of Dean’s eyes as the orgasm shot through him, hot, thick fluid hitting his arms, chest and the bed beneath him.

“Oh go-“ he took in deep breaths of air as Castiel slammed one more time into him, holding them together as he growled out his own pleasure.  
His arms felt weak and shaky, and he collapsed onto the bed, knees still tucked under him. Castiel slumped down on top of him, his hot breath on Dean’s back.

  
He slowly caught his breath, and his heartbeat slowed down; Cas lifted himself and clumsily fell to the side of him, heavily breathing still. Dean moved closer to him and away from the now cold wet spot that was on his side.

  
“I thought it couldn’t get any better.’ He laughed, his throat feeling a little raw and dry.

Cas just huffed and turned his head to look at him, raising his hand to stroke his cheek. “Neither did I,” he finally replied.

  
Dean watched him until his eyes became too heavy to keep open and closed them, listening to Castiel’s breathing for a while and then fell into a deep sleep.

***************************************

 

Castiel listened to Dean’s light snoring for a while and wondered if everything was okay back at the house. Gabriel had taken Sam to Bobby’s while Gabriel tracked down and rescued Samandriel, who had been taken for interrogation after Raphael found out that he had been giving them news of what was happening with Heaven. He hoped that he wouldn’t be too late, that he would be able to rescue their brother. The problem was, if Raphael succeeded in interrogating Samandriel, then the house wasn’t safe for the boys. If their location was revealed, if anything they had been doing to protect the boys was known by the archangels, then the boys were in danger, and they would need to find another way to keep them safe.

  
He looked over at Dean, who was peacefully sleeping, dreaming of something happy, smiling and murmuring in his sleep. This was a good break for Dean, but he and Gabriel had agreed it was time to tell them what was happening, what he was… who they were and why it was happening. He felt so nervous. This weekend could be the last time he and Dean were together. It could be the last time he would ever see Dean smile without the burden of what was to come.  
He leant over and kissed him gently on his head and settled down and listened as the rain subsided outside, hearing a few birds beginning to chirp, the sun would start to rise in a few hours and bringing them one day closer to them both knowing everything.

 

 


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry this has taken a while to be posted, I've had the chapter finished for a while now, but I felt very little confidence with posting it until now.
> 
> I hope it isn't a bore! <3

22nd January 2000

Dean awoke to the smell of bacon filling the bedroom; he turned finding the other side of the bed empty. He stretched; his muscles were still slightly sore.

 It felt like he had been through a few rounds in the ring. Groaning he pulled himself out of the bed and made his way through to the kitchen where he stopped and leant against the frame of the door. He watched Cas as he navigated through the kitchen; a little awkwardly as he moved from the toaster and back to the stove top.

Cas looked out of his comfort zone, trying hard not to burn anything. He smiled to himself and pushed away from the frame reaching Cas in four short strides and wrapped his arms around his waist.

“Morning, “he said, kissing Castiel on the cheek. Castiel smiled and turned his head to look at him.  
“I didn’t think you would be awake yet.”

He chuckled, “How could I resist the smell coming from this room? Here, let me do it. You seem a little stressed.” He reached forward and covered the hand which held the spatula with his own, “No; I want to do it.” Cas moved his hand away, out of his reach.

“Okay, Okay, how about I just show you then?”  
This seemed to agree with Cas, and Dean felt him relax against him, so he slowly covered his hand, taking hold of the spatula, “Okay, you have to be gentle with the egg, just gently slide it underneath like this.” Dean slid the thin metal end of the spatula under the egg.

“Then, quickly but carefully flip your wrist.” Castiel stared at the now upside-down egg for a moment and then turned his head and smiled.  
“That was easier than I thought.”

“It’s all on the wrist.” Dean smiled and glanced over to the toaster, smelling the tell-tale signs of it about to burn.

“You might want to check on that toast, though.”  
Castiel’s head snapped around and rushed towards the toaster, frantically trying to find a way to release the toast from its captivity inside the still burning elements of the appliance.  
Dean let out a laugh and joined him, pushing the lever lightly and watched as four pieces of toast popped up; thankfully with limited dark burnt spots.

“Here, let me do this.” Before Castiel could debate it with him, he took the pieces of hot toast and put them on a plate, carrying them over to the table and then moved back to the stove and lifted an egg out of the frying pan, allowing the oil to drain from it before placing it onto another plate. He cracked two more eggs and flipped oil over them with ease; while Castiel stood to the side of him, watching.  
“I wanted to make breakfast for you.” Castiel sighed,  
"Cas, you did, and it smells and looks delicious. And now I’m making you breakfast.” He turned to Cas, finding him not at all convinced.

“This is good.” He shouldered the other man playfully, and Castiel smiled slightly but continued to stare at the frying pan. He turned his attention back and flipped the eggs over.  
“So do you have any ideas of what we can do today? He asked, hoping to distract him.  
“I thought we could relax, watch some movies or go for a walk..." Castiel replied, still watching as Dean flicked more oil onto the eggs.

His muscles ached, a reminder that walking was the furthest thing he wanted to do.  
"Movies sound good.” He said while he lifted the eggs and allowed them to drain before placing them onto another plate.

He carried both plates to the table while Castiel poured hot water into two cups of coffee, then joined him at the table; both taking their seats.

They ate breakfast in silence; he watched while Castiel took small bites of the toast, chewing thoughtfully, sometimes screwing up his nose before swallowing.  
“Don’t you like it?” he asked. Castiel lifted his eyes from the plate, appearing a little surprised by his question.

"Oh, no... No... I’m just not that hungry.” He placed his knife and fork onto his plate and then pushed it away from him.

“You don’t eat much.” He observed as he took in the barely touched food on the plate.  
“I’m not a big eater,” Castiel replied as he looked out the window, he seemed far away.  
Dean placed his own knife and fork down and pushed the plate forward, lifting his coffee to his mouth and taking a few sips as he continued to watch Castiel over the edge of it.

“Okay, Cas, what’s up?”  
Castiel turned his head, his attention back to the cabin again.  
“Nothing, why?”

“I dunno, you seem so far away, distracted.”

Castiel remained quiet for a moment, staring down at the salt shaker and then looked back to him.

“It’s nothing. I'm fine. I was thinking; that’s all.”  
He wasn’t convinced.  
"Are you sure? It doesn't seem like 'nothing' to me.”

 

Castiel looked towards him and then down to the plate in front of him. "I'm fine." He mumbled.

Something was wrong, but there was no point pushing for an answer, it was obvious Cas wasn’t going to tell him.

Dean sighed and knocked back his coffee.  
"Fine, I'll leave it for now, but I want to know later what’s up... I’m going to take a shower."  
He pushed back from the table and entered the bathroom, turning the shower on and stripped off while he waited for the water to heat up.

The water wasn't as hot, nor was there a strong spray of water unlike the one back at home and he spent less time in the shower than he ordinarily would; too concerned with what was going on with Cas. He quickly dried and dressed then made his way out of the room glancing around the rooms as he passed them.

Castiel was nowhere to be found inside the cabin; so he moved back to the bedroom and pulled on his jacket and stepped outside finding Castiel standing near a tree; preoccupied with something in his hands.

He walked casually over to him, "Cas?" he asked quietly; Castiel straightened up and turned to him, smiling; putting something back into his pocket, then returned his attention back to Dean. "That was quick."

"Yeah, the showers not as good as back home.”

Castiel smile widened and reached for his hand and pulled him closer, capturing his mouth with a slow; sweet kiss and then pulled back and tugged his arm towards the forest.

"Since you're out here, we might as well go for a walk,"

he sighed; "Yeah, okay." He allowed Castiel to lead him through the forest.

"So… Something is up; you're acting.... different. You seem worried. What's bothering you?" He asked.

Castiel sighed and stopped walking to pick a flower from one of the bushes and then turned to him, handing something to him.

"Thanks..." He said, looking down at the small purple flower. He heard Castiel sigh, and he glanced up and found Castiel looking into the distance.

"My brother; Samandriel is in a bit of trouble, and Gabriel has gone to help him - Don't worry Sam is with Bobby. I'm a little concerned for both their safety."

"Oh. Shouldn't we head back home? I mean, someone should be there, right?"

"No, it’s better if we stay here," Castiel replied, giving him a brighter smile and turned back to the path and tugged at his hand to keep walking.

They remained quiet for some time; it felt weird, holding hands; it wasn't something they'd done before, but he liked it; it felt comforting; companionable. He kicked at the small rocks and glanced over at Castiel every now and then, who was, in turn, looking up into the trees.

"So, What was it like for you as a child? You never say anything about it."

"There isn't anything to tell you about my childhood."

"Nothing at all? What was it like growing up with so many brothers and sisters? What was your dad like?"

Castiel stopped; turning to look at him.

"I never really saw my father; He was always... away. I guess living with my brothers, and sisters are like any family. We had our ups and downs, but nothing of any import."

"So, you never knew your mother?"

"No."

"Have you ever thought about looking for her?"

"No."

"What about school, did you have many friends? "

"I was homeschooled."

"So how did you make friends? Did you have like a homeschooling youth club or something?"  
"No. I didn’t really have friends."

"Oh," he said quietly, giving Castiel's hand a small squeeze.

They circled back to the cabin; it was lunch by the time they got back, and Dean made them both a ham sandwich; his muscles weren't protesting as much as he thought they would, in fact; they felt a lot better than the morning.

He took both plates and put them in the sink, rinsing them quickly and glanced over to find Castiel squatted down in front of the TV; his brows were furrowed; a DVD secured on the tip of his finger, his other hand pressing buttons on the DVD player.

He seemed to be having problems trying to get the tray to open. He squatted down beside him and gently took the DVD from his finger and leant over to push the button that opened the DVD drawer, waited and then placed the DVD onto it.

Castiel stared at the drawer as it closed for a moment.  
"Thank you; I don't know why it wouldn't open for me."

Dean chuckled again. "You were pressing it too many times; that's why it was making that whirring sound."

Castiel shook his head and walked over to the sofa; sat down; leaning his arm against the back of it then looked expectantly at him.

He grinned and quickly made his way over to the sofa and unceremoniously fell back onto it, laying down and placing his head on Castiel's lap as he pressed play on the remote.

He lingered for a few moments watching Cas and then turned to paying attention to the Tv as Cas began to run his fingers through his hair.

It was nice, and just as the movie began; he closed his eyes. The fingers running through his hair was calming him; relaxing him. He could remain there forever.  
he slowly drifted to sleep while he listened to the voices coming from the TV.

*********************************************

Castiel looked down as he heard quiet sounds of snoring, and smiled. The weekend was turning out as he had hoped. It gave Dean some time to unwind and not think about anything.

He ran his fingers over his forehead, squinting in concentration as he watched Dean’s dreams; keeping himself out of the way so he wouldn’t be noticed. So far, they had given him nothing; except for the one time he had dreamed of them both, he felt wrong being there lingering a little longer than he probably should have been; but he couldn’t look away, couldn’t force himself to remove his fingers and break the connection, by the end Dean wasn’t the only one who had cum untouched.

 

After a few minutes, he was satisfied that nothing in Dean’s dreams would tell him anything from the day at the hospital. He broke the connection and resumed running his fingers through Dean's hair, leaning his head back against the sofa and listened to the movie as it continued to play.

It was an intriguing movie; humans being born in pods and used as batteries while they believed they lived in a real world.

Just as the movie was about to end, he heard a movement then a breeze swept past him. He turned his head and found Gabe standing at the edge of the sofa; watching Dean sleep.

He nodded slightly before gently shifting himself out of the way from beneath Dean’s head and Gabriel quietly moved over and slid a pillow under it. Castiel quietly pulled a wool blanket over him and stood back and looked down, Dean was still sleeping soundly. He gestured for Gabriel to exit the Cabin from the front door and then followed behind his brother until they were both outsides; away from the Cabin.

“Did you manage to save him?” he asked, hoping the silence until now was because he was attending to their brother.  
“Yes, although he’s unconscious, I don’t know what they did to him, but it can’t have been good,” Gabriel replied sullenly.

“Do you know if he has said anything?”

Gabriel shook his head, “No. He had made no sense before he collapsed. I took that moment to come and let you know he was now safe. When he wakes up, I’ll let you know. I have strengthened the warding that hides the house from Angels, but I don’t know how effective it will be if Mike or Raph comes themselves. I have to go; I just wanted to update you. I will be back the moment I know anything.”

“Gabe?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Do you think this will stop eventually?”  
“I don’t think so, once Mikey and Raph have an idea it’s not easy to stop them. The only one who they ever listened to was good ole Dad, and since he’s not around… Cas, we will find a way somehow.”  
Castiel sighed and nodded. “I won’t let them near Dean or Sam; they will have to go through me first.”

“I know, and I’m afraid they will do just that.” Gabriel clicked his fingers and was gone.

He turned back to the house and slowly entered, making sure the door didn’t creak and stood for a while and watched Dean sleep until he realised that green orbs were staring back at him.

“How long have you been awake?” he asked curiously.  
Dean stretched and yawned, rubbing his eyes and looked at the blanket that was over him.  
“Not long. Where were you?”  
“I thought I heard something outside, so I went to investigate. It must have been an animal or something.”

Dean stood up and stretched again and stepped forward taking hold of his tie then pulled him until he had to step forward. Dean let out a throaty chuckle and leant down to kiss him.  
Castiel leant into the kiss and cupped Dean’s jaw with his hand. It felt new every time they kissed, and he didn’t think he would ever get bored with feeling Dean’s tongue brush against his own, slow and gentle at first then deepening the kiss with each stroke of his tongue; becoming more measured and deliberate in its movement. It took a lot of restraint every single time to keep himself planted where he was; instead of lifting Dean up and carrying him to the bedroom.

Their relationship was becoming much more physical, and he felt conflicted. He enjoyed their conversations, but he also enjoyed the physical side. He sighed and slowly pulled away from the kiss.

As much as he wanted it, he also wanted to talk to him, prepare him as much as he could for his revelation.

“We should talk.” He said as he noticed Dean watching him, his eyes searching for an answer to an unasked question.  
Dean’s expression faltered slightly before he gained control and his face smoothed out.

“Why do I feel like this isn’t something I’m going to like hearing?” he asked; his voice lowered slightly; he swallowed, and Castiel watched as Dean’s Adam’s apple rise and then descend again.

He took hold of Dean’s hand and led him back to the sofa and gestured for him to join him on it. Dean remained standing for some time; so Castiel decided to sit down; staring up at Dean, waiting for him to follow. Dean stared at him for a moment longer, then rolled his eyes and joined him.

“So what is it Cas?”  
“Nothing really, I have just, missed talking to you. That’s all.”  
“Is that it Cas?” Dean asked he could hear the relief in his tone.  
“Yes.”  
“Why didn’t you just say that?”  
“I, um, I… I’m sorry I guess it did sound worse, didn’t it?”  
Dean nodded but said nothing.

The room fell quiet; the clock was the only sound in the room.

He ran through different conversation starters; it felt awkward and Dean didn’t seem to want to say anything first.

“So how are you feeling now that you’re back at work? ”  
Dean looked up from his hands and smiled. “Yeah, I’m feeling much better. Work has been good; I have missed fixing cars. “

“What about the therapist?” Castiel asked him gently,  
“Yeah, it’s helped a lot more it’s still difficult to talk about things. It’s hard to admit to how you feel. You know?”  
“Yes. What about the nightmares? Are they less frequent?”

“Yeah, I’m getting them less and less. They are changing too, and I don’t see mom outside the car as much anymore, but…“

 

“But?”

Dean quietened and then changed the subject. “So what about you Cas? Have you heard from your brothers?”

“Yes, Gabe called and let me know that he has Samandriel. He’s sleeping at the moment, but he’s safe.”

Dean smiled and took his hand in his own. “That’s great Cas, will he be staying with us?”

“I… I don’t know. I believe he will be staying for a while at least.”

“I’m glad Gabe found him; I don’t know what I would do if it were Sam. Who took him?”

“Just some men who wanted some information from him.” He vaguely answered.

He tried to find a way to open up the conversation about Angels and Demons, but he couldn’t find a way to bring it up; the conversation wasn’t going as he had hoped.

“Cas? What is it?”  
“Oh, it’s nothing, would you like to watch another movie? We could maybe play a board game?” He asked; it probably wasn’t the right time to bring anything up.

“Sure… Do you know the game rock, paper scissors?” Dean asked him; he had watched the brothers play this game when they couldn’t’ decide on something, it always made him curious to how such a game was played, what the rules were; Dean never seemed to win Sam.

“No, I don’t know that game, how do you play it?” he asked, noticing how Dean seemed to like this news.

“Okay, so you have to try to beat the other person.”

“Okay.”  
“This is paper” Dean flattened his hand to demonstrate.  
“these are scissors.” Dean opened and closed two fingers.

“This is rock.” Dean closed his fist and waited for him to nod.  
“Alright, got it.”

“If you chose paper….” Dean paused and waited for him to flatten his hand.  
“And I’m scissors… I win because scissors can cut paper.”

“Okay,” he responded. He was getting the idea of the game now.  
“If you were rock…... And I was scissors... You would win because rock breaks scissors.”

“Okay, What if I was rock, and you were paper?” he asked.

“I would win because paper covers rock... Okay?”

“Yes. I think I understand the game. Rock breaks scissors, but paper covers rock. Scissors cut paper. Okay Got it.”

“Alright so we both hold our hands like this, and we count to three, then at the same time we make the symbol of what we pick.”

“Okay.”

“Okay, So on the count of three.”

He followed Dean’s lead and brought his hand forward, closed fisted and waited until Dean reached three.

“One... Two… Three..."

He flattened his hand and waited for Dean to make his move, but he didn’t.

Dean groaned, “One to you.” He mumbled.

“Okay… One… Two Three…”

He decided to pick rock this time… and watched as Dean made the symbol for scissors and then groaned again.

This game seemed less thrilling than he expected, winning the game didn’t seem to need much effort or logic.

“Okay, one more time,” Dean demanded, seeming rather grumpy.

This time, he was going to let Dean win; he hoped that Dean would pick paper, and so he would once again use Rock.

“Count of three… One... Two… Three!”

Dean groaned again, and he looked down to find that he also kept to the scissors.

“This game is stupid,” Dean stated and flopped back on the sofa.

Castiel smiled, typical old Dean…

He leant back against the back of the sofa and turned his head to face Dean…

“Are there any other games you’d like to play or something else you want to do?”

Dean turned his head and smiled mischievously…”What about if we get some beers and play truth or dare? I saw a store back down the road a few miles when we were coming up here.”

“Alright, but what’s truth or dare?”

“Seriously Cas where did you grow up… Mars? You got to know what Truth or Dare is.”

He stayed quiet and just stared at Dean… waiting for him to explain. Dean rolled his eyes and then went into the rules of the game. It sounded like a fun way to spend the evening.

“Okay, you wait here, and I’ll go get the beers.” He said after Dean finished explaining the rules to him.

Dean nodded, and his answer seemed to pick Dean's mood up. He took the keys and stepped outside; he thought about going by teleport, but Dean would notice the car was still in the drive, and so he sighed and climbed into the car and started the engine. He missed using his wings; this was slow, too slow after thousands of years of being able to travel just by thinking of where he wanted to be.

He got back to the cabin quicker than he expected. He brought four packs of six bottles of Beer that he hoped Dean would enjoy. He stepped through the door and heard Dean on the mobile, presumably talking to Sam. He made his way into the kitchen quietly put the bottles into the fridge; leaving two out and then stepped through to the living room.

“Alright, call me if you need me... Yeah, I will, Okay... see-ya.” Dean ended the call and stepped towards Castiel to take the bottle of beer, twisting the cap.  He took a large gulp of the beer before raising his brows and asking, “Are you ready to play?” he grinned; It seemed more boyish to Cas, and he couldn’t help but grin back, nodding slightly.

He really didn’t have any idea what was about to happen but going by Dean’s grin. Dean had some plans. He wasn’t exactly sure if it would be something he’d enjoy or not.

They made their way to the sofa and sat facing each other.

“Okay, since it’s my idea I’m gonna start first… Truth or Dare?” Dean asked without pausing, leaving him no choice but to answer rather than debate who would go first.

He thought for a second, If he said dare, he was sure Dean had something very uncomfortable up his sleeve for him to do, but if he said the truth, what would Dean possibly ask?

“Umm… truth?” he half-asked, half-stated.

Dean pouted slightly but nodded. “Okay, when did you first lose your virginity?”

Castiel breathed out a sigh of relief, thankful it was something easy, but he had to calculate the time. It had been by his own timeline fifteen human years since he had slept with the reaper, and he told Dean he was twenty-eight, which would have made him thirteen if he told him that. Maybe he should make it ten years.

“I was eighteen.” He answered, feeling pleased with his answer.  
“Okay your turn to ask me.”

“Umm, alright. Truth or Dare?”  
“Dare,” Dean stated a glint in his eye.

Damn, he didn’t know what to dare him to do, he glanced around the room trying to find something that could inspire him.

“Umm, I dare you to, erm…. Okay, recite the Lords' prayer backwards.” This was so much harder than he thought, if he knew what he could dare, maybe it would have been easier, but saying the Lords' prayer backwards wasn’t something that someone would regularly do… would they?

Dean coughed then choked on the mouthful of beer he had just knocked back.  
“Seriously? You want me to say the Lord’s Prayer backwards... shit, you really haven’t played this game before have you?”

Cas tilted his head and raised his eyebrows and waited.

Dean sighed, rolled his eyes and remained silent for a few minutes as his eyes looked up, apparently running over the prayer, he watched Dean’s mouth move silently as he remembered it.

“Okay…... Amen, Forever and ever-“  
“No Dean, you have to say it backwards... So it would be Amen, ever and ever for….”

“Ugh….. fine…fine…”

“Amen, ever and ever For, glory the…. erm… glory the and power the…. um... kingdom the is thine for… erm…. Oh, come on… that’s not fun at all. Do I have to do the whole thing.”

Castiel smiled, this was fun. “Maybe another couple of lines.”

Dean rolled his eyes and sat quietly again for a minute…  
“evil from us deliver…. Erm…. Temptation into not us leads and… That’s it. I’m done.”

Cas let out of a laugh and nodded. “You did well.”

“Yeah, whatever, that was seriously unfair,” Dean grumbled but then smiled wickedly.

“Okay, now it’s my turn… Truth or Dare?”

“Umm, Truth.”

 

“Would you ever consider bottoming?”

“I don’t understand that reference.” He responded a bit confused and curious.

“Oh, er… it means… would you... Like… you know how we... You know… “ Dean tilted his head towards the bedroom and gestured to them both and then looked hopefully at him.

It took him a few minutes to work out what Dean was trying to say.

“Do you mean when we have sex?” He asked, still curious and confused.

“Well... yeah… would you ever consider like we… erm. Do it the other way around... like you know….” Dean trailed off, and Castiel could see Dean’s cheeks growing slowly redder.

“You know what… it doesn’t matter; I’ll ask another question…”

“Oh, I understand what you’re asking… I… never thought about it. I think I would… So yes. My turn, Truth or Dare?” He was beginning to understand the theme of the questions now; they are meant to be personal, things that wouldn’t usually be known.

“Umm… after last time… I’m going to say Truth.”

“Okay, If someone told you there were real monsters out in the world. Would you believe them?”

“Umm no, unless you are including rapist and serial killers?”

“No, I mean Vampires, Demons, Werewolves?”

Dean laughed loudly “No… do you believe in monster's Cas?”

“No, I was just asking… “

“Okay… my turn... Truth or Dare?”

“Truth.”

“Oh c’mon Cas you gotta say dare at some point, you can’t keep choosing truth…”

“Why?”  
“because it’s half the fun!”

“Fine, Dare, I choose Dare, happy?”

Dean smiled and nodded enthusiastically.

“I dare you to strip down to your shorts… and do it… slowly.”

This time, it was Castiel’s turn to roll his eyes, he sighed heavily and began to slowly remove his tie, and then slowly unbuttoned his shirt, suddenly realising that Dean was watched his hands as he slowly pushed each button through the holes. So he slowed down, this was actually fun.

He removed his shirt and tossed it onto the back of the sofa with his trench coat and tie; then began to unbutton his trousers slowly, feeling Dean’s eyes on him still as he drew his zip down and let them fall to the ground and stepped out of them. He glanced up to find Dean’s pupils larger than normal, and he was breathing a little heavier, and picked up his trousers, placing them over the back of the sofa and then sat down again; facing Dean.

He smiled, as Dean stared at him, saying nothing.  
“Okay, my turn. Truth or Dare?” he asked, trying to keep his face straight.

“Oh… Erm…. Dare.” Dean stated clearing his throat.

“I dare you to…... erm…. Do the same. Strip down slowly to your underwear.”

Dean stood up quickly and began to pull off his sweater, not at all as slow as he should have been.

“Dean… Slowly.”

Dean paused for a moment. “Oh… right… yeah… Okay.”  
Dean slowly removed his clothes. Castiel managed to keep his reaction under control, adjusting his position slightly when Dean bent down to pick up his clothes to toss them onto the back of the sofa.

Dean sat down again, but this time crossed his legs and turned facing him straight on, twisting the cap off his fifth beer, knocking back half the bottle without taking a breath then looked at him, Dean’s eyes seemed a little unfocused.

“Okay, Cas, Truth or Dare?”

“Um, Truth.”

“Am I going to get laid tonight?”

Castiel laughed; he wasn’t expecting that he leant forward and pulled Dean closer and kissed him. Dean groaned and moved until he was sitting on his lap, his hands weaving through his hair.

“Dean…... Don’t you think we should take this to the bedroom... “

“No… better here… ” Dean mumbled as he continued to nip and suck at his neck while his hands travelled down his chest.

The sound of a phone ringing interrupted them; Dean pulled back and looked confused; the sound was coming from just behind them.

“That will be Gabriel; I have to get this.” Castiel gave Dean his best apologetic look before turning; pulling his trench coat from the back of the sofa and tried to find the pocket that the mobile was in. Dean sighed heavily and moved to sit beside him again, pouting slightly.

He managed to pull the mobile out of his pocket and pressed the button to answer the call.

“Gabe?”

“Hey Bro, I thought it was better to call you, I didn’t think Dean would be too happy if he found me standing there while-“

“Gabe, is everything alright?” Cas stood up and moved to the front door and stepped outside, forgetting that he was standing in just his boxers.

“Samandriel has come around as far as I can understand between his ramblings... Raph never got any information from him, but the bastard did some serious damage. I’m trying to heal him, but the damage Raph did… I don’t know if I can completely heal him.”

He felt relieved that the Archangels still had no idea what they were doing, but he felt guilty, if they hadn’t contacted Samandriel, he would never have been captured and interrogated.

“Gabe, make sure he stays there; he can’t leave if Raphael or Michael found him again…. “

“Way ahead of ya bro… He’s taken your room since you seem to be shacked up with Dean-”

Castiel sighed. “Gabe, don’t start.”

“Start what? It looked like I didn’t have to start anything from the view I had-“

“Enough,” Castiel whispered sternly into the phone.

“Whoa, okay, okay don’t shoot me. I’m going to check on Sam and Bobby. I’ll check ya later bro..”

“Alright, Bye Gabriel. Thank you for letting me know.”

“No probs.”

Castiel pressed the hang-up button and turned and walked back inside; he glanced down and realised suddenly he was wearing nothing but his underwear. He returned to the living room and found Dean asleep on the sofa, sprawled across it.

He debated for a second about leaving him where he was, but instead, he walked into the bedroom and pulled the blankets out of the way and moved back to the living room to pick Dean up and carry him to the bed, gently lowering him into it and pulled the bed covers over him.

He watched him for a few minutes and then moved around to his side of the bed and slid in between the bed covers and laid watching Dean sleep.

Tomorrow he would have to somehow tell Dean, who he really was and what was happening. He felt the unease in the pit of his stomach. The more time that went by, the idea of telling Dean seemed to become more and more difficult.

He picked up his mobile and sent a message to Gabriel, maybe they could hold off until their initial agreed time. There was only one more day before Dean’s twenty-first, maybe it would be kinder to tell him after; so he could enjoy it.

 

 


	23. First Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay in posting this chapter, and I'm sorry for any mistakes in this chapter, I've ran through it but I really wanted to get this finally posted, The next chapter is almost finished and hopefully will be posted really soon.

** 23rd January 2000 **

  
“Hey, Hey… Cas get your ass back in here.”

  
“I’ll be there in a minute...” 

  
“Cas… What the hell are you doing?”

  
There was silence coming from the other room, “Castiel... Get your sexy ass in here now.”

  
“In a minute.” The voice answered back.

  
He huffed and lay back down on his pillow looking at the ceiling. It was their last day at the Cabin; they would be back home come nighttime, back to normal life.  
He could hear Cas moving towards the bedroom, and as he heard the door shutting, he smirked.

  
“About damn time... What the hell were you doing-“ before he could say anything more, Blue eyes loomed above him, sparkling, as hair tickled his forehead.

  
“Hello, Dean,” Castiel spoke with a deep, gravelly voice; smiling.

  
Dean’s heart began to beat fast, that voice, those eyes; he breathed in deeply and let it out slowly.  
“Hi.” He replied weakly, now smiling himself.

  
Castiel moved slightly, placing his elbows on either side of Dean’s head and rested his chin on the heels of his hands and just continued watching him.  
Dean wrapped his arms around his waist and grinned up.

  
“So are we just gonna lay like this all day?”

  
Castiel chuckled; this was such a different Castiel than the one who he had spent the day before with; he seemed full of energy, happy… playful.  
“What’s gotten into ya Cas? I’m sure I’m going to get whiplash-”

  
“Why would you have whiplash… Does your neck hurt?” Castiel interrupted; looking concerned.

  
Dean rolled his eyes… “No but yesterday you were quiet and today you’re…. you’re kind of playful… not that I’m complaining-“ warm lips crashed down on his, a hot tongue pushing against his mouth. He groaned, his last thought completely forgotten.  
Within 20 minutes, bed covers were thrown off the bed, along with their clothing and both men heavily breathing and exhausted, his hand resting on Castiel’s chest.

  
“I guess I can forgive you … for making me wait.” He said between deep inhales of air.  
Castiel chuckled and turned his body slightly so they were looking at each other.

  
“I’m glad to hear that.” He replied and then continued. “What time did you want to leave to head back?”

  
“Do we really have to leave, it’s so peaceful and quiet here.” He replied; feeling the disappointment rise; reminded that their weekend was almost over.

  
“It’s your birthday tomorrow, so it’s your choice… we can stay the extra night, or we can go back to the house. “

  
“I don’t know, I will send a message to Vince and see if he will be cool with me not being at work tomorrow. If he says, it’s fine. Then I’d like us to stay another day. So what are we going to do today?”

“I saw a small place we could go to for something to eat back down in that town I drove into; to get the beers. What do you think?”

“Sounds good! I’m going to jump in the shower. “He made his way to the bedroom door and then turned his head to look over his shoulder. “Are you coming?”

  
Castiel shook his head, “I will have a shower soon, I need to call Gabe and see how Samandriel is.”

  
He felt a wave of disappointment wash over him; but he understood because if it were Sam, he would be the same. He offered Castiel his best sympathetic smile and nodded.  
“I won’t be long. “He assured him and then turned and made his way into the bathroom. 

   
Back in the bedroom, Castiel picked up his mobile and noticed he had 3 text messages from Gabriel.

  
**Gabriel:**  He needs to know sometimes Cassie, we can’t keep putting it off.  
**Gabriel:**  I have spoken to Bobby, he isn’t happy about putting it off longer.  
**Gabriel:**  Dammit Castiel. Do you guys ever take a break?  
He sighed and began tapping the keypad.  
**Castiel:**  Dean will be 21 tomorrow, I am only asking for it to be put off until after that; like we were going to, and STOP TELEPORTING HERE WITHOUT WARNING!  
**MMS: Gabriel:**  Finally! If you answered your messages, I wouldn’t need to drop in unannounced. This is the last time we’re putting this off okay? We are going to throw Dean a party on the weekend… After that, we’re telling them.  
**Castiel:**  Fine. Does Dean know about the party or is it a surprise?  
**Gabriel:**  A surprise. So don’t go telling him.  
**Castiel:**  Okay.

  
He sighed and put the phone down as he heard the bathroom door open, and Dean Step out.  
“So how’s your brother?” Dean asked as he wrapped the towel around his waist, loose enough that it slid to hang lower, showing off his hip bones.

  
Castiel focus slid down Dean’s body, admiring it before he realised that he hadn’t asked about him.  
“He’s umm, the same, I guess it will take him some time before he heals completely.” He averted his eyes, “I should go shower.” He smiled at Dean, and stepped past him and made his way into the bathroom.

  
He turned the shower taps on and stepped inside not caring about the water temperature; it didn’t affect him anyway, and Dean wasn’t with him. He washed quickly and stepped out, wrapped a towel around his waist and walked back to the bedroom, and found a pair of Jeans and a blue sweater laid out on the bed.

  
He smiled and moved towards the drawers to take out a pair of clean underwear and socks. Dean seemed to favour those clothes on him, and he had to admit to himself, he loved how Dean reacted every time he put them on.

  
He quickly dried and put on the clothes and found Dean in the kitchen flipping something inside the frying pan. Dean glanced over his shoulder as he heard him walk into the kitchen and for a moment his eyes traced down his body, mouth parting slightly but then turned back and cleared his throat. “I thought we could have pancakes this morning.”  
He nodded and pulled out one of the chairs and sat watching the back of Dean as he moved from the stove to the counter. He felt much more relaxed now that he didn’t have the weight of having to reveal who he was, not for another week. He could enjoy their last day alone together.

  
“Did you manage to talk to Vince?” he inquired, hopefully.  
“Yeah, that man is so awesome, I’m lucky to have a boss like him. He said it was okay, but I’m going to owe him for it.” Dean chuckled but didn’t explain the reason for it, and he didn’t ask.  
He turned off the stove and placed two plates on the table and then took two mugs from the counter.  
“Bon appetit!” Dean smiled and gestured towards his plate.

  
Castiel looked down at the plate and braced himself to eating it; trying to do as Gabriel had tried to advise him to do, but it was harder than it looked.  
“Try and concentrate on the flavour, don’t question it. Chew it quickly if that helps. “Gabriel had said.  
He tried to do just that, but it never worked, the molecules were hard to ignore, the flavour all but forgot.  
Dean watched him, waiting for him to begin before he too began to eat so he picked up the fork and cut a small piece from the perfectly round and golden pancake; using the side of the fork and forced it into his mouth, chewing as quickly as he could and then swallowing.

“Mmmmm”, this is really good Dean.” He smiled as convincingly as he could.

  
Dean studied him for a moment before digging into his own pancake.

  
“I spoke to Sam while you were in the shower….”

  
“Oh? How is he?”

  
“He’s good, he’s reading all of Bobby’s books on mythology. Apparently, Bobby has bookcases filled with books about monsters. “Dean chuckled and pushed more pancake into his mouth.

  
“Sam likes those kinds of books?” he asked, hoping that he sounded sincere in his curiosity. 

  
Dean nodded, “Sam reads anything and everything, but he seems to like the mythical stories the most.”

  
“Does he believe in the…. Monsters?” he inquired.

  
“Probably…” Dean replied absently while he cut another piece from the pancake.

  
Castiel nodded and pushed his plate away from him and leant back in the chair, watching Dean as he finished the last of his pancakes.

  
So much had changed in the 3 months since he showed himself to Sam and Dean and everything seemed to be going better than he could have imagined. His eyes weren’t glazed over; he smiled often and laughed just as much. He had a zest for life again. It made his angelic heart swell, for once he hadn’t failed. He was on his way to redemption.

  
“Hey, earth to Cas?”

  
He pulled his focus back into the room, seeing Dean looking concerned as he watched him.  
“Sorry, did you say something?”

  
Dean watched him for a moment and then smiled, “Nah, you were just staring at me but not in this room with me. What were you thinking about?”  
“Oh, just that… umm, well I was just thinking how much better you’ve gotten over the last 3 months.”

  
Dean rolled his eyes and pushed his chair back as he stood up, taking the 2 plates from the table and moved to the sink and washed them up.  
Castiel smiled and stood up; following Dean until he stood behind him and impulsively put his arms around Dean’s waist, resting his chin on his shoulder.

  
Dean froze for a moment, dishcloth in one hand, the other in the midst of placing a plate on the drainer; he turned his head slightly, seeming surprised but regained his composure. He put the plate on the draining rack and wringing out the cloth and hung it over the tap spout.

  
Cas could see the smile as Dean slowly turned in his arms until he was facing him. He leant in and kissed him and then pulled back.  
“So what should we do? Should we head into town now and take a look around, or stay here until closer to lunch?”  
Dean took a moment to think and then nodded. “Yeah, we can check out what stores they have there; maybe we can find a small souvenir for Sam.”  
“Okay, I’ll get my keys, and we can go.” He replied, letting go and moving towards the kitchen door.

  
“er… Cas…. “  
He turned to find Dean looking hesitant.  
“Yes?”  
“Can I Drive?”  
“Do you know your way into town?”  
“Yeah kind of; you could direct me if I start to get lost.”  
“Okay, you drive.” Castiel smiled and left the kitchen, finding his keys on the coffee table.

 

 

  
After 30 minutes and getting lost twice on the way to town, they pulled up beside a small quaint bookstore. Dean stepped out, stretching and glancing up and down the street.  
The town was small, and there were just a few stores that looked interesting enough to go into. He turned as he heard the other car door shut and Cas began to make his way to him, glancing up and down the street, squinting in the sunlight.

  
“So where should we start?” He asked as Castiel stood to study a couple who were standing looking in a store window before answering.

  
“We should start down there, and make our way back up. The small diner is up that way.” He turned away from the couple and stepped onto the footpath so he followed him, turning back to look at the couple that Cas seemed so interested in, seeing nothing obviously wrong with them. He turned back and began walking in the direction they were heading.

  
It wasn’t long before he spotted an old record shop and went inside to browse the collection. It wasn’t very big, there were several stands in the middle of the room and shelves around the walls of the store, so he began to sift through the records that started with the letter “A”.

  
“Dean, I’ll be back in a minute. I need to get something out of the car.”

  
By the time he turned to look at Cas, the man was already opening the door and stepping outside, he watched as he quickly walked past the store window and out of sight.  
He shrugged and turned back to the Records.

  
There wasn’t really thing that interested him so he moved on to the next stand, then the next… and then the next. He glanced back to the window. Cas had been gone for a while, the car wasn’t that far away, he put down the record he was holding and left the store; glancing up and down the street. There was no sign of Castiel.

  
“Cas?” he still couldn’t see him so he began to walk back to the car as he saw Cas coming out of a side street quickly and then turned, noticing him walking towards him, looking ruffled and slightly concerned.  
Cas is there anything wrong?”

“Umm, No, I thought I heard someone scream… it turned out to be two cats fighting. “

  
“How do you confuse two cats fighting for someone screaming?”

  
“I don’t know, I guess it sounded different from inside the car. Did you find anything you liked?”

  
He shook his head, “No, there wasn’t much there.” He said disappointedly.

  
“You mentioned getting something for Sam, we could try the bookstore?”

He nodded, “Yeah we’ll probably find something for the little nerd in there.” He smiled, and they stepped into the bookstore.

  
They walked around the bookstore for a while, he was feeling frustrated, having found nothing that he thought his brother would like.  
After another 10 minutes of scanning the shelves and losing Cas several isles back, he decided to locate the owner or assistant… someone who might be able to help…  
“Hi, do you have a section of like… you know… nerdy stuff like mythology, history or maybe even books on the law?”

  
“Sure, follow me.” the assistant smiled and gestured for him to follow her down, he walked slowly behind her, glancing down the aisles, finding Castiel looking thoughtful while reading a novel that he couldn’t’ quite make out, he turned back and continued following the assistant.

  
“You’re not from around here are you?”

  
“Er, no, we’re just visiting.”

  
“Where are you from?”

  
“Kansas” he replied as the assistant slowed down and turned right into the middle of two isles.  
“I’ve never been there. This is the books we have on Mythology if you want History it’s that aisle.” She pointed to the aisle on the other side of the room. “And the educational books are just over at the back there.” She waved her hand in the general direction at the back of the store.

  
“Thanks.” He replied as she turned and walked back towards the front counter. Well so much for friendly customer service he thought as he glared at her retreating back.

  
He scanned the shelves and found several books; “Tales of Ancient Egypt by Roger Lancelyn Green” and “Gods, Heroes and Men of Ancient Greece by W. H. D. Rouse”. He wasn’t sure about the second one but then, if Sam didn’t like it, he would probably give it to Bobby, he shrugged his shoulders and continued to scan the books, he picked up one about Scotland but chose not to take it, Loch Ness monster… really? Who would believe it was real? He heard someone stop behind him and glanced over his shoulder to see Cas casually scanning the shelves.

  
“Hey, Cas.” He greeted quietly.  
“Did you find anything here for Sam? “  
“Yeah I got these two, I think Sam will like them. “  
“Alright, we’ll get these and then go to the diner, if you’re finished.”  
“Yeah, sounds good.”

  
Dean made his way to the checkout and paid for the two books and waited patiently while the girl behind the counter placed them in a brown paper bag, he smiled politely and waited for Castiel to purchase the book he had brought.  
He reached the door and stepped aside for Cas to leave the store and then followed him down the street, back the way they had come until they reached a small diner.

  
The diner was almost empty; a few men sat at tables with road maps or newspapers in front of them; music playing quietly on the radio behind the woman who wiped down the counter. Castiel walked directly to a corner booth so he followed behind him, glancing around the diner as he did. It was an old-fashioned looking diner, something he’d expect to see in the 1950’s, like in the movies.

  
The floor and walls were decorated with black and white checker tiles, the booths were red, and a jukebox stood on the other end of the diner a sign on it with large red bold letters that read “Out of Order” on it.  
He smiled, the feel of the place was friendly, and it made him feel like he had stepped back in time. He slid into the booth seat opposite Cas and picked up the menu and scanned the options for a moment, before catching Castiel watching him, not bothering to pick up his own menu.

  
“Cas? Aren’t you going to look at the menu?”  
“No, I thought I’d have whatever you’re having. “  
“Oh, Okay.” He looked around to find a small petite girl walking towards them, smiling as she pulled her pen out from behind her ear and raising her notepad.  
“Hey there, what can I get ya?”  
“Hi, Can we get two cheese hamburgers, French fries and a side order of bacon?”  
“Sure thing hon. Anything to drink?”  
“Two cups of coffee please.”  
“Sure, any milk or sugar?”  
“No thank you.”  
“Okay, coming right up.” The waitress smiled, chewing on the end of her pen. Dean nodded, smiling and turned back towards Castiel, who was watching the waitress, eyes almost slits. Was he jealous? He couldn’t help grinning as he gained his attention by using his foot to tap at Castiel’s ankle.

  
Castiel immediately looked at him, and then looked down before looking back at the waitress.  
“Thank you, that’s all we need,” Castiel said firmly, the waitress suddenly turned as if it was the first time she had noticed Castiel was sitting there.

  
She glanced back towards Dean and then back to Castiel, her eyes widened slightly as she turned back to Dean. Dean smirked and shrugged his shoulders slightly, and the girl blushed and walked away quickly.  
Dean laughed as he turned back to look at Cas.

  
“Geez Cas, were you jealous of that girl?”  
“I…. no… I wasn’t jealous. I just didn’t like how she was looking at you.” Castiel said in defence.  
Dean grinned and reached over to take Castiel’s hand, patting it gently. “Don’t worry, she isn’t my type.”  
“Oh, what is your type then?” Castiel asked curiously, head tilted slightly.

  
Dean could feel the heat beginning to rise in his cheeks, he didn’t know why; it’s not like they were meeting for the first time. This was their first date, though; even if it wasn't formally called a date.  
He put on his best flirting voice and winked. “I don’t know really, someone with blue eyes that could rival the depths of the ocean, dark almost black hair…” He felt the heat leaving his cheeks as he fell into his old flirtatious persona and continued, “someone who wears a trench coat and looks good in blue sweaters. Do you know of anyone like that?  
Castiel smiled and looked at the wall behind him; his own cheeks reddening slightly. “This is a nice diner.” He said, changing the subject.  
He looked at him and nodded, “Yeah I like the 50’s feel of it,”

  
He glanced around at the other booths; it was now empty, and so he reached over and took Castiel’s hand in his, Castiel looked over startled by the move, and he couldn’t do anything but grinned in a goofy way. After a few seconds, Castiel smiled back and relaxed his hand in his; Dean began stroking Castiel’s hand with his thumb, noticing for the first time that they were really soft. His own hands had calluses from working in the garage and a few cuts littering his knuckles from when he replaced various car parts and snagged them across the metal of the frame.  
“Is this okay?” he asked.

  
Cas reached his other hand over, placing it on top of his own and smiled.  
They remained like that until Dean saw the waitress coming back with two plates in her hand, and so he reluctantly pulled his hand away; already feeling the loss of the warmth that was created with being cocooned between Castiel’s hands.  
The waitress must have seen the movement because she smiled knowingly and then placed both their meals in front of them and said she would be back with their drinks.  
Castiel watched the waitress until she disappeared into the back and then turned back to Dean; smiling as he watched him pick up the burger. Dean opened his mouth wide, and when he noticed Castiel watching him, he paused, mouth still open and then raised one eyebrow, pulling back from the burger.

  
“Aren’t you going to start eating?” he asked curiously.

  
Castiel looked down at his own plate and picked up a fry, studying it for a moment before putting it into his mouth and chewed quickly.  
Dean took a bite of his burger and then moaned appreciatively; the burger was good, not as tasty as Gabriels, but it was still really good.

  
“You gotta try the burger.” He tried to encourage him around a mouthful of food. Castiel glanced down at the burger and pulled a face. “I am not that hungry.” He said quietly, Dean paused for a moment before taking another bite.  
“Are you on some health kick or something?” He enquired, half playfully, half concerned.

“No-No I just, like I said, don’t eat much.” Castiel stammered a little before he pushed the plate forward towards Dean. “Do you want it?”  He asked; encouragingly.  
Dean stared at the burger and then glanced at his own plate, which was filled with fries and the bacon on the side and shrugged. “If you don’t want it. Sure, why not.” He smiled sheepishly. “I probably should start eating healthy like Sam before I grow a pot belly.”

  
Castiel smiled at him fondly, “No; you look good the way you are.”  
Dean could feel his face flush a little but recovered quickly. “Thanks.” He said, smiling.  
It felt awkward, being in public, in a diner where it was just the two of them. He was so used to other people being around unless they were in the car or bedroom, and then they usually did very little talking in the bedroom.  
He realised; they had so many firsts still ahead of them, would they all be a little awkward?

  
Castiel didn’t say much, he glanced around more, watching out the window; as if scanning the streets, expecting something to happen.  
He pressed his ankle lightly against Castiel’s to gain his attention when Castiel seemed to be in deep thought; which appeared to have worked because his eyes came back to focus and looked at him.  
“Are you alright? You seem concerned; like you expect something to happen?” he asked as he finished chewing a fry.  
“Yes, I’m fine. I’m thinking of Samandriel. I’m sorry. Were you saying something?”

  
“No, I just wondered if everything was okay, you know; we can go back tonight if you’re worried about your brother.”  
Castiel sat up straight and put his full attention on to him and shook his head. “No, I want to stay. Gabriel will call if something changes.” Castiel said reassuringly.  
Dean finished the fries and stuffed the bacon into his mouth. He pushed his plate away from him; he felt like he was about to explode; he wasn’t sure if he could even swallow the bacon, but he chewed and chewed until he felt it was safe to swallow it and then leant back; satisfied.

  
He looked over to the other plate and groaned; there was no way that he would be able to finish it.

He grinned at Castiel and reached over and took his hand again, turning his hand over so his palm was facing up, and he began tracing lines on it. Castiel’s hand twitched, and he glanced up to find Castiel smiling.  
“That tickles,” Castiel said as he watched Dean’s finger move across his palm. “It feels nice, though.”

  
Dean smiled at that, and so continued to draw the infinity symbol in his palm for a while, as Castiel's eyes followed the movements.  
He eventually sighed and stopped, looking up into blue eyes.

  
“Why are we finding it hard to hold a conversation?”  
This seemed to take Castiel off guard, and he seemed lost for words for a moment.

“Is it?” Castiel finally asked.  
“Yeah, we haven’t said much to each other since we’ve been here.”  
Castiel seemed to be retracing their time since coming into the diner and then looked back at him.  
“You’re right; I don’t know. It’s just been nice sitting here with you; I didn’t feel that we needed to talk much.”   
It was true; it was nice; it was a companionable silence, but it still felt awkward.

  
“What do you want to talk about?” Castiel asked him suddenly.  
“Oh, um, well…” he looked at Castiel a little wearily; he wanted to ask more about his life, but Cas never seemed willing to talk much about it, but there was something. He had said months before that he had been thinking more about and becoming increasingly curious. He chewed on his lower lip for a moment while he debated about asking. If he asked, Castiel did have a choice to talk about it or not, he wouldn’t push him if he didn’t want to.

“A while ago, when I was, uh, in the bathroom and you and Gabriel… came in. You said something about regretting things and blaming yourself. What was it that you did that you regret?”

Castiel didn’t seem to expect that question and for a moment. He froze and subtly pulled his hand from Dean’s and then placed it in his own lap. He began to regret ever asking.

“You don’t have to tell me, I was just curious; that’s all.” He tried to reassure him; smiling gently.

Castiel looked out the window for a moment before he turned back, his eyes were filled with regret and sadness; he sighed.

“Many years ago, I tried to help someone, and it turned out... I made things worse for them.  If I had just kept away and not done something that I shouldn’t. Their lives would be much different.”

He watched as Castiel pressed his lips together into a thin line and wished he hadn’t brought it up; Castiel appeared to have wounds also; he realised too late; things he probably tried to forget.

“Cas, it can’t have been that terrible… right?” he tried to reassure him; not believing it could be that bad that someone could have lost a life or anything so whatever it was, surely it was something minor.  
Castiel’s voice was quieter, almost a whisper, “Worse.”

  
He reached over and gently tugged at Castiel’s sleeve, encouraging him to bring his hand back up to the table, when Castiel complied; he held it and waited until Castiel looked at him again.

Once he did, he locked eyes with him. “Cas, I doubt there’s anything you could do that would turn someone’s life so terrible.  I mean, it probably would have happened anyways… right?” he really had no idea what he was saying, but he had to try to comfort him somehow; he just didn’t know how to.

Something altered in his eyes; like a realisation of something, and then he looked down at the bill on the table and gave a small smile.  
“Maybe…” he said in a quiet voice.

Dean licked his lips; he really wanted to make him happy again; he felt guilty that he reminded Cas of something he seemed like he wanted to forget.

“Look, I don’t know what happened, but from being here with you, and knowing how much you have helped Sam and me; hell you’ve changed me in ways I could never ever thank you for… you help people; you save people Cas." He paused for a moment and sighed. 

"Sometimes things happen for a reason, sometimes we help people and sure; it turns out to be the wrong thing, but you have to let it go; you’re a really good person. You’re kind, generous, compassionate, loving, gentle...” Dean trailed off when he could see that nothing he was saying was working.

He glanced at the bill and picked it up, then suddenly getting up; Castiel’s head snapped up, and he smiled reassuringly at him. “I’m just going to pay this, and we’re going back to the cabin.” He stated firmly.  
Castiel nodded and slid out of the booth. “I can pay for it, Dean.” He said as he stood beside him.

  
“No, I’m paying for it. You brought us out here and paid for the beers the other night. It’s my turn.” He said and walked to the register.

The girl smiled and took the money, and thanked him for the tip; he waved her off and walked towards the door and then waited for Castiel, who seemed to be lost in his own thoughts.

They stepped out onto the deserted street, and Dean reached down and took hold of Castiel’s hand, then leant down and kissed him gently on the cheek.  
That seemed to have brightened the other man slightly; he smiled, and they started their walk back to the car at a slow pace; holding hands, looking at the store windows as they made their way back; talking about nothing important.

Dean managed to get them back to the cabin without getting lost; the sun was setting, and it looked like it was going to rain. Dean took the keys from Cas and opened the front door, and stepped to the fireplace, throwing some logs onto it and took the matches that rested on the mantelpiece and struck one, lighting some paper and putting it beneath the dry logs. The fire took some time to roar to life. When he was satisfied with it, he stood up and turned around to find the door still open, Castiel hadn’t come inside, and so he went out to look for him.

For a moment, he couldn’t see him, and he felt a bit anxious, had he done the right thing asking? Maybe he wanted time alone. He turned making his way back inside,  but out of the corner of his peripheral vision, he saw movement near some trees; he squinted trying to focus on what it was, then gradually made out the shape of Castiel as he slowly walked back towards him, mobile to his ear.

He must have been talking to Gabriel about their brother. So he decided to go back inside to give Cas some privacy. He toed off his shoes and sat on the sofa, hands outstretched towards the fire and waited patiently until Cas came in, mobile no longer in his hand.  
He turned to him when he heard him step through the door, “Is everything okay at home?” he enquired.

Castiel nodded, smiling slightly. “Yes, Samandriel has come around a bit today; he seems more coherent from what Gabriel said.” Castiel looked relieved with that, and his eyes were brighter than they were before. The phone call must have taken his mind off his question.  
 “That’s good. I’m glad he’s getting better.” He smiled and then patted the cushion next to him, gesturing for Castiel to sit. Castiel took his coat off and hung it on the hook next to the front door, and Dean couldn’t help admire the form-fitting jeans and the expanse of skin that was exposed as Cas reached up to the hook. He was caught watching him when Castiel turned his head to him, and he coughed, grinned and turned back around, staring at the fire, still smiling. Castiel quickly, but quietly reached him and sat down on the sofa; leaning back and pulling Dean with him, so he rested on his shoulder.

  
Dean turned slightly and rested his head against Castiel’s chest; listening to the gentle, rhythmic beat of his heart.  Castiel raised his hand and began running his fingers gently through Dean’s hair, and his eyes fluttered closed. This was one of his new favourite past times. It soothed him in ways he didn’t think were possible; his mind quiet and muscles relaxed. It was close to heavenly.

He felt himself drift into a light slumber; eyes opening every now and then when Cas moved his other hand, but they stayed quiet; enjoying their ability to sit on a sofa, close to each other; the cabin quiet; except for the soothing sound of crackling kindle wood. He drifted to sleep until he was woken by a loud clap of thunder overhead, and he jumped up with a start. Castiel chuckled, and it took him some time to realise it was heavily raining outside.  He relaxed back against Castiel’s chest and drew circles on the fabric, his fingers lowering steadily down until he reached the hem of Castiel’s sweater; he snaked his fingers underneath and then ran his fingers gently across the warm, smooth flesh beneath.  He felt lips press against his forehead, and he looked up, staring into the blue eyes before slowly stretching up to kiss him, Castiel cupped Dean’s cheek, and they deepened the kiss, keeping it slow and measured.

The room was filled with little sighs of content. He pulled back to breathe and then turned to the rug on the floor in front of the fire. He got up and reached his hands out to Castiel, who placed his hands in his. Dean gently tugged to indicate he should stand. Castiel complied, and he pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around him and kissed him, sighing with each gentle swipe of Castiel's tongue, he dropped his hands to the hem of Castiel’s sweater and ran his them under it; feeling the muscles in his back roll as Castiel moved closer. The kiss heated; still slow, but something came to life and Dean tugged on the sweater and Castiel let him take it off. He groaned when he found another layer restricting him, and so he began to push each button of the shirt through each hole; feeling Castiel shudder as the cooler air brushed across his now exposed arms. 

They pulled back; foreheads still touching. “Should we go to the bedroom?” Castiel asked in a husky whisper.

“No, here.” He whispered in reply and locked eyes with Castiel when he finished unbuttoning the shirt and throwing it onto the sofa, going back to lift the hem of his undershirt and raised it gently over Castiel’s head and kissed him again before pulling off his own three layers of tops. He then settled himself on the rug; the warmth from the fire reaching his skin causing the goose bumps that were beginning to rise to stop. He looked up to Castiel; smiling. “C'mere.” He beckoned quietly; Castiel did as he was ordered and settled down beside Dean.

Dean leant in and began to kiss him, pushing Castiel gently as he did, adjusting himself, so he was hovering above him.  Castiel’s fingers ran through his hair, and he let out a little shiver, and ran his own fingers through his hair and pulled back for air, looking down into the now darkened eyes of his boyfriend.

He looked at him like he was seeing him for the first time, he looked vulnerable, trusting; his lips reddened from their kisses. He slid to the side and began drawing circles across Castiel’s chest until he reached his nipple and pinched gently, Castiel inhaled quickly but smiled, and he leant down to kiss him again, slowly, deeply, he didn’t want to rush anything, not tonight. It was their last night there, and he wanted them to take their time. So they lay kissing and exploring each other’s bodies for a while. Dean rose slowly so he hovered above him again; putting his one thigh between his legs, encouraging him to part them, and then began kissing down his jaw, neck, chest until he reached his stomach; peppering light kisses across it as he began gently undoing the button and zip of his jeans; taking his time as he went.  He glanced up to find darkened eyes watching him, glazed, and he smiled as he hooked his fingers into the waist of his Jeans.

  
Castiel lifted his hips as Dean pulled both his jeans and underwear down past his hips and thighs, and he paused for a moment brush his fingers against Castiel’s erection, which earned him a gasp and then a moan.

He sat back on his heels and pulled the jeans off, throwing them to join the pile of tops on the sofa. He turned back and just stared down at the man beneath him, bathed in the glow of the fire; his skin made golden, and muscles sculptured as he quickly unzipped his own jeans and took them off, tossing them to join the others on the sofa.

He slowly crawled up so their lips met again, kissing him deeply, enjoying the throaty groans he was receiving, his hand caressing his thighs. He felt himself become incredibly hard and moaned out of frustration because he wanted to take his time, but his body had other ideas.

He trailed down Castiel’s jaw and neck, nipping and sucking at the pulse point before moving on to his collarbone, making it painfully slow. Castiel said nothing, didn’t rush him. Instead, he smoothed his hand against Dean’s body, fingers through his hair, his own exploration.  
Dean shivered with pleasure as Castiel’s fingers traced over his nipples, they were sensitive; always had been and if touched the right way shot pleasure through his body, and Castiel seemed to have noticed this and was using it to his advantage. He gradually moved down to Castiel’s hip bone, kissing, nipping and giving little licks and making his way to the other side; enjoying the twitches of the man beneath him until he reached his thighs; he peppered kisses on both sides then licked a stripe up the underside of Castiel’s erection.

Castiel suddenly twitched, gasped and moaned out in shock and pleasure, and he smiled to himself before taking the head into his mouth, swirling his tongue around the sensitive part of his head. Castiel’s hands flew instantly to his head; his fingers running through his hair, and he hummed his appreciation, earning him another moan from Castiel.

  
He readied himself to take him deeper; so he wouldn’t gag and then suddenly sank down, bobbing his head, swirling with his tongue and using his hand to twist lightly. Castiel’s hands gripped Dean’s hair a little tightly, which stung a little; however, it spurred him on, his own erection becoming impatient for attention.

He hesitated for a few moments, but then pulled off with a pop so he could cover his fingers with saliva; one at a time until he had three covered. He returned his attention back to peppering kisses against his thigh, before resuming sucking gently on the underside of his erection as his fingers travelled cautiously down to the ring of muscles. He glanced up to watch Castiel, looking for any sign that he should stop, but Castiel just watched him, lips parted, eye's dark and face flushed with desire, so he pressed in gently while he continued to observe his reaction; to know if he should stop. 

As he pushed a little further and still no sign that he should stop, he felt satisfied that Castiel was fine and resumed kissing the underside of his erection while he continued pressing his finger gently passed his second knuckle. He pulled back slightly and twisted; pausing briefly as he waited for the muscles to relax and carefully pushed another finger in. He took his time; he didn't want to hurt him until Castiel whispered his name to catch his attention.

 He looked up, and Castiel nodded; he paused for a long moment, withdrawing his fingers and slowly kissed his way back to Castiel’s lips, sucking and nipping on his lower lip before he kissed him once again deeply. He aligned his body between Castiel's legs and then with one hand guided his now over sensitive, throbbing erection into position. He pushed in very carefully and suddenly sucking in air when he felt the hot silky tightness wrap around him. It had been a long time since he had felt anything close to it, and so he had to hold himself in place so he wouldn’t cum right there and then.

He stared into Castiel’s eyes, as he pushed in bit by bit, searching for any sign of pain, but Castiel either didn’t feel any, or he was hiding it well. Once he bottomed out. He leant down and kissed Castiel more heated than before, delving his tongue deep, exploring every crevice as he began slowly rotating his hips, earning several moans and gasps from Castiel; his eyes were half-lidded; his eyes were dark and glazed; his cheeks flushed and mouth red from the kisses. He looked wanton and needy.

He could feel his orgasm begin to build; however, he didn’t want it to finish that quickly and so, he slowed his movements to a stop and lifted himself onto his hands. He dipped down to kiss Castiel with every deep, measured thrust into him,  pulling back again before repeating the movements and the kisses with each slow thrust. 

 He angled himself, supporting his body with his hands beside Castiel's waist and snapped his hips sharply; Castiel gasped and moaned out; throwing his head backwards, exposing his neck, so Dean leant closer and began to lick and suck at the exposed flesh, earning himself an array of moans. He pulled back again as he lifted his head to watch Castiel expressions then snapped his hips forward once again; catching the moans with his mouth as his lips crashed down onto Castiel's; kissing him with everything he had in him. He slowly increased the speed until they were both panting, and pulling away to breathe, both sweaty and hot. He reached between them as he felt the build of his impending orgasm and made a tight fist around Castiel’s erection, pumping him at the same speed, until there was no rhythm to the movements, hips jutting. White flashed in front of him, and he came hard, just as Castiel moaned out loudly, he continued to pump Castiel, riding them both through their orgasms and then slumped down; muscle tired.

They lay quiet for some time, Dean slowly moving, so he was lying on his side, pressed against Castiel’s side, an arm wrapped around him. Castiel was the first to speak. “That was quite pleasurable.” He said, almost in awe, and Dean could do nothing but chuckle.

“Yeah, it was.” He said as he leant up to kiss him.    
The rain still pouring down outside, and they lay quietly listening to it. It was a nice silence; one where neither of them wanted to talk, just be there, feeling the others heat and that’ was where Dean fell to sleep, wrapped in the arms of his boyfriend, satisfied and content. 

 

 


	24. Happy Birthday Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I haven't got real internet at the moment so i had to finish this chapter on mobile. Its the first time i have posted a chapter from my mobile so im not sure how this will format. I am praying it works out the same way it does from desktop. If not I apologize and will try and fix it some how over the next few days. ♡ <3

** January 24th, 2000 **

He woke to the sound of movement in the kitchen; a pillow was now beneath his head and a warm knitted blanket covered him. He closed his eyes for a few more minutes and listened to the fire crackle.

He smiled to himself; the weekend away was over; they were going home. He couldn’t wait to see his brother; even though a part of him wished he could remain there; secluded in the woods with Castiel forever.

He heard footsteps coming from the kitchen and then a gorgeous face and messy dark hair came into his view.

“Good morning Dean.” Castiel smiled and moved to place the tray on the coffee table nearby, then leaned down and kissed him. “Happy birthday.” He added, kissing him again.

Dean’s smile widened, he had forgotten what day it was. He looked Castiel up and down; he was wearing his shirt and his belly heated at the sight of him wearing it; it was a little big on him around the chest but not by much. They were almost the same size. “You look good in my shirt.” He said still appraising the other man.

Castiel grinned sheepishly, “It was the first one I found.”

“C’mere,” Dean ordered and pulled back the blanket, and Castiel complied immediately, sliding in beside him. Dean turned onto his side to face Castiel, and they both stared at each other, nose to nose. Castiel snaked his arm behind Dean’s neck, and Dean rested his arm over Castiel’s waist.

“So what should we do for our last couple of hours here?” he asked, feeling the familiar heat in his stomach.

Castiel’s pupils slowly grew larger, and he leaned in to kiss Dean softly while pushing him onto his back and then deepened the kiss. Dean moaned and ran his fingers through Castiel’s hair.

Dean pulled back and chuckled, “So far this birthday has been the best one I’ve ever had,” he leaned forward again to continue kissing Castiel.  The room filled with moans and gasps and the food on the tray all but forgot while it continued to rain outside, the wind picking up, making the windows rattle slightly.

Castiel fell against Dean’s side, and he took hold of his hand and kissed it.

“That was also probably the best birthday present I’ve received too.” Dean panted out, laughing.

Castiel chuckled, “unfortunately your breakfast and coffee are now cold.” He stated softly.

Dean smiled. “It was worth it.” He closed his eyes and slipped back into a light sleep, waking again as he felt a cold wind hit his skin. His eyes shot open and sat up looking towards the door, Castiel stepped back in and looked over at him.  
“I thought I would let you sleep and pack our things into the car.” He explained.

He felt his heart sink a little at the realization that they were going back. It felt too soon but he turned to the clock, and it was twelve thirty.

He sighed and then stretched, looking around on the sofa for his clothes; which were now gone. He looked to Cas who leaned down behind the back of the sofa and then placed clean clothes in front of him.

  
“I thought you’d need clean clothes, so I left these out.”

He looked at the clothes Cas had picked for him; A pair of jeans, boxers, a green shirt and his blue jacket.  He smiled up and thanked him and then eased himself off the floor, finding his body a little stiff. “The floor isn’t that comfortable to sleep on.” He grumbled as he rolled his shoulders and twisted to loosen his back. Castiel chuckled and moved back to the bedroom, returning again with a suitcase.

He made his way into the bathroom and stepped into the shower and closed his eyes; enjoying the warm water running down his back. He was happy about going home for the shower; he couldn’t wait to step under the hot spray that left the mirror steamed up and his skin hot and glowing red.   He stepped back out, dried quickly and slowly pulled on his clothes; his back still aching slightly.

When he stepped out of the bathroom he found the living room tidied up, the wool blanket back on the back of the sofa and coffee table straightened up with a plate that held a sandwich on it; along with a mug of steaming coffee.

He made his way to the sofa, picked up the cup and eased himself down onto the couch; inhaling the smell of the coffee before taking a few cautious sips.

Castiel shut the front door and joined him on the sofa.  “Everything is packed up, and the cabin is clean.” He stated and then turned to look at Dean properly.

“Have you enjoyed the weekend?” he inquired.

 “Yeah this weekend has been amazing; we should do this more often.” He suggested.

Castiel's smile widened, and his eyes lit up, seeming very pleased with himself, which caused Dean’s smile to widen. He liked seeing Castiel happy, the day before; their “little hiccup” all but forgotten. He was still curious about what happened, but he wasn’t going to probe him for more information. Cas had always been very mindful when pushing him for answers, allowing him to go to him when he felt he could, and so he would do the same for Cas; give him time, and if he ever felt like he wanted to talk to him about it. He would be there; nonjudgmental and ready to comfort him.

He knocked back the coffee and picked up the sandwich, he would eat it on the ride back, the cabin didn’t feel quite right now that it was empty of their belongings and the fireplace was left dark and cold. He looked down into curious eyes.

“Shall we go?” he asked before taking a large bite out of the cheese sandwich,

Castiel nodded and stood up, and gestured towards the door, he led their way out of the cabin, stopping once to glanced one last time before sliding into the passenger side of the car and waited for Cas to slide into the driver’s side.

“Cas?’” he swallowed the remainder of the sandwich and looked over to Castiel and waited for him to answer.

“Yes?” Cas asked while he turned his key in the ignition.

“Thank you, “

Castiel nodded, smiled then put the car into gear and pulled away from the cabin, he watched it disappear behind them as they weaved down the gravel path that would lead them to the main road.

Castiel turned on the radio and pushed in a cassette and he smiled when he heard the familiar music coming from the speakers.

The first part of the journey back was quiet, the music was playing softly in the background, their hands interlaced, and he leaned back with his eyes closed. It was still raining outside, which made the journey back to the garage longer than they had expected but not long enough.

Castiel pulled into the parking lot and stopped behind Dean’s car. He sighed; he didn’t want to get out. It was still raining outside, and he didn’t want to drive home in the car on his own. He reluctantly leaned over and gave Cas a quick kiss on the cheek and opened the door, might as well get it over and done with.  

“I’ll follow you home.” He said as he pulled the collar of his jacket higher to stop the rain hitting the back of his neck.

“Alright,” Castiel replied with a smile.

He shut the door and ran to his car; getting inside as quickly as he could, then waited for Castiel to reverse back out before he began to move out of the small parking lot.

As he pulled up in front of the house, he looked around the front garden and windows. It had been a long time since he felt like he was home and now, being in front of this place, it felt like he finally was home, really home.

He unfastened his seatbelt and smiled. He couldn’t wait to get inside. He missed Gabriel's cooking, Sam’s bitch faces and to his surprise, he missed Balthazar's dry sense of humour. He jumped when he heard the knock on his window, he glanced behind him and found Castiel looking concerned. He chuckled and opened his door.

“Well, I guess we’re home.” He said a little sadly, already missing their time alone.

They walked up the path to the front door, and he entered the mansion first, finding himself knocked back as Sam barreled into him, wrapping his arms around him with shouts of happy birthday.

Bobby, Gabriel, and Balthazar stood at the kitchen arched walkway, watching with smiles spread across their features. Gabriel’s eyebrows raised.

“Now why don’t I ever get a welcome like that Cassie?” he heard Gabriel chiding Castiel as he turned his attention back to Sam.

“What’s up with you?” he asked the younger Winchester.

Sam looked up and smiled shyly.” I’m just glad you’re home.”

Sam then let go and stepped back, his cheeks flushing slightly.  He raised his eyebrow curiously but said nothing else to his little brother.

He glanced towards the kitchen and found John standing behind Bobby and Gabriel; he hadn’t noticed him before.

“Hey, Dad.” He murmured, turning back to look at Castiel before looking back at his father.

John stepped between Bobby and Gabriel and made his way down the hall as Dean stepped forward, both meeting in the middle.

“Hi, Son. “ John smiled wearily before continuing, “Happy Birthday.” He placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder, looking proudly at him.

“You know, it feels like just yesterday that you were sitting on my knee while I read you a bedtime story…” John trailed off and looked down as he reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a piece of paper.

He held it between his hands for a moment, turning it around. Dean glanced down curiously and then back up to his father.

“Can we talk?”  John asked quietly, he looked over at Sam and then back to Dean.

 “Is everything alright?” Dean asked him; feeling anxious now.

“Yes, everything is fine,” John replied but said nothing else.

Castiel, Gabriel, and Bobby moved into the kitchen. “Okay.” Dean agreed as he watched the three men disappear from the archway. He looked towards the formal living room and gestured for Sam and John to enter first.

Dean and Sam sat down on the sofa when John stepped over to the single chair and sat down.

“I wanted to come and let you boys know that I have sold the house.” John paused for a second and looked at the fireplace; Dean could tell that their father was trying to hide his emotions and something gripped tight around his heart.  He had rarely seen his father emotional. There were only a couple of times since their mother had died that he had seen John close to tears and both times John had turned to the bottle.

“Dad…..” He leaned forward and reached over to place his hand on the top of his father’s one. John inhaled and then exhaled and turned back.

“Dean, I’m fine,” John said, regaining some of his control.

“Are you boys sure that you want to stay here?” He asked, his expression seeming defeated as if he already knew the answer.

Dean looked over at Sam, who stared at their father, his expression seemed conflicted between anger and sadness, and he then looked at his dad and shook his head slightly.

“We’re sure; we have a life here dad. I wish you would stay too.”

“I can’t,” John whispered and then cleared his throat.

“I, um, I opened a bank account for you boys, I have put some money in there for both of you, in case you need it….” John trailed off, still fiddling with the piece of paper in his hand.

Dean felt a lump in his throat, and it felt hard to swallow, seeing his father like this caused something to squeeze hard around his heart. He wanted to tell him that he changed his mind that he would come but, he knew that where his father was going wasn’t right for him or Sam.  He had a brother that he and Sam didn’t know, a son created while their mother was still alive. He knew he couldn’t look at him right now and be okay with that; he didn’t want to meet the woman either. 

He understood that his father was allowed to move on and be happy, he just wasn’t ready, not yet, he also had Castiel here, he had a stable job that he loved, and Sam had friends, he was doing well at the school, and Sam also wasn’t ready to meet their brother either.

He nodded slowly, feeling the sting at the back of his eyes and looked away for a moment to compose himself, and then turned back to John.

John cleared his throat and stretched out his hand; the one with the paper still held between his fingers.

Dean reached over to take the paper, and as John began to speak again, he slowly unfolded it.

“I didn’t know what to buy you for your birthday…..” he trailed off again as Deans eyes widened at the figures printed on the check he now held in his hand.

“Dad… “He whispered, “I can’t accept this.” He said trying to hand the check back.

John shook his head. “Yes, you can. I haven’t been a very good father to either of you, and no amount of money can make up for that, but I’m hoping that you will buy something you like with it; maybe even fix the Impala, she’s yours if you want her. “Dean noticed John seeming a little wistful when he mentioned the car. Deans stomach twisted, still not ready to face the car that had a part in killing his mom.

Seeing his father now, the haunting sadness in his eyes, his regrets barely hidden within them, his heart twisted again, and he could now feel the tears beginning to blur his vision.  John stood up, and Dean followed suit and stood up too, wanting so much to beg their father to stay with them, to not leave. He felt like he was abandoning his father, worse than that, it felt like this would be the last time he saw him.

Impulsively Dean stepped forward throwing his arms around his dad and hugged him tightly, hiding the tears that now streamed down his face, trying to wipe them away as he clung to him. He felt Sams arm suddenly around both him and John, and they remained like that for several minutes.  Boys and their father locked in what felt like the final embrace.

Eventually, Sam’s arms loosened and he stepped back, Dean let go too and joined Sam; who was wiping his nose on his sleeve.

John stood in front of them both, glancing from one to the other, “I am so proud of both of you. I wasn’t always there for you, but you’ve both grown into fine young men that any father would be proud of…” John looked away for a moment and then set his shoulders straight.

“I have to go.” He then said, taking his keys out of his pocket and fiddling with them.

“Can’t you stay for dinner, dad?” Sam asked.

John looked up at Sam and gave him a watery apologetic smile and shook his head. “Everything’s packed into the car; I’m heading back to Minnesota tonight. It will take me a few days to get back as I have a couple of things I need to do on the way.”

Sam stepped forward and threw his arms around  John again and hugged him tightly.  John patted Sams back as he glanced over at Dean, their eyes locked for a moment in silent communication, Dean didn’t need John to tell him to watch out for Sam, and so he nodded and then looked away to hide his tears.

Sam stepped back, and John nodded once, smiled and walked past them slowly to make his way out of the house; both boys followed him out to the car, and John turned to Sam. “Sam I think I forgot my wallet, it’s on the kitchen counter… could you go get it for me?” Sam nodded.

“Good boy,” John praised as he turned to walk back inside.

John suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope and slipped it into Dean’s hand. “This is for Sam, don’t give it to him until his birthday, it’s just in case we don’t see each other before then…” again John trailed off his voice filled with regret and visibly swallowed.

Dean at first recoiled from the envelope, looking at his father. “Don’t say that; we will see you. We will make plans to see you before then; Sam’s birthday isn’t for another four months.” He pointed out as his heart dropped.  It felt like his father was going away for good, and they would never see him again.

John continued to hold out the envelope and looked at Dean pleadingly. “Take it please, before he comes back.”

Dean looked at it and then reluctantly took it from his hand and slipped it into his pocket. John pulled a card from his wallet and handed that to him also. “This is the card to the account I set up for you both; it should help you with what you boys need. There’s also money for Sam’s Advanced Placement classes and exams.

He looked up in surprised that John had known about it, neither he nor Sam had mentioned it to him. John smiled. “Bobby brought me up to date. I know I have been pretty damn shitty as a provider to you boys, and I want to put that right from now on, “ he explained.

Dean took the offered card and then suddenly pulled John in for a hug, partly to hide the tears that began to fall.

“Stay safe dad.” He whispered as he heard Sam’s footsteps coming out of the house, he stepped back and wiped his eyes and turned to watch Sam join them.

“It’s not on the counter,” Sam muttered.

John reached his hand into his back jean pocket.

“Oh, it’s here.” John held up his wallet and smiled apologetically. “Well, I have to go. Take care of each other okay? If you need anything, call me.”

Sam and Dean nodded, he couldn’t speak; he didn’t trust himself to say anything. He watched as John turned around and walked to the driver’s side of his car, pausing once more to look at them. Dean wanted to run to him, beg him to stay with them, but he kept his lips tightly pressed together, ignoring the urge.

John lifted his hand in a final wave and then slid into the driver’s seat, Dean looked over at Sam, who was silently crying and so he reached over and put his arm around his shoulder.

The car roared to life, and they both watched as John made his way down the drive and then out of view.

Neither of them moved for a few minutes; Dean wrapped his other arm around Sam as the younger Winchester let out a sob.

“Shhh, it will be alright Sam, we will make plans to see him soon.” he tried to soothe his little brother, rubbing his arm with one hand as he rested his chin on his head. While he tried holding back his own tears; he needed to be strong for Sam.

 

_____________________________________________

 

Meanwhile back in the kitchen Gabriel and Bobby filled Castiel in about Samandriel and how he had been tortured. He was horrified at the lengths the archangels had gone to try and find out where they were hiding the Winchesters.  He was surprised by how much Samandriel had suffered without cracking and telling them everything he knew; although Samandriel was never told where they were staying. Gabriel had kept it at a need to know basis but there was so much he could have told them which would have eventually led them to the house.

“So, what’s the next step?” he asked them; looking from one to the other.

“We keep a low profile for a while; they don’t know where we are so Sam and Dean are safe for now. Samandriel might be here for a while though, he is healing now but it’s going to take some time before he’s fully recovered. Then I will need to find him a safe place to stay so they can’t find him. Now that he’s been here if they capture him again and torture him I don’t think he will remain silent…” Gabriel trailed off, lending weight to the gravity of the situation.

Castiel heard the front door open and then close and looked expectantly to the archway for Sam and Dean to step through.

It wasn’t  long before Sam came through followed by Dean. He looked at them both noticing that Sams' eyes were slightly red and Deans expression was sombre.

“Everything alright?” he asked as he unfolded his arms. Dean smiled slightly and nodded.

“Dad’s gone… He... He came to say goodbye before he left for Minnesota.” Dean smiled; trying to hide his disappointment.

“I’m sorry Dean,” Castiel said gently.

Dean shrugged, “Dad deserves to be happy, it’s just going to take some time for us to wrap our heads around it. We will be fine.”

Castiel nodded in understanding and glanced over at Sam who seemed quieter than usual, barely listening to Gabriel who was trying to make him smile.

Dean cleared his throat and forced a cheerful tone, “Something smells good.” He slid on to the stool and smiled at Gabriel.

Gabriel looked over at Dean and smiled enthusiastically, seeming happy to lighten the mood in the kitchen.

“I’m making a cheesy potato dish.” He stepped over to the oven and opened the door, checking on the contents and then turned back to Dean.

“It will be ready soon.”

Dean looked curiously over to the oven. “Cheese potato?”

“Yeah, it has sliced potatoes layered with cream and onions and then topped with grated cheese. “ Gabriel responded happily, seeming pleased with his choice of dish.

“I have also made some Garlic butter chicken Kiev’s” he added.

Dean looked puzzled. “Are they chicken portions with garlic butter in them and crumbs on the outside?”

Gabriel nodded.

Dean smiled fondly, “Mom use to make them when we were little.”

“Oh? Is that so?” Gabriel asked, one eyebrow raised, but something told Castiel that Gabriel had already known this little bit of information.

Dean nodded and added, “She made an awesome meatloaf too.” While Dean spoke, Sam seemed in his own little world, turning the glass that was in front of him around while he stared into space until Dean noticed and gently nudged him with his elbow.

When Sam turned to look at him, Dean smiled comfortingly at him and Sam forced a small smile before standing up. “I want to clean up before dinner, I will be back soon.” He said then made his way out of the kitchen, Dean watched him as he disappeared out of view, looking a little concerned.

Bobby was the first to speak. “I guess he’s taken it hard with John leaving.” Dean nodded, “I think he’s upset because dad went to live with… Adam and his mother, his taking it hard that dad didn’t spend much time with us growing up, but will be spending time with this other kid.”

Bobby nodded, “He will be alright, that boys always bounced back pretty quickly.”

Dean nodded; looking not at all convinced and turned to Gabriel. “How’s your brother? Cas told me that he was in some trouble?”

“Yeah, he’s okay, it’s going to take a while for him to be himself again but he will be fine.”

“Will he be eating with us?” Dean asked, glancing around the room.

“No, he’s not up to it yet, I will take him something later,” Gabriel replied and then busied himself with the oven. Castiel pushed away from the counter and joined Dean, “Did you want me to take your things to your room?”

Dean shook his head, “No, I can do it.” He said with a smile and stood up, “You’re going to come and help though, yeah?” 

He smiled, “Of course.”  

Dean left the kitchen and he turned back to Gabriel and Bobby, “Do you need any help with anything?” he asked quietly.

“Just keep that boy busy while we take care of everything.” Came the reply from Bobby, and so he nodded and left the kitchen, catching up with Dean as he reached the car.

“Are you sure everything is alright Dean?”

“Everything is fine Cas, it’s not like Dad was around much anyways, him being in Minnesota isn’t any different to him being off on some pub crawl in some other town. It’s just hard to accept that he won’t be coming back eventually.  “

Castiel nodded and reached into the car and pulled out two suitcases and made his way into the house and up the stairs; into Dean’s bedroom. He placed the suitcases on the bed and began to unzip them as Dean came through with a duffle bag.

“You should have let me carry something Cas.” He grumbled as he flopped on to the bed.

“Why? I have two arms and hands; it seemed pointless just carrying one suitcase when I could carry two.”

“True, but it kinda made me feel like a girl.” Dean turned on to his side and rested on his elbow.

Castiel smiled, “I can attest to the fact you’re not a girl.” He began to smirk and Dean rolled his eyes.

“So what are we gonna do tonight now that we’re back? We can’t just snuggle up on the sofa and watch a movie.” Dean sighed, catching his attention.

“Is that what you want to do?” Castiel asked earnestly. “Because we can do that if you want?”

“And what, have the others join us? It would be awkward.”

“How so?”

“Well we haven’t exactly been acting like a…. you know…”

“What?” Castiel asked feeling confused.

Dean cleared his throat and then rolled his eyes, his cheeks reddening slightly. “You know…”

Castiel shook his head, “No, I don’t”

“A couple, we haven’t acted like a couple around them, and I think it would be awkward around Bobby. I mean he’s like my uncle, he’s been around since I was 13, it would feel weird.”

“Well, we could bring a TV up here and watch TV in bed?” Castiel suggested.

Dean’s face lit up, “We can do that?”

Castiel nodded “Of course.”

“Yeah, let’s do that! “ Dean smiled and sat up and moved to the edge of the bed. “Hey you, c’mere.” His smile turning flirty as his hand reached out.

Castiel took the pro-offered hand and sat beside him, Dean leaned in and kissed him eagerly, he responded with slightly more discipline in restraining himself, until of course until Dean pulled away and nipped at his lower lip. His restraint lost, he pushed Dean back onto the bed and pinned him beneath him.

“Oh so kinky,” Dean teased before Castiel cut off any further communication with a long hot kiss.  

 

                                                                                                                                       _________________________

 

Dean stepped out of the shower, his skin glowed from the heat of it and he sighed. Yep, he definitely missed the hot showers; he looked at his reflection in the mirror and smiled.  The shadows beneath his eyes were long since gone, his four-day beard growth was gone and for once he looked like the 21-year old that he was; instead of a middle-aged man that used to stare back at him.

He left the bathroom and pulled out his Jeans and sweatshirt, it was cold in the room and it made his skin come out in Goosebumps, Castiel had left explaining he wanted to check up on his brother before they went down for dinner, so he busied himself picking up the suitcases that had fallen on to the floor with the blankets. He opened the first case which he found was Castiel’s clothing.

He pulled them out and walked over to his drawers and made some room in 2 of them and placed the clothes neatly into them and turned back to the bed and unpacked the rest and then pulled his own case onto the bed and unpacked it.

After he had finished unpacking and the suitcases were sitting beside the drawers he picked up his clothes and placed them into the hamper, remade his bed.  There was a knock on the door and he turned as Sam opened the door wide. “Are you coming down to eat?” Sam asked, seeming happier than he was before.

“Yeah.” He responded and watched as his brother turned to leave. “Sam, wait.” He called after his brother.

Sam stopped and turned back to him.

“Can you come here for a minute?” He asked.

Sam came further into the room and then sat at the foot of his bed.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Sam replied trying to look happier than Dean believed he was.

“Are you sure? How are things with you and Jess now?” He probed a little more.

“We’re great. Except that she’s moving to California soon.”

“Oh… When?” he asked.

“About a month, her parents got an offer on their house and they are just waiting to settle it.”

“And how do you feel about that?”

“I don’t know. It feels like everyone is leaving….Jess… Dad... And someday, you might leave.” Sam looked at his hands,

“Sam, look at me.”

Sam slowly looked up at him. “It won’t be long before you move away for university and you know, there’s Stanford, and you want to go there right? So you won’t be that far from her. And you don’t need to think about me leaving because you’re stuck with me unless you tell me to go away. I am not planning to go anywhere.” Sam tried to interrupt but Dean put up his hand.

“No, just listen… I know things have been changing lately, I know it’s going to take you a minute to sort through them and its okay to be upset about them, but you will be okay… alright? We’ve dealt with worse right? We can take on anything. “

Sam smiled. “You’re right.”

“Of course I am, now c’mon, I’m starving.”

Sam huffed out a laugh; Dean stood up and ruffled his hair causing Sam to growl at him. He chuckled, “you really do need to have a trim, you won’t be able to see if it gets any longer.” He stepped past Sam towards the door. “Come on, before my stomach eats itself.” Sam laughed and caught up with him and they went downstairs together.

Sam ran ahead of him as they reached the bottom step and as he walked through to the kitchen a chorus of happy birthday greeted his ears and he laughed, the room had been decorated with balloons and a large sign hung from the ceiling spelling out “Happy 21st Birthday” in bold colourful font across it. A table was in the centre of the open space which was laid out with plates, glasses and party hats and to the side was a bunch of wrapped gifts, neatly ordered by size.

He thanked everyone and they all sat down, Gabriel busied himself serving the food as everyone put on the party hats, Castiel sat to one side and Sam to the other. He was once again hit with a flood of emotions while he looked around the table at those who were there.  They laughed, drank and somehow along the way, his and Castiel’s chair were pulled closer together and they were holding hands. No one missed a beat and acted like it was weird, and he forgot the awkwardness he thought he would feel.

When it was time to blow out the candles on his very large birthday cake that held what he suspected was 21 candles, he made a wish that he would never lose these newly made bonds with new friends.

He opened his presents clumsily as the effects of the alcohol took hold.  Sam had given him a pendant which he immediately placed around his neck, promising to never take it off, Gabriel had made him blush a little as he found the fluffy handcuffs, lube and blindfold in a small box, he hid the contents from Sam but he suspected that his little brother had seen them because he made a small noise and turned red and looked away. Bobby gave him a bottle of expensive whiskey. The last gift was from Castiel, and it was the one gift that left him emotional in his drunken stupor.

An ornament for the tree; not just any angel, it was in Castiel’s likeness and the plaque inscribed with the words, “I will always watch over you.”  He didn’t know why it affected him so much, maybe because it made him think of his mom and the angel she had given him. He didn’t know but he could barely say thank you, Castiel squeezed his hand and leaned in to whisper to him, “I have the other part of your present upstairs; I will give it to you later.” Which caused him to laugh and whisper back. “Didn’t I get that present this morning and earlier tonight?” Castiel squinted in confusion, and then his eyes widened and he laughed.

“No,” he said simply.

They celebrated into the early hours of the morning and by the time he crawled up to his bedroom he was ready to sleep.  Castiel had helped him to bed and left the room, mumbling something about not being long. He was half asleep as the bedroom door opened again and Castiel joined him, undressed and then handed him a small gift.

He dragged himself up into a sitting position and held the wrapped box in his hands, trying to focus, his head felt light as if it would roll off his shoulders. He fumbled with the wrapping until it was unwrapped and then focused his eyes to stop everything moving so he could lift the top off the box. Inside was a ring.

 It was a thick silver band with some unreadable symbols on it. He took it out and squinted at it... looking carefully and turned to Castiel in question to the engraving.  

“I… I wanted to give you something that was meaningful. I guess you would call it a promise ring?  It’s engraved in Enochian. It translates to a promise to always be here, that I will protect you and care for you for as long as I live. “

Dean stared at Castiel, his mind becoming more focused, the alcohol haze slipping away. He had no words; he opened his mouth and then closed it again, what could he say? It was more than he had ever expected, he didn’t even think he wanted it until now. Castiel watched him cautiously, looking unsure if it was the right thing and he wanted to reassure him but he was undoubtedly speechless.

“Dean, if this is too much, we can just for-“, Castiel reached forward to take the ring but Dean pulled it out of reach and shook his head and finally found his voice.

“No.” was the only words he could utter, and then placed it on to his left-hand middle finger and leaned forward and kissed Castiel softly.

“No.” he whispered against Castiel’s lips and then put the box in the side cupboard. Castiel moved to the light switch and turned off the lights and slipped back into bed, Dean moved so he could rest his head against Castiel’s chest and could feel the ring on his finger and whispered “I love it and I love you,” before he fell to sleep.

 

 

 


	25. Time for a party!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm sorry for the delay, been a hectic month and a half.
> 
> I am not sure the age in US, so I want to add a warning that there's mention of underage sex as it's to do with someone who's 16. (no graphic details)

** January 29th, 2000 **

****

“Sam, you said if I agreed to give you driving lessons that you would at least get your hair trimmed,” Dean complained as they stood outside the barber's shop.

“No, I said I would think about it,” Sam argued back.

“ Fine, if you don’t go in there now and get your damn hair trimmed then you can forget about the lessons.” Dean retorted.

Sam huffed and looked towards the door of the store. “Fine. If they screw it up, I’m blaming you.”

“Okay, I can live with that. Now get in there.” he smiled as he watched Sam opened the door, shoulders slumped like he was going to his death. He chuckled and followed him through and sat down while he waited.

He pulled out his mobile phone and shot off a text message to Castiel.

Dean: Well it took a bit of convincing but he’s finally sitting on one of the chairs. What are you doing?

He waited for the reply, tapping a beat on his knee impatiently, Maybe he should get his hair trimmed while he was there.

His mobile buzzed.

Cas: I’m not doing anything important. 

Dean: So what is this “non-important” thing you’re doing then? Come on; I need to talk to someone while I sit here.

Cas: I’m reading a book.

He read the message and looked puzzled; Cas was very vague, sure he was usually less forthcoming with his plans, but this was more than that.

He fired a text back.

Dean: You sound more mysterious than usual. You got some hot sexy ass there or something?

He chuckled at the last part of the message, not at all seriously thinking that Cas would cheat on him.

He waited for Castiel’s reply.

And waited.

It must have been more than 5 minutes and when there was still no reply he shot off another text, tapping the keys a little quicker than he usually would.

Dean: Hey, Cas?

“Hey, Can I have the money to pay?” He looked up and smiled even though his attention was still on his mobile, waiting for it to vibrate to indicate he had a text back.

“Wow Sam, you look more like a boy now!” he exclaimed; smirking.

Sam rolled his eyes and held out his hand.  He stood up and pulled out his wallet and handed Sam the money and then followed him over to the counter.

“Hey, Could you just give me like a trim or are you too busy?” he asked as Sam handed over the money to the barber.

“Sure, get yourself seated in that chair, and I’ll be over in a minute.” The man pointed to a chair, and Dean nodded and made his way over, sat down and looked at the screen of his mobile again, Castiel still hadn’t replied, and he began to worry, maybe Cas did have someone else with him.

Dean: I guess you’re busy hey? Well, Sam and I will be going for a burger once we are done here and then we will be home after.

He pressed send and then shoved his mobile into his pocket. He looked up and faced himself in the mirror, the black and blue shades under his eyes were once again showing an appearance after two nights of nightmares; they weren’t as bad anymore. However they still made him sleep restlessly, some parts made no sense but before he could work out what the hell was going on the dream would change again and become a jumbled, chaotic mess.  He watched the man come over and then place a cape around him and fastened it at the back and began to dampen his hair.

“So do you have anything planned for this weekend?”  the barber asked.

“No, nothing special, just having a day with my brother;  it has been a while.”

The barber smiled. “ ah, I miss the days that my brother and I would hang out. “

“You don’t see him anymore?” Dean asked curiously

“No, he lives over in Australia with his wife.  I see him every couple of years, talk on the phone now and then. “

“Oh, that’s rough.” Dean offered as a form of sympathy, not knowing what else to say.

“Yeah, but what can you do hey? So, where are you going after?”

“Probably get a burger and then maybe head back home. Not sure what Sam wants to do.” He shrugged and looked over at Sam through the reflection of the mirror; he was sitting down looking at his mobile.

He felt his mobile vibrate in his pocket but didn’t want to pull it out and look when there was a man behind him wielding a sharp pair of scissors close to his ear.

 

After what felt like a long, long time, the barber picked up the brush and brushed the back and side of his neck and took the cape off and picked up a mirror to show Dean the back of his head.

He nodded, smiling as he said Thank you and stood up, stretching and made his way to the counter to pay.

Sam glanced up and seemed relieved when he noticed his brother was finished and joined him at the counter.

He paid the man and added a small tip and left the store, they walked across the road and down a little to a small café and stepped inside. The place seemed busy, but they managed to find a small booth close to the counter and slid onto the benches.

Dean’s stomach grumbled as the smell wafted past him from the kitchen. He picked up the menu and quickly scanned it.

“So do you want burger and fries?” he asked Sam, as he looked around for someone to take their order.

“Yeah, and a glass of orange juice,” Sam replied as he tapped the buttons on his mobile.

“Are you talking to Jess?” he asked when he noticed Sam’s attention was elsewhere.

“Yeah, she’s coming around later.”

Dean suddenly remembered his mobile and pulled it out of his pocket and unlocked the screen and found a message from Castiel.

Castiel: Sorry Dean, I was in the shower.

Dean stared at the screen, shower?  Cas already had a shower with him that morning.

Dean: A second shower? 

He paused, and then deleted the message and started again.

Dean: Was it a nice shower?

Cas: It was sufficient.  Are you and Sam enjoying your time together?

Dean stared at the message; his heart racing a little, Cas wouldn’t cheat on him, right? Why was he acting cold towards him? Sam tapped on the table, and he looked up, then noticed a girl standing with her notepad ready, waiting.

“Oh, can we get a burger and fries twice and one orange juice and a black coffee please?” He asked,  his mind still partially distracted by the message.

The girl wrote down their order and placed a stand with a number in the centre of the table and said she would be back with their drinks and left.

“Whats up?” Sam asked, looking a little concerned.

“Nothing, I was thinking, we could catch a movie or something after here? I don’t feel like going back to the house yet.”

Sam raised his eyebrow before shrugging, “Sure, what movies are playing at the moment?”

He tried to remember the sign he had seen as they walked past the movie theatre, but the messages from Cas haunted him more than he would have liked.

“Umm, I’m not sure, we can decide when we get there. “

Sam nodded and leaned back as the waitress placed their drinks in front of them. Dean smiled at the girl absent-mindedly and noticed Sam smiling as he tapped the pad of his mobile. He looked down at his own and began to tap his reply to Castiel.

Dean: Yeah it’s nice. We’re going to the movies after we’ve had something to eat.

He stopped tapping, unsure of what to say next. Then he pressed send.

He pocketed his mobile as their plates were put in front of them and decided to push aside whatever it was that was happening with Cas and picked up his burger and took a bite.

 

______________________________________________

 

Back at the house, Castiel stood looking over the decorations, making sure the sigils were hidden securely behind each of the large banners and the picture frames; so Dean and Sam wouldn’t see them.  It had taken some time going through each floor of the house making sure the salt lines on the windows were still in place and undisturbed and then finding a way to hide the sigils that they had created. The first rule of battle was to be prepared, none of them knew if there would be any attacks on the house during the party and so they felt it would be beneficial to make them just in case.

Guests were slowly beginning to arrive.  Ellen, Bill and Jo were the first to arrive, and then some friends that Dean still knew from high school, Sam had managed to track them down to invite them,  Vince and his wife were the last to arrive. Castiel was growing increasingly concerned when Gabriel informed him that Samandriel was well enough to join them for the night, assuring him that Samandriel wouldn’t say anything about demons and angels to either Dean or Sam but, he couldn’t help but worry. Samandriel was recovering well, but he still appeared somewhat confused at times, and he had managed to keep Dean and Sam at a distance from him so far. 

He was worried about the next day; they all had agreed that it would be the best time to tell the boys about everything. Ellen agreed to sit in on the conversation to help  Sam and Dean if they found it too much; the boys responded well to her, seeming to see her almost as a second mother.

He wanted to go with the brothers into town, but they needed him at the house, and so Balthazar agreed to follow them incognito, promising he wouldn’t let them see him. So he felt assured that the boys would be fine while they were out walking through the city streets. However something nagged at him, he wasn’t sure what but something didn’t feel right.

“Castiel?” Ellen spoke from beside him; he turned to look at her, “something wrong?” he asked.

“No, not at the moment.” She said, and he sensed a little warning in her words.

He watched her for a moment, trying to figure out what she meant.

“You aren’t planning to hurt my boy?” she asked sternly.

He realized who she was referring to, “ Dean? “ he asked anyway

“yes, I can see how smitten he is with you, and I’m worried that you might not be serious about him.” She explained.

He smiled, “I care about Dean a lot.” He answered reassuringly.

“That doesn’t answer my question, caring about someone can change.”

“Dean and I share a deep bond; I will always try my best not to hurt him. I would do anything for him.”

Ellen stared into his eyes; which made him feel mildly uncomfortable, she searched them and then nodded; apparently satisfied with his answer.

“Good, because I don’t want to have to banish you to the other side of the earth.” She warned and turned to look at the banner which hid one of the sigils.

He smiled. He hadn’t realized how much he had missed Ellen;  Jo too, and if anything good came out of him changing time; it was that Ellen and Jo were alive and with any luck would remain that way. They heard voices coming through the house from the back garden, and they both turned as they found Bobby, Bill and Gabriel stepping through the archway of the kitchen; laughing.

Ellen moved away to join her husband and Bobby.  Gabriel signalled for him to follow him up the stairs, he nodded moving to join him. Making their way up the flight of stairs and down to the end of the hallway, to his old room, Gabriel entered first, and he followed after, smiling slightly.

“Hey Bud, how are you?” Gabriel asked cheerily.

“I am getting stronger,” Samandriel replied with a smile,

Castiel felt awkward around the angel, after all, he killed him, and even though Samandriel didn’t remember it, he still felt a lot of shame and guilt for it.  Sure, he didn’t have control of himself, Naomi had made him do it while he was under her control but it didn’t stop him feeling remorse because if he hadn’t opened purgatory to begin with, then she would never have been able to brainwash and control him.  Samandriel was a good angel and never deserved it.

Maybe Gabriel was right, he was becoming more and more jaded, maybe it was his age too, living aeons of years and doing unspeakable things under the orders of God, the Archangels and brainwashing, it was taking its toll on him, and he was growing increasingly tired of it all.

“Hello.” He greeted Samandriel with a smile.

Samandriel looked over at him and smiled broadly, “Hello Brother.”

“Are you alright?” he asked carefully.

Samandriel nodded, “I am, Thanks to you and Gabriel.” He beamed. “I hear Dean Winchester is celebrating his birthday tonight?”

Castiel nodded, “he is…. Samandriel, you can not tell them anything about us or the demons.”

“I understand, Gabriel has already explained that they do not know yet about our existence. You have my word brother; I will not speak a word of it.”

“Thank you.” Castiel smiled and felt both reassured and relieved.

His mobile sounded, and he pulled it out of his pocket, It was Sam.

Sam: Just letting you know we will be back soon, we are just about to pick up Jess. I will message again when we’re 10 minutes away.

Castiel: Thank you, Sam. :)

“Dean will be back soon; they are just picking up Jess,” Castiel informed the two others.

Gabriel made a small sound and rushed out the door muttering about not being ready.

He nodded quickly to Samandriel and left the room, following Gabriel down the stairs and joined the small party of people gathered in the living area.   Gabriel informed them about Dean’s whereabouts and where they needed to be when he stepped through the door.

 Sam messaged him 20 minutes later to let him know they were only 10 minutes away and Gabriel herded the group out of the room and into the entry hall; placing a glass in the hands of those who were legally old enough to drink, then he turned and shut off the lights. They quietly waited while they listened to a car pull up outside.

 ________________________________________________________

 

Dean pulled up outside the house and rolled his eyes at his brother in the rearview mirror; he wasn’t a charmer that’s for sure; he and Jess barely said a word to each other on the drive back.

“Well I’m going to leave you two lovebirds and get inside; I’m starving.” He said as he opened his door and got out, leaning back inside to look at Sam who was now giving him one of his bitch faces, apparently calling them lovebirds weren’t the best choice of words.

He rolled his eyes and shut the door, Sam and Jess scrambled out of the car and as he made his way up to the front door they rushed to join him. He looked over his shoulder at them, wondering why the hell they were acting so weird but shrugged it off, Sam was weird, so who knows what the hell was happening with him and Jess?

He opened the door and found the place dark, funny; someone should have been home, someone always was. He felt around for the light switch and turned the lights on, almost having a heart attack as there was an explosion of sound meeting his ears,  “Happy birthday!” rang through the room and he blinked as he looked at the gathering that was in front of him.

He stared at them all for a moment; it took him that long to understand what was happening but then he grinned. There, in the group were faces he hadn’t seen in a long time, friends he had lost touch with as they moved on with their lives, went to universities in another state. Then there was Ellen, Rufus, Vince and Carol.. they were all grinning back at him.

“Woah, all this for me?” he asked as he moved forward to join them all.

Jo came forward and hugged him, “who else would we do this all for?” she asked as she stood back again.

“Thank you, this is seriously awesome!”  feeling just a little anxious as every pair of eyes were watching him, he was saved any more anxiety when Gabriel raised his voice and stepped to join Dean in front of the gathering, handing him a glass of Champaign which he sniffed and recoiled back from. It wasn’t a drink he would have chosen, but he knocked it back fast and shuddered slightly at the taste.

“What are we all standing around here for? Let’s get this party going!” Gabriel enthusiastically shouted and pointed towards the living room; which had been heavily decorated the most. There was furniture pushed against the walls. There was a long table on one end of the room which held an array of finger foods and another table lined with glasses and bottles of alcohol, he followed Gabriel through the threshold of the room and then turned to greet those who had come.

First through was Ellen who threw her arms around him and squeezed him tight and then let go, and moved further into the room, then Bill stepped through and clasped Dean’s hand and shook it and patted him on the shoulder. “Good to see you again,” he smiled and joined his wife at the far end, then an old familiar face stood in front of him, she was smiling widely at him. “Hi, Dean.”  Dean smiled back fondly; he hadn’t seen her in such a long time; she hadn’t changed a bit. “Hey Lisa, it’s been too long.” He grinned and she pulled him into a hug, “you bet it has,” she pulled back and stared at him for a moment, before adding “Happy birthday,”

“Thank you” he replied, she looked at him for a moment, then nodded before moving further into the room.  He greeted the rest of the guests and then Castiel came into the room last, smiling. “Are you okay?” he asked.

Dean smiled, and his heart skipped a beat, Castiel stood in front of him,  dressed casually, and it always managed to make his heart want to jump out of his chest. He nodded. “This is amazing, is this why you have been acting… different today?” he asked.

Castiel looked sheepishly and nodded, “Yes, I didn’t want to ruin the surprise.” He added.

He pulled Cas close and hugged him. “I have to admit; I was beginning to think you had found someone else.”

Castiel chuckled, and then sobered. “That will never happen.”

Dean smiled, “I’m glad to hear you say that because I don’t think I could seriously live without you.” The last part just slipped out, “I mean….”

Castiel laughed and then nodded, “I know what you mean, I feel that way too.”

Dean felt his cheeks burning slightly but grinned.  He picked up Castiel’s hand and weaved their fingers together and pulled him towards the table of food; his stomach was rumbling, and it felt like it was eating itself.

The music blared through the speakers, and it was hard to hold any real conversation as everyone was shouting over the loud music to hear each other, he danced with Lisa, then Jo and lastly Jess. Sam cut in not long after and even though the kid didn’t dance much, or could due to his gangly limbs, he suspected it was more a territorial act than a desire to dance, and he chuckled and messed up his brother's hair. He found Cas standing leaning against the wall, watching everyone, he moved over to join him, out of breath from dancing.

“Why are you standing here on your own?” he asked him,

Castiel shrugged, “I like observing.” He replied simply.

He leaned against the wall beside Castiel and glanced around the room; Gabriel was talking to Lisa, Bobby, Rufus and Bill were sitting at a table; Bobby and Rufus appeared to be debating something while Bill listened while seemingly trying to stop himself from laughing. Balthazar was sitting with Samandriel on the sofa, talking animatedly about something, and Ellen stood with Carol and Vince.  A few of his old school friends sat together chugging back beer and he shook his head; something’s never changed. Although he didn’t know them well; he had met them when they were in their final year. They would sneak into parties that were being held by another classmate; most of the time they were not officially invited to the parties.  Other than that, they didn’t talk much outside of what happened at the party and where the next one was; which is how he met Lisa, she didn’t go to their school.  He bumped into her at a party and soaked her top, and they had hit it off straight away, but he didn’t get her number, and that was the last time he had seen her until now.

He pulled his attention back to Castiel. “Thank you for this Cas, it’s great.”

Castiel smiled, “This was all Gabriel's idea.” He replied,

“Well, Thank you anyways.” He noted Castiel seemed a little on guard and he nudged him with his shoulder.

“Hey, everything alright?” he asked, concerned.

“Oh, yes, everything is good,” Castiel replied, scanning the room again before looking at him and smiling.

“want to come and dance?” he asked… Castiel looked almost horrified at that,  “No, I cannot dance.” He replied regretfully.

“I will teach you, C'mon!” Dean took Castiel’s hand and pulled him until they found a bit of a clearing where people were dancing, Jo was dancing now with Jess and Lisa was dancing with Sam; who seemed extremely uncomfortable and awkward which made him throw his head back and laugh. Sam noticed him and gave him a dirty look but then returned his concentration to his feet.

Castiel stared at him, almost with a look of absolute fear as he stood still, arms to his side.

“Don’t worry; no one will judge you.” Dean tried to assure him.

“Look, move your feet from side to side like this and just kind of sway, “Okay, so he wasn’t the best instructor of dancing, but it wasn’t like he often danced himself let alone had to teach someone else.

Castiel copied Dean, but he seemed stiff in his movements.

“Okay now loosen your shoulders and your arms..” he instructed, which Cas seemed to find difficult. The music stopped, and a new song started, and he stopped and pulled Cas aside and back to their place near the wall, no way was he dancing to a slow song. He looked back to find Sam and Jess dancing, her arms around his neck, evidently on her tiptoes, smiling up. Sam’s eyes were locked on hers, and it made him smile. The love he saw between them was so evident, and it made him tear up a little. He looked away and wiped his eyes and turned back to Castiel. “ So that was fun.” He said grinning. Castiel seemed much more relaxed now and nodded. “Yes it was, but I don’t want to do it again; not with everyone watching, “ he grumbled.

Dean chuckled. “Okay, I won’t make you do that again if you promise to dance with me when we’re alone.” He cheekily grinned.

“Alright, that’s fair,” Cas replied.

“I’ll be back in a minute; I’m going to get a drink.” He pointed over to the table, and Cas nodded,  He moved over to the table of alcohol and mixed a glass of Whiskey and coca cola for both him and Castiel, he knocked back his glass and then mixed another and took them both back to where Castiel was standing and handed it to him. Castiel thanked him and sipped at the drink while he watched the couples dancing; Vince, Carol, Ellen and Bill had joined Sam and Jess in the middle of the room, dancing. He observed Castiel’s expression, which looked like a mixture of a surprise but also emotionally moved by the show of affection and he wondered how much he had witnessed in his life that he would seem surprised by this kind of affection? Weren’t his parents ever like this? He began to feel sorry for him; his childhood must have been difficult. Homeschooled and was without friends, and now it was beginning to appear like acts of love wasn’t’ shown in his family. He looked over to Gabriel and then to Balthazar and Samandriel. Sure they loved each other,  on some level, but they didn’t seem close, they appeared protective, but there was something missing from their bonds, something that he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

He nudged Castiel, drawing his attention away from those dancing, “Do want to go out and get some fresh air?” he asked, wanting to be alone for a few minutes with him.

Castiel nodded and pushed away from the wall, he smiled and led their way through the crowd and stepped out of the room, everything seemed muffled, after being in a room filled with loud voices and music.

They quietly made their way outside the front of the house, and Dean sat on the steps, Castiel joined him. It felt nice being able to feel the cool air on his face and neck, and able to breathe in the fresh air. The room was quite hot and the air a bit still.

“You alright? You seemed a little I dunno.. upset or something in there…” he hitched his thumb behind him to indicate back into the house.

Castiel looked over and watched him for a moment and then nodded. “yes, it was just… it’s not something I am accustomed to; seeing two people who love each other show that much adoration while dancing, it’s amazing to see.” Castiel said honestly.

“Didn’t see it much as a child, huh?”

Castiel shook his head, “My father… didn’t have anyone to dance with so we never saw it, no. “

He didn’t think; he had forgotten that his mother had not been around when he was a child, which made it even more tragic.  He decided to change the direction of the conversation, “So you haven’t danced with anyone like that?” he enquired

Castiel shook his head, “I’ve never had the occasion.”

Well, now he could change that.

He stood up and held his hand out to Castiel, who looked up at him confused, but put his hand in his. Dean pulled him up and led them up the stairs through the doors and into the room beside the one the party was in, the music was loud enough to be heard but still quieter.

He pulled Castiel closer and positioned his arms around his neck, while he placed his own lower on Castiel’s back, and looked down at Cas as he began to sway. Castiel still looked confused for a moment before he realized what was happening and he then smiled and began to sway himself, looking up into Dean’s eyes.

It wasn’t perfect, far from it.. it was awkward, but it felt nice regardless, and he felt Castiel slowly relax into the rhythm of their movements. It wasn’t until the second chorus of another song played that Dean realized that it was a fast beat song and the slow song had long been over. He leaned down and kissed Castiel and it was probably the first time that he felt like he was floating, the music and voices of the party next door were just a floating noise detached of where he was. He felt dizzy, almost drunk but at peace.  It made him feel lost, beyond the world around him, there was just him and Castiel in the middle of nothing. He sighed into the kiss, and it seemed like a long time before they pulled away and just stared at each other.  He was lost for words, but more than that, he didn’t want to say anything, as if a word would ruin the moment and bring them back to earth, back to the present. Castiel's blue eyes seemed deeper than ever, and he couldn’t’ look away even if he wanted to; not that he wanted to. It was evident that Cas felt the same way, his eyes had lost their earlier guarded appearance, they were relaxed and just focused on him.

Of course that all ended when Jo stepped into the room, giggling at them. Both their heads snapped in her direction, surprised mostly, and Dean felt the disappointment as the present came uninvited back to him, surrounding him like an unwelcome blanket. He turned to look back at Cas who had worn the same look of disappointment, and they let go and turned to Jo.

“Geez Jo, have you heard of privacy?” he asked part of him was just teasing but the other part felt annoyed at her interruption.

“Hey, if you want privacy, you could go to your room, “she suggested, looking from one to the other.

Dean sighed and moved past her, ruffling her hair as he went. “I will remember that next time… “  he heard Cas chuckle as he turned and entered the room where everyone was now just standing around talking, it seemed everyone was done with dancing. He picked up another drink and decided to mingle with the guests.

 

Two hours later, Dean was pretty much drunk, having drunk a whole lot of drinks that he was offered and he was stepping over bodies, some already sleeping on the sofas and the floor. He stepped over Lisa and Shaun; one of his old school friends who was huddled together sharing a sleeping bag, which he chuckled about and then moved out of the room, determined to find Castiel and Gabriel who had disappeared sometime earlier. His mobile buzzed in his pocket, and he pulled it out.

His dad's number flashed on the screen, and he answered, slurring slightly.

“Dad? What’s up?” he asked and waited for the other side to answer.

He paused as a woman spoke on the other side.

“Who’s this?” he asked sharply, feeling the happy bubble that wrapped around his mind fade away.

“I’m Kate, You need to come to Minnesota; it’s your father.” Dean froze, holding his breath as the woman spoke on the other side.

He hung up the phone and ran up the stairs as quick as he could, barging into Sam’s room without knocking.

He took one look at the bed, and suddenly closed his eyes and turned around.

“Sam, Jesus! I hope you’re using protection! “

“What the fuck Dean?” he heard Sam get off the bed and a rustle of clothes being put on… he waited until Jess ran passed him and out of the room.

“You can turn around now, what is so important that you have to barge into my room without knocking?”

Dean turned around,  and Sam took one look at his expression and stepped quickly towards him.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

“It’s Dad,” Dean replied, feeling sick to his stomach.

 

 


	26. Chapter 26

** January 31st, 2000 **

“Sam we’re not stopping again, besides we’re almost at the hospital.” Dean sighed in frustration but then glanced over at his brother who was looking out the window.

The car was silent for some time before Sam spoke again. “Why didn’t he tell us?” he asked in disbelief.

Dean looked over; it was dark now, and Sam’s features were only visible as they passed a lamp post. What could he say? He didn’t know why their dad did anything.

“I don’t know Sam,” Dean replied quietly, returning his attention back to the road.

They remained quiet until they pulled up in front of the hospital and Dean glanced at the building, prolonging the moment as much as he could.

He didn’t know much except that their dad was in the hospital due to his liver and it wasn’t looking good for him, and the woman; Kate has suggested they should come as quickly as they could and say their goodbyes.  Dean was surprised by her voice, in his head, he had created a cold woman; a home wrecker who had taken their father from them but she was more like his mother; she was gentle and warm and invited both he and Sam to stay with her and her son.

He had declined the invitation, opting to stay in a motel instead. Now that they were in front of the hospital, he had butterflies in his stomach, and it was hard to swallow. On the road, it was easy to ignore the reality of it all, but now it wasn’t.

He scanned the parking lot for an empty space and he pulled into one a little further away from the entrance and unfastened his seat belt and turned to Sam; who had not made a move to unbuckle.

“Sam?” he asked gently.

“I don’t want to go in there,” Sam stated, his bottom lip trembling a little.

“Me neither, but we have to. “  Dean replied sighing.

“I just wish he had told us; I have so much I want to say to him.”

“Well, that’s more than a good enough reason for us to go up to him… right?”

“It’s just…. What if he’s like mom was?” Sam asked, turning to look at him.

It then occurred to him; Sam was scared.

“I can’t promise you that he isn’t, but Sam, no matter what, I will be right next to you. Okay? I’m not going to leave you.”

Sam’s shoulders sagged, and he reluctantly nodded.

“Okay, we should get in there; Kate said he was on the fifth floor.”

Sam unbuckled his belt, “Fine,” he said as he flung the seat belt aside and opened his car door, Dean followed suit and got out of the car.

They made their way up to the fifth floor and waited at the nurses’ station for someone to come back and tell them where their father was.

“Dean?” a voice behind them asked quietly,

Dean turned around and found a woman with blonde shoulder length hair in front of him; she looked exhausted, about to fall on her feet; dark circles formed under her eyes, and she looked pale.

“Yes?” he replied, curiously.

“I- I don’t know how to tell you this… “

Dean licked his lips, already feeling that whatever she was about to say was not good.  “What’s wrong?” he asked, hearing his voice crack.

“I’m so sorry,” The woman stepped forward and pulled both Sam and Dean into a hug and then began to cry.

“Kate?” he guessed, he felt the colour leave his face and a chill run up his spine.

She nodded and drew back, “Is Dad okay?” he asked, now fear gripped around his heart.

She shook her head and looked towards Sam and then back. “I am sorry; Your father passed away just over an hour ago.”

Kate paused for a moment; visibly swallowing before she continued, “They did everything they could for him, but his liver was too badly damaged. He was in renal failure, only 10% of his one kidney was working, the other one had failed.  They are preparing him so you boys can view him if you want to. I am so sorry; he was so proud of you both; he talked so much about you that I feel like I already know you.”

“He didn’t tell us much about you at all.”  Dean heard Sam beside him, his voice cold,  he turned to look at Sam; tears clung to the edge of his lashes, but Sam seemed angry, his fists balled at his sides.

“Sam” he whispered and nudged him with his elbow gently. Sam turned and stared at him; he gestured for him to be nice. Sam sighed, and his shoulders slumped, and his hands relaxed out of the fists and turned back to Kate.

“Was… was he in pain?” Sam asked; his voice cracking a bit at the end.

Kate shook her head, “No, they gave him morphine for the pain; he never regained consciousness.  “

“I want to see him,” Sam demanded.

Kate nodded, “I know; someone will find us when you can go and see him.”

Dean kept quiet, lost for anything to say, he felt numb.  He moved over to a seat near one of the rooms and sat down and covered his face with his hands.

They lost their mother and now their father. He must have been ill for a while so why hadn’t he told them about it?

Movement caught his attention as Sam sat down beside him.

“Are you alright Sam?” He asked.

Sam was quiet, he glanced over and saw the visible anger Sam was feeling.

“He didn’t fucking tell us, Dean.” Sam spat out angrily. “Why the fuck wouldn’t he tell us?” shaking his head in disbelief. 

“If I knew the answer, I’d tell you Sam, but I just don’t know.”

“He was selfish. He has been ever since mom died, he thought of no one else but himself, he never gave a shit about you or me, never cared about how we felt.” 

“Sam, he did care, he just had a hard time...”

“Dean don’t you dare defend him. Not this time.”

Dean opened his mouth but then closed it again. Sam was just trying to deal with their father’s death, and so he leaned back in his seat, resting his head against the wall behind him.  He began to regret telling Castiel and Gabriel to stay behind; saying that they needed to do this on their own. Bobby ignored them but said he would give them a day before he would come to the hospital; after all, John was his friend.

They both lapsed into silence, and he thought back to the week before, the way his father had acted,  what he had said. He knew it was their final goodbye, the whole week he hadn’t been able to shake the feeling, but he put it down to just him reading too much into it.

He thought about the envelope that lay in his top drawer back at the house, what was in it? He hadn’t bothered to look because it was for Sam’s birthday, but was there something more in there; a letter? It didn’t feel thick though so if there were any letters inside it, there couldn’t be anything more than a single page.

He glanced up when he heard footsteps coming towards them and was greeted by a young boy. He had ash blonde hair and blue eyes, and he stared at Dean curiously.

Dean smiled and managed to find his voice. “Hey, are you lost?”  He asked his voice a little hoarse.

The boy shook his head and looked down to his shoes for a second and then turned to look at Sam, looking him up and down before returning his attention back to Dean.

“Can I help you?” Dean asked politely, feeling a little uneasy under the boys piercing stare.

“Are you Dean Winchester?” the boy asked, Dean nodded; the kid couldn’t have been more than ten years old.

The young boy looked at Sam, “You are Sam Winchester?”

“Yes. You’re Adam?” Sam asked him curiously.

The young boy nodded solemnly. “Mom said that you’re my brothers….” He trailed off, looking at his feet.

Dean stared at the young boy again as it finally sunk in that this kid was their little brother; their half-brother; the kid their father had with Kate.

He didn’t know what to say, he hadn’t expected to see Adam at the hospital, but it made sense, Kate was there after all.

The young boy looked at him again, and he offered a friendly smile and patted the seat beside him. The kid walked over slowly and sat down; his feet barely touched the floor.

“Are you okay?” he asked him, still unsure of what to say, the kid didn’t seem interested in talking.

Adam nodded but then began to cry.  Dean’s heart broke for the young boy; he just lost his father, and as much as that concept seemed weird to him and made him feel uncomfortable, he leaned back and pulled the boy to his side and hugged him. The boy threw his arms around Dean’s waist and cried harder.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Dean soothed patting the boy on his back, Adam shook his head and pulled away and wiped the back of his hand across his eyes.

“Joh-Dad said he would not leave me again, but-but he did. He promised that we would be a family, that you and, “Adam looked over to Sam and then back to Dean, “Sam would come and spend time with mom and me. We would all go to new places together. But now he’s gone…”  he trailed off and looked down at his feet.

Dean swallowed hard; he hadn’t thought about the kid and how he would feel with finding out he had two brothers; he never gave much thought to the kid except that he was a product of his father’s affair. Now, sitting beside this young child; it became too real. He was a young child who had grown up not knowing his father or his brothers and was now feeling the pain and loss of his dad. He tried to smile at the kid.

“Hey, Sam and I are here now, right?” the young boy nodded. “And when we have to leave again, I will give you my number, and you can call me whenever you want. Yeah?” Adam started to nod; not smiling, but he had at least stopped crying and looked up at him. Dean heard footsteps and turned to find Kate coming back towards them.

“Hi,  The nurses have informed me that John is now ready for you to see him,”  she looked at him and Sam, and he nodded, nudging Sam who began to stand up slowly.

He stood up and looked down to Adam; who was still sitting on the chair and then to Kate; who was looking at her son.

“Are you coming too?” he asked her, she turned back to him and shook her head.

“No, I have already said my goodbyes, and I don’t think it’s a place for Adam to be.” She said sadly; her eyes were red from crying. He stepped forward, and even though he felt awkward doing it, he reached out and hugged her.  She put her arms around him for a second and then Dean pulled back and smiled.  “Thank you.” She said quietly, “Your father is in room 18, it’s on that side of the hall.” She pointed to the far side of the wide corridor, and he nodded. Sam remained silent and didn’t look towards Kate or Adam before he began to walk up the corridor.  

“Thank you, “Dean replied and then gestured that he had to catch up with Sam.

Kate nodded and held out her hand to Adam.

Dean turned to leave but then turned back and crouched down until he was level with Adam,  then reached out opening his arms wide; Adam stepped forward, and Dean closed his arms around the young kid. “We will talk soon; your mom has my number. Okay?” the boy nodded, and he stood back up and ruffled the boy’s hair, he glanced once more at Kate and then turned and caught up with Sam.

As they both began to approach the room, they slowed down. Dean felt nervous; he still felt numb, like it wasn’t happening.  With every step, they took forward made him want to turn back and just leave. He knew the moment he saw his father; it would be too real and if he was honest with himself; he was scared of how he would feel.  The numbness he was feeling; he could manage to live with that, he couldn’t live again with the pain he felt from his mother’s death.

The final step had them just outside his room, the door was closed, and they looked at each other. They both took deep breaths, and Sam suddenly took hold of Dean’s hand. Dean jumped at the contact, but when he looked into Sam’s eyes, he saw the fear in them; and the innocence of that nine-year-old child who had seen their mother as her heart slowly stopped beating.  He smiled encouragingly, but not feeling half as brave as he tried to show. Sam gestured he was ready, and Dean pushed the door open.

The room was silent; he didn’t know if it was just him, but it felt like Death was in the air, dense and compressed into the walls. The curtains around the bed were closed, and they slowly walked towards it. Sams grip tightened, and he looked down to find Sam’s knuckles white.

He pulled Sam to the side, “Sam you don’t have to do this, you can stay outside the room if you want.” He tried to assure him. Sam shook his head, “No I want to do this.” He said determined and looked back at the curtain, swallowing visibly.

He sighed. “Okay, ready?” he asked.

Sam gestured that he was and they moved to stand next to the curtain; then Dean pulled it back enough that their father was visible to them and he swallowed the hard lump that felt stuck in his throat, and Sam half gasped at seeing their father lying silent, unmoving in the hospital bed.

Dean moved forward; he didn’t understand how much older their father looked; his skin was darkly tanned; yellowish orange and his features seemed ten years older. It seemed like more than a week had passed since they had seen him. He stared at this body and couldn’t seem to feel the emotions that he had expected to feel. He felt the Shock for how he looked, but there was a void of emotion. This man who lay on the bed didn’t look like his father, not the man they had known.

Sam, on the other hand, walked quietly over to John’s bed, slowly reaching out towards Johns' hand but stopped just before he touched him. “You, you selfish asshole!”

Dean jumped as he heard Sam shouting, and then moved forward and rested his hand on Sam’s shoulder; which Sam shrugged off angrily. “Sam…” Dean tried to soothe, but Sam turned his icy glare on to him.

“Dean get the hell out of here,” Sam ordered.

Dean stepped back but refused to leave the room, shaking his head.

Sam continued to glare at him, his fists balled.

“Sam, I promised you that I wouldn’t leave you, and I am not. “

Sam shook his head and turned back to the man in the bed,

“You never fucking took me anywhere! You never came to see me do anything at school! You didn’t give a shit to tell us about your illness! Why didn’t you stay with us?! Why… why d-dad?”  Sam’s voice turned from anger to broken cries and Dean stepped forward again, putting his arm around his brother.

They didn’t say anything more. Dean turned Sam around and led him out of the room; he turned around once more as he stepped out of the room and silently said his goodbye, then moved forward taking both he and Sam out of the hospital and to the car.

He opened the passenger side and guided Sam into his seat and then moved to his side and got into it. He sat there for a moment looking at the hospital once again, it was the last time they would see their father and he still didn’t feel the grief that he was meant to feel, he felt sad of course, but it felt surreal. He glanced over to Sam; who sat looking out the front window, staring out at nothing. He sighed and started the car and slowly pulled out of the hospital carpark.

*************************************

 

Castiel sat in the back seat and watched Dean through the rearview mirror, wanting nothing more than to reach out and let him know he was there for him, but of course, that wasn’t possible. Dean had made it clear that he wanted to do this alone and one look into his eyes, he knew that he wasn’t going to convince him.

He reluctantly agreed and had to wait until they had packed and left the house before he could phase out of view and join them in the car, it was difficult just to sit there and watch and listen; it felt too much like the years before when he had been hidden from them. Wanting so much to comfort but forced to remain unseen.

He hadn’t expected Dean and Sam’s reactions to John’s death, he was waiting for Dean to either break down in tears or explode in rage but instead, he was calm, except that his face drained of colour. It was surprising to hear Sam explode; it had made him jump, and he almost revealed himself to the boys in John’s room.

It worried him that Dean was too calm because if he was calm, it would bubble beneath the surface and sooner or later Dean would break down, and that could potentially reverse everything that had been accomplished so far with Dean moving on from his mother’s Death.

He wanted to heal John; it would have been simple to do from an angel’s perspective but then questions would have been asked, and that wasn’t the real reason. He tried to save Mary and she still died; Gabriel had reminded him before he left that Mary was meant to die, and so was John, it was their time.  He could heal John a hundred times, but he would still die.  So he sat in the back of the car helpless to help them once again, sometimes wondering If that meant Jo and Ellen would still die.  Of course, he knew what could happen, after all, he and Balthazar stopped the Titanic from sinking, and it changed a lot of lives and fate tried to correct it all.However that was a large ship with hundreds of lives saved, this was on a smaller level.. Wasn’t it?

Great, he now had to worry about keeping Ellen and Jo alive; just in case fate was involved.

He was brought out of his reverie when the car stopped outside a motel; Dean went to the front office while he remained in the car with Sam, only leaving the car when Sam got out and both of the boys entered their motel room.  Once inside, he heard Dean asks Sam what he wanted to eat; Sam had refused to eat anything, and Dean sighed.

He scanned the area with his grace, to make sure there were no demons or angels around and once satisfied he left the room and found Bobby on a highway a few hours away from the boys.

He quietly sat on the seat beside him and tried as hard as he could to not give the man a fright.  “Hello.” He said quietly. Bobby turned to look at him and jumped, causing him to swerve, barely missing the barrier on the side of the road.

“Damn Castiel, what ya trying to do, give an old man a heart attack?” Bobby growled out.

“I’m sorry. I wanted to update you on John’s condition.”

“How is he?” Bobby asked,

“He didn’t make it. Sam and Dean are in a motel 6. I am sure he will text you the details when he settles in.”

“Damn, stupid idjit!” Bobby slammed his hand against his wheel and then looked over to Castiel.

“How are the boys taking it?” he asked, concerned now.

“Sam is angry, Dean’s too calm,” he said.

“too calm?” Bobby asked, glancing over at him before returning his attention to the road.

Castiel nodded, “Yes, he hasn’t reacted to Johns death at all. He’s a little pale, but that’s it.”

Bobby didn’t say anything for a long time, just carefully steered his pickup truck around the sharp bends in the road.

As soon as they were clear of the bends and driving straight again, Bobby sighed. “Keep an eye on that boy, nothing good can come of him keeping it all bottled up,” Bobby warned.

He nodded his agreement and left, finding Sam and Dean sitting on the twin beds, Sam was looking at his mobile and Dean lay with his hands behind his head; looking up at the ceiling.

He decided to check the surrounding area of the motel again, just to make sure no one was lurking in the dark and felt satisfied when he found no demons or angels lurking around. He entered the motel and slowly walked to sit down at the table and watched the boys.

He didn’t know how he had managed to do this before; it was almost like torture, not being able to reach out to Dean. He watched as Dean walked over to the small fridge and pull out a bottle of beer, opened it and then pulled his mobile phone out of his pocket and began tapping the buttons. Castiel’s mobile phone began to buzz, he looked at Dean once again and then left the room, finding a street not far away so he could safely answer the phone but still keep the motel in view.

“Hello?” he answered.

“Hi, Cas” Dean answered, his voice tired.

“Are you alright Dean, how’s your father?”

“Yeah, I’m fine but….” Dean trailed off, and there was shuffling on the other end of the phone and then he heard the door open,

“Dean?” he asked into the mouthpiece quietly.

Dean sighed. “Dad didn’t make it.” His voice just above a whisper.

“I’m sorry Dean.” He offered his sincere condolences, but it didn’t feel like enough, he wanted to be there to comfort him; wrap his arms around him and offer him his strength.

“I don’t know what to do with Sammy; he’s not taking it well. He practically screamed at dad when we went to see him. I had to pull him out of there before someone came in and escorted us out.” Dean lowered his voice, and Castiel could hear a door squeak closed.

He glanced over to the motel and found Dean leaning against the brickwork beside the door. 

“Sam just needs time, How are you doing?”

“I’m fine. I feel… numb? I don’t know if it’s sunk in yet or not, but I don’t feel anything Cas.”  Dean whispered into the phone.

“Would you like me to come?” he asked, hoping Dean would say yes.

“I don’t want to put you to any trouble… “ Dean replied but then trailed off.

“It’s no trouble at all Dean, I can bring Gabriel too, I’m sure he could help with Sam.”

The line went quiet.

“Dean?”

Dean sighed, “No offence Cas, but Sam’s my brother, and it’s my job to be there for him.”

“Dean, yes, but that doesn’t mean someone else can’t be there too.” He paused. “ Maybe Sam might want Gabriel's company as a way to keep his mind off it all?”

There was silence for a minute, and Castiel noticed the motel door opening, Sam stood just inside the door. He heard muffled voices through the speaker of the phone, and then Dean answered.

“Sam said he doesn’t mind if Gabriel comes too.”

“Alright, Gabe and I will leave shortly, we will see you tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Dean replied and added, “I miss you.”

He smiled, “I miss you too.”

“Alright, we will see you tomorrow. “ Dean replied his tone a little more upbeat.

“Okay.” He answered back; feeling happy that he would only have to endure just the night of being hidden from him.

“Oh and Cas?”

“Yeah?”

“Drive safe okay?”

“Will do. Bye Dean.”

“Seeya Cas.”  With that, Dean hung up. He stood and watched as Dean stepped back into the motel, he took one more look around and then went to find Gabriel; who he found in Bobby’s front passenger seat.

“Oh hey, Castiel.” Gabriel sounded annoyed.

“What’s going on?” He asked; now concerned.

“I went to the hospital to see how John was and found two of Michaels henchmen standing guard outside his room. They were expecting one of us to show up.”

“Did you harm them?”  he asked concerned for Sam and Dean’s safety; he couldn’t’ stay much longer.

“No, but they have been locked and hidden far away from both the house and the hospital. I figured we could try and get some information out of them. It’s better than killing them outright.” Gabriel replied, smiling bitterly.

He nodded. “I have to get back, but I wanted to tell you that I told Dean we would be there tomorrow. Sam’s not doing too well.”

Gabriel nodded once and turned to look at him. “What about Dean?”

Castiel shrugged. “I don’t know; he doesn’t know how he feels. He said he feels numb. I have to get back to them If there are any problems I will let you know.”

Before they could respond he was back inside the motel, both Dean and Sam were watching Tv, but neither of them appeared to be paying attention to it. Dean was absentmindedly peeling the label off his beer bottle, and Sam was staring just at the TV screen; eyes glazed over.

He settled himself into the chair again; he felt a little like he was intruding, but he wanted to make sure they were both okay. It was going to be a long night.

                                                ___________________________________________________________________

Dean didn’t fall asleep until way into the early hours of the morning, the last thing he heard as he drifted to sleep was the first chirps of the early morning birds and then woke up after what felt like 15 minutes of sleep to a knock on the door.

He glanced over to Sams bed and then back to the door and sat up, rubbing his eyes with the palm of his hands, the door knocked again, and he groaned, he stepped over to the door and opened it a little, squinting at the light that suddenly blinded him.

“Hey,” He heard Bobby’s voice and so he opened the door wider and stepped back into the motel room; away from the sunlight. He squinted at the clock on the wall and found it was close to midday. 

“How are ya?” Bobby asked him as he moved past him to head to the small kitchenette.

“Okay, considering….” Dean said trailing off.

“I’m sorry.” Bobby said gently, “I know how much your daddy meant to you, I wish he would have told us.”

“Thanks, and me too, Sam has taken it hard. I think he’s more hurt that dad didn’t tell us before he left. It would have given Sam a chance to talk to him, clear things up but now….”

Bobby sighed.” John always did things the hard way, you aren’t much different to him; keeping things to yourself until it’s too much to handle,”  Bobby looked at him pointedly, and he rolled his eyes and turned the kettle on and pulled out two cups.

He leaned back against the counter while he waited for the water to boil.

“We met Kate and Adam last night.” He glanced over to Bobby, who looked up from placing his bag on the chair.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, she’s nice. It was weird; Bobby, Adam seemed like a good kid too. Kate will give him my number in case you know, in case he wants to talk to us. I can’t pretend that it didn’t weird me out, but seeing him, it made me realize why dad chose to sell up and move up here with Kate. He wasn’t around for us much growing up, but he had a chance to change that with Adam.”

Bobby nodded and moved over to the cupboard and searched them until he found the coffee and placed it on the counter, “Your dad wasn’t a bad man, he just never found a way to deal with Mary’s death. I think he felt guilty that he left you boys without her and drowned his guilt with the bottle.”

“Yeah, maybe.” He responded; unconvinced. He turned back around to make the coffee. They took their cups and sat down at the table; Dean turned around to see if Sam was still asleep. “I’m going to call Kate later and see if she needs help with the funeral, I don’t know what dad wanted; he never talked about what would happen after he was gone. I’m going to leave Sam here, do you mind keeping an eye on him?  I think he has been through a lot in the past 24 hours.”

Bobby nodded, and they remained silent as they sipped at their drinks.

Cas and Gabriel arrived several hours later; Sam cheered up moderately once they were able to take his mind off the current situation. Castiel refused to take no for an answer when Dean informed him that he was going to go over to Kates house to talk about the funeral arrangements when he stated he would go with him.

By nightfall, they were back to the motel, Dean and Sam shared their memories of John with the two Angels, most of them included family holidays with their mother or seasonal holidays. Sam, although still taking Johns death hard, lightened up and was laughing along with them.

Bobby booked a room at the motel and eventually said good night. Cas agreed to stay with Sam and Dean, while Gabriel made his excuse to leave stating he would also get a room, but instead he visited the two angels who had been standing guard outside Johns hospital room; planning to get as much information as he could from them.

 

 


	27. Chapter 27

The funeral wasn’t a big one; John's wishes were that he be cremated and that his ashes be scattered in the cemetery where Mary was buried.

The funeral was hard for Sam, but Dean still didn’t feel as sad as he expected, he felt detached from what was happening around him as if it hadn’t actually sunk in that his dad was gone.  He didn’t mind so much, but everyone was always asking him if he was okay. They wouldn’t let him out of any one of their sights for longer than it took to go to the bathroom, and if he took longer, there was always a knock on the door with someone asking him if he was alright. It was beginning to piss him off; couldn’t they be happy that he was not affected the same way he was with his mom?

It wasn’t until the end of February that he decided to look at the envelope that his father had given to him.  He had tried to open it on several occasions, but before he tore it open, he changed his mind and put it back on his nightstand. However,  now he was sitting on his bed alone, with the envelope held in his hand, he exhaled and began to carefully open it, curious to what might be inside, maybe a letter that would explain why he didn’t tell them or maybe even to say goodbye?

 Dean tore a strip off the envelope and put it aside and peered into the envelope.  To his disappointment, there was nothing but a check made out to Sam and a small slip of paper with the words “I’m sorry.” written on it. He pulled the contents out and double checked.

Nothing? Didn’t they deserve an explanation to why he didn’t tell them? What good was a sorry?

That’s when it all hit, and anger bubbled to the surface, and he got off his bed and made his way down the stairs and out the front door. He stood breathing heavily, trying to inhale enough air to calm himself but it didn’t work, he felt angrier than he had in his room, and he began to walk briskly; wanting nothing better than to punch several trees. He suddenly stopped as he was passing the garage and stared at it for a long moment.

Something drove him forward towards the garage, when he reached it, he pulled the doors open. He stared at the car, the only thing remaining of his parents, the Impala.  He stepped towards her slowly until he saw a crowbar resting against the wall, he picked it up and ran his fingers up and down the cold steel bar. Then without much thought, he slammed it down against the roof of the car; it felt good to vent the anger out, and so he slammed the steel bar down again on the hood.

“You fucking asshole!” he roared as he smashed the glass of the back passenger window; hearing with satisfaction the glass smashing and falling away. “You left us to fend for ourselves!” he screamed again as the bar hit the other back passenger window and struck the roof of the car several times in rapid concession. He moved around the car, beating every inch of surface he found, feeling the anger slowly burn away until he felt raw with only a slither of anger remaining, mixed with the full force of grief that begun to swirl through his mind. He slid down against the wall and sat staring at the car, tears running down his cheeks.  

He heard footsteps coming towards the garage, several pairs of feet coming faster. It wasn’t long before Bobby, Gabriel and Castiel stood at the entrance. He turned to find Bobby staring at the damage the Impala took in his rampage; Castiel was scanning the area, including the car until he found Dean sitting on the floor beside it and slowly made his way over.

Gabriel paused for a moment, nodded to him, took one look at the car and then turned around and started to walk away, only stopping long enough to whistle quietly to gain Bobby’s attention.  Bobby looked over to Dean and Castiel, looking like he was debating whether to stay or follow Gabriel, but then turned and stepped away, leaving Dean and Castiel alone.  

“Dean, Are you alright?” Castiel asked studying the tiny drops of blood that littered Dean’s arms from where stray bits of glass had hit him.

He didn’t answer for a moment, trying to centre himself so he could answer him with something coherent.

“I’m fine. I’m just… angry.” He replied.

“Angry at your father?” Castiel asked; sliding closer to sit beside him.

Dean nodded,”Yeah.”

Castiel took Dean’s hand in his own and remained quiet for some time. It allowed  Dean time to settle and talk if he chose to, that’s what he loved about Cas; he didn’t push anything until Dean was ready; would stay with him for comfort and support and let him deal with it the way he wanted to.

“He was my hero when I was younger; before mom died.  There wasn’t anything he couldn’t do.  I would go to work with him sometimes when mom was busy, and he would let me help with small things, you know? I changed my first tire when I was ten, and he looked at me like I had just won gold in the Olympics.” Dean smiled fondly, “ He took me for ice cream after to celebrate.” Then glanced down at his arms, noticing the blood on his arms for the first time.

 He wiped the drops of blood from his arms and glanced over to Cas, who was watching him, his eyes warm and a hint of a smile, he tried to smile back but he couldn’t.  He missed his dad; not the man who he had become, but the man he was before his mom died. The man, who made him feel like he could do anything he put his mind to, never disappointed when he failed something the first time. The man, who would even when home late from work, would go up to his and Sam’s room to say goodnight.

“This… This car meant so much to him, and she meant so much to me. Now, she’s the only thing that is left that belonged to him. “He wiped the tears that tried to escape and shook his head to clear it of the memories and turned his attention away from the car and onto Castiel.

“Thanks.” He tried to smile. “Thanks for everything.”

Castiel returned his smile and nodded slightly, then took Dean’s hand in his again, “I made a promise, I would be here for you, and I always will be. If you need to talk or just want to sit quietly, I’m here.”

He took one more look at the Impala and then stood up, with the anger finally gone he felt tired and wanted nothing more than to get to his room. He turned and began walking back to the house, Castiel walking beside him quietly.

Dean struggled to deal with the passing of his father for over 6 weeks, his sessions with Dr Marks increased to 2 sessions per week, and nothing made him feel as happy as he was before that day back at the end of February.  His nightmares hadn’t changed, but he felt something pressed heavy in his chest from the time he woke up until he fell into unconsciousness.  He was finding himself becoming angrier quicker, especially when he walked into a room and everyone fell silent as if they had been talking about him just moments before he stepped into it. He tried sneaking up on them, creeping down the hallway to see what they were talking about but he never heard them, so why were they so damn quiet the moment he stepped through?

Castiel tried to help him, and he felt guilty for shutting him out, but he didn’t know how to let him in, for far too many years after they lost their mom, he had closed his emotions up inside himself, not letting anyone see much.  He felt like shit, but Cas was good about it, reminding him that he would always be there for him, ready to talk when he wanted to. He wanted to talk to him, so why couldn’t he?

He was pulled out of his thoughts when a young child ran up to the bench he was sitting on, and he looked at the little boy and smiled, the kid giggled and ran back to his mother. The park was peaceful, and he found himself coming here almost every day after work,  it allowed him sometime before going back to the house where it was busy. He looked back down at the ring between his fingers, turning it around and rubbing a thumb across the engraving, Castiel's promise to always be there, he wished he knew the language just so he could believe what was there, written on the ring.  It was becoming harder and harder to believe that Castiel would always be there, everyone left in the end. What makes it any different with Cas? Sooner or later, Cas would realize he didn’t care that much for Dean, and he would be gone; like his mom, dad and everyone else he had cared about in his past. This is why he didn’t latch on to anyone, why he didn’t have any real friends.

His mobile vibrated in his pocket, and he ignored it. It would only be someone asking if he was alright, or where he was, and he didn’t want to deal with them right now, but it vibrated two more times, and then a long pulse vibration started. He sighed, and pulled the mobile out of his pocket and pressing to answer.

“Yeah?” he snapped into the mouthpiece of the phone.

“You do know that tonight is Jess’s going away party?” Sam snapped back sounding annoyed.

“Oh, Shit. I forgot. Hold on.” He pulled his mobile away from his ear and cursed quietly and glanced at his watch. It was five minutes to seven, and Jess would be arriving at the house in less than an hour.

“Alright, I’m on my way back now. Don’t get your panties in a twist.” He stood up and turned, making his way back to his car.

Sam grunted and hung up. He looked at his mobile and tossed it onto the passenger seat and reversed out of the parking lot. It didn’t take him long to get back, it was just under ten minutes. He still had approximately forty minutes to go get a shower to clean the grease out of his hair from his day at work, then get dressed and help anyone who needed it.

The party was rather bittersweet. Several of Sam’s and Jess’s school friends were invited, and it was a fun night, they laughed, danced and even sang on a karaoke machine that Gabriel pulled out, but by the end, everyone was subdued as they hugged Jess goodbye, wishing her well in her future. She wasn’t leaving for another week, but it was her last weekend before she was moving to California.  Sam spent most of the following week with Jess, helping her parents pack everything and move it from the house and into the removal truck.

 ________________________________________________________

 

On April 14th, 2000,

Sam, Dean, Bobby, Gabriel, and Castiel stood waving at the car that was now moving quickly into the traffic ahead of them. It was a moment of grief for them all, but for Sam, it was the end of his world. While everyone else turned back to the car, Sam remained where he was, staring into the traffic where Jess and her parents had long disappeared into.

Dean looked over to his younger brother and felt his heartbreak. He didn’t know what to do to help him feel better; the kid had gone through so much in the last 6 months. He had to watch his idiot brother lay in a coma for over 3 weeks, he almost died and lost his father, and now Sam had to say goodbye to the love of his life, at least until he finished high school.   They promised to call each other every day, and take turns going to and from California to spend time with each other, but Dean knew all too well that long distance relationships never worked out. He had a girlfriend in high school, and like Jess, Cassie had to move away with her parents. They had made similar promises, but over time the calls became less and less until the calls just stopped. He couldn’t remember who made that last call. It was too many memories ago, but he knew how heartbroken he felt when he had to say goodbye, and then how faded their time together became as the weeks and months went on.

Movement caught his attention from the corner of his eye as he saw Gabriel take several steps towards Sam. He tugged at Gabriel’s arm, who turned in surprise to look at him. Dean shook his head and pointed to himself. He threw his keys to Castiel and whispered that he would meet them back at the house.

Castiel nodded reluctantly and gestured for the other two to get in the car. He nodded his approval and then turned back to Sam, he slowly moved to stand beside him, staring into the mass of traffic that was moving on ahead.

“Hey,” he greeted softly.

Sam didn’t turn to look at him, and for several minutes, he didn’t say anything either, just continued to stare out.  It made Dean jump when he finally did speak, “Dean, what happened with Cassie?”

That took him by surprise, and he stood watching his brothers face for a long moment, trying to find a way to say it without it sounding like it would happen to Sam and Jess too.

“We, umm,” he tried so hard to think of an easy way, but it was difficult.

“You drifted apart when she left, didn’t you?” Sam turned to look at him, the pain visible in the back of his eyes.

“Yes, No.. “ he stuttered,

“Dean, don’t try and sugarcoat it,” Sam said sternly, pulling his shoulders back and looking him directly in the eyes.

“Yeah Sam, but that won’t happen to you and Jess. You know that, don’t you? You and Jess are made of something stronger. You two love each other. I am not sure that Cassie and I ever did, we weren’t meant to be. You and Je-“

“Bullshit, I saw the way you two were with each other, the only time you seemed happy was when she was around.” Sam interrupted.

That was true, he felt better when she was around, but only because she distracted him from everything that was going on in his head and only when they were drinking and having sex.  Sam waited for his reply, staring at him, daring him to deny it.

“Sam that was different, Cassie was a distraction from what I had  going on in here.” He tapped his finger to the side of his head, “It wasn’t real, I never felt for her like… “He sighed. He might as well tell him. “I never felt anything close to what I feel for Cas when I was with her.” There he said it, it felt weird admitting it to anyone other than his psychologist; who had been happy with his emotional development to the point he allowed someone into his life; someone that Dean felt he could love.

Sam stared blankly for a second and then gave him a smile, distracting him momentarily from his own grief. “Oh, so it’s serious?” Sam asked him with a smirk.

Dean rolled his eyes and looked away feeling the heat rise in his cheeks, but then focused back on his brother. “Sam, you guys will see each other again, you will move out there to California. You will marry her, and I will be your best man, and you’re going to give me lots of nieces and nephews… and, if I thought for just one second, just one second that you two were drifting apart, everything would be packed up here, and I’d drag you over there myself; even though I couldn’t imagine a worse place to live, I’d make damn sure you guys stayed together.”

Sam snorted a laugh, and Dean was forced backwards by the weight of Sam as he threw his arms around him.  He returned the hug for a moment and then patted him on the back and pulled away. “No more talk about you and Jess drifting apart. Okay?”

Sam nodded, and Dean smiled in satisfaction, he turned and glance back to the car and realized the car was gone; the three men were gone with it.

“Son of a bitch, I forgot that I told them to go without us. I’m gonna call us a taxi.’

Sam shook his head as he smiled down at him; well at least he was smiling right?

He called the taxi, and they sat down and waited on a bench nearby, neither of them saying much.  

 

___________________________________________________

The next two weeks was the hardest in the house, Sam rarely left his room unless he was heading to school and for meal times, Easter went by without so much of a mention. Dean spent most of his time working, and when he wasn’t working, he was at the park watching people walk by. He watched as fathers played with their kids, remembering small things that his dad did with them and tried to not reflect on the differences that took place after his mom’s death. His grief was easing off, and he found himself laughing and smiling more often.

Bobby took Samandriel with him, to hide in his safe room, telling Sam and Dean that he was taking Samandriel hunting with Rufus and then he had to go back to his car junkyard because the business wouldn’t run itself. Both Sam and Dean were unhappy to see Bobby leave, but he promised to keep in touch.

By Sam’s birthday, he was feeling almost back to normal, and Sam was slowly coming out of his room more, he and Jess talked every night on the phone and texted each other through each day, but there was still sadness lying behind Sam’s eyes.

Dean set his alarm the night before Sam’s birthday, he wanted to be up before Sam so he could make him his birthday breakfast, and was really excited to give him one part of his gift, he hoped that it would brighten his brothers day.

So when the alarm went off, he first growled at the sound, wondering why it was going off so early, he didn’t have to be up until six thirty so why was it blaring in his ears at five thirty? He reached over to press the snooze until a hand stopped him. He glanced over his shoulder to Castiel, rather confused.

“Sam’s birthday, remember? You wanted to get up early.”

It took him a second to register what Cas was saying but then sat up quickly and swung his legs over the side of the bed, pushing himself onto his feet and moved quickly to the bathroom. He relieved himself and quickly washed his face to remove the sleep from his eyes and dried. He stepped out and picked up the first pair of pants he found on the ground and threw his legs into them as he moved, hopping on one foot and almost stumbling.

Cas stood at the door, trying not to laugh and Dean looked at him, confused, “What?” he asked. Castiel looked down at his legs, and he followed the direction and lost his balance, falling onto his ass with a thunk.

“You could have said something,” he pouted, Castiel shrugged but remained quiet as Dean pulled the sweater from his legs and picked up the pants that lay close to him and remained sitting as he pulled them on. He stood up and pulled them the rest of the way and grabbed Sam’s gift from the drawer and left the room. Castiel was still grinning as he followed him out and down to the kitchen.

Gabriel stood waiting in the kitchen; the ingredients were all laid out on the counter for him, ready to start fixing up the breakfast.  Gabriel stood to the side of him as he began cracking eggs; placing the contents into the bowl, whisking quickly.  

By the time he finished 4 plates were filled with pancakes and Sam stepped through the kitchen, groggy and still sleepy. He jumped as Gabriel and Dean shouted happy birthday, gesturing with their arms to a stool that had a plateful of pancakes and a gift sitting beside it.

Sam smiled as he moved to his seat, still blinking tiredly.

“Thank you,” he croaked out still thick from sleep.

Dean grinned, sitting beside him, and began cutting into his top pancake. “So birthday boy… what're your plans for today?” he asked cheerily.

“School,” Sam grumbled as he cut into his pancake, and then took a bite.

“Nah ah, it’s your birthday! You don’t have to go in today.” Dean reminded him.

Sam chewed thoughtfully before swallowing, “right.” He replied, lacking the usual enthusiasm.

Dean looked puzzled, “Hey, what’s up?” he shouldered him, becoming a little concerned.

“Nothing, just, Jess and I made plans, but she’s… “

Dean nodded and smiled. “Hey, open this.” He pushed the envelope closer until Sam picked it up and began opening it. He turned to Cas and Gabe, grinning and as he heard Sam whoop he turned back just as Sam lurched forward, almost taking both himself and Dean to the floor.

“Oh my god, thank you!” Sam replied, his voice muffled in Dean’s shoulder.

“Hey, hey, you’re welcome. You have Gabe and Cas to thank too, they chipped in.” Sam pulled back and stood up and first hugged Cas, who stood stiff and confused for a second before he smiled and returned the hug. “You’re welcome Sam.” Sam then moved around the counter to hug Gabriel who was beaming happily as he hugged him back.

“Okay, there are rules, Sam.” Dean looked at Sam pointedly, and Sam turned to look at him, unable to keep his face straight and nodded.

“You’re not going across the country on your own,” Sam was about to interrupt, and Dean held up his hand.

“No, hear me out. I can’t come with you because I have to work; I’ve taken so much time off already this year. So… Gabriel is going with you.”

Sam looked at Gabriel and grinned, and Dean continued. “ You gotta listen to what Gabe says while you’re there because you’re only seventeen. If he tells you a particular time to be back at the motel, you gotta be there alright?”

Sam nodded eagerly. “And lastly, you better enjoy yourself.” Dean started to grin, and Sam hugged him again before he took off out of the room and up the stairs.

“Well, that went well,” Dean said once he heard Sam’s door close; smiling and feeling smug.  Two weeks in California would do the kid some good, and it will give him and Jess something concrete to make plans for, he could also check out the university there.  At that last thought, Dean felt his stomach drop a little, realizing that soon enough Sam would want to move away to attend Standford, Sam would have his own life, and as much as Dean wanted so much for Sam to be happy and make something of his life, Dean would be alone. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he turned to find Castiel standing beside him, looking at him with concern,  Dean gave him his best smile to let him know he was alright.

Over the course of the day, Gabriel took Sam out for lunch, and Dean pretended that he felt sick to get out of work, he didn’t like to lie to Vince, the man had been kind to him, but he wanted to surprise Sam with his second part of the birthday gift.

He arrived home just after Gabriel and Sam left, and both he and Castiel attempted to put together the desktop computer they had all put in some money to pay for.  It took some time for them to work out where the leads went but an hour later, they were both standing smiling proudly at the working computer sitting on Sam’s desk.  He would have liked to have brought Sam a laptop instead, but they were really expensive, the desktop was half the price, but he made a mental note to save to get one for his brother's next birthday.

Castiel held a small, slim white metal box in his hand and held it up. “We still need to figure out where to put this.” he looked back at the computer and squinted his eyes, trying to work out just where it might fit into the whole thing.

Dean rolled his eyes, “This is the modem, it sits on his desk, and the telephone line goes into it… Wait… Where’s the folder that the guy gave us?” Dean looked around frantically trying to find the folder, it had the internet details that Sam would need so he could go online.  He tipped the contents of the boxes out and searched for it, but it wasn’t there. “Shit.” He breathed out feeling disappointed.

Castiel looked at him, “What’s wrong?”  he asked curiously.

“The folder isn’t here, I’m  sure I brought it up with us. Wait here.” Dean got off the floor and ran down the stairs into the kitchen. He breathed out in relief, the folder was still sitting on the counter. He picked it up and took it back up to Sam’s room and placed it on the desk. “Found it, we should let Sam figure that out. I’ve had enough of this thing.”  

Soon after they heard the front door open and the sound of Sam and Gabriel laughing as they came inside. Dean stood on the stairs and called out for Sam to join them upstairs.

When Sam and Gabriel reached him on the top of the stairs, he couldn’t contain his excitement. He pointed, then nodded to Sam’s bedroom, gesturing for him to go first.

Sam looked at him quizzically as he stepped around him to make his way into his room. He gasped the moment his eyes landed on his desk, and he stepped forward quickly, barely stopping as he reached the desk.

“Oh my god!” Sam exclaimed, sitting down on the chair and moving the mouse. The display flicked from screen saver to the desktop and Sam looked at the computer tower, then picked up the folder and opened it and found a CD to set up the internet. He remained quiet for a moment while the three men stood quietly behind him.

“So you like?” Dean asked, and Sam stood up and turned to face them, his eyes bright and smile wide.

“This is awesome, I really don’t know what to say.” His voice cracked, and Dean stepped forward and hugged him, “Glad you like it, Sam, you deserve it after the year you’ve had.” Sam returned his hug and for a second, buried his face in his shoulder and then pulled back, wiping his eyes.

“well, we will leave you to, umm, play with that.” Dean waved his hand towards the computer.  He smiled and moved to the door before adding, “Oh but Sam, no porn.” He gave Sam his best authoritative tone; which earned him an eye roll from his little brother. Gabriel laughed and clapped Sam on the back before leaving the room.  Dean waited for Castiel to step out of the room and then closed the door behind them, leaving Sam to explore his new computer. It wasn’t cheap, and he would be working overtime to pay his share of the computer, but the look on Sams' face was worth it. Of course, he could have used the money their dad left them, but he wanted to keep that in the account in case they really needed it. Besides that, he didn’t actually know the pin number for the account, not that he had tried yet, it would probably be something like his mom's birthday or even his birthdate, that was the usual numbers his father used in any case.

The rest of the month of May went by without any problems; everyone fell into their usual routine. Castiel would visit Dean at work each lunchtime, Sam, and Jess excitedly made plans for Summer break.  Gabriel still held the two angels he found outside Johns room captive, Balthazar had taken up residence in one of the rooms, in case they tried to break free, or an angel found their way to them. He was under orders to contact Gabriel or Castiel immediately. Gabriel regularly checked in on both the angels and Balthazar. He decided to keep them around in case he needed information that he hadn’t already asked. So far on the Angel and Demon front, nothing was happening. There was no demonic presence around the Winchesters, no more angels showing up either. It was as if they’d given up.

Castiel was too cautious and on guard, not believing for a second that they’d given up. He was prepared for any attacks that might come at them, but he tried to also enjoy his time with Dean and not worry so much. After Johns passing, they all agreed to say nothing to the Winchesters for the foreseeable future, if something began to stir they would revisit the decision and decide how and when to tell them.

_________________________________________

 

In mid-June, Dean and Castiel stood at the airport, watching the aeroplane take off with Sam and Gabriel safely inside of it. Dean hated planes, just being in the airport itself gave him chills but he stuck around to make sure Sam’s plane didn’t suddenly combust into flames. He made Sam promise on their mother's grave that he would text him the moment they stepped off the plane. Once the aeroplane was in the air and just a pin dot in the sky, he and Castiel left the airport and drove back to the house. Castiel explained that he had to go out for a little while and promised he wouldn’t be too long. So he was standing in the entry hall of the house, and it felt too quiet, almost haunted. It was the first time that the house was empty; except for him. It was creepy. He decided to go out the front and take a walk around the gardens, anything was better than sitting in the old creaky house on his own, besides it was warm out, he could catch a tan while he was out.

He began his walk towards the trees, and as he passed the garage he stopped and looked at it, he stepped towards it and opened one of the large doors and stared once again at the Impala.

This time there was no anger bubbling to the surface, and he strolled around the car, assessing the damage. He rubbed his hand over several of the dents and scratches noting that they were just cosmetic ones, it wouldn’t take much to sand it back; pull out the bigger dents and fill in the smaller ones.

He assessed the passenger door and window and mentally cataloguing the kind of work the door would need to fix it so it would look brand new again. He moved slowly to the front of the car and mentally noted that he needed to replace the headlights and possibly the grill. First of all, though, he would need to pull the front back out straight again to really see what else would be necessary.

He pulled out his mobile and dialled Bobby’s number, and moved around to the driver's side of the car, assessing what he would need to do to that side. The driver's side didn’t seem as bad, a few cosmetic scratches, and a few dents but nothing that would take more than a few hours work.

When Bobby picked up, he had assessed all of the damage, it would take about a month to fix, but it was definitely possible as long as he had the parts. 

“Hey Bobby, “ he said into the mouthpiece.

“ Everyone okay?” Bobby asked, sounding alarmed, why would he be worried?

“Yeah, everyone is fine, Sam’s in California with Gabe and Cas is out somewhere. Hey, you know back when we looked at the Impala, and you were going to order parts?”

There was a silence on the other end of the phone for a few seconds, and then Bobby replied back, sounding curious. “Yeah?”

“Do you have them? I was taking a look at the damage and it doesn’t seem all that bad.”

There was another moment of silence before Bobby replied again.

“Most of the parts we need are inside the trunk, but I have the front grill here, the one that’s on her is too far gone to be able to repair. I can bring it down in a couple of days.”

“Yeah, that would be great. I will ask Vince if I can borrow the engine hoist and we could pick it up when you’re here?” He felt a sudden thrill race through him, restoring the car would keep him busy but he wanted to bring her back to life, it’s what his dad wanted, wasn’t it? The way he had seemed hopeful when he mentioned the money being used to repair the Impala.

Bobby seemed excited about restoring her too, “sure, Okay then, I’ll be there in a couple of days. I gotta go, Rufus is staring at me like he wants to shoot me.”

Dean laughed, “Okay, I’ll see you then. “ he smiled and hung up.

He put his phone back into his pocket and tried to open the door of the driver's side. It was a little stiff, he had to pull it pretty hard to get it open, and once it opened, he bent down to check the hinges, finding one of them slightly bent, making the hinge too tight.

He looked up to the steering wheel and then onto the seat. There was glass covering every surface, so he stood back up and looked around the garage until he found a dustpan and brush and opened the back door and began clearing up the small pieces of shattered glass into the pan.

By the time he finished clearing up all the glass in both the back and front of the car, it was dark outside, and Castiel was standing quietly watching him; smiling.

“Oh, Hey Cas.” He said as he slid the last of the glass from the pan into the bin. “I thought I’d clean out the glass.” He explained as he moved back to the car and leaned down to peer inside, looking at the roof, then to the back of the seats.

He glanced at the front seats and shook off the memory that was trying to force itself to the front and centre from the night of the crash and stood back up.  Maybe it was the time that he called it a night with the car.

When he realized Castiel hadn’t said anything in response, he looked over to him, Castiel was still smiling, in fact, the smile was happier than he had seen in a long time and he moved over to him, curious to the reason why.

“What’s got you so happy?” he asked as he snaked his arms around Castiel’s waist.

“You.” Came his reply and that just made Dean more confused.

“Me? Why?”

“Seeing you out here, working on her. I know you were just cleaning her, but it’s good to see.”

“Okay, if that makes you happy then I should let you know that Bobby’s coming over in a few days and we’re going to start restoring her.” Dean paused and looked back at the car. “Dad would have wanted me to, “

Castiel nodded, “I’m sure your father would be happy that you’re doing this.”

“Yeah” Dean replied looking back at him, smiling. “He would be.” His stomach began to gurgle, and he laughed, “I think I need to eat, I forgot to eat anything at lunch and I’m starving.”  He put an arm around Castiel's shoulder and guided them both out of the garage, then shut the door.

“Hey, you wanna go to a bar? We can get some takeaway and then make a night of it, what do you think?” Dean asked, suddenly feeling like he wanted to go out somewhere, rather than stay at the house.

Castiel didn’t look so thrilled about the idea, “Aww, come on Cas, it will be fun! We have never gone out to a bar together, and well, it’s just the two of us in that big house. Come on, say yes… please?”

He could see that he had won, the moment Castiel looked away, a small smile playing on his lips.

He grinned. “Good, I’m gonna get washed up and put clean clothes on.” He kissed Castiel on the cheek and ran up the 4 steps to the house and pushed the door open, it still felt empty, but it was now dark also.

He flicked the lights on as he went past them and took two steps at a time up the stairs and began undressing before he reached his bedroom. By the time he got to the bathroom door he was naked, and he turned behind him to find Castiel missing.

“Hey, Cas!” He called out, then waited for a response, Castiel finally stepped through the bedroom door, and he grinned. “You coming or not?” Castiel smiled and began to strip off his clothes, and he watched him undress, feeling himself becoming aroused. If Cas took any longer, he wouldn’t make it to the shower, or even out of the bedroom, and then his stomach grumbled again, and he remembered why they were going out. He was hungry; well hungry for two different things now.

Finally, Castiel was completely naked and joined him at the bathroom door, and he stepped through and turned the taps on. He turned and pulled Castiel close to him, their body heat pressing together and he kissed him long and hard. By the time he pulled away the room was thick with steam and it was hot. He pulled the curtain back and stepped into the shower and pulled Castiel in behind him.

Cas pushed him against the tiles and kissed him hard, pressing against him. He loved it when they showered together, he loved how their bodies felt, slick with soap and water, but the rumble in his stomach began to give a sharp little knife pain, and he knew he needed to eat. Castiel heard the grumble of his belly and stepped back. “You have to eat Dean.” he looked at him sternly, his voice practically an order.

“Okay, fine, we will finish this later.” He said; grinning.

Castiel’s expression changed, and he gave a little smirk,  “I am counting on it.” Then picked up the shampoo and poured a generous amount into his hands and reached up and began lathering Dean’s hair.

Dean almost purred as a shiver of a different kind ran down his spine, the best feeling in the world, not counting sex, was Cas washing his hair. He closed his eyes, and if they weren’t in any hurry to go out, he would happily just stay there all night. “Okay, rinse,” Castiel ordered, interrupting his little buzz of relaxation, he almost whimpered when Castiel’s hands left his head, but he moved his head under the shower and rinsed his hair out.  By the time he could open his eyes, Castiel was already lathering his own hair with shampoo, and he felt a small disappointment that he couldn’t do it, but he stepped out of the way so Cas could rinse the shampoo out of his hair.

They stepped out the shower and dried, Dean tried to not watch Castiel because if he did, they definitely wouldn’t be leaving the room tonight. So he moved to the drawers and pulled out his best Jeans; the ones he kept for when he went out to the bars and a black short sleeved shirt.

He moved over to his side of the bed, dropping his towel and quickly dressing, still trying to avert his eyes until Dean heard the buckle of Castiel’s belt rattling. He knew it would be safe to turn and look at him. He was wrong. Castiel wore his ass hugging Jeans, but Dean had never seen him in the shirt he was wearing, it was tight like he could see his muscles in his upper arms, he followed his arms down to his forearms and watched as the muscle moved beneath his skin. He hadn’t actually seen them that way, maybe it was the shirt doing all kinds of things to him. He found it difficult to swallow.

The shirt was black, and it brought out the colour of his hair and his eyes looked darker. Dean licked his lips and forced himself to look away and pick up his keys and wallet from his nightstand and then sit on the bed to put on his socks and shoes.

They would have time later, he reminded himself almost like a chant in his head. He was actually excited also to be going out with Castiel, although the way he looked, he had a horrible feeling that he would be dealing with girls who would try and come on to Cas. Damn, maybe he should have given him a hickey, at least then they would know that Cas wasn’t available.

“Ready?” Castiel interrupted his thoughts, and he stood up, and turned to him, keeping his eyes at Castiel's eye level.

“Yeah, let’s go! Where do you wanna eat?” he asked as he walked through the bedroom door. He heard Cas following behind. “Anything you want, I don’t mind where we go,” Cas replied.

He waited for him at the front door, when Cas was beside him, “what about a burger joint? I know one close to the bar that we’re going to.”

“Sounds good.” Castiel smiled, and Dean leaned down and kissed him softly, flicking his tongue against his lips and then pulled back and opened the door and they stepped out into the warm summer night.

 

 


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean takes Castiel out for a ride in the impala for the first time and Castiel realises he has a kink for a certain mechanic working on a car smelling like car oil and grease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the lateness of this update, I have been suffering with a block with the fic, I still am to a certain extent, but i really wanted to get this chapter out.

**August 2000**

“Sam Brake!” Dean practically screamed as he watched in slow motion as the car crossing the intersection continued to pick up speed, ignoring the red light of the traffic lights.

Sam quickly planted his foot on the brake pedal, and Dean reacted just in time by putting his hands out on the dashboard of the car; to prevent him hitting it.

They both watched the manic driver continue until the car was out of view and he turned to Sam, feeling his heart racing and breathing heavily.

Sam, on the other hand, appeared relaxed, not even breaking a sweat as he put the car back into first gear and eased off the clutch and slowly moved across the intersection.

Sam was a good driver; he picked it up quickly, only stalling the car a couple of times, which impressed Dean.  He drove like he was born to do it and he was proud of his brother. He couldn’t say the same for the ass-hat who screamed through the lights, that’s for sure.

“What a fucking dick,” Dean grumbled as he righted himself properly. Okay, maybe he did freak a little, but he knew all too well what happens when people lose control of their cars; somebody dies.

Sam didn’t say anything; he just raised his eyebrows and smirked a little while changing gear, seeing that Sam wasn’t going to say anything on the matter of the total douche bag. He relaxed back again in his seat and let his brother take them into town.

He planned to give Sam the car the moment he passed his test now that he had the Impala finished.

It had taken a while to get the parts she needed; there was more extensive damage to her body and engine than he and Bobby first thought. She needed a new timing belt and chains, a new head for the engine block, new spark plug and leads. He practically stripped down the engine and rebuilt it from the ground up. The worst of the hunting down was finding genuine parts instead of generic replacements. Sure they would have worked, probably just as well but he wanted her as she should be; whole. She wasn’t going to be a Frankenstein monster kind of deal.  It was all worth it when he first turned the key, and the sweet rumble of her sparked to life. It felt so good sitting in the driver’s seat, feeling her raw power shudder through the whole car as he revved her up. 

However, He had a hard time pushing the memories away, just fleeting moments flashing before him when his father let him sit on his lap as a child and pretended to drive her, to the day his father finally let him drive her along a deserted country road when he was twelve years old.

He managed to shake them off the moment he shifted her into gear and took her out onto the open road, opening her up.  He left the windows down so he could feel the wind whip around him as she flew down it.

Sam moved into the parking lot, making sure he was straight and then turned to Dean grinning.

“So, how did I do?” he asked, knowing he had done well. Dean rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“You did well.” He praised anyway, he looked around the parking lot and then up to the sky, “we should probably head back though, it looks like it’s going to rain soon.”

Sure Sam had done well, but they hadn’t driven in the rain yet, and after that dick at the intersection, his nerves were a little frayed, and he didn’t have any nerves left to test out Sam’s ability to drive in the rain.

Sam’s smile faltered for a moment, but then he nodded and shifted into reverse, dropped the handbrake and carefully reversed out and left the parking lot.

Dean didn’t say much on the way back, he watched the clouds darken the streets, and lights were beginning to turn on, he just hoped that the rain would stay away until they got back. However, it seemed his luck was out, as they drew closer to their street, the sky opened up, it wasn’t just a little rain; no, of course, it wouldn’t be, Dean thought. It would have to be almost torrential. Sam slowed down, and Dean turned to look over to him. Sam was concentrating so much that his eyes were barely visible through slits.  It was almost comical as he watched Sam’s head sway with the window wipers, he would have laughed if he wasn’t trying to hide the anxiety he started to feel.  He hid his hands beneath his legs and gripped tightly, sure that his knuckles would be white if he were able to see them.

Sam almost missed the drive because all they could see was water running down the window shield, the wipers doing very little to remove it.

“Sam, ease off the gas slowly and apply a little pressure on the brake peddle, we’re just coming up to the drive… somewhere.” He instructed. Sam nodded and did what he was told, but suddenly braked hard as they drifted past the drive.

Dean gripped the underside of his legs a little tighter and felt the sting; he would need to explain to Sam about slipping if he pressed the brakes too quickly, or a car hitting them from behind. Dean looked over his shoulder to see if there were any cars behind them and judging by the fact there were no blurred lights, there wasn’t anyone behind them.

Sam reversed back slowly and then pulled into the drive and carefully made their way up to the front of the house. Dean let out the breath he had no idea he was holding the moment the car came to a complete stop, and the engine was turned off.

“That was good Sam, but don’t brake suddenly in this weather, if a car was behind us, they would have hit us.”

“Dean, I made sure there were no cars behind us,” Sam argued seeming insulted by the idea that he hadn’t paid attention to that.

Dean held up his hands in defeat and smiled, very relieved to be home and stationary. “Okay, okay. Just saying.”

He looked out the window, trying to see through it but they were steaming up fast now that the engine was shut off and the de-mister was no longer running.

“I guess we better get out.” He said, not looking forward to the drenching they were about to have.

“Or we can sit here for a while and talk?” Sam offered.

Dean looked over at Sam and noticed how apprehensive he was.

“What’s up?” he asked, curious.

“Jess and I were talking last night,” he started, but then paused.

“Yeah, what’s new about that, you talk every night?” Dean asked,

“Well, we talked about, well… Dean, I want to go there and see her again. I know I was only there a few months ago, but summers almost over and I miss her and, and her mom said it would be fine for me to stay with them. It would be only a couple of weeks nothing longer, and I have that money still that dad gave me for my birthday, I could buy my ticket with that and pay for what I need when I’m there.” Sam abruptly stopped and stared pleadingly at Dean.

Dean took a minute to catch up with what Sam had said, he had said it so fast that he thought he might have missed half of it.

“You want to go see Jess, is that what you’re asking?”

“Yes,” Sam said simply,

“And her parents are good with you staying with them?” He asked again, to make sure he heard right.

“Yes. I know that you wanted us to go camping but, we can go when I’m back, maybe on the weekend during a long weekend. I won’t’ get to see Jess again until maybe Christmas. Can I go?”

Dean hesitated; he wasn’t comfortable with leaving Sam to go there on his own. Of course, he was seventeen, and he trusted him but, it was still worrying. What if something happened while he was over there on his own or what if he was stranded at the airport?

“Dean, Please, I’ll be fine, you know, you’re going to have to let me do things on my own at some point. I’m eighteen next year. I’ll be moving there when I go to Stanford. You trust me, right?”

He hesitated again, but he looked into his brother's eyes and knew if he said no, he would never forgive him. True also that he would have to let his brother go, he couldn’t make him stay with him forever. He licked his lips and looked out the front window.

“Fine. You can go, I don’t like it much, but I’m going to have to get used to it. “ He turned in the seat and gave Sam his most authoritative tone. “You better call me every night, because if I don’t hear from you, I will take the first flight over there and don’t smirk at me. Being afraid of flying doesn’t come close to my fear of something happening to you. So you better promise me, now.”

Sam was smiling broadly and nodded his head. “Yes, I promise.”

“Good. “ Dean conceded and turned to open his door, “The rain is easing off, we should get inside before it starts up again.”

As they entered the house, Sam ran up the stairs as Castiel came through from the kitchen, looking concerned as he watched Sam race up the stairs, then looking back at Dean with one brow raised. Dean shook his head, “I’ll tell you later.” He said, watching his brother take the last step.

“So did you finish your errand? “He asked Cas.

Castiel nodded but didn’t explain anything further;  it bothered him a little that Castiel kept a tight lid on what he was doing when he disappeared.  He guessed that it was something to do with Samandriel and so he shook it off and walked through to the kitchen, glancing around and found they had the room to themselves. He smelt before he saw the fresh coffee and stepped over to pour himself a mug, he needed it after being out with Sam and that douche bag almost wiping them out.

“so, where’s  Gabe?” he asked as he turned around, leaning against the counter.

Castiel shrugged his shoulders, “he said he had something to do and left not long ago.”

Dean grinned over the top of his mug, after taking a small sip.

“So except for Sam, we’re alone?”

Castiel shook his head, “Balthazar is here.”

He groaned; it wasn’t that he disliked the guy, he just was so dry with his sense of humour, he wasn’t sure whether he was meant to laugh or take offence and sock him. “Fine, well I’m going to work on Baby, you wanna come and keep me company?”

Castiel looked at him puzzled, “I thought you had restored her?

Dean nodded, “Yeah, she’s finished, but I wanna take one last look at her. Sam takes his test in a few weeks, and before I give the keys to my car to him, I wanna make sure Baby is good to go.  Come on, just humour me.” He asked but already pushing himself away from the counter and placed his mug in the sink.

“Alright,” Castiel replied as he gestured for Dean to go first and Dean smiled and walked through the arch of the kitchen, making sure to take his jacket from the bannister and throwing his arms into it before he stepped outside the house.

The rain appeared to have almost stopped, and he inhaled the fresh air that it brought with it.  He turned when he heard the front door shut and grinned; He wanted to take Baby out for a spin with Castiel, this would be the first time anyone, but he had been in her since she was fixed up and it would give them some alone time with no interruptions.

They made their way into the garage, and he opened both the doors of the garage and then gestured for Castiel to get into the passenger side of the car. Castiel obediently stepped to the passenger side but stood looking over at him curiously.

 

“I just decided, we’re going for a drive.” He declared, and he bent down and slid into the driver's seat and then waited for Cas to get in. He started the engine and felt the swell of emotions in his chest, his hands running over her steering wheel, feeling the vibrations run through his fingers once again.

He eased out of the garage and moved slowly down the drive and out onto the road. He navigated the streets easily but carefully, the earlier event with the other car still making him feel a little uneasy but then they were on an open stretch of country road, and he relaxed taking his one hand off the wheel and then leaned further into the seat. Castiel had remained quiet since he stepped into the car and he looked over at him, finding him looking out the front window.

“So, what’s up?” he asked cheerfully, Cas looked over and smiled also.

“Nothing, why would you think there was?” Castiel asked, seeming now a little confused.

“Well, you’ve been quiet since we left, it seems like something is on your mind.” He replied.

“I was just enjoying the view,” Castiel replied, his full attention now on him, a gleam in his eye which made Dean’s mouth dry a little and he licked his lips to moisten them.

“You’ve seen the view hundreds of times.” He replied, snorting a little.

“No, you misunderstand the view I was enjoying.” Dean took his attention away from the road again to glance back over at Castiel; his expression was slightly off, but not in a  bad way. It was a way that made Dean’s heart skip a beat.

He grinned none the less, “You’ve also seen this view hundreds of times too.” He responded and returned his attention to the road, there was a lookout up ahead, and he just needed to be careful going up the winding, bending roads to get to it. He shifted to a lower gear and indicated to turn off the long stretch of road and slowly navigated the impala up the winding road until they reached the top.

The car lot was empty; he suspected the rain had lessened the desire to go up to the lookout, and he was thanking any of the gods that were working on his side. He eased the car into the parking space that had the best view of the world below the point and shut off the engine and turned himself to face Castiel as much as he could in the restraints of the driver's seat.

“What about this view?” He gestured out the front of the window but kept his eyes on Castiel, who was taking in the sight in front of him.

“It’s beautiful, ” Castiel breathed out, which made Dean believe that Cas had never been to a lookout before.

“Yes, it is. “Dean replied, still watching Castiel, even though it was darkening quickly outside, Castiel’s eyes seemed bright in contrast. He unfastened his seatbelt and slowly shifted over to the other man, but suddenly feeling nervous. It had been a while since he had taken anyone to a lookout, and even though he and Castiel had now been together for over eight months, it felt new being in the Impala, doing this for the first time.  What if Cas didn’t want to do anything in the car? He had never made any moves in either of their cars before. They had barely kissed Inside and only briefly touched.

He started to lose his nerves, and he hadn’t paid attention to the man beside him, who was suddenly crushing their mouths together, his hot tongue flicking out.

He moaned at the feel of his tongue, and his apprehensions all but forgotten as his hands automatically raked through Castiel's hair, and he moved to straddle the other man.

The light dimmed outside and the windows fogged up quickly, Dean and Castiel climbed over the seats trying to keep their lips locked together, which wasn’t easy.

Dean stumbled and fell back against the back seat, and Castiel hovered over him, Dean couldn’t help but think that Castiel looked dangerous in the darkness; with only a glint of light illuminating his skin. His eyes were hard to see, and Deans eyes moved down to watch as Castiel removed his belt and then leaned towards him, capturing his mouth again.

He groaned into the kiss and pushed off Castiel’s coat, planning to use it as a shield so if anyone who strolled by wouldn’t see what they were doing; even though it was obvious what they were doing; people didn’t sit and do nothing at lookouts.

 

  Condensation began to run down the windows as their breaths filled the damp air and turned to moisture. Dean let out a guttural moan as he felt cool fingers slide down between his abdomen and jeans and softly stroked the length of his quickly growing erection, he threw his head back, giving access to his neck and closed his eyes. Castiel’s other hand nimbly unzipped his jeans, freeing him and he felt the cold air hit his now slick with precum cock, and he kept his eyes closed but bucked his hips up when Castiel stopped to remove his pants and tossed them onto the front seat.

It wasn’t the most comfortable place to have sex; both being longer than the seat but they made it work. Not long after Dean was withering under Castiel; close to his orgasm while Castiel thrust quickly losing his rhythm.

Castiel must have sensed Dean’s orgasm coming and firmly gripped his cock and quickly brought him over the edge as he heard Castiel's groans of pleasure and slowing of his thrusts until they laid still, looking into each other's eyes.

Castiel unexpectedly brought up his hand and pushed on Dean’s nose, “Boop”  he said with a grin, and he couldn’t do anything but laugh.

“Boop?” he asked through deep breaths, “what the hell is that?” he asked. Castiel shrugged but kept his weight on Dean; he liked it like this; feeling the weight of Castiel on him, pressing him into the seat; he felt safe and warm.  It felt too cold when Castiel finally heaved himself up, and they both stumbled around trying to sit up.

They both remained in the back seat and looked out over the town,  which was illuminated now by street and house lights. It was beautiful, and Dean could imagine families sitting down for their dinners, locked away in their warm homes, safe and happy;  the way it was when he was a kid. He shook his head to brush away the memories and looked over to Castiel, who had been watching him intently.

 

“We should head back, if Gabriel isn’t back, Sam will be on his own, worrying about where we are.”  He pulled on his Jeans; ignoring his underwear and climbed back over to the front seat, Castiel followed soon after. He turned the ignition and sighed at the rumble of her engine; he reversed out and drove them back to the house.

They arrived back to the house and found Gabriel and Sam in the kitchen eating dinner. Dean picked up his plate and moved to sit beside Sam. They spent most of the night sitting at the table, laughing and talking, Sam excitedly telling them the plans he and Jessica had talked about most of the evening.  Dean looked over and caught Castiel’s attention and smiled contentedly, although he was worried that Sam was going to be over in California on his own for the two weeks, he had to remind himself that Sam was growing up, and it was something he had to get used to. Still, it was hard letting go. He worried like a mother and felt the pride of a father.   He turned his attention back to Sam and listened, but somewhere at some point, he stopped listening and instead was reflecting back to small moments in their childhood. Sam’s excitement when he first rode his bike without stabilizers, all three of them; Mary, John and himself standing there clapping and cheering as he rode back to them.   The first time he had timidly knocked on Dean’s door and asked him if it was normal for his voice to crack.   John was out of town, and Dean sat him down and explained puberty to him, and then to the first day of high school. He had been through all those milestones with his brother, and he never thought of a time when he wouldn’t be there for him, until now.

He shook his mind clear, cleared his throat and stood up emptying the last of the beer he had been nursing for over an hour and explained that it was late and he wanted to take a shower and go to bed. He looked towards Castiel; who was looking at him with concerned etched into his features. He gave a reassuring smile and then leaned down to whisper in his ear. “I’m fine; I just need to take a shower, will you be coming up soon? “

Castiel nodded, and he patted the man on the shoulder and stepped out the kitchen and up to his room. He didn’t take long in the shower, drying quickly and sliding under the blankets.  

He fell asleep quickly and didn’t wake up when Castiel entered the room and slid under the covers.

Castiel smiled and pulled Dean closer, snaking one arm under his head and the other around his waist. He kissed him gently and leaned his cheek against Dean’s head.

Something was bothering Dean, he was sure of it, but he would let him deal with it, if Dean needed to talk, he would talk.

They had other things to worry about, if the two angels who Gabriel held captive were right, then they would need to keep their guards up. Gabriel agreed to watch over Sam while he was in California and he was going to watch over Dean while Balthazar scouted around to find out if it was all true. What the angels said just didn’t add up. They were too confident, maybe trying to keep themselves alive, maybe to gain some time hoping they would be rescued by other angels.

He sighed, time would tell, for now, they could do nothing but wait for any signs that it was true.

 

 

________________________________________________________________________

 

It was a week later, Gabriel and Sam were in California, and Castiel stood in the corner of the garage, staying out of sight from everyone who was in the garage as he watched over Dean as he worked.  It probably would be boring for someone else but, where Castiel was currently standing, he had a perfect view. Dean was bent over a car, reaching down deep in the engine bay and with every move, he made to tighten the bolt, his rear moved side to side, and for the last thirty minutes, Castiel had imagined all kinds of things he would like to do with him in that position. He patiently awaited Vince to leave. Dean was working overtime, which meant he would be the only one in the garage once it was closed down for the day and Castiel was anticipating the moment he could move up behind Dean and fulfil one of his newly formed fantasies. Now, he had always prided himself on his patience, but today, his patience was waning quickly, and the straining bulge in the front of his pants was becoming increasingly uncomfortable as each minute clicked by. Which seemed to be going by slower with each second, but finally he glanced over to Vince he shouted his goodbye to Dean, adding that he’d see him in the morning and he listened out to hear the door in the back to click closed. 

He pulled off his trench coat and left it folded on the workbench beside him, then pulled off his tie as his eyes kept the focus on Dean’s rear. He put the tie on top of his trench coat and stepped behind Dean. He had to be careful because he didn’t want Dean to injure himself if he jumped up, by his quick assessment if that happened Dean would hit the hood of the car, and it would probably ruin it all. So he waited until Dean stood up again to stretch his back.  He peered over Deans' shoulder to watch his hands as he expertly placed another bolt into the fan he was currently reattaching to the engine. His hands covered in oil and grease, then frowned as Dean caught his knuckle on a sharp piece of metal that was close to where his hands were. Dean stood up, letting out a string of curse words and examined his knuckle.

Castiel chose that time to materialize just behind Dean and pulled his hips. As he expected, Dean jumped and made a sound of surprise before sending out another string of curse words.

“Jesus Christ Cas!” Dean shouted, looking annoyed.

Castiel didn’t say anything; he kept his hands on Dean’s hips to prevent him from turning around and pressed himself against him.

Dean turned his head to look over his shoulder at him. “Cas, I gotta get this finished before I leave tonight,” he protested, but Castiel ignored him and found the spot just behind Dean’s ear, and kissed, flicking his tongue then breathed hot air over the same place. He felt Deans body shudder and he pressed himself a bit closer.

Dean groaned and picked up the wrench he was working with and tossed it into the toolbox that lay open on the floor beside the car.

“Fuck it; the thing can wait.”  Dean attempted to turn on the spot, but Castiel kept him pinned where he was.

Castiel breathed close to Dean’s ear,  “I’ve been thinking about you all day, “ he breathed out, feeling another shudder through Dean’s body and that just spurred him on.

“About taking you here, while you’re working.” He continued in a low tone.

Dean moaned, and that went straight down to his already fully hard erection. He lowered his head and scraped his teeth against Dean’s pulse, wanting to bite down but restrained himself from doing so, he wasn’t entirely sure how Dean would like it, and he didn’t want the mood ruined.

He snaked one hand around and cupped Dean in the front of his pants and almost lost it, he tried to control his breathing, and maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to watch him for the best part of the day imagining all those things. He felt more aroused than he ever had and he wasn’t sure if he liked it or not, there was losing control, and then there was losing total control of his senses, and that probably wouldn’t be the best thing to do since they were in Dean’s workplace.

 He bent his head and nuzzled Dean’s neck because the smell of the grease from working on the cars all day mixed with the natural scent of him was doing something to him. It was making him feel more human than he was when he was human, and he pressed harder against him, needing the friction.

He scraped his teeth against the skin beneath his mouth and then moved to whisper in Dean’s ear again, finding it hard to talk as other instincts of the vessel took over.

“You smell so good, Dean.” He managed to say, his voice just a rumble in the back of his throat, he glanced down and watched Dean’s throat as he swallowed, his Adam apple moving up and down.  Dean groaned and pushed back against him, and he let out an involuntary moan of his own.

He reached around to the front of Dean’s overalls and began unzipping it slowly while he kept his hips pressed against his backside while he inhaled the mixed fragrance. Dean’s eyes fluttered closed, and his head slowly fell back and turned to give Castiel his neck.

Castiel sighed in relief when the zip couldn’t go any further, and he slowly pulled the overalls back over Dean’s shoulders, kissing and nipping a little lower on his collarbone.

Once the overalls were down and fell hanging on his hips, Castiel moved to the front, slowly unbuttoning his belt, and then the button of his Jeans. 

Dean turned his head and moved slowly to kiss him as he slipped his hands beneath the now loose Jeans;  smiling when he found his partner already completely hard. He ground himself onto Dean, causing an involuntary moan to escape his lips and he deepened the kiss, as he pulled Dean’s Boxers, jean’s and overalls down past his hips and then moved around to massage Dean’s ass.

Dean was pressing himself back and then bucking forward slightly, impatiently waiting for something to happen. He pulled his mouth away and looked at Castiel, looking slightly impatient with a hint of warning to stop wasting time.

He took the hint and quickly turned Dean around and dropped down to his knees and took his erection into his mouth, Dean moaned louder and fisted Castiel’s hair. 

Castiel moaned appreciatively and swirled his tongue, the smell of the grease still entering his nostrils causing his erection to strain against the restrictive fabric of his pants.

He pulled off and slid two fingers into his mouth and carefully wet them to make sure they were covered in saliva and returned his attention to Deans cock, while he carefully worked him open. Dean was close, he could feel the tightness in his testicles, and he pulled off; not wanting Dean to cum yet and then slowly stood to kiss Dean before then turning him around and bending him, so Dean was leaning over the hood of the car. He stroked himself a few times and carefully and slowly guided his erection, holding his concentration, his instincts to slam into him was becoming too hard to ignore, but he had to do this, they had no lubrication, and it would hurt Dean, and this is what he kept reminding himself about.

It was excruciatingly slow, but he breathed out, finally bottoming out and then he waited for Dean to adjust. Dean became impatient and pushed back against him. He gripped Deans shoulder with one hand and the other smoothing down his back until he reached his hip and began a slow and leisurely pace to start with, and then quickened up.

Dean gasped and moaned into the engine bay, and Castiel watched him as he pounded into him; the smell of the garage and the feel of Dean wrapped around him caused him to lose his rhythm. He cursed as he felt the sudden loss of control and he stiffened, lights flashed in front of his eyes as the waves of pleasure shot through him, he continued to slam into Dean, targeting his prostate. He was rewarded when he heard Dean moan and a string of profanity that ended with his name filled the silence of the garage. He rode through his orgasm while he reached around and began to bring Dean through his orgasm.

Dean groaned and slumped forward again, and Castiel kissed a path down his back as he slowly pulled out; regretting that he hadn’t thought about the mess that Dean would have to deal with after.  Dean slowly stepped back and pulled up his Jeans and turned around while he held them closed with one hand.

“Well, I guess I need to take a shower.” He said quietly, a relaxed glazed look in his eyes as he smiled.  Castiel felt a little guilty, “I didn’t think about that before-“ Dean held up his hand and laughed. “I’m glad you didn’t, so you have some kink for fucking a grease monkey?”

Castiel looked at him confused. “Monkey? Why-?” Dean rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“Never mind. You should come more often. “ He grinned and walked past him towards the back room where the showers and lockers were.

Castiel just watched him for a moment, still trying to work out what he meant, but eventually shrugged and followed him into the locker room.

“Hey come shower with me, I figure you should since you’re the reason I have to shower. “

Castiel smiled and undressed, “I suppose I should.” He replied with a fake sigh.

He joined Dean in the shower,  the shower area reminded him of the ones at the bunker, and it saddened him just a little, the life that was; but would never be.

 As much as he was pleased with how Dean was coming along, how much happier he was now,  he did miss parts of the old life.   With how everything was going with the angels and demons, it seemed like an easier life in the other timeline. At least they had already past this part, and it was behind them.  Here, now, it was still to come, and he was concerned because they had no idea what was going to come. He looked up to find Dean watching him, a slow smile spreading across his features and he quickly forgot what was to come and pulled Dean towards him and kissed him deeply.

 This; what was between them,  was better than what they had, and at that moment in time, he wouldn’t change a single thing.

 


	29. Chapter 29

** 2nd November 2000 **

 

“Dean come on!” Sam shouted up the stairs, Dean sighed, adjusted and tightened his tie and looked in the mirror. This year felt heavier like his heart was sinking to the bottom of his stomach.

One year had gone by, and in that year, he had fought with his father, unsuccessfully tried to take his life and then John died. Every year had been hard to visit Mary’s grave; especially looking over his shoulder to see if their father would join them. Not this year though, this year their father was there, his ashes were mixed with a small patch of the earth on their mother's grave, he wouldn’t show up unexpectedly, no. This year they were visiting both their mom and dad, laying flowers for both of them, talking to both of them.

The day came too quickly for him, and he stared at his reflection; taking in the bruised- dark looking skin beneath his eyes. The nightmares had escalated over the week. His father was now lying dead beside his broken mother's body in the grass, eyes open and vacant while he and Sam knelt down beside them, begging them both to wake up. He woke up crying with Castiel’s arms around him, his fingers gently stroking Dean’s hair.

 He tore his eyes away from his face and patted down the suit jacket and felt the material become restrictive. He fought against the sudden urge to loosen his tie and felt hands lightly rest on his shoulders, he looked back up to his reflection and found Cas standing behind him, looking at him through the reflection in the mirror.

Dean offered a small smile and raised his hand and patted one of the hands on his shoulder and then nodded in the direction of the door.

“We should go.” He murmured, his heart still pressing deeply into his stomach; he turned towards the door.

“Dean?”

Dean turned to find Castiel hadn’t moved but was looking at him, his eyes filled with concern.

“Yeah?” he asked, one eyebrow raised.

Castiel paused for a moment, appearing to consider his words before he spoke.

“Are you sure you want me to come with you? This is something private for you and Sam-“

“Cas, I need you there, it isn’t about wanting you there... I don’t think I could do this if you weren’t.”

Castiel appeared satisfied by his answer, nodded once and moved towards him at the door.

“Okay, then I’ll be with you the whole way.” He smiled gently and gestured for Dean to step through the door.

Dean turned and inhaled deeply, then stepped out into the hallway and made his way down the stairs to where Sam was impatiently waiting.  Today was hard for Sam too; he knew that it would be, he was still plagued by the decision John had made not to tell them about his illness and those words that were now left forever unspoken. 

He patted Sam on the shoulder and smiled encouragingly, wishing he could make it easier for him.

Sam returned his smile, and they stepped out into the crisp morning air, pulling their jackets tighter to themselves.  It was colder than they had expected, but they both decided that going in the morning would be easier than their usual afternoon visit; lessen the reminder that John wouldn’t turn up without warning.

 They strode to the Impala and slid inside, Sam riding in the front with Dean while Castiel sat in the back.

It was a quiet trip to the cemetery; no one wanted to break the silence.  Sam didn’t reach for the radio, and neither did Dean.  He needed the quiet to keep him focused on getting through the visit, needed it like it was the oxygen in his lungs, and as he glanced over to his brother, he realized that he needed it too.

They spent an hour at the cemetery, just standing in front of her headstone and Johns memorial plaque;  talking about times they remembered with both their parents, Castiel stood quietly beside Dean and listened to them. Dean included Castiel, explaining things that Castiel appeared confused about.

 It didn't feel as bad as he thought it would, and he wasn't sure if that was because he had Cas by his side, just knowing he was there gave him more strength, and in turn, his strength seemed to give Sam more. It still hurt knowing that neither his mom or dad was with them anymore, but maybe John and Mary were together where ever they were, perhaps they were both finally happy together.  

After they had left the cemetery, they went out to the diner so they could have something to eat and Sam used the restroom to change into something more suitable for school. He had tried to convince Sam to take the rest of the day off to relax, but Sam refused to; pointing out that if he wanted to get into Stanford, he needed to keep his grades up.

While Sam changed clothes inside the restroom Castiel slid out of the bench seat opposite him and sat beside him.

“Are you alright?” he asked gently, placing his hand over his own one. Dean looked down at his hand, feeling the comfort through the warmth of Castiel’s skin and smiled.

“Yeah, I’m good.  It’s a relief to have it behind us; I think it’s been as hard for Sammy as it has been for me.  I don’t believe he wants to go to school today because of grades; I think he wants the distraction from today. I’m not sure if this will ever get easier, but maybe we can do something to make them proud. Where ever they are, I hope they’re happy.” He trailed off, feeling the familiar prickle in the corner of his eyes and the back of his nose, he wouldn’t cry, he had promised himself that he wouldn’t let himself sink into more depression.

 

Tears wouldn’t change the past, it could only make the present and future less bearable, and so he turned away from Castiel and looked out the window while he wiped away the beginning of the tears from the corner of his eyes.

Castiel squeezed his hand and then slid back out from the bench, and he turned to find him settling back on the bench opposite him as Sam sat back down.

“Hey, I was thinking, maybe we could watch a movie and have pizza this weekend?” Sam suggested; sounding more like himself.

Dean nodded and smiled at his little brother, “sure, sounds good.” He answered, feeling a bit better than he had a few seconds before.’

“Okay, well I’ve almost missed the first period, if we leave now, I’ll be on time for my next class,” Sam replied picking up his bag. Dean slid out of the booth and waited for Castiel to stand, and they left the diner.

They dropped Sam to school and then drove back to the house,  he planned to go to work but Vince told him to take the day off, Dean tried to convince him that he would be alright to work but his boss wouldn’t accept his offer to return to work.

 

 

Castiel had apologized and explained that he had to go out for a few hours, which left him standing in the house; the place was quiet since everyone was busy doing whatever it was that they did. He sighed into the emptiness of the hall and went upstairs to his bedroom. He slumped down on the bed and noticed the Guitar resting against the wall. He picked it up and began playing with it, messing with different tunes until he found himself playing the song he had been practising for months, and he smiled and began to sing along softly.

♫And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain♫

♫Don't carry the world upon your shoulders♫

♫For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool♫

♫By making his world a little colder♫

♫Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah.♫

By the end of the song, he felt the wetness on his cheek and realized he had been crying, he wiped his cheek and looked at the picture that sat on his side cupboard. He could hear her voice singing softly as she sang him to sleep as a four-year-old boy, kissing him on the cheek and then turning off his light.

He wished for the days when life felt safe like back then, when his mom was alive and downstairs washing the dishes, and hearing his father come through the door; Sam already asleep in his crib. Those days were gone, his mom was gone and so was his dad. He was now the sole carer of Sam.

He pushed down the thoughts that were trying to surface, the ones that blamed him for her death, the ones that told him that he left his brother without their mom. He put the guitar aside and opened the drawer of his side cupboard and took out the notebook and pen.

He began to write down how he felt as directed by Dr Marks and then adding beside each thought a positive countering one.

_“It was my fault”  - “ I was thirteen, there was nothing I could do.”_

_“It was all my fault” “ Dad should have let mom drive, I had no control over his decision not to let her.”_

He continued to write them down until they faded away, he had rolled his eyes at the idea of writing down his thoughts and adding a positive response at the time, it didn’t seem likely it would work, and for a while, it didn’t. It just seemed so pointless, the voice in his head refused to let him write anything but the beliefs of it being his fault, but as the days went by, he found it becoming easier to counter those thoughts.

Some days it was still hard, and he would end up smudging the written thoughts with his tears, but most of the time, it did help steady him.

He read the positive counter words several times, almost like a silent chant and then placed the book back into the side cupboard.

It wasn’t his fault; he was just a child, his father would never have listened to him.  He accepted that for the most part but out of habit when things reminded him of her, his mind would instantly blame himself.

He pushed himself off the bed and headed downstairs, it was close to lunchtime, and there was still no one but him at home. He pulled out some Ham, bread, butter, and cheese and made himself a sloppy quick sandwich and then moved into the lounge room and slunk down into the comfortable lounge, and picked up the remote and turned on the TV that Gabriel had brought the week before. The room had become one of his favourite places to sit. Sure, the theatre was great, but it was just too big for one person to sit and watch TV; it was hard to relax when he was on his own or with Cas.

He flicked channels until he found Dr Sexy and settled down to watch the episode.  It wasn’t a channel or program he thought he would ever watch and liked. If someone had told him six months before that he would like the soap opera, he would have laughed in their faces. Daytime TV was for older people, mainly women, but he couldn’t deny that Dr sexy was hot.

By the end of the episode, he was asleep, remote held limply in his hand, his plate dangerously close to falling off his chest and his mouth hanging open.

That’s how Castiel found him an hour and a half later,  he stood at the door of the room and watched him sleep and smiled, Dean looked peaceful, but also looked like he would be aching when he woke up. He reluctantly moved into the room and gently shook Dean to wake him, it took a little while to rouse the man from sleep, but when Dean finally woke up, he looked confused and glanced around himself and then up to Castiel.

Castiel chuckled and picked up the plate that was sliding slowly off his chest, and Dean sat up.

“Wh-what time is it?” Dean asked as he rubbed his eyes, squinting.

“It’s almost time to pick up Sam from school.” He replied as he sat down beside Dean.

“Damn, should’ve dropped him back here, he could have taken his car,” Dean grumbled.

“I can pick him up if you want to stay here and sleep longer?” Castiel offered, but Dean shook his head and began to sit up properly.

“No, I’ll get him; I must have been asleep for over 2 hours.” Dean squinted at his watch.

“You haven’t been sleeping well; I suppose your body needed to catch up.”

Dean nodded and leaned forward, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

“Were you okay being here alone?” Castiel asked.

He turned his head to look at him and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I?” Castiel just watched him for a moment longer before standing up,  “ I weren’t sure if you’d be okay being on your own today…” he trailed off when Dean looked at him again with a look to say “Don’t baby me.” He smiled, “Want some coffee?” he knew that would perk the man up, and he turned before Dean had a chance to answer him and went through to the kitchen.

He pulled a new filter out of the box and placed it into the coffee maker as he heard Dean come through the arch of the kitchen and then measured off the coffee, added water to it and turned it on.

He felt arms snake around his waist and Dean’s cheek rest against his, and he stayed where he was.  

He liked it when Dean showed this kind of gentle affection, it meant that Dean was happy and content and he leaned his head against Dean’s.

“So, while I was here, bored, what were you doing?” Dean’s breath brushed against his ear, and he held back the tiny shiver that ran down his spine.

He had to think quickly of an answer, but he couldn’t’ think of anything except, “ I was searching for gifts for Christmas.” He knew it was a weak excuse and closed his eyes, hoping Dean would buy it.

Dean was quiet for a moment but then laughed, “Cas, it’s November, there is a whole month and a half to go before Christmas.”

He breathed out a sigh of relief and gave a forced throaty laugh and nodded, “I know, but I wanted to find something you’d like instead of rushing.”

Deans arms tightened around his waist as he looked over his shoulder; glancing at the coffee maker, “You know I’d love anything you got me.” and then kissed his cheek.

Castiel turned slowly in his arms and looked up at Dean; smiling when he saw the spark in Dean’s very green, no longer blurry and tired eyes. “I know, but I wanted to.” He leaned up and kissed him to cut off any more conversation about his fake trip for Christmas gifts.

He pulled away as he heard the water stop dripping into the glass jug of the coffee machine, he stepped over to a cupboard to get a clean mug for Dean and then poured the fresh coffee into it.

“You have to hurry up, or Sam won’t be happy that you made him wait.” He reminded him.

Dean took the cup and blew into it; keeping his eyes on Castiel as he took a small sip of the hot liquid.

He didn’t like lying to Dean, they had already lied to him and Sam more than they should have, and a tiny sliver of guilt seeped into his conscious mind. Dean noticed the change and his eyebrows drew together over the rim of his cup.

“Are you alright?” He asked. Castiel pushed the thought aside and smiled. “ Yes, I forgot to mention that a letter arrived today, someone is coming out for a home visit to see if you’re coping okay on the twenty-first of November.” He watched as Dean’s eyes turned stormy.

“They’ve checked up on me four times this year. Why the hell do they need to come here again?” Dean’s tone sounded partly angry but also exasperated.

Castiel reached forward and took one of Dean’s hands gently into his, causing the other man to adjust the cup, and he squeezed it lightly. “When you first left the hospital, they did say they would be visiting once per month; four times is far less than it would have been if they did come when they said they would.”

Dean put the cup down and pouted. “I know, but when they are here, I have to pretend you're my uncle. You do realize how creepy that feels. I don’t kiss my uncles like this,” Dean stepped forward and snaked his hand behind Castiel's head and kissed him, pulling back just enough so he could continue speaking, “Or this.” He ran his hand down Castiel’s spine until he reached his ass and squeezed it.

Castiel grinned, “I’m not your uncle, so how is that creepy?”

“I know, but calling you uncle.” Dean pulled a face, screwing up his nose in distaste.

“I suppose you’re right. It is a little creepy.” Castiel agreed. “Hopefully these visits won’t happen for much longer, “ he added as he looked at the clock on the wall. “You better go if you don’t’ want to leave Sam waiting outside of the school. “

Dean sighed and turned to the clock. “ Do you wanna come for a ride?” He asked as he turned to leave the kitchen.

“I can’t. I have a few things I want to finish off here.” He said apologetically.

“Okay, suit yourself. See ya later” Dean shouted over his shoulder as he disappeared out of the room.

Castiel stood still and listened to the front door shut, a few minutes later the engine of the Impala roared to life and then slowly faded into the distance as Dean drove down the driveway and out of the gates.

He sighed and placed his hands on the counter and looked down at his hands, and then looked up. “Gabriel, we need to talk.” He said into the empty room.

A flutter of wings alerted him to his brother entering the hall just off from the back of the kitchen, and he waited until the footsteps entered the room and stopped.

“I found another three. What are we going to do with them?” He asked as he turned to face Gabriel.

Gabriel shrugged nonchalantly, “Take them to join the others in the fun house.”

Gabriels “fun house” was an abandoned; warded to hide the place from other angels building that was currently being used as a fake hotel; the occupants thought they were in a dream, living it up in the lives of a celebrity; enjoying the penthouses, the sun, enjoying themselves.

“We can’t keep putting more of them in there; eventually they’re going to figure out something’s wrong when none of them wakes up. Besides, one of the three I found today can see through illusions. He will set off alarms for the rest of them.” Castiel complained.

“Well, we can separate him, and place him in his very own little world, if he realizes none of it is real, who’s he going to tell?” Gabriel suggested, still smiling.

Castiel sighed, feeling frustrated. “How much more can Azazel have fed his blood to? I thought it would be maybe two or three but so far there’s eight.”

“There can’t be many more of them; you put a stop to him before he could infect a lot more kids.” Gabriel leaned his hip against the counter and watched Castiel for a long moment before he spoke again.

“Look, I know you’re worried about this, but remember, you started all this. You have to finish it for better or for worse.”

“I know, but it seems that there are more and more problems. Every time we think it’s dealt with, something else happens.”

“Yes, but we’re dealing with it. Right? So stop complaining and take me to the three you’ve got. We have about thirty minutes before Sam and Dean are back.” Gabriel reminded him.

 

He didn’t like this; he had a bad feeling about it, Michael wasn’t stupid and given enough time he would get through the angel wardings, find the teens; then the apocalypse they have tried so hard to stop would be one step closer to starting.

 

 If they find Dean all they needed to do was offer to bring back his parents, give Sam the life Dean felt he deserved and all for the cost of his soul. Dean would accept, and then he would be taken to hell, and the first seal would break and then one of those gifted ones would be trained to kill Lilith. He snapped out of his thoughts when Gabriel clicked his fingers in front of his face, and he turned to look at his brother.

“Very well.” He said as he sighed. They disappeared from the kitchen and one by one the three teens were taken and placed into the “witness protection” abandoned building. Gabriel made sure that the one that Castiel was the most worried about was isolated on his own.

Castiel didn’t like it, but given the options, there wasn’t any other choice. They made it back as Dean and Sam entered the house, and Gabriel clicked his fingers, an apple pie appeared on the counter, and the coffee maker was refilled. He looked at Gabriel and shook his head, but looked expectantly at the archway as Sam stepped through and slung his bag against the wall, then walked over to the refrigerator and took out a small bottle of orange juice.

Castiel looked expectantly over to the entrance of the kitchen, waiting for Dean to walk through, but he didn’t. He looked puzzled and glanced back over to Sam, he seemed irritated about something.

“Have you and Dean had a disagreement?” he asked cautiously.

 

Sam shrugged as he screwed the lid back onto the bottle and started to walk out of the kitchen, he glanced back over his shoulder at him. “He's just a jerk.”  Then disappeared out the room.

He didn’t know what to do, should he go and find Dean, or leave him to cool off?

 

He pulled out his mobile and brought up Dean’s contact and opened a new message.

 

Castiel: Dean? Are you okay?

He waited a while for the reply from Dean to come through and then felt more concerned when he got the single word response back. “Fine.” Was all it said.

Castiel stared at his screen for a short time, brows furrowed, what could have happened in the brief period that he was gone? Gabriel moved closer to him, so he placed his mobile in his pocket.

“Trouble?” Gabriel asked, looking a little disappointed that he didn’t get to see the mobile screen.

Castiel shrugged, “ It sounds like they both need to cool off.”

Gabriel answered with a shrug and stuck his finger into the pie and scooped some up onto his finger then popped it into his mouth.

Castiel watched him, he still couldn’t understand how Gabriel could enjoy the food, he still hadn’t mastered the ignoring of every component.

He sighed. “So what do we do now?” he asked in a hushed voice.

Gabriel raised his eyebrow and then pulled his finger from his mouth. “We wait.”

“ Wait for what exactly?” Castiel asked more annoyed now.

 

“We’ve moved our chess piece, it’s their turn. We can’t do anything more until we know what they are doing.” Gabriel explained, moving to the draw to pull out a large knife and then made a cut 2 sections of the pie. He pulled out a small plate and put one of the slices on it, then moved to the refrigerator and pulled out the whipped cream and adding a large helping of it beside the slice.

 

He turned back with a plate in hand and pushed it into Castiel's hands.

“You can go give this to your boy, it will cheer him up a little.” Gabriel nodded encouragingly and then indicated over his shoulder to the archway.

“Fine, we wait.” He sighed, then took the plate and pushed away from the counter and out of the kitchen.

He paused at Dean’s door, listening for any sounds of agitation or sounds of sobbing but he heard nothing.

He knocked the door and waited politely for Dean to invite him in and stepped through.

 

Dean was laying on top of the bed; looking at the ceiling, he made no move to acknowledge that he had stepped into the room, so he slowly approached the bed, the plate that held the pie outstretched a little, in hopes Dean would see it.

Dean didn’t turn to look at him though, so he lowered himself to sit on the side of the bed and moved the pie a little closer. “Gabe made some apple pie and thought you might like some.”

Dean glanced over and scowled at the pie; as if it had offended him personally and returned to staring at the ceiling.

“No thanks.” He said in a controlled voice.

 

Castiel put the plate on the side cupboard, and stood up and watched Dean for a moment, carefully choosing his words, deciding to just ask him what happened.

“What happened? Have you and Sam got into a fight?” He asked, his voice low.

Dean scoffed but turned to look at him, the anger evident in his eyes.

“He's thinking of moving to California next May,” Dean explained, his tone low but there was anger in it.

“And that bothers you?” he asked cautiously.

“Of course it bothers me!” Dean bit out and then sighed when he realized he was taking it out on Castiel. He gave him an apologetic look and then rubbed his hand across his mouth.

“I can’t protect him if he’s there.” Dean finally said.  

 

Castiel masked his own concerns about Sams decision to move to California, they needed both the brothers to remain together so they could keep a watch over them; if they were separated it would weaken their defence. He locked his own concerns away and focused back on Dean, hating what he was about to say.

 

“ Dean, I understand your need to protect Sam, he’s your brother, and you’ve lost your parents, but you have to let Sam go, you can’t protect him for the whole of your life, you have to live too.” He didn’t want Dean to agree with him, but he didn’t want the brothers fighting either. They needed each other right now.

Dean sighed. “I know, but I couldn’t handle losing him if something happened to him and I wasn’t there to protect him. I almost, I almost lost him last year.”

 

Castiel nodded, then an idea came to him. “What if you moved there with him?” Dean’s head snapped around to look at him, anger flashed in his eyes for a moment but disappeared as quick as it came.

“That’s an option.” He said a little sharper than Castiel expected.

 

“Gabe and I could sell this place, and we could find something big enough for us all?” He suggested, it was a good plan; if they were in California, they would be further away from everything, it would take the demons and angels a lot longer to find them. It would buy them some time at least.

 

Dean looked over, this time he appeared to be considering what he had just said, his face visually relaxing with each second that past.

“You and Gabe would do that? I don’t know if we could ask you to do that.” Dean stiffened again and looked away.

Castiel sighed. “I don’t think this house would be the same without you and Sam, so you’re not asking us to do anything, as long as you and Sam wanted us there, we would be there.”

When Dean turned back, Castiel practically stared into his eyes, willing him to agree. Dean licked his lips and then nodded slightly. “Okay, that’s an option.” He finally said and then surprised Castiel with a smile.

“I don’t exactly like the idea of living there, the land of skinny jeans, Botox, underachieving, vein Narcissists who wear glasses inside. “ Dean grimaced, “but if I can’t stop Sam from going, I guess that’s where I’ll have to live.” Dean pulled a face of distaste.

Castiel laughed at his expression, and sat down on the bed, turning to lean against the headboard beside Dean. Happy that Dean appeared to have calmed down.

“So when do you plan to tell Sam about this?” he asked.

 

“Well, when are you planning to tell Gabe that you’ve decided to sell both of your house?” Dean retorted with a grin.

Castiel nodded, “We should probably tell them about the same time, I don’t think Gabe would be happy to hear it from Sam.”

“Well, before you start putting up the “for sale” boards, we should wait to see what happens with Sam, he might change his mind.” Dean eventually said.

Castiel nodded, yes, that gave him and Gabe time to find out what the angels and demons next move will be. “You’re the boss,” Castiel replied with a smile.

Dean turned to look at him, smirking, “Really? I kind of like it when you take charge.” Dean winked, then moved to straddle Castiel.

“I don’t take char-“ His words were cut off as Dean leaned down and covered Castiel’s mouth with his own. He involuntarily let out a small growl from the back of his throat, and Dean gave a throaty chuckle in response. Castiel opened his eyes to find green eyes sparkling, dark and the corners of his eyes crinkled as he smiled against his lips.

In one fast move Castiel flipped them over, and Dean let out a laugh as he shuffled to make himself comfortable under Castiel. “Yes, you are.” Dean managed to say, just as Castiel began to unbuckle his belt.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that Dean was playing, and singing to Hey Jude - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8ACNty077I


	30. Chapter 30

** January 26th, 2001 **

 

Dean stumbled out of the taxi and waved it off drunkenly as he turned towards the house.  He walked slowly staggering towards the door whistling something incoherent; it was nice to catch up with everyone at work.

With all the jobs that had been piling up;  cars to be serviced, repairs and the over time, there wasn’t much time to catch up with Vince or anyone else.

The night was made even better when Vince declared that he was taking care of the bar tab.

He reached for the door handle, but before he could touch it the door flew open, he stumbled into the chest that was firmly placed in the frame of the door.

He looked into the concerned eyes of Castiel.

“Oh hey Cas,” He grinned up into the blue eyes that stared down at him.

“Your eyes are beautiful, have I ever told you that?”

Castiel nodded, his lips pressed into a thin line for a moment before the crinkles formed in the corner of his eyes and his mouth split open into a wide smile.

“I assume that you had fun?” Castiel replied in his usual gravelly voice.

Dean grinned even more. “I did, your voice is so sexy.” He leaned up, attempting to stop himself from falling and kissed Castiel unsteadily,  and then tripped through the threshold of the house.

Castiel chuckled and placed Dean’s arm over his shoulder then helped him walk into the kitchen. He carefully put him on one of the chairs and made sure he wouldn’t tip to the side or the other before he let go and moved over to the kitchen.

He took a mug from the draining board and filled it with coffee, then turned to the refrigerator. It was close to midnight and Sam had gone to bed, Gabriel was making his rounds at the facility where he held the Angels captive.

Dean noisily stood up and moved to the counter, preferring to sit half on the stool, and leaned against it and watched as Castiel opened the refrigerator door and pulled something out.Then he peeled back the cling wrap that was tightly wrapped around both the contents and the plate.

He could barely see straight, his vision swayed in and out of blurriness, and he focused on the man’s backside, the way the fabric moved across his ass as he moved from the counter to the microwave; punching in numbers that he couldn’t quite make out, and then pressing start.

“You know, you should bring that sexy ass over here.” He grinned again, Castiel turned to look at him, and he followed the lines of the man’s form until he moved to the man’s eyes, they were so blue, so beautiful and so full of amusement. Was that amusement at his expense? He squinted trying to focus more on the details of Castiel’s face which were hard, the room appeared to be moving a little, and he held the counter to keep himself steady and upright.

“You need to eat and then sleep.” The deep, gravelly voice dictated from across the room.

“Nah ah, I’m fine. It's good.” He replied waving his hand as if waving off the notion that he needed to sleep.

“Yes, Dean. Now Eat.” Castiel commanded, and a plate was pushed in front of him, and he stared down at the apple pie in front of him. He dipped his finger into the sauce and looked up to find Castiel watching him; he smirked and slowly brought the finger to his mouth and sucked slowly on the remnants of the apple on his finger.

Castiel raised an eyebrow, apparently not at all affected by his seduction attempt.  He sighed, “Fine.” He sulkily picked up the fork and stabbed at the pie.

Castiel leaned against the counter and observed him,  he decided to make a big deal of licking the fork clean as he kept his eyes trained on the other man.  He watched his the blue eyes darken slightly and grinned and scooped up more apple and pastry onto his fork and took his time wrapping his lips around the fork, closing his eyes, humming his appreciation to the taste of the pie.

He opened his eyes as he heard the shift of the man in front of him, Castiel moved from one foot to another, staring at Dean’s mouth.  Dean felt pleased with himself and knew he was going to get his way when they reached the bedroom. 

He continued to slowly devour the pie and by the time he put the fork down and picked up his now lukewarm coffee he felt more stable, his eyes focusing better.

Castiel took his plate and turned to wash it in the sink. He knocked back the coffee and stood up,  testing his balance before he stepped around the island and moved to stand behind Castiel. He looked over the man's shoulder as he pressed himself up against his backside and began sucking a mark on his neck.

“Mmm, you taste good.” He murmured into Castiel’s skin.

Castiel leaned his head back and turned his head slightly to meet Dean’s lips with his own.  Dean hovered a moment over Castiel’s mouth before sinking down and taking what was being offered; grinding himself hard against Castiel, and then abruptly pulled away.

“I’m gonna go up and have a shower, I didn’t have time to have one before we went to the bar.” If he didn’t leave, he would end up bending Castiel over the counter and although it was a huge turn on and fantasy of his, he really didn’t think it would be worth being caught if Sam or Gabriel happened to walk in on them.

He gave Castiel’s ass a quick smack and set off up to the bedroom, stripping off his clothes and turning on the taps.

Downstairs Castiel finished drying the plates and heard someone moving around the back of the house.  He walked through the back hallway and into the laundry room, pulling open the hidden drawer and pulled out the Angel blade that had been placed there for emergencies.

 

He stepped cautiously outside, he walked the perimeter and couldn’t see anyone and looked off into the distance. He squinted in the dark and saw the silhouette of someone.

He slowly stepped forward, blade in hand, “Who’s there?” he demanded. The person turned to him.

“Castiel?” the woman asked cautiously.

“Hannah, how did you find me?” He asked, his voice firm. This was not a good sign, if she had found him, then Michael could find him. He suddenly panicked, what if she went back and told him? What if this was a trap? Could he trust her?

“I found Dean at a bar, and I followed him.” She shrugged.

Castiel squinted, his fingers tightening around the handle of the blade.

“Are you alone?” he asked

“Yes, No one knows I’m here,” Hannah responded tersely.

He stepped closer to her, not dropping his hand that held the blade until he was in front of her and couldn’t sense any other angels.

“Why have you come here, Hannah?” He asked still on edge.

She looked him up and down and looked away, seeming disgusted by what she saw. “I am hoping that I can convince you to do the right thing Castiel.”

He narrowed his eyes. “And what would the “right” thing be?”  He held his voice flat but felt the anger rise a little as he thought about her version of the “right” choice could be.

 

 

Dean sat up in the bed waiting for Castiel to come in,  he sobered up more after the shower and was becoming impatient. Castiel should have finished the dishes already.

After another 5 minutes, he threw off his blankets and pulled out a pair of track pants and a shirt and left the room; intent on finding out where Castiel was.

He stepped into Castiel's old bedroom and looked around; the room was empty, moonlight sweeping across the expanse of the bedroom. He turned and looked down the hall, there was only the sound of Sam snoring. He made his way down the stairs and looked into the rooms as he made his way through the downstairs of the house with no sign of Castiel anywhere.

As Dean stepped outside, he heard Castiel’s voice in the distance, it sounded like he was arguing with someone. He slowly stepped closer to the sunroom windows to remain out of sight and in the shadows and crept closer until he could hear the woman who Castiel was talking to. He crouched down and hid behind the bush and then looked at it to see who the woman was.

Castiel stood in front of her, his shoulders squared, and his hands balled into fists, his jaw was flexing, whoever she was, Castiel was not happy with her. 

The woman’s response was to stand straight and lift her chin and glared at him.  When she began to speak again, she reminded him of Cas, she had the same mannerisms, her hair was only a few shades lighter.

Cas mentioned his sisters to him, didn’t he? Dean squinted to try and get a better look at the woman, but it did no good against the amount of alcohol he had drunk.  It was a miracle that he was even kneeling without stumbling.

He looked back towards the house; maybe he should get up and join Cas, or go back inside.

He was just about to make the decision to go back to the house when he heard his name being said by the woman.

“Dean Winchester is a bad influence on you Castiel. Your loyalty-“

“Loyalty? You wouldn’t even know the meaning of the word! You join the side that will benefit you…” Castiel paused and then sighed.

“You have lost your way Castiel, You have forgotten our mission, to protect-“Hannah tried again, but Castiel cut her off once more.

“My mission is to protect Dean; he is the embodiment of humanity. Flawed and broken but he is also good, strong and doesn’t take free will and run with it. He measures it before he takes action. He is our mission, to protect humanity because humanity is him.”

“Castiel, No, he is just one of them, he isn’t all of them. The apocalypse has to happen, to cleanse this earth of evil.”

“At what cost Hannah? To the cost of Sam and Dean? Do you know- Hannah you know what they did to save the earth, the universe?  I showed you the devastation and chaos this world could have suffered if it was not for them.”

“Yes, and from what Michael has said that they turned you. You turned your back on your brothers and sisters to help them. With their influence, you brought the leviathans out of purgatory! You killed so many of our brothers and sisters! “

“Enough! The Winchesters had nothing to do with what-, with what I did. They tried to stop me.  Nothing they could have done would have changed it. Hannah, do you not see how Michael and Raphael have brainwashed you? The apocalypse won’t bring peace; it will destroy everything that our father created on earth and for what? To put Lucifer back where he belongs? He’s there now, why break the seals to raise him to only to put him back down there and in the course of doing so destroy humanity?”

“It was prophesized.”

“As I have demonstrated and as the brothers have shown, just because it’s prophesized, it does not mean it will come to pass. The apocalypse did not happen the first time. It will not happen this time either. I won’t let any of the angels near the Winchesters.” Castiel’s voice remained low, but there was a warning in his words.

“ And how are you going to stop Michael and Raphael sending other Angels to find them, I found you Castiel, it’s only a matter of time before others do. How are you going to protect them then?”

“It isn’t just me, Gabriel, Balthazar and we have hunters who are also protecting them.  I will not let any of you near them.” Castiel’s eyes flashed a bright blue, and his voice became deep and commanding.  Hannah stepped back and looked away. Giving both of them time to cool off.  When she turned back, her expression was more defeated than defiant now.

“I wish you would reconsider, Castiel.  Just let the Winchesters be the vessels they were made to be, and you can come back to heaven, you can come back home. “ Hannah said softly; resigned to his decision.

“No, Heaven is no longer my home.” Castiel stood and looked back to the house. “This is my home now.”  The last of his words trailing quieter than before.

Hannah sighed. “Very well, if you ever do want-“,

“I won’t.” Castiel interrupted.

“All the same, if you change your mind, call me.”  Hannah left without waiting for a reply.

Castiel sighed and looked up at the sky and then turned looking back towards the house.

Dean moved back as quietly as he could; watching as Castiel walked passed the bush he was behind, back to the house.

He let out a rush of air and sat back against the glass of the sunroom; trying to sort through everything he thought he had just seen and heard. It wasn’t possible. Was it? He watched the woman disappear in front of his eyes and could have sworn he had heard wings. He must have been crazy, but no… he wasn’t. She would still be there or at least walking away if he had just imagined her disappearing.

He replayed the conversation again and again over in his mind.

Was it true? Was Cas, Gabe and Balthazar Angels? Why had they been hiding who they really were? Why did they act like humans?

At the last thought, he felt his anger push forward. Cas did not trust him to tell him. Cas hid what he was. Cas lied to him for over a year that they were together. They had... Oh god... was it a sin for an angel to have sex with a human? Was Cas a fallen Angel? Oh god, It was all too much. These men, these people... no, Angels… pretended to care about him and Sam, they pretended to care about him. Castiel had told him he loved him… was that a lie? Was he just pretending to like him to keep him and Sam here?

What would happen to them? What would happen to Sam if these other Angel guys came and took them? He had to get himself and Sam out of there as soon as he could. He had to protect his brother from these… these... whatever they were. However, he couldn’t just leave now, as much as his gut was screaming at him to go now, to get Sam and leave. He knew they would stop him... He and Sam were outnumbered.

The only thing he could do was pretend everything was cool for now… pretend he didn’t know anything and find a way to leave.

 He took in several deep breaths and then out slowly, calming himself. He stood up and made his way to the house. As he stepped inside and made his way into the front lounge room,  he paced back and forth in an attempt to clear his head and figure out what he heard and what he had to do. He had to get out of there, he had to get his brother out of there.  He jumped; startled when he heard Castiel’s voice behind him, and he spun around to find Castiel looking at him curiously, head tilted. Ordinarily, it would have given him butterflies to his stomach, wanting to drag him to the bedroom and possess every part of him. Now, he had butterflies for a whole new reason, this man… Angel…  Castiel… he didn’t know him. He didn’t know what he was capable of if he so much as thought that he knew about them. He cleared his throat and tried his best to act natural.

“He-Hey Cas.” He tried to smile genuinely, but he felt sick, could feel the bile rising. Castiel stood looking concerned at him.

“Are you alright Dean?” he asked.

“Ye-Yeah… I think I drunk too much. I’m going to throw up.”

Before Castiel could respond, he quickly left the room taking the steps two at a time up the stairs and quickly entered his room and shutting the door behind him and leaning against it.

He breathed in and then out as slow as he could, trying to calm himself. They needed to get away, as soon as possible.

He stepped over to the drawers and leaned down pulling out his bag that he came with and began to stuff it is full of the clothes that he had moved into the house with and then shoved it under the bed as someone knocked on the door.

He stepped into the bathroom and looked into the mirror. His face was pale; he looked a mess, petrified. He leaned over the sink and washed his face, scrubbing frantically at his skin. It helped put colour into his cheeks, but it wasn’t enough. His eyes looked haunted. Castiel would know…. One look at him and he would see the truth, see that he knew what he was. The doorknob rattled to the bathroom, and he turned and stared at it, trying to keep himself calm... it would be okay, he just needed to act natural. But how though? He could just pretend to be tired and go to bed, avoid them as much as possible.

 He cleared his throat and shouted out. “I’ll be out in a minute!” his voice cracked a little, and he swallowed hard, waiting for the Cas on the other side to answer... but he didn’t.

 He stared back at the mirror, then closed his eyes, focusing on anything but what he had seen that night. When he felt much calmer, he turned and straightened his clothes and opened the bathroom door, finding Castiel sitting on the bed;  reading his book, waiting for him.

“H-Hi,” he said as he stepped towards the bed, remembering only as he put one knee on the bed that he needed to undress, he always had been before bed. He stood back and slowly took off his clothes, unable to look at the ma-angel on his bed.

“Are you alright Dean? You’re acting… different.”

“Yeah, Yeah. I’m fine Cas... I’m exhausted and still feel a bit sick. I think I might just turn in and get some sleep and hope I’m feeling better in the morning.”

Castiel smiled warmly up to him, and he gave him what he hoped was a smile and then climbed into the bed, pulling the blankets high up over his shoulders, feeling uncomfortable with Castiel sitting there, watching him.

“Well, good night… Cas… see you in the morning.”

Before Castiel could respond, he turned over and faced the window, squeezing his eyes closed, willing himself to sleep, but he didn’t sleep for a long time. The events from earlier that night kept replaying, over and over again. He admitted to himself that he was frightened, kept telling himself that It was okay to be frightened. These people were Angels, and they could do anything. He had no idea what powers they had, but he knew that angels from the bible could set whole cities on fire. And the book of revelations he remembered the signs of the apocalypse... the angels… the angels in heaven rejoicing... they weren’t fluffy winged dudes with harps. Angels were crueller.

Why didn’t God answer his prayer? Why hadn’t he saved his mom? Why were they there for him now? Eventually, he fell into a restless sleep. His nightmares were mixed with winged cruel, twisted Angels, with the four horsemen, his mom burning on the ceiling, dying outside of the car, a man with yellow eyes reaching down to him. Sam had black eyes; had powers. He tossed and turned and could hear Castiel telling him it was just a nightmare, that he was safe. His dreams twisted more; Castiel stood in front of him, and his wings only shadow on the walls before him, lightning flashed, and thunder clapped as he stood straight and wings dark... he shot up into a sitting position. It was light outside; he turned finding Castiel lying beside him, looking worried. He tried to think back, was it all a nightmare? Did he actually see Castiel out in the garden with that woman or was it just a vivid dream? He felt confused and cautious of Castiel.

 “Dean, Are you alright? You were restless last night, kicking out, whimpering. Do you still feel sick? Maybe you’re coming down with something.”

He froze. No, it wasn't a dream. It was real. He turned back to look at the bathroom, feeling anxious and dizzy. He shot out of his bed and ran into the bathroom and locked the door, standing leaning against it for a moment before sliding down it and putting his head between his knees.

He needed to get Sam out of there, needed to get him somewhere safe. 

He began planning their escape, it would be easy,  Sam had school on Monday, and he had to go to work, it would be easy to act like nothing is wrong and drive out of town, but how would he pack Sams things? He could buy him new clothes when they found somewhere far away, they would just have to move frequently, use different names, anything that would keep them away.

How was he going to hide them from Angels though? They were Angels, they could probably track them.

He heard the door shut behind the bathroom door, and he pressed his ear against the door, listening for any sounds coming from his room. It was quiet, which could only mean Castiel had left the room.

He slowly raised to his feet and reached for the door handle, he paused long enough to take a deep breath to steady himself and opened it.

The room was empty, and he blew out the air in his lungs and moved quickly and pulled his duffel bag out and slung it onto the bed, then rushed over to the bedside drawers and carefully chose items that wouldn’t be noticed missing and threw them onto the bed beside his Duffel bag.

He paced back to the drawers of his dresser and pulled out the last of the clothes he owned – that wasn’t brought by Gabriel and stuffed them into the bag; only leaving out a pair of Jeans and a sweater. He stashed the bag back under his bed and closed his eyes, breathing in and out slowly to keep himself calm.

He stared at the bedroom door, he had to go out of the room, it would look suspicious if he didn’t, and Castiel might start to think the depression was worsening and then he wouldn’t leave him alone. He inhaled and exhaled a couple more times and then left the room, he tiptoed to Sams door and opened it quietly and heard Sam softly snoring. He closed the door carefully. Good, the longer he was asleep, the less time Sam would be around them.

Maybe he should buy a gun to protect Sam and himself, but guns wouldn’t kill angels, would they? And as much as he didn’t like what he overheard, his feelings for Cas was still there, there was no way he could shoot him, wouldn’t want to see him dead. He loved him, even if Castiel didn’t love him. He couldn’t’ change his feelings just like that.

With everything that had happened, he hadn’t had time to process all this emotionally, and he didn’t want to because if he did,  he would be forced to feel things that he would rather not feel until he managed to make the escape with Sam the next day.

He entered the kitchen and found it empty, he quickly stepped to the door on the opposite side of the kitchen and glanced around, listening. There was no sound; where was Castiel?

He jumped as he heard Castiel behind him and he spun around, finding Castiel smiling and stepping over to the counter. He smiled as naturally as he could and decided to pour himself some coffee; having something to do helped to act more natural than standing and looking like he had just seen a ghost.

“How are you feeling now Dean?” Castiel asked, eyes squinting, head tilted as he watched him.

He took a gulp of the coffee; which was a little hotter than he had expected and forced himself to ignore the burn in his throat.

“Yeah, I’m good. “ Dean tried to smile again.

Castiel narrowed his eyes, “You seem anxious, are you sure you’re okay?”

Shit, “Yeah, I guess the nightmares have made me a little jumpy.” He lied, it was a good excuse, Thank you Castiel, he thought.

Castiel gave him a smile but didn’t push any further, Dean forced himself to move around the island and pull out the stool beside Castiel and picked up the newspaper, he began reading.  He could barely focus on it, and as he turned the page, Castiel suddenly tugged the paper from his loose grip and made him jump.

Castiel was frantically reading some story and then suddenly stood up and excused himself. He watched Castiel leave the room, confused and turned back to the newspaper and picked it up.

He began to read the story that  Castiel was reading.

“ **Woman found stabbed to death.** ”

_“The woman was discovered dead in a park by a passerby walking her dog early this morning._

_Miss Carter described the scene of wings burned on the ground beneath the woman._

_FBI Agent Henricksen made a statement and warned the public to stay indoors after dark._

_“ I advise everyone to stay out of places that are empty and travel in a group at night, there has been a string of these murders, it is understood that the wings are his or her calling card. If you see anything suspicious, call the police, do not confront anyone you believe could be the murderer. That is all I can say at this time. Thank you.”_ Dean looked up from the newspaper. Wings? Was this an angel killing people? What did Castiel know about it and where the hell was Gabriel?

He suddenly felt sick as a thought crossed his mind. What if Gabriel was the serial killer? He blanched and stood up suddenly feeling anxious.  They had to get out of there, immediately.

He ran up to his room and paced back and forth,  what the fuck was happening? How the hell could they get out of there alive? He felt the panic rising and his vision blurred.

He stopped pacing and sat down and breathed in and out slowly, his eyes flitting back and forth from the door and the bathroom. One part of him wanting to run, the other wanted to throw up.

What the fuck had he got him and Sam into?

He suddenly stood up and rushed out the bedroom door and quickly checked the rooms to find Castiel; who appeared to have just disappeared.

He raced back up the stairs and pulled his bag out from under the bed and rushed to pick up his keys, then he left the room and stepped inside Sams.

Sam was awake,  laying on his bed with his mobile in his hand. He quickly sat up as Dean burst into his room.

“Dean, what’s up?” 

 Dean glanced at him, then picked up the clothes that were on the ground and threw them at Sam. “Get them on now.” He demanded.

He moved to the drawers and opened them pulling everything he could out of them and dumping them on the bed.

Sam tried to get his attention. “Not now Sam.” He snapped as he frantically looked for the duffel bag.

When he finally found it, he moved to the side cupboards and opened the bag wide, dumping everything he could into it and then shoved as much of the clothing as he could from the bed.

“Dean! What the fuck?” Sam shouted.

Dean turned and gave him a seething warning look that caused Sam to halt in his questions and swallow hard.

“We are leaving, Now. Don’t ask me why, when we’re far away from here I will explain. Get your shoes, you can put them on in the car.” Dean nodded toward the door, Sam stayed in place, beginning to cross his arms.

“Sam, for fuck sake, we don’t have fucking time for you to have a hissy about this.  So help me, if you don’t move now, I will drag you out.” Dean clenched his fist and stared coldly at his brother.

Sam nodded and walked out the room, glancing back once and then moving down the stairs and out of the front door. Dean hurried to the Impala and unlocked Sam’s door and threw the bags in the back seat. He quickly made his way around to his side, checking that no one had seen them. The moment he was in his seat, he started the car engine and slammed it into reverse, the wheels protested and squealed as he stopped and changed gears and slammed his foot on the accelerator.

He tore down the drive and barely stopped to look as he pulled onto the road. He's jaw flexing and fingers gripped tightly on the wheel.

Sam sat quietly beside him, and for that small mercy, he was thankful for. He had to figure out how much he should tell Sam.

The most important thing now was to get them hundreds of miles out of town. He will after that explain and figure out what they should do after.

It wasn’t until they were flying down the country road an hour out of town that he began to relax a little.

 

 


	31. Chapter 31

 

Dean entered the Bank and hoped he had enough personal identification to prove who he was. The amount of cash he wanted to withdraw was no small amount, and he didn’t want anyone asking questions.

God only knew if any of what he was doing would draw attention to him and Sam to the angels.

He stepped up to the teller and handed her the withdrawal slip and smiled, using his best flirting one and leaned casually on the counter.

The lady smiled and asked for his card and Photo identification, and he handed over his license and bank card. He felt his heart race, there had been cases where someone was arrested for requesting large sums of money, accused of “structuring” which was apparently illegal, although he had no idea what they actually meant.

The lady began tapping on her computer, pausing every so often to look at the slip he filled in.

He began to drum his fingers and looked out the window to see if Sam was still in the Impala. Sam was extremely pissed off at him, demanding to know why Dean was doing what he was doing.

He wanted to wait until they were settled into a motel for the night before he explained to Sam what he had overheard.

“How would you like your money, sir?”

He turned back to the woman, feeling the relief wash over him as she smiled happily while waiting for his response.

“Ummm, It doesn’t matter, surprise me.” He grinned at her, hoping he looked more confident than he felt.

The woman smiled, then nodded.  She disappeared for a few minutes and came back with notes that had elastic bands wrapped around them. She placed the notes on a machine, and it began to flip the notes as it counted them.

Once it was done, she handed Dean a receipt of the transaction and began to count it for him.

Dean glanced around at the other customers; wondering if any of them could have been Angels, after all, they lived with three, and they never knew.  Anyone of them in the bank could be one, but they weren’t remotely interested in him, and he relaxed a little, they would be back on the road soon and hopefully several more towns over.

He turned back as the woman pushed the money towards him. He smiled and thanked her, tucking the money into the inner pocket of his jacket.

He got back outside and into the car. Sam looked at him with his infamous bitch face expression, and he rolled his eyes.

He started the engine and reversed out, getting back onto the road, he wanted to be at least another 6 towns over before they settled for the night.

The further they were, the better.

Sam remained silent, looking out the window until they pulled up in a motel car lot.

“Wait here, I’ll get us a room.” He said as he unclicked his seat belt, Sam turned and briefly glanced at him, showing that he heard him and then resumed looking out the window, his mobile clutched in his hand that was on his lap.

He jumped out of the car and made his way through the door of the front office.

A man was sitting on a chair behind the counter watching the small TV just hidden to the side under the desk. He coughed to gain the mans attention and looked over at the TV, it was an old rerun of knight rider.

“What can I do for you?” The attendant asked.

“Can I get a room with two beds?”

The man nodded and looked through the book and then turned to get a key from the hooks behind him. He turned back towards Dean, “How many nights?”

“Just the one night.” He answered.

The man handed him the keys, “Room 106, it’s on the second floor.”  He added before sitting back in his chair and watching the TV again.

Dean left the office and walked quickly back to the car, heading directly to the trunk to get their belongings. Sam stepped out of the car the moment he saw him walking back and waited to get his duffel bag. 

“We’re in room 106, the second floor.”  Sam turned and walked off without another word.

Oh yeah, Sam was really pissed off at him. 

He followed Sam up, and once they were inside their room, Sam moved over to one of the beds and chucked his duffel down and then turned quickly to face Dean.

“So are you going to tell me what the fuck all this is?”

“Not now Sam.  I need to get us some food.”

“Yes, Now. I have stayed quiet until now, I want to know what’s going on Dean.  What about my car? My schooling? Why are we here?”

Dean sighed and scrubbed his face with both hands and sat down on the edge of one of the beds, then gestured for Sam to sit opposite.

“Fine, this is going to sound crazy Sam, but you gotta hear me out okay?”

Sam remained quiet but nodded.

“Last night, I went outside to find Cas, and I heard him arguing with someone, a woman. So I crept over and hid in the bushes.”

Sam scoffed. “Spying?”

Dean gave him a warning look and continued. “The woman was saying some batshit crazy stuff, and so was Cas. If I didn’t see her disappear in front of my eyes, I would have thought they were crazy-“

“What?” Sam asked, looking at Dean like he was insane.

“Don’t look at me like that.  They were talking about Apocalypse, angels, heaven. You and me being vessels to some angels. Leviathans, we were bad influences on Cas.  I don’t know. It didn’t make sense to me. Sam, if you were there, you would have freaked out like I felt. Cas’s eyes.. they were shining.. like bright, like blue headlights. The woman seemed to freak out from it too. Then she disappeared, I thought I heard flapping wings and she was gone. “

“Maybe she walked away?” Sam offered

“No, Sam, I looked, she was standing there.. and then she was gone. She talked about other Angels finding us. I don’t know what they want with us, but it’s bad news Sam, I couldn’t let you stay there, it’s dangerous.  Then this morning, I was reading the newspaper, and Cas pulled it from my hands, and after reading some column, he took off fast. I read the column, and it was about a woman who was stabbed, some serial killer. Apparently, his calling card is burnt into the ground angel wings. You know, it could be Gabriel,  he wasn’t around last night or this morning, and the way Cas reacted… Sam, we can’t go back, and I don’t want you calling them, we have to keep moving. I don’t know what’s going on, but what I do know is, we can’t let any of them find us. “ Dean looked at Sam, pleading silently that he would drop it for now.  The long drive was exhausting, and he just wanted to get something to eat, shower and then sleep.

Sam chewed on his cheek for a long moment before speaking, “What about if we stay with Bobby or Ellen?”

“No! I thought about that, but Cas and Gabriel know who they are, they will look for us there. We’re better off alone,  I’ll figure something more permanent out when I’ve had time to think, but for now, we just keep moving. I took out five thousand from the account Dad left us, so that should keep us going for a while.”

Sam sighed, “I think you’re insane Dean, but I’ll go along with what you say for now, but we can’t move forever, and I want to go back to school, and I want to go to California after I turn eighteen.”

Dean nodded, “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Just trust me okay?”

Sam nodded and then flopped down on his bed and picked up his mobile from the side drawers.

“We’re gonna have to get new numbers,” Dean suddenly realized, “Just in case they can find us through them.”

Sam groaned but said nothing else.

“Okay, well I’m gonna go out and pick us up something to eat, Pizza?”

Sam didn’t say anything, and so he took his keys and stepped to the door.

“Do not open the door for anyone, got it?”

“Dean I’m not twelve years old.”

“Sam, just god damn do what I say, okay?”

“Fine, No opening the door for anyone. Got it.”

Dean shook his head and left the room, making sure to click the latch, so it locked as he shut the door.

He saw a Domino's Pizza place as they were heading into the town and a store he could pick up some milk, coffee, beer and something for the morning.

He looked around before he got into the car, this was not what he or Sam needed right now.

 **********************************************

 

Castiel paced back and forth waiting for a return call from Bobby, what happened to them? They couldn’t have just up and disappeared.  

His first thought had been the angels and panic had begun to set in, but once he entered Dean’s room and noticed that most of Dean’s clothes were gone, he quickly went to Sam’s room. He found most of Sam’s belongings were also gone.

Dean’s coffee was left half drunk on the counter.  Dean wouldn’t have left it sitting there, even if he didn’t feel like finishing it, it would have been in the sink, rinsed out.  He checked the refrigerator for a note, but there was only a handful of old notes.

Where ever the boys were,  it was by choice, and they didn’t want him or anyone else to know, but why?

He slammed his hand on the counter,  he should have told them who they were, should have warned them about the dangers of being out there on their own.

Why had they left? Dean appeared fine, what changed after he had gone to find out who the angel that had been killed was?

Gabriel still hadn’t returned, and his calls weren’t being answered. Balthazar was scouting the motels and bars, trying to find a sign of them.  He wanted to be out looking for the brothers, but someone had to remain at the house in case they came back.

So far no one knew anything, Ellen promised to let him know as soon as either of the Winchesters contacted her but she couldn’t offer any suggestions of where they might have gone to.

He sighed; he would never forgive himself if either of them was harmed.

 

  **********************************************

 Dean stared up at the ceiling; listening to Sam’s even breathing as he slept.

Sam was right; they couldn’t keep running, but what could they do?  He kept running through the conversation between Castiel and the woman and no matter how many times he ran through it, it never made sense, why him and Sam? What’s so special about either of them? They were just two kids who lost their mother and raised by an alcoholic self-loathing father. 

He sighed and turned onto his side,  sliding his hand beneath his pillow, feeling the cold metal of the knife reassured him, all they could do for now was stay low,  leave no paper trails and not stay in one place for too long. He closed his eyes and fell to sleep.

He woke with a jolt when Sam slammed the motel door; he bolted upright, knife at the ready to attack.

He stared blurrily at Sam, who stood near the door with his hands up, palms facing him.

“Woah, relax, it’s only me Dean.”

Dean slowly lowered the knife and rubbed his eyes. “Don’t do that Sam, I thought someone was breaking the door down.”

Sam shook his head in disbelief and then walked over to sit beside him.

“Here, I got you a coffee.”  he pushed the coffee into Dean’s hand.

“Thanks. What time is it?” Dean reached over to pick up his watch from the side cupboard. Blinking a few times, he managed to make out the numbers. “Sam, it’s freakin’ five in the morning! What the hell man?”

Sam shrugged, “ I couldn’t sleep any longer; the bed is uncomfortable.”

Dean put his cup in the cupboard and fell back on the bed and put an arm over his eyes.

“Dean?” Sam asked sounding unsure of something.

Dean shifted his arm slightly so he could look over at his brother. “Yeah?”

“I’ve been thinking, what if we go to California now? “

“Sam,” Dean warned. They couldn’t go there; Cas, Gabe or another angel might look there for them.

“No, hear me out Dean, We can find somewhere further away from Stanford, we could even move to Sacramento-“

“Sam, No. We’re not going anywhere near where they think we could be. “ Dean raised his voice and sat up.

“This is stupid Dean, It’s probably all just a misunderstanding!” Sam paced angrily in the small room.

Dean stood up and faced his brother, feeling his temper rise. He didn’t want this any more than Sam did but he knew what he saw, and there was no way he was going back or risking them finding him or Sam.

“Sam, enough!” 

Sam stopped his pacing, breathing heavily; staring at his older brother for a long moment before turning back to sit on his bed.

Dean felt the guilt seep in, Sam had been through enough, and now he lost the only place he felt was home since they were young.

“I’m sorry Sam if I could make all this just go away, I would. You know that right?”  Dean sat down facing Sam, pleading for him to understand.

Sam nodded, “I know, I just…. I just can’t figure out what happened, I’m trying to  see what you saw, but I can’t.”

“I saw it, and even I spent most of the night going through it over and over again, trying to make sense of it, but I can’t.   All I know is, none of this is right.  Don’t you think it’s too much of a coincidence that Castiel knew I was waking up and told you? Or that he overheard the guys from Child services were questioning you about dad? “ Suddenly every weird thing started to make sense.

“Or how they both froze when he touched them, and then they just left? He knew I loved pie! He knew where we lived. “He paused.  “But why us Sam?”

Sam surprised him, “Why not us?” Sam asked quietly.

“Why not? Why not? Why would Angels care about us, why would he care about me?”

“Cas?” Sam asked softly catching the last part.

Dean stopped, shook his head slightly and stood up and turned away from Sam.

“Yes. Why would he give a shit about me? “

“Why wouldn’t he care about you, Dean?” Sam asked gently.

Dean didn’t have an answer, nor did he want to talk about it, so he shrugged and turned back around.

“Well, We‘re gonna hang around here until later, and then we’ll move on to another town.” Dean smiled weakly and looked around the room. “First of all we need to get new prepaid phones,  we will keep these turned off.” 

Castiel had tried to ring him, and he turned the phone off quickly after the call went to his voicemail the night before, after a loud disagreement Sam had turned his off too, but not before copying down Jessica’s number.  He felt an almost physical pain as he had watched his brother write down the number, this was hard on them both but harder on Sam.

He picked up the mobile and tucked it in the duffel bag and then took his wallet and keys from the cupboard.

“We can get something to eat while we’re out, I’m starving.” He smiled, and Sam halfheartedly smiled back and stepped past him and out the front door. He sighed and followed the younger Winchester out of the motel.

 

  **********************************************

 

“Has any of the angels been talking about the brothers?” Castiel asked as he sat with his head in his hands facing Balthazar at the dining table.

Balthazar shook his head, “As far as they are aware, the Winchesters are still with you.   The best we can hope for now is that one of them takes off their ring, but the moment they do that, there’s the risk that one of Raphael’s or Michael’s angel followers will find them before we do.” Balthazar sighed.

“They can’t be far, they need to stop and refill the car with gas, they need money, food, and sleep,” Castiel spoke out loud, more to himself than to Balthazar.

Castiel stood up abruptly and left the room to get the roadmap out of his car. If they could work out the distance that the boys could drive in a day before they would need to rest, then they’d be able to have a start to where they should be looking.

He rushed back to the kitchen and laid out the map in front of Balthazar.

“Okay, so we need to figure out the maximum distance a human could travel in a day with a full tank of Gas. Then we need to find the motels in the surrounding areas. We can then check the motels and see if Sam and Dean are there, or if anyone has seen them.

Balthazar nodded but rolled his eyes, Castiel gave him a warning glance and then moved to pick up the pen on the refrigerator.

This has to work, it was the only thing he could think of that could bring them closer to finding the brothers.

 

  **********************************************

** March 3rd 2001 **

 

Castiel sighed staring at the map hanging on the wall, they had checked every motel in a 150-mile radius, and no one saw them, Gabriel was pulling in every favour owed to him trying to find a single clue of the boys, Balthazar was checking the motels in and around Standford.

The boys couldn’t have just disappeared. He was losing hope.  The thought of their deaths crossed his mind, but Gabriel assured him that if that happened Michael would just bring them back to life, unfortunately, that would also mean that the angels would have them.

“There’s good news and bad news.” Castiel spun around and found Balthazar walking towards him and then to the map. He pointed to a small town in Oregon, they checked into a motel there, the bad news, when I got there, they were already gone over a week ago,   I checked the other motels surrounding the area, but they didn’t check in. I don’t know where they are heading.”

Castiel stood up and looked closer at the map,  maybe they were heading to California. “I’m going to check the route down into California just in case they are heading there.  I can’t see Dean going into Canada, and Jessica lives in Hayward, so there’s a chance they are heading that way.  “

Balthazar nodded in agreement.

  **********************************************

“Dean, when are we gonna stop moving around? It’s been five weeks, and I’m tired, you’re tired. Look at you, you can barely concentrate.”

“Sam, we’re not gonna talk about this again. Okay?” Dean snapped as he looked at the roadmap, planning out the next place they could go, they were now in Helena,  after spending 2 days in Washington.  They were double backing on themselves quite a lot, but unless he wanted to visit Canada, the only way was back, although Sam had different ideas about where they should go. He was growing tired of having to explain why they could not go towards California.

“Hey Sam, feel like going to Yellowstone park tomorrow? We can stay there for a few days to relax a little. “

"Whatever," Sam replied throwing his bag onto the bed and left the motel room muttering that he needed to stretch his legs.

Once Sam shut the door, he turned and looked at it then scrubbed his hands over his face.

He missed Cas, he was trying hard to not turn his mobile on and listen to his voicemails again from him. It was becoming harder and harder to ignore the emotions.  The constant moving had helped distract him, but it was beginning to take its toll.  Watching Sam talking to Jessica reminded him of what he had and what he had lost.

He swallowed hard and stepped into the bathroom and washed his face. He needed to keep busy. There was no way back.  He stepped over to his jacket and pulled out the remainder of the money that was left of the five thousand. He counted and groaned, they were down to their last four hundred, he could either go to the bank and risk the chance of being found, or he could go to the local bar and see if they have a pool table, but that would only give them a few hundred more at best.

He sat on the bed and pulled out the mobile from his bag and stared at it; wanting so much to hear Castiel’s voice again. The door to the motel opened, and he tucked the mobile back into his bag. He turned and smiled at Sam.

“We need to go to the bank before we leave in the morning.” He stated, and then lifted the lid of the Eski that they had purchased while on the road back 4 weeks before and pulled out a beer. “We need more ice too.” He frowned as the water dripped from the bottle onto his jeans. The beer was still cold but the water that dripped was also cold as it touched his skin beneath his clothes.

Sam pulled a bottle from the Eski, and Dean looked at him with a warning. “Oh, come on Dean! I’ve been tagging along on this insane road trip for a month.” Sam pleaded.

“You’re not 21 for another 3 years Sam.” Dean warned, but then he rolled his eyes and pulled out a bottle and handed it to Sam. “Fine, but just the one. “

  **********************************************

In San Francisco Castiel stood once again in front of the map, this was becoming tiresome, and he was growing irritated. It shouldn't be this hard to find them, he thought he knew Dean, no, he knew Dean before he altered reality before the old timeline was erased.  The trail was non-existent, no one had seen them from Oregon to San Francisco, and they had checked every motel along the way down.

Gabriel leaned against the wall, not offering any help and his presence was irritating him. He knew it was irrational to feel annoyed, but it shouldn't be taking more than 5 weeks to track them down. He listened out for any mention of Dean on Angel radio; although that was relatively silent since they blocked him, every now and then something would come through, but it was nothing important. He listened for prayers from Dean or Sam, even an accidental one. He missed hearing Dean’s voice. He missed seeing him. He found himself calling his mobile just to hear it on the answering message service, sometimes leaving a message but most of the time he just hung up.

He started to have the feeling that Dean had somehow found out they were angels,  it couldn’t have been a coincidence that the morning after Hannah showed up Dean would disappear, he was acting unlike himself when he finally found him after entering the house. 

Which just added to the infuriation he felt. If he had just told Dean who he was when they planned to, he would probably still be there with him. If anything happened to the Winchesters, it would be on his shoulders.

He hadn’t felt like crying in such a long time; not since he was human, but he felt like doing it now, however with Gabriel standing there, he shifted his focus back to the map and then turning slightly to Gabriel.

“Where can they be?” his voice sounding hopeless

Gabriel stepped forward and looked at the map, scanning all the pins that had been placed where they had already looked and sighed. “I don’t know Cas, I’ve pulled out all the stops on my part, No angel that I have had contact with has seen or heard anything about them. Michael still has no idea that they are missing. “

“Isn’t there anything you can do? You’re an archangel.” Castiel looked at him, pleading, hoping that there’s something Gabriel hadn’t tried.

Gabriel’s features softened and shook his head, then placed his hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “I know you are worried about him and miss him, but see it from this view, if Michael doesn’t know they are missing, then they are safe, at least at the moment, where ever they are, the angels and demons aren’t hot on their trail.”

Castiel nodded and turned back to the map. “I know, I just… I should have told him in the cabin.”

“Stop with the regrets Cassie, it’s done, no changing that, we will find them sooner or later.”

Castiel turned away from the map and sat at the small table and rested his elbow on it.

“And what if we don’t?” he asked.

Gabriel shrugged. “We will, sooner or later either we will pick up the trail, or Michael and Raphael will find them, either way, we will know where they are and either give them a visit or rescue them.”

Castiel smiled weakly; he didn’t know what else to say.  It was hard being away for so long, it felt like half of him was missing.

 

 

 


	32. Heaven and Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel finally finds Dean but things don't go to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry guys for the chapter ahead. 
> 
> Just remember, it always gets worse before it gets better. <3
> 
> I have 5 more chapters to this first part left, and I'm hoping to have Part 1 up and finished within the next few weeks.

****

**June 5th, 2001 **

Six months almost on the road and both Sam and Dean were exhausted, arguing more often than usual, needing more time on their own than together. It was hard. Sam turning eighteen meant that he was becoming increasingly annoyed about not moving to California, and not going to school. He was angry, and Dean could understand why, which was why he was making the decision to stop running.

No one had found them; it was time to give Sam his life back. However, he couldn’t bring himself to letting him go alone. He would move to California with him, there was enough money in the bank to put a deposit on a house; if he could find a job there and maybe start fresh.

With that thought though he felt the deepening sorrow in his soul, he missed Cas more than ever, the only thing that kept him from calling him was Sam, the fear of the danger he could put his brother in if he saw him.

His nightmares were becoming more terrifying, he awoke in a cold sweat, dogs, ugly black dogs with red eyes were chasing him, and he couldn’t hide from them. He woke up with a shout and Sam had jumped out of his bed ready to attack, It was all getting too much for both of them.

He walked over to the table where Sam was sitting on his new laptop, and he pulled out the chair and sat down opposite him.

“Sam, we need to talk.” He said thoughtfully, Sam glanced up and then closed his laptop, and leaned back in his chair and gestured for him to talk.

“I’ve been thinking, you’re right, it’s time that we stopped moving.   We should make our way to California and find somewhere to settle, it will be a fresh start for us both.”  Dean smiled, Sam’s eyes lit up, and it was the first time in six months that Dean had seen Sam genuinely smile.

 “wow, Seriously?” Sam asked, disbelievingly; but also excited. Dean nodded, and Sam whooped.

This was the right decision; to be able to see his brother happy again, it definitely was the best plan in a terrible situation.

He faltered for a moment, he could hear dogs howling in the distance, he shook his head and then got off the chair to look out the window, but he couldn’t see anything; There must have been a bunch of pissed off dogs nearby.

He pulled out two bottles of beer and handed one to Sam and opened his own, then raised it to meet Sam’s, the bottles clinked together and then both took a large mouthful of the liquid.

“We will stay the week here in Maine, and then we will start back towards California. It’s going to take a while to get there.  “He announced; smiling.

 

**********************************************

 

Castiel sat in a bar somewhere outside of Idaho, he lost track of where he was a month before,  he stared down at the glass half full in his hand, if he was still human, he would have probably been in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. He had already drunk his body weight in alcohol, jumping bars when he started receiving odd looks but no matter how much he had drunk, it was only lightly affecting him. 

He had long given up hope of finding the brothers, although he didn’t admit that out loud, he still tried to find them; sometimes they were so close to finding them but then somehow miss them. 

It should be easy for an angel to find two humans,  he didn’t require a car to go from one place to another,  he or the other two should have caught up with the brothers by now.  He learned that Dean was paying Cash whenever he and Sam stayed anywhere, he did find that Dean made three withdrawals from his account but by the time he found out the boys were long gone.

They’d been gone eighteen weeks, and five days, no one heard from them, Ellen was equally worried, Bobby had organised a network of hunters from different towns and states. If they saw them, they would call Bobby, on three occasions Hunters had called, but unfortunately the boys they had seen weren’t Sam and Dean.

He had one other option that he was avoiding to do because he didn’t want to scare Dean or make him feel like he was invading his privacy but the more he drank, the more the idea made sense.

It was his now his one and only option, if it didn’t work, then the brothers were lost to them, and he would have to stop this relentless search and going around in circles.

**********************************************

“Man, this burger is so good, I wonder if we can get one to go.” Dean took a large bite out the burger and grinned at his brother when Sam looked at him disgusted.

“How the hell do you fit all that in your mouth?”

Dean shrugged, “Practice?” Dean wiped his hands on his jeans and picked up the menu in the middle of the table. “Hey look, they have a “to go” menu!” Dean read the meals on the menu,

 “The club sandwich sounds good, listen… O _ur triple decker sandwich on Gov’s famous toast with crisp bacon, lettuce, tomato, and mayo. Choose from thinly sliced ham or turkey._ I’m gonna get one to go, do you want one?”

Sam plucked the menu out of Dean’s hand and scanned the list, “ I’m gonna get the Farmhouse salad with chicken.” Sam handed the menu back to Dean and picked up his own burger and took a bite.

“Seriously, out of all that, you’re gonna pick the rabbit food with just a bit of chicken?”

Sam nodded, and Dean shrugged, he put the menu back down. “Have you told Jess about us moving to California?” he asked conversationally.

Sam shook his head, “Not yet,  She’s calling me later, and I’ll tell her then.”

Dean nodded, "I thought that I might give Adam a call later, with everything that’s happened, I forgot to give him my new number.”

Sam raised his eyebrow, “You kept in contact with him?” He asked curiously.

Dean finished the rest of his burger and chewed as quickly as possible, nodding. “Yeah, we' ve talked a couple of times.”

“How come you never mentioned it?” Sam asked, seeming a little weird about it.

“I didn’t think it was something you’d care about,  You don’t have a problem with it, do you?” He asked cocking his head, trying to understand what Sam’s problem could be.

“No, I just find it odd that you haven’t mentioned it until now.”

“Excuse me for not telling you everything that’s going on in my life, should I start telling you when I go the toilet, or maybe when I need to scratch my balls? “ Dean felt his temper rise a little, “And you didn’t exactly give a shit about him when we met him, in fact, you didn’t even talk to him!” Dean screwed up his napkin and placed it on his plate. 

“Why does everything have to turn into an argument? I just asked, sue me.” Sam retorted.

Dean stood up and walked to the cash register with his bill, He paid and walked out, leaving Sam at the table.

He was so sick and tired of the arguments; of course, this one was his fault, he shouldn't have jumped off the deep end. 

He stood at the lights and waited for the go signal before quickly walking across the road and back to the motel.  He would have to apologise to Sam later, he just wanted a beer and needed to take a timeout.

 

**********************************************

 

Castiel stood in the kitchen, Bobby, Gabriel, and Balthazar sitting at the table as he explained the plan.

“If this works, Gabriel will take Sam to your house Bobby, and stay with you both while I speak with Dean. I think I need to sit down and explain everything to him, he needs to understand that we didn’t hide who we were to hurt him, but to protect him.” Castiel looked at the faces of those sitting at the table.

“This has got to work.” He finished off and sat down and rubbed his forehead.

“Well, it’s the only plan we have, it’s better than sitting ‘ere twiddling our thumbs.” Bobby pointed out.

“He’s right Cas, nothing we’ve tried so far has worked, and I’m out of ideas.” Balthazar agreed.

“Well I should get back home and stock up for a growing teenager, Gabriel since I ain't got my truck, could ya give me a lift back?” Bobby asked as he stood up.

Gabriel smiled and clicked his fingers.

Castiel looked at the space where Bobby was a moment before and then back to his brothers, “Well I guess we have work to do.” Balthazar grumbled, and both of them disappeared. Castiel was left in the kitchen alone.

He felt nervous, not seeing Dean for 6 months, he was worried about the reception he would receive.

 

**********************************************

 

Dean sat out the front of the motel,  looking up at the stars, Sam had fallen asleep long before, and he couldn’t sleep, every now and then those damn dogs would growl, bark and howl. 

He lifted the whiskey bottle to his lips and took a long swig of it; feeling it burn on the way down.  It was a warm night, not too hot and not too cold, the sky was clear, and there were so many stars; more than he had seen in a while.

He picked up his mobile from the ground and turned it on. He stared at the screen, his thumb hovering over the keys, he sighed and pressed the power button and watched as the screen turned off again. No,  this was a fresh start. It was time to put the past behind him and just start over.

He stood up and went back inside, placing the whiskey bottle on the kitchen counter as he headed towards his bed, then laid down.

He closed his eyes and very slowly drifted off to sleep.

___

He was sitting in the park, watching a boy play with his father, and he was enjoying the warmth of the sun.

It wasn’t long before he sensed someone sitting further away on the bench and he turned to smile at the person, but then jumped as he found himself face to face with Castiel.

He turned glancing behind himself and then to the side startled. The park disappeared, they were sitting on a tree log in the middle of a forest.

He realised he was dreaming, and looked back at Castiel again; if this was a dream why did Cas seem so real in comparison?

“Hello, Dean,”  Castiel said; smiling slightly.

He stared at Castiel, taking in the blue of his eyes; he missed seeing those eyes every day, he didn’t realise how much he really missed Castiel until that moment, he licked his lips and tried to focus,  he knew he should probably say something.

“Hi,” Dean replied, not sure where this dream was going.

Castiel remained quiet for a moment longer, his mouth turning into a frown.“You need to know something.”

“You’re an angel. I know.” He replied.

Castiel looked down at his hands and then back up.

“I’m not a part of your dream,” Castiel stated simply, 

“What are you talking about?” he asked confused.

“I- This was the only way I could see and speak to you, I’m sorry that I’m invading your dreams, but we need to talk.” Castiel stopped and then waited for him to take it all in.

“So, you’re telling me, that you’re not a part of my dreams, that you’re actually real, in the flesh Cas?” He asked, still unsure if he understood.

“Correct.”

“Am I still asleep in the motel?" He then asked,

“ Yes,” Castiel responded; his eyes staring directly into Deans.

“How did you get here?” He asked,

“We can connect to a human through their dreams. “  

“Okay, so why are you here?” Dean asked, feeling the anger rising a little.

“I told you, we need to talk,” Castiel replied, looking a little alarmed at the tone.

“Well, you’re here. So talk.” Dean snapped; trying to keep himself under control. There was so much that he wanted to say, he knew that he should have been scared, fear should have been waking him up, but the anger overpowered any other emotion that coursed through him.  

“I’m sorry we didn’t tell you that we were angels, we wanted to protect you and Sam.”

“Protect us how? You lied to me Cas, you manipulated everything!” Dean stood up from the tree log and turned and looked down at Castiel.

“You and Sam are the vessels of Michael and Lucifer.  Raphael and Michael want to start the apocalypse-“

Dean interrupted, “Whoa slow down. Who?”

“The archangels,” Castiel replied.

“Wait, so you’re telling me that the archangels have an interest in Sam and me?”

Castiel nodded, “Not just interested; they need you both.”

“Sorry, but I don’t believe that,” Dean replied as he turned around and took a few steps away from Castiel.

“Dean, you have to believe me, Gabriel and I have been trying to keep you both safe, away from the Angels and Demons.”

“And pretending to care about me, where does that fit into all this, was it just some twisted game you wanted to play?” Dean spat out.

Castiel stood up and stepped towards him. “No Dean, I care about you a lot, there’s no game, no pretending. I love you; I have loved you for a very long time.”

Dean spun around to face Castiel, “So why lie to me then! Why couldn’t you have been honest with me and told me who you were?”

“I just… After your mother died, you prayed to God; asking to be switched with your mother, if you had known I was an angel, you would have been angry that your prayers weren’t answered.” Castiel tried to explain the best he could. He paused; watching Dean for a long moment. “ Dean, I’ve missed you so much. I can’t stay here for long because Michael and Raphael could start to listen in. Can you tell me where you are? we can talk more in-depth about it all.”

Dean stared at him for a moment and then looked away, not knowing what he should do. “Can you guarantee that Sam will be in no danger if I tell you?” He finally asked.

Castiel nodded, “Yes. Gabriel will take Sam to Bobby and stay with them both to protect them while we talk.”

Dean took a moment to think about it, he and Sam both trusted Bobby, and there was no way Bobby would let anyone hurt Sam.

He looked up into the blue eyes, which were intensely boring into his; that feeling that felt like Cas was reaching down into his soul was there again. He licked his lower lip, hesitating; He really, really missed Cas.  He nodded.

“We’re at the Anchor Motel in Maine, room 11.”

Castiel nodded, “We will be there shortly, I need to go before it’s unsafe... I love you, Dean,” Castiel said softly before he disappeared.

Dean sat back on the log, for good or bad, he had let them into their lives. He hoped that it wasn’t the wrong choice.

He opened his eyes and suddenly sat up when he felt the presence of someone at the bottom of his bed.

“Cas?” he whispered.

Castiel stepped forward and put his finger to his lips and looked over at the other dark figure that was approaching Sam. There was a long moment, and then  Sam and Gabriel were gone.

He leaned over and put on the light, blinking several times as his eyes grew accustomed to it.

He looked back over to Castiel; who was now sitting on the edge of his bed, he moved to sit on Sam's one and faced Castiel.

“So, we’re alone, now you need to explain everything to me.” Dean wasn’t going to let the urge to kiss Castiel get in the way of finding out what the hell was going on; why he and Sam could be even remotely relevant to the Angels.

 

 

**********************************************

 

 

It was close to midnight by the time Castiel finished explaining everything to him; excluding Deans hunter life, Dean didn’t need to know about the other life they had lived before he changed everything.

Dean sat quietly on the edge of the bed; deep in thought and he sat and watched him. 

The moment he saw Dean he felt relieved that he was okay, but he also felt a relief deep down in the core of his essence, like an internal sigh. It had been far too long.

Once Dean had given him their location, he was excited to see him in the flesh, but the worst wasn’t over yet, Dean could still push him away.

Dean’s head snapped up and looked at the door, Castiel heard the hounds and turned to look also and then back at Dean.  His world stopping at that moment.

Why were hell-hounds doing near Dean? He stood up and moved quickly to the window and peered out.

Dean came up behind him to take a look out the window. “They’ve been like that all day, but I can’t-“, Dean froze, and Castiel stared at the hound that was sitting on the edge of the car lot looking directly at the window.

“Wait, what the hell are they?” Dean asked sounding confused.

“You can see them?” Castiel asked carefully and put the curtain back into place, turning to look at Dean.

“Yeah, anyone with eyes can see them.” Dean scoffed.

“No, Dean they can’t,” Castiel stated firmly.

Dean looked at him and then back to the window and peered out between the gap in the curtain.

“ Well how can anyone miss them, they’re ugly big black dogs. It’s not like –“

“Dean you need to tell me what you’ve done. “ Castiel felt the panic rise, when did Dean sell his soul and why?

Dean spun around to face Castiel, “What the hell do you mean? What I’ve done?”

“Those dogs are hell-hounds, no one can see them unless you’re a demon, an angel.., or you sold your soul,” Castiel said firmly. “When did you sell your soul, Dean?”

The hell-hounds were growing louder, and he watched as Dean visually winced at his question.

“I- I thought it wasn’t real-“ Dean stammered, Castiel could see the fear rising in Dean.

“When Dean? It’s important! When did you sell your soul?” Castiel pushed further, he needed to know when and why. He needed to know how to fix it.

“Um, when Sam was dying in the hospital, a woman-Meg, she took me to some crossroads, and a woman appeared and said that –“

Castiel interrupted him, they didn’t have much time. He calculated in his head the amount of time that had passed. “18 months ago? Did the demon give you 18 months?” He pushed again.

Dean nodded. “Yeah, she said all I had to do is give her my soul and Sam would be better. She said she’d see me in 18 months. God, Cas.. what does that mean?”

“Dean, it means you’re going to die the moment that clock turns to midnight,” Castiel said harshly; Feeling the anger rise in him,  angry at Dean for being so foolish but also at himself, at his brother and at Bobby, if one of them had followed him that day, this wouldn’t have been happening.

He turned abruptly and flung open the door and stepped outside, He moved as close to the hell-hounds as he dared and then raised his hand. He gathered the power of his grace and released it at the dogs; causing them to yelp and fall to the ground.

That would delay it for a little while, but he needed to find Gabriel, then find out who held the contract and destroy it.

He abruptly turned back and walked into the motel room and directly to the kitchen.  He would seal the doors and windows with salt, that will keep Dean safe while he was gone. He couldn’t take Dean to Bobby’s because it would bring danger to Sam and Bobby. The last thing they needed was the demons knowing where Sam was too.

He cursed when he found just small sachets of salt and he turned back to Dean; his heart falling as he saw the fear and confusion in the older Winchester. He wanted to reassure him, but they didn’t have time.

“Dean, Stay here. Do not leave the motel room. They are gone for now, but there will be more.” He instructed and left to go to a closed store a few blocks away.

He picked up several large bags of salt and quickly shifted back to the motel. Dean jumped; startled when he stood just inches from him.

“Here, put this salt across the window, do not leave any gaps.” He instructed, and he watched as Dean moved towards the window.

He turned and ripped open the top of the bag and poured the contents across the door. He moved around the motel making sure to cover every window.

Once he was done he turned to Dean, “I need to go and get Gabriel. We need to find the demon who holds the contract to your soul and destroy it. Do not move out of this motel, even if you hear more hell-hounds. Stay on the bed, the salt will prevent them coming into the room as long as you don’t break the lines.”

Dean nodded, Castiel noticed the tear running down Dean’s cheek,  leaned closed and wiped the tear away with his thumb and then leaned in and gave him a chaste kiss and pressed his forehead against Deans. ”Don’t worry, we’ll fix this. They won’t get to you.“ Castiel stood back up and moved to the foot of the bed. He mustered up what he hoped was a reassuring smile and then he was standing outside Bobby’s place.

 **********************************************

He walked into the house it was quiet, “Hello?” he called out; there was no answer. He closed his eyes and called out to Gabriel, but he got no response, he moved quickly down to the safe room, and the door was open, but no one was there.

He left the house and tried to call Gabriel again, there was a flap of wings behind him, and he felt the relief instantly, but then was replaced with fear as he heard another set of wings. He spun around and found Zachariah and Uriel standing; smirking down at him, blades in their hands.  There was another flap of wings behind him, and he turned to face Raphael who leered at him.

“Hello, Castiel.” Raphael drooled out, seeming bored with the encounter.

“What have you done with them?” Castiel demanded.

Raphael looked towards the house. “ Well, isn’t that interesting, I was going to ask you the same thing Castiel.“ 

If the angels didn’t have them, then where were they? “I don’t know where they are,” Castiel replied honestly, He realised then that he probably wasn’t going to get out of this easily, perhaps even alive.

“We have Gabriel, but he doesn’t seem willing to tell us where the boy is.” Raphael continued.

“You don’t have to do this Raphael, the apocalypse doesn’t have to be fought.” He pleaded; although he knew it was pointless.

“Oh, but it does Castiel,“ Raphael smirked and looked past him to Zachariah and Uriel. “You know what to do with him. I’m going to speak to Dean Winchester.”

Castiel felt suddenly cold, and he stared at Raphael; who was now looking back at him.”You sent a great deal of power out when you killed those Hellhounds; Thank you, by the way, we had such trouble locating the Winchesters, and you have led us straight to him.”

“Don’t you dare touch him!” Castiel shouted, blade now in his hand and he moved towards Raphael as two pairs of hands landed on his shoulders and arms and yanked him back.

“Take him to heaven,” Raphael ordered.

Castiel felt the wind knocked out of him as he felt a blow to his stomach; his blade falling to the ground. Then he was standing in front of the bars of Heavens jail.

 **********************************************

Dean laid on the bed; feeling anxious, it was quiet, and every time a car drove past it made him jump.

He didn’t want to die. If it were a year ago, he would have welcomed it but not now. Things were getting better, he didn’t suffer from the nightmares every night, sometimes the dreams didn’t even include the night his mum died, they were random ones that included monsters.

He heard the door open, and he turned to see the shadow of a man walking in. The man scuffed his foot against the salt line, and Dean sat up. “Cas?” he asked

The man approached quietly, Dean squinted and then felt the hair on the nape of his neck raise as the man's features came into view.

“Who are you?” Dean asked cautiously.

“Dean Winchester, we meet again.”

“I’m sorry, have we met?”

Raphael laughed half-heartedly, “You could say that. You might have heard some things about me. I’m Raphael.”

Shit, Where was Cas? He tried to get up and move away from the Archangel.

 “Sit down, I insist.” Raphael drooled out, sounding bored. Dean felt a force shove him back and pressure that pushing against his body, forcing him to stay in place. He gritted his teeth.

“What do you want from me?”  He asked; grinding his teeth.

Raphael moved closer and glared down at him.

“In five minutes, hellhounds will come in here and take your soul to hell, when you’re there, you’re going to submit and say yes,” Raphael ordered.

“What if I don’t?” Dean asked, sounding braver than he felt.

“If you don’t, I will tear your brother apart limb from limb,” Raphael said simply; shrugging his shoulders.

Dean stopped struggling against the pressure and stared up at the angel. “You have Sam?” he asked now sounding scared; that would mean they found where Sam and Gabriel was.

“Not yet, but we will find him soon enough. “ Raphael stepped forward and picked up Dean’s mobile, and the screen lit up. “Especially when he hears your voice asking him to come back here.”

The anger rose suddenly, “You touch Sam, and I swear, I will come back, and I will hunt you down then kill you.”  He stopped and stared up at the archangel, surprised at his own words, holy shit, did he just threaten to kill an archangel?

Raphael laughed. “I’d like to see you try.”

“Why?” Dean asked the question and it seemed to have surprised Raphael.

“Why what?”  Raphael asked.

“Why do you want the apocalypse?”  He was curious, if everything Cas had told him were right, then the world would be all but destroyed.

“Why anything? “ Raphael responded before pausing to consider the question more. “Its fathers will. We; the angels are tired. We just want peace. We want paradise. Don’t you want peace, Dean? No more war, hunger or famine? The Apocolypse will bring paradise to everyone. “

Dean cocked his head. “That’s not what I heard. I hear that half the world would be laid to waste. Half the population would be destroyed.”

Raphael cocked his own head. “So what? Why does a few billion apes dead matter, when the end will bring Paradise?”

Both Raphael and Dean turned their heads towards the door as there was a growl. Dean stared at the huge dog standing at the door, it’s teeth bared and growling.

“Well,  that’s my cue to leave. Remember what I said.”

Dean turned back and found the room empty.

Shit, He didn’t want to die.

He struggled against the pressure that kept him on the bed and tried to get away from the dog that was skulking forward towards him.

Shit, shit, shit. The dog pounced towards him and with the first sharp pain ripping across his chest, he screamed Castiel’s name into the darkness.

 

**********************************************

Castiel paced back and forth in the cell, waiting for anyone to show up, he needed to find a way out, he needed to get back to Dean before the hellhounds were there, he needed to protect him. Where were Sam and Bobby?

He heard the door of the cells open, and he ran to the bars and tried to see who it was.

Raphael came into view, walking towards him, hatred oozing from every pore of the vessel that Raphael was currently occupying, a small twisted smile causing a chill to run up the back of his neck.

“You’re lucky you’re here Castiel.  What I wanted to do to you would have destroyed our plans. We can’t have you in hell saving Dean. Although the thought of you here, worrying about your boyfriend, knowing as we speak he is in that motel room alone with those filthy hellhounds closing in, it gives a sweet sense of satisfaction. You’re powerless to help him; no one can help him now. Soon he will be hells bitch, as he would say.  “

“You will pay for this Raphael, If I ever get out of here, I’m going to find a way to destroy you, the same way I destroyed you the last time.”

Raphael’s smile faltered slightly, and he turned around to make his way out of the room, stopping with his back to him.

“That was a mistake on your part Castiel, by the time we’re done with you, there will be very little you can do for anyone, even for yourself.”

He stared at the retreating back until the door closed behind it and then began to pace the small cell again. He had to find a way out, he couldn’t allow Dean to go through it alone, and Sam, he needed to find out where Sam was. Where did Gabriel send him?

He moved to the bench and slumped down on it and buried his face in his hands. There wasn’t anything he could do, except wait, maybe he could talk another Angel in to releasing him and then he could go to hell and pull him out. 

It felt like a long time before he heard the door of the jail open, once again and he stood up quickly, stepping to the bars. This was his chance to plead his case to whichever Angel had entered. As the figure came in to view, he felt all hope leave him.

“Raphael. You don’t have to do this.  Please at least hear me out. There is still time to save Dean and prevent the seals being broken-“, Raphael let out a loud laugh.

Castiel fell to his knees and covered his ears as he heard the scream of pain coming through loud, it was Dean, he was in pain and calling for him. He felt the pain course through his heart, through his essence, the sound was tortured, and tears gathered in his eyes as he looked up to Raphael who was now laughing louder.

“It’s too late Castiel.  Dean is where he is meant to be, becoming acquainted with Alastair as we speak. Now it’s time for you to leave.”

Castiel scrambled to his feet, trying hard to push what he felt aside, he could leave? He could save Dean. He looked up hopeful at Raphael. “What?”

“Oh don’t look so hopeful Castiel.  You won’t be able to save Dean, You won’t have the strength.”

Uriel and Zachariah entered the room, and Castiel growled at them as they moved quickly to stand each side of Raphael, leering at him, the corners of their mouths twitching slightly into a smug smile.

Raphael opened the cell door, and the two Angels stepped inside, taking hold of his arms, a hand resting firmly on each of his shoulders.

“What are you planning on doing, Raphael?”

Raphael stepped inside the cell, Blade coming in to view.

He couldn’t let this happen, he struggled against the firm grip of Uriel and Zachariah, but it was no use. Raphael stepped forward as Uriel yanked his head back, gripping his hair firmly, so he was unable to move it.

He felt the sting as the blade sliced across his throat and then watched as his grace flowed out into a vile. Raphael healed the cut and laughed at him.

“You are free to leave. Oh, but I must warn you, don’t do anything strenuous, it would be a shame if your weak heart gave out.”

He gasped and fell to his knees, hand pushing against the spot where his heart laid beneath, sharp pains rain through his left arm and down his hand as he struggled to breathe until the pain slowly subsided. He looked up finding Raphael looming above him, still smirking.

“Go.”

The light blinded him, and he felt his body falling, air rushing past him as he fell to earth.

 

 


	33. Through Hell and back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry guys!! <3

Castiel found himself on the floor of the motel, his muscles and bones ached, he blinked several times and stared at the bed and at the hand that hung limply over the edge, then to the blood-soaked sheet hanging down to the floor; where there was a small pool of drying blood.

He swallowed hard, and tears began to slip across the bridge of his nose and onto the floor beneath him. He failed to protect him, and now he was dead. His soul was in hell; being tortured by Alastair and there wasn’t anything he could do to save him.

He felt weak; not just in body but in mind and soul too.

He moved his head slowly and winced at the pain that accompanied the movement, but tried to ignore it as he started to get himself onto his hands and knees.

He breathed out slowly and crawled over to the bed, fearing the scene of Dean’s body as he moved closer.

He knelt beside the bed and warily reached out to touch Dean’s hand, it was already turning cold. He broke down and cried, tears streaming down his face and a guttural sound escaping his throat, it was the first time he felt grief as a human and he could feel his chest exploding and imploding at the same time. He brought his forehead to Dean’s hand and wished he could do something to bring him back, to heal him.

He kept his eyes closed, he couldn’t bring himself to see the injuries that Dean had suffered, the echo of Dean’s tortured screams replayed in his mind and he wept holding Dean’s hand.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He repeated over and over again; tears dripping down Dean’s hand onto the sheet.  Was this how Dean had felt for all those years?

 He attempted to breathe through his sobs, but it was painful, and the dull pain of his heart beating faster caused him to grit his teeth.  How was he meant to save Dean from Hell when even crying caused his heart malfunction?

He wiped his nose on the sleeve of his shirt and looked up through puffy red eyes at Dean’s face and noticed his eyes were still open.

He wearily got to his feet, keeping his eyes on Dean’s face; avoiding seeing his body. He leaned closer and closed Dean’s eyes.

It was challenging to keep focused on his face only, but he couldn’t’ face the injuries, through the aeons of years, he had seen bodies in different gory scenarios, but this was different,  he couldn’t bring himself to see Dean. He knew it was unavoidable, he would have to soon enough, but not at that moment.

He limped over to Sam’s bed and pulled a blanket off the top and then threw it over Dean’s body, adequately covering the wounds.

He took a chair from the kitchen area and dragged it closer to Dean’s side and sat down. He leaned forward and picked up Dean’s hand and held it between his own. Dean’s fingers were ice cold, and he kept them between his hands, trying to warm them up; even though he knew it was pointless.

 He tried to think of what he needed to do next. With Gabriel captured and Sam and Bobby god only knew where. He needed to bury Dean’s body before anyone found him.

Of course, there will be angels heading to hell once Dean said yes, and they would need his body. Once the angels brought Dean back, he wouldn’t see him, they would take him directly to Michael, There was no way he would survive having Michael taking control of him. He would be nothing but a drooling comatose patient.

There was a buzzing sound coming from the table, and Castiel turned to see what was making the noise. It was his mobile. He checked his pockets to confirm it was his. He stood up, limped over and picked up the mobile. It was Bobby. He quickly clicked the answer button.

“Bobby.” He answered.

“Castiel, are you and Dean okay?”

Castiel closed his eyes as relief came over him when Bobby’s voice came over the speaker of the phone but it was quickly replaced with an overwhelming amount of sadness as he turned to look at Dean on the bed.

He swallowed and tried to keep his voice as natural as possible, but was failing as a new wave of tears began. “No, Dean… he sold his soul… I couldn’t save him. Raphael… found me and.. he sent  me to Heaven’s jail and let the hounds into Dean.” He took a deep breath in and then let it out slowly and looked at the ceiling; trying to calm himself.

Bobby was quiet for a long time, and Castiel wasn’t sure he was still there, “Bobby?”

“Balls!” Bobby finally shouted.

“Well, are you and Gabe gonna go save him?” Bobby asked as if it was merely a bump in their plans.

“No.” He replied, staving off the tears that were once again threatening to fall.

“Why the hell not?” Bobby demanded.

“I can’t,” Castiel replied.

“And I ask again, why the hell not?” Bobby demanded.

“I’m human. Gabriel has been taken somewhere by Michael and Raphael. “

He heard Bobby curse several more times. “So what are we gonna do? “

Castiel sighed, “I’m not sure, the angels will bring Dean back once he has agreed to torture souls, perhaps there will be a way to get to Dean before they do, by burying his body and then keeping watch over him until he claws his way out of the ground.”

Castiel closed his eyes; trying to ignore the images that were playing through his mind, the body that was ripped to ribbons when he went to heal it before he went to save Dean from hell.

Bobby broke through his memories as he began to speak again,“I’m gonna drive over and help.” Bobby stated.

Castiel panicked. “No!” he said quickly into the mouthpiece.

“You have to remain away from here. Raphael will be watching, now that they have Dean where they want him, they will be looking for Sam.”

He was curious to know what happened to them at Bobby’s and where they were, but it was safer if he didn’t ask, the angels could be listening and he wasn’t going to cause another Winchester to be found.

“I will take Dean myself; I will find somewhere isolated.“  He finally said into the silence of the phone.

Bobby grunted, but it also sounded like he was sniffing. “Are you okay Bobby?” Castiel asked. “He was my boy, he shouldn’t have gone like that… Was he alone when they got him?”

Castiel tried not to cry as the memory of his screams flooded his mind again..  “Yes.” Was all he could manage.

“I have to go, Bobby, whatever happens, you must stay away, Just keep a watch on Sam and don’t let him go out on his own.  I trust that Gabriel has put you somewhere safe. Make sure Sam keeps the ring on too. “

“Yeah, the boy ain't going anywhere without me,” Bobby replied.

“Okay, we’ll talk soon.” Castiel turned off the mobile and slowly walked back to the bed; feeling exhausted. He pulled another blanket off Sam’s bed and wrapped it around himself then sat back in the chair.

He woke up slowly, his body aching from sitting in the chair for the few short hours he must have been asleep. He looked over to the bed where Dean was laying, and everything flooded back. 

He couldn’t stay sitting, so he stood and went into the bathroom and relieved himself. He stepped to the sink to wash his hands and face. He looked up into the mirror and stared at the unrecognizable face in front of him.

His eyes were bloodshot, and the area surrounding them were red and puffy, he had a bruise on his cheek; which he had no idea how it had got there, his hair stood up in all different directions. He leaned down and soaked his face with water and reached for the soap and scrubbed his face raw and then peered back into the mirror. It had done nothing to change his appearance, and he sighed and picked up the towel to dry his face, then left the room.

He sat back down on the chair and felt a twinge in his chest, his heart sped up and then slowed down, and he rubbed above the area. He would have to wait until it was dark outside so he could remove Dean’s body out of the motel, but how was he going to transport him and where? He stared at Dean, trying to keep his emotions under control, trying to keep his focus on what to do, but it was hard seeing him lifeless in front of him.

He stood up and walked out of the room, and into the bathroom; needing some time to think where he wasn’t distracted. He put the toilet seat down and sat down on it. He could figure this out, he survived a lot the last time he became human, and he managed to figure things out back then; although not everything turned out well.

A thought crossed his mind, Dean came back from purgatory and ended up in Maine, which would mean somewhere there was the exit to purgatory, Sam had used a reaper to take him into purgatory to rescue Bobby from Hell through the back door.

What if he could find one to help him? He could go to hell and save Dean. It would be dangerous; he had a malfunctioning heart, but it was at least possible.

He left the bathroom and opened the map that was on the table and looked for wooded areas where he could move Dean temporarily, if he could get back out of Hell and through purgatory with Dean, he could take him back to his body. Dean had brought Benny back through the portal, and the vampire was just a skeleton.  It should restore Dean to his body and heal it too.

He felt the hope rise inside of him as he started mapping out his plan in his head. The only problem was remembering the incantation that Benny had taught Dean. Then there was finding the reaper that he could convince to help him at risk the wrath of Michael and Raphael.

Where was Balthazar? He hadn’t thought about him over the course of everything that happened, he was meant to report back once he had seen to the Angels that had been captured the year before.  Was he safe? He wanted to contact him to find out, but he didn’t want to risk alerting other angels to Balthazar's location.

This whole thing was a mess, nothing they planned had worked out, maybe this wouldn’t work out either. He turned to look at Dean, no, this would work, he would make damn sure of it.

He stepped over to Dean and placed his hand on his cold cheek, scanning his features that looked peaceful. “Dean I’m going to keep my promise and save you, even if it costs me my life.” He whispered, he leaned down and kissed his forehead and then stood up and began to pace, he needed someone who could transport him, plenty of Reapers would do it for payment, but he had nothing to offer.

He stopped suddenly; there was someone who he may be able to convince. He closed his eyes and silently prayed. When he opened his eyes, Tessa stood by Dean, looking down at him; seeming saddened.

“Do you remember him?” He asked her curiously.

She nodded, “We don’t have the same luxury of forgetting events that never was.” She turned to face him.

“What do you want Castiel?” She demanded,

“I need you to take me into purgatory; to the back door of Hell.” He said immediately, stepping closer to her.

Her eyes widened and then shook her head.” I can’t do that. “ she replied.

“Please Tessa, I’m asking you because no one else will help me.”

“What makes you think I will help you?” she cocked her head to the side and waited for his answer.

“You care about him.” Castiel nodded behind her to Dean, she turned her head to glance at him, then turned back. “What makes you think that?” she asked

“He saved you from being sacrificed.” He pointed out and then added, “You owe me also, for planning to frame me when Metatron was attempting to gain support.” He raised his eyebrow at her and then tilted his head.

She turned and walked around the bed to the other side, and looked back to Castiel again.

“Very well. I will take you as far as the back door to hell, but you will have to find your own way out.” She looked back down at Dean, “Meet me near 100-mile wilderness adventure at midnight, on North Blanchard Shirley road. “

She moved back to the table to the map and pointed to a spot on the road, “around here there’s a little clearing, you can hide the Impala there, which will hide Dean from view if you leave him in the car. However, you can’t take too long because someone will find the car and alert the police if it’s there for too long. You will have around 24 hours to get in and out without the risk of the Impala being found.” She looked up to Castiel, and he nodded.

“Thank you, Tessa,” He said, smiling slightly.

She smiled and then disappeared.

He looked around the room and then back to Dean, he stepped over to him and smiled. “You’ll be home soon.” He whispered.

He sighed out loud, Dean’s skin had changed colour, the pink of his skin now held a whitish paleness, parts were almost grey. He lifted the blanket gently and pulled it over his head.

 While Castiel waited for night to fall, He cleaned up the motel and packed the Impala with the brother’s clothing. It was slow going as he tried to push away the memory of Dean’s screams and the thoughts of what he would be going through in hell.

By the end, he was moving around systematically cleaning and packing; numb to his emotions and deaf to his thoughts.

     There was one last thing to do, and he was delaying the moment as much as he could get away with but now that everything else was packed in the car, the motel was cleaned up the best he could to not draw attention, he turned to Dean. He needed to wrap him up carefully.

He stepped over to the bed and peered down at the covered body, and breathed in steadily as possible and closed his eyes, this was the moment he was dreading, he would see wounds he never wanted to see on Dean again.

He opened his eyes and took a fist fall of the blanket and ripped it off the bed and then trailed down Dean’s brutally shredded body. He felt his stomach twist and turn, and he gagged as he took in the severity of the wounds, but tried to remain firm on the spot. 

Tears escaped and ran down his cheek as he took in what the hound did to him.

He closed his eyes and tried to think about the future, Dean would be safe, his body would be whole again; this was temporary, Dean will be fine.

He repeated the words in his mind until he could hold on to them without having to try, and then picked up the blanket he had taken off and shaken it out. He needed to turn Dean enough to slide the blanket beneath him and then make sure it wrapped around him and remained in place. It wasn’t going to be easy, and he felt a twinge of pain in his chest again.

He massaged the area and hoped that the malfunctioning heart could take the strain it was going to be put under; he didn’t plan on stopping until Dean was topside again.

***************************************************************

 

It took Castiel two hours to wrap and bind Dean in the blanket, then to lift and carry him on to Sams bed. Dean was heavy and Castiel struggled, feeling pain shoot through his chest and pins and needle sensations ran through his left arm, but he refused to stop and give in.

He pulled the bloody sheets and blankets from Dean’s bed and shoved them into a bag; he would have to take it all with them. He cleaned the mattress the best he could; removing some of the blood stains, then turned the mattress over. Once it was done, he sat down in the chair and waited for the sun to set.

An hour later he looked outside into the parking lot and found no one around. He opened the back door to the Impala, then moved quickly back inside to pick up Dean’s body, he staggered several times as he took the weight of the man and slowly walked out of the motel and to the car.

Getting him into the back of the car was harder than he thought, Dean wasn’t a short man, and he had to bend his legs.

He sighed with relief as he finally shut the back door of the car and moved quickly to the motel and locked the door.

He climbed into the driver's seat and stared at the dashboard, this was the first time he was going to drive Dean’s pride and joy, and he wasn’t there to see it; although maybe that was a good thing.

He turned the key and felt as the engine roared to life, he had four hours to get to the other side of Maine.

***************************************************************

 

He made it to the road with just ten minutes left to spare, so he pulled into the small clearing, He began chopping some of the tree branches down so he could hide the back of the Impala as much as possible.

By the time he placed the last branch behind the car, he had heard Tessa step up beside him, “That won’t hide the car for long, but it might buy you a little more time,” she observed and then turned completely to face him. “Are you ready?” She asked.

Castiel nodded, glancing once more at the Impala, Tessa smiled and placed her hand firmly on his shoulder.

As they stood in the forest of purgatory, Castiel felt the wind knocked out of him. Travelling as a human wasn’t pleasant, he understood Dean’s reluctance.  He turned to Tessa and smiled slightly and looked around, it was weird being there again, he shivered at the memories of the place, the monsters, and the smell.

 He couldn’t stay in one place for long. He had to find Hell before the residents of purgatory sensed him.

“Thank you.” He nodded, smiling at Tessa,

“Good luck.’ She said, and then she disappeared, he turned around and began walking in the direction that he knew Hells backdoor was located, not stopping long enough for monsters to attack.

He remained on guard, and he walked through the dense forest; picking up a makeshift short sword that was discarded by a tree and moved on; trying to not make a sound.  He looked at the tree ahead and sighed with relief.

He approached the entrance to hell and heard a noise behind him, he spun around and stood in the middle of the forest, sword in hand; ready to swing it the moment one of purgatories residents rushed at him. He made his way carefully to the door to hell, hidden within a hole of the tree.

He took a deep breath, making sure he had everything he needed, then bent low and made his way through.

It was cold and dark, he couldn’t see much in front of him, maybe a few feet but that was all. He could hear the occupants of the cells as he passed them, ignoring them as much as he could as he tried to remember which way he and his garrison had gone when they had saved Dean before.

It was slow, he had to hide when Demons came up towards him, and each time his heart fluttered and then speeded up, causing a slight pain to radiate through.

He hoped his plan would work before his heart gave out, he waited until the demon past him and made it’s way out of the dark, cold, dank hall and continued past more cells; more tortured souls.  Their cries and pleads for help etched slowly into his mind. 

He had to get to Dean before he gave up and agreed to torture souls, but how was he meant to do that?It was just him, a human with a weak, malfunctioning heart.

He could hear screams coming from the distance he recognized it immediately as Dean’s. His heart quickened again, stuttering every few beats and he clutched at his chest, he turned into a side hallway, taking deep breaths to steady his anxiety.

 The pain dulled slower than he wanted. He closed his eyes for a second, just breathing in calmly and letting it out until the pain subsided.

He needed to keep calm, the last time he was here, the screams hadn’t affected him. Maybe because he neither knew nor loved Dean, this time it was different. He knew and loved him, would die to save him; if that is what it would take and it appeared more and more likely with each painful stab of his heart.  He tried to calculate how long he had been there but with time flowing so different down in hell, it was impossible to tell.. Maybe seconds? Minutes? Hours? He didn’t know.

He followed down the corridor for another hour before a demon came out of nowhere, throwing him to the ground, eyes black.  He tried to move but the demon sat on top of him, his knees effectively pinning Castiel’s arms to the ground.

 

He gripped the short sword, holding it ready, waiting for the demon to shift his weight off of his arm.

“We were told that you might show up to save your boyfriend.” The Demon sneered, smirking.

“That doesn’t surprise me.” He puffed out, feeling breathless from the force of being knocked to the ground.  “Which side was it? Raphael?“ He scowled at the demon above him. He cringed when he heard Dean’s voice howl in pain as it echoed through the corridor. The demon laughed at him.

“Oh, don’t like to hear the screams of your boyfriend? Alastair is having fun with him, he’s being extra creative, carving into him like he was putty. “

Castiel winced and tried to shut out his words as pain stabbed in his chest.

“You will be sorry you filthy cockroach.“ He growled out, anger spilling from every pore of his body, he wanted nothing more than to shred the demon apart with his bare hands. Another pain sharply stabbed and he took slow, measured breaths, trying to calm his mind and body. He couldn’t die yet. Not until he reached Dean.

Pain shot through his jaw, he turned to look at the demon and spat the blood that pooled in his mouth at its face.

It probably wasn’t the best idea he had, as he begun to gasp for air, the hands of the demon around his throat; slowly pushing more pressure against his windpipe. The demon leaned down to his ear and inadvertently shifted his weight enough for Castiel to free his arm which he held the sword in,  and in one quick motion he brought the sword up and diagonal,  cutting deep into the Demons arm, severing muscle and tendon. The demon fell back and howled in pain long enough for him to turn onto his stomach and scramble to his feet, he pulled the demon blade out of his sock at the same time.

He turned and ran the blade into the demon's chest, taking pleasure listening to the screams and then watched as it slumped to the ground. He cleaned the knife on his pants and slowly dragged the demon into the side passage, hoping no one would be alerted until he was far gone from there.

He turned and stepped towards the opening, suddenly becoming dizzy, pins and needles raining through his left arm and hand; the stabbing pain gripped tighter, and he stumbled and reached out for the wall to support him.

“Not yet,” he thought to himself. “Not until I’ve saved Dean.”  He slid down the wall and closed his eyes; willing himself to calm down, breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth.

The pain subsided gradually, and he waited some time before attempting to stand back up. It was slower and harder than he expected it to be.

He heard footsteps, and he pushed himself back against the wall as much as possible into the shadows until the footsteps faded away.

He moved slowly to the end of the side hall and looked both ways carefully before he walked back out and continued along the hallway.

 He noticed the cells weren’t as populated as he travelled further into the bowels of the structure, he heard Dean scream again, and he wanted to run and kill the bastard who was hurting him; but kept his steady pace until he reached a junction, then turned right.

As he turned the second corner, he walked into a demon, thankful that he still held the demon blade, he shoved it into the neck of the Demon,  looking him in the eyes as it slowly died. He pushed the Demon to the side and continued forward. He wasn’t that far from the room they had saved Dean from the first time, and he ducked back into the shadows of a side passageway to take a break and catch his breath and wait for Alastair to leave the room. It wouldn’t be long before he left and let Dean think about accepting his offer or not.

He would wait until then, once Alastair left, he would go in and take Dean down from the rack and take them both out of hell.

 He waited, trying to ignore the painful screams; sometimes putting his hands over his ears to muffle them, and then the screams stopped. He slowed his breathing down so he could listen easier.  After 45 minutes of silence, he left the safety of the passageway and walked directly to the area were the torture rooms where.

He slowed down once he was close to the first of the eight rooms, and peered inside, the room was empty, so he moved on to the next one.  The first six rooms were empty, there were only two rooms left.

He crept quietly to the seventh one and felt relieved when he found Dean suspended, held by chains, his head hanging down; eyes closed.

His heart doubled in speed, and he had to calm himself again, He wanted so much to be able to just teleport him out of there, but with no powers. He had to try and get him down and out of there before anyone came to check on him.

He stepped into the room cautiously; looking around it to make sure no one was standing in the shadows. Once he was sure no one was there, he stepped forward until he was in front of Dean.

“Dean?” he whispered, he raised his hand and cupped Dean’s cheek.

“Cas?” Dean croaked out; his eyes half closed and he struggled to look up.

“Yes, it’s me, Dean, I’m going to get you out of here.”

Dean nodded, and his head fell forward again.

Castiel moved to the shackles that held Dean’s arms, trying to remove them, but they wouldn’t budge, he quickly walked over to the table and picked up a bar and moved back and tried wedging it between the metal, willing it to open.

It still wouldn’t budge, he cursed. He hadn’t brought anything to break them.

“Cas?” Dean whispered.

Castiel stopped what he was doing and quickly went back to Dean. “I’m here Dean.” He reassured him.

“Is… Is Sam safe?” Dean asked hoarsely.

“Yes, he’s safe with Bobby.” Castiel smiled and rested his hand on Dean’s left upper arm.

Dean let out a howl of pain, and Castiel jumped back, fearing he had done something wrong.

He looked at Dean’s arm; his eyes widened as the handprint that shouldn’t be possible glowed.

Dean’s eyes rolled back into his head, and Castiel hastily tried to move the shackles; panicking.

He heard footsteps enter the room and he froze. Damn.

“Well, well, what do we have here?” Alastair said, stepping into the room.

Castiel turned to face him and stepped in front of Dean to keep Alastair away from him, he didn’t say a word, he just glowered at him. Alastair was grinning as he picked up a knife from the table and then slid his fingers along the length of the sharp blade.

“I’m going to enjoy feeling this slide in between your ribs, and watching your life slide away.” His smile turned feral, and he stepped towards him.  Castiel advanced forward and slammed the blade into Alastair's stomach, he knew it probably wasn’t going to do anything, but it would wound him, if he could push him back away from Dean, and get himself closer to the table, he could use the weapons to kill him.

Alastair recovered quicker than he hoped and lunged forward at him, he felt pain rip through his side as the blade slid into his body. He fell to the ground; clutching his side.

The room began to brighten, and he turned towards Dean, who was burning brighter and brighter.

He fell back onto the floor as he watched Dean pull the shackles of his ankles and wrists off the rack structure and then step down.  Castiel could barely see Dean’s face, the small amount he could see; he looked furious, and he stepped forcefully towards Alastair.

Alastair backed away until he hit the wall and Dean grabbed him by the throat and squeezed.

Alastair screamed in pain and began burning until he finally turned to ash.

Dean turned to look at him, still burning bright and Castiel pulled himself to his feet, still clutching his side as he stepped Closer.

“Dean, it’s safe now, you need to calm down. You're burning your soul.”

Dean looked at him confused, and then looked at his hands but didn’t say anything.

“Dean, Please. If you don’t, you will burn out of existence. “

Castiel reached out with his hand and took Deans in his own. “Please.” He pleaded. Dean looked into Castiel’s eyes and the light slowly dimmed to nothing.

He breathed out in relief and smiled,  then abruptly fell to his knees, the pain in his chest was crippling, and he could barely breathe.

Dean was suddenly kneeling in front of him, “Cas, Are you alright?” he asked, looking worried.

The pain subsided, and he slowly lifted his head to look at Dean, “We don’t have much time, we have to get out of here.” He said gritting his teeth.

“We can’t leave yet, we need to find something to stop the bleeding Cas.”

“We don’t have time, we have to leave now, I can deal with this when we’re out of purgatory.” Castiel insisted and stood up and moved towards the door limping.

He turned finding Dean stepping towards the table of weapons and torture tools and watched as he shoved a blade into his back pocket of his jeans and then picked up the bar and joined him at the door.

“Okay, let’s do this,” Dean said smiling as he stepped through the door first.

Castiel paused for a second, watching Dean as he moved swiftly down the hallway, there was something not quite right, Dean was acting differently.

When Dean reached the corner and looked around it an then back at him, he suddenly gasped.  It was the Dean of the old timeline.

Dean gestured with his head to keep moving, and he followed him around, trying to ignore the pain and blood from his side and the dull throbbing in his chest.

As they made their way back through the passageways, they encountered two demons, and Dean disposed of them quickly before they realized who was standing in front of them.

 That was Castiel’s confirmation. In front of him was the Dean he had stood and fought beside for many years, but how was that possible?

They got back out into purgatory, and Castiel stumbled to the tree log nearby, Dean rushed over and kneeled down to look at the wound.

“Shit Cas, Take off your shirt.” He demanded.

Castiel winced as he moved to take his shirt off and handed it to Dean.

Dean began shredding the material and folding several pieces, he placed it over the wound and then took off his own belt and tightened it around Castiel’s waist, effectively stemming the blood flow.

He looked up to Castiel, and he smiled, “I don’t know what happened down there but when you touched me, my arm felt like it was on fire, and something weird happened, I remembered things that I didn’t do,  I saw things that hasn’t happened. I saw you enter the barn, I saw myself stabbing you, I saw everything, but I haven’t lived it. What was that?” Dean ended looking confused.

Castiel didn’t know, but he had an idea of what it might have been. “I think when I touched you, your soul somehow merged your two lives together. I’m not sure.” Castiel replied. It was interesting; but the pain in his side was making him tired, his chest was hurting, and they needed to leave before they drew the attention of those in purgatory.

“We need to leave, now,” Castiel said as he staggered to his feet.

Dean stood quickly and helped steady him, and they both walked in the direction of the portal.

“What happened after you left the motel?” Dean asked as they stepped through the bushes.

“Raphael and two of his followers found me at Bobby’s and sent me to Heavens jail.”

Dean was quiet for a moment, “Why can’t you heal yourself?” He asked, looking Cas over and then his eyes went wide.

“You’re human again?” He asked shocked.

Castiel nodded, “yes, human with a malfunctioning heart. Raphael's idea of preventing me from saving you from hell.” Castiel chuckled and then hissed as the pain in his side coursed through him.

“Whoa, Cas we need to slow down. “

“No, we need to get out of here, If the angels find out that you’ve been saved from hell before we’re out of Purgatory, they will throw you back into hell. We don’t have time to slow down.”

Dean was quiet for a long moment. “I don’t know what’s going on in my head, but I feel like I’m two people, there’s this hunter Dean, and there’s me. He knows how to fight and kill monsters, he knows how to kick ass in ways I would never have imagined. Is this the Dean you knew?” Dean turned his gaze to Castiel.

Castiel looked at him and felt sad. “Yes, he- you taught me that freedom was worth fighting for, that being a soldier of God didn’t mean I had to just follow orders even when I felt something I was ordered to do was wrong. He was a very dear friend.”  Castiel looked back to the path, taking in even breaths as he ignored the pain.

“Did you love him?” Dean asked curiously

Castiel took a moment to think about it, “Yes I did, and do Dean, he is you, and you are he. “

Dean looked over; confused. “ we aren’t the same person Cas, he is everything I’m not. “

Castiel laughed and held his side when it caused more pain. “No, you and he are the same, he is a seasoned hunter, sure, but everything that makes you at your core you. Is the exact same as his because it’s one soul. It’s just when I changed things when I killed Azazel in Sam’s bedroom, everything changed, but a soul is beyond time. A soul doesn’t erase a life it’s lived, it just whitewashes it, the new life experiences are written, but behind the new experiences, the old ones still exist. I think when I put my hand on you, your soul recognized the touch from when I was an angel the first time around, and it merged the two lines together, and you’re just experiencing your life in two places. It’s still you though.”

Dean scratched the back of his head. “uh, yeah, okay.” Dean said and walked for several more yards before turning to Castiel again and then behind them.

“Back there, in hell, you said I was burning my soul, why did that happen?”

Castiel glanced at him and then back to the path, “Honestly? I don’t know, I know what happened, but why it happened, I am not sure, I’ve never seen it done before.”

“Okay, so what do you think happened?”

Castiel thought for a moment before answering, how to explain it to someone who doesn’t understand how the celestial energy works. “A soul is powerful when it’s utilized, and the power Is focused, you somehow utilized your soul to get out of the shackles and kill Alastair, the anger I saw may have triggered it. Unfortunately, a soul can only be utilized at full power for a short time before it burns to nothing, and you almost burned yourself out. “

They were quiet for a few minutes before Dean broke the silence. “You are the reason,” Dean said quietly.

Castiel looked over at him. “Me?” He asked.

Dean nodded, “I saw Alastair stab you and I wanted nothing more than to kill him, to rip him apart. Then I was walking in front of him, and he turned to ash, everything is hazy now, but that’s why.” Dean finished and looked over at him and smiled.

Castiel clutched at his chest and fell against a tree, he could taste the iron of blood in his mouth, Dean rushed to his side and held his arm. “Cas! You alright?”

Castiel nodded but squeezed his eyes shut as the combined pain from his chest and side pulsed through him. He felt dizzy and nauseous, he spat the blood out and forced himself to stand without the tree, they had to keep moving, they weren’t far away from the portal.

He staggered a few feet before he felt dizzy and his vision turned to darkness, and he hit the ground. He could hear Dean calling his name, he felt warm and tingly all over. “Cas, come on, wake up man,” He focused on Dean’s voice, and the pleasant feeling subsided, he felt a chill run through his body. He shivered and opened his eyes. He felt weak, his head was throbbing, and his side was burning. He looked up into Dean’s eyes, they were so fearful. He wasn’t sure if he would make it through the portal, but he had to try, he had to get Dean out of purgatory, and back to safety, once he was in his body again, there wasn’t anything the angels could do to put him back into hell.

He pushed himself to sit up and then carefully got to his feet, he felt wobbly, the trees were drifting in and out of focus, and Dean’s voice was muffled. He walked forward and didn’t stop, another ten minutes, and they’d be out of there.

Dean put his arm around his waist and helped support him as they walked in silence until they felt the breeze and looked up to the portal that was beginning to open.

He turned to Dean and smiled, they had made it, just a little further and it was all over.

He took the blade out of his belt and made a significantly large cut across his and Dean’s forearms, and then linked their arms together; hand to forearm. He recounted in his mind the incantation and repeated what he remembered. He watched as it activated; Dean’s soul began to shine brightly then flowed into his arm. He winced at the pain and pulled down the sleeve of his shirt.

He looked up at the ridge where the portal was and began to climb up it, he was close to the top when a large force hit him and sent him flying down the rocks. Pain erupted from his head and side, and as he landed on his back, he looked up into the face of a demon, who was smirking at him. The demon kicked him several times in the side, and he rolled over as the pain shot through his ribs and stomach.

He took another blow to the face as the demon kicked him and he groaned and pushed himself up onto his hands and knees, he wasn’t going to let this demon kill him when he was so close to getting out of there.  

The demon laughed.“Aint no way ya getting out of here that easily.”

 As the demon lifted his foot to stamp on his head, Castiel yanked at the demons other foot with one hand and brought the demon blade down and wedged it into its bone. The demon screamed and fell to the ground, and Castiel scrambled painfully to his feet and brought the blade down with a force that the knife went through the demon's skull.

 He straightened himself and looked down at it and then up at the portal.

His face was swollen, he could only see through a gap of one eye, the other one swollen shut. He swayed for a moment and then staggered to the portal.

He stepped into it, and the portal closed, taking him back to earth.

He swayed as he looked around himself, he had to find a road to follow, he memorized the roads near the adventure grounds, once he got to a road, he would know which way to get back to the Impala. He walked slowly, limping, feeling exhausted and weak, his entire body hurt, his head was throbbing, but he was determined to get Dean back to his body, after that, it didn’t matter.

He walked for what seemed like an hour before he found the Impala, he leaned against the side of it; catching his breath, trying to muster the strength so he could cut the blankets that were wrapped around Dean so he could put Dean’s soul back.

He pushed away from the car and opened the back door and pulled the knife from his belt and very carefully cut through the blankets.

Once he finished he steadied himself against the frame of the car, swaying, his vision blurring. He rolled up his sleeve and cut his arm again and said the incantation. He rested against the car and closed his eyes against the pain.

Castiel didn’t move, even when the pain in his arm subsided, he was too weak and tired.

He heard the flattened grass behind him rustling as someone moved, but he couldn’t gather enough strength to fight whoever it could be.

“Cas?”

Castiel opened his eyes and found Dean standing behind him, Dean put his hand on Castiel's shoulder, and he smiled at Dean, “You’re safe.” He murmured,  he relaxed more on to the car, no longer having to fight against the exhaustion. He shouted out as pain shot through his entire body, his vision went black, he felt the earth beneath his face as pain coursed through him, Dean’s voice sounded distant, and he felt himself being pulled further away, pins and needles covered his entire body and then he could no longer hear Dean.  

***************************************************************

 

“Cas?” Dean shook Castiel, he looked at his face in the moonlight and felt the tears rolling down his cheeks, Castiel’s face was a mess. Oh god, it was his fault, the whole thing was his fault.

He shook Cas more forcefully, “Castiel, Hey come on, wake up.” Castiel didn’t move, and he leaned down and put his ear to Castiel’s mouth to hear if he was breathing. He was breathing, but it didn’t sound right.

He had to get him to the hospital. Dean put his arm under Castiel’s head and his other arm under Castiel’s legs and lifted him up, and staggered to the car. He gently slid him into the back seat, he checked Castiel's pockets until he found his car keys and then stood back up.

He shut the back door and jumped into the front seat, and started the engine, ignoring the tree branches that was covering the back of the car. He slammed his foot on the accelerator and reversed out.

The problem was, he didn’t know where they were, or which way would take them back towards a hospital.

He swore and threw the car into first gear and took off up the country road, and hoped it would lead them in the right direction.

It took him 90 minutes to find a hospital, and Castiel hadn’t regained consciousness.

He squealed to a stop in front of the ambulance emergency area of the hospital and got out of the car the moment he stopped it and swung open the back door. He pulled Cas out as gently but as quickly as he could and then carried him through the sliding doors and straight to the Front Desk, the patients who were cued to see the triage nurse stepped aside for him.

“I need help, He needs to be seen now, he’s been beaten and stabbed in the side.” Dean blurted out, panicking, and close to tears.

The nurse pressed a button, and there were suddenly people rushing out through doors, a woman telling another to get a bed as she rushed towards him, his arms were growing heavy, but he wasn’t letting Cas go, not until the bed was there. The nurse looked at Castiel’s pupils with a torch and took hold of his wrist and looked at her watch. 

The double doors opened again, and 4 men rushed towards them with a bed, and Dean placed him gently on it and then Castiel was gone with the staff. He stood staring as they rushed him through the doors, he didn’t know how long he was there, but someone put a cup of water in his hand and was guiding him towards a waiting room.

Everything went by in a blur, the minutes turned into hours as he waited for any news. He couldn’t call anyone, he had no phone with him, and he had no money either, maybe he could use the hospital phone, he would ask soon.

He didn’t know what happened, one second he was in Hell, Castiel was there with him; trying to get the shackles off and then he was in the Impala and Cas was beaten up.

Who stabbed Cas? Did that son of a bitch demon that was torturing him, do this to Cas?  He had so many questions, there were very vague memories, but when he tried to access them, they disappeared out of his reach.

He started to shake, and his teeth started chattering, and so he stood up and paced the room, after 10 minutes and becoming restless he left the room and looked for a nurse or someone he could ask for an update on Cas, and also if he could use their phone.

It took him some time but he finally found a nurse who couldn’t tell him anything about Castiel, but she did lead him to a telephone, so he could call Bobby.

He dialled Bobby’s mobile number and waited for him to pick up.

Bobby answered after the fifth ring, “Hello?” Bobby asked.

“Hi, Bobby, it’s me, Dean.”

“Dean? Is that really you?” Bobby’s voice broke at the end.

“Yeah, it’s me. Cas saved me from hell, but now, Bobby, I think Cas is dying.” Dean felt the tears well up, and he pinched the bridge of his nose and wiped the tears away.

“What happened?” Bobby asked immediately.

“I don’t know, I remember him finding me and trying to get me down from where I was suspended, and then I was in the Impala and Cas was bloody and beaten up. Bobby, it’s bad. He looked terrible.”

“Where is he now?” Bobby asked; sounding alarmed.

“I don’t know, I got him here to the hospital, and they took him away, more than five hours ago, but no one has come to tell me anything yet.”

“I gotta ask ya, did you say yes to Alastair?” Bobby asked bluntly.

“No,” Dean replied, So, Alastair was the demons name.  He made a mental note to remember that name. He wanted to get even with that son of a bitch.

“ That’s good son. I'm gonna wake Sam, and we will come to you, where are you?”

Dean looked at the forms in front of him. “ We’re at Penobscot Valley Hospital, it’s in Maine,” Dean replied, feeling suddenly exhausted.

“Okay, we will fly over, it will take too long to drive. We’ll be there in the morning.”

Dean relaxed slightly, he wouldn’t be there alone for long, he needed someone to be there with him, in case it was bad news, but also, he wanted to see that Sam was safe.

“Alright, I have to go, the nurse wants the telephone back. “ Dean turned to the nurse and smiled slightly,

“Okay, see you soon,” Bobby said.

Dean said goodbye and hung up the phone.

“Is it possible for you to find out what’s happening with Castiel, he was brought into emergency more than five hours ago,” Dean asked the nurse.

“Are you family?” She asked him,

He nodded, “He’s my uncle.” He hated saying that Cas was his uncle but if he said no, she probably would refuse to tell him.

“What’s his last name?”

“Winchester,” Dean answered.

“If you wait in the room over there, I’ll see what I can find out.” She smiled and pointed towards the room he was led into earlier, and he nodded. He walked back into the room and sat down.

Fifteen minutes later the door opened, and a doctor stepped inside. “Dean Winchester?” he asked.

Dean nodded.

“I’m Dr Llewelyn, I’m the consultant who is taking care of your uncle.”

Dean stood up and shook his hand. “How is he?”

“We had to take him down to surgery. He had several tears in his abdomen and internal bleeding. His left kidney was failing due to the blade causing a lot of damage to the upper portion.  We have stopped the internal bleeding and sewed up the tear in his kidney. However, his brain is under a lot of pressure due to swelling, we have tried to see what is going on there, but with all the fluid and swelling, we can’t see much. He’s unconscious, we’re going to do tests to find out if he’s comatose. His heart is Tachycardia, which means it’s beating too fast. We will have to do more tests to find out what’s causing it but he has been given something to help slow it down. “

Dean stared at the doctor,  he wished that someone was there with him, Cas was going through so much, but the fear rose quickly as the doctor spoke the words “Comatose.’ He knew all too well how that could turn out.

“What are the chances of him surviving this?” he asked, not really wanting to hear the answer. He couldn’t lose Cas.

“Unfortunately, his injuries are severe, I am surprised that he was alive when you brought him in.  It’s too early to tell what his prognosis is, but it’s not looking good. I will keep you updated when we find out more, we will let you know. “

Dean nodded, “Thank you.”

He watched the doctor leave the room and then he turned and sat on the chair and began to cry; burying his face in his hands.

This was all his fault, if he had not made that deal, this wouldn’t’ be happening. This time no one could tell him it wasn’t his fault.

 

 

 

 


	34. Chapter 34

Castiel was taken by air back to Kansas, the hospital there were better equipped to maintain Castiel’s health needs.  Dean refused to leave his side, he ignored the turbulence of the wind as they flew back, Barely even registering that he was on an aircraft of any kind.

They settled Castiel into a room, where he remained on life support, he hadn’t woken up, and the doctors confirmed he was in a coma, the chances of him waking up were slim.  There was a lot of pressure pushing on his brain, and the surgeons wouldn’t operate to ease the pressure because it was too dangerous. So Dean stayed at the hospital, he argued with the staff when they tried to tell him he couldn’t stay, he refused to leave and eventually they brought him a fold out bed; which he never used. It had been 5 weeks, and Castiel showed no signs of improvement.

Dean didn’t leave Castiel’s bedside for anything except to relieve himself. Sam had finally given up trying to convince him to get some fresh air, to get something to eat. Instead, Sam would bring food to the room and sit in silence with him while they ate. Sam’s presence gave him some comfort but when it was time for Sam to leave he was left with just the sound of the machines working and his thoughts.

 He had stopped trying to sleep, his nightmares were too much to handle; His mom, hell, torture. He slept only when his body needed it, but he always woke in a sweat, a scream caught in his throat.

This wasn’t fair; Castiel had given his life to save him. Why hadn’t God helped Castiel? Where was he? Why would he do this? He had long given up praying.

It did nothing to help the man he loved so much; the man who was once an Angel; a man who had a fragile heart; a man who risked it all to fight through hell to find him and rescue him.

An alarm began to sound from one of the machines, his eyes darted to the heart monitor. There was something wrong, he stood quickly and pressed the red button next to the bed and then focused his attention on the face of the man who lay there.

He leaned down and cupped his cheeks in his hands, trying hard to keep himself calm, trying so hard but failing. Tears fell freely, and he couldn’t focus on anything, but the beautiful Angel rested between his hands.

“Cas, please, fight... Don’t go. You can’t leave me. You got to fight this. Fight dammit. Please fight for me, you can’t leave me. I love you. God, I love you. “He felt arms tugging at him... pulling him away, pulling him from the only person he could and would ever love.

“Let me go! CAS, fight, you can do this! Get off me!! Cas!!!!!!”

“Get him out of here!” he could hear the faded voices as he watched while doctors placed the paddles of the heart defibrillator onto his chest. He watched as the doctor shouted “Clear” and Castiel’s body jolted. The room was silent, the machine continued to show a continuous flat line, the sound of a long ongoing beep. The doctor placed the paddles on his chest again and shouted clear, the monitor didn’t change, the sound drilled into his skull, he couldn’t breathe right. All he wanted to do was be there, he could reach out to Cas, he could... He could make him wake up. The solid line continued across the monitor.

“No! “ he heard his scream but it felt so far away, everything slowed down as he watched the monitor continue the constant flat line.

“Let me go!!! Let me go!! Cas!!” he screamed, he struggled against the two men who held him tightly as tears blurred his vision, a nurse stepped towards him, but he couldn’t tell what she was carrying, as he continued to struggle to get free to run to Castiel, but then it went dark.

Dean groaned as he opened his eyes, Sam sat beside him, he was lying in a hospital bed, how did he get there? He turned to face Sam, tears streamed down. “What’s…?” he cleared his throat… “What’s wrong Sam?”

“Where’s Cas?”

“I’m sorry Dean.”

“Why? There’s nothing to be sorry about, Cas is fine... He’s going to heal and he will…. He is fine Sam.”

“Dean….. Ca-“.

“No, Cas is fine. He is going to come home.”

“No, Dean… he’s”

“If you finish that sentence, Sam, I will punch you.”

“I’m sorry Dean.”

“Stop saying that.”

He threw the blanket away from him and swung his legs over the side of the bed.  Sam attempted to stop him, but he pushed his hands away and marched out of the room; glancing up and down the hall, looking out for any doctor or nurse that would catch him as he set off at a jog while he ignored Sam's calls.

He needed to get back to Cas, he hadn't left him for so long before, and he wasn't planning on leaving him alone now. He made his way through the door of the stairwell and ran up the stairs for two levels and burst out of the door, his lungs burning; feeling like they were about to collapse.

He didn't pause, he just pushed forward jogging a little more unsteadily as he passed three rooms, then slowed only slightly when he finally reached Castiel's room. He turned the corner and stepped into the room and stared at the bed. It was empty. Where was Cas? Had they taken him down for further tests?

He stepped over to the bed and sat down on the chair beside it, he would sit and wait for him, and they would bring him back.

He turned as he heard someone enter the room, Sam stood in the door frame, looking at the ground.

“Dean-,“ Sam cautiously stepped forward a little.

"Dean, please listen to me. Cas died. They tried to resuscitate him but they couldn't. Dean, I’m sorry."

 “Sam, so help me, if you say you’re sorry again, I’m going to knock you out.”

Sam stopped and sighed but remained where he was.

He turned back to the bed and then to his watch, it was five thirty, Cas would be back soon,

A small voice at the back of his mind spoke, and he tried to shake it off. "He’s not coming back. You know exactly where he is." He worked hard to ignore the voice. Castiel wasn’t dead, he was going to be fine, he would wake up, they would leave the hospital, and he would tell him how sorry he was for everything. They would make up, and it would be just like it used to be.

He turned to look at Sam again, whose expression was pained; tears were streaming down his cheeks as he stared at the bed.

He couldn’t sit there anymore; he needed to find a nurse.

He stood up and walked past Sam, quickly moving to the nurses’ station.

“Where is Castiel Winchester?” he demanded, which startled the nurse behind the desk.

She stared up at him, “Where is Castiel Winchester?” he repeated once again.

The nurse quickly gathered herself and stood up, “I’m sorry, but your uncle passed away 4 hours ago.”

“No! They got it wrong; it must have been someone else. They must have taken him down for tests. Right?”

“Mr Winchester, I’m sorry.”

He stared at the nurse as it sunk in, Cas was dead, He was dead and he would never be able to tell him how much he loved him, how sorry he was for everything. He would never hear his voice again. He would never see his confused expression, or feel his lips against his. He was gone. How can he be just gone?

He felt someone turn him and pull him into a tight hug as he tried to not cry, tried to stay strong.

“I’m sorry,” Sam whispered into his ear as he rubbed his back. Slowly he wrapped his arms around his brother and began to cry. 

"He can't be..... Sam... He can't be gone. I loved him…. I never got to tell him…. I never got to tell him I was sorry… he can’t be gone…  He just can’t be! “He could hear his own strangled voice, trying to gasp for air while trying to calm himself.

He had to get out of there; he had to leave the hospital. He pushed Sam away from him and set off at a jog through the halls of the hospital, he heard Sam behind him.

“Dean, Wait! Where are you going?” He ignored him and continued to the stairwell just as Sam caught up with him and pulled him back.

“Dean, wait!”

He couldn't breathe, everything inside him was crushing him, everything was screaming. It should have been him, he wasn't meant to be alive. He sold his soul. It should have been him, he should have stayed dead. Instead, Cas was gone. Oh God. Cas was gone. How was he going to survive without him? It suddenly occurred to him, he doesn’t have to be gone.

He pushed Sam away and walked away from him, ignoring his brother’s calls, as he made his way down the stairs. He took 2 steps at a time until he reached the ground floor of the hospital.  Sam was still following him but given up calling him. As he entered the ground floor door, he turned to face Sam, who just barely missed walking into him.

“Sam, I have to do something. Don't follow me. You gotta stay here alright?"

"Dean, No. I'm not going to leave you on your own."

"Sam, yes you are. Everything will be okay, alright? Just wait here. I will be back."

"What are you planning on doing?"

"Sam, I will explain when I get back." He didn’t' wait for Sam to reply, he turned and left the hospital, glad that Sam didn't follow him.

He jumped into the Impala, not bothering to put his seatbelt on as he turned the key, reversed out of the parking space and took off out of the car park.

He gripped the steering wheel tight enough to cause his knuckles to go white. He tried not to think about what he was about to do, if he did, he would then have to consider what else would happen. Instead, he turned on his radio, without looking reached over to his glove compartment and picked up the first cassette his fingers touched and pushed it into the tape player and pressed the play button.

_"The autumn moon lights my way._

_For now, I smell the rain, and with it pain, and it's headed my way._

_Sometimes I grow so tired, but I know I've got one thing I got to do..."_

He followed a road he had once before rode down and then slowed down and pulled over to the side of the road.

He got out of the car and walked a little further until he reached the crossroad.

He didn't have a box, or a photo or some bone but he had to try, somehow he had to find one of them, set everything right. 

 

"Hey! I know you can hear me! Come out I want to make a deal with you!"

He turned looking around, no one appeared.

"It's me you want! So come fucking get me!"

He looked around, but still, no one showed up.

"Alright, fine."

He lowered his head and closed his eyes.

"If there is any Angels out there who can hear me, please bring Cas back, I will do anything you want. If you want me to break the first seal;  Fine. Just bring him back. Bring Castiel back."

He cracked an eye open, no one was there.

.“Come on you dicks!! Fucking take me!!! “He screamed loudly into the open air, fists balled, tears streaming down his face and vision blurred.

He fell to his knees, “bring him back. Take me instead. Please, I’m begging you, alright? Just bring him god damn back.” he lowered his head and cried hysterically.

He had no idea how long he had been kneeling on the road; his knees were stinging, and his eyes felt swollen, and he could barely breathe through his nose. He glanced up and down the roads again, but there was no sign of anyone. He sighed and got to his feet.

The weight of Castiel's death and the feeling of loss weighed heavily on him. He had to find a way to bring Cas back, he couldn't live without him. He was the light in this world filled with darkness, he saved him.

He walked back to the Impala and leaned against it, his eyes never leaving the crossroad but still no one had shown up.

He didn’t move, they could still show up. He reflected back on their times together, the weekend at the cabin, his birthday and the last night that he had seen him before he was taken to hell; not registering that it had gotten dark, or that it had begun to rain. He wanted Cas back, and if no one was going to bring him back, then he didn't care what happened to him.

 He should have died instead of his mom. He should have died instead of Cas. He should have listened to the voice when it warned him that people got hurt when he loved them, they always did. The only one who had survived it was Sam, and he almost lost him too.

"God, please, just take me. I have nothing to offer anyone. Cas deserves to live. He has been through so much; he sacrificed himself for me; for humanity. You gotta trade my soul for his life. "

He didn’t know how long he had been standing there; the sky was beginning to lighten, and his clothes were soaked through, strands of hair flattened to his forehead.  

“Shit.”  He suddenly remembered, he left Sam at the hospital. He took one more look at the crossroad before opening his car door and getting inside, trying to ignore the jeans that were uncomfortably sticking to him and made his way back to the hospital.

He picked up his mobile to check the time and noticed five missed calls and three text messages and scanned through them. Bobby had tried to call him twice and Sam three times and two messages from Sam and one from Bobby.

Sam: Where R U?

Sam: I called Bobby; he is coming to pick me up. Meet us back at his motel. Please get back to me Dean, I’m worried about you.

Bobby: Call me.

 

He sighed and scanned his contacts until he found Sam and pressed the button to call.

“Dean! Where are you? Are you alright?”

“Hi Sam, I’m fine. I’m at the hospital. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be all night.”

“It’s alright, are you coming to meet us here?”

“Yeah, but I think I’m just going to go for a drive for a while first. I just need some time alone, you know?”

“Yeah, okay, just don’t do anything stupid okay?

“I won’t, I promise.”

He could hear Bobby in the background, grumbling about something and then the phone was muffled as Sam replied inaudibly. He waited for Sam to uncover the microphone.

“Sam, I’m going to go, I’ll be at Bobby’s motel in a few hours…alright?”

He heard Sam sigh. “Yeah, okay.”

He hung up the phone and reversed out of the car park space and left the hospital, looking in his rearview mirror at the building that somewhere inside, lay the lifeless body of the man he loved.

His nose prickled as fresh tears began to well in his eyes, he reluctantly turned his focus back onto the road and just drove, he didn’t know where he was going; he just needed some time to himself.

He navigated through the streets until he recognized the road he turned into, as he started passing the large, expensive houses with driveways almost as long as the street itself. He turned into the drive and slowly drove to the front of the house. He sat staring at the gardens for some time.

The last time he had seen the lawns they were short, the gardens were well maintained. Now it was all overgrown, Weeds seemed to cover a significant portion of the garden bed, and shrubs blocked the windows.

Where was Gabriel? Why hadn’t he come to save his brother?

He looked at the front steps of the house; he could feel the emptiness of it, the same feeling he felt in his heart. Was the house as lonely as he felt inside? It was as if it was alive and knew that one of the owners was no longer going to cross its threshold.

He should leave, it wasn’t doing him any good being there, but he couldn’t. He stepped out of the car and made his way to the front door and fumbled with his keys until he found the right one.

He hesitated as he put it into the lock, not knowing if he really wanted to do this.

After a few minutes, he took a deep breath and turned the key, he heard the click of the bolt being slid aside and pushed open the door.

The house was dark, the curtains were drawn, and it smelt of dust and stagnant air.

He switched on the light and cautiously stepped inside and shut the door behind him.

A barrage of memories came to the forefront of his mind.

The first time they stepped inside the house, the day they decorated the whole place with Christmas trimmings, how patient Castiel was when he first found his boxes of Christmas decorations. His life changed in this house; for the first time since his mother’s death, he had felt alive.

He stepped towards the stairs that led to their bedroom; he made to step up on the first step but changed his mind and walked towards the kitchen instead.  A newspaper and a mug sat on the counter, did they leave the moment they found him and Sam missing? How long had they been searching for them?  He stepped over to the fridge, the note Castiel had written to him almost 2 years ago was still pinned on it with a magnet.

He read it again; it seemed like a lifetime ago.

 _ **“**_ _ **Dean, don’t worry about Sam, Gabriel and I are dropping him off at school. We will be back around lunchtime and don’t worry about making lunch. We will bring something in with us. However, if you are hungry, there is left-over pizza in the fridge.**_  

 _ **Castiel.”**_  

 

 Tears fell silently down his cheek,  he moved the magnet out of the way and took the note and placed it in his wallet.

He turned around and stared at the spot Castiel would have stood if he was there with him; arms folded in front of him, quietly observing what was happening.  More tears ran down his cheeks; he couldn’t look away from the spot, wishing he could see him one more time.

He walked over to the cupboard where the bottles of vodka and whiskey had been stored and pulled out the unopened bottle of whiskey and took the glass that was on the counter and walked out of the kitchen, and up the stairs; down the hallway and opened what was once his and Castiel’s bedroom. Nothing had changed from the morning he and Sam left. Clothes were still half hanging out of the draws, his bed still unmade.

The sheets and pillowcases still crinkled where Cas had laid the night he had ignored him, pretended to be asleep.  He moved around to his side of the bed, toed off his shoes, pulled off his Jeans and shirt and slid into the bed, Bottle still held in one hand; the glass in the other.

He looked over at the empty side as he cracked the seal on the bottle and opened it. He filled the glass to the brim and knocked the drink back without pausing.

He put the bottle on the side cupboard and glanced over at the pillow then picked it up, the faint scent of Castiel still lingered on it, and he pulled it to his chest, holding it close to him and taking deep inhales of the scent.

_“Cas, have you ever felt so mentally and emotionally tired that you just want to fall asleep and not wake up?”_

_"Um... no, not really. Why, do you feel like that sometimes?”_

_“After mom died, I felt this pain in my chest, not a real pain, but… I don’t know. Something wanted to burst out, something angry and sad... “_

_“What you feel is your soul. It needs to heal……… “_

_“Your soul is still crying and trying to heal. The soul will do that if it never has a chance to be cleansed.”_

_“Don’t ever think you don’t deserve good things, Dean, because you do, you’re special, and while you let me, I will never let you fall… “_

_“I… I wanted to give you something that was meaningful. I guess you would call it a promise ring?  It’s engraved in Enochian. It translates to a promise to always be here, that I will protect you and care for you for as long as I live. “_

_“Dean, if this is too much, we can just for-,“_

_“No... No_   _...  I love it, and I love you,”_

 

He pulled his focus back into the present, and slid off the bed, still carrying the pillow as he moved around the room; he stepped over to the draws and ran his fingers over the clothes that were hanging over the edge. It was Castiel’s blue sweater, the one he loved seeing him in.  He turned around, and he could see Castiel sitting on the side of the bed; smiling at him in the way that he did when Dean had said something funny. He moved to the bathroom and hesitantly opened the door. There were clothes still on the floor where he left them when he got back from the bar with his friends.

Fresh tears began to fall, he would never be able to tell him that he was sorry for leaving; he would never be able to tell him that he loved him and forgave him for keeping the truth from him.

He put the toilet seat down and sat on it and began to cry hysterically into the pillow. The pain that he once felt; the loss of his mother was back, he wanted to scream, wanted to lash out. He could hear the sound of his pain echoing; ricocheting off the walls of the room; no one but himself could hear.

“Why?” he shouted out in a half-strangled cry.

“It’s not fair!”

“Damn you! You hear me? Damn you!” he stood up and walked out of the bathroom and back to the side cupboard and picked up the bottle of whiskey and knocked it back, not stopping for air, the whiskey burned the back of his throat, but he didn’t want to feel anything. He finally stopped gulping back the liquid when his lungs began to burn; screaming for oxygen. He slammed the bottle into the wall and turned to the side cupboard, lifting it up with ease and threw it as hard as he could before turning to the curtains and yanking them down, bringing the curtain rod down with them.

It wasn’t fair; life wasn’t fair. He sunk down onto the bed; picking up the pillow from where he had dropped it and curled up wrapping himself around the pillow. He slowly fell to sleep as he cried into the pillow.

 

    ***************************************

He woke with a start as his mobile sounded from somewhere nearby; at first, he thought it was the machines sending an alarm, but alarms didn’t make musical sounds.  He opened his eyes carefully, they felt like they were glued together, they felt sore. His head throbbed, and he looked around the room.  He was in his bed, he wasn’t at the hospital. Then the last 24 hours came back to him, and he groaned. He slowly sat up and tried to work out where the sound was coming from.

He peered over to his jeans that laid on the ground and reached for them, groaning as his head began to hurt a little more.

He pulled out his mobile and blinked a few times; trying to get his eyes to focus so he could read the screen.

“Incoming call Sam.”  The screen read,  and he clicked to answer.

“Yeah?”

“When are you coming back?”

“Er, I’ll be there soon. “

“Okay. Don’t be too long.”

“I won’t.”

“Okay see you soon.”

“Yeah, Bye”

He hung up the phone and laid back on the pillow.

He had to pull it together, for Sam's sake. He couldn’t do this to Sam again, but he didn’t know how.

How could he act normal again after this? What about the demons and angels? 

His anger rose. To hell with them, he was going to make each, and every one of them pays for what they did to Cas… to Sam and to Bobby.

He got out of the bed and threw on his clothes as fast as he could. He was determined to get back to the motel as quickly as he could. He wanted to talk to Bobby, and he didn’t want to wait.

He rushed down the stairs and took out his keys and swung the front door open, slamming it closed behind him without locking it.

He slid into his seat behind the wheel and planted his foot and his tires screaming as he took off down the drive and onto the street.

It didn’t take long to get back to the motel, and as he ran into the room, both Bobby and Sam stood up; startled.

“What’s wrong?” Sam asked anxiously.

“Nothing, everything. Bobby.” He looked directly at Bobby more determined than ever.

“I want you to teach me to hunt. “ Dean demanded determined.

“What?” Bobby asked; surprised

“I want you to teach me how to kill everything. “

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Bobby said gently.

“If you don’t teach me, then I’ll go out there and do it on my own. I’m going to hunt down the bastards who did this, and I won’t stop until each, and every one of them has paid for killing Cas.”

Bobby stared at him, seeming to be weighing up his options and then sighed.

“Okay, but we need to make arrangements for Castiel first.”

“Yeah, whatever. The faster it’s done, the quicker we can get started.

For the rest of the night, Dean sat quietly, nodding in agreement to the funeral plans. He wasn’t paying attention, all he could think about was revenge, watching them all burn.  Raphael, Michael, meg, and Alastair especially.

 

 

 


	35. Fare Thee Well

Dean spent the best part of the 3 days that past in a daze, thinking of nothing else but getting revenge. He dreamed up every possible way to torture and then kill each of them. He barely paid attention to any plans that were made for Castiel’s funeral.

He now stood staring at his reflection in a mirror, dressed in a black suit and a blue and white tie; similar to the one that Cas had worn.

If it wasn’t for the fantasies of vengeance; he knew that he wouldn’t have gotten through each day, it kept him focused on something; instead of dwelling on the loss of Castiel.

All he had to do now was to get through one more day and then he could begin his training; begin to slowly, painfully make all the dicks pay.

He took one last look at himself in the mirror as Sam knocked the door.

“Are you ready? Bobby is bringing the car to the front door.”

“Yeah, I’m ready as I’ll ever be.”  He breathed in deeply and let it out slowly then followed Sam out of the motel and into the car.

They remained silent as they made their way to the small church, the service was going to be small, they didn’t know who they could contact for those who knew Castiel, so they sent out prayers to the angels; not that he wanted any of them there; none of them had shown up at the hospital to help Cas, none of them cared to heal him.

He felt the car slowing down and he looked out the window at the graveyard that would be Castiel’s eternal resting place, and he felt the tie tighten around his neck. He felt hot and his heart beat fast against his ribs, he could barely breathe; he couldn’t do this, “STOP THE CAR!” he yelled suddenly.

Bobby slammed his breaks on and Dean hastily pushed the door open and got out... He paced back and forth. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t say goodbye; he wasn’t ready.  He wasn’t strong enough to do it.

He heard a car door open and close and Sam was beside him. “Hey, are you okay?” Sams' voice was filled with concern.

“No, I can’t do this, I’m not ready.”

“Dean, I know it’s hard but you have to, if you don’t go you will regret it.”

“I can’t. I just can’t.”

He loosened his tie and pulled at his collar. “You can, you’re stronger than you think Dean.”

Dean stopped what he was doing and looked at his little brother, his words reminding him of what Castiel once said to him.

Sam looked alarmed but curious as to why he was staring at him but said nothing.

He could do this, couldn’t he?  He didn’t feel like he could, it felt too real, this was it, once they laid Cas to rest, he was really gone forever, but he had to stay strong, for Sam… for Cas.; he would have wanted him to be. Cas had risked everything by coming out of the shadows to help him. He couldn’t hide now. It would have been for nothing. He nodded and stepped to the driver’s side of the car.

“Bobby, I’m going to walk from here, I need some air.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Well okay then” Bobby nodded and slowly moved the car away from the curb. He stood and watched them for a moment as Bobby moved on a little further down the road and indicated into the car park.

He began to walk towards the church, his heart still beating fast and he still felt the anxiety prickling on the edge of his mind but he kept his focus on putting one foot in front of the other and pushed every other thought except walking to the side. He just needed to get this over with.

He reached the steps of the small chapel and was greeted by the priest who would be leading the small service; he nodded once and focused back on his feet; that had begun to feel like they were stuck in 2 tons of cement. He pushed forward and stepped through the wooden doors. He glanced up, in front of him was a long red carpet and then there was the coffin, the lid open for loved ones to say goodbye and to place something small if they wanted.

Cas was in there, he almost turned back but he felt a firm hand on his shoulder, he glanced sideways and found Bobby and Sam just behind him.  Bobby nodded towards the front and he turned back to the coffin, breathing deeply and then put one foot in front of the other again until he was in front of it. 

He kept his eyes facing forward, afraid to look down into the coffin, he swallowed hard. Sam stepped beside him and placed his hand on his shoulder to show his support, then leaned in to whisper to him.

“You don’t have to do this Dean, go and take your seat, if you want.” Sam squeezed his shoulder and he took a deep breath in and shook his head. “No, I need to do this.” He whispered back.

He took one more look at the stained glass window in front of him and slowly brought his focus down into the coffin. He swallowed again as he took in Castiel’s features. He looked like he was sleeping, the bruises that had been healing slowly before he died were hidden by the makeup, the swelling around his right eye was gone. He was surprised at how different he looked to the last time he saw him.

Tears welled up but he wiped them away and he turned to his brother, “Sam, can you give me a minute alone?” he whispered.

Sam’s eyes softened, he seemed like he was going to refuse but after glancing back at Bobby, Sam turned back to him and nodded and joined Bobby who was further away, respectfully giving him space and privacy.

Dean focused back on Castiel and reached his hand out to touch his cheek. He tilted his head and wished he could see his eyes again, to see him smile. He breathed out a deep sigh.

“Cas, I’m sorry for everything that happened.  I just want you to know that I love you, I will love you for the rest of my life and that, “he breathed in and exhaled slowly, “that I miss you. “ He reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper and tucked it under the white satin pillow beneath Castiel’s head,  and then leaned down and kissed his forehead.  “I’m going to make them pay for what they did.” He whispered and then straightened up and looked at him one more time. “Bye Cas.”  He whispered and looked up to the window again as he tried to stop the tears from falling. He turned and walked away as the tears rolled down his cheeks and he wiped his face and sat down in the wooden pews on the left side of the chapel.

He looked down at his hands; this was harder than it was with his parents, seeing him again affected him more than he thought it would.  He remembered seeing his mom, she didn’t look dead; she looked like she was sleeping and for a short time he had held some hope that the doctors were wrong, and she would wake up, but it wasn’t as painful as this felt. 

Sam and Bobby came over and took their seats beside him.  He didn’t look up, he continued to stare down at his hands, even when the priest began the service, most of what was said was lost on him; it was just a faded voice in the distance. Bobby indicated that he should stand when the choir began to sing, he still didn’t look up, nor when they were told to sit down.

He wanted Cas to come back, this wasn’t real, it felt like he was stuck in a nightmare and was still trying to wake up from it.  He heard his name being called, Bobby nudged him and he glanced up at Bobby, It was time for him to say a few words; words he hadn’t thought about or wrote down.

“Oh right.” He said quietly and cleared his throat and stood and made his way to the podium.

He glanced up and looked around the room for the first time and he felt angry; he recognized several Angels in the pews on the right side of the room. The woman who Cas had been speaking to the night he overheard them in the garden, Samandriel sitting beside her, then several others he had not seen before.  He dragged his eyes away from them and tried to think about what he wanted to say. He should have spent some time to think about it.

 He cleared his throat again; he would just have to do it without preparation.

“Cas was my best friend, he was...  Uh, he was also the love of my life. I… I was struggling when we first met in the hospital; I couldn’t’ see the light in life, nothing made sense, but he… uh… He… He changed that.  He made me feel alive, showed me how to feel again…” He glanced over at the angels, who were still sitting quietly.

“He…. “Dean paused and looked down at the empty wooden surface of the podium, “I… I can’t do this.” He said as tears began to streak down his face, he walked quickly down the aisle and out the chapel doors and tried to breathe as he felt the pain of the loss again.

The doors behind him swung open and he turned to find Bobby standing not far away, but far enough to give him space.

“I thought I could do it, but I can’t. How do I say goodbye properly?”

“It’s hard, It took me some time before I could really say goodbye to Karen and even then, I still feel like I never really said it. You need to do it though; for you to move on.”

“What if I don’t want to move on? I don’t think I ever could.”

“It takes time to heal son. “

He glanced back at the wooden doors.

“Seeing them in there, how can they be in there when they left him to die? They could have saved him. They could have done something. He would be here if they had done something.”

“I don’t know, but don’t let them be the reason you’re not in there…. Listen, if you don’t want to go back in there, it’s okay; I can take you back to the motel; but I think you should really stick around, I think you need it even if you don’t think you do.”

He didn’t know what to do, his heart said to run as far as he could away from the place, but he knew deep down, he needed to say goodbye; he needed to watch them lower him into the ground to really make this become real. 

“Can you give me a few minutes? I’ll be in soon, I just need some air and some time alone.”

“No problem,” Bobby replied, patting him on the back and then turned and walked back through the door.

He sat down on the steps and pulled his handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his face; he didn’t want to go back in there looking worse for wear.

What would Cas say to him if he was there? He knew what he’d tell him, that he needed to do it, to help heal his soul. He smiled a little and then immediately felt guilty for it.

He sighed and got to his feet, and went back inside as he saw Samandriel step up to the podium, the one that Gabriel and Cas had helped, the one who stood aside when Cas needed him the most.   He looked over to the other angels and felt his anger rise. What were they doing there? Why was Samandriel even with them? He took a beating from the archangels and now what? Cas is dead and all is well in heaven? He turned his attention back to the podium as Samandriel began to speak.

“My brother was kind, he always wanted to do the right thing; he made a lot of mistakes but Castiel's heart was always in the right place. He helped those who asked him, he kept his focus on our mission and didn’t waver from it. He taught me to stand up for what I believe in, to question what I didn’t, and I looked up to him; I still do. “

He couldn’t listen to anymore, “If he was so great, why the fuck did you leave him in the hospital? Why didn’t any of you visit him; do something to help him? You’re hypocrites; you all sit in here pretending to be his family… His friends but where were you when he needed you the most?! “

“Dean! “ Bobby tried to tug at his sleeve as he stood his ground,

 “How dare any of these dicks stand up there at the podium; saying these great things about a man they left to die!” He felt the anger rise even more, “No Bobby, They have all come in here pretending to give a shit but they weren’t there for him!”

Samandriel’s face twisted into something he didn’t recognise. “Do you think any of us here didn’t want to help him?” Samandriel raised his voice a little, it was shaky.

“We all wanted to help him but we had an order, we couldn’t go near the hospital. They were watching us. If we had stepped inside the hospital they would have…  “Samandriel looked at the priest who looked shocked and confused.

“Our brothers had forbidden us from going. We had no choice.”

“You had a choice! You just chose to be cowards!” Dean roared back, his fists balled tightly.

The priest cleared his throat… “Gentlemen, maybe we should get on with the service….”

Both he and Samandriel looked at the priest and nodded; hanging their heads low; he felt only slightly guilty. This was meant to be a respectful service for Cas but he just couldn’t sit and listen to these lying scumbags any longer.

“Can we move on to the next part?” Bobby asked the priest.

The priest readily agreed and 6 men came to the front and stood beside the casket and were about to lift it.

“No, Wait!” Dean shouted suddenly, the men stopped and turned towards him.

“Can I…” he took another deep breath.” Can I help carry the Coffin?”

The men turned at a man who stood to the side, dressed in a long black coat; holding a black cane. He nodded and one of the men stepped out of the way, gesturing for Dean to take his spot.

Dean cautiously moved into place at the front right of the coffin and they all lifted it and placed it on their shoulders. It took Dean a moment to steady himself; the weight of the casket was a little heavier than he had expected. He wouldn’t think about Cas lying inside of it. He again concentrated on moving one foot in front of the other as they slowly walked down the aisle, he could hear the pews emptying behind them as everyone followed.

They followed the man with the long coat around the chapel; to a patch that had been dug, he looked at the dirt heaped to the side and the green cloth that was surrounding the grave. His heart was beating faster and faster as they walked closer to it, but he kept himself under control. This wasn’t the time to break down.

The man, who he had replaced, tapped him on the shoulder as they stopped in front of the grave and he then took the weight from him. He realised that the man wanted him to step aside so he could slide the casket on to the rollers that were sitting over the grave.

He stood beside Bobby and Sam as he watched them; everything was suddenly becoming too real and he tried to hold himself back from crying. He didn’t listen to the priest as he watched the coffin slowly lowering into the grave, he bit his lower lip, instincts screaming at him to run and stop it going down. He wanted to rip it open and hold on to Cas; make him wake up… his nails bit into the palms of his hands as he kept them tightly closed.

The urgency was becoming more overbearing with every inch that disappeared into the ground. He felt Bobby’s hand on his shoulder but it didn’t do anything to soothe him, so he turned and walked away; he just couldn’t be there any longer.  He waited beside the  car for Sam and Bobby, pulled off his jacket and yanked the tie off; the day had been harder than he thought it would be and he still couldn’t bring himself to completely say goodbye to Castiel, not yet anyway; not until every demon was dead, not until the archangels paid for what they did.

He watched as Sam and Bobby slowly walked back the car, there was no sign of the angels; he guessed that they must have gone back to where ever they came from and he was thankful for that small mercy.

Bobby unlocked the car and Dean slid inside without saying a word to anyone. He wanted to get home, take off the suit and put on something more comfortable. 

 No one said a word on the way back to the motel and he stared out of the window, trees and cars passing in a blur as he tried to keep his mind blank as much as he could.

He was tired and wanted to sleep but he refused to let himself, he didn’t want the nightmares to evade him again. He wanted to remain strong for Cas and he also needed to remain focused on finding those responsible. The car slowed down and he looked around they were already pulling into the motel car park, the ride back seemed a lot faster than the ride to the chapel.

He sighed and ran his hands over his face,  Sam glanced back over his shoulder and offered him a small smile.  He nodded and looked back out of the window, watching the parked cars as they slowly drove past them until they pulled into their parking space.

The moment the engine was shut off he got out of the car and began walking towards the motel room with Sam and Bobby not far behind him.

 The second the door was opened he stepped into the bathroom and stripped out of the suit and threw on his normal clothes, then left the room; determined to get everything rolling.

“Okay, so that’s over. Let’s start.” He stepped over to the bed and stuffed the suit into his satchel.

“Start?” Bobby asked.

“Yeah, let’s begin the training. I don’t see why we can’t begin right now.”

“Dean, I don’t…”

“No, you said we had to wait until after the funeral, it’s now after the funeral; so come on let's go!”

Bobby shrugged his shoulder slightly.  “Well, Okay then. “ He walked over to his bag and pulled out two very worn books and walked back over to him, placing them into his hands.

He struggled with the two books at first; they were old and very heavy. “What are these?” he asked in confusion as Bobby walked away.

“Your training.” He said simply.

“What do you mean? Where're the guns?” Dean demanded; horrified by the idea of having to read them.

Bobby huffed out indignantly, “Son if you want to learn to hunt then that’s where you start. It ain’t about shooting or stabbing things, you gotta know what ya facing. If you go out there guns blazing and not know.  Ya gonna get yourself killed.”

He looked down at the books again and then placed them on the bed.  “I don’t want to sit around and read these; I want to be out there killing the dicks.”

“Well, I ain’t letting ya near the weapons until you know what ya looking for and what to do. This is where you start and that’s final.  You either read em’ or you don’t; that’s up to you, son.”

Bobby opened the fridge and pulled out 2 bottles of beer and handed one to him. He sighed and took the bottle and sat down on the bed, pulling one of the books into his lap and opened the first page... The book was old, very old, the paper was yellow and thin, there were scrawled notes at the side of some of the descriptions and diagrams. He leaned back against the headboard and began to read from the beginning.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> I'm just gonna throw three Cas/Dean AU videos I edited here, however, there's a warning though, they are sad and one is darkish  
> Dean And Castiel - Fare Thee Well (13x01) (Warning recent episode heavily used) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RoYo1_bRcnU
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhleCaQpNyA Dean & Castiel - My Immortal
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IseIi61wpdo Dean & Castiel - Hold on/Unsteady


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a few mutuals have spoken to me about splitting the fic into a series and said it would be much better to keep the story together as one. 
> 
> So, I'm sorry guys for this annoying change, but I'm gonna take their advice and just continue it as one whole fic.

 

He held the gun steadily as he lined up the beer bottle through the rear sight and pulled the trigger. The bottle exploded into shards of glass.  Bobby stood to the side; watching him. “Good shot!” he praised.

“Thanks,” Dean replied; smiling.

It took him two months of reading and gun practice but it was finally coming together, he and Bobby were preparing to go out on a case.  There had been reports of bodies being found with their hearts missing; werewolves.  When Bobby had announced he was ready to go with him on a real hunt, he felt that burning desire for vengeance increase. Each hunt would bring him closer to finally gaining it. 

Sam; who was also interested in hunting, had been reading everything he could get his hands on, learning what the markings were, how to draw sigils and how to kill the different types of monsters. He wanted to go hunting with them, but Dean had refused, telling him he was too young. So he was staying with Ellen while he and Bobby were gone. Sam was none too happy about it, but he was responsible for his little brother, and it wasn’t his fight.

“So how long do you think before I can really go hunting?” he asked Bobby as he placed the gun in the trunk of the car, then concealed the weapons beneath a fake bottom of it.

“Are you still planning on running across the country trying to find those demons?”

“You bet I am.” He growled out.

Bobby shrugged his shoulders. “Demons aren’t like werewolves or vampires. They are sneaky and harder to kill. You have to rely more on combat fighting and using a knife. You still have a long way to go before you’re ready.”

He sighed, the closer he got, the further away his goal seemed to be.  He leaned against the trunk of the car. “One way or another I’m going to get those bastards.” He said quietly looking out into the car yard.

“Everything takes time, these hunts will help you work out the problem areas and hone your instincts.”

“I don’t have time.” He huffed out, “ every day that passes it feels like I’m letting Cas down.” He ran his hands over his face.

“All you have is time, son. If you want to do the job properly, then you have to practice, although I think your plan is suicidal.”

“Maybe it is, but I need to do it. I can’t think of anything else but getting revenge against them. It won’t bring Cas back, I know. I just don’t like knowing they are out there somewhere while he…. “ he looked down to the ground and then looked to Bobby, “He’s  buried in the ground.”

“I know son, it’s why I began hunting too, but the hunt never satisfied that desire; it just keeps me focused on something else.”

He pushed away from the trunk of the car and turned to Bobby. “So are we going?”

Bobby sighed and then nodded.

“You think you’re ready for this?  
“More than ready.” He replied.

“Okay, let’s go.”

He walked to the driver side of the car and slid in.

They had a two-day drive ahead of them, and he was beginning to become excited.  He was definitely more than ready.

“Come on then, let’s go and save the world.” He turned the key and listened as his baby roared to life as Bobby slid into the passenger seat.

He planted his foot on the accelerator and felt a bubble of hope as he watched the sand clouds block his rear as they moved out onto the road.

The hunt went better than Dean had expected, although he understood the importance of combat training and that was his next plan. Get one on one fighting and knife fighting.

Bobby made some calls to some hunters he knew, and they agreed to drive down and teach him.

Within 3 months, Dean could fight with and without a blade in his hand. He felt more optimistic and began to plan out his hunt for the demons and Angels. He memorized the sigils he would need and created a journal, writing down every monster they encountered, what they did to kill them and then began adding notes about the different traps, markings, and sigils that he may need.

Sam had joined in with the combat training, and although he wasn’t as stable on his feet due to his height, he managed to disable the visiting hunters and fake stab one of them.

The anti-possession necklaces began to get in the way during the combat training, and so they went into a tattoo parlour, and both had the symbol tattooed on their chest. It made sense as it would never be lost, couldn’t’ be pulled off, cut and they would never forget to put it on.

By 6 months Sam began to join them on hunts and had id badges created. Dean began to enjoy the hunt, it sated his desire for revenge against those who killed Cas, but it wasn’t enough, hunting became a priority. Every person he saved from a monster, made him feel that he was worth something, but it was always short lived.  Most of the entire hunt kept him from focusing on the one person he missed the most in his life, the one he would never see again, and his heart still ached for.

Those times when things were too quiet, and there weren’t any signs of supernatural activity, he would sit outside in his car, thinking about Castiel and the pain in his chest would intensify, he would wake up from night terrors, screaming Castiel's name.  Hunting was his therapy.

He had been hurt on more than one hunt, where he had almost needed hospital treatment but he didn’t like hospitals, he didn’t want to go to another one again in his life; if he could help it.

January 2002 Dean packed all his belongings into the back of his trunk and waved goodbye to Bobby. Sam had left to visit Jess in California before he started at Stanford University.  

Dean promised to keep in touch with Sam and Bobby called him most days with new cases, and when Bobby didn’t call, he searched for newspapers to find any signs of demonic activity. 

By July 2002 he had encountered 4 demons that were less than obliging with answering his questions and had killed them.  He had to find a way to make them talk; they seemed afraid to talk in case they were found out. He needed something, weakness, something that would make them tell him.

He messed up with the devils trap the first couple of times and came close to dying, but his instincts were getting more fine-tuned.

He made his way across the country, only stopping in a town for a night if there were no signs of mysterious deaths.

Bobby would send him credit cards and new identification badges, making sure they were timed that he would be passing the town the day the package for him would arrive.

Life was functional and busy, and he was happy with it, until one day in August 2003.

****

** August 20th, 2003.  ** ** Pontiac, Illinois**

“Are you absolutely sure there are demons?” he asked Bobby on the telephone.

“Yes. There have been cow mutilations and electrical storms…”

He rolled his eyes and walked into the motel bathroom and looked in the mirror, poking at the bruise that was beginning to swell beneath his left eye.

“Okay, okay… I’m going to go grab something to eat in the diner and then I’ll head that way.”  He disconnected the call, picked up his bag and threw it in the Impala and then dropped the key off at the office.

He made his way to the small diner and took a table next to the window and ordered a toasted bacon Sandwich to go.

While he waited, he looked out the window.  He felt like his blood supply had been cut off; he could barely breathe as he watched Castiel walk down the road; past the diner window.

Without thinking, he slid as fast as he could out of his seat and ran out the diner.

“Cas! “ He called out as he began to jog up to him; Castiel turned the corner without looking behind him. So he followed him around the corner and reached out and took hold of Castiel’s shoulder, spinning him around.

“Cas?”

Castiel stared at him, wide-eyed with his hands in the air.

“I don’t have much; my wallet is in my left pocket.”

Dean took a step back, this wasn’t Cas, he looked exactly like him, right down to the small scar to the underside of his chin, but it wasn’t Castiel, his voice was higher.

“Oh, I thought you were my friend, I’m sorry.”  He felt his stomach drop and his chest tightened, and he had to swallow hard. He stared into the blue eyes, searching them. No, he wasn’t Castiel. He jumped as a little girl came running up to the man,  “Daddy!” she called as she barrelled right into him. Dean stepped back, looking at the small girl. She couldn’t have been any older than six maybe seven, and then a woman called after her as she ran across the road. “Claire what have I told you about running across roads without me?”

He had to get away, he needed to get back into his car; this was too much.

“I’m sorry.” He said as he turned back the way he had come. He walked quickly past the diner; he didn’t feel like eating. He only relaxed when he finally got inside his car; rested his head back against the seat.  He felt the tears fall down his cheeks; would this pain ever go away?

He rubbed his eyes and shook his head; trying to clear it and then turned the ignition and put the car into first gear and drove out of the town.

He drove through the night, not wanting to sleep, knowing that it would bring the night terrors.  It had shaken him up, more than the first time the demon had held him against a wall, hand around his throat and cutting off the blood flow to his brain. More shook up than the bullet that just missed his head.

He felt shaky. Who was that man and why did he look just like Cas?

He arrived in the small town in Ohio earlier than he expected and so he didn’t have his new Identification or credit cards yet to book in at the motel. 

He was exhausted, he hadn’t slept in two days, so he found an open space away from prying eyes and took out his blankets from the trunk and made a makeshift bed on the back seat. He would take a small nap. He needed to be sharp if he was going to deal with the demons in this town.

He drifted off to sleep for a couple of hours before he woke up shouting Castiel’s name. Sweat beaded on his forehead and his heart was beating fast against his ribs.  When he realised he was in the car still, he lay back down and looked up at the roof of it. The stars were out, and the moon was bright. Why did this have to happen now? He thought that he was getting better, just a little but he felt it was the beginning of healing, but there was that empty feeling in his chest, the angry scream that wanted to be released. Hunting had done nothing to lessen it.

If he had just left town after checking out of the motel, he would not have seen that man, would not have believed Cas was alive, the hope would never have risen, and he wouldn’t be feeling the same way he felt 2 years before.  It was stupid to even think that Cas was back, people don’t come back to life. Even if somehow he was back, why wouldn’t he have looked for him?

He checked the time, it was ten thirty-five, he could call Sam; it would be only eight thirty-five in California, but Sam was busy with studying and he didn’t want to worry him, and Sam would worry.

He searched his contacts and stopped, his thumb lingering over the call button at a name he hadn’t called in several years.  Could he do it?

It would be just the one call, he just needed to talk to someone, and he didn't want to worry Sam or Bobby any more than he already was.

Before he could change his mind, he pressed the call button and put the phone to his ear and let the phone ring out until the answering service picked up.

He waited for the tone and then choked up as he tried to speak.

“its, uh, it’s nice to hear your voice” his voice breaking a little more as he swallowed hard.

“I need to talk to someone. I-uh... I thought I saw you the other day.” He paused, feeling the sting of tears and tried to keep himself together as he felt something tighten in his chest.

“He, um, he was wearing the same clothes as you, same colour hair, eyes but they weren’t  your eyes. He had a kid, yeah. I think the woman called her Claire. You should have seen the look on his face when I tugged at his Jacket, wanted to give me his wallet.” He paused and listened to the dead silence on the other end.

“ Cas... I miss you.” he choked out and slowly took the phone away from his ear and disconnected the call. Tears began to fall freely, clutching the phone to his chest for a moment and then shook his head to shake away the thoughts, he wiped his eyes and climbed over into the driver’s seat, turned the key and put his foot on the gas. He didn’t know where he was going, all he knew was he had to get out onto the open road for a while; he would call Bobby later and ask him to send another hunter to deal with the demons. He needed some time out from hunting.

 

 **********************

Back at Bobby's car yard, Bobby opened his office desk drawer and looked down at the mobile that was sitting on top, the sound of it vibrating drawing attention to it.  "1 missed call " was displayed on it.  Bobby frowned,  the hunt wasn't helping Dean; he expected the call to Castiel's mobile for a while but seeing it, made his heart ache for his surrogate son, he took the mobile out and put it on charge. He did the right thing keeping the account open and the mobile on charge. 

Bobby found Castiel's mobile when the hospital handed him all his possessions and he remembered back to a time when he wrote letters to Karen, always wishing he could hear her voice again, to be able to tell her how his day had gone. which was why he kept Castiel's mobile in service and charged. He couldn't do much to help Dean, it was something he had to heal from and learn to live with, but he could help him with giving him someone to talk to when he needed it. 

 

 **********************

** July 18th, 2004 Kansas **

Dean pulled up outside of the small chapel and sat looking out over the cemetery. 

He didn’t know why he had thought it was a good idea to be back there, he had avoided Kansas for three years. He sighed and stepped out of the Impala, and then opened the back door. He reached in and picked up three bunches of flowers and shut the door and turning back. He felt guilty for not visiting his mom and dad over the three years, but he didn’t feel strong enough, and if he was honest with himself now, he still didn’t feel strong enough.

He strolled towards the gates, and then glanced at the headstones until he reached his mother’s grave.

He looked down at the headstone and wished she was there with him, he missed her so much more in the past three years than he ever did before. Someone to tell him everything would be fine, it would work itself out. Someone to comfort him, tuck him in. Someone he could talk to and give him advice.

“Hey mom, dad, I’m sorry I haven’t come to visit in a long time, I just, “he sighed. “I just couldn’t be here. So, Sam’s in Stanford now, he and Jess are moving in together, he’s so happy.  You’d be really proud of him. “

He glanced up and looked around the cemetery and then knelt down and placed two of the three bunches of flowers near the headstone and stood up.

“ I miss you both so much, I hope you’re happy where ever you are, and I hope you’re together.”  Dean sniffed and swiped tears escaping down his cheek. “ Anyways, I have to go, I have one more stop to make, and then I’m gonna hit the road again, I, I don’t think I’m gonna be in town again for a while...  Bye Mom, Dad.” He stared at the headstone for a while longer and then moved away, heading further back to the cemetery.

This was the reason he was here, why he came back to Kansas, but now that he was walking between all the graves that brought him closer, he felt like he needed to turn back, needed to leave town. This wasn’t a good idea.

He stopped and looked down at the flowers in his hand, and then back up, scanning the headstones to locate the one he wasn’t sure he wanted to go to.

He sighed, if he didn’t do this, he would regret it. He stepped forward, quicker than before so he wouldn’t have a chance to change his mind.

Then he was there, his heartbreaking as he read the name on the headstone.  There were fresh flowers already resting against it, and he leaned down and placed his beside them. He asked the florist for  3 of each blue flower they had in stock, he didn’t know what any of them were called.

“Hi Cas,” he said, his voice breaking a little. “I haven’t been able to find any of the demons except meg, she’s back in hell, I was going to kill her, but I don’t know, I wanted her to suffer in the bowels of hell, killing her would have been too easy. I couldn’t find Alastair. Demons kept saying the craziest shit, like he’s dead, turned to ashes, they said I did it! “

 “Raphael is dead, I don’t know who killed him, some demon said it was another angel. They found him in heaven with his archangel blade in him. “

“I haven’t found Michael yet.” He paused, Three years to the day had passed, but the pain of the loss was still there, the hole in his chest still wide open.

Hunting wasn’t helping as much as it was and he started calling Castiel’s number most nights, telling him about his day, the hunt he was on. He knew it was pointless, Cas would never hear his messages but, it helped him get through another day.

It was just so damn hard to get up in the morning, the only reason he did get up was that he had lives to save, monsters to kill. Hunting was all he had, Sam hunted with him at times but it wasn’t for long, and then he was on the road again, alone.

He spent 3 months with Ellen after her husband died, it crushed her and Jo and he helped with the bar. It was nice seeing her, but it was heartbreaking to see how much she grieved.

Dean smiled and looked back at the headstone, “Bobby and Ellen tie the knot next year, she’s perfect for him, she keeps him in line. “  He sighed, this was pointless.  He turned and walked away, back to his car.

He took one more look towards the area of Castiel’s grave and then pulled away from the curb. He needed to get out of the town.

 

** September 10th, 2004  - Pontiac Illinois  **

He was not happy about this hunt, he didn’t want to be within a two-hundred-mile radius of the place, but Bobby had no one else close enough to deal with the vampires.

He booked himself into the motel, dropped his bag off his shoulder and then found a bar. He ordered a bottle of beer and glanced around the bar. If the Vampire was going to be anywhere, the bar would be the first place to look, although one could be behind the trash out the back, or lurking in the shadows of trees, but since most of the victims were last seen in the bar, it was the best place to start.

A woman came and sat down beside him and smiled. He returned her smile and then turned to continue surveying the room. She was pretty, but he had no interest in her, or anyone else.  Sam hounded him constantly telling him that he needed to get back on the saddle, but he just couldn’t do that to Cas, he tried once, he even got as far as her bedroom, but he couldn’t do it. He left the moment she went into the bathroom, and that was that.

“You’re not from around here, are you?” she asked,

He turned back towards her. “Um, no, I’m just passing through.” He took a large mouthful of beer and turned toward her a little, he might as well be friendly.

“What about you?” he asked,

She shook her head. “Nope, I’m… passing through too.” She grinned at him, and he couldn’t help smile back.

“I’m Dean, and you are?” He took another mouthful of the beer,

“Nice to meet you, Dean, I’m Charlie.”

Dean really liked her, she had that high energy around her, and he found himself wanting to talk to her but, he was there for a reason, he needed to find out where the Vampire nest was.  It wouldn’t hurt though to speak to her for a while longer, it would look less suspicious if he were with someone else.

“So, if you’re passing through, where are you heading?” He asked curiously, glancing around the room again, checking out the man who changed sides of the table and was now leaning into the woman, close to her neck. The woman laughed, and the man turned back to his drink.” He made a note to keep an eye on that and glanced past them.

“I’m heading nowhere in particular, I’m touring the country.” She replied with a sheepish grin.

“Aren’t you a bit young to be drinking?” He asked, tilting his head a little, he glanced over at the man again, and then back to Charlie.

“I’m 21,” She grinned.

“If you’re 21, then I’m the tooth fairy.” He smirked at her and glanced sideways again.

“What if I said 20? “ she asked.

He gave her a side eye look and raised his an eyebrow.

“Fine, I’m 19, just don’t tell the hot bartender,” she hitched her thumb back to the woman who was serving a customer further up the bar.

Dean raised his eyebrow again and nodded. Nice, he thought. “Your secret is safe with me. “ He said as he watched the man stand up and helped the girl out of her seat.

“Uh, I have to go, I’ll see ya around maybe?” He said quickly and jumped off his seat.

Charlie looked taken back but nodded; smiling. “See-ya.” She said and then turned back around to bend over the bar, apparently checking out the bartender's ass. He would have laughed if he wasn’t about to chop the head off a monster.

He left the bar quietly and kept himself in the shadows, he moved to the bin and pulled the bag aside to retrieve his blade, then followed the couple at a safe distance. He hoped his instincts were right, if not he might be about to cock-block the man.

He followed them until they headed into an alleyway several streets over, he backed himself against the wall and glanced down the alley, he couldn’t see much, he needed to get closer, so he moved excruciatingly slow into the alley to avoid making any noise and then hid behind a large bin.

At first, the man was just smooth talking the girl, pushing her up against the wall, his head tilted and mouth against her neck. Dean gripped the Machete tight and waited, his instincts screaming at him to take the vamp out, but he had to wait, he needed confirmation before he decapitated the monster.

The girl yelped, then shouted for the man to get off, she tried to push him away, but he pushed her harder against the wall.

Dean crept behind the monster and tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey pal, you  heard the lady, move.” He demanded.

The vampire turned around, baring his fangs and Dean didn’t need another confirmation and swung the blade across his neck.

The girl screamed and pressed herself against the wall, she stared down at the head that was staring up at her.

“What the fuck was that?” she asked, suddenly looking up in shock at him.

“Vampire.” He said, pissed off, unless this bloodsucker was living alone; which there was no chance in hell that he was, he needed to stick around longer and find the nest; great he was stuck in the town for a while.

The woman ran off, and he sighed. “You’re welcome” he muttered and looked down; disgusted at the head of the vamp and leaned down and wiped his blade with its clothes.

He sighed and moved back out of the alleyway. This wasn’t gonna be an in and out job.

 


	37. Chapter 37

Dean slowed his footsteps as he rounded the corner and then quickly moved to put his back to the wall and waited for whoever was following him to walk around the corner.

It was coming to the end of the second week of being in Pontiac, and he was running off very little sleep. He spent most nights lurking in the alleyways and visiting the bar, and now he finally had a lead to where the Vampires were hauled up. Which was where he was on his way to until he heard someone kicked a can that had been dropped at some point over the day.

He gripped his blade tightly, preparing himself to fight when a red-headed girl came around the corner, took a few more steps and stopped.

He pushed away from the wall and put the blade back inside his jacket and stepped up behind her,

“Lost someone?” He asked casually, smirking a little when he saw her visibly jump and then spun around to face him.

“I was uh, No, I always walk this way…” she trailed off.

“You were following me?” Dean asked her suspiciously,

“No, well yeah, okay, I followed you.”

“Why?” He asked cocking his head to the side. Charlie moved side to side, shifting her weight from foot to foot.

“I was curious, You’ve been skulking around town the last two weeks,  you come into the bar every night, and you’re always looking around the room as if you’re looking for something.  You leave after an hour and then come back later. You carry a machete with you; which you hide in the bin just outside the bar and you follow folks out of the bar, and they aren’t seen in there again. “ Charlie paused and looked unsure before she tilted her head. “Are you like a hitman?”

Damn, he thought he had been smooth with his surveillance, was he that obvious? If she noticed, then what if the vampires saw too?

He shook his head and laughed. “No, I’m not a hitman.”

He watched her for a moment, she seemed to be going over something in her head before speaking once again. “Okay, so not a hitman.  An undercover FBI agent?”

He shook his head again. “No.” he answered,  _not this week anyway_.

He looked past Charlie to the end of the road, it was getting dark, and he wanted to get to the house before it was completely dark; he wasn’t going to let any of the bloodsucking freaks leave there alive.

“Look, Charlie, I would really love to stand here and talk with you, but I gotta run, I have an appointment. I’ll see you at the bar later?” He asked, hoping she would take the hint and leave.

Unfortunately, the cute, curious red head shook her head. “ I’m coming.” She informed him, looking defiantly.

“I really don’t think that’s a good idea, Charlie.” He replied and then looked back up and then down the road before he suddenly had an idea.

“Actually, you can come with me, I need your help.” He said grinning. He didn’t want to do this, but it was a better option than letting her get killed.

Charlies face brightened, and she beamed up at him. “Okay, what do you want me to do?” she asked, and he turned back the way he had come.

“Follow me,” he said and began retracing his steps back to the Impala, moving quickly, hearing Charlie just behind him.

Once he reached the Impala, he opened the door for her and gestured for her to get in. Charlie paused for a moment; looking into the car and then back up at Dean,  silently questioning him.

He rolled his eyes and sighed. “I’m not gonna kill you, you have a choice, you can walk on to the bar, and I’ll meet ya later, or you can jump in the car… I don’t have time to stand here.” He was about to close the door again when Charlie sighed and then slid into the seat.

He stepped around to the driver's side and got in and pulled away from the curb.

He pulled into the car lot of the motel and got out and moved around to the passenger side and opened her door, Charlie stepped out and looked around.

“Why are we here?” she asked; looking nervous.

“I just need to get some things from my room, coming?” he asked as he moved towards the stairs to the second floor. She paused for a second but then quickly followed up behind him.

He got into the room and moved to the refrigerator; making sure there was enough food and picked up the milk and took a sniff, it would do for a few days.

He waited for Charlie to walk further into the room and then  reached back to the front door, “I’ll be back in a second, I need to get something out of the trunk, make yourself comfortable.”

Charlie nodded as she looked around at the mess of his clothes that was sprawled out on the floor and the bed.

 He slipped out the door and locked it. He moved quickly to the Impala and jumped in and started the engine and reversed out of the parking lot.

He felt only slightly guilty for locking her in the room, but he needed to keep her safe, he didn’t need her to become a bargaining chip or worse, the vampires next food source.

She could get out of the motel, he reassured himself,  it wasn’t like she was imprisoned but it gave him enough time to get away and for her to not follow him.

He looked out the rearview mirror and up to the second floor which was disappearing into the distance and saw Charlie looking out towards the car.

He would apologise later, but now he had a nest of bloodsuckers to kill.

**********************

 

 

As far as hunts went, taking out the whole nest wasn’t difficult. Although the sting above his eye and the pain in his ribs was significant enough to make him wince, he at least was alive.

He pulled into the parking lot and looked up towards his room, there were no lights on inside so Charlie must have left; which he was thankful for; he didn’t want to have to explain why he had tricked her.

He pulled out his bag from the trunk and winced at the stabbing pain in his ribs,  the blow to them with the bar must have broken a couple of them. Strapping them would help, and he planned to take it easy until they healed.

He sighed and moved slowly up the stairs, fishing out his keys from his pocket as he went. He unlocked his door and stepped inside; immediately becoming aware that he wasn’t alone.

He could hear the other person or monster breathing and then the smell of perfume. He groaned as the light came on and he turned around to find Charlie looking pissed at him as she stood by the light switch.

“I thought you left, “he said as he dropped his bag, one arm clutching across his ribs.

Charlie took in the sight of him and looked concerned. “What the hell happened to you?” she asked as she stepped forward to help him move to the bed.

“I got into a fight.” He answered and then let out a huffy laugh, “If you think I look bad, you should see the other guy.” He winced as fingers probed his ribs.

“Uh huh,” Charlie responded distracted, gently lifting his shirt to look at the area. She winced as she took in the sight of his chest.

“You got a lot of bruising, “ she added quietly as her fingers gently skimmed the skin.

“Maybe a couple of broken ribs but I’ll live.” He replied, watching her. “I thought you’d be gone.”

Charlie glanced up at him. “I was planning to leave, but then, I found those,” Charlie gestured over to the blades, holy water, bullet casings and red spray cans. “What the hell do you do? “ she asked then as she moved her attention to the cut above his eye.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” He said, letting out a short huff of a laugh.

She stilled her fingers and looked up into his eyes. “Try me.” She challenged him, refusing to break eye contact.

“I kill monsters.” He said, expecting her to laugh at him.

She raised her eyebrow, “monsters?” she asked,

“Yeah, you know Gouls, werewolves, vampires… monsters.”

“Really? “ she asked.

He nodded and hissed as a sharp stabbing pain accompanied the movement.

She moved to his bag and rummaged through it until she found a cloth and walked to the kitchen sink and soaked it; remaining quiet as she worked.

She kneeled in front of him and began dabbing the cloth over his eye, and he hissed again, she remained thoughtful in her thoughts for a long time.

 Dean watched her as she tended to the cut, it had been a while since someone had touched him, even to just clean a wound. He started to drift off into his own thoughts until Charlie pulled his attention back.

“What monster did this to you?” she asked curiously

He thought about lying again for a moment but why? Since she was there, she had been company when he hung out at the bar, the worst she could do was run.

“Vampires.” He answered, and she stilled and looked into his eyes, and then her face split into a big grin. “Really?”

“Uh huh,” he replied and then winced at the pain as she poked at the wound area harder than he expected.

“Oh, Sorry!” she said as she pulled back a little on her pressure.

“Well the cut doesn’t look deep, but maybe you should go to the hospital about your ribs. The bruising looks nasty.”

“No, I will strap them up, they’ll be good. Can I ask you something?” He asked.

Charlie sat back on her heels and looked up at him and nodded.

“Why aren’t you laughing? Or at least calling me crazy or freaking out?” he asked.

She grinned, “ I always thought there were monsters, you just confirmed my suspicions. I am sure my fourth-grade teacher was a werewolf, he was extremely hairy, there had to have been something supernatural about him.”

Dean chuckled a little. “Werewolves aren’t hairy in human form…  but maybe he was.” He added as he saw her face fall, seeming disappointed.

She grinned and got to her feet and moved to sit beside him. “So, tell me about some monsters you’ve killed. “

He smiled. “Sure, but I gotta wash up and take some painkillers first.” He stood up and gritted his teeth against the pain, a hot shower, painkillers and some whiskey would definitely help with the pain.

Charlie helped him up and then helped him move to the bathroom. He would have protested when she began taking off his shirt, but the muscles he would have to use to remove his shirts would have been painful.   He sat down on the toilet seat as she pulled off his shoes and socks and then walked to the shower and turned it on.

“I’ll let you get undressed,” she smiled and left the room.

He gritted his teeth and pulled himself up and carefully slid out of his jeans. Then moved to the shower and stepped into the hot spray, letting it heat him up and ease his muscles. It had been a very long two weeks and thank god he wouldn’t be in the town much longer.

His only regret was saying goodbye to his newly made friend, he couldn’t stay in the town, Not when the man that wore the same face as Cas lived there.

 He had seen him way too many times over the two weeks, and he would be lying if he said he hadn’t deliberately on occasion sought out the familiar face,  amongst the painful reminder of Castiel, there was also a small amount of comfort.  He didn’t have to try and remember every little thing about Castiel’s features, the hard line of his jaw or the dark colour of his hair. However, the nightmares that followed were always the worst.  When he left the town at least, he would no longer have the temptation to sought Jimmy Novak out just so he could see Castiel’s face again.

He turned off the shower and stepped out and turned to the mirror, he wiped the steam off it and evaluated the cut above his eye and then down to his chest. There was a darkening angry red, blue and white bruise stretching across most of the lower side of his ribs on the left and a few scratches on the right where one vampire had dug and scratched at his side when he had the vampire pinned down.

The scratches were shallow and would heal over a few days, but he touched the area of the bruise and hissed.  He gritted his teeth and pushed harder on the bones, they didn’t seem broken, just heavily bruised from the bar and steel cap boots that met them as a vampire kicked him.

He sighed, at least they were all dead and couldn’t hurt anyone else.  He dried himself off and dressed in a pair of track pants and shirt that were in the basket; he wasn’t comfortable with walking through the motel semi-dressed, although Charlie wasn’t interested in men, it still made him feel uncomfortable.

Charlie handed him two painkillers and the bottle of whiskey and smiled. “I thought you might want these.”

He smiled down at her then popped the pills in his mouth and washed it down with the whiskey, hissing a little from the burn of his throat, but then moved over to the bed and gently lowered himself to sit on it.

Charlie sat beside him, waiting expectantly for him to start talking.

He rolled his eyes. “Okay, so what do you want to know about first?”

She grinned, “Ghosts, they’re real too, right?”

He nodded.

They spent the rest of the night and way into the early hours talking about different supernatural monsters that existed, Dean showed Charlie the journal he had begun at the beginning, and eventually, they both passed out on the bed.

*****************************

He awoke spluttering as he breathed in several strands of red hair. He removed them and then looked down carefully and winced as the pain around his ribs began to throb, Charlie tucked close to him, her head resting on his chest. He sighed and put his head back on the pillow and looked up at the ceiling. He wouldn’t be moving from the area for a couple more days, there was no way he would be able to drive without pain for any length of time.

He looked down again as Charlie stirred and then moved to sit up, her hair falling in front of her eyes.

“Morning sleepy head.” He said, his voice a little hoarse from the amount of time he spent talking the night before.

“Ugh,” was her only answer as she moved to lay beside him and closed her eyes again.

“What time is it? “ she asked.

Dean lifted his arm and looked at his watch, “it’s ten thirty.”

“five hours sleep isn’t enough.” She stated.

He smiled, "five hours is more than I usually get.” He replied, “I’m lucky if I get four.” He added.

Charlie opened one eye and stared at him. “Man, how do you function?” 

He tried to shrug and gritted his teeth against the stab of pain.

“Dean?” she asked as she slowly opened her other eye.

He turned to look at her, “Yeah?”

“Do you mind if I stick around for a few days, You’re gonna need help and… well, I don’t have anywhere to stay after today, I was gonna move on from here.”

He watched her for a moment and then nodded. “Of course.” He eventually said. With Sam being away at Stanford and no longer needing him, he had missed having someone to talk to, and even though he hadn’t known her long, he had started to see her like the sister he never had.

Charlie beamed up at him. “Awesome.” She rolled off the bed to standing and looked down at him. “I’m gonna go back  and get my stuff, do you want me to get some coffee and something to eat while I’m out?”

“Now you’re talking.” He said with a grin and winced again as he sat up.  _Oh yeah_ , it was going to be a long couple of days. “Could you chuck me over the painkillers on your way out?” he asked her.

Charlie nodded and moved to the kitchen, then came back with a glass of water and the bottle of painkillers.

“Okay, I’m not gonna be long,” she said as she turned and picked up her bag. 

He nodded, and half waved as she left the room. He knocked back two of the pills and then rested against his pillow.

 

******************************

Dean stayed a week at the motel with Charlie but it was time to move on, his ribs felt good as new but the bruising was still fading, the cut above his eye was healing well, and the swelling was long since gone.

Charlie managed to get herself a credit card and was leaving to visit some friend who she met through some online gaming community, and so they exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch.

He watched as Charlie drove away and he stepped back into the motel to pack up his gear and hit the road.

He felt his stomach drop as he stood in the middle of the room, once again alone.

He picked up is mobile and dialled the familiar number, this wasn’t healthy, but he needed to hear Castiel's voice.

He sat down on the bed and just stared at the number. It definitely wasn’t healthy, and he probably needed psychiatric help, but it helped.

He pressed the button and put it to his ear and listened to his voice, he closed his eyes and pretended for a moment that he was still alive like he did every time he called and then began telling him what happened over the week, told him about Charlie. He finished the call with his usual “I love you.” And hung up. It didn’t get any easier; saying goodbye, but for a brief moment, he felt almost okay. He would never admit to Sam or Bobby that he calls Castiel’s mobile, they’d probably commit him to an asylum.

He stood up and pocketed his mobile and then picked up his bag. His next job was a state over,  several killings seemed supernatural; although he had no idea what it was. He guessed he would soon find out.

He drove out of the town without stopping, he didn’t want to risk seeing Jimmy Novak, if he did, he probably would stick around.  He pulled out a cassette from his cardboard cassette box and pushed it into the tape player and leaned back in his seat and settled in for the long drive.

 


	38. Chapter 38

** September 2005 **

“Sam, you sure about this?” Dean asked his brother; unsure of his decision.

“Yes,  Jess made her choice, I have to respect it,” Sam replied sounding exasperated.

“And what about Stanford? You’re gonna throw away everything you’ve ever worked for?” Dean pressed on,  trying to make sense of his decision.

“I’m just taking a year off; a leave of absence, I’m not throwing anything away. I just need a break, get away from everything. “Sam explained again for the fifth time.

Dean stayed quiet, not liking the idea of Sam throwing his education away, he understood the need to get away, but he was worried that Sam may not go back. One of them had to make in this world.

“Dean, if you don’t want me to come with you, then just say so, I will go, I just thought that maybe we could go on the road together for a while,  catch up. “

Dean turned to face Sam, his expression softening, “Sam it’s not that, it’s just, I don’t want you taking this year off and then forget about it. “

“I won’t. I’ve spoken to the advisor about everything, I’m going back next year. I just need time away from the pressure of the courses, I need- I need time away from Jess and her new boyfriend. I need to wrap my head around where I’m heading in my life.” Sam explained; dragging his hands through his hair.

“Fine,” Dean replied,

“Fine,” Sam repeated.

Dean smiled, “so, the Winchester bros hunting together again, Like old times!” he grinned,

The last time they hunted together was over a year before, Dean was becoming increasingly bored of his own company.

He caught up with Charlie several times which broke up the moments where he was on his own, he spent both Christmases at Bobby’s with Ellen, Jo, Sam and Jess and as he passed through Minnesota, he visited Adam. However, the past six months had been difficult, he spent every second of his time searching for Demons, Vampires, Wendigos, Shapeshifters, Werewolves, Rougarous and Djinns and anything else that could keep him busy.

He caught himself thinking about visiting Pontiac on occasion, to just see Castiel’s face again, of course, he knew it wasn’t him, but he just wanted – needed to keep him fresh in his mind, he stopped himself each time as he started the engine of the Impala.

He thought about contacting Dr Marks but dismissed the idea quickly.

“So what do you say?” Sam asked, interrupting his thoughts.

“What?” He replied as he glanced over at his brother.

“We go get something to eat and then hit the road?” Sam asked again, his eyebrows knitting together. “You okay?” He asked.

Dean smiled, “ Yeah, Everything’s fine.”  

Sam paused for a moment searching Dean’s eyes and then shrugged, “Alright then, “ he turned and picked up his bag and then moved to the door, looking back once and then continued out of it.

Dean picked up his bags and followed his brother out to the Impala.

 

 

They travelled across the country, tracking down every kind of monster that they could. Dean filled himself with a new purpose for existing, he spent little time thinking about Castiel; wouldn’t give himself enough time to sit in silence and think about him. His sole focus became the hunt again.

Sam didn’t say a word about him moving on and he was grateful for it. They spent their nights staking out a building, or in a bar conning the locals into departing with their cash through games of pool. Dean was drinking a lot, he knew he was but it helped him cope; helped him sleep.

 Hunting monsters had its drawbacks, the nightmares were more vivid, more bloody and he woke up sweating.  The alcohol just eased it and limited the dreaming.

  That’s what he would tell people when he knocked back the dark amber liquid neat from his glass in one gulp, but he knew it was more than that even if he didn’t admit to it; even to himself.

Dean still had no more information about the demons and angels, and it was fueling his hunt more and more as each month went by, he couldn’t rest, not until he got his vengeance once and for all.

5 months into hunting Sam finally met Charlie and Dean grinned as he watched his nerdy brother debate animatedly with her about some character or another.

They hit it off and the three of them spent two weeks hanging out before the brothers moved on when new reports of monster activities drew their attention. Charlie begged them to let her join them on the hunt and she jumped back startled as both men snapped out “No!” at the same time.  She tried to pout her lip and give them puppy dog eyes but Sam scoffed and declared himself the king of puppy eyes and therefore immune to her attempts to persuade him.

Dean rolled his eyes at them and picked up his bag and stepped out of the motel, “Sam, come on!’” he shouted over his shoulder.

By July though, the brothers were needing space, Dean was sick of Sams constantly nagging of healthy eating and bitch faces. They decided to work alone for a month before joining back up one more time before Sam went back to life at Stanford.

 

It was during this time apart that things changed for both the brothers, Sam met someone, apparently a female hunter, someone who he had a lot in common with.  Dean received a parcel from Bobby.

** July 25th, 2006 **

 

Dean sat in the driver's seat of the Impala, looking sideways at the parcel that sat on his passenger side, his mobile to his ear; waiting for Bobby to pick up.

As he was about to disconnect the call the gruff voice of the older hunter answered. “You pick the worst time to call. What ya want?” Bobby asked irritated.

“Well hello to you too Bobby.” Dean retorted.

“Ya haven’t told me what you want.” The older man barked back.

“I picked up the package you sent. Now before I open it, is there anything in there that I should not be opening in broad daylight inside the Impala?” He asked giving the package another side glance.

“No, it’s safe to open.  Before you do though, ya need to know, it’s stuff that was sent back from the police. “

Dean leaned over and pulled the parcel in front of him and balanced his mobile between his shoulder and chin, then slowly began to open it; curious to its contents.

“Yeah? So why are you sending it to me?” he asked as he leaned over and opened his glove compartment to get the small swiss knife he kept tucked at the back of it, then straighten back up and made a cut into the corner where the tape met the two ends of the parcel.

“It’s from the police evidence locker,” Bobby said gently.

Dean paused and looked at it, he knew the tone was meant to mean something but why should it bother him that there was something from the evidence locker of a police station?

he heard Bobby exhale as the silence drew on for a little longer.

“Castiel’s.”

Dean froze as understanding crept in and then stared apprehensively at the box, not sure if he wanted to open it or fling it out the window.

He took in a few deep inhales and resuming to open it,  but slower than before.

“I thought you’d want these, maybe to hold on to,” Bobby spoke in more of a whisper than in his usual voice.

Dean finally broke the tape seals of the box and opened it.

Inside was a neatly folded tan material. He ran his fingers over it; feeling the rough yet soft material across the pad of his fingers.  He knew that coat anywhere and he lifted it to his face; smelling the material hoping to smell a hint of Castiel.  He felt the disappointment when he found the coat lacking Castiel’s scent.

He put the coat to the side and peered into the package, there were two smaller boxes inside and he lifted the large one out first and it was black, the kind you got from jewellers but Dean didn’t recognize the box and he thumbed the edges of it. Bobby pulled his attention back to the fact he was on the telephone but he hadn’t said a word since opening the parcel.

He placed the jewellery box back into the parcel and carefully lifted the coat and placed it on top, putting the parcel back onto the passenger seat, and giving Bobby his full attention once again.

“Thank you, Bobby.” He quietly replied, not trusting his voice to not break.

Bobby sighed. “It was nothing son,  Are ya gonna be alright?” he asked sounding concerned.

Dean nodded and then realized Bobby couldn’t see him. He cleared his throat. “Yeah I’ll be fine, I should go and find a motel for the night. Thanks again Bobby, I mean it.” He smiled slightly, but he could feel the corners of his mouth pulling down and he rubbed his face; as if that would stop his lip from quivering, or the tears that were beginning to spill over. He pinched the bridge of his nose and shook himself and took another deep breath in.

“Alright son, if you need anything, you call me okay?”

“Sure, no problem. Bye.” Dean hung up as he felt himself break apart, all the healing being blasted into the darkness the rawness hit him like a tornado, picking him up and spinning him like a rag doll.

It took him 10 minutes to get himself under control, and he wiped his eyes, started the car and kept his eyes on the road, he didn’t want to look over at the package, he didn’t want to see the coat; at least not until he was safely inside the walls of the motel.

He found a “motel six” not far away and he pulled up, checked himself in and pulled out his bag from the trunk and then moved to the passenger side to pick up the parcel; using his foot to kick the door shut.

Once he was inside he dropped his bag beside the door as he closed it and moved over to the bed and turned the TV on for background noise,  then put the box down. He stood staring at it, biting his bottom lip; dragging his teeth over it and contemplated opening it again.

One part wanted to see what was there, the other part didn’t’ want the wounds to be ripped wide open again; he knew if they opened,  it wouldn’t be easy close them again. It had taken so long for him to be at a place in his life where he could function more than just survive.

 He moved over to his bag and pulled out the beer he had purchased on the way into town and placed them on the table, taking one from the 6 pack and opening it. He took a long, long swig of the beer and then placed it back on the table. He glanced back over at the box.

He spent 5 minutes debating with himself before curiosity won out.

He stepped purposefully to the bed and sat down and pulled the box into his lap.

He carefully moved the coat, and placed it beside him and reached inside to pick up the black jewellery box. He stared at it for a long moment before he opened it.

He drew in a sharp breath as he looked down at the silver wings, the name “Castiel” inscribed on the silver plate and the black leather of the band.

It was the first gift he had given Castiel, their first Christmas, after their first fight there was a lot of firsts around that time. Dean thumbed the wings and the nameplate and then adjusted the strap before he pushed his hand through it and felt the cool material rest on his wrist.

He had no idea that Castiel was wearing it that day, he hadn’t even bothered to look. He drew in the air as his lip began to quiver, he swallowed hard and shook his head and turned back to parcel and reached inside to pick up the smaller box,  he slowly opened it and stared down at a ring he hadn’t seen Castiel wear before, it was identical to the one he was wearing, the one that Balthazar had given him and now knew was inscribed with Enochian toward the wearer from Angels.

Had he missed Castiel wearing it? He reached back into his memories and didn’t remember a time that he wore it. He plucked the band out and held it in his hand, looking at the inscribing.

He looked at his own two rings, one that Castiel had given him for his birthday and the one that Balthazar had given to both him and Sam.

He tested Castiel's ring, sliding it onto the finger that had the ring Castiel had given him. It was a little tight but it still slipped on easy enough.

He stared at the finger and the sadness threatened to overcome him.

These were Castiel’s personal items, the things he wore the night he was taken to the hospital. He picked up the trench coat and scanned it, it was clean, and there were a few sown up tears that marked the evidence of the brutal attack that Castiel had suffered so much but it was clean. Ellen must have fixed it and removed the blood, he felt the warmth flood through his heart at the thought of Ellen taking care of it, knowing how much it would mean to him.

He felt tired, worn out and when he fell back on the mattress, he felt…. He didn’t know how he felt. he felt nothing and everything all at once, but it felt like it was far away. 

He stared at the ceiling long enough for him to fall asleep, the day driving and the emotional scars ripping open had drained him.

 

********************

Over the next several weeks Dean couldn’t think of anything for too long before his mind drifted back to Castiel, back to how life had been different.  A life that seemed like almost a dream, where monsters were only on the TV and in books. They didn’t exist in this world. A life where he struggled to come to terms with his mother's death and his role in it.

He thought he heard Castiel’s voice and would turn as a monster came from the direction he thought he heard his voice. Sometimes it distracted him from the hunt and sometimes it helped. It was dangerous though and he needed to somehow to lock it away again, focus on the hunt and only the hunt. He was counting down the 5 days that were left before he planned to meet back up with Sam, it couldn’t come soon enough. 

He rubbed his wrist unconsciously thumbing the leather of the band as he watched the news,  cow mutilations was happening more frequently than before no one could figure out the reason for it. He drove through 3 different towns but left finding nothing that could tell him what was behind it, or where the monsters were. There was a pattern to start with but then it changed and now it was more a wait and see kind of deal which was making him anxious. He didn’t like sitting and doing nothing about it.  His mind wandered back to the conversation with Cas, the one about the apocalypse and he often wondered if this had something to do with it, had they found a way around it?  Has someone else possibly broken the first seal?

The sound of his phone ringing brought his focus back into the room and he looked at the ID to find Sam’s number flashing on the screen.

“Yeah?” he asked into the receiver.

“Hey Dean, what motel are you in?”

“Aztec motel on central avenue. Why?” He asked, sitting up straight

“Okay, I’ll be there in twenty minutes,”  Sam replied sounding excited.

“Alright, I’m in number three.” He replied, his interest definitely peaked.

“I’ll see you then, oh and Dean, make sure you’re dressed  decently, I have someone with me.”

“Oh, now you have my full attention. Who are you bringing? A lady friend?” Dean teased

Sam sighed, “I’ll be there soon. Bye.”

The phone went dead and Dean looked at the screen and shook his head and grinned. “I’m gonna take that as a yes.”  He looked around the motel and noticed that his clothes were strewn across the room. He sighed and stood up and began collecting his clothes together, then dumped them back into his bag.

By the time Sam knocked the door,  Dean had cleaned up the motel and went to the local grocery store and picked up more beer on the way back. He made it back to the motel with only a minute to spare.

Dean swung the door open and the first face he noticed was a cute brunette smiling at him from the side of his brother.

He turned to Sam and grinned then opened the door wider to let them inside.

Sam stepped through first and then stepped to the side to let his friend enter. “Dean, I want you to meet Eileen. Eileen this is my brother, Dean.” Dean watched as Sam signed some of what he was saying and it dawned on him that Eileen was Deaf.  

He turned to her and smiled warmly. “Hey,” he said,  “Hello, Sam has told me so much about you,” she replied.

“I wish I had heard more about you.” he glanced at his brother giving him a fake stern look and Sam rolled his eyes.

“So, how did you two meet? I wanna know all about it!” Dean stepped into the kitchen section and filled the kettle with water, then turned it on. He moved around the kitchen taking out things he needed as Sam began explaining what happened and how he and Eileen bumped into each other as he was hunting a Rougarou and she was searching for the Banshee that had killed her parents when she was little and caused her to become deaf.

Dean was impressed, she was badass, cute and matched Sam for intelligence.  She was Sam’s perfect match. They spent the night talking, sharing battle stories and scars to go with them. 

Dean was worried though, Sam was meant to go back to Stanford in just over a month, would he go back? He seemed too smitten with Eileen, Dean noticed the little mouth quirks, how Sam would glance at her shyly, he knew that look; Sam liked her a lot.

He focused back on the conversation and put aside the concerns, he had time to talk to Sam. 

Sam bringing Eileen to meet him helped him a lot,  it took his mind off Castiel; a welcome distraction after the emotionally draining last few weeks.

 


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're probably noticing the chapters have become shorter, I thought it would be better because I can post more frequently with them being shorter. 
> 
> Please excuse any typos that might still be there, I have gone through it but I always seem to miss some, even when I read through it so many times that my eyes become blurry. 
> 
> This chapter is leading to something, can you guess what it is? leave a comment if you have a theory! :) <3

** August 2006 **

“so what? You’ve decided that going to school is less important than hunting?” Dean furiously shot at Sam.

Sam dropped his hands and shook his head, his hair falling into his eyes. “Dean, it isn’t that simple.”

“It’s really simple Sam.  You’ve decided to not go back because you want to hunt.” Dean snapped back, feeling his temper teetering delicately on the edge, he tried to keep calm but Sam wasn’t making that easy. He didn’t spend most of their childhood and teen years encouraging Sam to aim for higher for him to then just give up and follow his footsteps into hunting.

“Dean, Mum and Dad, they suffered – mom died because of this prophecy, dad spent the remainder of his life depressed, drinking until his liver failed. All because of these- these monster- because of me.”

Dean felt the lump in his throat and all his anger washed away as he looked at Sam’s tear-filled eyes.

“Sam…”

“Don’t tell me it’s not my fault Dean.”

“Sam, it wasn’t- it isn’t your fault.  How can it be your fault? Dad messed up, he fell asleep at the wheel, and mum died. He felt guilty and drank himself to death. None of it- None of It was your fault. You understand that?”

Sam shook his head, tears now spilling down his cheeks. “But she was going to die, Dean, it was her fate – that’s what you said! Cas-“ Dean flinched at Castiel’s name being mentioned but Sam seemed to not have noticed, “ told you that it was her destiny and dad…. Dad was always going to kill himself in one way or another.  Why? ’Cause I’m meant to be some kind of Demonic golden child that would bring hell to earth? If I wasn’t born, then none of it would have had to happen. “

“Sam, that isn’t true. Anyways that doesn’t matter, it doesn’t explain you throwing away every dream you’ve had of becoming a lawyer.”

“Yeah, it does.  Why do you hunt Dean?”

Dean was taken aback by the question, but he knew exactly where it was leading. “That’s different.”

“Different how?” Sam countered back.

“It just is,” Dean muttered, he knew he was about to lose the argument, but he just wished  Sam would take a step back from the hunting, have a friggin’ life, one that he didn’t think he could have now.

“Sam, just tell me one good reason, just one, and I’ll let it go for now.”

Sam sighed heavily and sat on the bed. “I can’t go back there, I need to do something more with my life, being a lawyer Is great, I could help people from being screwed by corporations, or defend innocent people but, hunting… it’s more than just a job, we save people Dean- Not from legal problems but actually save their lives.   Being a lawyer feels meaningless. Hunting is a calling, Yes, it’s dangerous and we’ve both been hurt countless times, but this is my life. I feel like this is what I was meant to do. I know you feel it too, I see it in your eyes when we’re actively hunting a vampire, or a demon, there’s something behind them that comes alive, a spark that you lost 6 years ago.”

Dean flinched at the reminder of what happened with Cas but he understood what Sam was referring to, it was there for him; that feeling that he was in the right place, doing what he was always meant to do and he sighed heavily; dragging his hands over his face.

He stepped over to the bed and sunk down on to it to face Sam at eye level.

“Okay, I can’t make you go back to Stanford and do something you don’t want to do, but I worry about you and hunting. If you don’t want to go back, fine, but you’re going to do exactly what I say when I say it. Got it?”

Sam sighed and shook his head, looking away. “I mean it, Sam, “ Dean leaned over to draw Sam’s attention back to him.

Sam turned back and exhaled heavily, “Fine. For now, I’m twenty-three years old. I’m not a child anymore, but for now, I will follow your lead.”

Dean nodded then smiled. “So when do we meet back up with Eileen?” He asked feeling the weight of the conversation melting away.

He noticed the spark that entered Sam’s eyes at the mention of her name. “Day after tomorrow.” He replied.

“Well, I feel like going out for a drink, coming?” Dean leaned over and picked up his wallet and stood up then waited for Sam to answer.

“No, I’m going to hang back and just check out the news articles.” Sam picked up his laptop and scooted back against the wall.

“Okay, you do that,” Dean replied, watching his brother for a moment before shaking his head and stepping out of the motel room.

The air was thick and humid, he wiped his forehead; feeling the perspiration almost instantly, then began a slow stroll to the local bar. He had been in the bar far more times than he wanted to admit in the week that they had been in the town, but there wasn’t much else to do, so why not?

As he stepped closer to the bar he felt something cold brush past him, and it sent a chill down his spine, he turned on the spot and looked around but couldn’t see anything, he stepped closer to the alleyway; carefully listening for any out of the usual sound but there was just silence. He glanced left and right once more and then continued on to the bar.

It wasn’t the first time he had felt the cold sensation, but it was the first time that it happened while he was walking around, it usually woke him from a nightmare, the touch of something cold. He woke up to the air feeling colder than it should. His first go to thought was a ghost but he didn’t find any evidence and his EMF meter didn’t show any signs of one either.

Sam passed it off as the window was open and a cold breeze must have come in, but the window was shut; he always made sure that the windows were locked and salt lines were in place.  Sam suggested that it was sleep paralysis but he didn’t believe it, however, he eventually shrugged it off, he would wait for whatever it was; if it was something, to show itself to him.

The bar was almost empty except a few guys and a couple of ladies standing at the bar, which suited him fine, the quieter the place the better.

He moved to the bar and propped himself up and waved to gain the bartenders attention and then ordered a beer. The man smiled and brought the beer to him and as he left, he could have sworn the bartender winked at him.

He watched as the man moved back down the bar to serve a rowdy couple of ladies. He found himself smiling but then felt incredibly guilty for it.

Was it bad that he liked it? Why should he be feeling guilty?  He wasn’t cheating, right?  Still, the guilty feeling flared at the last thought and he took a long swig of the beer and then glanced around the room, when he turned back he found a young lady sitting beside him; smiling.

“Hey, I’m Kate.”

“Dean.” He replied, smiling back at her.

“We’ve just come into town, we’re on our way to a wedding south of here, do you live around here?”

Dean shook his head, “No just passing through.” He replied.

Kate fluttered her eyelashes and he felt like laughing, did some girls really do that?  He masked his smile and stemmed his laughter by taking a long draw off the beer as she continued to talk.

He turned back to her as she leaned closer, flashing her cleavage and she giggled when she noticed him glancing down at it. “What do you say we go back to yours?” she asked, trying to add a husky voice which did nothing except making him feel the urge to roll his eyes.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He replied, trying to be polite but started to feel his skin crawl.

“Why not?” She asked, apparently pouting.

“Because, well I’m not really in the mood.”

“I’m sure I could help with that, “ she replied and he jumped as he felt her hand on his thigh just as she screeched and stood up.

He looked up and found her top soaked and he looked down at the glass on the ground.

“What the hell?” she accused as she pulled her top from her skin, trying to fan off the excess liquid, Dean didn’t know whether to laugh or help her.

“Maybe you’ve had enough to drink, “ Dean suggested as he leant down to pick up the glass.

“It moved on its own, I didn’t touch it! “ she turned around and ran off to the ladies toilets.

Dean shook his head and turned back to saddle himself on the stool once again, at least it got rid of her. He chuckled to himself as he finished his beer.

He decided to call it a night after an hour and 3 beers later and walked back the motel, the chill in the air was welcoming after sitting in a hot room.

When he got back to the motel, Sam was snoring softly with his laptop resting on the bed beside him, and he moved it out of the way and then turned the tv on low, he cursed under his breath as he recognized the scene of the movie that was showing, the one where Patrick Swayze's character was teaching ‘baby’  the lift in the water. He was about to turn the TV off when the tap in the bathroom turned on and then turned off. He pulled his dagger out from his belt and moved swiftly across the floor and into the bathroom, he pulled the shower curtain back expecting to find something there, but there wasn’t anything, he moved to the window and found it tightly shut.

Okay, he didn’t imagine that. He moved back to the main room and tossed his bag on to the bed and rummaged through it to find his EMF then moved back to the bathroom and turned it on, except the damn thing wouldn't turn on.  He opened the back to check the batteries and found them missing. “What the hell?” he whispered to himself. He glanced around the bathroom again.

He would have to have a word with Sam in the morning about taking the batteries, if he needed some for whatever the hell he needed them for, then he should god damn buy some.  He searched his bags for a spare pack but apparently, they were all out of them.

He looked up at the TV and the time at the cabin flashed back through his mind, he smiled. It was a good weekend.

He threw the EMF meter back into his bag and shifted the bag to the floor and toed off his shoes and pulled off his shirt, and sat back on his bed to watch the remainder of the movie.  His stomach and heartfelt heavy, something trying to surface but he ignored it for the most part until he fell to sleep.

He didn’t dream through the night and when he woke up to Sam banging the motel door, he felt more refreshed than he had in a while and blinked his eyes open.

“Morning.” Sam cheerily greeted him as he offered him a coffee and a brown paper bag. Dean groaned and looked at the clock, it was just past seven and he pushed himself into a sitting position and took the offered items.

“Morning.” He grumbled. He opened the brown paper bag and found a bacon and egg toasted sandwich inside.

“Thanks.” He smiled tiredly and took one half out and bit into it.

Sam picked up his laptop and moved to the kitchen table and set it up.

“So, last night I think I found something in Colorado, a man was found dead in his home, it sounds like Vampires feasted on him.  A couple reported a man injured on the road and when the emergency services got there, they were missing. “

Dean threw on his shirt and moved over to lean over Sam to look over the article.

“Okay, Get on the blower to Eileen and tell her to wait here for us, the rooms paid for another three days and then we can tell her where to meet us after that.” Dean moved over to his bag and unzipped it then quickly moved around the room to collect everything.

Sam left the motel with his mobile in his hand, Dean felt the excitement begin to build, this is what he needs,  to kick bloodsucking freaks asses. “ He zipped up his bag and slung it over one shoulder and picked up his keys and moved out to the Impala and chucked it into the back seat.

“She’s going to meet us there,” Sam shouted over as he moved back to the motel to retrieve his own bag.

Dean moved back into the motel and stepped into the bathroom to relieve himself and freshen up, they were going to be on the road for a while, they’ll grab a motel when they were closer and take a shower and change. He just wanted to be back on the road, doing something.  He looked up into the mirror as he started to brush his teeth and for a moment he thought he saw someone, or something standing in the corner of the room. He turned around to double check but nothing was there. He continued to brush his teeth as he watched the corner and then quickly rinsed his mouth out and left the motel, locking the door behind him.

“Hey Sam, have you noticed anything strange happened when you’ve been in that motel?”

Sam stood looking over the top of the car at him and shook his head, looking puzzled,  “No, why?”

“ I don’t know, I just… it doesn’t matter, probably  nothing.” He opened his door and slid into the seat, then waited for Sam to slide in and started the engine, wasting little time pulling out of the parking lot.

 

Three hours into the drive they pulled into a gas station and filled the car and picked up some food at the same time, they had 4 hours before they would reach Colorado. The sun was beating down and as much as Dean loved his baby, she got a little hot during the summer.  He got the key from the Gas attendant and went to the toilets and washed his face.  He paused as he leant down to throw more water on to his face he could have sworn that he heard movement behind him, he glanced as subtle as he could to the side of his cupped hands but no one was there.

He definitely needed to get batteries for the EMF. He stood back up and looked in the mirror, no one was there and so he turned the tap off, pulled a paper towel from the dispenser and left the toilets.

He took the key back to the station and picked up a handful of battery packs, paid and left the station and moved to the back of the Impala to retrieve his bag.

Sam looked over puzzled. “What’s up? “ He asked as he moved over to Dean.

“When you need batteries, Sam, you can’t take the batteries in this bag or from the EMF meters.”

“I didn’t,” Sam answered defensively.

“Well if you didn’t, who did?” Dean asked as he continued to search the bag, the meter should have been there, but it wasn’t.

“Have you taken the EMF meter out Sam?”

“Why would I take it?”

“It’s gone. It must have fallen out of the bag at the motel. Son of a bitch!” Dean felt annoyed, what the hell was going on? First, the batteries go missing and now the god damn EMF meter disappears.

“What’s going on Dean?” Sam asked him, concerned.

“Nothing,  I just thought I heard something and wanted to check it out, in case we have a ghost following us.” Dean knew how it sounded, he sounded pretty crazy, but something was following them, or at least him.

Sam didn’t say anything for a moment, but then moved to the back passenger seat and pulled out his own bag, and began searching it, “That’s weird, mine isn’t here either.”

He stopped what he was doing and looked over to Sam, “see, I knew something was going on. “ he moved closer to Sam, “do you think that something is playing with us? I mean why else would it take our EMF meters?”

Sam shrugged, I don’t know, maybe we left them at the motel,  I haven’t noticed anything weird going on, except the for the meters not being here.

Dean stared at him for a moment. “I’m sure there’s something following me, I just don’t know what.”

“Well, we can check it out more when we get to Colorado,” Sam suggested.

Dean sighed, nodded and then picked up his bag and slung it back into the backseat and then slid back into the driver's seat.  

Once Sam was seated and strapped in, he slammed his foot on the gas and the car lurched forward, spinning its wheels as Dean moved back onto the road.

 

 


	40. Chapter 40

** November 2006 **

Dean saw his life passing before his eyes as his hands grasped weakly at the hands that were wrapped tightly around his throat, pressure building in his head that made it feel like it was going to pop from it.  Of all the ways he thought he might die, this wasn’t exactly how he pictured it, stuck between a wall and a witch’s crazily incredible strength. It should have been an easy job, stop the witch from killing a family that he swore vengeance upon and move on to the next hunt.

Sam and Eileen had offered to join him but he told them to follow the lead that Eileen had found concerning the banshee, and so he went about it on his own, and at first, it was easy enough. Track the witch, bind the witch and kill him but something went wrong, one moment the witch was bound to the chair the next Dean was being thrown across the room like he weighed nothing.

His vision faded in and out and white dots began to enter into it, this was it. Well, maybe it was time, his life wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t even worth the fight to keep living, and maybe this was the best way to go out. Dean slowly dropped his hands away from the witches grip and let his body go limp.

He wondered if he would see his parents in heaven, maybe even Castiel. At the last name, he felt surer that he wanted to leave, to be able to see Cas again would be a heaven upon itself, Sam would be fine on his own, he had Eileen.

Just as his vision turned to blackness he felt a force hit, and the hands were suddenly gone from his throat, he felt the side of his head hit something soft; something that felt like marshmallow, and then it went dark.

 

 He was dreaming; he knew he was. He could hear Cas’s voice calling him, or maybe it was Cas calling him to heaven? He didn’t care; he tried to turn towards the voice, but couldn’t find where it was. The voice became more desperate, more urgent and he tried hard to follow it but then the voice faded and he opened his eyes. He could see the witch laying not far away, a knife through his chest, eyes opened wide.

Where was Cas? He was sure he heard him, he sounded real; like he was next to him. Dean slowly sat up and rubbed his throat and hissed as he felt the soreness of his skin, he tried to cough but his throat hurt from slowly being crushed.

He scooted slowly back until his rested against the wall and looked over at the lifeless body of the witch. What happened? Who killed him? His eyes felt heavy and his breathing was a little wheezy, he slowly closed his eyes and let the exhaustion take him under.

-

He stirred again as his phone blared out a tune to indicate someone was calling his mobile. He coughed and winced as the pain in his throat felt like fire and sandpaper, he carefully pulled his mobile out of his pocket and looked at the ID.

It was Sam, so he answered it and tried to say hello, but only a raspy noise came out.

“Are you okay?” Sam asked on the other end.

“Yea-“ Dean tried to force his voice box to work, but it was too painful.

“You don’t sound fine to me Dean, We’re coming back. Where are you?”

Dean shook his head, trying hard to use his voice. “

“don, M fine. “ he needed water, he glanced over at the witch and then around the room and then to the floor near him, Dean stopped as he stared at a bottle of water that was beside his legs.

Sam was speaking but Dean wasn’t paying attention, he picked up the bottle, it was cold like it had just been placed there, he leaned forward a little and glanced around the room, the phone call with Sam completely forgotten.

He turned the lid of the bottle and once open, took a large mouthful of the liquid, and found himself spluttering when the liquid reached the back of his throat and stung.

He put his mobile in his pocket and got to his feet; swaying a little. He stepped out of the room and glanced around the rooms and found it empty. Who put the water beside him? He listened carefully and could hear someone calling his name and suddenly realised it was Sam still on the phone.

“Dean!” Sam shouted into the phone.

Dean pulled it back out of his pocket and put it to his ear.

“I’m fin-… witch is dead.” He croaked out wincing at the pain again.

“We are coming back. Meet us at the motel.” Sam replied, his tone leaving absolutely no room for him to say no.

“Fine.” He said and then hung up the phone.

He crept around the house making sure that there definitely wasn’t anyone else there and then left the house and slid back into the Impala and for a moment just sat there, looking outside of his front window.

Something happened and he wanted to know what it was.  As the weeks went on, more and more strange things were happening and he couldn’t get to the bottom of it, he researched until his vision blurred, he even tried an Ouija board, but he was no closer to finding out what was following him.

He started the engine and got back to the motel and then walked straight into the bathroom and looked at his throat in the mirror, it was raw, bruised and very angry with the outlines of a pair of hands still wrapped around it. He could feel the phantom pain of his hands and he bent low to the sink and attempted to splash water over his skin.

It was possibly the worst injury he had gotten with the amount of pain and damage that appeared to have occurred. He left the bathroom and went into the kitchen to find a frozen steak or ice cubes, anything that he could place over his throat and calm it before Sam got back. He didn’t want his brother fussing over him.

He found some frozen vegetables packed in the back of the freezer and pulled them out, he found a thin cloth to wrap around them and then laid down on his bed and put the bag over the sorest part of his throat.  He drifted to sleep again and woke up again when the front door opened and he heard two pairs of feet enter the room. He opened his eyes and smiled up at his brother, who had taken the few strides to reach him.

“Woah, that looks terrible.” Sam exclaimed, looking concerned.”How does it feel?”

Dean opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a high pitch wheeze and then a lot of pain. He winced and shook his head.

Sam walked to the table and picked up a pen and a book and moved back over and handed it to him so he could write down what he wanted to say. He smiled appreciatively as he took the offered pen and paper and carefully sat up and began to write.

_**The witch was stronger than I thought he would be. He left his marks as you can see. I think he damaged my windpipe and vocal cords. I thought I was a gonna.** _

He handed the book back to Sam who had sat down beside his feet and Sam read it quickly and looked back up, “How did you kill him?” Dean shook his head and took the book back from Sam.

_**That’s the thing, I didn’t. I was good as dead.  As it went black, I felt a force hit the witch and when I woke up, he was dead, knife through the chest.** _

He handed the book back, and watched as Sam read it, his eyebrows rising a little more as he read through it, Dean giggled before he could stop it and felt the sting in his throat.  If Sams brows rose anymore, they would be floating in mid-air, Sam looked up at him, knitted his eyebrows together and then handed the book back.

“So, you didn’t find anyone else there, maybe it was another hunter?” Sam suggested.

Dean picked up the pen again.

_**Maybe, I don’t know. They left me a bottle of water but didn’t stick around whoever they were.** _

 

Sam read what Dean wrote as he was writing it and laughed. “Maybe you have a masked hero to thank.”

Dean rolled his eyes but smiled.

Sam moved closer and reached out to look at Dean’s throat, Dean lifted his chin so Sam could take a better look.

Sam hissed, “dude it looks really bad, you’re going to need to get checked out at the hospital.”

Dean pulled himself away and shook his head carefully as to not irritate the muscles and bones too much.

He picked up the pen again and scrawled fast.

_**No hospitals! I will be fine. Just need to rest a little.** _

He thrust the book into Sam’s hand and he read it and sighed. “Fine, we will wait and see but if it doesn’t look any better tomorrow night, I’m dragging you to the hospital kicking and -… well kicking.”  

Dean gave him a “har har” very funny look and then turned to Eileen and smiled.

She stepped forward and leaned down so she was face to face with him, cupping his cheeks in her hands.  “You need to eat and then sleep.” She paused for a moment and then gave him a stern look. “And if you’re not any better tomorrow, I will help Sam tie you up and take you to the hospital.”

Dean scowled and then pouted.

He shrugged.  And wrote one word in all capitals….  _ **FINE!**_

Eileen looked at the book and then smiled. “Good.” She patted him on the head and then moved to the kitchen, after a few short moments Dean could hear pans clattering and then Sam being called into the kitchen.

He slid back down until he was on his back again and closed his eyes and drifted to sleep.

Dean woke again as the smell of something delicious wafted past him, whatever it was, it smelt heavenly.

Eileen came out of the kitchen with Sam just behind her; carrying a bowl and a bottle of beer.

Dean eyed the bowl suspiciously; hoping it wasn’t full of vegetables.

Eileen smiled and took out a bottle from her pocket and gestured for him to open his hand, he did as she wanted and stretched out his hand and found two painkillers being put into it and then she picked up the glass of water next to his bed and handed it to him.  He looked at the pills and hesitated, they looked too big for his sore throat to swallow, he could feel a phantom burning pain in the back of his throat.

Eileen looked at him and then at the pills, she disappeared back into the kitchen and then came back out with a knife and a board. She sat down beside him and took the pills and proceeded to cut them in half.

He looked at her and smiled, feeling his heart swell with warmth for her. She handed them back to him and he attempted to swallow the first half.  It hurt, not as much as he thought it would but it took him a little bit of time to swallow all four halves and then sam stepped forward and placed the bowl on his lap.

He looked down at it, there didn’t seem to be many vegetables, he assumed the orange chunks were diced carrots,  and the white diced lumps potatoes, but that was all he could see. He glanced at both of them and then picked up the spoon and tried a little bit.

He expected it to be hot and was bracing for pain but it was warm, enough that it didn’t hurt his throat and he realized how hungry he was, and it tasted as delicious as it smelt.

He looked up and nodded at them and smiled. Feeling a little ridiculous to not be able to verbally say anything. Ordinarily, e would be telling Sam to stop fussing over him, but if he was being honest, he’d admit that he didn’t feel quite as strong as he wanted to feel. He felt more vulnerable than he ever had before and a small part of him was disappointed that his life didn’t come to an end. It was kind of nice being taken care of and Eileen made him think of his mom, and how caring she was.. how she would bring him soup when he was sick. He looked at Sam, who was worrying his lip, lines creased his forehead. Dean raised his eyebrow at his brother, and Sam gave him a little smile.

“So, um, tomorrow, we’re thinking that we should just hang out here, the lead was a dead end, so we’re gonna keep looking .”  Sam cleared his throat a little and Dean could read the unspoken thoughts of his little brother, Sam clearly was worried, he obviously realized how close he was to dying and now he was going to try and keep him out of danger. He would have said something but, well, if it made his brother feel better, then so be it.  He smiled and nodded his agreement and tucked into the soup a little quicker than before; until his throat began to burn. He winced and pushed the bowl a little further away and held his hand out for the beer that Sam was still holding.

Sam looked down at the beer and then handed it to him. He twisted the cap and took a sip of the beer, testing how it would feel against the rawness of his throat, it didn’t hurt much and the cold helped soothe a little.

Sam turned and moved back into the kitchen and then came back out with two more bowls and handed one to Eileen, he turned the TV on and then they both sat down on the foot of Dean’s bed and slowly began to eat.

Dean leaned back against his pillow and watched the news, he wondered if he would see anything to do with the witch being found dead, but nothing was mentioned. He guessed that no one had found his body. He probably should have burned the witches body or something but he wasn’t exactly in any shape to drag his body out and then make a fire.

His mind wandered back to the house, so when he heard Castiel's voice, was he hallucinating? Dreaming, or was he close to crossing over to heaven? He had no idea what you’d expect on the other side. The last time, he was dragged screaming down to hell, he didn’t exactly pay much attention to what happened between living and being pulled from your body.

He shuddered at the memory and gagged, he tried to shove it away, far away and decided to think about Sam and Eileen, and how happy he felt for them.  Sam deserved to be happy, and he saw how Eileen brought out something in Sam that he hadn’t seen much of before; true happiness and contentment.  He felt a little choked up about it and quickly wiped his eyes before either of them noticed and turned his attention back to the television.

The only downside of seeing Sam and Eileen together was that he missed Castiel more, wishing he was there, that he could share that same happiness with them.  He wouldn’t ever feel that again.

He felt drowsy, the meds were taking effect and so he let himself be taken down into unconsciousness.

He woke in the morning and his throat felt a little better, he could swallow with limited pain and could even say “morning” when he saw Eileen looking over towards him from where she was sitting at the kitchen table.

He wondered if she had gotten any sleep but as he tried to ask her, he found that his voice box was still far too bruised and picked up the book from the side cupboard and quickly wrote his question down and then got out of bed and moved to sit beside her.

She read the book and then she gestured for him to hand her the pen and she wrote her reply beneath his.

_**I wake up at 5 every morning.  Coffee?** _

She handed him the book and he read it and shook his head before he quickly wrote his own reply.

 ** _I’ll make them._** He smiled and then moved over to the kitchen and turned the kettle on and picked up two mugs from the drainer and placed them on the counter.

He sat back down and looked at the screen of the laptop,  Eileen was searching old newspaper articles, obviously ones she had already read before but maybe she thought she missed something?

He heard the switch of the kettle click and he went back into the kitchen and poured the water into the mugs and stirred, then moved back to the table, being careful to place Eileen's coffee where it wouldn't accidentally spill and then picked up the book again and began to write.

_**Are you looking for something specific?** _

He slid the book towards her and she picked it up and read it and then picked up the pen to reply

_**Not really, I’m making sure I haven’t missed anything, yesterday was a bust, the guy died from self-inflicted injuries due to stopping his medication. No signs that it was her.** _

She handed back the book and smiled.

He smiled back and then picked up the pen again and started to write.

_**Sam really likes you** _

He handed her the book and her smile widened and she started to write back

_**I like him a lot too.** _

He read it as she wrote it and then took the book back and began to write.

_**Sam hasn’t had an easy life, I guess like you haven’t, but he feels responsible for a lot of things that weren’t his fault, he has felt abandoned by the ones who loved him….** _

 He gave her the book back and as she read it, he watched her expression soften and she looked up and gave him a smile that told him everything he needed to know, but she then wrote her reply and handed it back to him.

_**You’re worried that I might abandon him?** _

_**I won’t.  Your brother is one of a kind, and we understand each other more than anyone else has, at least for me I feel that way. I care about your brother and I am finding myself falling for him.** _

She handed the book back, a little hesitantly and he read it and felt relieved. He smiled and put the book down and picked up his coffee. Eileen picked up hers and they sipped their coffee in the silence.

It was nice, sitting mutually quiet, not needing to say anything. He really liked Eileen, he wasn’t sure who’d be more crushed if she left, him or Sam.  There was a peace of mind there for him, knowing that someone cared enough to have Sam’s back as much as he did, that if something was to happen to him, that he knew Sam would be taken care of.

He was brought out of his content relaxed state when Eileen jumped and she was staring at the screen.

He looked at her curiously and this time she spoke in a whisper. “I don’t know what happened but the computer opened up a page, I think I have a lead.” She looked over at him excited and looked towards the bed where Sam was still sleeping and then to Dean.

Dean read her mind and shook his head frantically. He held up his hand and then stood up and moved over to Sam before she could follow through with her idea of going on her own.

Dean shook Sam awake and then whispered as much as he could without it hurting too much. “Sam, Eileen has another lead.” He moved back and coughed a little and felt the pain shoot through his throat. Sam sat up and looked over to Eileen, “You found something?”

She nodded excitedly and picked up the laptop and brought it over to show Sam.

Sam read through the article and he smiled. “Got her.” He said and then gave Eileen the laptop back and pushed himself out of bed and into the bathroom.

How did Sam do it? Go from sleep to up and moving before having a coffee?

 He moved behind Eileen and began reading the article, it looked promising and he wanted to go with them, he started getting dressed and Eileen tapped his shoulder hard and he turned scowling at her; rubbing at the spot she had poked.

She sternly looked at him and shook her head.

He scowled back and nodded.

She suddenly turned and called out to Sam and he groaned.

“What’s up?” Sam came out with his toothbrush in his hand.

“Tell him he can not come.” She said pointing her finger at Dean.

Dean sighed and threw his hands in the air in resignation, knowing that Sam would side with Eileen, and honestly, he knew he wouldn’t be much help, but this sucked. He was already feeling suffocated in the motel room and it had only been around 17 hours.

He toed off his shoes again and flung himself on to the bed and crossed his arms. Yes, he looked like a child sulking but he didn’t care.

Sam laughed at his reaction and Dean scowled at him before Sam disappeared back into the bathroom. 

He picked up his mobile and began tapping a message to Sam.

 **Dean:**  Dude, what the fuck do I do in this motel all day?

He knew that Sam wouldn’t read it until he was out of the bathroom but it helped him vent his frustration.

Sam took his time but when he got back out of the bathroom and moved to his bed to collect his things, he noticed the message and Dean watched as he read it.

Sam laughed and began tapping a reply back.

 **Sam:**  Well, I guess you now know what it’s like when you’re put strictly on bed rest. It’s not much fun, is it?

Dean read the message and at first, he was confused but then realized he was referring to when he was in the hospital and when he got out, Dean had made him stay in bed on doctors orders, which was the difference. He pouted and put his mobile down.

Sam smiled at him and then turned to Eileen. “Shall we go?”

Eileen nodded and waved bye to Dean, he managed a small wave and then moved to turn on the television.

This sucked.

 

 

 


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Attempted suicide in the last part of this chapter after it says "April 2007" <3

Dean was frustrated and annoyed, it was three weeks since the damn witch incident and his throat was still sore, he managed to avoid going to the hospital by the grace of Eileen and Sam being occupied with the Banshee, but it was beginning to get in the way of his ability to hunt.

Sure he could do the grunt work well enough, but he couldn’t speak to the police or ask questions around the town. He was essentially mute, he could get out maybe one, two words every now and then but it was still sore, and he tried to rest his voice box as much as possible.

What didn’t help his current mood was the constant stream of strange occurrences that only he seemed to notice. Sam was way past believing him, he may as well go ahead and roll his eyes, he could hear it in his tone, in his body language.  They exhausted every test, everything they’d learn to track this –whatever-it-was monster and all they came up with was wasted time and awkward silences.

Whatever it was, it was good at hiding its tracks and Dean was on the edge of going crazy.

That was the reason why he was now sitting in the home of Pamela Barnes, a psychic. He watched as she set up a table. Bobby had texted him and told him he had spoken to her and she was waiting for him to visit.

He sat looking around her room, it was warm and cosy, a fire was going in the fireplace and soft music playing. He held his book and pen tightly in his hands and began to bounce his knee until she turned and gestured for him to join her at the table.

 

‘Bobby explained what happened to your voice, so I don’t need you to try and speak. You’re trying to find out what saved you that day and what is following you?”

Dean nodded.

“Okay.” She smiled and leaned forward, reaching out with her palm, “May I touch your neck?”

Dean looked at her palm and then nodded.

She placed her hand softly on the side of his neck and then held her other hand on the table, “Take my other hand.” He laid his hand on top of hers and watched her close her eyes and so he does the same.

“I invoke, conjure, and command you, appear unto me before this circle.” Pamela began to chant repeatedly.

Dean peaked through his eyelashes and looked around the room; unsure what he was meant to expect until Pamela squeezed his hand and he closed his eye again.

Dean found himself relaxing, her voice was soothing, and then suddenly he sharply was pulled back at the name he could have sworn she said.

“Castiel?” she enquired. Dean felt his heart pick up speed.

He opened his eyes and looked around the room,  

 Where? He thought, he squeezed her hand, hoping she would open her eyes and look at him so he could somehow ask her, but she seemed to have understood what he was asking.

“He’s drifting between here and the veil,” Pamela replied to his unspoken question and Dean swallowed hard.

He felt tears begin the slow descent on his cheek and he couldn’t think straight.  He tried asking her if he was the one who had killed the witch, and taken his EMF meter? Hoping it wasn’t a fluke, hoping that she could actually hear him.

“Yes, he said he didn’t want you to know he was with you, he wants you to move on. “ Pamela continued.

Dean licked his lips nervously, wanting so much to say something, wishing his throat wasn’t injured.  

“You have a leather band that belongs to him, he’s tethered to it.”

Dean looked down at his wrist, at the silver wings.

“He wants you to burn it, so you can move on.” She added.

“No!” Dean blurted out without a second thought. “I’m not burning it.” His throat stung, hot and angry.

“He wants you to let him go.”

“I am not burning it.” Dean coughed and his voice sounded raspy, he pulled his hand away from hers and pushed back in his seat; breaking the circle.

Pamela opened her eyes and looked up at him.  Her expression was soft.

“Dean, he’s right.”

Dean looked at her angrily and shook his head.

“He’s tied to that band, he can’t leave because he doesn’t want to let go; doesn’t want to leave you, but you can burn it and he’ll be free.”

Dean shook his head more fervently, there was no way in hell he was going to burn the band, it meant too much to him.

“You know what will happen if you don’t.” she gently reminded him.

He shook his head again, yeah, ghosts became unhinged and vengeful but Cas wouldn’t, he wouldn’t believe it.

Pamela tried again to change his mind and he slammed his hand on the table and shouted “NO!” causing his throat to burn again. He looked at her apologetically, then left the house, not stopping to shut the door. He didn’t stop until he was standing beside the Impala, trying to calm his breathing, feeling overwhelmed, a mixture of anger and sadness, he turned towards the Impala and lashed out; kicking the car several times.

This wasn’t what he expected and now he knew who was there and what they wanted him to do, he wished he hadn’t found out.

He opened the car door and slid into it and sat staring out into the darkness of the street before he lashed out again, repeatedly hitting the steering wheel.

He was not going to burn it, he didn’t fucking care what could happen.

He started the engine and slammed his foot on the gas pedal and spun his wheels as he took off down the road.

He slowed down as he approached a bar and then pulled over. He needed a drink.

He wrote in his book and then ripped the paper out and folded it; tucking it into his pocket and then got out, he pushed the door open to the bar.

It was packed with people and he looked towards the stage and found it was karaoke night.  He navigated through the crowd that was standing in his path and made it to the bar. He waited for the bartender to reach him and he pulled out the piece of paper and pointed to his throat and shrugged and then flashed the paper at the bartender, the man nodded and moved away to get him the strongest drink they had and was back soon after.

Dean nodded at the man and then knocked the shot back and pushed it towards the bartender again and pointed to indicate “same again.”

The bartender brought up the bottle of tequila and poured another shot. Dean knocked that back and then pointed at the glass for the third time. The bartender stood and contemplated something for a moment and Dean gave him a hard glare which apparently did the trick. He watched as the third one was poured, and then the bartender moved away quickly, obviously not wanting to pour him a fourth.

He glared at the bartender and then picked up the shot glass and knocked it back; feeling relief as the cold liquid hit the back of his throat and calmed the burn.

He pulled out his pen and wrote “beer” on it and then waved to catch another bartender’s attention and then flashed the paper at her. She smiled.  
“What one?” she shouted over the music.  He wrote “any”, on the paper and showed her again and she moved away to get him a bottle.

When she handed it to him, he could feel the coldness and wished he could place it against his throat; it would help stop the inflammation, he took a long swig of it and then turned to watch a couple standing on the stage singing an old song, which may have been called “Ebony and Ivory” . He spent an hour at the bar, in that short amount of time he knocked back 2 more tequilas, a scotch on the rocks; which he sucked on the ice to help with his throat and another 2 bottles of beer.

By the time he left the bar he wasn’t seeing straight and definitely wasn’t thinking straight. He stepped towards the Impala and pulled out his keys and stood and stared at them, it probably wasn’t a good idea to drive, and he didn’t want to damage his car. He looked up and down the road for a few minutes; swaying and then turned to walk; albeit stagger in the direction of his motel room.

The revelation that it was Cas haunted him more than Cas actually haunting him. Why didn’t he want to show himself?  Did he not love him anymore? His thoughts began to slide into self-deprecation.  Of course, Cas didn’t show himself, he wanted Dean to burn the bracelet, he probably couldn’t’ stand being there and wanted to be let go.  

He felt angry, he felt overwhelming sadness and he couldn’t tell which one he felt more of.  He turned as he reached the entrance of the park and stepped over to a tree log and rested on it, he looked out into the shadow of the trees, nothing stirred around him.  The air was chilled and he could see his own breath in the cold.

He needed to do something, he wanted to kill something, needed that rush to be able to ignore everything he was feeling. He stood up and began to pace back and forth, his hands balled into fists.

“Why?” he shouted into the emptiness; ignoring the burn to his throat.

“Show your fucking self!” he shouted and looked up at the trees and turned around him, hoping he would see someone, but no one was there.

“Castiel. I swear to fucking god, you better fucking show yourself or I’m going to go back to my fucking car, find a god damn fucking cliff and drive off it! “Dean felt his chest constrict, his throat was raw, it burned but he didn’t fucking care. He needed to see him, he needed to hear him. He just needed him to be there.

Dean spun around and found no one there, he closed his eyes, feeling that need deep inside his chest, the one that wanted to scream out so loudly until it stopped hurting.

“Hello, Dean.”  The voice made him break down, tears spilt as he turned around to see Castiel standing there in front of him.

Dean didn’t say anything, everything came to the surface and he started to cry and he couldn’t stop it.

He fell to his knees; relief, sorrow, joy, pain, exhaustion, anger; it all just spilt out into one compressed emotion. Castiel moved forward and knelt down beside him.

He felt a cold hand on his cheek and he slowly glanced up into the translucent face of Castiel.  

Castiel’s smile was watery, and he couldn’t take his eyes off him. Castiel shook his head, “Dean, you can’t do this to yourself.” His voice was gentle, and Dean wanted to feel his touch properly,  warm and solid.

“Cas I can’t do this anymore.” He croaked out

Castiel shook his head, “You have to, You need to live your life.”

Dean shook his head, and more tears flowed down his cheek, “How?” he rasped out.

“You must.” Castiel replied; looking deeply into his eyes.

“Not without you, I can’t. I’ve tried and tried to do this without you, it doesn’t stop the pain in here.” Dean placed his hand on his chest.

“You need to stop hunting for the demons responsible, you need to let it all go. It will kill you.”  Castiel replied gently.

“I can’t.” Dean replied; his voice no more than a whisper.

“Yes, you can.” Cas replied once again.

He felt the cold hand move from his cheek and he looked up to find Castiel gone.

He looked around himself, hoping Castiel was somewhere close by but he wasn’t.

A fresh wave of tears began to spill over and he stood up and looked at the sky, everything was so damn hard, it didn’t get any easier.  “Cas?” he whispered into the empty park but he didn’t show himself again.

Dean walked slowly through the park, wiping his eyes and feeling the sadness settle into his chest. There was no way he was going to burn anything, if he didn’t burn it then he would be able to see Cas again, he refused to let him go, no matter what.

 

********************************

Dean spent Christmas with Bobby, Ellen, Eileen and Sam, and was finally able to talk again. Castiel didn’t appear to him again and he found himself stuck, not able to move on, not able to think about anything other than Castiel. Sam and Eileen tried to cheer him up, they didn’t know why he was depressed, and he made Bobby promise to not tell Sam because he knew that his brother would try and talk him into burning the band.

He felt bad for how he was acting, he tried to hide it but Sam knew him far too well and was able to see through his masquerade.

He was becoming reckless with the hunt, he didn’t care anymore if he lived or died, and he hunted alone more often than not.

Life was meaningless.

He tried to call Castiel to show himself, he shouted until his voice went hoarse, he tried summoning him but to no avail.

Cas was ignoring him and that hurt him more than he would admit.

By February Dean was hunting on his own full time, he took advantage of having separate bedrooms now that Eileen was with them full time; she shared the bed with Sam, he had spent hours in his room waiting for the light to turn off in their room and then he left the motel room; after leaving a note on the kitchen table,  threw all his belongings into the Impala and took off.

He spent most of his day trying to find something to kill and his nights drinking inside his motel room.

He was drinking heavily, to the point that he blacked out most nights and then woke up with a huge hangover.

He stared for hours at the leather band, thumbing the wings, and wishing that he would look up and see Cas standing in front of him and the pain in his chest was a constant companion, it was worse than when he struggled with his mothers death, it was worse than when he believed he was the reason she was dead. It was a permanent fixture of aching.

 

** April 2007 **

Dean stood with the last letter in his hand, he folded it carefully and then sealed the envelope. He wrote Bobby’s address on the front of it and moved to place it with the other one.

He put his bag inside the Impala and then took a walk down to the mailbox.

He paused for a moment as he looked around him, then turned back to the motel room.

He was tired, he was done with life, there was nothing left for him, and he felt washed out.  He locked the door behind him and moved to his bed and sat down. He picked up the unopened pack of antidepressants that he obtained earlier in the week and began popping the blister packs; emptying the pills onto the blanket.

Once he finished he looked down at the 28 tablets and then picked up the pack he had gotten the month before and popped them out.

Once all 56 pills were out of the packets, he picked up his bottle of beer. He stared at them for a moment, was this really what he wanted to do?

Nothing mattered anymore, he didn’t even matter, he was nothing, he couldn’t even focus on hunting any longer. He put as many of the tablets as he could fit into his hand and just as he brought his hand to his mouth, his hand was forced away, the pills flying through the air and hitting the floor, he turned and found Castiel standing beside him, looking angrily at him.

“What the fuck Dean?” Castiel shouted, and then struck him. Dean fell off the side of the bed, he pushed himself up and against the wall as Castiel flickered and was suddenly in front of him, pulling him up on to his feet.

“After everything that I’ve done for you!” Castiel pushed Dean across the room and was on him again.

“I didn’t die so you could lock yourself in here and kill yourself!” Castiel backhanded him and Dean fell backwards; stunned by this burst of anger.

Castiel flickered and his face was in front of his, his eyes burning with an anger Dean had never seen before. “And what about Sam, Bobby and Ellen? What have they done to deserve this!” Castiel gestured to the pills on the floor and the remnants of the ones on the blanket.

Dean recovered slowly, and shame was washing over him. He didn’t know what to say, so he just stared into Castiel's eyes.

Castiel's eyes slowly lost the angry spark, he sighed and moved across the room to the chair and sat down; refusing to look back at Dean.

Dean regained his composure and moved slowly around to the foot of his bed and sat down.

“Cas, I’m sorry. “ He said quietly,

Castiel glanced over at him and then looked away again.

“I hoped that if I went away that you would move on.” Castiel finally broke the silence and turned to face Dean.

“I thought that you would think that I was in heaven and not able to speak to you.” He sighed. “I was wrong, I forgot how you Winchesters are when you have something in your head.”

Castiel flickered several times. He looked back to Dean. “I am not sure how long I can stay, it takes a lot to show myself, it depletes me and then I black out until I gain strength again.  If I disappear, Dean I beg you, don’t do anything stupid.”

Castiel looked into his eyes pleadingly. 

Dean nodded, he felt the tears, it was painful to see Castiel as a spirit, it was proof that he was dead, but it was more painful not being able to talk to him. 

He didn’t know what to say, what he wanted,  what he needed wasn’t possible. So he sat there and watched Castiel flicker again. “Cas, I love you.” It was all he could say, Castiel looked at him again and smiled. “I love you too.” And then he disappeared. Dean stared at the spot where Castiel had been sitting, hoping he would be back, but after an hour of waiting and no sign of him. He knew he wouldn’t be back; not until he had a chance to strengthen again.

Dean laid back and stared at the ceiling, completely and utterly exhausted. He closed his eyes and quickly fell to sleep.  

 

 

 

 

 


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're coming close to the end of the fic now, although there's still at around 7 chapters to do, maybe 8, but the worst is almost over! :)<3

** July 2007 **

Dean moaned out as he felt the cool air gently slide down his body, and he twitched in anticipation; waiting to feel the cold tongue tip to reach the head of his cock. He lifted his head from the pillow and watched as Castiel slid down his body, his eyes fixed on Dean as he slowly took him apart.

“Please” Dean whispered, blowing out in frustration, watching his breath turn to mist in front of him.

“I need you.” He begged.

Castiel smiled knowingly and then released his gaze and lowered his head, his body tightened as he felt his mouth wrap around him.

Dean groaned loudly as he felt his release and then reality around him came back into focus. He leaned against the shower wall, the cold water washing away the mess of cum that spilt over his hand and on to the wall, he remained leaning against it until he recovered and then blinked the water away, leaned forward and turned on the hot tap and started washing himself off.

He was going insane; this was the proof.  He couldn’t get it out of his mind, he was like a pre-pubescent teen again, and it was so totally wrong to be turned on by a ghost. When did it become such a kink for him?

 Oh yeah, when Castiel started visiting him every other day; when Cas caught him watching some low budget porn one evening and then asked him to keep it on and sat beside him watching it.

He had woken up clammy and hard as hell the next morning; after a very hot; or more correctly; cold wet dream with his ghost boyfriend fucking him into oblivion.

He rinsed off and turned the taps and grabbed a towel to dry himself off, and then wrapped it around his waist and left the bathroom.

He promised to call both Bobby and Sam to check in after they received the letters; which he now felt very embarrassed about, they made him promise to check in once a week or one of them would track his phone and then come for a visit.

He felt like he was out on parole and the two of them were his parole officers; but he understood why, if he had received a similar letter from Sam, he would probably be more protective and never let Sam out of his sight.

He kept it a secret about Cas, he had no plans to tell either of them because he knew what they’d say and then they’d be on his case constantly about burning the band because “Cas would become vengeful, blah blah blah.”

He was being careful, he was watching for signs of it and Cas wasn’t showing any.

He picked up his mobile and shot off two quick text messages to them, letting them know he was still alive and that he would check back in with them next week if not before and then tossed his phone onto the bed.

He turned around to turn the TV on and jumped out of his skin when he found Cas standing in front of it, Dean looked down and watched as his hand was inside Castiel. He wiggled his fingers and looked up to Castiel. ‘Hey, at least ya can’t say I haven’t been inside you lately.” Dean laughed.

 Castiel rolled his eyes, “You know, that feels uncomfortable.” He stated in a bored tone.

Dean pulled his hand back, “Hey, you’re the one who just popped in without a sound; I was turning the TV on.”

“Well, I can go if you want?” Castiel retorted and made a show of turning to leave.

“Hey, don’t you dare.” Dean scalded and Castiel turned back grinning.

Castiel was watching as Dean started dressing, and as he threw on his shirt, Castiel walked through the bed and stood in front of him. He stopped what he was doing and looked up.

“What were you thinking about in the shower?” Castiel asked bluntly.

Dean coughed and found his cheeks heating up, “uh, when?”  He asked, trying to feign ignorance.

“Just now,” Castiel replied; tilting his head and assessing Dean’s reaction.

“I- I was – You shouldn’t spy on me Cas.” Dean accused, hoping it would change the direction of the conversation.

“I wasn’t spying… at first. I was in here, I heard you moaning, I put my head in and you were pleasuring yourself. “Castiel moved a little closer.  “You know, I’ve been practising with moving and touching things with more ease.” He stepped a little closer again.  Dean held his breath and looked off to the side a little, not wanting to give away how turned on he was feeling, how fast his heart was beginning to race.

He cleared his throat, “Yeah? How’s that going?”  He asked curiously and then inhaled sharply.

“You tell me,” Castiel replied with a smirk.

Dean felt a firm grip on his cock and it wasn’t anything like he expected, he thought it would be more… more what? Colder maybe? More like air touching him? He didn’t know but this felt like someone physically there touching him and he gulped, feeling himself swell in Castiel’s translucent hand.

“So who were you thinking about in the shower, Dean? “ Castiel asked his voice low.

Dean tried to take in the air, it had been so damn long since someone except himself had touched him, seven years to be exact. “You.” He breathed out in a weak voice. “I was thinking of you.”

Castiel looked down at Deans' mouth and then back up to his eyes, Dean caught a flicker of sadness behind Castiel’s eyes before it was gone and Dean couldn’t seem to formulate the reason why it was there; not while a hand was gliding so steady up and down his cock. He licked his lower lip. He wanted to kiss him, but he didn’t know if he could, if he would be just kissing the air.

Castiel moved slowly closer, his lips just a breath away from him and he held his own breath, his heart was racing, he wanted to dip in and kiss him so damn much, there was a part of him that felt fear, a part that knew that if he tried and there was nothing there, it would hurt, it would remind him that Cas died in 2000, even though his spirit was with him, he was still dead.

He sighed and Castiel released him and stepped back. “What’s the matter? “ Castiel asked; looking concerned.

 Dean shook his head and turned around to pick up his bag and rummage around inside it to find his mobile charger.

“It’s nothing.” He said softly, he didn’t want to talk about this; not right now at least.

“Dean, if something is troubling you, you should talk about it.” Castiel encouraged.

“I said not now.” Dean snapped back and then regretted it.

“I’m sorry Cas, I just don’t want to talk about it right now. What I want to do is sit back and watch a movie with you.” He smiled and picked up the DVD he rented from the video store and moved to put the DVD into the player and then moved back to the bed, patting the empty side for Cas to join him.

This was one of his favourite things to do with Cas, to introduce him to films that he loved, educate him on the scenes and meanings of parts of the films, and his second favourite was sitting beside him listing to classic rock while he drove from one town to another during hunting. 

It was awesome when the monsters thought he was alone and suddenly the surprise on their faces when they flew across the room.  Hunting spirits were different, Cas didn’t stay around for those because it affected him too much, seeing the spirits become vengeful, so he disappeared after a preliminary check of the places to confirm that there was some restless spirit there.

The first time he went on a spirited hunt with Cas, Castiel had left trying to convince him to burn his leather wristband, revealing his fears of becoming vengeful and then hurting him.  They got into an argument about it and it was rocky for a while, Cas retreated more into the veil and it took more than a week for Cas to visit again, and so they decided, he needed to stay out of those hunts.

Dean brought his focus back to the room and the TV and turned to Castiel and smiled. “This one is a good one. “ He grinned.

Castiel smiled at the opening scene. “Cowboys again?” he raised his eyebrow.

Dean nodded, “cowboys are awesome! This one is based in the late eighteen hundreds “

Castiel’s smile widened. “I’ve actually watched this one. A very long time ago. “

Dean was surprised to hear that, but he was also pleased. “And?”

Castiel looked at him confused.

“Did you like it?” He asked curiously.

“Yes, it was a good film.” Castiel nodded and turned to watch the TV.

Dean felt pride swell and turned back to watch too,

“I’m you’re huckleberry.” Castiel said suddenly, and Dean turned towards him, “I wish you had a hat on when you said that.” He grinned and felt that little nagging sadness in the pit of his stomach, the one that reminded him that Cas was never going to be more than a spectral energy.

He cleared his throat and turned back to the movie and settled down, and pushed the feeling down deep. He wanted to enjoy the time he got with Cas, not dwell on something that couldn’t be changed.

They spent the rest of the day and night watching films and talking in between. Dean didn’t sleep until Castiel had to leave so he could regain his strength and then he would sleep for the best part of the day and night, it suited him because on those downtimes he found himself becoming depressed, reality of the situation punching hard into his gut and face, it didn’t matter if Cas was with him, he was still dead and they’d never have a normal life together.

Over the next year Dean helped Cas channel his energy, so he could look more solid and touch things without much thought.  Dean continued to wake up from his dreams covered in sweat and a sticky mess, but it transitioned over time from the spectral kind to a more human kind.  Castiel hadn’t touched him again since that first time and Dean was craving his touch but he didn’t make a move to encourage it.

Instead they went to different bars, Cas invisible and  they created a new con circuit, Dean would act drunk and proposition impossible moves to sink the balls and the other bar-goers would jump on board, putting down a lot of money, thinking they were in on a sure win, but little did they know, that he had a ghost on his side, making sure those balls went exactly where they were meant to.

The reactions that followed would make Dean laugh so hard once they left the bar. He hadn’t felt like genuinely laughing in such a long time and it felt good to laugh.

Other nights they stayed in the motel room and Dean taught Castiel poker and other card games, talking about going to Las Vegas and playing the tables one day.

Most of the things they did were juvenile and silly but it felt good being able to feel so free away from the hunting; away from memories of the past.

Sam was worried, Dean made excuses to not see him, and for the first time in years, he declined the invitation to go to Bobby’s for Christmas and New Years.  He wrapped himself and his life around Castiel.  He knew it wasn’t the healthiest thing to do but he didn’t care. Who got these chances in life? To lose someone through death and have that second chance to see them again? He wanted to make the most of every second he had with Cas, he just wasn’t ready to share that with his family.

This was a good thing and they would sure as hell turn it into a terrible idea, fused with pain, heartache and violence. They wouldn’t understand that Cas wasn’t’ the typical spirit, after all, he was once an Angel; maybe ex-angel-turned-human spirits didn’t succumb to the unhinged murdering urges of vengeance? Besides, he didn’t think he’d live much longer if they took Cas from him, he couldn’t return to life without him, spirit or not. 

 

August 2008, things unexpectedly changed and it left Dean unable to function day to day, he folded in on himself and nothing anyone could do, could change it. Dean was lost.

It was August 15th, 2008, he and Cas were sitting on his bed playing a game of rummy when Cas disappeared. He didn’t flicker; which was the warning signs of him needing to rest. He was just there and then gone. His cards fell to the blanket.

Dean called out to him but he didn’t come back, Dean waited for over a week but Cas didn’t show again. 

Dean drove to Pamela's house and banged on her door until she answered and he barged through the threshold and turned around.  Pamela stood watching him, her eyebrow cocked.

“I need you to do that thing you did last time.” He blurted out and then began pacing back and forth.

“Woah, calm down.” Pamela tried to still him and he eventually stopped pacing and stared at her. “He disappeared a week ago and hasn’t come back. Something has to be wrong. Can you reach out to him?”

Pamela nodded, “if he’s in the veil I can.”

Dean exhaled and then nodded, “Do it.” He said, but quickly added, “please.”

Pamela nodded and prepared the table, while he began pacing again. Once she was done Dean moved quickly to the table and sat down.

“I will need to touch what belonged to him.”

Dean looked at the band and then back to Pamela, she nodded and he hesitated, “You promise to give it back after?” he asked concerned that she’d keep it and burn it.

“yes, I promise to give it back, I wouldn’t do anything you didn’t want.” She assured him.

He hesitantly reached down and unclasp the leather strap and handed it to her and she held it firmly in her hand and then reached out her other hand for him to hold.

“Okay, let’s begin.” She said with a smile.

“Castiel, I invoke, conjure, and command you, appear unto me before this circle..” Dean waited, holding his breath, eyes closed.

She repeated it several times but after the fifth time she stopped and Dean looked up into her eyes.

“He’s not in the veil.” She spoke softly.

“He has to be.” Dean said, “try again.” He ordered.

She shook her head, “It’s no use. He isn’t on the spiritual plane anymore.  I’m sorry.”

“No, that’s-that’s not possible.” He didn’t understand it, how could he be gone from the veil?

Pamela got up out of her chair and moved around to him and handed him the band back, “I’m sorry Dean, he’s moved on.”

Dean stood up, feeling overwhelmed. He pulled out a clip of money from his back pocket and put it on the table and then left the house, he got into the Impala and drove back to the motel.

After that, it was a slide into detachment.  Sam; who was worried finally tracked him down and came into the motel room to find Dean sitting on his bed, staring at nothing, Dean would go to the toilet when he needed, even ate food, drank a lot of beer but he wasn’t talking, wasn’t interested or registering what was happening around him.  Castiel left him, that’s all he thought.

Sometimes he would catch his name being said and he’d focus enough to hear Bobby suggest a hospital, or Ellen would come in with a cup of coffee and a sandwich for him to eat.  Eileen sat beside him most of the time, she held his hand or would cut his hair.

No one knew why Dean was the way he was, they all thought he was healing, when they spoke on the phone he was happy, even if he avoided visiting, or allowing them to visit. He just seemed in good spirits and then with no warning, he stopped checking in with them.  Sam tracked his mobile phone location but didn’t want to bust in on him,  just in case he had company and just forgot the time, it was when his location didn’t change for over two weeks and then his mobile died that the alarm bells rang and he spent the night driving. 

Sam and Bobby braced for the worse when they knocked on Deans motel door and no one answered. The Impala was there, and neither of them wanted to utter the words 'Suicide' or 'Dead'.

Bobby convinced the man behind the desk to give him the spare key to the room, Bobby unlocked the door and Sam hesitatingly turned the knob and pushed it open.  The first thing he did was smell the air and felt a small relief, he couldn’t have been a decaying corpse, although the air was ripe with body odour and beer. 

He glanced in and found his brother sitting on his bed, a bottle in his hand. He first noticed the long hair, unkempt beard. He in his whole life hadn’t seen Dean that far ungroomed. A little stubble here and there but never like he was now.

Bobby stepped in and stood beside Sam, his eyes falling on the leather wristband that Dean seemed to be subconsciously thumbing, but said nothing about it.

“Dean?” Sam spoke gently.

Dean turned his head slowly to look at his brother,  his eyes were glazed over and the sadness that haunted them almost broke Sam and he couldn’t find his voice.

Bobby cleared his throat, “Son, you’re coming back with us, Ellen is waiting.” He spoke gently, worrying about his surrogate son’s mental and physical safety.

Dean didn’t say a word, he stood up and walked out the front door.

Sam collected Dean’s belongings gathering the cards and put them back into their box, and then checked the bathroom for his toiletries while Bobby led Dean to the passenger seat of the Impala, and guided him into it.

Sam glanced around the motel room, he wished he knew what happened so he could help his brother, he sat on the edge of the bed and put his face in his hands and tried to stem his own emotions and shock at the state of his brother.

He didn’t know if Dean would come back from where ever he went this time. He looked up, took a deep breath and pushed off the bed and made his way out of the motel, and dropped the key back with an extra $500 for them to sort out the cleaning of the room.

He walked over to the Impala as Bobby slid into the driver's side and nodded to Bobby. “ I’ll follow you back… “ Bobby noticed Sam’s turmoil and he smiled gently. “He’ll be fine, We will help him.”

Sam had nodded and moved to his own car and started the drive back following the Impala.

Ellen and Eileen both went into action the moment they returned home, Sam had called and explained the state he found Dean.  

The moment the Impala came to a stop, Ellen swung the door open and pulled Dean out of his seat, pulling him into her arms and hugged him tightly. Dean leaned his chin against her shoulder but did nothing else. As Ellen pulled away, tears filled her eyes and she took his hand in hers and guided him into the house and up the stairs to the bathroom.

She ran her hands through his hair and then cupped his chin. “What’s going on?” she asked as Deans eyes turned towards her, but he didn’t say a word.

She sighed and picked up a cloth, turned on the taps and soaked it and leaned down to wash his face.

She gave him a once-over, “you’ll need to have a shower or a bath but for now, let’s get you back downstairs to have something to drink and eat, you don’t look like you’ve eaten much in weeks.”

She took his hand and pulled him gently up to his feet and he followed behind her back down the stairs and into the kitchen. Eileen was stirring a pot and a mug of coffee sat on the kitchen table for him.

Ellen thanked her and then took Dean around the corner of the table to a chair and helped him sit down.

It was hard to see Dean the way he was, she’d never seen him so despondent and she wanted to break the neck of whoever had done it to him. “ She took in his features one last time and turned to Eileen.

"Eileen can you sit with him while I go find Bobby and Sam?” she asked, Eileen nodded and sat down on a chair beside Dean and took his hand, squeezing it gently.

Ellen moved out to the courtyard and found Sam and Bobby talking in whispers, Sam looked distraught.

“What the hell happened to him?” she asked feeling angry,

Sam turned and looked at her, surprised she was there. He shrugged. “I don’t know, he hasn’t spoken to me in months, he’s been pretty cagey.”

Bobby cleared his throat. “I think I know.”  He shook his head, “but I thought it was just the one time.”

Both Ellen and Sam looked at him and he sighed. “I sent him to Pamela back when he thought something was haunting him.  Pamela reported back to me that it was Castiel.”

Sam drew in a sharp breath. “So Dean was right and it was Cas?”

Bobby nodded. “Cas wanted him to burn the leather band around his wrist, apparently he was connected to it… when I sent it to him, well he gained more than just Cas's belongings. “

“Why didn’t you say something?” Sam asked accusingly. 

“Well, Dean said that Cas didn’t show himself again so I thought that was it. If Cas wanted Dean to burn the damn thing, there was a good enough reason to think he wouldn’t  show himself. Dean asked me to not tell you because he didn’t want you to make him burn the wristband, it meant so much to him.”

Sams' face grew angry, his lips tight as he nodded his head but he said nothing.

“I think Cas might have been there with him, that’s why he didn’t’ want us to see him, or come here for Christmas,  but I don’t understand what could have happened for him to be the way he is now.” Bobby sighed and looked at Ellen, she shook her head and looked annoyed at him.

“Why the fuck didn’t you think I would need to know this Bobby?” Sam shouted out angrily. “He’s my brother, I should have been there for him!”  Sam closed his mouth and then stomped off amongst the wrecked cars.

Bobby turned to look at Ellen, “ I got this so wrong.”

Ellen nodded, “You should have told me, I should have known, I’m your wife.”

Bobby nodded, “I know.”

Ellen put her arm around him and kissed his cheek. “I also know you want whats best for the boys.”

Bobby smiled weakly, “I do, they’re my boys and I’ve gone and messed up.”

“Well, let’s go fix it, shall we?” she nodded towards the house and Bobby walked back beside her.

-

 

Dean spoke finally after Sam suggested to him that he would call Dr Marks, he looked up into his brother's eyes,  “He’s gone, Sammy.” He croaked out, his voice felt sore from disuse.

“Who’s gone?” Sams' eyes were watching him carefully, his arm on his shoulder.

“Cas.” Dean whispered. “he’s gone.”

Sam relaxed and  looked into his brother's eyes, “Dean, Cas has been gone for seven years.”

Dean shook his head. “No, he came back, we were happy and then… Then he was just… gone.”

“So it’s true? Cas was the one following you?” Sam asked gently.

Dean nodded slightly. “Yeah, and now he’s gone, not in the veil.”

“Dean, I’m just going to go and get Ellen, I’ll be back okay?”

Dean nodded and then watched as Sam hurriedly left the lounge room and then Ellen came rushing in; drying her hands on a tea towel.

“Hey, darling.” She said as she crouched down in front of him. “Welcome back.” Her smile was sweet, and Dean could see the tears filling in her eyes and he looked down, feeling shame. “I’m sorry for worrying you.” He said quietly.

Ellen was suddenly on him, her arms wrapped around him, holding him tightly. “Don’t apologise sweetheart. I’m glad you’re back.” He could hear her voice wobble and he lifted his arms and wrapped them around her.

He stayed there gripping Ellen close for a few minutes and then let her go so she could straighten up.

He felt tired and numb. He felt so detached from everything, but he had to make an effort for all of their sakes. He didn’t want to see a doctor or go to a hospital. He had to work through this somehow.

How do you work on something that you care so little about?  What was there to look forward to? What in the end was he living for?

 His family.  He had to live for them, he couldn’t hurt them any more than he had already, seeing the pain in Ellens' eyes made him feel so incredibly ashamed.

He stood up from the chair and excused himself to the bathroom and once he was inside the room he stepped over to the mirror.

He didn’t recognize himself, he looked more like a person on the street. He turned the taps on and put a plug into the sink and looked in the cabinet for a pair of scissors and shaving cream.

He turned off the taps and stared at himself one more time in the mirror and then began cutting large clumps of the hair.

Once he got it short enough to shave he covered the lower half of his face with shaving cream and slowly began to slide the razor against his skin, slowly taking off the extra hair.

Once he was done he glanced back in the mirror, it would do, he looked normal at least.

He rinsed off and patted his face dry and then relieved himself. When he went back downstairs, Bobby was waiting for him in the kitchen. It was awkward, to begin with, Bobby stood staring at him like he had seen a ghost, Dean winced at that thought but tried to ignore the pain deep in his soul as he stepped close to Bobby.

“Hi, Bobby.” He said in an almost whisper feeling embarrassed. Bobby threw himself at Dean, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him tightly. Dean placed his arms around Bobby and closed his eyes. He had hurt them too much, he couldn’t do that again.

Bobby pulled away but kept his hand on his shoulder. “ welcome back.” He said as he gave a watery smile.

“I’m okay.” He said; wondering if it was true, he wasn’t sure what he felt, but as they say ‘fake it until you make it’ and he was going to do just that.

 

 

 


	43. Chapter 43

Dean threw himself back into hunting, but this time he wasn’t allowed to hunt alone, no one had outright said it but he saw their expressions when they suggested going with him, or asking if he would go with one of them. After everything he had put them through, he just nodded and went along with them, if they needed him near them to know he wasn’t doing something stupid, then that’s what he would do to give them a peace of mind.

Was he doing okay though? No. Everything was a mess; nothing was the same and he just gritted his teeth and worked through another day.  He lost faith in everything, and he leaned on his brother far too much, without him, Bobby, Ellen, Jo and Eileen he probably would have fallen back into his stupor. It was easier to live in that world than it was to live in the active world around him. Easier to not feel, or have to worry about others, he drank heavily when no one noticed, he stashed a bottle or two of whiskey under floorboards, in the back of his trunk of the Impala, and at the top of the cupboard. 

He knew they smelt it on his breath but he tried to keep his drunken ass in line around them so it didn’t look like he was drunk. As far as they knew, he was just moderately drinking but remaining almost sober.

He was beginning to understand why his father drank, he didn’t feel so close to him as he did now, understanding a whole new perspective. Their father was in pain, and the alcohol was keeping him alive, even though the drinking was killing him, he kept himself present in the world day in and day out.

Dean sighed as he sat in the Impala, waiting for Sam to come out of Bobby’s. They had a case in Michigan, they had a three-day drive including breaks and he wasn’t looking forward to the drive.

His phone began to vibrate and he pulled it out of his jacket and looked at it, the private number was flashing on the screen and he thought about rejecting the call, but decided to answer.

“Yeah?” he asked irritated into the mouthpiece.

There was a silence for a  short time and Dean waited, wondering if it was one of those wrong numbers but then he heard his voice and his head spun; like everything had been knocked off its axis, he found his throat constricted, and his mouth felt dry and he could barely breathe.

“Dean, it’s me.” The voice spoke again and Dean tried to swallow, he looked at the house and then back in front of him.

“Is that really you?” he finally asked, swallowing again.

“Can you meet me?”

“Where?” Dean asked, wondering if this was some hallucination.

Dean looked at the house again and then started his ignition, he agreed and hung up the phone and took off before anyone left the house. He had at least 8 hours driving to go.

He didn’t stop driving, not even through the night until he pulled up near a farm.

He got out of his car as he kept his eyes on the barn, and then rushed towards it, jumping over the perimeter fence instead of wasting time finding the gate.

He stood in front of the barn doors and wet his lips, he straightened his clothes and looked up at the doors; stuck. He found himself not being able to enter the building. What if it wasn’t real?

What if it was all some elaborate creation in his mind and he’s driven all this way and no one was there?

He clenched and unclenched his fists, readying himself to step forward; he breathed in and breathed out trying to settle his stomach. He took one step forward and reached out to take hold of the handle and he stopped again. He could get back in the car and drive back, and then it wouldn’t hurt him. He moved his other foot forward and looked down at the cast iron handles, willing himself to pull it.

He felt the sweat beads on his forehead and he wiped them away with his other hand and then steadied himself, he pulled open the door and looked inside.

It was dark and he took one step over the threshold and then turned back to look at his car in the distance.

He was already in there, he might as well keep moving; he tried to convince himself. He stepped slowly further into the barn and then turned on his torch and flashed it around, he saw a table at the far end and a dark figure just out of reach of his torch.

He moved closer and kept his eyes on the figure, his heart racing, hands clammy and his mouth dry.

As his torch caught the man standing in front of him, he put his torch in his pocket and found himself moving forward at a quicker pace until he was right in front of the man.

He said nothing, he lurched forward and threw his arms around him.

“It’s you, you’re here. Oh god, Cas you’re really here.” He tucked his face into the side of Castiel’s neck and let out a sob. It had been too long since he hugged him, touched him and he pulled away before Castiel could say anything and kissed him desperately, holding on to him for dear life.

He eventually drew back for air and Castiel finally spoke. “Hello, Dean.”

Dean laughed and sobbed at the same time as he hugged him again.

“How?”He asked, keeping his eyes on him.

“Gabriel brought me back,” Castiel answered; smiling.

“Gabe? Where is he?” Dean asked, still unable to look away.

“He’s dealing with heaven, a lot of things happened up there and now he is the one in charge, he doesn’t like it but since he’s the only archangel left-“

“Wait! What happened to Raphael and Michael?” Dean asked, feeling his head spin.

“Dead.” Castiel beamed.

“How did Gabriel bring you back, if you’re back, why didn’t you just come to the house?” Dean asked, why did he have to drive so far out of the way?

Castiel smiled, “I don’t have a car.”

“Why would you need a car, you’re an angel, don’t you just flap your wings and they teleport you?” Dean asked, feeling like he was missing something.

“Dean, I’m human.”  Castiel answered quietly; and then continued, “When Gabriel brought me back, he had my grace with him, he gave it to me.” He pulled out a small vial and Dean stared at the blue glowing misty stuff floating inside it.  “He stole it back from Raphael when he killed him, but I didn’t want to make that decision, not without talking to you.” He said, nodding towards Dean.

Dean was confused, “me? Why? you’re an angel, why should you have to talk to me first?” Dean asked.

“I died human, I was resurrected as a human, at the moment, I have a human soul,  but  if I chose to accept my grace, I will become an angel again and my soul will fuse back with my grace and I’ll no longer have one.”

Dean nodded his understanding and moved to sit down. Castiel moved to sit beside him.

“it doesn’t explain what this has to do with me, Cas.”

“It has everything to do with you, what would you prefer? A human or an angel?”

Dean looked at him and shook his head, “No Cas, this has nothing to do with me, I love you for who you are, not what you are. What do you want?”

Castiel looked at him for a moment and then licked his lips. “I want to be human, I want to experience things for the first time with you, I want to grow old with you and eventually die with you, if I’m an angel, I will never grow old, I will have to watch you age and die, I can’t taste and enjoy food, or how it feels to be cold or hot, or how the shower feels, I won’t sleep, the little things I can’t experience with you.” Castiel stopped suddenly and Dean could see the moisture in Castiel’s eyes.  “I don’t want to live in a world where you no longer exist. In the veil, it was hard to not see you, when I – when my belongings were sent to you and I watched you, I hated it, not being able to talk to you, touch you. It wasn’t an existence I would want to live through again.”

Dean felt tears run down his cheek and he reached out and entwined his hands with Castiel’s. “Then don’t be an angel.” He choked out.

Castiel nodded but then smiled, “I’m really glad you said that.”

Dean felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and he pulled it out, realizing that he had ignored Sam and Bobby’s calls.

“Hey, wanna answer this call?” Dean asked, suddenly chuckling. He handed the mobile to Castiel but then put it on speaker so he could hear also.

“Dean where the fuck did you-“

“Hello, Sam.”

The phone went silent for a second, Dean kept his mouth tightly sealed afraid he would laugh.

“Cas?” Sam’s voice sounded unsure.

“Yes, it’s me,” Castiel replied, trying to contain his own laughter.

“Holy shit, Bobby!” 

Dean couldn’t hold it back any longer and burst into laughter which turned into hysterics, he couldn’t stop himself, maybe it was because Cas was alive, he was there with him, he was human… he was really there and – he started to cry silently as he laughed, he barely heard the conversation between Cas, Sam and Bobby, he was just so high emotionally.

When Cas ended the call,  Cas turned and found Dean rolling on the floor, hay stuck in his hair. He grinned and leaned over and looked down at him.

Dean stopped laughing and looked up into the blue eyes he had missed so damn much, everything stalled and he could hear nothing but his own breath.

Castiel leaned down slowly and kissed him,  his tongue sliding between Dean’s lips and with each stroke of his tongue he deepened the kiss and leaned heavier on to Dean.

Dean reached his hand around the back of Castiel's neck and pulled him a little closer until Castiel’s weight was completely on him. He needed it, he needed to know Cas was really there with him. Castiel shifted his body until his leg was between Deans and then laid flush against him.

The kiss felt like it went on for hours, slow, deep and perfect. Dean felt like he was floating in the silence of the barn, and he didn’t want it to ever end; however, their lungs had a different idea and they both had to stop to breathe.

“I love you,” Castiel whispered as he looked into Dean’s eyes. “Always and forever.” He finished and then leaned down again and kissed him deeply once again.

The kissed turned more heated and Dean started unbuttoning Castiel's shirt, while Castiel struggled to do the same, their teeth clinked at times and they both started laughing, it wasn’t perfect but eventually they were both undressed, warm bare chest, against warm bare chest and Dean still couldn’t believe that what he was feeling was real, that Cas was real, warm and solid.

Castiel lowered his hand and began to stroke Dean and he groaned at the contact and slid his own hand to stroke Castiel's erection.  Castiel groaned from deep in his throat and then leaned back down to kiss Dean as they both slowly brought each other to their orgasm, Dean bit his bottom lip to stop himself from moaning out loud, it felt so good after so long, as they came down from their orgasms, they stared at each other,  something past between them and Dean never wanted to not see Castiel’s eyes again, never wanted to be without him for the rest of his life.  He leaned up and kissed Castiel softly and then pulled back and rested his head against the hay covered floor and Castiel turned himself to lay beside Dean, the air was still quite warm outside as it was just getting to the end of summer and their skin glistened with perspiration. A small line of the moonlight streaked across the barn that made it easier for them to see themselves without the torch. Dean could see the light in Castiel’s eyes, and although he couldn’t make out the colour in the darkness, he imagined how deep they were, and he smiled at him. “ I love you too, always and forever.” Castiel smiled wide and he could see the white of his teeth. “That’s just a little delayed,” Castiel replied.

“Hey better late than never.” He replied.

Castiel turned to look up at the ceiling and Dean turned to watch him. “Dean,  were you alright when I disappeared?” Cas asked quietly before he glanced back towards him.

Dean wet his lips and swallowed.  He was quiet for a long moment and stared at Castiel. “No.” he replied quietly.  “I didn’t know where you’d gone, I wasn’t sure if you just decided to leave me or if something happened to you. I went to Pamela again and she said you were not in the veil, I thought you were in heaven.”

Castiel swallowed,  “That was the moment Gabriel brought me back. “ I wanted to come to you sooner, but, I had to lay low, Gabriel took me to the Bunker because there were factions who wanted me and Gabriel dead. I wanted to call you but It was too dangerous to do so. I’m sorry Dean.”

Dean stayed quiet for a moment, taking in what Cas was saying, quelling the sadness that came with the memory of how he felt at that time. He swallowed forcefully to push it back down and then turned to look at the ceiling. “It’s okay, You’re here now, that’s something I didn’t imagine could ever happen.” He turned back to Castiel, “I’m glad you’re here. “

Castiel turned to look at him again. “Me too.”

“So, I know why I had to drive to you, but why here?” Dean asked curiously.

Castiel swallowed and looked away, staring at the ceiling.

Dean turned on to his side and rested on his elbow.

“Remember when I told you in the motel, the night you die- went to hell?” Castiel asked.

Dean felt bile rising and he tried to swallow it down and replied, “yeah?”

“There was a lot of things I didn’t tell you. “

“Like what?” Dean asked feeling a little uneasy.

“Like you already lived these years, already went through the apocalypse, you were a hunter but I changed it when I killed the demon in Sam’s room because Sam wasn’t fed the blood, everything you did was whitewashed and a new path started.”

Dean looked at him surprised. “I was a hunter?”

Castiel let out a huff of laughter, “Out of what I just said, the only thing you’re asking about is the hunting?”

Dean shrugged, “after everything I have experienced in the last eight years, nothing really surprises me, but the hunter part makes sense the most, what about Sam?”

“Yes, Sam was a hunter too, but things were different for him, Jess died by the same demon your mother died from, the same one who fed Sam the blood.”

Now that did surprise Dean, “What?” he sat up and then groaned as he felt the sticky mess on his stomach, it was drying and there was hay stuck to him. He grabbed his boxers and started wiping his stomach and then looked over at Castiel’s and attempted to clean him too, “What do you mean, Jess died?”

“Sam and you went on a hunting trip to look for your father who was hunting the demon who killed your mother, when Sam got back to Stanford, he found Jessica on the ceiling, burning.”

“Hold up, Dad was hunting? Wait.. let's leave that for now and get to the part where you tell me why we’re here?” he laid back down and moved closer to Castiel, placing his chin on Cas’s chest.

“In that timeline, we met here. “ Castiel replied simply.

Dean smiled, “you’re a romantic, aww how sweet.” He teased.

Castiel laughed. “I thought it was fitting. “

Dean rolled his eyes but smiled none the less. “So tell me what happened.” He encouraged.

“Well, I raised you from perdition that morning, and I tried talking to you in my angelic form, but I think I almost burst your eardrums, twice. “

Dean laughed, “yeah, that’s definitely a way to catch my attention.” He teased.

“I definitely caught your attention, you didn’t know what I was, I believe you thought I was some kind of demon. You came here with Bobby and had all these wardings written on the walls. “

“Of course, you tried to summon me, but being an angel, that wasn’t going to work, I found a vessel. “

“Jimmy Novak?” Dean interrupted.

Castiel looked down at him. “How did you know about him?”

“I, uh, I bumped into him a few years back, I thought he was you, I scared the living shit out of him. “

Castiel chuckled. “I would imagine it would. Jimmy is a devout Christian, he wanted to be a servant of God and I, back then was a soldier of the lord,  all-powerful and knowing.. not forgetting righteous. Jimmy allowed me to use his body and so once I entered him-”

Dean laughed, “That sounds kind of kinky.”

Castiel rolled his eyes, “If only.” He replied,

“After I entered Jimmy and took control of his body, I came here, my entrance was spectacular,” Castiel chuckled at the memory.

“The roof sheets were rattling, lights were popping and I walked towards you, and you and Bobby started shooting me with shotguns.”

Dean laughed, “yeah, I obviously didn’t know that it wouldn’t hurt you.”

“Right,” Castiel replied chuckling.

“As I approached you, I explained I was the one that saved you from hell, but you didn’t seem to like that, and so you stabbed me.”

Dean burst out laughing, “So, it wasn't ‘love at first sight’?”

“Understatement,” Castiel replied, and Dean could hear the smile in his voice.

“So what happened then?” Dean encouraged.

“Well, Bobby tried to hit me and I turned around and put him to sleep and then you and I talked a little, and then I left you and Bobby to recover from my introduction.”

“So when did other me realise I loved  you?” Dean was really curious now.

“I’m not sure if you-he did. Well, not sure if it ever went to non-familial love. He told me many times that I was his brother, but he never told me that he did.” Castiel sounded a little sad, and Dean put his arm around him and squeezed. “I’m sure he did, he probably just didn’t know how to tell you, “ he answered honestly. Castiel put his arm around Dean and smiled. “Maybe.” 

Dean caught the tone, Cas didn’t believe it,”It’s true, you know why I know?” Dean asked.

Cas looked down at him. “How?”

“Well when I first saw you, I fell in love with you, I didn’t know at the time what I felt, why I felt it or why I needed you to be there, but I did.  “

Castiel's eyebrows knitted together for a moment and smiled. “Maybe he did.”

They laid quietly for a while and then Castiel broke the silence. “You know what would be nice?”

“hmm?” Dean felt tired, after the overnight driving and not sleeping in over 36 hours, it was nice to just lay there, feeling whole again.

“Laying on a bed instead of having Hay sticking into places it shouldn’t be sticking.”

Dean burst out laughing, “yeah that sounds good.  There’s a motel I've been to before, it’s not too far away.” 

Dean sat up quickly and felt around for the rest of his clothes; ignoring his underwear as they were soiled from cum. He watched Castiel in his peripheral vision getting up to get dressed, he didn’t want to look away, in case he disappeared and all this suddenly became a figment of his imagination.

Once they were both dressed, they made their way out of the barn and began walking towards the Impala, Dean glanced over to Cas and then moved closer and grabbed his hand. He smiled when Cas looked over at him and suddenly felt a little shy.  “I am, you know, really glad you’re back.”

Castiel watched him, smiling. “As am I, can we make a stop on the way to the motel?  Although I don’t have any money because I was dead...” Dean nodded.

“Of course, what did you want?”

“Well I plan on making love to you, so we need some supplies.”

Dean’s smile widened. “Well, in that case, I’m definitely paying.”  

 


	44. First Times

Neither of them could wait until they entered the motel, wanting to be close to each other, feeling each other closeness, Castiel barely had the key in the door before Dean spun him around and kissed him, his hands travelling down to his waist and starting to unbuckle his pants.

Castiel pulled away and caught his breath. “Dean we should take this inside.” Trying to turn the key but fumbling with it. Dean chuckled, “Well hurry up and get it open.” He started kissing and nipping at Castiel’s pulse point, and Castiel leaned his head back against the door.

He gasped, “really, I think we should wait a few more seconds.” He whispered and Dean pulled back and smirked. You have five seconds.

He stepped back and began to count. “one…” Castiel turned around and started trying to turn the key, “Two…” the damn key wouldn’t budge. “Three…” Dean started to silently laugh, covering his mouth with his hand as he watched Castiel fight with the door. He really didn’t want to be arrested for public exposure, so he reached forward and turned the knob of the door which also turned the key. The door swung open.  “Five!” he said immediately and pounced on Cas again, kissing him as he walked them into the motel and kicked the door shut.

Dean didn’t stop kissing him until they reached the bed and Cas toppled back onto it, giving Dean the top position. He crawled up on to the bed, his legs either side of Castiel and looked down at the man, it was the first time he really saw him properly since he set his eyes on him again in the barn and he wanted to take in every inch of the gorgeous man beneath him.

Castiel’s eyes roamed over Dean as he smiled, partly laughing at the whole thing and then while Dean was too distracted in taking in every line of him, Cas bucked his hips and managed to topple him and turn him so he landed on his back and Castiel above him.

Castiel pulled Deans arms up above his head and gently took the brown paper bag out of his hands and put it to the side.

“So, where were we?” Castiel asked; his one brow cocked. Dean licked his bottom lips and stared into Castiel’s eyes, “I believe you said you were going to fuck me.” he grinned up.

“I believe I said I was going to make love to you.”

“That too.” Dean shrugged, “they both mean the same thing.”

“I suppose they do.” Castiel leaned down and captured Deans mouth with his own and kissed him,  he let of Deans wrists and sat up to look at him firmly. “Do not move your hands,” he commanded and Dean nodded. “Yes, sir.” And then grinned.

“I like that.” Castiel nodded his approval. “I like that a lot.” He bent down again and moved to Dean’s neck, Dean lifted his head up and to the side; allowing Castiel more access.

 Cas nipped and licked at his pulse point as his hands moved down Dean’s body, unbuttoning his shirt, then his pants and Dean felt himself swelling and needing some friction, he sucked in the air when Castiel latched on to his neck and sucked hard, and he lifted his hips at the sensation. Castiel took advantage of the move and pushed Dean’s jeans down past his pelvis and then moved his mouth down lower, kissing down Dean’s chest, across each side of his ribs while his hands continued removing his Jeans.  

His mouth ghosted over each nipple and Dean arched up, hoping for more, but Castiel continued his path south; reaching his stomach and then his pelvis; which made him quiver and weaken as Cas ghosted across the sensitive point near his groin.

He felt dizzy and intoxicated by the sensations that he hadn’t felt in over Seven years and he needed; wanted more.

“Cas, I need more.” He whispered breathlessly, lifting his hips to prove the point. Cas pushed Dean’s hips down and held them as he continued his leisurely path down his left leg and then moved across to the right.

Dean held back a whimper, trying to hold on, but after all the torturing wet dreams he had, after all this time, he needed it.

He almost cried out with the sob when he finally felt Castiel’s tongue run the length of his erection and then take him into his mouth, it was almost too much for him. After all, he was practically a virgin again; holding out probably wouldn’t be easy.

He felt as Cas tongue slid along the underside of his erection and groaned, wanting to run his fingers through Cas’s hair. He was in both heaven and hell.

Cas slowed down, and then popped off and Dean looked down to watch as Castiel took off his own clothes.  He followed the contours of his very fine body until his gaze met Castiel’s and he smiled, seeing the affection and desire in Castiel’s eyes.

Castiel climbed up his body once he was naked and kissed him as he reached over to the brown bag and took out the bottle of lube and then quickly kissed a path back down him until he was laying between his legs.

Dean sucked in air as he felt Castiel’s mouth on his balls and he had to concentrate on not moving his hands because goddammit he wanted to grip Cas’s hair. 

He heard the cap of the lube as it was opened and he waited in anticipation, trying to keep his mind to some degree, sane.  Castiel’s mouth travelled slowly up his erection again and then without hands sinking back down on it.

 He moaned and lifted his hips, trying to gain more friction and felt a finger pushing gently inside of him, he groaned and pushed down a little, it stung but it felt good too. Cas slowly began to pump his finger in and out until Dean pleaded for more and he slowly added a second finger. he stilled his mouth movements, and Dean looked down to see Castiel watching him intensely as he moved two fingers in and out, he licked his lip and felt himself come apart, close to cumming, “Cas, please, I need to feel you before I cum. “

Castiel pulled off and quickly added a third finger and pushed in a few times, twisting to make sure it was going to be okay and then pulled them out. He picked up the bottle of lube and Dean watched as he generously covered his erection and ran his hand up and down himself a few times which made Dean groan at the sight of Castiel gripping himself, they definitely needed to do that sometime soon.

He smiled and licked his lips as Castiel looked up at him and then smirked. “You like seeing this?” he asked. Dean nodded.

“Maybe next time,” Castiel growled. He moved up the bed to kiss Dean and positioned himself and slowly pushed in, Deans gaze never left Castiel’s as he slowly pushed in a little more.

What was first a desperate need, turned into something more meaningful, both just wanting to see the other as Castiel slowly sunk deeper until he bottomed out. They remained still once Castiel was fully seated and Castiel brought his hand up and brushed his thumb against Deans' cheek,  he had no idea that he was crying, but it wasn’t sadness, it was love. He was so head over heels in love with the man above him and he knew that he was his for life, and beyond.

“I love you.” Castiel whispered, “I love you too,” Dean replied in a whisper and then Castiel leaned down and kissed him, putting everything he felt into it.

 Dean melted into the kiss as Cas began to move, thrusting slowly; to begin with, but he quickly started a faster pace and Dean pulled off the kiss and threw his head back as his prostate was nailed.

Dean lifted his legs and locked them around Castiel’s waist and tried to keep the moaning to a quiet level, but it was hard when someone was nailing your prostate. “Oh God.” He breathed out loud enough for Cas to hear as he felt himself swimming in pleasure.  Castiel leaned down and whispered in his ear. “You probably shouldn’t be saying my father’s name while I’m fucking you.”

Dean’s eyes widened as it dawned on him that God was actually Cas’s father and for some reason that so fucking hot and he felt himself go over the edge, feeling his load hit his stomach and neck in small spurts.  Castiel picked up his pace and was soon panting and his thrusts were erratic until he moaned out Dean’s name as he fell over his own edge, he slowed down and shuddered and collapsed on top of Dean, exhausted.

They laid there catching their breaths and coming down from their orgasms for a few minutes; Castiel slowly fell to the side, completely exhausted.

Dean looked over at him and smiled, the guy looked exhausted, like he ran a marathon, he suddenly realized that this was probably the first time he had sex as a human.

“Cas?”  He asked quietly,

“Dean?” Castiel replied panting.

“Was that your first time… as a human?”

Castiel shook his head. “No, I was human once before and there was that woman, well she was a reaper, but I didn’t know she was a reaper…”

“Oh,” Dean said, a little disappointed.

Castiel turned his head to look at him, reading his reaction.

“Dean, it was my first time with you as a human, actually it was my first time with a man, and it was much better.” Castiel smiled and Dean felt a little happier with his answer.

“We should talk about what you have and haven’t done some time, so we can experience everything you have yet to experience and I don’t mean just in the bedroom, but with everything. “

Castiel smiled and looked back up. “I’d like that.” 

Dean nodded, “Me too, So would you like to share a shower with me? Have you experienced someone washing your hair or massaging your shoulders?”

Castiel shook his head, “no, but I’d like to.” And then grinned.

“Awesome let’s do that now, “ He picked up the brown paper bag and pulled out the shampoo and conditioner and soap and then scrambled off the bed and winced a little, he forgot the pain that sometimes came with sex, especially after so long.  He tried to hide it from Cas and walked as naturally as he could into the bathroom while he took the soap out of it’sleeve.

He heard Castiel stepping behind him and he leaned in and turned on the taps, adjusting them to the right temperature, placed the soap on the soap holder and leaned down carefully to put the bottles on the floor to the side, then straightened up and turned to kiss Cas and slowly walk back into the shower, bringing Cas with him.

They spent the first 5 minutes just kissing under the shower spray and then Dean reached for the soap and made it wet enough that it would lather and started washing Castiel’s skin, he loved doing this, he loved the feel of his hands gliding under the soap down Castiel’s body and the way Cas was now kissing him, he knew Cas enjoyed it too. He pulled back and blinked the water from his eyes and indicated for Cas to turn around. 

Castiel turned and Dean began rubbing his shoulders with the soap as a lubricant, he kneaded and enjoyed listening to the moans of relaxed pleasure it was giving Cas, he leaned forward and kissed the centre of Castiel’s shoulder blades and then worked the soap down, massaging his spine as he went.  He worked down to Castiel’s ass and kneaded each buttock, and then down each of his thick thighs, then calfs and then back up to the front top of his thighs, all the while Castiel moaned at each press of his fingers deep into each muscle. It was heaven.

 He picked up the bottle of shampoo and stood back up and turned Cas back around and kissed him deeply again, then uncapped and squeezed a small amount of the shampoo into the palm of his hand and looked up at Castiel’s hair which was sticking up in some places but mostly looking glued to his head with the pressure of the water. He smiled and reached up to begin rubbing the shampoo into his hair and Cas kept his eyes on him, watching him as he lathered up his hair and made sure that he got every bit of it.

Castiel smiled as he looked back down at him. “I love you.” He said affectionately.

Dean smiled and returned his concentration back to Castiel’s hair for a minute and then glanced back down. “I love you too, now move over here a little so I can rinse it out.” Castiel did as he was told and moved to the spray and Dean washed out the suds until they were gone, and then leaned down to pick up the conditioner.

He stopped as he realized his face was in line with Castiel’s now fully erect cock and he didn’t miss a beat, he leaned forward and with one hand took hold of him, then fisted it a few times before he covered Cas’s erection with his mouth and pushed down. Castiel moaned out and he felt fingers gripping his head, he slowly took more of Castiel into his mouth; breathing through his nose and getting used to it before taking in more.

 It was slow but he managed to take the whole length of him without gagging; although he almost did, a few times, he still didn’t.

He waited a moment and then swallowed and Castiel gripped his hair a bit tighter. He began bobbing his head, sucking as he pulled away, allowing that little bit of pressure and then pushing back on.

“Dean” Cas cried out, and he glanced up from his position and Castiel was watching him, that affection was there in his eyes again.

He slowly pulled back until only the head was in his mouth and took both his hands to grip the base of Castiel’s erection and gently twisted in opposite directions, his tongue swirling. Castiel moaned and threw his head back, and Dean took his cock deeper into his mouth again and moved his hand to massage his balls.  He slowly moved lower, circling his ring of muscles, he kept his eyes on Castiel’s face, to make sure it was okay, and he slowly pushed in little by little.

 Castiel hissed and Dean stilled, it was tricky with not having any lubrication but if done right, it wouldn’t hurt too much, except a little sting. Castiel nodded and he pushed in a little more, each time waiting for Cas to relax. Once he was past the second knuckle he moved to his prostate and stroked while he sucked hard and Castiel moaned out loudly, his legs began to shake; gripping Deans hair tightly.

Dean felt dizzy with the pleasure and pain from his scalp but also from what he was doing to Castiel, taking him apart as he was.

He quickened his movements, sucking a little harder and hollowing his cheeks while he continued to target his prostrate until Castiel came in his mouth. He slowed his pace and swallowed as much as he could and then slowly stood back up and kissed him. Castiel groaned and licked Dean’s lips, apparently, Castiel liked the taste of his cum, that was good to know; he thought. 

Castiel pulled away and smiled at him lazily. “That was another first.” He said and then chuckled. Dean felt the pride swell in himself for being able to give him something first. “And what do you think?” he asked,

“ That was amazing.” He grinned. Dean grinned back and picked up the soap to clean himself quickly and then picked up the shampoo and lathered his hair while he watched Cas lean back against the wall with a goofy smile on his face.

He rinsed his hair and didn’t bother with the conditioner. He turned off the taps and then moved to get some towels, but then realised, that his towels were in the Impala. “Son of a bitch.” he should have realised they would need a shower.

“Dean?” Castiel asked looking concerned as he stepped out of the shower.

“I forgot the towels, they are in my bag, in the Impala.”

Castiel laughed. Dean looked at him, “whats funny about that?”

Castiel shook his head, “I don’t know, it just is.” Dean watched him for a little longer and then began to laugh too, still not understanding what was actually funny. 

Once they settled down, he pulled the blankets off the bed and gestured for Castiel to walk over and he wrapped the blanket around both of them. “This will have to do until I can get out there and get the groceries and my bag.” He explained. They both awkwardly moved to back to the bed and sat down.

“So what did you think of the massage and hair washing for the first time as a human?” Dean asked as he stared at the stray bead of water that was running down Castiel’s neck and chest until he lost it as Castiel’s Naval.

“I liked it a lot, it was really pleasant and pleasurable but in a different way to sex, but not too different to sex.” Castiel looked at him, still looking a little sleepy.

He tried to work that out, pleasurable different to sex but not too different?  Then it came to him, the weak feeling that makes you want to melt and moan and just lose yourself in it.

“Yeah, I guess you could say it’s pleasurable that’s a little like sex.” He agreed. “So, we gotta work out what you should try next.” He grinned. “What about food? What have you eaten as a human?”

He watched as Castiel thought about it, “ I have tasted P&J sandwiches,  tacos, I tried coffee... I like coffee…  burgers, I don’t remember much else, oh alcohol. I’ve tried that.”

Dean stared at him, thinking about all the things he could cook for him. Eggs, omelettes, Steak, spaghetti bolognese, potato bake, he grinned, “I’m gonna introduce you to all the best foods.

Castiel warily looked at him. “Dean, you don’t eat healthily.”

Dean groaned, “Please don’t turn into Sam.” He shook his head and realised he was dry enough to put his clothes back on and get their things from the Impala.  “I’m gonna get our stuff from the Impala and then I’m gonna cook you a Bacon and cheese omelette. “ At the last part he heard Castiel’s stomach growl and he giggled, it was the first time he had ever heard it. Castiel glanced down at his stomach and then back to Dean. “I think I’m hungry. “ and then smiled.

Dean put on his jeans and threw his shoes on without socks; it wasn’t like he was going far. Castiel stood up and began putting his clothes on and Dean felt a little sad as he watched little by little Castiel was being covered. “Hey Cas, leave the shirt off.” He grinned. Cas stopped halfway putting his arms into his shirt and then dropped his arms and put the shirt at the bottom of the bed. “If I go without a shirt, when you get back, I expect you shirtless also.”

“Deal.” Dean agreed and left the motel to collect their stuff.

 

 

 

 


	45. Cherry Pie

“This one is better.” Castiel pointed to the pie that was nearest to his left arm and Dean raised an eyebrow. He stared at him with his mouth full of his own pie. “Seriously, the cherry? “

Castiel nodded and then scooped more of the pie into his mouth.

 “Cherry is nice, but this one is nicer. “ Dean pulls the apple pie closer to himself and scooped a mouthful onto his fork and leaned over and indicates for Cas to open his mouth; which Castiel does.

After watching Castiel squint his eyes for a just less than a minute, he waits for the verdict. Cas shakes his head, “No I still like the Cherry one better. “ Dean grins, and bursts into song,

♩ _“_ _He's my cherry pie_

_Cool drink of water_

_Such a sweet surprise_

_Tastes so good_

_Make a grown man cry”_ ♩

 

Castiel leans back, feeling stuffed; smiling, after trying 5 different pies, he didn’t think he could eat for a week.

Dean stopped singing and looked over the pies..  and points to one off to the side. “So what about this one, what place would you put this lemon meringue pie?”

Castiel looked at it, “I think, third place, after Cherry and Apple pie.”

Dean nodded in agreement, “ This one? It’s Blueberry.”

“Fourth,” Castiel replied immediately.

“And this? It’s banana cream pie.” Dean pulled a little bit of a face at it, but scooped some of the cream on to his finger and leaned over; offering it to Castiel, who leaned forward and sucked it off his finger.  Castiel scrunched up his nose and shook his head. “ The banana is too strong.”

Dean nodded in agreement and then sat back patting his stomach. “Well, I guess we have that in common.” 

Castiel stood up and picked up the pie closest to him to put away, Dean watched him for a second and then stood up and picked up another one, they moved over to the fridge and placed them inside, he would sort out the containers later.

“We should really start making our way back to Bobby’s tomorrow, Sam keeps calling and asking when we will be back; he can’t wait to see you, Jo, too. “ Castiel smiled fondly at the mention of Jo’s name and nodded.  

“If I had my way, we would stay here forever, I don’t want to share you with anyone.” Dean smiled and moved to stand behind Castiel as he was leaning down to pick up another pie, he wrapped his arms around him and rested his chin on Castiel’s shoulder.

“You would be sick of me before too long.” Castiel countered and turned his head to look at Dean.

Dean shook his head, “Never,” He added and then sighed and stepped away to pick up another pie and then placed it in the fridge.

They had been in the motel for just one day, and Sam was already threatening to find them if he didn’t bring Cas back to Bobby's and so he agreed that they would drive back the next day.

He yawned and glanced at the clock, it was only five in the afternoon, but they hadn’t slept much through the night, he didn’t want to sleep, he was afraid that if he did he would wake up to find it was all just a dream. However, the lack of sleep was now taking its toll on him.  Five broken hours of sleep over 3 days was his new highest score and he knew, he had to at least take a nap if he was to drive the eight hours back to Sioux Falls.

He turned back to Cas and watched as he took the last pie and put it in the fridge and then smiled.

“So what do you want to do now?” he asked, his eyes roaming over Castiel’s chest, watching as the muscles in his shoulders moved under his skin as he moved the glasses to the sink.

Castiel turned to him and shrugged. “What would you like to do?”

Dean grinned and waggled his eyebrows and Castiel rolled his eyes, “You’re insatiable, but I think you should probably sleep; take a nap or something?”

Dean shook his head, “I’ll sleep later.” He moved over to Castiel and lifted his hand to the back of Castiel's neck and leaned in to kiss him.  It was a slow kiss, lazy and gentle and Dean loved it, feeling the softness of Castiel’s mouth, tasting the remnants of sweetness from the pies.  He ran his hands down Castiel’s arms until he reached Cas’s hands and threaded his ones through Cas’s and then pulled away and walked backwards as he kept his eyes on Castiel.

Castiel walked forward with him; allowing Dean to take the lead as they moved closer to the bed, but once they were there,  he slowly pushed Dean down onto the bed; kissing him softly.

It didn’t take long for them to strip and Castiel laid flush against him, he looked up into his eyes, feeling like he would never have enough of seeing him staring back at him.

It all felt unreal and he moved his legs until Castiel was between his and he locked their ankles together as if to ground Castiel to him.

Castiel smiled softly and dipped down to kiss him and he drew his hands up to the back of Castiel’s neck; anchoring the man to him, and lifted this head slightly to deepen the kiss.

Castiel slowly ground himself against Dean; he felt the friction of their erections rubbing together and drew back for air, then leaned forward again; taking Castiel’s bottom lip between his teeth gently and then releasing it. “Don’t ever leave again,” Dean whispered, feeling overwhelmingly emotional as he stared up at him.

Castiel shook his head. “ Never.’ He whispered and then dipped down to kiss him once again.

The foreplay and sex were great, but the part that Dean wanted; needed the most was the closeness and the reassurance it brought when he felt Castiel’s warm body pressed against him.  He didn’t know how long it would take for him to be able to totally relax and know that Cas was there and not leaving, but for now, this was what he needed the most.

Dean snaked his hand down between them and took them both in his hand and began to leisurely move his hand. Castiel growled from deep in his throat and Dean leaned up and nipped Castiel’s skin where the sound originated from, and then kissed a trail to the side of his neck where he sucked hard while he flicked his tongue across the flesh.

Castiel thrust into Dean’s hand and he quickened his pace bringing them to, and through their orgasms, and then after they showered they both laid back down.

 Dean turned into Castiel, wrapping his arms around him, his chin resting on Castiel’s shoulder; feeling secure in their new sleeping positions and drifted to sleep.

  It was six o'clock in the morning when Dean stirred, his arms still tightly around Castiel’s waist and their legs linked. He smiled and snuggled in closer to Castiel, shifting his body so they were flush. He could smell the fresh scent of shampoo still in Castiel’s hair and he took a deep inhale; enjoying the smell until he heard the other man chuckle and in a deep, rough voice greet him “good morning. “

He smiled and pressed his pelvis against Castiel’s backside without intending to and Castiel pushed back, he wrapped his arms tighter around him and then lifted his head to kiss the side of Castiel’s head.

“Morning.” He replied and then closed his eyes; enjoying the moment, being able to wake up and have Cas there, it was everything he ever wanted.

“Did you sleep well?” Castiel asked; turning his head a little.

Dean squeezed Castiel gently and nodded. “mmm, I did, it’s the best sleep I’ve had in a long, long time.”

Castiel nodded his own agreement and shuffled down into the blankets a little. Dean didn’t want to move, he would give anything to spend the entire day laying next to Cas like he was, but they had to start driving back to Bobby’s. However,  they didn’t’ need to leave for another six hours, he didn’t plan to get out of bed before seven; maybe even eight.

“Cas?” Dean asked after a few minutes of silence.

“Hmm?” Castiel replied, sounding a little sleepy.

“What was our life like in the other… you know, time?”

Castiel remained silent for a moment and then turned to face him. “Do you really want to know?” he asked, looking into Dean’s eyes.

Dean nodded, “Yeah, I do.”

Castiel watched him for a while and then sighed. “Yours and Sams lives were different in many ways but was also the same in many others.”

“What do you mean?” Dean asked, not sure he understood, as far as he could understand, the other Dean had a father who hunted, a mother who died supernaturally, his brother's girlfriend was killed, how much more different could it have been?

“Well, You and Sam were hunters, and even though it was started for different people, you started for the same reason. Vengeance.  Jessica died at that time but didn’t here, but it still ended.  You sold your soul to save Sam in both times. Sam and Eileen met in the other time too but not until later and it didn’t turn out well for Eileen.  The doctor you saw; Dr Marks.. he was a prophet of the lord in the other time but here he’s a psychiatrist; Although I feel like I’m missing a piece of something about him, something that I should know but I don’t remember. “  Castiel looked up at Dean who was watching him as he seemed lost in his own internal thoughts and smiled.

 

“You are adorable when you squint,” Dean complimented and leaned in to kiss him.

Castiel smiled, “I'm not sure if I’m meant to say ‘thank you’  to that.” He squinted again and Dean laughed.

“Tell me about you and him… the other me.” Dean asked, looking into Castiel’s eyes.

“I don’t know what to tell you, what would you like to know?”

“Everything?” Dean replied. “Were we  close?”

Castiel nodded, “I’d like to think we were.”  He smiled. “We almost died for each other more than once.”

Dean flinched at the memory of Castiel dying,  and Cas looked apologetically up at him.

“So why didn’t you find out if he-I loved you?” Dean asked, curious; trying to understand what was different with him in that time and the time they were in.

“I didn’t think about it, I was happy for the most part with how our relationship was, and I didn’t really know myself how I felt for you- him. “

Dean chuckled. “You don’t  ‘almost die’ for each other without there being any love there.”

“Maybe not, but our lives were different in how events were happening, it kept us busy with trying to figure out how to fix things we… how to fix the world, I guess neither of us really thought more about it. He said I was his brother and best friend; I was happy with that.”

“Were you really? “ Dean asked, looking at him suspiciously.

Castiel nodded, “Of course. “

 “So Dad was a hunter?” Dean then asked, wanting to know more about that.

Castiel nodded, “Your mother was a hunter, even here; in this time she was a hunter but she stopped hunting after your father died.”

“What?” Dean interrupted.  “Mom died before dad.” Dean corrected.

Castiel shook his head, “No, your father was killed by Azazel; the yellow-eyed Demon; who’s a prince of hell by the way.  Mary- your mother made a deal with him to bring him back, Azazel brought him back but she had to let him into Sam’s nursery ten years in the future. He brought John back and they were married, she quit hunting for the most part. “

Dean’s head was swimming, he tried to work out the information he was given, but couldn’t picture his mom hunting. She was soft and warm and didn’t appear to be a hunter; not like any of the hunter women he had ever met.

“Your grandfather was a hunter too,” Castiel added,

“So Sam and I come from a line of hunters?” Dean asked curiously; no wonder he and Sam both felt like they were supposed to hunt.

Castiel nodded, “You also come from a line of men of letters, you and Sam are legacies”

“What now?” Dean asked. “What are men of letters, Doesn’t sound exciting. “

“They are an old secret society, they have networks throughout the world, they collect information about the supernatural world, including old legends, they document events from the past. In the other time, you and Sam both lived in the Bunker; which is a secret building where they lived at one time.  Sam's been there already, Gabriel sent Bobby and Sam there, although Sam probably doesn't know the significance of the building.” Dean shook his head, too much information for far too early in the morning.

“Right, so we’re from a line of kickass hunters and a line of nerds? Well, that would explain Sam.” Dean grinned. “I guess I take the kickass hunter side and he takes after the nerdy side.”

Castiel grinned,” Maybe, although your father was meant to be a men of letters member, he never knew about them, he was too young to know much before his father disappeared.”

Dean felt the sadness shift a little, he had heard about his dads past; feeling the abandonment of his father and he growled. “What kind of father does that to his son?” he asked.

Castiel shook his head, “ Henry didn’t make the choice to disappear, but that we can talk about another time.” Castiel's stomach rumbled and Dean smiled.

“Pie for breakfast?” he suggested, they didn’t have much left after testing so much of what they had brought from the grocery store two days before.

Castiel nodded. “Cherry.” He added and smiled.

“How about we share the cherry and save Apple for lunch?” He suggested, and Castiel nodded. “Deal.”

They ate breakfast and started to pack everything up, Castiel didn’t have any clothes with him except the ones Gabriel had gotten him after he brought him back, so Dean had given him a pair of his Jeans and an ACDC  shirt; which Dean thoroughly approved of when he took in the expanse of Castiel’s arms the material was hugging; and it led to Dean undressing him again and pulling him to the bed.

They didn’t leave the motel until One O’clock which put them an hour behind. They would arrive back at Bobby’s after nine; when Castiel pointed out this delay, Dean just grinned and said it was worth it.

They spent a lot of the drive listening to music, at times Dean tested Castiel’s memory of what the song name was and who sang the song, other times they sang; albeit, tried to sing in tune together, it would eventually lead to them laughing.

Dean felt free, he felt so thoroughly alive again and when Castiel fell asleep, he just watched out the front window, a smile of contentment spread across his face.

He peeked over at Castiel every so often just to take in the relaxed lines of his features.  He was definitely there, not a spirit, not his imagination. Castiel was alive and he wasn’t going anywhere.

 

 

***********************

They finally arrived at Bobby’s just after nine thirty and Jo was the first to run out the front door and greet Castiel. She threw her arms around him and he wrapped his around her and smiled as she stepped back. “I’ve missed you!” she exclaimed, she had grown so much since he last saw her, no longer was a young teenager; she was a young woman, very strong and confident; just like the Jo, he knew from the original time. “It’s good to see you, Jo. You’ve grown so much.” 

He heard the door swing open again and he looked up to find Sam coming towards him. Sam appeared shocked and unsure, and Castiel stood forward and held out his hand; not sure how he should greet him.

Sam cautiously stepped closer and stopped for a second before he quickly moved the last little bit and lifted him off the ground, almost crushing him in his arms as he hugged him.

Castiel stood stunned for a moment; before he adjusted to the bone-crushing tightness and hugged him back.

Sam let him go and stepped back, “Good to see you Castiel.” His voice trembled and then he was pushed to the side as Ellen stepped in front of him and rushed to hug him.

He felt overwhelmed by the love they showed him and he wrapped his arms around Ellen and didn’t let go until he saw Bobby slowly coming out of the house; stepping towards him.

Bobby stepped up to him and hugged him quickly and stepped back. “It’s good to have ya back, maybe now things can get back to normal.” Bobby pointedly turned to Dean.

Dean smiled but then turned his attention to someone behind Bobby. Castiel followed the direction he was looking and found a much younger Eileen standing quietly to the side; watching the ensemble greet Castiel.

Sam turned around when he noticed Dean and Castiel glancing behind him. “Cas, I want you to meet Eileen.”  He held his hand out to her and indicated for her to come closer and she stepped forward and smiled at Cas.

Castiel nodded. “Hello Eileen, I have heard a lot about you.” He felt a bit awkward; not knowing if he should hold out his hand for her to shake or not.

She stepped forward. “I’ve heard a lot about you too.” She said sweetly and then hugged him gently. He smiled as she stepped back again.

“Well are we gonna stand out here all night, I’ve been driving for over 8 hours, I don’t know about you guys but I’m hungry and need to take a leak.” Dean stepped past everyone and stepped into the house.

They followed slowly back into the house and then Castiel pulled Ellen aside, “How was Dean?”

She shook her head. “He wasn’t coping.”

Castiel felt a lot of regrets, he should have stayed mostly in the veil like he had planned, but he couldn’t leave Dean, not when he had found him in the motel with the tablets in his hand.  It broke him to see how far Dean had fallen into depression. 

“I’m going to make it up to him,” Castiel promised

Ellen smiled and then shook her head. “You have nothing to make up for, you risked and lost your life to save him.  “ she placed her hand on his cheek and tears filled her eyes. “Thank you.”

Castiel watched her for a moment, speechless and then Dean’s footsteps came down the stairs and Ellen let her hand drop away and wiped her eyes, then moved towards him and asked if he wanted a beer.

Ellen had prepared them a meal and they both sat and ate, listening to the conversation around them, Dean pulled Castiel’s hand into his lap and held it while they listened to Jo debate with Sam, and they smiled contentedly. This was their family and for the first time in such a very long time. It was complete.

It was late when they finally said goodnight and made their way to the panic room which Ellen had made up as a guest room for them and it didn’t take too long for both of them to fall asleep; Castiel wrapped around Dean.

 

 

 

 

 


	46. Chapter 46

November 2008

After a month taking it easy at Bobby’s Dean, Castiel, Sam and Eileen talked about moving to the Bunker, it gave them more room. Sam was excited to go back; already being there before but now knowing about the supernatural, he couldn’t wait to start reading more. Especially once he learned that Eileen was also a legacy.

The moment Dean stepped inside the building he felt his eyes bug out; it was like a bat cave where they could operate from. Castiel casually stood to the side and watched as Dean checked out the weapons and the rooms. 

He smiled; it felt like home being back in the bunker, like old times except Dean was a younger man; not as weighed down with the death of his friends.

He pushed away from the pillar he was leaning against and followed the sound of Dean’s whoops from further down the hallway which led to the archives room.

He stepped past Dean and slowly moved one of the shelves stacked with old boxes of archived items and heard Dean gasp as he began to move the second one.

“Dude it’s a sex Dungeon!” Dean exclaimed and Castiel shook his head and looked into the dungeon room.

“Don’t you think of anything else?” Castiel asked; of course he wasn’t complaining, after becoming human, he was on board with it but over the month that he’d been back, they appeared to do little else than spend an entire day in bed, Dean’s stamina apparently exceeded his own.

“You should check out the shooting range.” Castiel tilted his head behind them and Deans eyes grew wider.

“Awesome.  Where is it?” Dean asked; looking around eagerly behind him.

“I’ll show you, come on.” Castiel gave Dean a tour of the bunker and the garage; which Dean seemed the most excited about, a space for the Impala where there was no risk of it being scratched, broken into, or stolen.

He watched as Dean moved back through the halls to put the Impala in the garage and he slowed down; looking into the rooms as he moved past them; Ghosts of old memories good and bad coming to the forefront of his mind.

It was really good to be home again, back where he felt the safest; where the brothers were safe; except of course for the men of letters in London, but Gabriel had promised to deal with that if or when the time came. He hoped that he would be able to; they didn’t need them visiting the states again. 

He rubbed his hand over his trouser pocket and felt the outline of the vial filled with his grace. It was hard making the decision to remain human; he wanted to experience life with Dean, he wanted to grow old with him. He also secretly missed being human, but it also meant that he was weaker and unable to protect Dean unlike when he was an angel.  He felt vulnerable; he was a slave to the human needs, emotions and not to forget, urges, but it was all worth it. He would fall from heaven over and over again if it meant he would wake up with his arms wrapped around Dean; feeling the warmth and softness of the body and bed around him, enjoying the food sitting beside or opposite Dean and of course not forgetting the full array of sensations that came before, during and after sex. 

He knew what he was choosing when he told Gabriel he didn’t want his powers returned, but unlike last time, he had Dean, he knew he would have a home with him forever.

 Gabriel insisted on him holding onto his grace; just in case it fell into the wrong hands, or should he ever change his mind his options were open.

As he felt the vial in his pocket, however, he knew that he would never go back to being an angel. He was human and would remain human until he died and then he would go to heaven as a human soul.

He made his way to the vault and opened it, then pulled the vial out of his pocket and watched the grace within the confines of the glass for a few minutes before he placed it inside and shut the vault door again. One day a good angel might need it to save them, or perhaps it could be used in a spell that required an angels grace but in the meantime, it will remain safely locked away

He heard Dean walking through the hallway and he stepped out the room to join him, they moved through the halls to the dorms and picked their bedroom, and Dean beckoned Castiel into the room more before closing the door.

He grinned and gestured to the bed, “You should test the bed, in case it’s uncomfortable.” He explained.

Castiel grinned and sat down and waited for Dean to stand in front of him. He looked up as he began unbuckling Dean’s belt and watched as his irises turned darker and his pupils grew.

He took Dean in hand and enjoying the weight in his now human hands; he would never get used to the differences of the feeling of things, sure as an angel he still felt good, things were really good but they were more diluted, now that he experienced it all as a human, it felt like it was second-hand feelings and sensations as an angel.

Dean moaned, and he watched as Dean’s eyes fluttered closed while his hand slowly moved up and down his shaft. He would definitely never get used to hearing those moans and what they caused to stir inside him either.

He brought his mouth closer and licked the head of dean’s erection, savouring the salty taste and the gasp that it elicited and then took him all the way to the back of his throat.

He held himself still for a second, just allowing the full weight and girth of Deans erection as it lay flat on his tongue and then slowly drew back, sucking gently.

He had learned a lot more about oral sex over the month and he felt pride in his ability to draw such filthy noises out of Dean. He felt a sting as Dean gripped his hair and he tried to smile, but it wasn’t the easiest thing when his mouth was full.

He allowed his jaw to slacken and stared into Dean’s lust filled eyes and nodded slightly.

Dean ran his hands through Castiel’s hair and then rocked his hips gently as his hand came to rest on the back of Castiel’s head.

This was something that he had come to enjoy, being used by Dean in the most provocative way, a way that showed Dean that he was his forever, that he trusted him implicitly.

Dean slowly picked up the pace and he moaned around him as he reached down to palm his own straining erection, then slowly unbuckled and unzipped his own pants, pulling them down his thighs; releasing the pressure. 

Dean stopped before he came too close and Castiel smiled as he stood up and turned them both around and kissed Dean. He shoved him hard on to the bed and then climbed over until he was hovering above him. He spied the bag on the other side of the bed. He kissed Dean; nipping at his lower lip and then crawled over and leaned down to open it and rummaged inside until he found the lube and then moved back to position himself so he hovered once again over Dean.

He didn’t waste much time prepping Dean and was soon back to kissing him as he lined up and slowly seated himself inside.

He started a slow steady pace and kept his eyes trained on Dean, he loved watching him come apart both emotionally and physically while he slowly increased the speed and depth of his thrusts.  His favourite was when he angled enough that he hit Dean’s prostate.  The feelings from watching him was often overwhelming and he hadn’t found a cause for it, the feeling of wanting to melt into the man beneath him, wrap his arms around him and never let go, that feeling of knowing that Dean’s soul was his, and in return, his soul belonged to Dean. He quickened his thrusts as he felt his stomach begin to coil tightly and the tingling begins in his balls. He leaned and balanced himself on one arm and reached between them to take care of Dean’s erection; making sure to bring Dean through his first, it was hard to hold off when he felt the tight heat around him and the heavy weight of Deans full erection in his hand; but thankfully it didn’t take much before Dean was crying out his name and spilling over both Castiel’s hand and his own stomach.

Castiel increased the thrusts until he lost his rhythm, closing his eyes as he felt his own release spiralling quickly and then growled out Dean’s name as he spilt into the other man.  Dean pulled him down into a kiss as he slowly rode through his orgasm and then collapsed; sweaty and bone tired onto Dean’s chest.

Dean wrapped his arms around him, moving his hand to run through Castiel’s hair. It was nice, post-sex cuddles were one of his favourites; feeling that calm and Oxytocin spread through him; making the closeness so much more special. He hadn’t experienced it as an angel, sure he had the usual feelings he had for Dean, but this added chemical release made everything remarkably so much better.  He loved Dean with everything in him; his mind, body, heart and soul were completely and wholly Dean Winchester’s to do as he desired.

 

They dragged themselves off the bed and took a shower together and then felt their stomachs growl, neither had eaten since breakfast and it was mid-afternoon. They made their way into the kitchen and found Eileen and Sam sitting at the kitchen table.

Eileen grinned when they stepped inside and pointed to the coffee machine; which was three-quarters full. “It’s freshly made.” She added and then took a sip from her own mug.

Dean moved over and poured both himself and Castiel a mug and brought it to the table and the two men joined Sam and Eileen.

“So, what do you think Sam?” Dean asked, “pretty awesome eh?” he added.

Sam looked up from a book he was reading and nodded, “Yeah, “and smiled.

They spent until after Christmas getting used to the bunker, which they now thought of as their home base.  They created a sparring area in a large empty room they had found while they explored the bunker. Castiel was excited by the idea and admitted that he was worried about his strength.

“Maybe we should set up days to train? As an angel, I had the strength but as a human, I’m finding that the strength is more limited and I’m not sure how that will go in a demon fight.”

Dean looked at him for a moment and smiled. “There’s nothing wrong with your strength, you pick me up just fine and I’m not feather light.”

Castiel shrugged, “I feel much weaker than I used to be. “

Dean moved over and put his arm around Castiel's shoulders. “Who do you think would win between you and me?”

Castiel smirked. “I might not be an angel anymore, but I have thousands of years of experience in the field fighting.”

Dean rolled his eyes, “I guess we’ll just have to see huh?”

 

 

Over the weeks Castiel enjoyed Sparring with Dean, Sam and Eileen chose other days to train, which allowed he and Dean time alone, which was just as well because their sparring always ended with one of them pinning the other down which heated up quickly.

Dean was strong and moved well but two out of three times he had Dean pinned with his wrists above his head. He felt more confident in his ability to fight against Demons and Vampires, he might not have the angel strength but with his own human strength mixed with his fighting experience, it didn’t make him pray, that’s for sure.

Since being back though, they hadn’t gone hunting, and when Castiel approached the idea, Dean said he needed time before he went back to hunting. Castiel found it strange, even the Dean he knew in the other timeline wasn’t put off hunting, something was wrong but every time he tried to question Dean, he was told “I’m fine, nothing is wrong. I just want a break.” And that was the end of that conversation.  He sighed; maybe he could speak to Sam or Bobby and see if either of them can find out what was going on.

 

 

***************************************************

Dean didn’t want to hunt. That was the one thing he was certain about.

It wasn’t because he didn’t enjoy hunting and putting monsters down, he did, but he had enough years without Cas and he didn’t want to lose him again.

Not that Cas was weak, he was quite the opposite, watching him tackle a monster and end its life did things to him that he would never admit but he didn’t relax until the hunt was over, until they were packing the trunk and riding off into the "sunset" to another town with a whole new set of monsters.

It was all settled as far as Cas, Sam, Bobby, Eileen, Ellen and Jo was concerned, he was overprotective.

If they lived 8 nightmarish years without the one they loved, he was damn sure they would be the same.

Four months had gone by since Cas came back, and they were now situated fulltime in the Bunker, He and Castiel were researching and taking calls; pretending to be FBI superiors.

It wasn’t easy to Cas to stay behind but for the time being, Dean just liked it that way, he felt like he could breathe; besides, it gave them ample of time to enjoy each other’s company and work on that bucket list of firsts.

Dean looked up from the laptop as he heard Castiel walk into the room and he smiled. “Sleep well?” he asked as he stood up to move to the kitchen to make a couple of coffees.

“It was uneventful. “ Castiel replied; sounding a little disappointed.

Dean picked up the jug and turned to Cas as he moved over to pour it into the two mugs.

“What’s up?” he asked and saw Castiel lick his lips and look up at him, oh boy, it was the look that told him that Cas wanted to talk about a case.

He sighed and sat down opposite him.

“I found a new article, it’s just a town over, I think we should check it out.” Castiel looked at him with intensity.

“What would we be hunting?”

“Sounds like a spirit,” Cas replied; sounding hopeful.

Dean rubbed a hand over his face, It wasn’t fair to Cas, sitting in the bunker all the time after being an angel for thousands of years must be driving him insane, but the churning in his stomach just nagged at him. He had to let Cas fly, metaphorically speaking of course; Castiel’s grace was locked up safe in the vault.

When Dean didn’t say anything Castiel reached over and took Dean’s hand in his own.

“Dean, I know you went through a lot when I… When I wasn’t around,  but that’s over with. I’m here now, you don’t need to worry about me. I’m not going anywhere. Even if I did, I would find Gabriel in heaven and I would be the most annoying brother he could not hope for until he sent me back. “ Castiel smiled and Dean chuckled a little. Imagining Cas whining his way back out of heaven sounds like some comic strip piece.

“I don’t know, I want to hunt, Cas. I really do. I hate knowing that there’s all these dick monsters out there and hurting people, but in here, “Dean taps the side of his head. “ It’s harder to rationalise. I lost you, I thought you were gone. I have you back and I’m afraid that if we go on a hunt and something happened to you… I would never be able to forgive myself.”

Castiel tilted his head a little and gave Dean that look which he hated the most; Pity.

“Alright, fine. We’ll go on this hunt.” He held his hands up in the air. If it stopped him giving him that look, then fine, but he wasn’t going to relax until Cas was safe again.

Castiel grinned; stood up and moved around to him, he leaned in and kissed him and then straightened back up. “I’ll go and get the weapons.” Castiel moved out the kitchen before Dean could reply.

He sighed, maybe it was now time that he called Dr Marks and made an appointment. He couldn’t keep living like this; it wasn’t healthy for him, or his relationship with Cas.

He got up out of his chair and followed Castiel, he would just have to suck it up and deal with his own crap and not make Cas suffer for it. After all, Sam and Eileen had no problems with hunting, even when Sams' shoulder was dislocated by some demon, Eileen never prevented him from hunting again, and Sam wasn’t overprotective of Eileen; worrying about some imagined inability to take care of herself. He needed to get over this, the only question was how hard could it be?

 

 

The case was a simple salt and burn of the corpse and it took less than three days to figure it out and finish the job.

Castiel wasn’t harmed, was never in any danger, but that being said, he still felt that gut-clenching feeling that Cas wasn’t safe until he was back in the bunker.

The moment they were back at the bunker he threw their bags into their room and moved to the war room and called Cas over from the books he was putting away in the corner.

Castiel moved and took a seat in front of him and he felt his throat tighten and mouth go dry, this wasn’t easy to admit. He cleared his throat after a few more attempts to swallow.

“You’re right, they are right. I’m overprotective of you. I know I shouldn’t be, you’re more than capable of taking care of yourself, you aren’t weak, or inexperienced. I know this, but I feel a lot of anxiety when we’re out there up against monsters. It’s my problem and it’s not fair that you’re being confined here.” Castiel tried to interrupt but Dean held up his hand and shook his head in a plea for Cas to let him just say it. “I’m going to make an appointment with Dr Marks, I’m not sure if it will help but I need to try something before it breaks you and me apart.” He finished and looked into Castiel’s eyes; which had softened.

“I don’t want whatever it is going on in my head to affect me and you, Cas, I know that my fear of losing you, could eventually lose you.” Castiel shook his head but he once again held up his hand. “I know what you’re going to say but you can’t know that it won’t break us, I see how you are when we’re out there, you’re happier, you feel that same adrenaline I feel after we finish the case, maybe it won’t do anything now, but over time, you’re going to become resentful, going to feel that I don’t trust you. “

Castiel remained silent and glanced around the room once before he looked back up at Dean’s eyes.” Thank you.” He finally replied and then smiled.

Dean smiled back, feeling a heavy feeling release a little in his stomach and then he moved forward and straddled Castiel’s lap; wrapping his arms around his neck and rested his forehead against Castiel’s. he smiled and then leaned in and gently kissed him.

“I’ll work this out and we’ll be fine.” He whispered when he leaned back for air. Castiel nodded and pulled Dean in again and deepened the kiss.

 

 

 


	47. Chapter 47

Dean waited in the waiting room for his name to be called and he tapped his fingers as he looked around.

The place had changed since he last was there; the receptionist wasn’t the same, the box of kids toys was gone and more seats had taken its place. It was empty; except one other person who was reading a magazine.

His name was called and he looked up at the doctor and stared, he expected him to look older, after almost 10 years, people aged but Dr Marks looked like he always did.

He stood up, half raised his hand and moved towards the doctor, then followed him through to his office.

Dr Marks gestured for him to take a seat in one of the comfortable chairs and he smiled; nodding his thanks and then sat down.

He remained quiet, waiting for the doctor to speak.

“Ah, Mr Winchester,” he peered up over his glasses at him and smiled warmly.

Dean nodded,

“It’s been a while since you've been here, How are you?” he asked as he put the file down on the table between them.

Dean followed the action and wet his lips.

“I’m okay, “ he replied; unsure what to say or even where to start.

 The doctor nodded and he titled his head slightly and brought his hands together.

“So, what brought you here today? “

“I, um… I’m having a hard time relaxing.” Dean started.

 “ With what ?”  He asked Dean; encouraging him to explain more.

“My Fri-My boyfriend, he, uh, something terrible happened to him over eight years ago and, uh, we lost touch but now back together.”

he raised his eyebrow, “And you’re afraid he’s going to leave you again?”

Dean shook his head, “No, I’m afraid something bad will happen to him and he will die. “Dean swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat, he forgot how hard it was to express how you felt to someone you didn’t really know.

 “What happens to you when you both go out? “

Dean licked his lips, “If we go to the store, I’m fine, but if we’re around people that appear bad, I, I start feeling this feeling that I need to get him home; make him safe, and it’s urgent, like it has to be done immediately and when it isn’t, I feel… “Dean looked down to his hands, not able to admit it while looking into the Doctors eyes. “I feel useless and powerless to protect him.”

He kept his eyes down and waited for the doctor to say something, he could hear the pen scratching against the paper and it took some time before Doctor Marks spoke again.

“Did somebody hurt him 8 years ago?”.

Dean nodded, “Yeah, they hurt them really bad, he was in a coma…”

Dean watched as he wrote something more on the paper, “Was that where he was for 8 years?”

Dean thought about denying it, but hell, it was easier to say that it was, than to say he was dead, the doctor would probably think he was insane. Dean nodded.

“I think what’s happening in your mind is rationalising that if you keep him safely tucked away, you can prevent something bad happening. Do you still feel you played a part in your mother's death?”

Dean looked up and searched the doctor's features for a second and then shook his head, “No, I know I had no control over what happened, it’s taken a long time to come to terms with it, but I know it wasn’t my fault.” Dean cleared his throat a little.

 “What happened to your mother, and what happened to your boyfriend are connected in how you’re dealing with things now.” Doctor Marks placed the file back on the table again and leaned back,

 “Even though you don’t feel that your mother’s death was your fault, you couldn’t control what happened to her, just like you couldn’t control what happened to your boyfriend. The trauma of both events has created a subconscious irrational idea that if you keep Castiel locked away safe, then you can protect him from danger.It gives you a feeling of control over what happens in your life. “

Dean looked at Dr Marks curiously, “I didn’t tell you his name,”

 “Sorry?”

“Castiel, I didn’t tell you his name,” Dean repeated.

Dr Marks picked up his file and scanned the pages, “His name is written here, you’ve mentioned him before.”

Dean shook his head, “No, Castiel has been on file as my uncle.”

The doctor paused for a moment and nodded, “True, but it isn’t difficult to make the connection and see that he isn’t your uncle, the way I have seen the two of you look at each other when you’ve left my room, I assumed that there was a reason for the cover and it was not my business as a professional to pry unless it’s brought up in session.”

Dean tilted his head a little, not sure if he believed him, but why would he lie? Was he becoming paranoid? Dean nodded. “That’s fair.” He guessed. “So what do I do about this? How do I stop feeling this way?” Dean asked,

“Have you been seeing another doctor for your script for antidepressants? “ the doctor enquired,

Dean nodded, “yeah but I stopped taking them. “ He wasn’t lying, he had gone to another doctor and explained his depression to them and they had prescribed some to him but he didn’t use them; well didn’t use them for what they were intended for, and Castiel made sure he didn’t take the ones he did try to take.

Doctor Marks looked over his glasses at him, Dean wet his lips, “I, I didn’t think I needed them anymore.” He explained weakly.

“Okay, If I was to prescribe you another antidepressant, do you think you will take them?”

Dean shrugged, “I’m not sure.” He answered honestly.

“What about if I prescribed you something like for example, diazepam which you might have heard under the name Valium? That one I can prescribe so you take it only when you need it.”

Dean thought about it, “I thought that one was addictive.” He enquired.

Dr Marks nodded, “Yes, you can become addicted to it over time with regular use. “

Dean thought about it for a moment, “which one will be better?” he asked, not sure which one would help him more.

“I believe the anti-depressants would be more beneficial over time. “

Dean nodded, “Okay, well sign me up for those then. “ He didn’t want pills, but if it was going to help with his fears then what choice did he have?

Doctor Marks smiled and then moved to his desk and pulled out his prescription pad.  “I’m going to start you on a low dose of fluvoxamine, many of my patients have done well using it for Obsessive-compulsive disorders and Anxiety.”

He nodded and watched as the Doctor wrote on to the pad. “We will start with 50 milligrams and then see how that goes after a couple of months, this will take about two weeks to take full effect so if you don’t feel anything, to begin with, keep taking them. “ he stopped writing and looked up over his glasses at him. “And please do not just stop taking them, if you don’t want to take them anymore, we can ween you off them. If you feel they don’t’ work after a month we can either up the dose or try another one. “

Dean nodded; a part of him felt relieved,  ten years ago he threw the pills down the sink, but ten years ago he didn’t have someone that he couldn’t’ lose. This had to work, he wanted things to be better, he wanted Cas to have his own life without him feeling anxious whenever Cas was near a monster.

The doctor handed him the prescription and smiled, “You’ll be fine Dean, I can see how far you’ve come since the first time you came in here, and you’ll beat this too. I have faith in you.” 

Dean looked up from reading the prescription and  he found the man looking weirdly proud of him, which was rather creepy, “Uh, Thanks.” He replied and stood up as the man began to rise.

He shook the doctor’s hand and smiled, then moved around him to leave. “Thanks again, I appreciate you seeing me on short notice.” Dean waved and left the room.

Doctor Marks stared at the door for a moment longer, he smiled,  then turned back to his desk and brought up solitaire on his screen; being a healer was more fun than being a prophet he thought as he smiled and settled down for his lunch hour.

 Dean left the building and stopped just outside to look at the prescription and then looked around, he didn’t like the thought of taking pills, but he had to give this a shot; it wasn’t getting any better, he looked at the stores and found the pharmacy across the road and went over to fill the prescription.

He got back in his car and popped one out of the blister pack, he stared at it for a moment, “Well here goes nothing, “ he muttered to himself and unscrewed the lid of the water and knocked it back.

He started the engine and made his way back to the bunker.

When he got back, Sam, Eileen and Castiel was in the war room and stopped talking when he stepped through the door. He made his way down the stairs feeling their eyes on him.

“How’d it go?” Sam asked; looking up from his laptop.

Dean nodded, “it went well.” he raised the paper bag in his hand. “He gave me candy.” He smiled half-heartedly and moved into the kitchen.

He poured himself a coffee and heard footsteps and found Castiel beside him, “What did he say?” Castiel asked concerned.

“Nothing much; just said to take these pills and it would help. That’s it.” Dean moved to the fridge and looked inside, “Hey, feel like a cooking lesson?” he changed the subject as he peered over the fridge door.

Castiel opened his mouth and then closed it again, and then nodded; smiling shyly. “That would be nice. I only know how to ‘nuke’ things mostly.” He admitted.

Dean grinned, “Well, then a cooking lesson it is.” He pulled out the chicken that Eileen had planned for dinner.

He placed it on the sink draining board and then moved around the kitchen pulling out spices and margarine.

“Okay, so this is easy, like super easy, you put it in the oven and let it cook basically, “ he searched for a roasting pan and then moved everything to the island.

Castiel moved closer to stand beside him and he turned towards him; leaned closer and kissed him. Castiel kissed him softly and Dean cupped his cheeks with both hands for a moment before sliding them down to his waist and pulling him in closer. After a moment Castiel chuckled from deep in his throat and Dean pulled back, “what?” he asked confused.

“Maybe we should concentrate on this?” He gestured to the food awaiting preparation and Dean grinned. “Spoilsport.” He muttered but turned his attention back to the food.

“Okay, so first we wanna turn the oven on, preheat it to 370 Fahrenheit. “ Dean gestured to the oven, nodding his head for Castiel to do it while he leaned over to watch him.

He smiled fondly as he watched Castiel step closer to the oven; squinting, he looked smaller and much more vulnerable when he was trying to figure new things out.

Dean leaned behind him and pointed out the symbol above the nob. “This one is for the oven.”

Castiel nodded and turned the knob, and peered into the oven and then looked back at him. He giggled. “You need to hold that knob in after you turn it and then press this button.”

Dean covered Castiel’s hand with his own as he turned the knob and Castiel pressed the ignition button. They both sighed when they heard the Gas caught on the spark and the oven came to life.

“Okay, now we need to get the chicken prepped for the oven. “ Castiel nodded and turned back to the counter.

Dean stood behind him, pressed in close and looked over his shoulder. He pointed to the chicken, “Okay, so move that into the roasting pan. Castiel did as he was directed and then Dean pointed to the Margarine and Castiel picked it up; waiting for further instructions.

“Okay so you want about half a cup of this and you’re gonna put some of it into the bird.” Dean leaned over and placed a measuring cup in front of Castiel and then handed him a spoon.

He watched as Castiel carefully measured out the margarine to exactly half a cup and Dean smiled to himself, it was measured exact, unlike what he would do, it would always be ‘roughly’ the measurement.  He nuzzled Castiel’s neck, kissing softly and then lifted his head back to look over again.

“Okay, so now we’re gonna tilt the bird, and you're gonna put your hand inside it. “

Castiel turned his head to better look at him. “Why?” he asked, seeming confused.

“Well, to open it wider, when you put herbs and spices inside,  it tastes better when it cooked, the flavours and smells go into the meat. “ He explained the best he could and Castiel nodded and turned back and lifted the bird until it was vertical and then hesitantly slid his hand inside. He looked at the pepper and salt and then pointed to it. “Okay put some of that stuff in there.”

Castiel pulled his hand out of the bird and picked up the Pepper shaker and covered the entrance with it and Dean moved his hand over Castiel’s and helped him guide the shaker so it went inside rather than at the entrance, and then took it from his hand and replaced it with the salt. Castiel managed to put the salt inside without assistance and then looked to the side, waiting for further instructions.

Dean looked over and pointed to the cup of Margarine. “Okay,  we need four large spoons of this inside there too.” He picked up the spoon and scooped a large helping of it on to it and then handed the spoon to Castiel who struggled to shake the margarine loose from the spoon. Dean chuckled and leaned over to help by pushing it with his finger. Castiel managed to scoop the three remaining spoons by aggressively flicking the spoon.

Dean looked over and picked up the onion and placed it on the chopping board. Instead of asking Cas to do it, he quickly moved to the drawer and pulled out the vegetable knife and began chopping.

He handed Castiel the onion and indicated for it to be placed inside the cavity. Dean nodded. “Okay, that’s done. Now we gotta season the outside, so add salt and pepper and rosemary all over here.” Dean indicated the surface of the chicken and Castiel nodded and sprinkled the Pepper, Salt and rosemary onto the chicken.

“Okay, now we just put the Margarine around the chicken in blobs and then we’re gonna put her in the oven.”

Dean watched as Castiel focused on the job, he was adorable when he concentrated, he was laser focused and he bit his lip as he did so. Dean wanted to kiss him but he kept himself focused on teaching Cas how to cook.

Dean watched as Castiel moved the roasting pan to the oven and bent down low to place it on the tray; watching as his shirt rode and as he stood up, it excused his pelvis bone before the shirt finally fell back into place. He licked his lips and then as Cas turned to him, he smiled. “Well You did good, but the test will be when it’s cooked.” He grinned. “We still gotta do the potatoes and stuff but we do that in about half an hour.”

Castiel grinned and moved over to the sink to wash his hands and Dean moved behind him and began nuzzling at his neck. “You know, since we have like time to spare, wanna come lay now for a while?” He grinned and Castiel laughed and turned around in his arms and then cupped his cheeks with his dripping wet hands.

“I’m gonna take that as a yes.” He took hold of one of Castiel’s hands and pulled him out of the kitchen and to their room. He let Sam and Eileen know that the chicken was in the oven on his way past the war room.

 

 Over the next Five months Dean found it easier to hunt monsters with Castiel,  by the fifth month they travelled further away and Dean even suggested that they stay in town an extra night. Castiel was relieved to see Dean beginning to relax,  and becoming more easy going when it came to hunts, it wasn’t smooth sailing though, sometimes Dean would straight out say no to the hunt and Cas knew that Dean was having a bad day, the pills weren’t helping as much and so he would step back for a week to allow Dean to relax again.

All he wanted was for Dean to feel at ease, so he took the opportunities when they came, which is why they were in an empty factory, shielding themselves from view as they waited for one of the shapeshifters to come in their direction. It wasn’t a good idea to go out guns blazing when there were five of them standing around, apparently taking up residence in the abandoned factory. Taking them down one or two at a time was the best plan they could come up with. Sam and Eileen were on the other side of America and so backup wasn’t possible.

Dean turned to Cas an indicated with his head for them to move back a bit more, so he shuffled quietly back a few feet and then Dean whispered as quietly as possible, “Ones gone out the front door, there are three piling old manuals into the middle to start a fire and the fourth one  is slowly walking around, if he comes this way, I will take him from behind and you stab him in the heart if that doesn’t work, try and cut deep into the artery in his neck to distract him and I’ll take his head. We will put them in that storage room over there once their dead.” He nodded to the door that was across from them and Castiel nodded.

Dean turned back around and looked around the corner and gestured with his hand for him to get ready. Dean quietly moved back and they pressed themselves against the wall; hidden mostly by the shadows.

The moment the shapeshifter rounded the corner Dean sprung to action and took him from behind, snapping his neck as Castiel forced the blade through the shapeshifters ribcage and into its heart before the shapeshifter could alert the others. They moved him quietly as they could over to the storage room and Dean shoved him in and quietly shut the door.

They moved back to the wall and Deen peered around the corner again.

Castiel watched Dean as they waited,  Dean hunting gave him mixed feelings, on one hand, Dean was prepared for anything that could be thrown at him; no longer vulnerable but on the other hand, it was the path he hoped Dean wouldn’t find and he would live a normal everyday life. Naturally, he would be restless, he came from a long line of family who dealt with or investigated the supernatural world, but it still made him feel that he failed in what he wanted for Dean.

Dean turned to look at him and smiled, a spark just beneath the surface and then he turned back to watch the shapeshifters.-  Then there was that shift in Dean, he was more confident, seemed more alive and there was a spark that ignited when they hunted.  Hunting ran in his blood and nothing would ever change that. So, perhaps it wasn’t so much that he failed, but more defeated by fate.

He heard a noise come from behind him and as he turned the shapeshifter that left was behind him and was about to stab him, he raised his hand in defense and knocked the hand that held the blade and Castiel without thinking slashed the shapeshifters neck, it gasped and clutched its neck and Dean moved around and swung the blade across with a force that his head came off. Castiel looked up from where the Shapeshifter lay dead and grinned.

 He loved it when they both tag-teamed a monster, while came from the front another finished from the end and it made something run through his veins, part adrenaline but part lust. Was that normal? He dismissed the thought as it surfaced and helped Dean move the dead shifter into the storage room and tossed the head in after.

 Once the door was closed he pushed Dean against the door and kissed him once and then turned back to the wall, they needed to keep focused. Dean grinned and moved back to his position. If they could just take out one more, they would dispose of the other two easily enough.

After another hour both of them was becoming restless, it didn’t look like the shapeshifters were going to move from their ‘camp’ fire and so they moved further back in the passageway and started making a new plan.  Both pulling out their guns and loaded them with Silver bullets; they wouldn’t have long before they scattered and then came at them from different directions if they could take out two before they realized and ran… they would only have to take out the last one.

They slid their blades into the back of their belts and prepared themselves. “Make sure to get the heart.” Dean reminded and Castiel nodded.

They crept quietly from behind the wall and approached them, Castiel could hear the blood pumping through his ears, and the rush of adrenaline kicking in, he looked towards Dean and nodded and they both moved further away from each other, to cover the left and right side. As they neared they lined their sights and Castiel looked over to Dean who gave him the signal. He nodded and focused back on his gun and fired at the same time as Dean.

Dean’s shot missed the shapeshifters heart but he screamed in pain, one of them fell dead to the ground and the third one took off in the opposite direction. Castiel aimed his gun at him but adjusted so he was aiming just ahead and fired the gun. He smiled as he watched the Shapeshifter fall to the ground and turned to find Dean hovering above the injured one, and then fired two bullets into his chest.

Dean watched for a moment and kicked him in the side to make sure he was dead and then turned to him and grinned. “Ha, Monster zero,  Deanstiel five.”

“Deanstiel?” He asked; puzzled,

“Yeah well, it sounds cool. “ Dean explained weakly.

Castiel laughed, “I’m not sure if it sounds cool.”

Dean pouted, “Fine, see if you can find one better.”

They began walking out of the factory as they playfully teased each other, Castiel loved this side of Dean, he wouldn’t admit it but it was fun hunting when Dean was relaxed; seeing Dean with a gun was hot and it did so many things to him, and it was always more enjoyable when they got back to the motel and cleaned up; adrenalin still kicking through their veins.

 

 

 

 

 


	48. Cabin take two

** January 22nd, 2010 **

They pulled up at Rufus’s Cabin and Dean squinted his eyes, the place looked more run down than the last time they were there but it wasn’t anything that couldn’t be fixed, just a bit of TLC.

Dean leaned over and kissed Castiel and then opened his door to get out, Castiel dragged him back in and kissed him harder, a little reminiscent of the first time they were there; except this time he got the kiss and Dean smiled wide.

Dean leaned forward and looked up a the sky through his front window, “we should get in before that cloud opens up and we have to dodge the rain.” Castiel nodded,

They had chosen January to come to the cabin even though it wasn’t the best for the weather, but it was  9 years exactly from the last time they were there. They drove through town to see if the old diner was still there, and Castiel smiled when he saw that it was, and still operational.

They both got out of the car and moved to the trunk to collect their things and then took it to the front of the cabin and Castiel pulled out the keys and opened the door.

Dean waited for Castiel to step through and then he stepped inside, he looked around and grinned when he found the place exactly the same as it was when they got there 9 years before, they headed to the kitchen and put the grocery bags on the table.

Dean turned and kissed Castiel again, the difference this time was, Castiel wasn’t pretending to be a human and there were no hidden truths. This was basically a do-over; a first for Castiel, be on vacation for the weekend with Dean as a human, for real this time.

Dean moved back out to the Impala and pulled out more of their things and brought it back into the cabin, putting the beer in the fridge. Castiel brought in their bags and moved them straight to the bedroom while Dean closed the front door.

He quickly moved over to the fireplace and threw some logs and paper on to it and lit a match and started the fire. Once the fire took purchase on the logs and paper he stood up and moved to the bedroom. The cabin was cosy,  and it had a lot of good memories for him, he was excited to make new ones.

He found Castiel unpacking their bags and he grinned in the doorway, he weirdly enjoyed watching Cas being domestic; being human appeared to change a lot of subtle things about him and Dean enjoyed finding all of them.

As an angel, as much as he loved him, he seemed a little more detached than as a human; like when he smiled, it was different now because crinkles in the corners of his eyes were deeper, it gave the illusion at every pore on Castiel’s face was smiling. Of course, that probably was the silliest analogy he could think of, but it wasn’t far from the truth of how he sees him when he smiled.

He stepped behind Castiel and wrapped his arm around his waist and kissed his neck. “Leave the bags, we can do them in a bit,” Dean suggested, sucking a little mark on to his neck and Castiel tilted his head to allow better access.

“If it’s done now, then we won’t have to do it later,” Castiel explained.

Dean straightened up, pouted a little but moved to the side of him and picked up another bag and began pulling out the clothes and putting them in the available drawers.

He turned to look at Castiel, “whats up?” he asked, noticing something off.

Castiel sighed and stopped what he was doing, “Being here, it just brings back some memories. I was going to tell you I was an angel. It’s why I brought you here for the weekend. I wanted to tell you about me and Gabe and to keep you out of danger If Michael or Raphael found where we lived. I should have told you.” Castiel sat on the bed.

Dean gave him a soft smile, “You can’t change the past Cas, this is why we’re here now, to redo things, everything is out in the open, we can be here and create new memories.”

Castiel nodded, “I’m happy we’re here but there are many regrets that I wish I could change.”

Dean put his arm around Castiel and squeezed his shoulder. “I know, I have regrets too, maybe not about here, but it’s a normal thing, I don’t think there's' anyone in the world who doesn’t regret something. We learn from our mistakes,  that’s how we grow.”

Dean tried to encourage him and for a while, Dean thought it wasn’t working but then Castiel finally nodded. “You’re right.  I can’t change anything that’s happened, but I can make things right now.” He smiled and stood up and resumed unpacking the bag.

“It is weird being here again though, last time we were here, you were an angel and I was clueless about hunting. We’re back here now and You’re a human and we’re both hunters. So much has changed in 9 years. It feels like a lifetime ago instead of just less than a decade.” Dean shook his head in disbelief.

Castiel smiled, “Yes it does. But this time we’re going to make the most of it. “

Once they unpacked they moved to the kitchen and put away the groceries and began making dinner.

  Castiel started making the dishes he had learned to cook, then Dean showed him how to make burgers from scratch. They settled down in front of the fire and watched tv as they ate their meal.

After they finished eating, Castiel snuggled into Dean and watched the telethon for Haiti, Dean shook his head, “Why didn’t god help those poor people?” he asked,

 Castiel turned to look up at Dean. “I don’t know, I use to think things happened for a reason, my father had a reason for everything but I think that natural disasters are just apart of the cycle, if God interfered with all the disasters on earth, the world would be reliant on him. Look at what’s happening because of the earthquake… People stop what they are doing in their day to day life and turn their attention to people in need. It brings the heart forward and they become thankful for what they have. Then they give to those less fortunate. If God prevented it all, when would humans stop and offer up their hearts to others? “

Dean thought about it for a long time as he watched people call into the studio to pledge money, ”It’s still terrible, people losing their lives; especially children.”

Castiel hummed his agreement, “I can’t speak for God, but that’s what I see when disasters happen, I guess he would have his reasons for not involving himself. I used to be so confident in the word of God, I used to think that he knew all. Now, I just think he’s like any living being, stumble and falls and learns as he goes,”

Dean chewed on that thought, “I guess it makes sense.”

Dean swallowed hard and looked down at Castiel as ‘Lean on me’ played during the broadcast and he leaned forward, cracking his back as he did and kissed the top of Castiel’s head and then quietly joined on the chorus

♪Sometimes in our lives we all have pain  
We all have sorrow  
But if we are wise  
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong  
And I'll be your friend  
I'll help you carry on  
For it won't be long  
'Til I'm gonna need  
Somebody to lean on ♪

 

Castiel peered up as Dean’s voice cracked a little at the last line of the chorus close to the end of the song, and he took Dean’s hand in his own.

Dean felt a tear slip down his cheek and he wiped it away as the song ended. “I love you.” He whispered as he traced Castiel’s jaw with his thumb.

Castiel raised up and looked into Dean’s eyes, “I love you too, are you alright?” he asked looking concerned.

Dean nodded and smiled, “Yeah, I guess the song got to me.” He half laughed and sobbed at the same time.

Castiel moved closer and put his arm around him and he leaned into him resting his head on his shoulder. I wish there was more we could do for them. Dean nodded towards the TV.

Castiel turned back and watched for a few moments and then turned back. “We could donate something? I could have done more if I was an angel,”

Dean turned to Castiel and for the first time since he came back, Dean noticed a sadness behind his eyes. “Do you miss being an angel?”

Castiel looked at him and shook his head. “No, well not really, there are just times where if I was still an angel, I could have done something, it’s watching stuff like this that makes me feel like I should be doing something more. As a human, I do feel more helpless, but that’s apart of being human. Right?”

Dean nodded, “yeah, I suppose it is, There is a sense of helplessness, which is why we create things like this, it might not bring back those who died, but it helps rebuild;  helps them with food and water and medical assistance. “

Castiel nodded, “it shows the good in humanity.” He concluded.

Dean picked up his mobile and opened a new text message and type in“GIVE”, and then sent it. It wasn’t much but he hoped it helped in some way.

The telethon ended and Dean stretched and then looked to Castiel who was falling asleep. “I think we should get some sleep, it’s been a long day.” Dean nudged him gently and Castiel looked sleepily at him and nodded.

They made their way to the bedroom and stripped off and fell more than slid into the bed and snuggled close,  “Goodnight.” He whispered after several minutes, and he heard the heavy breathing that told him Cas was already asleep. He smiled and closed his eyes and drifted to sleep.

He woke up to the sound of Castiel flushing the toilet and he groaned at the light pouring through the window, neither of them had closed the curtains. He reached over and grabbed Castiel’s pillow and put it over his head. He heard the padding of Cas’s bare feet as he came back into the bedroom and then the curtains being pulled closed. Dean sighed and took the pillow away from his face.

“Morning”  he smiled as  Castiel shifted on the bed and laid back down, he snuggled closer once the other man was comfy.

Castiel smiled down at him. “Morning, You’re awake early.” He pointed out and Dean shook his head, “I’m not awake; it’s called sleep talking.” He grinned. “What time is it? I’d check but I don’t wanna move to look.” He explained.

“It's six thirty.”

Dean groaned, “Yeah too early, we’re on vacation, we should be sleeping till Midday,”

Castiel laughed, “We could do that at home, “

Dean shook his head, “nope, not with Sam and Eileen up at the crack of dawn, they are the noisest couple I’ve ever met.” He complained.

“Well, where do you want to go today?” Castiel asked, and Dean buried his face further into the blankets.

 “Nowhere, here’s just fine.” He heard Castiel laugh but it was muffled by the layers of blankets covering his head.

He peaked out and then lifted the blankets so they covered Castiel’s head too.

He grinned, “Hi.”  He scooted higher so he was closer to Cas.

“Hello,” Castiel replied and leaned in to kiss him.

Dean closed his eyes; feeling Cas’s dry but soft lips, and then moved his tongue to moisten them and pulled back.  “Do we really have to go out today?” he asked

Castiel shook his head, “No, we can stay here.” He leaned forward until Dean lay on his back and he crowded in on him and kissed him more demanding. Dean let his head fall back to the mattress and took what Castiel was giving greedily. This was how he loved his day to start, relaxed, lazily and kissing Cas.

They pulled apart and Dean stretched his arms and adjusted his position, mornings were also his favourite because ordinarily, they both sported matching erections which they helped each other out, although since Cas had already been out of bed, he suspected he was the only one who was sporting one and he sighed.

“I don’t like it when you’re up before me.” He could hear the pout in his voice and he almost laughed at how pitiful it sounded and Castiel looked at him confused.

Dean took Castiel’s hand and placed it on his raging boner and Castiel laughed. “Sorry.” He replied and then kissed him again as he wrapped his hands around his erection and Dean smiled.

Huh, what do you know, it works for him even if it’s just one-sided. He lifted his hips and Castiel increased the pressure and speed and Dean groaned; throwing his head back and pulling the blankets away from his face so he could breathe.

Castiel didn’t slow down until Dean came and then he pressed his lips against Deans, then leaned over to pull out of few tissues from the box and turned back to wipe his hands and Dean’s stomach.

“Well, that was a better start.” Dean smiled, then slid down under the blankets and positioned himself between Castiel’s legs. He pulled the blankets at the side of the bed,  so he could breathe and began kissing up the length of Castiel’s shaft until he reached the top, then sank his mouth down.  He lifted back up and swirled his tongue around the head of Cas’s erection.

He heard the deep-throated groan from outside of the blankets and sunk down again, he steadily repeated the same movements until he heard Castiel’s voice, weak and desperate calling his name, and he quickened the pace, adding his hands to help bring Cas to his orgasm, and then sunk down one more time and held himself there and swallowed. 

He slowly pulled off and climbed back up the bed and lay down beside Cas and looked at him, Castiel’s eyes were closed; looking blissed out and Dean grinned feeling proud of himself, knowing he was the one who put that look there.

He scooted closer and laid his head on Castiel’s chest and drew circles into his skin with his finger, he remained there for a few more minutes before nature called and he slid out of the bed; feeling the cold hit him and he shivered and quickly moved to the bathroom.

As he washed his hands he looked up into the mirror and found Castiel watching him; his hair was a mess and he still sported the relaxed smile. Dean picked up the toothpaste and his brush, he heard Castiel stepping into the bathroom so he reached over to grab Castiel’s toothbrush and past it to him.

Castiel thanked him and moved closer and squeezed the paste onto his brush.   

Dean scrubbed his teeth clean and then rinsed his mouth, and looked up to Castiel; waiting for him to do the same.

“So, maybe instead of cooking something this morning, we could go into town and see what they have at the diner?” Dean asked.

Castiel spat out the toothpaste and rinsed out his mouth and then straightened up. “I thought you didn’t want to go out today?”

Dean shrugged, “I’m awake now, if we get into town early, then we can get back and just laze around for the rest of the day. What do you think?”

Castiel shrugged, “Works for me if that’s what  you want to do.”

Dean smiled and pulled Castiel closer. “Hey, I’m happy to be where ever you are.” He heard his own words and rolled his eyes.

“I sound like a sap.” He stated and walked back to the bedroom to put some clothes on. Castiel followed him back in and pulled out his own clothes and started putting on his pants. “I don’t think you do.” Castiel finally replied into the silence.

 Dean turned to him as he threw on his shirt. “Yeah, I wouldn’t expect you to agree with me.” He chuckled and then picked up his watch and noticed he was still wearing the leather band, he looked over to Castiel, and then back to the band.

There was no reason for him to still wear it so he undid the strap and moved to Castiel, “Give me your wrist.” He said and Castiel stared at him curiously, “Seriously, give me it.” Castiel held out his wrist and Dean wrapped the band back around it. “I should have given you this back in 08 but well, I wore it for so long that I didn’t think about it.” He fastened the strap and looked up at Castiel. “There, back in its rightful place.” He smiled and leaned in and gave Castiel a chaste kiss and then straightened back up.

Castiel looked down at the band and ran his fingers over it and then smiled. “Thank you.”

Dean pulled off the ring, “You should probably have this back too, it might come in handy, “ He handed him the ring and looked at his hand, “My finger feels naked now, “ he observed, even though he still had his ring that Cas had brought him on it; it felt like something was missing.

Castiel licked his lips and stared at the ring and then pocketed it. “I’m not sure we really need them now that Gabriel is in control of Heaven.” He admitted.

 Dean smiled, “I miss him, he got on my nerves at times but he kind of grew on me. We should invite him around sometime.”

Castiel smiled and nodded, “yeah, that might be nice.”

Dean moved back to the bed and sat down to put on his shoes, once he was done he picked up his wallet and turned to Castiel and looked him up and down.

“Gotta say Cas, you’re looking hot today.” He grinned and moved around the bed again, and took in the tight black shirt and Jeans, very form fitting, he considered cancelling their breakfast date and take him back to bed, Castiel blushed, and Dean laughed.

It wasn’t often that he witnessed the man blushing and it was the most adorable thing he saw. “Aww, did I make you blush? You know you make it look adorable.” Castiel shook his head and turned and leaned down to pick up his own shoes and Dean couldn’t help stepping behind him and feeling the merchandise that was Cas’s ass.

When Castiel stood up he wrapped his arms around him for a second and let go and moved out into the lounge room.

He spent the next two days teaching Castiel to cook, which ended in a food fight, or more a “how much can we smear on each other” fight. Castiel came off the worst.

They watched a couple of movies and walked through the forest. They visited town one more time and visited the record shop; Dean found several led zeppelin single records.  They went into the bookstore where Castiel purchased two cooking books and two other books that he refused to show Dean.

The last stop was the grocery store,  Dean was ordered to stay in the car while Castiel went inside. Dean sat looking out the window, listening to ‘ramble on’, trying to keep his singing to a low level until Castiel came back with several bags which he kept away from Dean.

Dean was curious, he kept trying to glance inside them but Cas admonished him each time. He sighed and they headed back to the cabin.

Sunday morning came too soon, Dean groaned as he heard a clatter of pans fall to the floor in the kitchen and he blinked his eyes open.

“You alright in there?” he called out, and after a minute or two Castiel shouted back that he was. Dean leaned back with his arm behind his head; looking at the ceiling, they had one more day before they went back to the bunker and he felt happy; their time at the cabin was good for them, they got some quality time alone; got to learn more about each other. They learned more about ‘Castiel the human,’ What he liked and didn’t like. 

Every time he thought he couldn’t love Cas more, he would do something and more love swelled in his heart.

Castiel was hard to not fall in love with, and love, there was an endless amount.  He tried to think about life as a teen, and he couldn’t think past the day he met Cas, life truly was colourless before then; it held nothing to truly remember.

He looked towards the door when Castiel came in carrying a large tray and sat up, “Whats this?” he asked as the tray was placed carefully on the bed beside him.

Castiel joined him on the bed, “It’s breakfast.”  Dean turned to the tray and it was filled with an assortment of food;  Sausages, bacon, eggs, two slices of apple pie, burgers and toast.

He turned back to Castiel; feeling confused. Castiel leaned in and kissed him. “Happy Birthday.”

Dean thought for a second, “is it?” he asked, it couldn’t be the 24th already, time seemed different at the cabin; the dates didn’t  mean much. Castiel nodded and then laughed.

“You’re getting old and losing your memory.” He joked; grinning, then picked up a fork and stabbed at the sausage and offered it to Dean, he opened his mouth and allowed Cas to push it a little further in and then he closed his mouth and chewed, He watched Cas as  the guys eyes glanced down and watched Deans mouth and he carefully chewed the sausage and Dean smiled. Castiel raised his eyes back to his own and he quickly chewed the remainder of the sausage so he could talk without the risk of sausage shooting out. “You cooked all this on your own?”

Castiel smiled, “Yes, I followed the instructions in the cooking book. Is it okay?”

Dean nodded, ‘yeah it’s perfect.” Dean pulled Castiel forward and kissed him chastely and then turned towards the plate and stabbed one of the sausages, then brought it to Castiel’s mouth and waited for him to accept it. He put the fork down and waited while Castiel finished eating and then kissed his cheek.  “Thank you, You have no idea how much this means to me.” It was the most thoughtful thing that someone had done for him, and it made it more special that Cas; who was still learning to cook had put so much time and effort into doing it, even using cooking books to help. It was delicious too.

Castiel smiled, “it was nothing,” he grinned. “There’s more to come.”

Dean didn’t know what to say so he smiled and then handed Castiel his fork and picked up another for himself.

They ate in relative silence, and by the time all the food was gone Dean fell back on the pillow and rubbed his stomach. “God I’m stuffed.” He turned to Castiel who was in the process of moving the tray to the floor, and as Castiel straightened up he dragged him down close to him and kissed him and then rested their foreheads together.

Dean watched Castiel for a moment, “Hey, this might be a funny question, but, you have some kind of birthday, right?”

Castiel thought for a second and shook his head. “No, we don’t have birthdays, we weren’t birthed.”

“You need a birthday,  What day would work for you?” Dean asked, there was no way Cas was going to not have a birthday to celebrate.

Castiel shrugged.

Dean had an idea. “When did Gabe bring you back?”

Castiel shrugged, “It was some time in August.”

“Well, what about if we call that your birthday? ‘Cause it’s technically the time you came back to life and was human?”

Castiel shuddered at the memory, he had to break himself out of the casket, and climb 6 feet out of the earth, he didn’t want to remember that and shook his head.

“Well, if not then, when?”

Castiel looked at him shyly, Dean tilted his head, “what?” he asked.

“What about September 18th ?”

“Why then?”

“The day we met again in the barn,” Castiel explained.

Dean smiled, “Okay September 18th it is. What about a year? We can’t say you were born September 18th, 2008, it would make you only  1 year and 4 months old.”

Castiel thought about it… “What about  1976? That would make me 3 years older than you. “

Dean grinned, “Oh, I’m dating an older man.” He waggled his eyebrows and Castiel laughed.

“Okay, that’s settled. You’re 33 years old,”

They spent the day talking, playing cards and watching TV, Castiel started cooking dinner and banished Dean to the sofa or bedroom, he wasn’t allowed to look and Dean chuckled every time he heard a pan clatter to the floor in the kitchen.

Eight o'clock came around and Castiel called Dean into the kitchen and he stood stunned, unable to move from the doorway as he looked at the candles, the full roasted chicken meal that sat on it and the glasses filled with what he could tell was white wine judging by the bottle on the counter. Castiel smiled and stood beside the table.

He swallowed a few times and stepped forward still looking at the table. “You did this for me?” he asked as he looked up to Cas, he nodded his head proudly and Dean moved over and kissed him so deeply; hoping to show him how much he appreciated it. He was speechless.

When he pulled away, Castiel gestured to the seat, “it’s going to get cold, “ he added and Dean took his seat as Castiel sat opposite him, he looked at his plate, Cas made Roast potatoes, Chicken, stuffing, mash potato, something that he thought might be Yorkshire pudding; he had never tried it before so he could only guess from pictures he had seen, Dean lastly looked at some greens. It smelt delicious and Castiel lifted up a gravy jug and handed it to him, he poured the gravy over the plate;  making sure to drown the greens and then handed it to Castiel who did the same.

Castiel raised his glass towards Dean, “Happy birthday Dean, I hope we have many more to celebrate in the future.” Dean lifted his glass to Castiel. “Thank you, and I can’t tell you in words what all this means to me, I feel like I’m undeserving, it looks and smells delicious and… I seriously don’t have the words to express how I feel.” Castiel nodded,

“You don’t have to, you’re worth this and more, I wanted to show you what you mean to me, and I plan to.” Castiel grinned then winked and Dean tilted his head wondering what Castiel meant.

Castiel pointed at Dean’s plate with his fork, “Eat.” He commanded and Dean picked up his own fork and dug in.

The dinner was wonderful, and he felt himself melting as his teeth sunk into the chicken, it was cooked perfectly and he thought he tasted a hint of garlic, Cas has surprised him.

 Cas could cook, he didn’t need any lessons, just a few cookbooks. After he finished the meal, he decided, he was gonna buy Cas more books.  “That was really delicious, There’s nothing better than a home-cooked meal, except maybe pie. “

Castiel grinned. “I have one of those too,” He picked up the plates and placed them on the counter and pulled a baking dish out of the oven with oven gloves and put it in the middle of the table on a heat-safe mat.  He turned around and took two bowls and spoons from the counter and put them down on their dinner mats.

Dean looked at the pie and stared at Castiel; surprised. “Homemade?” he asked as he felt his mouth water, Castiel nodded proudly. “I got help with the recipe.” He added shyly.

“Who? “ he asked

“Gabe.”

Dean nodded and leaned forward to scoop a little of the pie onto his spoon, and Castiel warned him to be careful as it was still hot. He nodded and blew on it until it was cool enough and then put it into his mouth, he felt like he could melt, it was exactly like his moms; except there was a hint of something else which made it taste better. He looked up to Castiel, “Cinnamon?” he guessed and Castiel nodded.

“Well, I gotta tell ya Cas, I’m not sure If I could go back to roadie food after eating all this, you’ve ruined me. “

Castiel grinned and cut the pie and served two slices and then stepped to the freezer and pulled out a tub of ice-cream and added a scoop to each plate.

Dean felt his stomach expand as he started to eat the pie, he might need to work out the extra calories when they got back home; but it was worth it.

Once he was finished, he unzipped his Jeans, his stomach felt like it was about to explode and he felt tired, he smiled lazily over to Castiel and wondered what did he do right that he found someone who was as perfect as Cas.

“Not gonna lie Cas,  If I could, I would marry you right now.” He grinned.

Castiel smiled, “I don’t think that’s possible but I appreciate the sentiment.” He stood up and picked up the bowls and moved them to the sink, then turned on the tap.

“Hey, Cas, leave them, we can do them later, we can sit and watch TV or a DVD or something for a while, let the food sit.” He suggested, he couldn’t move much, he was completely stuffed.

Castiel turned off the tap, “we can do that.” He agreed.

 Dean stood up clumsily and moved to stand in front of Castiel and kissed him, he didn’t know what else to say, it had been a long time since anyone had really done something like this for him, and although he had celebrated  by parties being thrown, no one since his mom had made such a grand gesture like Castiel had.

By eleven o'clock both of them were ready for bed, or at least Castiel seemed to be; after his shower, he kept yawning and looking at the clock and Dean noticed the side glances Castiel was giving him.

He stood up and stretched, I need a shower he announced and leaned down to kiss Castiel, “meet you in bed?” he asked and Castiel enthusiastically nodded.

Dean moved to the bathroom and turned and quickly glanced in Castiel’s direction, and found Castiel quickly looking away and looking at his cuticles.

He drew his eyebrows together and wondered why he was acting so strangely but shrugged and moved into the bathroom and shut the door. He turned the taps of the shower and undressed; quickly brushing his teeth while he waited for the water and then stepped into it.

He let the spray run down his body for a while before he grabbed the soap and began washing. The day started and ended surprisingly good, and he found himself reflecting back to his last birthday at the cabin;  his 21st birthday, and now his 31st.

He chuckled to himself, maybe they should make it a thing every 10 years; they should stay in the cabin to celebrate his birthday, next one, 41st.

He frowned when he considered his age, and how fast the years were flying by, it wouldn’t be long before he would have grey hair, and bones that began to ache; although the latter was already beginning, his back ached more often than he would admit.

He rinsed off his hair and turned off the taps and stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around himself and left the bathroom. He turned to the sofa and found Castiel already gone and he stepped into the bedroom; looking to the candles on the drawers on both sides of the bed.

“What the?” he was about to ask what was going on but then he spied Castiel standing just in a towel beside the bed.

“Okay, so I thought this birthday couldn’t get any better, but you just topped it with being naked.” He grinned, and moved over to Castiel and kissed him; pulling the towel from around Castiel and then removed his own. He sighed as he felt their skin touch and deepen the kiss.

Castiel manoeuvred them so Dean had his back to the bed and then he pulled back and pushed him. Dean lost his balance and fell back on to it and leaned on his elbows to watch Castiel move to the draw and pull out three bottles.

Dean curiously watched Castiel unscrew one of the bottles and pour some of the liquid into his cupped palm, and then he looked up to Dean.

“Turn over on to your stomach.” He demanded.

Dean shrugged and moved to the middle of the bed, dragging his pillow over so he could rest on it and felt Castiel’s weight on him as he straddled his back.

Only moments later he felt Castiel's palms on his shoulder blades and he moaned when they dug into the muscles there; if he could have sunk down into the mattress, he would have.

 Castiel applied a firm even pressure, which was impressive; he felt a lot of strength in his hands; he must have had a magical ability to massage; unknotting every muscle he came across. By the time Castiel reached the pad of his feet, Dean felt boneless; except one which technically wasn’t a bone since it was a muscle.

Castiel broke through his relaxation as he commanded him to turn over, and he found it hard to gather enough energy to make his muscles move, and he felt triumphant once he was laying on his back, watching Castiel as he started from his feet and slowly made his way up both thighs.

Dean wasn’t a shy man, he never was, but he felt himself blush when Castiel neared his groin, his erection was standing proud and tall and wanting some attention and Dean decided to lay back and look at the ceiling, if he couldn’t see it, then maybe he wouldn’t feel so shy.

Cas moved up across his stomach and then to his chest, and Dean watched as he came up closer, Cas looked up and stared into his eyes and he felt like the guy was looking deep into his soul and he couldn’t release his gaze, he felt like a deer caught in headlights.

 Castiel smiled and that broke the trance; Dean couldn’t help but pull him down and kiss him fiercely.

Dean whined as Castiel pulled away after a minute and slowly moved back down his body again and Dean closed his eyes, trying to control himself but he had a hot, handsome man close to his cock, face mere inches away and it wanted attention.

Dean let out a surprised moan when slippery warm hands slid down his erection and he lifted his hips off the bed; needing more friction, it was almost agony.

 Castiel chuckled and turned himself around; sitting on him with his back to him, effectively using his own weight to keep Dean’s hips down and Castiel moved between massaging his erection and his balls.

Dean looked down to marvel at his ass and then ran his hands down Castiel’s spine, he moaned out loud as a finger slipped inside of him and the feeling felt both pleasurable and weird; lube had a different consistency to the oil and it made Castiel’s fingers feel warmer and less noticeable; lacking friction. Dean took hold of Cas’s hips and automatically tried to lift his own; which caused him to groan in frustration. He heard Castiel chuckle, and he reached down between Castiel’s legs and began massaging his balls just as Castiel’s second finger slipped inside; his other hand still firmly gripped around Dean, gliding up and down at a slow pace.

Dean tried to keep his concentration on what he was doing and cupped Castiel’s testicles in his hand and gently squeezed, he felt triumphant when he heard Castiel groan from the pleasure and he leaned forward a little, allowing Dean more access to stroke Castiel's erection; resulting in Castiel forgetting what he was doing and he smiled, it allowed him more time to do what he wanted.

He moved his hand back and then firmly placed his hands on both thighs and pulled, indicating that Cas should move back up towards him, Cas did as he was asked,Dean shifted his weight and manoeuvred them so they were both on their sides; Castiel straightening out his legs, and he wasted no time as he leaned forward and took Castiel's erection into his mouth,

Castiel’s voice was barely a rumble as he panted and looked down at him,  “Dean, are you trying to kill me?” Dean smiled, his only reply was sucking harder and then pulled Castiel closer to him; which resulted in Dean taking Cas to the back of his throat.

Things turned in to a haze of desperate touches and thrusting; Castiel adjusted his position and sunk down onto Dean; both men groaning out the pleasure, both slick with oil over their bodies, it was the hottest thing Dean had ever experienced and it was a memory he was going to relive many times in the future.

Castiel pulled away as he was close to cumming, Dean let out a sound of disappointment while Castiel moved to kneel. “On your knees Dean.” Castiel’s voice was deep, his eyes were dark and Dean felt a flutter of excitement run through his erection and up his spine and he shuddered at the sound of his voice. He quickly turned around and got up onto his hands and Knees and waited with a sense of anticipation as Castiel moved behind him and gripped his hips.  He moaned out as Cas pushed in and was fully seated to his balls in just one move.

He waited a few seconds and then pulled almost out and once again pushed back in hard; nailing Dean’s prostate.

“God.”  Dean moaned out as he tried to steady himself as the first wave of pleasure coursed through him, the manhandling just added something more into the mix, it was heavenly.

 Cas pulled back out once more, his hands gripping a little harder on Dean’s hips and then he slammed forward as he Pulled Dean back to meet his thrust. Dean shouted out as another wave of pleasure shot through him; unable to keep the sounds quiet.  Then Cas changed pace and slowed down; creating small thrusts that kept him at the right angle which allowed him to keep rubbing against his prostate.

 Dean felt that pleasure building in his pelvis, he breathed out and squeezed his eyes closed tight as the feeling increased in intensity, he could feel something tightening, coiling deep in his pelvis, almost like he needed to relieve himself but not quite and the pace increased a little; rubbing quicker against his prostate and then he found himself making sounds he had never heard himself make as the pleasure swept through his body in waves; waves that kept rolling through him with an intensity he had never felt before.  He felt warm fluid hit his stomach and chest, his body was trembling and spasming. Castiel remained still and rubbed his back and he tried to catch his breath. Holy shit, what was that?  Castiel remained still and seated inside him as he waited for Dean to recover and Dean turned his head and all he could do was smile.

Cas leaned forward and kissed him, “Did you like that?” he asked, all Dean could see was the smirk and he said the first thing that entered his mind. “Bastard.” He giggled.

Castiel smiled and straightened back up, Dean slowly got himself back onto his knees properly and tried to hold himself up as Castiel slowly started a steady pace again, this time avoiding his prostrate where ever he could. Dean was thankful, he was muscle weak and still catching his breath.

He increased his speed and it didn’t take long before he began to lose his pace, and soon after Castiel moaned out his own release, shuddering and then gradually slowed down until he fell against Dean’s back and kissing his spine.  After a short time, he moved to lay beside Dean.

Dean dropped himself back down onto the mattress, his legs felt stiff as he straightened them and then cringed at the cold sticky mess below his stomach.

Castiel lifted his hand and stroked Dean’s cheek. “I hope I made this birthday memorable.” He smiled sweetly, but then it changed into a grin; the bastard knew what he had done.

Dean smiled. “The only way I’ll forget today is if I have Alzheimer's when I grow older.”

Castiel smiled, “I’m glad, but, we should probably shower.”

Dean shook his head. “Sorry, but you’ll have to carry me, my body doesn’t have the strength. “

Castiel smiled, “Okay.” He said suddenly and Dean turned to tell him to wait but by the time he gathered his thoughts he was in Castiel’s arms and slowly moving towards the shower. Dean laughed as he felt Castiel’s oily hands slip on his equally oily skin, a little nervous that he was about to be dropped. Surprisingly after Castiel jolted him a few times until he had a firmer grip,  he was held tightly and stepped into the bathroom and lowered Dean carefully so he could stand on his own feet.  

“You say you don’t have the strength? You just carried me bridal style into the bathroom! “ Dean chuckled and kissed him.

They showered and fell into bed and Dean picked up his mobile to check the time and noticed a missed Call and a message from Sam. Dean opened the message and grinned.

“Hey, I got a message from Sam, “

“Oh? Are he and Eileen okay?” Castiel asked as he moved closer to peer at the mobile.

“Yeah, I would say he is. He and Eileen are getting married.” 

 


	49. Weddings and Engagements

** February 17th, 2012 **

Dean smiled proudly as he watched Sam kiss Eileen and then turn and walked down the aisle. That was his little brother, all grown up and married. He wiped his eyes a few times; a mixture of joy and sadness, his brother was grown; he no longer needed him, but he grew up and became a good man.

He stood up and moved to the end of the row of chairs as the newlyweds drew closer.

When they closed the gap between them and stopped, he hugged them both; congratulated them, and then watched as they slowly made their way up and out of the doors of the chapel.

He wished his parents were there to see him, he felt a hand press at the small of his back and he turned to find Cas looking concerned, “Are you alright?”

Dean nodded, “Yeah, just thinking how proud mom and dad would be if they were here.”

Castiel smiled, “I heard that Gabriel will be showing them the ceremony when he gets back to heaven.” Dean looked at him, his brows drawing together,

“Can he do that?” He asked,

“Well, he shouldn’t, it’s against rules but Gabe has never cared for them, remember the apple pie he made you?” Castiel watched him as Dean clearly was putting it together.

“He got it from mom?” he asked shocked.

Castiel nodded, “He risked a lot back then, but now that he is in charge, he thinks he can make up new rules.”

Dean laughed and felt happy about this information, so his mom and dad will get to watch their son walk down the aisle and they’ll see Eileen, this news afforded him the chance to enjoy the day more, especially the wedding reception. It also confirmed to him that His parents were together in heaven. He turned and kissed Castiel, deeper and longer than he intended and he laughed as he pulled back and pulled Castiel out of the chapel and into the Impala. The day was turning out so much more awesome than he expected.

By the end of the reception, Dean and Cas were merrily drunk and already waved goodbye to Sam and Eileen as they went off to enjoy a weekend honeymoon.

They had the bunker to themselves and once they were back in the place and showered and ready for bed, Dean started thinking about his own life with Castiel; watching his baby brother get married and seeing how happy the couple were together, it got him thinking about what it would be like married to Cas, making vows and making it legal. The problem was; Castiel didn’t have a birth certificate, but that probably could be fixed easily. After all, he was friends with someone who was awesome and was good with computers and creating new I.Ds and hacking into corporations.

He waited for Castiel to join him in bed and turned to face him.

“Today was awesome.” He said, fishing a little, hoping to garner Castiel’s thoughts on the idea of them getting married.

Castiel slid closer and they lay almost nose to nose.

Castiel nodded, “It was a nice day, especially when we got to celebrate something good.” Castiel smiled. “I always thought that Jessica and Sam were meant to be together. Sam was going to ask her to marry him, but then she died. I always thought that was the only thing that kept Sam and her apart. “

Dean smiled. “I guess sometimes changing things don’t change much at all?” He offered.

Castiel nodded, “Yes, so it seems; changing what happened that night, didn’t completely change your lives, certain things still happened;  perhaps even meant to happen and weren’t fluid. Fate is tricky if something is meant to happen and it doesn’t. Fate will come along and attempt to correct it. “

Dean remained quiet for a moment as he thought through what Castiel said, “Do you think that fate might push us apart? I mean you said you and alternate me were never together, do you think that’s apart of fate?” He felt a little concerned with the idea that they weren’t meant to be.

Castiel shook his head, “If you and I were set in time to not happen, we wouldn’t have, and we definitely wouldn’t be here now.  Fate is complicated, I’ve met several of the angels who correct altered times-“

“Wait, fate is controlled by angels?”Dean asked; surprised, he thought fate was some energy thing if it existed, he never considered it actually being some entity of some kind, and definitely not angels.

Castiel nodded,” Angels of fate are separate to the angels in heaven, they have their own boss, Just like reapers have their own boss. They don’t answer to God directly.” Castiel explained.

“So reapers are angels too?” Dean asked he had so much to learn.

Castiel nodded.

“So if you saved someone who wasn’t meant to be saved…?” Dean asked,

“Then angels of fate will correct it and the person will die another way,”  Castiel confirmed.

“So when you said mom was meant to die?”

“Nothing could have been done to save her, if your dad didn’t fall asleep that night, she could have died by drowning, or slipped in the shower, or be electrocuted.  It still would have happened in one way or another.” Castiel spoke softly,

Dean remained quiet for some time thinking about the weight of that information, “And there’s no way to stop it?” Dean asked curiously, “Like there’s no way to outrun them? “

Castiel shook his head, “No.”

“Jess’s death wasn’t fated?” He asked,

“No, her death wasn’t fated, she died because a demon killed her to keep Sam on track; fewer distractions, her death wasn’t something that would change how the world was.”

Dean nodded and then realized they were way off track to where he wanted to be, he wasn’t gaining any input into Castiel’s thoughts of getting married.

“Have you thought about marriage?” Dean asked, a little quietly, unsure if he wanted to hear Castiel’s answer.

“I haven’t given it much thought, until 3 and a half years ago, I was an angel; well technically, I haven’t been an angel for 11 years, but I chose to be human almost four years ago, I’m still getting used to being a human.”

Dean could see the white of Castiel’s teeth as he smiled, “Yeah, I guess there’s that.” He grinned back into the darkness.

“What about you, have you thought of being married?” Castiel countered.

Dean shook his head, “No, I never thought marriage was in the cards for me, after mom died, I didn’t really think about a future for myself, I always thought about Sam getting married and settling down, but not myself.”

 He didn’t realize how much he gave up on life before his life even started. He really did live his life for Sam. That revelation was both eye-opening to him but it also made him feel sad, that he gave up on everything.

Castiel moved closer and slid his arm beneath Dean’s head, Dean responded by lifting his head and shifting closer and tangling their legs. It felt so comforting being wrapped within Cas’s arms and feeling his body close.

“What about now though?” Castiel asked curiously.

Dean thought about it, should he tell him the truth? Would Castiel run from the idea and from him if he did? He felt Castiel’s arms tighten slightly and he cleared his throat. “I think I like the idea of marriage.” He held his breath and waited for Castiel’s reaction.

“Me too.” Castiel said after a few minutes, “I think, it would be nice to be married.”

Dean smiled and leaned in to kiss Castiel, once they broke away he turned on the spot and Castiel adjusted his arms and body so he lay flush against his back and then wrapped his arms tightly around him.

As Dean started to drift off to sleep, he was pulled back from the brink of sleep, “We should get married.”

He opened his eyes and wondered if he had dreamt that he heard Castiel say it, and he turned his head, “What?” he asked quietly.

“We should get married. Unless you don’t want to?” Castiel leaned forward and kissed Dean’s temple.

Dean turned around and looked at him. “Are you proposing to me?” Dean asked teasingly.

Castiel chuckled, “I guess I am.” He admitted,

Dean grinned. “Well I’m sorry but you’re gonna have to do better than that if you wanna marry me.” Dean teased.

Castiel chuckled but then sobered up and the room fell silent and Dean started to panic; he took the teasing too far and now Cas was going to freak.

“Dean Winchester, “ Castiel began and Dean held his breath, Castiel  leaned up and pushed Dean onto his back and hovered above him, and lightly kissed him, “Will you do me the honour of becoming my husband?” He lightly kissed the corner of Dean’s mouth and Dean stared up, shocked, they were really doing this?

He was planning on proposing; getting a ring and everything, but it seemed now that Cas had got there first and a part of him as a little annoyed but another small part was anxious. However there was a larger part was happy and he pushed aside the smaller feelings and smiled and looked Castiel straight in the eyes, “Yes.” He whispered and Castiel's mouth crashed down on his.

Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel, his hand running through his hair, tasting the spearmint toothpaste that Castiel had used; lifting his hips instinctively, Castiel groaned at the friction and lifted himself up, keeping his body just out of reach of Dean.

Dean whimpered at the loss of friction and tried pulling Castiel’s hips back down but Castiel lifted his head slightly and he could feel the smile as their lips barely touched.

“Tease.” Dean accused, his voice rough from lust and Castiel chuckled.

“On your hands and knees,” Castiel commanded in a roughened voice.

Dean grinned, he liked it when Castiel took control, it allowed him to assume a less responsible role and allow Cas to take the lead, and not to mention that Dean liked it rough sometimes. He rolled over and pulled himself up as Castiel leaned over to the drawer. He heard a snap of a lid and felt himself grow harder, they didn’t have sex in this position often enough so when it did happen, it always sent him insane waiting; anticipating the rough handling.

He felt the first finger probe his entrance and he rested his forehead against the pillow and closed his eyes, waiting for the teasing touches, for some reason Castiel seemed more interested in making him plead; beg for more in this position, and he wasn’t exactly fond of that part, but he was always rewarded.

Dean moaned out when he was fully stretched and ready, and he looked back at him and breathed heavily, “Cas.” He pleaded.

Castiel pulled out and aligned himself, and placed his hands on Dean’s hips and pushed in without warning, Dean hissed at the sudden intrusion but was quickly replaced with pleasure as Castiel angled himself enough to nail his prostate.

 He pushed his face into the pillow to muffle his moans out of habit so Sam wouldn’t hear.

“Dean, lift your head, I want to hear you,” Castiel demanded in a deep commanding voice that always had Dean snapping to attention and it sent something right up his spine. He pushed himself more on to his arms and lifted his head, and moaned as Castiel nailed his prostate again.

“Fuck!” Dean shouted out and fell back down but turned his head so he wasn’t muffled into the pillow as Castiel slammed into him at a very fast, hard pace. Dean couldn’t keep the moans quiet as his eyes flashed with white spots each time his prostate was hit and he could feel his stomach coiling tight, his balls were tightening and he just needed a few strokes and he would be undone, but he knew not to touch himself; not until Cas gave him the go-ahead to do so, or when Castiel touched him instead.  

When Dean was coiled tight, a pleasure washed over him that made his body jelly. It was intense once he had his release and Cas knew this, he accidentally found in the Cabin. Dean both cursed and loved the discovery.

Castiel jack hammered into him, his hands gripping Dean’s hips tight; he would have hand prints in the morning and that thought made him moan out; he really needed to cum and then it was there, Castiel leaned down and reached his hand around as he continued to thrust into him, but at a slower pace and brought Dean to his explosive, intense orgasm that made him shout into the pillow; making obscene sounds that he should feel embarrassed about; if it wasn’t for the fact that Cas got off on it and would join him as he fell over the edge, he probably would be embarrassed..

Castiel groaned as he pushed in one last time and stilled, still stroking Dean through the last of his orgasm, leaning his forehead against his back and breathing heavy. Castiel began a slow gentle pace and then slowly pulled out and fell to the side of Dean.

Both exhausted and breathless. Dean laughed, feeling elated; he always did after,  he turned his head to look at Cas. “You know, we don’t do it that way often enough.” He laughed but couldn’t move, he was so damn heavy and if it wasn’t for the damn wet spot beneath him, he would be able to sleep; maybe he should keep a thick towel beside his bed, one that could lay beneath him at least then, the wet spot would stay on the towel and he could just throw it on the floor. He made a mental note of that, maybe he would get some in the morning and put them in the drawers for next time.

Castiel brought up his arm and rubbed Dean’s back. “If we did it more often,  I think I’d be too tired to hunt.” Castiel pointed out,

“True, but it builds stamina.” Dean chuckled.

“Hey, you’re not the one who’s doing most of the work.” Castiel teased and then laughed as Dean moved his hand enough to the side to smack Castiel’s ass.

“I don’t have a problem doing the work, but you seem to prefer me under you than on top of you.” Dean teased; but it was also true, Cas didn’t seem to like Dean on top, he seemed to like having the control.

Castiel nodded, “I know, I like it this way.” He reassured and began running his fingers slowly over Dean’s back,

Dean looked at him, becoming thoughtful and then spoke quietly, “I was planning to propose to you, so since ya got their first, I’m getting you the ring, to make it even.”

Castiel nodded, but then shook his head. “We can both wear a ring.”

Dean was puzzled, it was customary for one to wear a ring, but then, it’s not conventional to marry an ex-angel turned human either. He smiled, “Agreed.” He said and  Castiel smiled, leaned down and kissed him one more time before he groaned and pushed himself out of the bed.

Dean whined, he had to move but he didn’t want to, however, the wet spot was seriously becoming annoying beneath him. He pushed himself up and half slid off the bed, and then steadied himself as he stood. He pulled back the blankets and then took hold of the sheet and yanked it until it came off and then chucked it in the corner of the room.

Castiel came back into the room with another sheet and they both slowly put it on and then put the other blankets back on.

Dean walked unsteadily to the bathroom and cleaned up, he didn’t want a shower so a hot washcloth would have to do and then once he was done, he got back into the bed, Castiel held the blanket up so he could slide in and once he was snuggled up in front of Castiel, he dropped the blankets down, The air was chilly and it felt awesome being wrapped in Castiel’s arms; pressed against his warm body. Castiel’s arms drew him closer and he tightened his hold on him and Dean closed his eyes. “Good night Cas, I love you.”

“Love you too, “ Castiel sleepily replied,

Dean’s eyes fell closed and felt his exhausted body sinking into the mattress, his whole body felt sated and he smiled as he fell to sleep.

 

 

 

 


	50. Chapter 50

** April 21st, 2015 **

It was a warm spring day, everyone was arriving and Dean stood looking out over the garden. It was decorated with an array of flowers and the chairs matched both the sky and grass. He smiled and turned around as he heard a knock on the door.

“Come in,” he called out as he picked up his bow tie off the bed and stood in front of the mirror.

“Have they arrived?” Dean asked as he noticed Sam step behind him.

Sam smiled at him through the mirror and Dean fumbled with the bow; trying to tie the bow properly. He sighed and turned around to face his brother. “I told you that we should have gotten clip on ones.” He indicated to the mess that resembled nothing like a bow.

Sam snickered and began to untie it. “Cas wanted real ones, remember? It’s not his fault you lost 2 games of rock, paper, scissors.”

“I swear Sam, he cheated. Probably has some mojo left in his veins and read my mind.” Dean replied, wondering if that could be possible.

“Dean, I love you, but you suck at it. Cas won fairly.”

Sam stood back at looked at him, then stepped forward and adjusted the bow again and then nodded. “Done.”

Dean turned back to the mirror and buttoned up his suit jacket. “How is he?” Dean missed him, they hadn’t seen each other since the day before, Cas wanting to do things properly.

Sam nodded, “He’s good, he’s a little nervous about the fake birth certificate but apart from that, can’t wait.”

Dean grinned. “Makes two of us.” He turned around. “Where’s Eileen?”

“She’s helping him with his bow tie.” Sam laughed,” he complained about his bad choice of real ones too. “

Dean laughed, “Serves him right.”

“Dean, I want to thank you for everything you’ve done for me, I know it was hard for you, taking care of your kid brother when you were just a kid yourself, but you have always been there for me.  You deserve to be happy; both of you.” Sam turned away trying to hide his face as he swiped away tears. Dean took advantage of that moment to pinch the bridge of his nose and wipe his eyes and collect himself.

“Hey, no chick flick moments, remember?” Dean sniffed a little; giving himself away.

Sam chuckled and turned back. “You and Cas are mine and Eileen's goal, to go through everything that you have and come out of it more in love, more determined and stronger than before. “

Dean smiled; nodding slightly. “I feel like I am the luckiest man on earth today, but you and Eileen, you have something special going on. You’ve been married three years and I’ve never known you two to disagree on anything. “

Sam smiled, “She’s the best part of me.” He grinned as he watched Dean roll his eyes.

“Okay enough corny mushy shit, let’s get me married!” Dean picked up his boutonnière and put it into place and left the room.

This was it, after today he would be husband to Castiel Winchester, and he felt both excited and nervous.  It took a lot of planning, a lot of invitations and prayers were made, a lot of organizing and many disagreements on what they both wanted but they finally came to a compromise. 

He walked down and smiled at everyone as he stepped quickly down the aisle and took his place at the front where Sam joined in a few minutes later.

He looked around at everyone and then turned to the front. His hands were clammy, it was a little warmer than he expected and the sun was high in the sky.

“Cas will be here in a few minutes,” Sam whispered and looked back at him, back to the doors leading to the garden and Dean nodded.

He felt a little more nervous; trying to remember to breathe and he began to worry about forgetting his vows or messing them up. What if Cas changed his mind and left? Sam nudged him with his elbow and he looked up to him. “Relax Dean, it’s natural to be nervous but you don’t need to be, you’ll do fine. Do you remember how nervous I was?” Sam started to chuckle at the memory.

Dean remembered Sam throwing up just hours before they were married, freaking out that Eileen would change her mind, then to the part when Eileen finally stood beside him at the front and he loudly expressed his relief and made everyone laugh.

Dean chuckled. “Yeah, that was some pretty intense breakdown dude.”

Sam shrugged, “Exactly, it’s gonna be fine.” Sam turned and looked at the back of the house and then nodded as the orchestra began to play.

Dean was about to complain about the choice of music until his eyes met Castiel’s and his words were caught in his throat. Castiel looked handsome, but hot too.  Castiel watched him as he stepped forward towards him smiling; there was no weird ass march, just Cas walking down with Eileen and Ellen either side of him.

Neither of them looked away,  their eyes were locked and he felt all the tension melt from his body. “Mine forever,” was his only thought.

Castiel stepped beside him and smiled a little shyly and Dean raised his eyebrows. Cas had not been shy about anything for a long time and that shyness made him look young, and Dean smiled; then took his hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze, nodding his reassurances.

As the marriage officiant cleared his throat, the two men turned towards him.

“We’re gathered here today to witness the joining of these two- Geez, who the hell wrote this boring dribble.” Bobby tossed the paper he was reading behind him and then looked at both men.

Everyone laughed and Dean grinned.

“We all know why we’re here, so we can finally see this idjit and this idjit finally tie the knot.” Bobby looked at them and the crowd laughed louder. Dean rolled his eyes and looked behind him to the guests. “He’s just grumpy because he hasn’t had his nap yet today.” He felt a slap to the back of his head and turned back laughing. The crowd roared with laughter. “Now enough with that boy, I have twice the stamina than you.” Bobby grinned. “Okay, let's get this done so we can get to the part we are all here for; the party.”

Bobby paused and looked at Dean and then to Castiel and sobered; smiling genuinely.

“I have never seen two people more committed as I have you two, you have been to hell and back; quite literally for each other; your bond is so profound and I’m proud to be standing here today and officiate your marriage.”  Bobby paused and he cleared his throat. “It’s an honour that I will cherish. “ He wiped his eyes with his tissue and turned to Dean. “Do you take Castiel to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward?”  

“I do.” Dean's eyes were fixed on Castiel’s, everything else fell away until Castiel replied to the unheard question from Bobby. “I do.” Dean looked back to Bobby and then turned around to take the ring from Sam; nodding his thanks and then turned back as Castiel did the same.

Dean reached for Castiel’s hand and held it gently in front of him.

He cleared his throat, “With this ring, I vow to let you control the music and drive the Impala once a month but, not when it’s raining; because the roads are slick with oil and you gotta know how to make them-“

He stopped as he Sam cleared his throat loudly enough for him to hear and so he moved on to the next part.

“ I vow to teach you what Netflix and chill means and it doesn’t mean what you think it does because honestly, I’m not sure how long I can sit and watch another marathon of touched by an angel-“

Sam cleared his throat again and Dean shook his head and shot Sam a dirty look.

He turned back to Castiel, looking sideways one last time, and cleared his throat again.” Okay seriously. I am not great with words and it took me a long time to try and write something for my vows to you but in the end, I stopped thinking about it. A wise woman told me to feel with my heart instead of thinking with my head.” He looked at Ellen and smiled and returned his attention to Castiel. “ I haven’t written this down because I don’t need to; I feel it every time I look into your eyes. This is what I feel.

I vow to love you until the end of time and even then if there’s still away, I will find it just to keep loving you.

I vow to  Cherish and respect you for as long as I exist.

You, Castiel are my heart and soul and when you’re not around there’s a piece of me that’s missing.

From the moment you crashed into my room in that hospital you have been my everything.

My best friend, my hero and my love. I couldn’t live a single day without you.

I vow to always fight for us, to never let you go; and now that I’m saying that out loud; it sounds super creepy.

But you are the best parts of me and I give this ring with a commitment to be with you through everything, and not just until death but on to the next part too.”

Dean slipped the ring on to Castiel's finger with ease and blew out his relief that his part was over, he lifted his own hand and placed it in Castiel's and looked up into the deep ocean of his eyes.

Castiel smiled, “I don’t know how I can beat that, but I’m going to try.” He whispered and then grinned.

“I remember when my brother pulled me back as I stood on the shore; I wasn’t’ always sure-footed and almost stepped on this newly created fish.  He told me to be careful because our father had big plans for it. I’m glad I didn’t step on it; because I would have never met you “

Dean felt his heart grow, Castiel seemed shier than before and his eyes flicked away for a moment and licked his lips before he turned his gaze back to him.

“I’m so old; or at least my existence is,  I spent many years watching over humanity and I didn’t glance twice at any human; or even an angel, I was sure in my role, I commanded my own garrison but it took one look from you and everything I believed in, everything I knew for certain disappeared in an instant.

It was as if the universes celestial focused shifted and all I could see was you.

I vow to love, cherish and honour you for the rest of my existence, to serve you, be there with you every step of the way through smallest of things to the grandest, and I vow to be there when you wake in the morning and fall to sleep at night. 

I love you, and I don’t think I could ever say everything that encompasses how I feel. Dean Winchester, You are my universe, you’re the life that gives me life.”

Castiel glanced down and pushed the ring on to his finger.

Dean looked at the ring, wiggling his fingers and watched as the sun caught the blue stone in the centre. They had opted for green and blue gems; Blue one for Dean to represent Castiel, and Green for Cas, to represent Dean.  Dean felt speechless, feeling his throat convulsed as he tried to stop the tears that threatened to fall.  He turned away and pretended to sneeze so he could wipe his eyes. He glanced up at Bobby, who winked at him but smiled.

“With all that said. I now pronounce you husbands, you may kiss! “

Dean moved in and pulled Castiel roughly to him and kissed him, and for a moment, everything else faded away, it was just him and Castiel. They were married, they actually did it. He pulled away and took Castiel's hand in his and they turned towards their guest and raised their linked hands to the applause and cheers and a few whistles, he turned to Castiel grinning. “So Mr Castiel Winchester,  the last ‘first’ complete.” He laughed and Castiel grinned. “This one, I think is my favourite ‘first.’” He responded and Dean chuckled and leaned in to kiss his cheek and then walked down the aisle, and hugged Ellen, Jo, Charlie and Eileen on his way down. Charlie threw herself at Castiel and Dean barked out a laugh when Castiel toppled to the ground. “Hey Charlie, Hands off, he’s mine!” he scolded her playfully.

She laughed, “Share?” she asked, and then turned to help him back up.

“I’d be worried if you were into men.” He grinned at her and pulled her in for another hug; kissing her head. “You know, we haven’t seen enough of each other, I’ve missed you.”

She looked up and smiled, “I’ve missed you too,” he pulled her in for one more hug and then pulled back. “ I’ll see you at the reception? “ he asked as he looked behind him as Castiel greeted Hannah, Samandriel, Gabriel and Balthazar. “I am shocked and appalled that you even have to ask that!” Charlie retorted pretending to be offended. He laughed and then moved away to join Castiel.

“I’m glad you could make it.” He said a little stiffly to the ensemble of Angels, but his gaze turned to Gabriel and he grinned, then he fell back a step as Gabriel hugged him. “lovely wedding.” He joked, and Dean laughed, “Yeah, you and Cas did an amazing Job with it. Thank you,” Gabriel smiled and turned to Castiel and then back to Dean, “I gotta say, when Cassie wanted to throw away his grace, I didn’t think it would ever get to this, but I’m happy that it did, Cassie here has had a crush on you for over 30 years, Ow!” Gabriel rubbed at his side and turned to Castiel, “What was that for?”

Castiel rolled his eyes, “Don’t be dramatic Gabe, that wouldn’t have hurt you, “ he raised his eyebrow as a challenge for him to disagree and Gabriel laughed, “Okay, got me, it didn’t hurt, but still, it was rude.”

Dean laughed at the interaction, it was funny seeing their dynamic, Angels, or at least one was an ex-angel now, but nonetheless, Angels weren’t any different to human siblings, except it was more comical.

“So how’s it going with running heaven?”Dean asked and Gabriel sobered and rolled his eyes. “It’s torture.” He leaned in and whispered, “They are all like babies, they need orders to function and if you don’t’ give them an order,  they can’t function correctly and the whining increases. I miss the easy life.” He finished with a frown and turned around to find the rest of the angels who had come with him and then made his excuses to give them orders to return back to heaven.

Dean shook his head and turned to Castiel. “I don’t know about you, but I think I could do with a few minutes alone.” Castiel nodded, “me too, I’ve been up most of the night, worrying about what I was going to say. “

Dean squeezed his hand, “ I really liked your vows, you almost had me blubbering like a baby in front of everyone. “

Castiel grinned, “Damn, I knew I should have added the other things, maybe you would have then.”

Dean tugged at Castiel’s hand towards the house. “You know what? maybe we should read up on BDSM, I think you should be punished.”

Castiel snorted with laughter as he began walking, “If anyone was going to be a dom, it would be me, sorry Dean, you’re a sub.”

Dean turned and glared at him. “Like hell I am.” He tried to sound annoyed but it just sounded feeble, and that caused Castiel to laugh louder.

“Maybe we should research it. I think I’d like to see you trussed up and open for me.”

Dean felt the heat down in his stomach and he swallowed at the images that flashed through his mind, but he didn’t say anything. He needed Castiel in their room before anyone stopped them to talk.

 

An hour later, Dean and Castiel showered and was dressed to join everyone at the reception.

They moved down the hall, down the stairs and heard the music starting.

As they got to the bottom of the stairs, Gabriel spotted them and picked up a microphone.

“Ladies and gentlemen, oh and Angel,” Gabriel nodded to Balthazar who scowled as he went to take a sip of his drink.

“I present to you, Mr and Mr Castiel Winchester! “

Dean paused and tugged at Castiel’s hand, “Wait.. am I the female? Why Castiel, not Dean?”

Castiel laughed, “Well, Mr Winchester, you are the bottom of this duo.”

Dean felt his cheeks heat a little and felt a little annoyed at that assumption but as he turned back to Gabriel, he saw the sparkle in his eyes and knew he was just teasing, but it still bugged him. He glanced over to Ellen and Bobby, he hadn’t seen them so happy since Sam was married and he smiled and moved into the room with Castiel, waving.

They took their seats at the table beside Sam and Eileen, Bobby and Ellen were sitting beside Eileen,  and Gabriel turned to whisper something to the person behind the DJ stand and then he took his place next to Castiel.

The night was fun, Dean enjoyed seeing everyone there, he really enjoyed seeing Gabriel.

The Archangel couldn’t get away from heaven much, the last time they saw him was at Sam’s wedding where Gabriel declared himself to be the Master of ceremony, he didn’t have to this time, Dean and Castiel talked about it and they contacted him and asked him, of course, he then took over the wedding planning with Castiel and there were a few disagreements between Dean and Cas, but he didn’t mind. It turned out awesome.

He looked to Castiel as they heard their first dance song come on over the speakers and Dean took Castiel’s hand and stood up. They moved to the middle of the room.

Dean had wanted Led Zepplin, but Castiel said it would be hard to dance to, Jo suggested Reo Speedwagon, "Can't fight this feeling," and after Castiel listened to the song, he agreed, it was a much better fit and Dean; although he pretended he didn’t like the song, he had sung it for days after.

He took Castiel's hand in his and took the lead as Castiel only learned to dance through him, which meant he got to be the lead.

He looked down into Castiel’s eyes as they began to dance, and by the time they got to the chorus, neither of them looked away, they were on an empty floor, in a room where no one else existed and Dean felt his heart double beat, then feel like it wanted to melt and swell at the same time and before he realized it, a tear fell down his cheek, he leaned down and began to kiss Castiel, slowing until they no longer danced.

They pulled away when the music stopped and the sound of clapping brought them back to the room where everyone was standing watching them, most of them wiping tears from their cheeks and smiling.

Dean looked around and no one was on the dance floor;  which meant they took front stage and put on a show. He blushed, he turned to Castiel and found him blushing too. They both awkwardly bowed and moved back to their seats.

Dean grinned; leaned into Castiel, “well that didn’t go as planned.”

Castiel laughed, “No, but they seemed to like it.”

He glanced around the room and some were dancing on the floor, and many resumed their conversations.

Dean watched as Sam and Eileen danced together, and he felt like he should look away, there was something so open and loving between them and Dean felt like he was intruding on something that he wasn't supposed to see. He turned to Ellen and Bobby; arms wrapped around each other as they swayed.

This was the best day of his life, nothing would ever compete.  He turned to Castiel and whispered into his ear. “What you say we leave this place and continue upstairs?” He grinned and knocked back the remainder of the beer.

Castiel looked around and nodded quickly, glancing again to make sure no one would see them disappear.

On the way out Dean picked up a bottle of Vodka and a bottle of Jack Daniels and quickly moved up the stairs, he turned back once he was at the top to make sure Cas was behind him.

Cas was a little unsteady on his feet, he had drunk quite a bit during the night but he managed to walk fairly straight and he carried a bottle of orange juice.

He raised it and grinned in triumph, ” I stole it from the fridge without anyone seeing me, and these.” He held up some glasses and then sneaked down to their old room.

As Dean stepped through the door and then shut it after Castiel walked in, he smiled, it was nice being back at the old house, even if it was just for the weekend; although Gabriel had told them all that they could all live in it if they wanted, but Dean declined, he liked the bunker. However Sam and Eileen had talked about it, moving out and starting their own family, so maybe soon the room could hold a little Winchester or two.

Castiel threw off his jacket and undid the buttons of his shirt and then slung himself on the bed, “It’s been a long day, it’s nice to finally be able to lay here.”

Dean grinned and took off his clothes and jumped onto the bed and began to tickle Castiel’s sides.

“Oh, too tired for more?” He asked before lowing his mouth to Castiel’s neck and nipped.

Castiel made a sound; a mix between a yelp and a moan and he smiled against his neck.

Castiel tried to push Dean off and over so he could be in the better position but Dean had expected it and brought Castiel’s hands up above his head.

“Ha, ha. Not this time, “ he grinned and leaned down and kissed Castiel hard.

Dean felt giddy with happiness and he felt like he could burst. What could be better than this?

 

 

 

 

 


	51. Epilogue

** March 2 ** ** nd ** ** , 2066 **

 

Castiel looked at his son, and then to his daughter and smiled, “Your father was a very brave man. When I look at the two of you, I see him through your bravery, through your kindness and determination. “ He coughed; wheezing a little and Mary pulled several tissues from its box and wiped the corner of his mouth.

“How you two have coped the last year, he would be very proud of you both.” He took the tissue from Mary and smiled, then covered his mouth as he coughed again. His chest hurt, and he pulled his oxygen mask back over his mouth.

Jack looked sad and Castiel wished he could help comfort him but this was the cycle of life, he was 90 years old, and as such, it was almost his time to go.

He was lonely; being without Dean for the past year was the longest year of his entire existence; which said a lot considering he was once an angel who lived for thousands of years.

Dean was 86 when he passed away peacefully in his sleep from old age and it was one of the most peaceful of times he ever witnessed.

The months after was hard, lying in an empty bed, riding in the car alone, celebrating Christmas with his children without him. It was hard but he knew this day was coming when he’d go to heaven himself and they promised to find each other; but it was also sad, he was leaving behind their two children and grandchildren.

Dean tried to make him promise him that he would use the vial of grace; become an angel again if something happened to him first; so he could protect their children and grandchildren but Castiel refused. He couldn’t live half a life again and spend aeons of years without Dean; not to mention he would have to watch their children and then grandchildren grow old and die. He refused and eventually had to resort to raising his voice and storming out.

Dean argued that it wasn’t like he couldn’t visit him in heaven, but Dean didn’t understand what it would be like to go from living a full life to then have to go back to half a life as an angel. Eventually, Dean let the matter drop and didn’t bring it up again.

Castiel smiled as Mary turned on the cassette player and the soothing sound of led zeppelin began to play quietly.  Jack and Mary brought in a media player, one he could listen to through the use of earphones but he refused, opting for the older machine; it was Dean’s cassette tape, it held more than just his love of the music, but the effort it took to create the mixtape for him. 

Mary and Jack teased him; calling him ‘Jurassic Jerry’ when he became nostalgic and refused to upgrade to modern things, he would chuckle; he loved the name, it was a reminder that he was older, that he had aged and wasn’t an angel in a body that was forever youthful.

He was an old man; his bones hurt, his chest hurt and his voice were weakening from age. His skin was thin and he didn’t wake up without a twinge in his back on any day.

This was the circle of life and he felt blessed to have lived a full human life; with the man he loved with every fibre of his being, children he cherished and felt great pride for, and grandchildren who would one day run the Men of letters, legacies such as they were.

 Mary was older than Jack. Five years after marrying, and seeing how happy Sam and Eileen was with their son Henry, Dean and Castiel sat down and talked about adopting. It wasn’t something either of them had discussed before or even thought about but as they picked up the cute bundled little boy and held him in their arms, they melted. It was when they began to babysit their nephew that Dean began to drop little mentions of having a little Winchester of their own running around the bunker and Cas knew that he wanted that too.

They spent months searching for an agency who would allow them to adopt a child but it was difficult due to their living circumstances, even though it was legally recognised to be same-sex married, the adoption agencies still held reservations on such a couple.

So they put it on the back burner for a while, going back to hunting and filling in their time with looking after their nephew and later nieces while Sam and Eileen went out on a date, or a weekend away.

It was affecting Dean though; not having his own little Winchester and they talked about finding a donor egg and surrogate to carry their child. Dean wanted him to father the child, but he wanted Dean too and so they eventually decided that they’d both be a father.

In 2023 Mary was born, her eyes the same emerald green as Dean’s, all 10 fingers and toes were accounted for. She was the apple of their eye and so much like her father that Castiel even at 90 years old, stared at her in awe.

 She was sassy, funny, charming but most of all she held that same passion for music. As a toddler, she would sing along with her daddy as he played his cassettes and Castiel enjoyed sitting back and watching them both hold imagined microphones; standing side by side.

Jack was born four years later in 2027, and he stood in contrast to Mary; born with deep blue eyes, and dark hair. He was more pensive and quiet; spent hours reading and rolled his eyes at his father’s and sisters’ double act.

He was thoughtful, kind and wanted to save the world, so as he grew into a young man, he announced he wanted to become a police officer and now at the age of 39, Jack Winchester was sergeant at a precinct in Kansas. 

Dean wasn’t as accepting of Jacks choice as he was. Dean was always concerned with them getting hurt or killed. As much as he worked hard on letting Castiel hunt, the anxiety resurfaced when the kids were born.

He made sure they both knew how to fight, and he made both of them carry a ‘survival’ kit that contained holy water, salt, a small iron bar and a knife. It wasn’t the most efficient the kit weighed their bags down a little, but it made Dean feel that they were safer; and they were. Thankfully neither of them had ever had to use it.

He turned his attention to Jack, who sat straight and very still watching him, trying to mask his emotions, after years working on the streets when he was a young policeman, he had seen a lot of terrible situations and sometimes even gory scenes and he learned to hide his emotions behind the mask, but he was Castiel’s son after all and he picked up on the micro expressions easily. He reached his hand out towards him and Jack leaned forward and took his hand in his own.

“I’m proud of you son, “he whispered as his breathing became laboured.

Jack smiled and his eyes filled with tears. “Don’t hold onto everything you’ve seen; the emotions that you hide will burden you over time, speak to someone, get help when you need it. It’s not something to be ashamed of; we all need some help every now and then.” Castiel squeezed his eyes shut as his chest tightened and then pulled the oxygen mask away to cough into the tissue.

Jack nodded.

“Good boy.” He said after he regained his breath from coughing.

He wanted to see his grandchildren, but he asked them both to not bring them to see him.  He and Dean had 7 grandchildren, four grandsons and three granddaughters.  The oldest was Adam, he was eighteen and the youngest; Sophie was 3.

Tessa knocked the door and peaked in to see Castiel, and his smile widened. “Hello, Tessa.”

She smiled first at him and then to his children. She had heard from Gabriel that he was coming to the end of his life and she requested that she be the one to reap him once he passed over. Gabriel had granted her the request after speaking to him. He couldn’t think of any other reaper he would prefer.

Mary and Jack didn’t know that Tessa was a reaper, Castiel preferred them to not know and so he asked Tessa if she would pretend to be a nurse if she came to visit. She agreed and so, she played the role well.

“I’m sorry Castiel but it’s time for your medication and your bath.” She looked at his children apologetically, and Castiel nodded.

Mary stepped forward and kissed his cheek. “I love you, Dad.” She whispered and then collected her bag and left the room. Jack stood slowly and moved over and kissed his forehead. “Katelyn sends her love, take care and I love you.” Jack squeezed his hand and he stepped to the door and took one more look at him. Castiel raised his hand shakily and waved and watched as his son left.

Tessa looked back at the door and then moved to sit beside him. “Cas, it’s almost time to go.” She said gently and she placed her hand on his.

He smiled, nodding slightly; a mixture of sadness and joy washed over him. His chest felt tight as he thought about his children, but he felt relief that soon he would be with Dean again.

“I’m going to stay with you.” She assured him, and he nodded.

“Could I ask one last thing of you?” He asked, feeling a little pain in his chest.

Tessa nodded, and he pointed to his drawer, “There’s a folded piece of paper in there.”

She opened the drawer and pulled out an old worn piece of paper, the edges were creased and there were small tears along the folds of it.

Castiel smiled as he nodded, “Could you read it to me?” he asked

The letter meant so much to him, it was the first thing he read from Dean when he came back from the dead. It gave him comfort when he missed him while he was hiding with Gabriel in the bunker, and even though there was things written that he wished wasnt there; such as Deans desire for vengeance, it was heartfelt and honest and came from Deans heart.

Tessa opened the letter and started to read.

 _“_ **_Dear Cas,_ **

_**Some people believe that when you place something inside the coffin of someone, that they take it to their next life. I know it’s probably not true but a small part of me hopes it does.** _

_**I want you to know how much I loved you, from that very first day, the moment our eyes connected, I couldn’t let you go.** _

_**I’m writing this instead of helping with your funeral, I just can’t face it at the moment. I miss you so much,  I wish I could see you again, I wish I could tell you how sorry I am, how much I love you.** _

_**I wish I told you how i felt before I was dragged to hell, I wish I could turn back time and tell you I loved you too before you left that night.** _

 

_**Cas, I’m going to kill those who are responsible for this. I promise you, I will not rest until I do... “** _

 

Tessa continued to read the letter as Castiel closed his eyes and listened and he could almost hear it being spoken in Deans voice.

He felt so tired, he slowly drifted to sleep, and his heart slowed down until it stopped.

_**“I love you Cas, always and forever.”** _

Tessa stopped reading as she looked up to see Castiel standing, watching his lifeless body. He turned to her and he smiled.  

He turned back to his body,  “When I killed Azazel, the one thing I wanted most was for Dean to have a happy life, to find someone to love and marry, settle down with and have children.” He felt tearful as he swallowed. He turned back to Tes again,  “He did get that.. didn’t he?” Tessa nodded and then smiled.

“Come on, you have an appointment with someone.” She took his hand in hers and then they were standing in the bunker. Castiel let go and looked around and then heard footsteps behind him.

“Cas?” Dean whispered, the sound being choked as Dean stared at him.

“Dean?” Castiel asked; confused. This wasn’t how memories of heaven worked, they relived moments, the memories didn’t interact any differently than what was already written in life.

Dean quickly moved towards him and threw his arms around him and held on tight.

“You’re real!” Dean whispered, his voice thick with emotion. .

After a few minutes he stood back to take in the sight of the man in front of him. Castiel nodded. Deans confusion grew, “If you’re real,  how come you’re younger than I last saw you?”

Castiel looked down at himself and then back to Dean. “ You can talk, you don’t look any older than 38.” Castiel turned confused to Tessa, but she was gone.

Dean pulled him in tight; hugging him again and nestled his face into the side of Castiel’s neck, Castiel wrapped his arms around him.

“I missed you.” He whispered and then nuzzled into Deans' hair, kissing lightly. “

“Me too, it’s been nice reliving the memories, but it’s not the same as it being 'real you,' but how though? Shouldn’t you have your own heaven?”

Castiel was wondering the same thing but shrugged. “I guess we share a heaven.” He grinned.

Dean smiled, “well since we have young bodies again, we should test drive them and see what we can enjoy here.” Deans eyes sparkled and Castiel chuckled.  “Thats the best idea I've heard in a while.”

"Well, I wasn't there, so I'm not surprised." Dean replied with a grin and Castiel laughed, feeling the years melt away..

Dean took hold of Castiel’s hand and pulled him towards their bedroom.

 

He watched as Castiel and Dean left the war room and he smiled, then tapped himself on the shoulder for a job well done.

It didn’t take much to rearrange things so he could put them both into the same heaven; well technically it wasn’t exactly one heaven. It was two, they had adjoining ones that he removed the walls from so they could move freely through, but it didn’t make any difference, their heaven on earth was each other and so they shared the same memories.

They both deserved the happy ever after..

he wasn’t impressed with his sons interfering when he killed Azazel, but Castiel was never one to follow the book. So it didn’t surprise him.  None the less, he messed up the prophecies that he had carefully constructed and they would still someday have to at least partially play out.

Just not with Dean and Samuel Winchester.  He had work to do, he wanted to keep a watch on Jack and Mary; after all, they were his grandchildren and he had big plans for their great-grandchildren, but first, he had to see someone.

Gabriel stood in his office feeling the weight of heaven on his shoulders, he didn’t ask for it, he didn’t want the job but apparently, if you saved the world and killed your brothers, it was down to you to take care of the host of heaven. He wanted to do nothing else than spend time with his nephews and nieces, well okay Sammy’s sprogs weren’t his family but when did that ever stop him?

He just wanted to get out of the stuffy offices and go back to his freedom.

“This is some nice office.” The voice made him jump and he turned around to find Chuck standing in front of his desk; smiling.

“Chuck? How did you get in here?” Gabriel demanded, feeling rather irritated by the interruption.

“Well, this is my office.” Chuck moved around the desk and summoned the chair to him and then sat down.

“Who are you? “Gabriel asked, something felt familiar and he could feel the authority on him.

“Who do you think I am?” Chuck countered.

Gabriel watched him for a moment, there was something … just something and then his eyes went wide and he realized, “Dad?”

Chuck grinned. “Hi, Son.” He replied.

Gabriel gawked at him, not able to find any words.  Chuck moved close to the desk and peered down at the paperwork in front of him, while Gabriel regained his thoughts.

Back in the bunker, Dean and Castiel were lying wrapped around each other. “Well, I guess we know we can still have fun up here.” Dean grinned.

Castiel nodded and pulled Dean closer.

“I love you,” Castiel whispered and kissed Dean deeply and then laid back to stare into the green eyes he had missed for the last year and Dean’s eyes softened. “Always and forever.”  He whispered; smiling.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is the end of the fic, I want to thank everyone for their support, this has taken such a long time to finish and I'm relieved that it's finished. :) <3 Thank you for sticking with me and I love you all :)


End file.
